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Egyptian Hieroglyphic verb, 
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^ 



EODERICK RANDOM, 



THE AUTHOR'S PREFACE. 



OF all kinds of satire, there is none so 
entertaining and universally improving', as 
that which is introduced, as it were occasion- 
ally, in the course of an interesting story, 
which brings every incident home to life, and 
by representing familiar scenes in an uncom- 
mon and amusing point of view, invests them 
with all the graces of novelty, while nature is 
appealed to in every particular. 

The reader gratifies his curiosity in pur- 
suing the adventures of a person in whose 
favour he is prepossessed ; he espouses his 
cause, he sympathises with him in his dis- 
tress, his indignation is heated against the 
authors of his calamity : the humane passions 
are inflamed; the contrast between dejected 
virtue and insulting vice appears with greater 
aggravation, and every impression having a 
double force on tho imagination, the memory 
retains the circumstance, and the heart im- 
proves by the example. The attention is not 
tired with a bare catalogue of characters, but 
agreeably diverted with all the variety of in- 
vention ; and the vicissitudes of life appear 
in their peculiar circumstances, opening an 
ample field for wit and humour. 

JJomance, no doubt, owes its origin to 
ignorance, vanity, and superstition. In the 
dark ages of the world, when a man had ren- 
dered himself famous for wisdom or valour, 
his family and adherents availed themselves 
of his superior qualities, magnified his virtues, 
and represented his character and person as 
5acrod and supernatural. The vulgar easily 
swallowed the bait, implored his protection, 
and yielded the tribute of homage and praise, 
even to adoration ; his exploits were handed 
down to posterity with a thousand exaggera- 
tions ; they were repeated as incitements to 
virtue ; divine honours Avere paid, and altars 
erected to his memory, for the encouragement 
of th(3se who attempted to imitate his ex- 
ample ; and hence arose the heathen mytho- 
logy, which is no other than a collection of 
extravagant romances. As learning advanced, 
and genius received cultivation, these stories 
were embellished with the graces of poetry, 
that they might the better recommend them- 
selves to the attention ; they were sung in 
public, at festivals, for the instruction and 
delight of the audience ; and rehearsed before 
battle, as incentives to deeds of glory. Thus 
trageily and the epic muse were born, and, in 
the progress of taste, arrived at perfection. 
It is no wonder that the ancients could not 
relish a fable in prose, after they had seen so 
many remarkable events celebrated in verse 
by t cir best poets; we therefore find no 
roma- ce among them, during the era of their 
^xceL-jnce, unless the Oyropeedia of Xenophon 



may be so called ; and it was not till arts and 
sciences began to revive, after the irruption 
of the barbarians into Europe, that anything 
of this kind appeared. But when the minds 
of men were debauched by the imposition of 
priestcraft to the most absurd pitch of cre- 
dulity, the authors of romance arose, and 
losing sight of probability, filled their i^er- 
formances with the most monstrous hyper- 
boles. If they could not equal the ancient 
poets in point of genius, they were resolved 
to excel them in fiction, and apply to the 
wonder, rather than the judgment, of their 
readers. Accordingly, they brought necro- 
mancy to their aid, and instead of supportuig 
the character of their heroes by dignity of sen- 
timent and practice, distinguished them by 
their bodily strength, activity, and extrava- 
gance of behaviour. Although nothing could 
be more ludicrous and unnatural than the 
figures they drew, they did not want patrons 
and admirers ; and the world actually began 
to be infected with the spirit of knight- 
errantry, when Cervantes, by an inimitable 
piece of ridicule, reformed the taste of man- 
kind, representing chivalry in the right point 
of view, and converting romance to purposes 
far more useful and entertaining, by making 
it assume the sock, and point out the follies 
of ordinary life. 

The same method hasbeen practised by other 
Spanish and French authors, and by none 
more successfully than by Monsieur Le Sage, 
who, in his Adventures of Gil Bias, has de- 
scribed the knavery and foibles of life, Avith 
infinite humour and sagacity. The following 
sheets I have modelled on his plan, taking 
the liberty, however, to differ from him in the 
execution, where I thought his particular situ- 
ations Vt'ero uncommon, extravagant, or pecu- 
liar to the country in which the scene is 
laid. The disgraces of GU Bias are, for the 
most part, such as rather excite mirth than 
compassion ; he himself laughs at them ; and 
his transitions from distress to happiness, or 
at least ease, are so sudden, that neither the 
reader has time to pity him, nor himself to 
be acquainted with affliction. This conduct, 
in my opinion, not only deviates from proba- 
bility, but prevents that generous indigna- 
tion, which ought to animate^ the_ reader 
against the sordid and vicious disposition of 
the world. 

I have attempted to represent modest merit 
struggling with every difficidty to which a 
friendless orphan is exposed, from his own 
want of experience, as well as from the sel- 
fishness, envy, malice, and base indifference of 
mankind. To secure a favourable preposses- 
sion, I have allowed him the advantages of 



PREFACE. 



birth and education, which in the series of his 
mist'of tunes will, I hope, engage the ingenuous 
more warmly in his behalf; and though I 
foresee, that some i^eople will be offended at 
the mean scenes in Avhich he is involved, I 
persuade myself that the judicious will not 
only perceive the necessity of describing those 
situations to which he must of course be con- 
fined, in his low estate, but also find enter- 
tainment in viewing those parts of life, where 
the humours and passions are undisguised by 
affectation, ceremony, or education ; and the 
whimsical peculiarities of disposition appear 
as nature has implanted them. But I believe 
I need not trouble myself in vindicating a 
practice authorized by the best writers in this 
way, some of whom I have already named. 

Vvery intelligent reader will, at first sight, 
porceive I have not deviated from nature in 
the facts, which are all true in the main, al- 
though the circumstances are altered and dis- 
guised, to avoid personal satire. 



It now remains to give my reasons for mak- 
ing the chief x^orsonage of this work a North 
Briton, which are chiefiy these : I could, at a 
small expense, bestow on him such education 
as I thought the dignity of his birth and cha- 
racter required, which could not possibly be 
obtained in England, by such slender means 
as the nature of my plan would aflbrd. In 
the next place, I could represent simplicity of 
manners in a remote part of the kingdom, with 
more propriety than in any place near the capi- 
tal ; and lastly, the disposition of the Scots, 
addicted to travelling, justifies my conduct in 
deriving an adventurer from that country. 

That the delicate reader may not be offended 
at the unmeaning oaths which proceed from 
the mouths of some persons in these memoirs, 
I beg leave to premise, that I imagined no- 
thing could more effectually expose the absur- 
dity of such miserable expletives, than a 
natural and verbal representation of the dis- 
course in which they occur. 



APOLOGUE. 



A YOTTNG painter, indulging a vein of plea- 
santry, sketched a kind of conversation piece, 
representing a bear, an owl, a monkey, and an 
ass ; and to render it more striking, humor- 
ous, and moral, distinguished every figure by 
some emblem of human life. 

J^ruin was exhibited iu the garb and atti- 
tude of an old, toothless, drunken soldier ; 
the owl perched upon the handle of a coffee- 
pot, with spectacle on nose, seemed to con- 
template a newspaper ; and the ass, orna- 
mented with a huge tia-wig (which, however, 
could not conceal his long ears), sat for his 
picture to the monkey, who appeared with 
the implements of painting. This v/himsical 
group afforded some mirth, and met with 
general approbation, until some mischievous 
wag hinted that the whole was a lampoon 
upon the friends of the performer; an in- 
sinuation which was no sooner circulated 
than those very people who applauded it be- 
fore began to be alarmed, and even to fancy 
themselves signified by the several figures of 
the piece. 

Among others, a worthy personage in years, 
who had served in the army with reputation, 
being incensed at the supposed outrage, re- 
paired to the lodging of the painter, and find- 
ing him at home, ' Hark ye, Mr. Monkey,' 
said he, ' I have a gooil mind to con\-ince you, 
that_ though the bear has lost his teeth, he 
retaius his paws, and that he is not so drunk 
but he can perceive your impertinence. 
' Sblood ! sir, that toothless jaw is a d — ned 
scandalous libel — biit don't you imagine me 
so chopfallen as not to be able to chew the 
cud of resentment.' Here he was interrupted 
by the arrival of a learned phj^sician, who, 
advancing to the culprit with fury in his as- 
pect, exclaimed, ' Suppose the augmentation 
of the ass's ears shoul»i prove the diminution 



of the baboon's — nay, seek not to prevari- 
cate, for, by the beard of jEsculapius ! there 
is not one hair in this periwig that will 
not stand up in judgment to cnvict thee 
of personal abuse. Do but observe, cap- 
tain, how this pitiful little fellow has 
copied the very curls — the colour, indeed, is 
different, but then the form and foretop are 
quite similar.' While he thus remonstrated 
in a strain of vociferation, a venei-able sena- 
tor entered, and waddling up to the delin- 
quent, ' Jackanapes ! ' cried he, ' I will now let 
thee see I can read something else than a 
newspaper, and that without the help of spec- 
tacles : here is your own note of hand, sir- 
rah, for money, which if I had not advanced, 
you yourself would have resembled an owl, in 
not daring to show your face by day, you mi- 
grateful slanderous knave ! ' 

In vain the astonished painter declared that 
he had no intention to give offence, or to cha- 
racterise particular persons : they aflirmed the 
resemblance was too palpable to be over- 
looked ; they taxed him with insolence, ma- 
lice, and ingratitude ; and their clamours 
being overheard by the public, the captain 
was a bear, the doctor an ass, and the senator 
an owl, to his dying day. 



Christian reader, I beseech thee, in the 
bowels of the Lord, remember this example 
while thou art employed in the perusal of the 
following sheets ; and seek not to appropriate 
to thyself that which equally belongs to five 
hundred different people. If thou shouldst 
meet with a character that reflects thee in 
some ungracious particular, keep thy own 
counsel ; consider that one feature makes not 
a face, and that though thou art, perhaps, 
distinguished by a bottle nose, twenty of thy 
neighbours may be in the same predicament. 



THE ADVENTUPtES OP •EODEPiICK lUNBOM. 



CHAPTEE I. 
Of vny Birth and Education. 

I WAS born in the northern part of this 
united kingdom, in the house of my grand- 
father, a gentleman of considerable fortune 
and influence, who had on many occasions sig- 
nalised himself in behalf of his country ; and 
was remarkable for his abilities in the law, 
which he exercised with great success in the 
station of a judge, particularly against beggars, 
for whom he had a singular aversion. 

My father (his youngest son) falling in 
love with a j)oor relation, who lived with the 
old gentleman in quality of a housekeeper, 
espoused her privately; and I was the first 
fruit of that marriage. Diiring her preg- 
nancy, a dream discomposed my mother so 
much that her husband, tired with her impor- 
tunity, at last consulted a highland seer, 
whose favourable interpretation he would 
have secured beforehand by a bribe, but found 
him incorruptible. She dreamed she was de- 
livered of a tennis-ball, which the devil (who, 
to her great surprise, acted the part of a 
midwife) struck so forcibly with a racket that 
it disappeared in an instant ; and she was for 
some time inconsolable for the loss of her off- 
spring ; when, all on a sudden, she beheld it 
return with equal violence, and enter the 
earth, beneath her feet, whence immediately 
sprang up a goodly tree covered with blossoms, 
the scent of which operated so strongly on 
her nerves that she awoke. The attentive 
sage, after some deliberation, assured my 
parents, that their firstborn would be a great 
traveller ; that he would undergo many dan- 
gers and difficulties, and at last return to his 
native land, where ho would flora-ish in happi- 
ness and reputation. How truly this was 
foretold will appear in the sequel. It was not 
long before some officious person informed 
my grandfather of certain familiarities that 
passed between his son and housekeeper, 
which alarmed him so much that, a few days 
after, he told my father it was high time for 
him to think of settling; and that he had 
provided a match for him, to which he could 
in justice have no objections. My father, 
finding it would bo impossible to conceal his 
situation much longer, frankly o'wned what 
he had done ; and excused himself for not 
having asked the consent of his father, by 
saying, he knew it would have been to no 
purpose ; and that, had his inclination been 
known, my grandfather might have taker, 
siich measures as would have effectually put 
the gratification of it out of his power : he 
added, that no exceptions could be taken to 
tia wile's virtue, birth, beauty, and good 



sense, and as for fortune, it was bene.ith his 
care. The old gentleman, . who kept all his 
passions, except one, in excellent order, heard 
him to an end with great temper, and then 
calmly asked, how he proposed to maintain 
himself and spouse ? He replied, he coiild be 
in no danger of wanting while his father's 
tenderness remained, which he and his wife 
should always cultivate with the utmost 
veneration ; and he was persuaded his allow- 
ance would be suitable to the dignity and 
circumstances of his family, and to the provi- 
sion already made for his brothers and sisters, 
who were happily settled under his protection. 
' Your brothers and sisters,' said my grand- 
father, ' did not think it beneath them to 
consult me in an affair of such importance as 
matrimony; neither, I suppose, would you 
have omitted that piece of duty, had you not 
some secret fund in reserve ; to the comforts 
of which I leave you, with a desire that you 
will this night seek out another habitation 
for yourself and wife, whither, in a short 
time, I will send you an account of the ex- 
pense I have been at in your education, wif h 
a view of being reimbursed. Sir, you have 
made the grand tour — jou are a polite gen- 
tleman — a very pretty gentleman — I wish you 
a great deal of joy, and am your very humble 
servant.' 

So saying, he left my father in a situation 
easily imagined. However, ho did not long 
hesitate ; for, being perfectly well acquainted 
with his father's disposition, he did not doubt 
that he was glad of this pretence to get rid of 
him ; and his resolves being as in^'ariable as 
the laws of the Medes and Persians, he knew 
it would be to no purpose to attempt him by 
prayers and entreaties ; so without any far- 
ther application, he betook himself, with his 
disconsolate bedfellow, to a farm-house, Avherc 
an old servant of his mother dwelt : there 
they remained some time in a situation but 
ill adapted to the elegance of their desires 
and tenderness of their love ; which never- 
theless my father chose to endure, rather than 
supplicate an unnatural and inflexible parent : 
but my mother, foreseeing the inconveniences 
to which she must have been exposed, had 
she been delivered in this place (and her 
lare.gnancy was very far advanced), without 
communicating her design to her husband, 
went in disguise to the house of my grand- 
father, hoping that her tears and condition 
would move him to compassion, and reconcile 
him to an event which was now irrecoverably 
past. 

She found means to deceive the servants, 
and get introduced as an unfortunate lady, 
who wanted to complain of some matrimonial 



4 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



grievances, it being my grandfather's par- 
ticular province to decide in all cases of 
scandal. She was accordingly admitted into 
his presence, where, discovering herself, she 
fell at his feet, and in the most affecting 
manner implored his forgiveness ; at the same 
time renresenting the danger that threatened 
not only her life, but that of his own grand- 
child, which was about to see the light, He 
told her he was soriy that the indiscretion of 
her and his son had compelled him to make a 
vow, which put it out of his power to give 
them any assistance; that he had already 
imparted his thoughts on that subject to her 
husband, and was surprised that they should 
disturb his peace with any farther importu- 
nity. This said, he retired. 

The violence of my mother's afHiction had 
such an effect on her constitution that she 
was immediately seized with the pains of 
childbed; and had not an old maidservant, 
to whom she was very dear, afforded her pity 
and assistance, at the hazard of incurring my 
grandfather's displeasure, she and the inno- 
cent fruit of her womb must have fallen 
miserable victims to his rigour and inhu- 
manity. By the friendship of this poorwoman, 
she was carried up to a garret, and imme- 
diately delivered of a man child, the story of 
whose unfortunate birth he himself now 
relates. My father, being informed of what 
had happened, flew to the embraces of his 
darling spouse, and while he loaded his 
offspring with paternal embraces, could not 
forbear shedding a flood of tears on beholding 
the dear partner of his heart (for whose ease 
he would have sacrificed the treasures of the 
east) stretched upon a flock bed, in a miserable 
apartment, unable to protect her from the 
inclemencies of the weather. It is not to be 
supposed that the old gentleman was ignorant 
of what passed, though he affected to know- 
nothing of the matter, and pretended to be 
very much surprised, when one of his grand- 
children, by his eldest son deceased, who 
lived with him as his heirapparent, acquainted 
him with the affair ; he determined therefore 
to observe no medium, but immediately (on 
the third day after her delivery) sent her a 
peremptory order to be gone, and turned off 
the servant who had preserved her life. 
This behaviour so exasperated my father that 
he had recourse to the most dreadful impre- 
cations ; and on his bare knees implored that 
Heaven would renounce him if ever he should 
forget or forgive the barbarity of his sire. 

The injuries which this unhappy mother 
received from her removal in such circum- 
stances, and the want of necessaries whore 
she lodged, together with her grief and anxiety 
of mind, soon threw her into a languishing 
disorder, which put an end to her life. My 
father, who loved her tenderly, was so affected 
with her death that he remained six weeks 
deprived of his senses; during which time, 
the people where he lodged carried the infant 
to the old man who relented so far, oil hear- 



ing the melancholy story of his daughter-in- 
law's death, and the deplorable condition of 
his son, as to send the child to nurse, and he 
ordered my father to be carried home to his 
house, where he soon recovered the use of 
his reason. 

Whether this hardhearted judge felt any 
remorse for his cruel treatment of his son 
and daughter, or (which is more probable) 
was afraid his character would suffer in the 
neighbourhood, he professed great sorrow for 
his conduct to my father, whose delirium was 
succeeded by a profound melancholy and 
reserve. At length he disappeared, and, not- 
withstanding all imaginable inquiry, could ' 
not be heard of; a circumstance which con- 
firmed most people in the opinion of his 
having made away with himself in a fit of 
despair, H )w I understood the particulars 
of my birlu will appear in the course of these 
memoirs. 



CHAPTER II. 

I groiv up — am hated ?)i/ my Relaiions — sent 
to ScJiool — neglected by my Grandfather — 
maltreated hy my Master — seasoned to 
Adversity — I form Cabals against the 
Pedant— am debarred Access to my rand- 
father — hunted by his Heir — I demolish the 
Teeth of his Tutor. 

THERE were not wanting some who sus- 
pected my uncles of being concerned in 
my father's fate, on the supposition that they 
would all share in the p.atrimony destined for 
him ; and tliis conjecture was strengthened 
by reflecting, that in all his calamities they 
never discovered the least inclination to serve 
him ; but, on the contrary, by all the artifices 
in their power, fed his father's resentment, 
and supported his resolution of leaving him to 
misery and want. But people of judgment 
treated this insinuation as an idle chimera ; 
because, had my relations been so wicked as 
to consult their interest by committing such 
an atrocious crime, the fate of my father 
would have extended to me too, whose life 
was another obstacle to their expectation. 
Meanwhile, I grew apace, and as I strongly 
resembled my father, who was the darling of 
the tenants, I wanted nothing which their 
indigent circumstances could afford : but 
their favour was a weak resource against the 
jealous enmity of my cousins : who, the more 
my infancy promised, conceived the more im- 
]ilacable hatred against mo : and before I was 
six years of age, had so effectually blockaded 
my grandfatlier that I never s.av/ him but by 
stealth, when I sometimes made up to his 
chair as he sat to view his labourers in the 
field : on which occasion he would stroke my 
head, bid me be a good boy, and promise to 
take care of me. 

I was soon after sent to school at a village 
hard by, of which he had been dictator time 
out of mind ; but, as he never paid for my 
board, nor supplied me with clothes, books, 



aud other neoc s varies I reqiiired, my condition 
was very rag-g-eil and contemptible, and the 
schoolmaster, who, through fear of my grand- 
father, taught mo (jratis, gave himself no con- 
cern about the progress I made under hiS 
instruction. In spite of all these difficulties 
and disgraces, I became a good proficient in 
the La.tin tongue ; and, as soon as I could 
write tolerably, pestered my grandfather with 
letters to such a degree that he sent for my 
master, and chid him severely for bestowing 
such pains on my education, telling liim that, 
if ever I should be brought to the gallows for 
forgery, which he had taught me to commit, 
my blood would lie on his head. 

The pedant, who dreaded nothing more 
than the displeasure of his patron, assured 
his honour that the boy's ability was more 
owing to his own genius and application than 
to any instruction or encouragement he re- 
ceived; that, although he could not divest 
him of the knowledge he had already imbibed, 
unless he would empower him to disable his 
fingers, he should endeavour, with God's h.olp, 
to prevent his future improvement. And, in- 
deed, he punctually perlormed what he had 
undertaken ; for, on pretence that I had 
written impertinent letters to my grandfather, 
he caused a board to be made with five holes 
in it, through which ho thrust the fingers and 
thumb of my right hand, and fastened it by 
whipcord to my wrist, in such a manner as 
ett'ectually debarred mo the use of my pen. 
But this restraint I was freed from in a few 
days, by an accident which happened in a 
quarrel between me and another boy ; who, 
taking upon him to insult my poverty, I was 
so incensed at his ungenerous reproach that 
with one stroke with my machine I cut him 
to the skull, to the great terror of myself and 
schoolfellows, who left him bleeding on the 
ground, and ran to inform the master of what 
had happened. I was so severely punished 
for this trespass that, were I to live to the 
age of Metlmsalem, the impression it made 
on me would not bo effaced ; no more than 
the antipathy and horror I conceived for the 
merciless tyrant who inflicted it. The con- 
tempt which my appearance naturally pro- 
duced ill all who saw me, the continual wants 
to whi( h T was exposed, and my own haiighty 
disposi ion, impatient of affronts, involved 
me in a thousand troublesome adventures, by 
which I was at length inured in adversity, 
and emboldened to undertakings far above 
my years. I was often inhumanly scourged 
for crimes I did not commit, because, having 
the character of a vagabond in the village, 
every piece of mischief, whose author lay un- 
known, was charged upon me. I have been 
found guilty of robbing orchards I never 
entered, of killing cats I never hnrted, of 
stealing gingerbread I never touched, and of 
abusing old women I never saw. Nay, a 
stammering carpenter had eloquence cnoiigh 
to persuade my master that I fired a pistol 
loaded with small shot into his v.'indow; 



though my landlady and the whole family 
bore v/itness that I was abed fast asleep at 
the time when this outrage was committed. 
I was once flogged for having narrowly es- 
caped dro\\^ling, V>_y the sinking of a ferry 
boa,t in which I was passenger. Another 
time, for having recovered of a bruise occa- 
sioned by a horse and cart running over me. 
A third time, for being bitten by a baker's 
dog. In short, whether I was guilty or un- 
fortunate, the correction and sympathy oi' 
this arbitrary pedagogue were the same. 

Far from being subdued by this infernal 
usage, my indignation triumphed over that 
slavisla awe which had hitherto enforced my 
obedience ; and the more my years and know- 
ledge increased, the more I perceived the in- 
justice and barb;irity of his behaviour. T!y 
the help of an uncommon genius, and the 
advice and dii-ection of our usher, who had 
served my father in his travels, I made a sur- 
prising progress in the classics, wi-iting, and 
arithmetic ; so that, before I was twelve years 
old, I was allowed by everybody to be the 
best scholar in the school. This qualification, 
together with a boldness of temper and 
strength of make which had subjected almost 
all my contemporaries, gave me such influ- 
ence o\CT them that I began to form cabals 
against my persecutor ; and was in hope of 
being able to bid him defiance in a verj^ short 
time. Being at the head of a faction, con- 
sisting of thirty boj's, most of them of my 
own age, I was determined to put their mettle 
to trial, that I might know how far they were 
to be depended upon, before I put my grand 
scheme in execution : with this view, we at- 
tacked a body of stout apprentices, who had 
taken possession of a part of the ground al- 
lotted to us for the scheme of our diversions, 
and who were then playing at ninepins on 
the spot ; but I had the mortification to seo 
my adherents routed in an instant, and a leg 
of one of them broke in his flight by tho 
bowl, which oko of our adversai'ies had de- 
tached in pursuit of us. This discomfiture 
did not hinder us from engaging them after- 
wards in frequent skirmishes, which we main- 
tained by throwing stones at a distance, 
wherein I received many wounds, the scars 
of which still remain. Our enemies were so 
harassed and interrupted by these alarms that 
they at last abandoned their conqiiest, and 
left us to the peaceable enjoyment of our own 
territories. 

It would be endless to enumerate the ex- 
ploits wo performed in the course of this 
confederacy, which became the terror of tho 
whole village ; insomuch that, when dift'erent 
interests divided it, one of the parties cobi- 
monly courted tho assistance of Roderick 
Random (by whioh name I was known) to 
cnst the balance, and keep the opposite fac- 
tion in awe. Meanwhile, I took the advan- 
tage of every play-day to present myseU' 
before my grandfather, to whom I seldcui 
found access, by reason of his being closely 



besieged by a numerous family of his female 
grandchildren, who, though they perpetually 
quarrelled among themselves, never failed to 
join against me, as the common enemy of aU. 
His heir, who was about the age of eighteen, 
minded nothing but fox-hunting, and indeed 
was qualified for nothing else, notwithstand- 
ing his grandfather's indulgence in enter- 
taining a tutor for him at home ; who at the 
same time performed the office of parish 
clerk. This young Acta3on, who inherited 
his grandfather's antipathy to everything in 
distress, never sat eyes on me Avithout un- 
coupling his beagles, and hunting me into 
some cottage or other, whither I generally 
fled for shelter. In this Christian amusement 
he was encouraged by his preceptor, who, no 
doubt, took such opportunities to ingratiate 
himself with the rising sun, observing, that 
the old gentleman, according to the course 
of nature, had not long to live, for he was 
already on the verge of fourscore. 

The behaviour of this rascally sycophant 
incensed me so much, that one day, when I 
was beleaguered by him and his hounds in a 
farmer's house, where I had found protection, 
I took aim at him (being an excellent marks- 
man) Avith a large pebble, which struck out 
four of his foreteeth, and effectually incapaci- 
tated him from doing the office of a clerk. 



CHAPTEE III. 

My Mother's Brother arrives— relieves me — 
a Description of him — he goes along with 
me to the House of my Grandfather — is 
encountered by his Dogs — defeats them, after 
a bloody Engagemeni-r^s admitted to the 
old Gentleman — a Dialogue between tliem. 

ABOUT this time my mother's onlj' brother, 
who had boon long abroad, lieutenant of a 
man-of-war, arrived in his own country ; 
where being informed of my condition, ho 
came to see me, and out of his slender 
finances not only supplied me with what 
necessaries I wanted for the present, but re- 
solved not to leave the country until ho had 
prevailed on my grandfather to settle some- 
thing handsome for tiie future. This was a 
task to which he was by no means equal, 
being entirely ignorant, not only of the judge's 
disposition, but also of the ways of men in 
general, to which his education on board had 
kept him an utter stranger. 

Ho was a strong built man, somewhat 
bandy legged, with a neck like that of a bull, 
and a face which (you might easily perceive) 
had withstood the most obstinate assaults of 
thp weather. His dress consisted of a sol- 
dier's coat altered for him by the ship's tailor, 
a striped flannel jacket, a pair of red breeches 
japanned with pitch, clean gray worsted 
stockings, large silver buckles that covered 
three-fourths of his shoes, a silver-laced hat, 
whoso crown overlooked the brims about an 
inch .^nd a half, a black bobwig in buckle, a 



check shirt, a silk handkerchief, a hanger, 
with a brass handle, girded to his thigh by a 
tarnished lace belt, and a good oak j)lant 
under his arm. Thus equipped, he set out 
with me (who by his bounty made a very de- 
cent appearance) for my grandfather's house, 
where we were saluted by Jowler and Ca3sar, 
whom my cousin, young master, had let loose 
at our approach. Being well acquainted with 
the inveteracy of these curs, I was about to 
betake myself to my heels, when my uncle 
seized me with one hand, brandished his 
cudgel with the other, and at one blow laid 
Cassar sprawling on the ground ; but, finding 
himself attacked at the same time in the rear 
by Jowler, and fearing Caesar might recover, 
he drew his hanger, wheeled about, and by a 
lucky stroke severed Jowler' s head from his 
body. By this time, the young foxhunter 
and three servants, armed with pitchforks and 
flails, were come to the assistance of the 
dogs, whom they found breathless upon the 
field ; and my cousin was so provoked at the 
death of his favourites, that he ordered his 
attendants to advance, and take vengeance 
on their executioner, whom he loaded with 
aU the curses and reproaches his anger could 
suggest. Upon which my uncle stepped for- 
wards with an undaunted air, at the sight of 
whose bloody weapons his antagonists fell 
back with precipitation, when ho accosted 
their leader thus : 

' Lookee, brother, your dogs haAring boarded 
me without provocation, what I did was in 
my OAvn defence. So you had best be civil, 
and let us shoot a head, clear of you.' 

Whether the young squire misinterpreted 
my uncle's desire of peace, or was enraged at 
the fate of his hounds beyond his usual pitch 
of resolution, I know not ; but ho snatched 
a flail from one of his followers, and came up 
with a show of assaulting the lieutenant, who, 
putting himself in a posture of defence, pro- 
ceeded thus : ' Lookee, you lubberly son of a 
w — e, if you come athwart me. 'ware your 
gingerbread work. I'll be foul of your quarter, 
d — n me.' 

This declaration, followed by a flourish of 
his hanger, seemed to check the progress of 
the young gentleman's choler, who, looking 
behind him, perceived his attendants had 
slunk into the house, shut the gate, and left 
him to decide the contention by himself. 

Here a parley ensued, which was introduced 
by my cousins asking, 'Who the devil are 
you r' Wliat do you want ? Some scoundrel 
of a seaman, I suppose, who has deserted and 
turned thief. But don't think you shall escape, 
sirrah — I'll have you hang'd, you dog, I will. 
Your blood shall pay for that of my two 
hoimds, you ragamuffin. I would not have 
parted with them to save your whole genera- 
tion from the gallows, you ruffian, you !' 
' None of your jaw, you swab — none of your 
jaw,' replied my uncle, ' else I shall trim your 
laced jacket for you. I shall rub you down 
with an oaken towel, my boy — I shall.' So 



sayinj?, he sheathed his hanger, and grasped 
his cudgel. Meanwhile the people of the 
house being alarmed, one of my female cousins 
opened a window, and asked what was the 
matter. 'The matter!' answered the lieu- 
tenant ; ' no great matter, young woman ; I 
have business with the old gentleman, and 
this spark, belike, won't allow me to come 
alongside of him, that's all.' After a few 
minutes' pause we were admitted, and con- 
ducted to my grandfather's chamber through 
a lane of my relations, who honoured me with 
very significant looks as I passed along. When 
we came into the judge's presence, my uncle, 
after two or three sea-bows, expressed him- 
self in this manner; 'Your servant, your 
servant. What cheer, father ? what cheer ? 
I suppose you don't know me — mayhap you 
don't. My name is Tom Bowling, and this 
here boy, you look as if you did not know 
him neither ; 'tis like you mayn't. He's new 
rigged, i'faith ; his cloth don't shake in the 
wind so much as it wont to do. 'Tis my 
nephew, d"y see, Roderick Random — j'our 
own flesh and blood, old gentleman. Don't 
lag a-stern, you dog,' pulling me forward. 
My grandfather (who was laid up with the 
gout) received this relation, after his long 
absence, with that coldness of civility which 
was peculiar to him ; told him he was glad 
to see him, and desired him to sit down. 
' Thank ye, thank ye, sir, I had as lief stand,' 
said my uncle; 'for my own part, I desire 
nothing of you; but, if you have any con- 
science at all, do something for this poor boy, 
who has been used at a very tinchristian rate. 
Unchristian, do I call it? I am snre the 
Moors in Barbary have more humanity than 
to leave their little ones to want. I v/ould 
fain know why my sister's son is more ne- 
glected than that there fair-weather Jack' 
(pointing to the young squire, who with the 
rest of my cousins had followed us into i ho 
room). ' Is not he as near akin to you as the 
other ? Is he not much handsomer and better 
built than that great chucklehead? Come, 
come, consider, old gentleman, you are going 
in a short time to give an account of your 
evil actions. Remember the wrongs you did 
his father, and make all the satisfaction in 
your poT^r before it be too late. The least 
thing yc f can do is to settle his father's por- 
tion on him.' The young ladies, who thought 
themselves too much concerned to contain 
themselves any longer, set up their throats 
all together against my protector — ' Scurvy 
companion — .«aucy tarpaulin — rude, imperti- 
nent fellow, did he think to prescribe to grand- 
papa ? His sister's brat had been too well 
taken care of. Grandpapa was too just not 
to make a diiforence between an unnatural, 
rebellious son and his dutiful, loving children, 
who took his advice in all things ;' and such 
expressions were vented against him with 
great violence; until the judge at length 
commanded silence. He calmly rebuked my 
uncle for his unmannerly behaviour, whicU 



he said he would excuse on account of his 
education : he told him he had been very 
kind to the boy, whom ho had kept at school 
seven or eight years, although he was in- 
formed he made no progress in his learning, 
but was addicted to all manner of vice, which 
he rather believed, because he himself was 
witness to a barbarous piece of mischief he 
had committed on the jaws of his chaplain. 
But, however, he woidd see what the lad was 
fit for, and buid him apprentice to some 
honest tradesman or other, provided he would 
mend his manners, and behave for the future 
as became him. The honest tar (whose pride 
and indignation boiled within him) answered 
my grandfather, that it was true he had sent 
him to school, but it had cost him nothing, 
for he had never been at one shilling expense 
to furnish him ^vith food, raiment, books, or 
other necessaries ; so that it was not much to 
be wondered at, if the boy made small pro- 
gress; and yet whoever told him so was a 
lying, lubberly rascal, and deserved to bo 
keel-haul'd ; for thof he (the lieutenant) did 
not understand those matters himself, he was 
well informed as how Rory was^the best 
scholar of his age in all the country; the 
t»ith of which ho would maintain, by laying 
a wager of his whole half-year's pay on the 
boy's head — with these words he pulled out 
his purse, and challenged the companj^ : 
' Neither is he predicted to vice, as you allirm, 
but rather left like a wi-eck, d'ye see, at the 
mercy of the wind and weather, by your 
neglect, old gentleman. As for what hap- 
pened to your chaplain, I am only sorry that 
he did not knock out the scoimdrel's brains 
instead of his teeth. By the Lord, if ever I 
come up with him, he had better bo in Green- 
land, that's all. Thank you for your courte- 
ous offer of binding the lad apprentice to a 
tradesman. I suppose you would make a 
tailor of him — woidd you ? I had rather see 
him hang'd, d'j'o see. Come along, Rory, I 
perceive how the land lies, my boy — let's 
tack about, i'faith — while I have a shilling 
you shan't want a tester. B'we, old gentle- 
man ; you're bound for the other world, but I 
believe damnably ill-provided for the voyage.' 
Thus ended our visit; and we returned to 
the village, my uncle muttering curses all 
tho way against the old shark and the young 
fry that surrounded him. 



CHAPTER IV. 

Jfi/ Grandfather makes hii^ Will — mir second 
Visit — he Dies — his Will is read in Presence 
of all his living Descendants — the Disap- 
2)ointment of my female Cousins — nvyUncle's 
Behaviour. 

A FEW weeks after our first visit, we were 
informed that the old judge, at the end 
of a fit of thoughtfulness, which lasted three 
days, had sent for a notary and made his will ; 
that the distemper had mounted from his legs 



to his stomach, and, being conscious of his 
approaching end, he had desired to see all his 
descendants without exception. In obedience 
to this summons, my uncle set out with me a 
second time, to receive the last benediction 
of my grandfather : often repeating by the 
road, ' Ej% ey, we have brought iip the old 
hulk at last. You shall see — you shaU see the 
effect of my admonition.' When we entered 
his chamber, which was crowded with his re- 
lations, we advanced to the bedside, where 
we found him in his last agonies, supported 
by two of his granddaughters, who sat on each 
side of him, sobbing most piteously, and wip- 
ing away the froth and slaver as it gathered 
on his lips, which they frequently kissed with 
a show of great anguish and affection. My 
imcle approached him vnth these words, 
' What I he's not a-weigh. How fare ye ? how 
fare ye, old gentleman .'' Lord have mercy 
upon j'our poor sinful soul I' Upon which, 
the dying man turned his languid eyes to- 
wards us, and Mr. Bowling went on — ' Here's 
poor Rory come to see you before you die, 
<ind^ to receive your blessing. What, man! 
don't despair, you have been a great sinner, 
'tis true, — what then ? There's a righteous 
judge above, an't there? He minds me no 
more than a porpoise. Yes, yes, he's a-going ; 
the land crabs Avill have him, I see that ! his 
anchor's a-peak, i'faith.' This homely conso- 
lation scandalised the company so much, and 
especially the parson, who probably thought 
his province invaded, tliat we were obliged to 
retire into another room, where, in a few mi- 
nutes, we were convinced of my grandfather's 
decease, by a dismal yell uttered by the youn^ 
ladies in his apartment ; whither we immedi- 
ately hastened, and found his heir, who had 
retired a little before into a closet, under pre- 
tsnce of giving vent to his sorrow, asking, 
with a countenance beslubbered with tears, 
if his grandpapa was certainly dead ? ' Dead !' 
(says my imole, looking at the body) ' ay, ay, 
id warrant him as dead as a herring. Odd's 
iish ! now my dream is out for all the world. 
I thought I stood upon the forecastle, and 
.saw a parcel of carrion crows foul of a dead 
.shark that floated alongside, and the devil 
perching upon our spritsail yard, in the like- 
ni'ss of a blue bear — who, d'ye see, jumped 
o/erboard upon the carcass, and carried it to 
tlie bottom in his claws.' ' Out upon thee, 
reprobate' (cries the parson), ' out upon thee, 
blasphemous wretch ! Dost thoii think his 
honour's soul is in the possession of Satan ?' 
The clamour immediately arose, and my poor 
imcle, being shouldered from one corner of 
the room to the other, was obliged to lug out 
in his own defence, and swear he would turn 
ou : for no man, till such time as he knew who 
hcui the title to send him adrift. ' None of 
y^ur tricks upon travellers,' said he ; ' may- 
hap old Bluff has left my kinsman here his 
heir : if he has, it will be the better for his 
miserable soid. Odds bob ! I'd desire no better 
news. I'd soon make him a clear ship, I war- 



rant you.' To avoid any further disturbance, 
one of my grandfather's executors, avIio was 
present, assured Mr. Bowling, that his nephew 
should have all manner of justice ; that a day 
should be appointed after the funeral for ex- 
amining the papers of the deceased, in pre- 
sence of all his relations ; till which time every 
desk and cabinet in the house should remain 
close sealed ; and that he was very welcome 
to be witness to this ceremonj^, which was 
immediately performed to his satisfaction. In 
the meantime, orders were given to provide 
mourning for all the relations, in which num- 
ber I was included ; but my uncle would not 
suffer me to accept of it, until 1 should bo 
assured whether or no [ had reason to honour 
his memory so far. During this interval, the 
conjectures of people, with regard to the old 
gentleman's will, were various . as it was well 
known, he had, besides his landed estate, 
which was worth =£700 per annum, six or seven 
thousand pounds at interest, some imagined 
that the whole real estate (which he had 
greatly improved) would go to the young man 
whom he always entertained as his heir ; and 
that the money would be equally divided be- 
tween my female cousins (five in number) and 
me. Others were of opinion, that, as the rest 
of the children had been already provided for, 
he would only bequeath two or three hundred 
pounds to each of his granddaughters, and 
leave the bulk of the sum to me, to atone for 
his unnatural usage of my father. At length 
the important hour arrived, and the wiU was 
produced in the midst of the expectants, whose 
looks and gestures formed a group that would 
have been very entertaining to an uncon- 
cerned spectator. But, the reader can scarce 
conceive the astonishment and mortification 
that appeared, when an attorney pronounced 
aloud, the young squire sole heir of all his 
grandfather's estate, personal and real. My 
Tinclc, who had listened with great attention, 
sucking the head of his cudgel all the while, 
accompanied these words of the attorney with 
a stare, and ivhew, that alarmed the whole 
assembly. The eldest and pertest of my fe- 
male competitors, who had been always very 
officious about my grandfather's person, in- 
quired, with a faltering accent and visage as 
yellow as an orange, ' if there were no lega- 
cies r' and was answered, ' None at all.' — Upon 
which she fainted away. The rest, whose ex- 
pectations, perhaps, were not so sanguine, 
supported their disappointment with more 
resolution, though not without giving evident 
marks of indignation, and grief at least as 
genuine as that which appeared in them at 
the old gentleman's death. My conductor, 
after having kicked with his heel for some 
time against the wainscot, began : ' So there's 
no legacy, friend, ha I — here's an old succubus ; 
but somebody's soul howls for it, d — n me !' 
The parson of the parish, who was one of the 
executors, and had acted as ghostl3' director 
to the old man, no sooner heard this excla- 
mation than he cried out, ' Avaiint, unchris- 



RODEEICK EANBOM. 



tian rcviler ! avaunt ! wilt thou not allow the 
soul of his honour to rest in peace ?' But this 
zealous pastor did not find himself so warmly 
seconded, as formerly, by the young: ladies, 
who now joined my uncle against him, and 
accused him of having acted the part of a 
busybody with their grandpapa, whose ears 
he had certain]}' abused by false stories to 
their prejudice, or else he would not have 
neglected them in such an unnatural manner. 
The young squire was much diverted with 
this scene, and whispered to my uncle, that if 
he had not murdered his dogs, he would have 
shown him glorious fun, by hunting a black 
badger (so he termed the clergyman). The 
surly lieutenant, who was not in a humour to 
relish this amusement, replied, ' You and your 
dogs may be damn'd. I suppose you'll find 
them with your old dad, in the latitude of 
hell. Come, Eory, — about ship, my lad, wo 
must steer another course, I think.' And away 
we went. 



CHAPTER V 

TJie Sclwolmaster uses me barbarously — I form 
a Project of Revenge, in which lam assisted 
by my Uncle — Heave tlte Village — amsettled 
at a University by his Generosity. 

ON our way back to the village, my uncle 
spoke not a word during tlie space of a 
whole hour, but whistled with great vehe- 
mence the tunc of ' Why should we quarrel 
for riches,' &c., his visage being contracted 
aU the while into a most formidable frown. 
At length his pace increased to such a degree 
that I was loft behind a considerable way : 
then he waited for me ; and when I was 
almost up ydth him, called out in a surly tone, 
' Bear a hand, damme ! must I bring to every 
minute for you, you lazy dog.' Then, laying 
hold of me by the arm, hauled me along, 
until his good nature (of which he had a great 
share) and reflection getting the better of his 
passion, ho said, ' Come, my boy, don't be 
cast down, — the old rascal is in hell, that's 
some satisfaction ; you shall go to sea with 
me, my lad. " A light heart and a thin pair 
of breeches goes through the world, brave 
boys ;" as the song goes — eh I' Though this 
proposal did not at all suit my inclination, I 
was afraid of discovering my aversion to it, 
lest I should disoblige the only friend I had 
in the world ; and he was so much a seaman 
that he never dreamt I could have had any 
objection to his design ; consequently gave 
himself no trouble in consulting my approba- 
tion. But this resolution was soon dropped, 
by the advice of our usher, who assured 
Mr. Bowling, it would be a thousand pities 
to balk my genius, which would certainly 
one day make my fortune on shore, provided 
it received due cultivation. Upon which, this 
generous tar determined (though he could ill 
afford it) to give me university education ; 
and accordingly settled my board and other 



expenses, at a town not many mUes distant, 
famous for its colleges, whither we repaireil 
in a short time. But, before the day of our 
departure, the schoolmaster, who no longer 
had the fear of my grandfather before his 
eyes, laid aside all decency and restraint, and 
not only abused me in the grossest language 
his rancour could suggest, as a wicked, pro- 
fligate, dull, beggarly miscreant, whom he had 
taught out of charity ; but also inveighed in 
the most bitter manner against the memorj- 
of the judge (who by the by had procured 
that settlement for him), hinting, ui pretty 
plain terms, that the old gentleman's soul 
was damned to all eternity for his injustice 
in neglecting to pay for my learning. This 
brutal behaviour, added to the sufterings I had 
formerly undergone made me think it high 
time to be revenged on this insolent pedagogue. 
Having consulted my adherents, I found them 
all staunch in then- promises to stand by me ; 
and our scheme was this : — In the afternoon 
preceding the day of our departure for the Uni- 
versity, I resolved to take the advantage of the 
usher's going out to make water (whichheregu- 
larly did at four o'clock), and shut the great 
door, that he might not come to the assistance of 
his superior. This being done, the assault was 
to bebegun,by myadvancingto my master and 
spitting in his face. I was to bo seconded by 
two of the strongest boys in the school, who 
were devoted to me ; their business was to 
join me in dragging the tyrant to a bench, 
over which he was to be laid, and his bare 
posteriors heartily flogged with his own biivh, 
which we proposed to wrest from him in his 
struggle ; but if we should find him too many 
for us all three, we were to demand the assis- 
tance of our competitors, who should be ready 
to enforce us, cr oppose anything that might 
be undertaken for the master's relief. One of 
my principal assistants was called Jeremy 
Gawky, son and heir of a wealthy gentle- 
man in the neighbourhood ; and the name 
of the other, Hugh Strap, the cadet of a 
family which had given shoemakers to the 
village time out of mind. I had once saved 
Gawky's life, by plunging into a river and 
dragging him on shore, when he was on the 
point of being drowned. I had often rescued 
him from the clutches of those whom his 
insufi"erable arrogance had provoked to a re- 
sentment he was not able to sustain ; and 
many time saved his reputation and pos- 
teriors, by performing his exercises at school ; 
so that it is not to be wondered at, if he had 
a particular regard for me and my interests. 
The attachment of Strap flowed from a volun- 
tary, disinterested inclination, which had 
manifested itself on many occasions in my 
behalf, he having once rendered me the same 
service that I had rendered Gawky, by saving 
my life at the risk of his own ; and often 
fathered offences that I had committed, for 
which he suffered severely, rather than I 
should feel the weight of the punishment I 
deserved. These two champions were the • 



10 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



more •wining to engage in this enterprise, be- 
cause they intended to leave the school next 
day, as well as I ; the first being ordered by 
his father to return into the country, and the 
other being bound apprentice to a barber, at 
a market tovni not far off. 

In the meantime, my uncle, being informed 
of my master's behaviour to me, was enraged 
at his rasolence, and vowed revenge so heartily 
that I could not refrain from telling him the 
scheme I had concerted, which he heard with 
great satisfaction, at every sentence squirting 
out a mouthful of spittle, tinctured with to- 
bacco, of which he constantly chewed a large 
quid. At last, puUiug up his breeches, he 
cried, ' No, no, z — ds ! that won't do neither ; 
howsomever, 'tis a bold undertaking, my lad, 
that I must say, i'faith ; but lookee, lookee, 
how do you propose to get clear off — won't 
the enemy give chase, my boy ? — ay, ay, that 
he will, I warrant, and alarm the whole coast ; 
ah ! God help thee, more sail than ballast, 
Eory . Let me alone for that — leave the whole 
to me. I'll show him the foretopsaU, I wUl. 
If so be your shipmates are jolly boys, and 
won't flinch, you shall see, you shall see ; 
egad, I'll play him such a salt-water trick — 
I'll bring him to the gangway, and anoint him 
with a cat-and-nine-tails ; he shall have a 
round dozen doubled, my lad, he shall — and 
bo left lashed to his meditations.' We were 
very proud of our associate, who immediately 
went to work, and prepared the instrument 
of his revenge with great skill and expedition; 
after which, he ordered our baggage to be 
packed up and sent off, a day before our at- 
tempt, and got hor.ses ready to be mounted, 
as soon as the affair should be over. At 
length the hour arrived, when our auxiliary, 
seizing the opportunity of the usher's absence, 
bolted in, secured the door, and immediately 
laid hold of the pedant by his collar, who 
bawled out, ' Murder, Thieves I' with the 
voice of a Stentor. Though I trembled all 
over like an aspen leaf, I knew there was no 
time to be lost, and accordingly got up, and 
summoned our associates to our assistance. 
Strap, without any hesitation, obeyed the 
signal, and seeing mo leap upon the master's 
back, ran immediately to one of his legs, 
which pulling with all his force, this dreadful 
adversary was humbled to the ground ; upon 
which Gawk.y, who had hitherto remained iia 
his place, under the influence of a universal 
trepidation, hastened to the scene of action, 
and insulted the fallen tj'rant with a loud 
huzza, in which the whole school joined. The 
noise alarmed the usher, who, finding himself 
shut out, endeavoured, partly by threats and 
partly by entreaties, to procure admission. 
My uncle bade him have a little patience, and 
he would let him in presently ; but if he pre- 
tended to stir from that place, it should fare 
the worse with the son of a bitch his superior, 
on whom he intended only to bestow a little 
wholesome chastisement, for his barbarous 
usage of Eory, ' to which,' said he, ' you are 



no stranger.' By this time we had dragged 
the criminal to a post; to which BowUng tied 
him with a rope he had provided on purpose; 
after having secured his hands and stripped 
his back. In this ludicrous posture he stood 
(to the no small entertainment of the boys, 
who crowded about him, and shouted with 
great exultation at the novelty of the siglit), 
venting bitter imprecations against the lieu- 
tenant, and reproaching his scholars with 
treachery and rebellion ; when the usher was 
admitted, whom my tmcle accosted in this 
manner : ' Harkee, Mr. Syntax, I believe you 
are an honest man, d'ye see — and I have a 
respect for you — but for all that, we must, for 
our own security, d'ye see, belay you for a 
short time.' With these words, ho pulled out 
some fathoms of cord, which the honest man 
no sooner saw than he protested with great 
earnestness he would allow no violence to be 
offered to him, at the same time accusing mo 
of perfidy and ingratitude. But Bowling re- 
presenting that it was in vain to resist, and 
that ho did not mean to use him with violence 
and indecency, but only to hinder him from 
raising the hue and cry against us before we 
should be out of their power, he allowed him- 
self to be bound to his own desk, where he 
sat a spectator of the pimishment inflicted on 
his principal. My uncle, having upbraided 
this arbitrary wretch with his inhumanity to 
me, told him, that he proposed to give him a 
little discipline for the good of his soul, which 
he immediately put in practice, with great 
vigour and dexterity. This smart application 
to the pedant's ^vithered posteriors gave him 
such exquisite pain that he roared like a mad 
btill, danced, cursed, and blasphemed, like 
a frantic bedlamite. Wlicn the lieutenant 
thought himself sufficiently revenged, he took 
his leave of him in these words : ' Now, friend, 
you'll remember me the longest day you have 
to live; I have given you a lesson that will 
let you know what flogging is, and teach you 
to have more sympathy for the future. Shout, 
boys, shout !' 

This ceremony was no sooner over than my 
uncle proposed they should quit the school, 
and convey their old comrade Rory to a 
public-house, about a mile from the village, 
where he would treat thorn all. His offt^r 
being joyfully embraced, he addressed himself 
to Mr. Syntax, and begged him to accompany 
us ; but this invitation he refused with great 
disdain, telling my benefactor he was not the 
man he took him to be. ' Well, well, old 
surly,' replied my uncle, shaking his hand, 
' thou art an honest fellow notwithstanding ; 
and if ever I have the command of a ship, 
thou shalt be our schoolmaster, i' faith.' So 
saying he dismissed the boys, and locking the 
door, left the two preceptors to console one 
another; while we moved forwards on our 
journey, attended by a numerous retinue, 
whom he treated according to his promise. 

We parted with many tears, and lay that 
night at an inn on the road, about ten miles 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



II 



Bhort of tlie town -where I wfis to remain, at 
which we arrived next day, and I found I had 
no cause to complain of the accommodations 
provided for me, in being boarded at the 
house of an apothecary, who had married a 
distant relation of my mother. In a few days 
after, my uncle set out for his ship, having 
settled the necessary funds for my mainte- 
nance and education. 



CHAPTER VI. 

I malce great progress in. my Studies — am 
caressed by Everybody — my female Cmisuis 
take Notice of me — I reject their Inintation 
— they are incensed, and coyispire against 
me — am left destitute by a Misfortune that 
befalls my Uncle — Gau'ky's Treachery — my 
Revenge, 

AS I was now capable of reflection, I began 
to consider my precarious situation ; 
that I was utterly abandoned by those whose 
duty it was to protect me ; and that my sole 
dependence was on the generosity of one 
man, who was not only exposed by his pro- 
fession to continual dangers, which might 
one day deprive me of him for ever ; but also 
(no doubt) subject to those vicissitudes of 
disposition which a change of fortune usually 
creates, or which a better acquaintance with 
the world might produce; for I always 
ascribed liis benevolence to the dictates of a 
heart as yet undebauched by a commerce 
with mankind. Alarmed at these considera- 
tions, I resolved to apply myself A^ath great 
care to my studies, and enjoy the opportunity 
in my power : this I did with such success 
that, in the space of three years, I understood 
Greek very well, was pretty far advanced in 
the mathematics, and no stranger to moral 
and natural philosophy : logic I made no 
account of; but, above all things, I valued 
myself on my taste in the belles lettres, and a 
talent for poetry, which ha<l already produced 
some pieces that had met with a favotirablo 
reception. These qualifications, added to a 
good face and shape, acquired the esteem and 
acquaintance of the most considerable people 
in town, and I had the satisfaction to find 
myself in some degree of favour with the 
ladies ; an intoxicating piece of good fortune 
to one of my amorous complexion ! which I 
obtained, or at least preserved, by prratifying 
their propensity to scandal, in lampooning 
their rivals. 

Two of my female cousins lived in this 
place, with their mother, since the death of 
their father, who left his whole fortune 
equally divided between them ; so that, if 
they were not the most beautiful, they were 
at least the richest toasts in town ; and re- 
ceived daily the addresses of all the beaux 
and cavaliers of the country. Although I 
had hitherto been looked vipon by them with 
the most supercilious contempt, my character 
xiow attracted their notice so much that I 



was given to understand I might be honoiired 
with their acquaintance, if I pleased. 

The reader wiU easily perceive that this 
condescension either flowed from the hope of 
making my poetical Cipacity subservient to 
their malice, or at least of screening them- 
selves from the lash of my resentment, which 
they had efiFectually provoked. I enjoyed this 
triumph with great satisfaction, and not only 
rejected their ofi'er with disdain, but in all 
my performances, whether satire or pane- 
gyric, industriously avoided mentioning their 
names, even while I celebrated those of their 
intimates : this neglect mortified their pride 
exceedingly, and incensed them to such a 
degree that they were resolved to make me 
repent of my indifference. The first stroke 
of their revenge consisted in their hiring a 
poor collegian to write verses against me, 
the subject of which was my own poverty, 
and the catastrophe of my unhappy parents ; 
but, besides the badness of the composition 
(of which they themselves were ashamed), 
they did not find their account in endeavour- 
ing to reproach me with those misfortunes 
which they and their relations had brought 
upon me ; and which consequently reflected 
much more dishonour on themselves than on 
me, who was the innocent victim of their 
barbarity and avarice. 

Finding this plan miscarry, they found 
means to irritate a young gentleman against 
mo, by telling him I had lampooned his 
mistress ; and so effectually succeeded in the 
quality of incendiaries that this enraged lover 
determined to seize mo next night, as I re- 
turned to my lodgings from a friend's house 
that I frequented : with this view, he waited 
in the street, attended by two of his com- 
panions, to whom he had imparted his design 
of carrying mo down to the river, in which 
he proposed to have me heartily ducked, not- 
withstanding the severity of the weather, it 
being then about the middle of December. 
But this stratagem did not succeed; for, 
being apprised of their ambush, I got home 
another way, and by the help of my land- 
lord's apprentice, discharged a volley from 
the garret window, which did great execution 
upon them, and next day occasioned so much 
mirth at their expense that they found them- 
selves under a necessity of leaving the 
to-\vn, until the adventure should be entirely 
forgotten. 

My cousins (though twice baffled in their 
expectation) did not, however, desist from 
persecuting mo, who had now enraged them 
beyond a possibility of forgiveness by detect- 
ing their maUce and preventing its effects : 
neither should I have foimd them more hu- 
mane, had I patiently submitted to their ran- 
cour, and borne without murmuring the rigour 
of their unreasonable hate ; for I have found 
by experience, that though small favours may 
be acknowledged and slight injuries atoned, 
there is no -wretch so ungrateful as he whom 
you have most generously obliged, and no 



12 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



enemy so implacable as those who have done 
you the greatest ■wrong. These good-natured 
creatures, therefore, had recourse to a scheme 
which conspired with a piece of bad news I 
soon after received, to give them all the satis- 
faction they desired : this plan was to debauch 
the faith of my companion and confidant, who 
betrayed the trust I reposed in him, by im- 
parting to them the particulars of my small 
amours, which they published with such exag- 
gerations that I suffered very much in tha 
opinion of everybody, and was utterly discard- 
ed by the dear creatures whose names had 
been called in question. 

While I was busy in tracing out the author 
of this treachery, that I might not only be 
revenged on him, but also vindicate my cha- 
racter to ray friends, I one day perceived the 
looks of my landlady much altered, when I 
went home to my dinner, and inquiring into 
the cause, she screwed up her mouth, and fix- 
ing her eyes on the ground, told me her hus- 
band had received a letter from Mr. Bowling, 
with one inclosed for me. She was very sorry 
for what had happened, both for my sake and 
his own — people should bo more cautious of 
their conduct — she was always afraid his bru- 
tal behaviour would bring him into some mis- 
fortune or other. As for her part, she should bo 
very ready to befriend me ; but she had a small 
family of her own to maintain. The world 
would do nothing for her if she should come to 
Avant — charity begins at homo : she wished I 
had been bound to some substantial handicraft, 
such as a weaver or a shoemaker, rather than 
loiter away my time in learning foolish non- 
sense, that would never bring me in a penny — 
but some folks are wise, and some are otherwise. 

I was listening to this mysterious discourse 
with great amazement, when her husband en- 
tered, and, without speaking a syllable, put 
both the letters into my hand. I received 
them trembling, and read what follows : 
' To Mr. Roger Potion. 

♦Sir, 

' This is to let you know that I have quitted 
the Thxinder man of war, being obliged to 
Siicer olf for killing my captain, which I did 
fairly on the beach, at Cape Tiberoon, in the 
Island of Hispaniola ; having received his fire 
and returned it, which went through his body : 
and I would serve the best man so that over 
stepped between stem and stern, if so be that 
ho struck mo, as Captain Oakum did. I am 
(tliank God) safe among the French, who are 
very civil, thof I don't understand their lingo ; 
and I hope to be restored in a little time, for 
all the great friends and parliamentary inte- 
rest of the captain, for I have sent over to my 
landlord in Deal an account of the whole af- 
fair, with our bearings and distances while wo 
were engaged, whereby I have desired him to 
lay it before his majesty, who (God bless him) 
will not suffer an honest tar to bo wronged. 
My love to your spouse, and am your loving 
Mend and servant to command, while 

'Thomas Bowling.' 



' To Roderick Random. 

' Dear Rory, 

' Don't be grieved at my misfortune, but 
mind your book, my lad. I have got no money 
to send you, but what of that P Mr. Potion 
will take care of you for the love he bears to 
me, and let you want for nothing ; and it 
shall go hard but 1 will see him one day re- 
paid. No more at present, but rests 
' Your dutiful imcle 

' and servant, till death, 

'Thomas Bowling.' 

This letter (which, with the other, was dated 
from Port Louis, in Hispaniola) I had no 
sooner read than the apothecary, shaking his 
head, began : ' I have a very great regard for 
Mr. Bowling that's certain ; and could be well 
content — but times are very hard. There's no 
such thing as money to be got ; I believe 'tis 
all vanished under ground, for my part. Be- 
sides, I have been out of pocket already, having 
entertained you since the beginning of this 
month, without receiving a sixpence, and God 
knov.^s if ever I shall ; for I believe it will go 
hard with your uncle. And more than that, 
I was thinking of giving you warning, for I 
want your apartment for a new 'prentice, 
whom I expect from the country every hour. 
So I desire you will this week ^jrovide your- 
self .with another lodging.' 

The indignation which this harangue in- 
spired gave me spirits to support my reverse 
of fortune, and to tell him I despised his 
mean selfish disposition so much that I would 
rather starve than be beholden to him for one 
single meal. Upon which, out of my pocket 
money, I paid him to the last farthing of 
what I owed, and assured him, I Avould not 
sleep another night under his roof. 

This said, I sallied out in a transport of 
rage and sorrow, without knowing whither 
to fly for shelter, having not one friend in the 
world capable of relieving me, and only three 
shillings in my purse. After giving way for 
a few minutes to the dictates of my rage, I 
went and hired a small bedroom, at the rate 
of one shilling and sixpence per week, which 
I was obliged to pay per advance, before the 
landlord would receive me : thither I removed 
my luggage ; and next morning got up, with 
a view of craving the advice and assistance 
of a person who had on all occasions loaded 
me with caresses and made frequent offers of 
friendship, while I was under no necessity of 
accepting them. He received me with his 
wonted affability, and insisted on my break- 
fasting with him, a favour which I did not 
think fit to refuse. But when I communicated 
the occasion of my visit, he appeared so dis- 
concerted that I concluded him wonderfully 
atfcctod with the misery of my contlition, and 
looked upon him as a man of the most exten- 
sive sympathy and benevolence. He did not 
leave me long under this mistake; for, re- 
covering himself fr«m his confusion, he told 
me he was grieved at my misfortune, and 
desired to know Vr^hat had passed between 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



13 



mj' landlord, Mr. Potion, and me. Wliere- 
npon I recounted tho conversation ; and, 
■when I repeated the answer I made to his un- 
generous reujonstrance with regard to my 
leaving his house, this pretended friend 
atfected a stare, and exclaimed, ' Is it possible 
you could behave so ill to the man who had 
treated you so kindly all along ? ' 

My surprise at hearing this was not at all 
affected, whatever his might be ; and I gave 
him to understand with some warmth, that T 
did not imagine he would so unreasonably 
espouse the cause of a scoundrel who ought 
to be expelled from every social community. 
This heat of mine gave him all the a Ivantago 
he desired over me, and our discourse, after 
much altercation, concluded in his desiring 
never to see me again in that place ; to which 
desire I yielded my consent, assuring him, 
that, had I been as well acquainted with his 
principles formerly as I was now, he never 
should have had an opportunity of making 
tljat request. And thus we parted. 

Un my return, I met my comrade. Squire 
Gawky, whom his father had sent, some time 
ago, to town, for his improvement in writing, 
dancing, fencing, and other modish qualifi- 
cations. As I had lived with him since his 
arrival on the footing of our old intimacy, I 
made no scruple of informing him of the 
lowncss of my circumstances, and asking a 
small supjjly of money, to answer my present 
expense ; upon which ho pidlod out a hand- 
ful of halfpence with a shilling or two 
among them, and swore that was all he had 
to keep his jiocket till next quarter-day, he 
having lost the greatest part of his allowance 
tho night before at billiards. Though this 
assertion might very well bo true, I wius ex- 
tremely mortitted at his indifference ; for he 
neither expressed any sympathy for my mis- 
hap nor desire of alleviating my disti'oss ; and 
accordingly I left him without uttering one 
word : but, when I afterwards understood 
that he was the person who had formerly 
betrayed me to tho malice of my cousins, to 
whom likewise ho had carried the tidings of 
my forlorn situation, which afforded them 
great matter of triumph and exultation, I de- 
termined Avith myself to call him to a severe 
account : for which purpose I borrowed a 
sword, and wrote a challenge, desiring him 
to meet me at a certain time and place, that 
I might have an opportunity of punishing 
his perfidy, at the expense of his blood. Ho 
accepted the invitation, and I betook myself 
to the field, though not without feeling con- 
siderable repugnance to the combat, which 
frequently attacked me in cold sweats by the 
way ; but the desire of revenge, the shame of 
retracting, and hope of conquest, conspii-ed 
to repel these unmanly symptoms of fear; and 
I appeared on the plain with a good grace : 
there I waited an hour beyond the time 
appointed, and was not ill pleased to find he 
had no mind to meet me, because I should 
have an opportunity of exposing his cowardice, 



displaying my own courage, and of beating 
him soundly wheresoever 1 should find, with- 
out any dread of tho consequence. 

Elevated with these sugf^estions, which en- 
tirely banished all thoiights of my dci>lorablo 
condition, I wont directly to Gawky's lodgings, 
where I was informed of his precipitate 
retreat, he having set out for the counti-y in 
less than an hour after ho had received my 
billet; and I was vain enough to have tho 
whole story inserted in the news, although I 
was fain to sell a gold laced hat to my land- 
lord for less than half-price, to defray tho 
expenses and contribute to my subsistence. 



CHAPTER VII. 

I am entertained by Mr. Crah — a desa-iplion 
of . him — I acquire the Art of Surgery — 
consult Crab's Disposition — become neces- 
sary to him — an Accident happens — he 
advises me to launch out into the world — 
assists me xoith Money — I set out for London. 

THE fumes of my resentment being dissi- 
pated, as well as the vanity of my success, 
I found myself deserted to all the horrors of 
extreme want, and avoided by mankind as a 
creature of a difl'erent species, or rather as a 
solitary being, no ways comprehended within 
the scheme or protection of Providence. My 
despair had rendered me almost quite stulti- 
fied, when I was one tlay told, that a gontlcmau 
desired to see mo at a certain public-house, 
whither immediately I repaired ; and was in- 
troduced to one Mr. Launcelot Crab, a surgeon 
in town, who was engaged with two moro 
in drinking a liquor called pop-in, composed 
by mixing a cpiartern of brandy with a quart 
of small beer. Before I relate the occasion 
of this message, I believe it will not bo dis- 
agreeable to the reader, if I describe tho 
gentleman who sent for me, and mention 
some circumstances of his character and con- 
duct which may illustrate what follows, and 
account for his behaviour to me. 

This member of tho faculty was aged fifty, 
about five feet high, and ten round the belly ; 
his face was as capacious as a full moon, and 
much of tho complexion of a mulberry : his 
nose, resembling a powder-horn, was swelled 
fro an enormous size, and studded all over 
with carbuncles ; and his little gray eyes re- 
flected tho rays in such an oblique manner 
that, while he looked a person full in the face, 
one would have imagined ho was admiring 
the buckle of his shoe. Ho had long enter- 
tained an implacable resentment against 
Potion, who, though a younger practitioner, 
was better employed than he, and once had 
the assurance to perform a cure, whereby ho 
disappointed and disgraced the prognostic of 
the said Crab. This quarrel, which was at 
one time upon the point of being made up, by 
the interposition and mediation of friends, 
had been lately inflamed beyond a possibility 
of reconciliation by the respective wives of 



14 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



the opponents, who, chancing to meet at a 
christening, disagreed about precedence, pro- 
ceeded from invectives to blows, and were 
Avith great difficulty, by the gossips, prevented 
from converting the occasion of joy into a 
scene of lamentation. 

The difference betAveen these rivals was in 
the height of rancour, when I received the 
message of Crab, who received mo as civilly 
as I could have expected from one of his dis- 
position ; and, after desiring me to sit, inquired 
into the particulars of my leaving the house 
of Potion ; which when I had related, he said, 
with a malicious grin, ' There's a sneaking 
dog ! I always thought him a fellow without 
a soul, d — n me, — a canting scoundrel, who 
has crept into business by his hypocrisy, and 
kissing the a — e of ev^ery body.' — 'Ay, ay,' 
says another, ' one might see with half an eye 
that the rascal has no honesty in him, by his 
going so regularly to church.' 

This sentence was confirmed by a third, 
who assured his companions that Potion was 
never kno\vn to be disguised in liquor but 
once, at a meeting of the godly, where he 
had distinguished himself by an extempore 
prayer an hour long. After this preamble, 
Crab addressed himself to me in these words : 
' Well, my lad, I have heard a good character 
of you, and I'll do for j-ou. You may send 
your tilings to my house when you please. 
I have given orders for your reception. 
Zounds ! What docs the booby stare at ? If 
you have no mind to embrace my courteous 
offer, you may lot it alone, and be d — d.' I 
answered with a submissive bow, that I was 
far from rejecting his friendly offer, which I 
would immediately accept, as soon as he 
shoLild inform mo on what footing I was to 
be entertained. ' What footing ! d — n my 
blood,' cried he, ' d'ye expect to have a foot- 
man and a couple of horses kept for you P' — 
' No, sir,' I replied, ' my expectations are not 
quite so sanguine. That I may be as little 
burthensome as possible, I woidd willingly 
serve in your shop, by which means I may 
save you the expense of a journeyman, or 
porter at least, for I understand a little phar- 
macy, having employed some of my leisure 
hours in the practice of that art, while I lived 
with Mr. Potion ; neither am I altogether 
ignorant of surgery, which I have studied 
witli great pleasure and application.' — ' Oho I 
you did,' says Crab. ' Gentlemen, here is a 
comjilete artist ! Studied surgery ! what ? in 
books, I suppose. I shall have you disputing 
with me one of these days on points of my 
profession. You can already account for mus- 
cular motion, I warrant, and explain the 
myst(5ry of the brain and nerves — ha ! You 
are too learned for me, d — n me. But let's 
have no more of this stuff. Can you bleed 
and give a clj-ster, spread a plaster, and pre- 
pare a potion !-' Upon my answering in the 
atHrmative, he shook his head, telling me, he 
believed lie should have little good of me, for 
all my promises ; but, however, he would take 



me in for the sake of charity. I was accord- 
ingly that very night admitted to his house, 
and had an apartment assigned to me in the 
garret, which I was fain to put up with, not- 
withstanding the mortification my pride suf- 
fered in this change of circumstances. 

I was soon convinced of the real motives 
which induced Crab to receive me in this 
mtmner ; for, besides the gratification of his 
revenge, by exposing the selfishness of his 
antagonist, in opposition to his own gene- 
rosity, which was all affectation, he had occa- 
sion for a young man who understood some- 
thing of the profession, to fill up the place of 
his eldest apprentice, latelj' dead, not Avithout 
violent suspicion of foul play from his mas- 
ter's brutality. The knowledge of this cir- 
: cumstance, together with his daily behaviour 
to his wife and the young apprentice, did not 
at all contribute to my enjoying my new 
situation with ease ; however, as I did not 
perceive how I could bestow myself to better 
advantage, I resolved to study Crab's temper 
with all the application, and manage it Avith 
all the address in my poAver. And it Avas not 
long before I found out a strange peculiarity 
of humour Avhich governed his beliaviour to- 
Avards all his dependents. I observed, Avhen 
he was pleased, he Avas such a niggard of his 
satisfaction that, if his Avife or servants be- 
trayed the least symptom of participation, 
he was offended to an insupportable degree of 
choler and fury, the effects of which they sel- 
dom failed to feel. And when his indignation 
was roused, submission and soothing always 
exasperated it beyond the bounds of reason 
and humanity. I therefore pursued a con- 
trary plan ; and one day, when he honoured 
me AA'ith the names of ignorant whelp and lazy 
ragamuflin, I boldly replied, I was neither ig- 
noi'ant nor lazy, since I both understood and 
performed my business as Avell as he could do 
for his soul ; neither was it just to call me 
ragamuffin, for I had a Avhole coat on my liack, 
and was descended from a better family than 
any he could boast an alliance with. 

lie gave tokens of great amazement at this 
assurance of mine, and shook his cane over 
my head, regarding me all the time Avith a 
countenance truly diabolical. Although I 
was terribly startled at his menacing looks 
and posture. I yet had reflection enough left 
to couAance me I had gone too far to retract, 
and that this was the critical minute which 
must decide my future lot in his serAice ; I 
therefore snatched up the pestle of a mortar, 
and swore, if he offered to strike me Avithout 
a cause, I should see whether his skull or my 
weapon was hardest. 

He continued silent for some time, and at 
last broke forth into these ejaculations : ' This 
is fine usage from a servant to his master — 
very fine ! damnation ! but no matter, you 
shall pay for this, you dog, you shall ; I'll do 
your business — yes, yes, I'll teach you to lift 
your hand against me.' So saying, he retired, 
and left mo under dreadful apprehensions, 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



15 



which vanished entirely at our next meeting, 
when ho behaved with unusual complacency, 
and treated mo with a glass of punch after 
dinner. 

By this conduct I got the ascendancy over 
him in a short time, and became so necessary 
to him, in managing his business while he was 
engaged at the bottle, that fortune began to 
wear a kinder aspect ; and I consoled myself 
for the disregard of my former acquaintance, 
with the knowlede"e I daily imbibed by a close 
application to the duties of my employment, 
in which I succeeded beyond my own expec- 
tation. I was on very good terms with my 
master's wife, Avhose esteem I acquireil and 
cultivated, by representing Mrs. Potion in the 
most ridiculous lights my satirical talents 
coixld invent, as well as by rendering her 
some Christian offices, when she had been to© 
familiar with the dram bottle, to which she 
had oftentimes recourse for consolation, under 
the affliction she suffered from a barbarous 
husband. 

In this manner I lived, without hearing the 
least tidings of my uncle for the space of two 
years, during which time I kept Uttle or no 
company, being neither in a humour to relish 
nor in a capacity to maintain much acquain- 
tance; for the Nabal my master allowed me 
no wages, and the small perquisites of my 
station scarcely supplied me with the common 
necessaries of life. I was no longer a pert 
unthinking coxcomb, giddy with popular ap- 
plause, and elevated with the extravagance of 
hope : my misfortunes had taught me how 
little the caresses of the world, diu-ing a mau's 
prosperitj', are to be valued by him ; and how 
seriou-sly and expeditiously he ought to set 
about making himself independent of them. 
My present appearance, therefore, was the 
least of my care, which was wholly engrossed 
in laying up a stock of instruction that might 
secure me against the caprice of fortune for 
the future. I became such a sloven, and con- 
tracted such an air of austerity, tliat every- 
body pronounced mo crestfallen ; and Gawky 
retiu-ned to town without ruiming any risk 
from my resentment, which was by this time 
pretty much cooled, and restrained by pru- 
dential reasons so effectually that I never so 
much as thought of obtaining satisfaction for 
the injuries he had done me. 

When I deemed myself sufficiently master 
of my business I began to cast about for an 
opportunity of launching into the world, in 
hoi>o of finding some provision that might 
make amends for the difficulties I had under- 
gone ; but, as this could not be effected with- 
out a small sum of money to equip mo for the 
field, I was in the utmost perplexity how to 
raise it, well knowing that Crab, for his own 
sake, would never put mo in a condition to 
leave him, when his interest was so much con- 
cerned in my stay. Biat a small accident, 
which happened aXout this time, determined 
him in my favour. This was no other than 
the pregnancy of his maidservant, who de- 



clared her situation to me, assuring mo at the 
same time that I was the occasion of it. 

Although I had no reason to question the 
truth of this imputation, I was not ignorant 
of the familiarities which had passed between 
her master and her, taking the advantage of 
which I represented to her the folly of laying 
the biu'don at my door, when she might dis- 
pose of it to much better purpose with 
Mr. Crab. She listened to my advice, and 
next day acquainted him with the pretended 
success of their mutual endeavours. Ho was 
far from being overjoyed at this proof of his 
vigour, which he foresaw might have very 
troublesome consequences ; not that he dread- 
ed any domestic grumblings and reproaches 
trom his wife, whom he kept in perfect sub- 
jection ; but because he knew it would furnish 
his rival Potion with a handle for insulting 
and undermining his reputation, there being 
no scandal equal to that of uncleanness, in 
the opinion of those who inhabit the part of 
the island where ho lived. He therefore took 
a resolution worthy of himself, which was, to 
persuade the girl that she was not with child, 
but only afflicted with a disorder incidental 
to young women, which he coidd easily re- 
move: with this view (as he pretended) ho 
prescribed for her such medicines as ho 
thought would infallibly procure abortion ; 
but in this scheme ho was disappointed, for 
tho maid, being advertised by me of his de- 
sign, and at tlio same time well acquainted 
with her own condition, absolutely refused to 
follow his directions ; and threatened to pub- 
lish her situation to the worW if ho would 
not immediately take some method of pro- 
viding for the important occasion, which she 
expected in a few months. It was not long 
before I guessed the result of his deliberation, 
by his addressing himself to me one day in 
this manner : ' I am surprised that a young 
fellow like you discovers no inclination to 
push his fortune in the world. Before I was 
of your ago I was broiling on the coast of 
Guinea. l3 — e ! what's to hinder you from 
profiting by the war which will certainly be 
declared in a short time against Sjiaiu ? You 
may easily get on board of a king's ship in 
quality of surgeon's nuite, where you will 
certainly see a great deal of practice, and 
stand a good chance of getting prize-money.' 

I laid hold of this declaration, which I had 
long wished for, and assured him I would fol- 
low his advice with pleasure, if it were in my 
power ; but that it was impossible for me to 
embraco an opportunity of that kind, as I 
had no friend to advance a little money to 
supply me with what necessaries I should want, 
and defray the expenses of my journey to 
London. He told me that few necessaries 
were required ; and, as for the expense of my 
journey, he would lend mo money, sufficient 
not only for that purpose, but also to main- 
tain me comfortably in London until I should 
procure a warrant for my provision on board 
of some ship. 



16 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



I gave liim a thousand thanks for his 
obliging offer (although I Avas very well ap- 
prised of his motive, which was no other than 
a design to lay the bastard to my charge a,fter 
my departiu-e), and accordingly set out in a 
few weeks for London ; my whole fortune 
consisting of one suit of clothes, half a dozen 
ruffled shirts, as many plain, two pair of 
w^orsted and a like number of thread stock- 
ings ; a case of pocket instruments, a small 
edition of Horace, Wiseman's Surgery, and 
ten guineas in cash ; for which Crab took my 
bond, iDearing five per cent interest ; at the 
same time giving mo a letter to a member of 
parliament for our town, which he said would 
do my business effectually. 



CHAPTER VIII. 

I arrive nt Newcastle — meet with my old 
Hchoolfellotv Strap — ivc determine to ivalk 
together to London — set out on our Journeij 
— q)ut up at a solitary Aleliouse — are dis- 
twrbed by a strange Adventure in the Night. 

THERE is no snch convenience as a wag- 
gon in this country, and my finances 
were too weak to support the expense of 
hiring a horse : I determined therefore to set 
out with the carriers, Avho transport goods 
from one place to another on horseback ; and 
this scheme I accordinglj' put in execution on 
the 1st day of September, 1739, sitting upon 
a pack-saddle between two baskets, one of 
which contained my goods in a knapsack. 
But by the time we arrived at Newcastle- 
upon-Tyne I was so fatigued with the te- 
diousness of the carriage, and benumbed 
with the coldness of the weather, that I re- 
solved to travel the rest of my journey on 
foot, rather than proceed in such a disagree- 
able manner. 

The ostler of the inn at which wo put up, 
undcrstanling I was bound for London, ad- 
vised nio to take my passage in a collier, 
which would be both cheap and expeditious, 
and withal much easier than to walk upwards of 
three hundred miles through deep roads in the 
winter time, a journey which he liclievcd I 
ha<l not strength enough to perform. I was 
almost persuaded to take his advice, when one 
day, stepping into a barber's shop to bo 
shaved, the young man, wliilo he lathered my 
face, accosted me thus : ' Sir, I presume you 
are a Scotchman.' I answered in the affir- 
mative. ' Pray,' continued he, ' from what 
part of Scotland 'f ' I no sooner told him 
than lie discovered great emotion, and, not 
confining his operation to my chin and upper 
lip, besmeared my whole face with groat agi- 
tation. I was so offended at this profusion 
that, starting up, I asked him what the d — 1 
he meant by using me so F He begged par- 
don, telling me his joy at meeting with a 
countryman had occasioned some confusion 
in him, and craved my name. But, when I 
declar. d my name was Random, he exclaimed 



in rapture, ' How ! Rory Random ? ' ' The 
same,' I replied, looking at him with as- 
tonishment. ' What ! ' cried he, ' don't you 
know your old schoolfellow, Hugh Strap ? ' 

At that instant recollecting his face, I flew 
into his arms, and in the transport of my joy, 
gave him back one-half of the suds ho had so 
lavishly l)Cstowed on my countenance; so 
that we made a very ludicrous appearance, 
and furnished a great deal of mirth for his 
master and shopmates, who were witnesses 
of this scene. When our mutual caresses 
were over I sat down again to be shaved, but 
the poor fellow's nerves were so discomposed 
by this unexpected meeting that his hand 
could scarcely hold the razor, with which, 
nevertheless, he found means to cut me in 
three places in as many strokes. His master, 
perceiving his disorder, bade another supply 
his place, and after the operation was per- 
formed, gave Strap leave to pass the rest of 
the day with mo. 

We retired immediately to my lodgings, 
where, calling for some beer, I desired to bo 
informed of his adventures, which contained 
nothing more than that, his master dying 
before his time was out, ho had come to New- 
castle about a year ago, in expectation of 
joumeywork, along with three young fellows 
of his acquaintance, who worked in tlio keels ; 
that he had the good fortune of being cm- 
ployed by a very civil master, with whom ho 
intended to stay till the spring, at which timo 
he proposed to go to London, where ho did 
not doubt of finding encouragement. When 
I communicated to liim my situation and 
design, ho did not approve of my taking a 
passage by sea, by reason of the danger of a 
winter voyage, which is very hazardous along 
that coast, as well as the procariousness of 
the wind, which might possibly detain me a 
great while, to the no small detriment of my 
fortune ; whereas, if I would venture by land, 
ho would bear mo company, carry my basigago 
all the way, and, if we should bo fatigued 
before we could perform tlie journey, it wotild 
be no hard matter for us to find on the road 
either return horses or waggons, of which we 
might take the advantage for a very trilling 
expense. 

I was so ravished at this proposal that I 
embraced him afTcction.atcly, and assured 
him ho might command my purse to the 
last farthing: but ho gave me to under- 
stand he had saved money snfRcieiit to 
answer his own occasions ; and that he had 
a friend in London who would soon in- 
troduce him into business in that capital, and 
might possibly have it in his power to serve 
me also. 

Having concerted the plan and settled our 
affairs that night, we departed next morning 
by daybreak, armed with a good cudgel each 
(my companion being charged with the furni- 
ture of us both, ci-ammed into one knapsack), 
and our money sewed between the lining and 
waistbands of our breeches, except some loose 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



17 



silver for onr imme(3iate expenses on the road, 
We travellerl all d;iy at a round pace, but, 
bein>? ignorant of the proper stages, were be- 
nighted at a good distance from any inn, so 
that we wore compelled to take up our lodging 
at a small hudgo alehouse, that stood on a by- 
road, about half-a-mile from the highway : 
there we found a pedlar of our own country', 
in whose company we regaled ourselves with 
bacon and eggs, and a glass of good ale, before 
a comfortable fire, conversing all the while 
very sociably with the landlord and his 
daughter, a hale buxom lass, who entertained 
us with great good humour, and in whose affec- 
tion I was vain enough to believe I had made 
someprogress. About eight o'clock we wereall 
three, at our own desire, shown into an apart- 
ment furnished with two beds, in one of 
which Strap and I betook ourselves to rest, 
and the pedlar occupied the other, though not 
before he had prayed a considerable time 
extempore, searched into every comer of the 
room, and fastened the door on the inside with 
a strong iron screw, which ho carried about 
with him for that use. 

I slept very sound till midnight, when I was 
disturbed by a -tnolent motion of the bed, 
which shook under mo with a continual tre- 
mor. Alarmed at this jihenomenon, I jogged 
my companion, whom, to my no small amaze- 
ment, I found drenched in sweat, and quaking 
throuirh every limb ; he told me, -svith a low 
faltering voice, that we were undone ; for 
there was a bloody highwayman, loaded with 
pistols, in the next room ; then, bidding mo 
make as little noise as jiossible, ho directed 
mo to a small chink in the board partition, 
through which I could see a thick-set brawny 
fellow, with a fierce countenance, sitting at a 
table with our young landlady, having a bottle 
of ale and a brace of pistols before him 

I listened with great attention, and hoard 
him say, in a tcrril)Io tone, ' D — n that son of 
a b — h. Smack, the coachman ; he has served 
me a fine trick, indeed ! but d — tion seize me, 
if I <l<mt make him repent it ! I'll teach the 
scoundrel to give intelligence to others while 
he is under articles ^vith me.' 

Our landlady endeavoured to appease this 
exasperated robber, by saj-ing he might be 
mistaken in Smack, who perhaps kept no 
correspondence with the other gentleman that 
robbed his coach ; and that, if an accident 
had disappointed him to-day, he might soon 
find opportunities enough to atone for his 
lost trouble. ' I'll tell thee what, my dear 
Bet,' replied he, ' I never had, nor ever shall, 
while my name is Rifle, have such a glorious 
booty as I missed to-day. Z — ds ! there was 
.£400 in cash to recruit men for the king's 
service, besides the jewels, watches, swords, 
and money belonging to the passengers. 
Had it been my fortune to have got clear off 
with so much treasure, I would have pur- 
chased a commission in the army, and made 
yon an officer's lady, yon jade, I would.' 
' Well, well,* cries Betty, ' we must trust to 



Providence for that. But did you find nothing 
worth taking which escaped the other gentle- 
men of the road ? ' ' Not much, faith,' said 
the lover ; ' I gleaned a few things, such as a 
pair of pops, silver mounted (hei-e they are) ; 
I took them loaded from the captain who had 
the charge of the money, together with a 
gold watch which ho had concealed in his 
breeches. I likewise found ten Portugal 
pieces in the shoes of a quakcr, whom tlio 
spirit moved to revile mo with great bitter- 
ness and devotion ; but what I value myself 
mostly for is, this here purchase, a gold snuff- 
box, my girl, with a picture on the inside of 
the lid ; which I untied out of the tail of a 
pretty lady's smock.' 

Here, as the devil would have it, the pedlar 
snored so loud, that the highAvayman, snatch- 
ing his pistols, started up, crying, ' Hell and 
d — n — n ! I am betrayed ! Who's that in tho. 
next room ? ' Mrs. Betty told him ho need 
not bo uneasy ; there were only three poor 
wearied travellers, Avho, missing the road, 
had taken up their lodgings in the house, and 
were asleep long ago. ' Travellers,' says he, 
' spies, you b — ch ! But no matter : I'll send 
them all to hell in an instant.' He accord- 
ingly ran towards our door ; when his sweet- 
heart interposing, assured him, there was 
only a couple of poor young Scotchmen, who 
were too raw and ignorant to give him tho 
least cause of suspicion ; and the third was a 
Presbyterian pedlar of the same nation, who 
had often lodged in tho house before. 

This declaration satisfied the thief, who 
.swore he was glatl there was a pedlar, for ho 
wanted somo linen. Then, in a jovial manner, 
he put about the glass, mingling his discourse 
to Betty with caresses and familiarities, that 
spoke him very happy in his amours. During 
that part of tho conversation which regarded 
us, Strap had crept under tho bed, where ho 
lay in the agonies of fear ; so that it was with 
greatdifficulty I persuaded him our danger was 
over, and prevailed on him to awake the pedlar, 
and inform him of what he had seen and 
heard. 

Tho itinerant merchant no sooner felt 
somebody shaking him by the shoulder, than 
he started up, called, as loud as he could, 
' Thieves, thieves! Lord have mercy upon us ! ' 
And Rifle, alarmed at thisexclamation, jumped 
up, cocked one of his pi.stols, and turned 
towards tho door to kill the first man that 
should enter ; for he verily believed himself 
beset ; when his Dulcinea, after an immo- 
derate fit of laughter, persuaded him that tho 
poor pedlar, dreaming of thieves, had oidy 
cried out in his sleep. 

Meanwhile, my comrade had undeceived our 
fellow-lodger, and informed him of his reason 
for disturbing him ; upon which, getting up 
softly, he peeped through the hole, and was so 
terrified with what ho saw, that, falling dow!i 
on his bare knees, he put up a long petition 
to Heaven to deliver him from the hands of 
that rufiian, and promised never to defraud a 



18 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



customer for tho future of the value of a pin's 
point, provided ho might be rescued from the 
present danger. Whether or not his dis- 
burthening his conscience afforded him any 
ease I knew not, but he slipped into bed 
again, and lay very quiet until the robber and 
his mistress were asleep, and snored in con- 
cert ; then, rising softly, he untied a rope 
that was round his pack, which making fast 
to one end of it, he opened the window with 
as little noise as possible, and lowered his 
goods into the yard with great dexterity : 
then he moved gently to our bedside and bade 
us farewell, telling us that, as we ran no risk, 
we might take our rest with great confidence, 
and in the morning assure the landlord that 
we knew nothing of his escape ; and, lastly, 
shaking us by the hands, and AAdshing us all 
manner of success, he let himself drop from 
the window without any danger, for the 
ground was not above a yard from his feet as 
he hung on the outside. 

Although I did not think proper to accom- 
pany him in his flight, I was not at all free 
fi-om apprehension when 1 reflected on what 
might be the effect of the highwayman'sdisap- 
pointment ; as he certainly intended to make 
free with the pedlar's ware. Neither was my 
companion at more ease in his mind, but, on 
the contrary, so possessed with the dreadful 
idea of Eifle, that ho solicited me strongly to 
follow our countryman's example, and so 
elude the fatal resentment of that terrible 
adventurer, who would certainly WTcak his 
vengeance on us as accomplices of tho pedlar's 
elopement. But I represented to him tho 
danger of giving Rifle cause to think wo 
knew his profession, and suggested that, if 
ever he should meet us again on the road, ho 
would look upon us as dangerous acquaint- 
ance, and find it his interest to put us out of 
the way. I told him, withal, my confidence 
in Betty's good nature, in which he acqui- 
esced ; and during the remaining part of tho 
night we concerted a proper method of 
behaviour, to render us unsuspected in the 
morning. 

It was no sooner day than Betty, entering 
our chamber, and perceiving our mndow 
open, cried out, ' Odds-bobs ! sure you Scotch- 
men must have hot constitutions to lie all 
night with the window open in such cold 
weather.' I feigned to start out of sleep, and, 
Vy-ithdrawing tho curtain, called, ' What's the 
matter ? ' When she showed me, I affected 
surprise, and said, ' Bless me ! tho window 
was shut when we went to bed.' ' 111 be 
hanged,' said she, 'if Sawiiey Waddle, the 
pedlar, has not got up in a dream and done 
it, for I heard him very obstropulous in his 
sleep. Sure I put a chamberpot under hia 
bod ! ' 

With those words she advanced to the bed 
in wliieh ho lay, and, finding the sheets cold, 
exclaimed, ' Good lackadaisy ! tlie rogue is 
ilcd ! ' ' Pled ! ' cried I, with feigned amaze- 
ment, ' God forbid ! Sure he has not robbed us !' 



Then, springing^up, I laid hold of my breeches, 
and emptied all my loose money into my 
hand ; which having reckoned, I said, ' Heaven 
be praised, our money is all safe ! Strap, 
look to tho knapsack.' He did so, and found 
all was right. Upon which we asked, with 
seeming concern, if he had stolen nothing be- 
longing to the house. ' No, no,' replied she, 
*he has stole nothing but his reckoning;' 
which, it seems, this pious pedlar had forgot 
to discharge in the midst of his devotio:i. 

Betty, after a moment's pause, withdrew, 
and immediately we could hear her waken 
Rifle, who no sooner heard of Waddle's flight, 
than he jumped out of bed and di*essed, vent- 
ing a thousand execrations, and vowing 
to murder the pedlar if ever he should set 
eyes on him again : ' For,' said he, ' the 
scoundrel has by this time raised the hue 
and cry against me.' 

Having dressed himself in a hurry, he 
mounted his horse, and for that time rid us 
of his company and a thousand feao that 
were the consequence of it. 

WhUe we were at breakfast, Betty endea- 
voured, by all the cunning she was mistress 
of, to learn whether or no wo suspected our 
fellow-lodger, whom we saw take horse ; but, 
as we were on our guard, we answered her 
sly questions with a simplicity she could not 
distrust ; when, aU of a sudden, we heard tho 
trampling of a horse's feet at the door. This 
noiso alarmed Strap so much, whose imagina- 
tion was wholly engrossed by the imago of 
Rifle, that, with a countenance as pale as 
milk, he cried, ' Lord ! there is the high- 
wayman returned !' 

Our landlady, staring at these words, said, 
' What higlnvajTiian, young man ? i)o you 
think any highwaymen harbour here ?' 

Though I was very much disconcerted at 
this piece of indiscretion in Strap, I had 
presence of mind enough to tell her W9 had 
met a horseman the day before, whom Strap 
had foolishly supposed to bo a highwayman, 
because he rode with pistols ; and tliat ho 
had been terrified at the sound of a horse's 
feet ever since. 

She forced a smile at the ignorance and 
timidity of my comrade ; but I could per- 
ceive, not without great concern, that this 
account was not at till satisfactory to her. 



CHAPTER IX. 

Wc 2)rocced on our Journey — are overtal^en by 
a Highwayman, who Jires at Straj:) — is pre- 
vented from slwoting me hy a Comjiany oj 
Horsemen, v:ho ride in pnrs^dt of him — 
Strap is put to Bed at an Inn — Adventures 
at that Inn. 

AFTER having paid our score and taken 
leave of our hostess, who embraced me 
tenderly at parting, we proceeded on our 
journey, blessing ourselves that we had como 
off so well. We had not walked above five 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



19 



miles, when we observed a man on horseback 
galloping after us, whom we in a short time 
recognised to be no other than this formida- 
ble hero who had already given us so much 
vexation. He stopped hard by me, and asked 
if I knew who he was ? My astonishment 
had disconcerted me so much that I did not 
hear his question, which he repeated with a 
volley of oaths and threats ; but I remained 
as mute as before. 

Strap, seeing my discomposure, fell upon 
his knees in the mud, uttering, with a lamen- 
table voice, these words : ' For Ch — st's sake, 
have mercy upon us, Mr. Rifle ! we know you 
very well.' ' Uho !' cried the thief, ' you do ! 
But you never shall be evidence against me 
in this world, you dog !' So saying, he drew 
a pistol, and fired it at the unfortunate 
shaver, who fell flat upon the ground without 
speaking one word. 

My comrade's fate and my own situation 
riveted me to the place where I stood, de- 
prived of all sense and reflection ; so that I 
did not make the least attempt either to run 
away or deprecate the wrath of this bar- 
barian, who snapped a second pistol at me; 
but, before ho had time to prime again, per- 
ceiving a company of horsemen coming up, 
he rodo otf", and left mo standing motionless 
as a statue, in which iiosture I was found by 
those whose appearance hatl saved my life. 
This company consisted of three men in 
livery, well armed, with an ofiicer, who (as I 
afterwards learned,) was the person from 
whom Rifle had taken the pocket pistols the 
day before ; and who, making known his mis- 
fortune to a nobleman he met on the roatl, 
and assuring him his non-resistance was 
altogether owing to his consideration for the 
ladies in the coach, procured the assistance 
of his lordship's servants'to go in quest of the 
plunderer. This holiday captain scamjiorod 
uj) to me witli groat address, and asked who 
fired the pistol which he ha<^l heard. 

As I had not yet recovered my reason, he, 
Itefore 1 could answer, observed a body lying 
on the ground, at which sight his colour 
changed, and 'he pronounced, with a faltering 
tongue, ' Gentlemen, here's murder com- 
mitted ! Let us alight.' ' No, no,' said one 
of his followers, ' let us rather pursue the 
murderer. Which way went he, young 
man ?' 

By this time I had recollected myself so far 
as to tell them that ho conld not be a quarter 
of a mile before ; and to beg one of them to 
assist me in convoying the corpse of my friend 
to the next house, in order to its being in- 
terred. The captain, foreseeing that, in case 
he should pursue, he must soon come to ac- 
tion, began to curb his horse, and gave him 
the spur at the same time, which treatment 
making the creature rear up and snort, he 
called out, his horse was frightened, and 
would not proceed ; at the same time wheel- 
ing him round and round, stroking his neck, 
whistling and wheedling him with ' Sirrah, 



sirrah — gently, gently,' <fec. ' Z — ds ! ' cried 
one of the servants, ' sure my lord's Sorrel 
is not resty !' 

With these words he bestowed a lash on 
his buttocks, and Sorrol, disdaining the rein, 
sprang forward with the captain at a pace 
that would have soon brought him up with 
the robber, had not the girth (happily for him) 
given way, by which means he landed in the 
dirt; and two of his attendants continued 
their pursuit, without minding his situation. 
Meanwhile one of the three who remained at 
my desire, turning the body of Strap, in order 
to see the wound which had killed him, found 
him still warm and breathing : upon which I 
immediately let him blood, and saw him, with 
inexpressible joy, recover ; ho having received 
no other wound than what his fear had in- 
flicted. Having rai.'sed him upon his legs, we 
walked together to an inn, about half a mile 
from the place, where Strap, who was not 
quite recovered, went to bed ; and in a little 
time the thicd servant returned with the cap- 
tain's horse and furniture, leaving him to 
crawl after as well as he could. 

This gentleman of the sword, upon his 
arrival, complained grievou.sly of the bruiso 
occasioned by his fall ; and, on the recom- 
mendation of the servant, who warranted my 
ability, I was employed to bleed him, for 
which service ho rewarded mo with half-a- 
crown. 

The time between this event and dinner I 
passed in observing a game at cards between 
two farmers, an exciseman, and a young 
fellow in a rusty gown and cassock, who, as 
I afterwards understood, was curate of a 
neighbouring parish. It was easy to per- 
ceive that the match was not equal ; and that 
the two farmers, who were partners, had to 
do with a couple of shar]iers, who stripped 
them of all their cash in a very short time, 
liut what surprised mo very much, was to 
hear this clergj'man reply to one of the coun- 
trymen, who seemed to suspect foul play, in 
these words : * D — n me, friend, d'ye question 
my honour ?' 

I did not at all wonder to find a cheat in 
canonicals, this being a character frequent in 
my own country ; but I was scandalised at 
the indecency of his behaviour, which ap- 
peared in the oaths he swore, and the bawdy 
songs which ho sung. At last, tomakeamends, 
in some sort, for the damage he had done to 
the unwary boors, ho puUed out a fiddle from 
the lining of his gown, and, promising to 
treat them at dinner, began to play most me- 
lodiously, singing in concert all the while. 
This good humour of this parson inspired the 
company with so much glee that the farmers 
soon forgot their losses, and all present went 
to dancing in the yard. 

While we were agreeably amused in this 
manner, our musician, spying a horseman 
riding towards the inn, stopped all of a sud- 
den, crying out, ' Gad so ! gentlemen, I beg 
your pardon, there's ojir dog of a doctor 



20 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



coming into the inn.' Ho immediately con- 
cealed his instrument, and ran towards the 
gate, where he took hold of the vicar's bridle, 
and helped him off, inquiring very cordially 
into the state of his health. 

This rosy son of the church, Avho might be 
about the age of fifty, having aUghted and 
entrusted the curate with his horse, stalked, 
with great solemnity, into the kitchen, where, 
sitting down by the fire, he called for a bottle 
of ale and a pipe ; scarce deigning an answer 
to the submissive questions of those who in- 
quired about the welfare of his family. "VVhile 
he indulged himself in this state, amidst a 
profound silence, the curate, approaching him 
with great reverence, asked him if he would 
not be pleased to honour us with his company 
at dinner ? To which interrogation he an- 
swered in the negative, saying, he had been 
to visit Squire Bumpkin, who had drank him- 
self into a high fever at the last assizes ; and 
that he had, on leaving his own house, told 
Betty he should dine at home. Accordingly, 
when he had made an end of his bottle and 
pipe, he rose, and moved with prelatical dig- 
nity to the door, where his journeyman stood 
ready Avith his nag. He had no sooner mounted 
than the facetious curate, coming into the 
kitchen, held forth in this manner : ' There 
the old rascal goes, and the d — 1 go with him. 
You sec how the world wags, gentlemen. 
By gad, this rogue of a vicar does not deserve 
to live : and yet ho has two livings worth four 
hundred pounds 2'C/' annum, while poor I am 
lain to do all his drudgery, and ride twenty 
miles every Sunday to preach — for what ? 
why, truly, for twenty pounds a year. I 
scorn to boast of my own qualifications, but 
— comparisons are odious. I should be glad 
to know how this swag-bollied doctor deserves 
to be more at ease than me. He can loll in 
liis elbow chair at homo, indulge himself in 
the best of victuals and wine, and enjoy the 
conversation of Betty, his housekeeper. You 
understand me, gentlemen. Betty is the 
doctor's poor kinswoman, and a pretty girl 
she is ; but no matter for that ; ay, and a 
dutiful girl to her parents, whom she visits 
regularly every year, though I must o\vn I 
could never learn in what county thoy live. 
My service t'ye, gentlemen.' 

By this time dinner being ready, I waked 
my companion, and we ate altogether with 
preat cheerfulness. When our meal was 
ended, and every man's share of the reckon- 
ing adjusted, the curate went out on pre- 
ience of some necessary occasion, and, mount- 
ing his horse, left the two farmers to satisfy 
the host in the best manner they could. We 
were no sooner informed of this piece of 
finesse, than the exciseman, who had been 
silent hitherto, began to open with a mali- 
cious grin : ' Ay, ay, this is an old trick of 
Shuffle; I could not help smiling when he 
talked of treating. You must know, this is a 
very curious fcUow. He picked up some 
scraps of learning wliile he served young 



Lord Trifle at the university. But what he 
most excels in is pimping. No man knows 
his talents better than I, for I was valet-de- 
chambre to Squire Tattle, an iiitimatc com- 
panion of Shuffle's lord. He got himself into 
a scrape by pawning some of his lordship's 
clothes, on which account he was turned 
away ; but, as he was acquainted with some 
particular circumstances of my lord's con- 
duct, he did not care to exasperate him too 
much, and so made interest for his receiving 
orders, and afterwards recommended him to 
the curacy which he now enjoys. However, 
the fellow cannot be too much admired for 
his dexterity in making a comfortable liveli- 
hood, in spite of such a small allowance. 
You hear he plays a good stick, and is really 
diverting company ; these ciualifications make 
him agreeable wherever he goes ; and, as for 
playing at cards, there is not a man within 
three counties a match for him. The truth 
is, he is a d — able cheat, and can shift a card 
with such address that it is impossible to dis- 
cover him.' 

Hero he was interrupted by one of the far- 
mers, who asked, why he had not justice 
enough to acquaint them with these particu- 
lars before they engaged in play. The excise- 
man' replied, without any hesitation, that it 
was none of his business to intermeddle be- 
tween man and man ; besides, he did not 
know they were ignorant of Shuffle's charac- 
ter, which Wiis notorious to the whole coun- 
try. This did not satisfy the other, who 
taxed him with abetting and assisting the 
curates kjiavery, and insisted on luiving his 
share of the winnings returned ; this demand 
the exciseman as positively refused, affirming 
that, whatever sleights Shuffle might i)rac- 
tise on other occasions, he was very certain 
that he had played on the square with them, 
and would answer it before any bench in 
Christendom ; so saying, he got up, and, 
having paid his reckoning, sneaked off. 

The Landlord, thrusting his neck into tho 
passage to see if he was gone, shook his 
head, saying, ' Ah ! Lord help us ! if every 
sinner was to have his fleserts. Well, we 
victuallers must not disoblige the excisemen. 
But I know what ; if parson Shuffle and he 
were weighed together, a straw thrown into 
either scale would make the balance kick the 
beam. But, masters, this is under tho rose,' 
continued Boniface, with a whisper. 

CHAPTER X. 

Tlie Highwayman is fal-cn — ice are detained as 
Eindence against him — proceed fo the next 
village — he escapes — v:e arrive at anotlier 
Inn, where we go to Bed — in tlie Night we 
are awaked by a dreadful Adventure — 
next night we lodge at the House of a School- 
master — our Treatment there. 

STRAP and I were about to depart on our 
journey, when we perceived a crowd on 
the roftd cociing towards us, shouting and hal-. 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



21 



looin^ all tho -way. As it approached, we 
could discern a man on horseback in the mid- 
dle, with his hands tied behind him, whom we 
soon knew to be Kifle. The highwayman, 
not being so well mounted as the two ser- 
vants who went in pursuit of him, was soon 
overtaken, and, after having discharged his 
pistols, made prisonTjr without any further 
opposition. They were carrying him in tri- 
umph, amidst the acclamations of the country 
people, to a justice of peace in a neighbour- 
ing village, but stopped at our inn to joiu 
their companion and take refreshment. 

When Kifle was dismounted and placed in 
the yard, within a circle of peasants, armed 
with pitchforks, I was amazed to see what a 
pitiful dejected fellow he now appeared, who 
had but a few hours before tilled mo with such 
terror and confusion. My companion was so 
much encouraged by this alteration in his 
appearance that, going up to the thief, ho 
presented his clenched fists to his nose, ajid 
declared he would either cudgel or box with 
tho prisoner lor a guinea, which he imme- 
diately produced, and began to strip, but 
was dissuaded from this adventure by mo, 
who rei)resented to him tho folly of tho under- 
taking, as Riflo was novr in the hands of 
justice, which would, no doubt, give us all 
satisfaction enough. 

But what made mo repent of our imperti- 
nent curiossity was our being detained by tho 
captors, as evidence against him, when we 
were just going to sot forward. However, 
there was no remedy ; wo were obliged to 
comply, and accordingly joined in the caval- 
cade, which luckily took the same road that 
we had proposed to follow. About the twi- 
light we arrived at the place of our destina- 
tion, but as the justice was gone to visit a 
gentleman in the country, with whom (wo 
understood) he would probably stay all night, 
tho robber was confined in an empty garret, 
three stories high, from which it seemed im- 
possible for him to escape ; this, nevertheless, 
was the case ; for next morning, when they 
wont up stairs to bring him before tho jus- 
tice, the bird was flown, having got out at 
the window upon the roof, from whence he 
continued his route along tho tops of the ad- 
joining houses, and entered another garret 
window, where ho skulked until the family 
were asleep, at which time ho ventured down 
stairs, and let himself out by the street-door, 
which was found open. 

This event was a great disappointment to 
those that apprehended him, who were flushed 
witli hopes of the reward ; but gave me great 
joy, as I was permitted now to continue my 
journey, without any further molestation. 
Resolving to make up for the small progress 
we had hitherto made, we this day travelled 
with groat vigour, and before night reached a 
market to\ra, twenty miles from the place 
from whence we set out in the morning, with- 
out meeting any adventure worth notice. 
Here, having taken up our lodging at an inn, 



I found myself so fatigued that I began to 
despair of performing our journey on foot, 
and desired Strap to inquire if there Avcre any 
waggon, return h irses, or any cheap carriage 
in this place, to depart for London next day. 
He was informed that tho waggon from New- 
castle to London had halted there two nights 
ago, and that it would be an easy matter to 
overtake it, if not the next day, at farthest, 
the day after the next. 

This piece of news gave us some satisfac- 
tion ; and, after having made a hearty supper 
on hashed mutton, wo were shown to our 
room, which contained two beds, the one 
allotted for us, and the other for a very honest 
gentleman, who, we were told, was then drink- 
ing below. Though we could have very well 
dispensed with his company, wo were glad to 
submit to this disposition, as there was uoti 
another bed empty in tho house ; and accor- 
dingly went to rest, after having secured our 
baggage under tho bolster. About two or 
three o'clock in tho morning I wns awaked 
out of a very profound sleep by a dreadful 
noise in the chamber, which did not fail to 
throw me into an agony of consternation, 
when I heard these words pronounced with a 
terrible voice : ' Blood and wounds ! run tho 
halbort into the guts of him that's next you, 
and I'll blow the other's brains out presently.' 
This dreadful salutation had no sooner 
re:vched the ears of Strap than, starting out 
of bed, ho ran against somebody in the dark, 
and overturned him in an instant ; at tho 
same time bawling out, ' Fire ! murder ! fire ! ' 
a cry which in a moment alarmed tiie whole 
house, and filled our chamber with a crowd of 
naked people. When lights were brought, 
the occasion of all this disturbance soon ap- 
peared ; which was no other than a fellow 
lodger, whom we found lying on the floor, 
scratching his head, with a look testifying 
the utmost astonislunent at the concourse of 
ajjparitions that surrounded him. 

This honest gentleman was, it seems, a re- 
cruiting sergeant, who, having listed two 
country fellows over night, dreamed they had 
mutinied, and threatened to murder him and 
the drummer who was along vaih him. This 
made such an impression on his imagination, 
that he got up m his sleep and expressed him- 
self as above. When our apprehension of 
danger vanished, the company bclield one 
another with great sur])rise and mirth ; but 
what attracted tho notice of every one was 
our landlady, with nothing on her but her 
shift and a large pair of buckskin breeches, 
with the backside before, which she had 
slipped on in the hurry, and her husband with 
her petticoat about his shoulders: one had 
wrapped himself in a blanket, another was 
covered with a sheet, and the drummer, who 
had given his only shii-t to be washed, ap- 
peared in cue/-j>o, \\-ith the bolster rolled about 
his middle. 

WTien this affair was discussed, everybody 
retired to his own apartment ; the sergeant 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



slipped into bed, and my companion and I 
slept without any further disturbance till 
morning, when we got up, went to breakfast, 
paid our reckoning, and set forward in expec- 
tation of overtaking the waggon ; in which 
hope, however, we were disappointed for that 
day. As we exerted ourselves more than 
usual, I found myself quite spent with fa- 
tigue, when we entered a small village in the 
twilight. We inquired for a pubKc-house, 
and were directed to one of a very sorry ap- 
pearance. At our entrance the landlord, who 
seemed to be a venerable old man, with long 
gray hair, rose from a table placed by a large 
fire in a very neat paved kitchen, and with a 
cheerful countenance accosted us in these 
words : ' Salvete, j^ueri — ingredimini.' I was 
not a little pleased to hear our host speak 
Latin, because I was in hope of recommend- 
ing myself to him by my knowledge in that 
language ; I therefore answered, without hesi- 
tation, ^Dissolve frig us, ligna super foco — large 
reponens.' I had no sooner pronounced these 
words, than the old gentleman, running to- 
wards me, shook me by the hand, crying, 
' Fili mi dileciissime! unde venis? — a superis, 
ni fallor ? ' In short, finding we were both 
read in the classics, he did not know how to 
testify his regard enough ; but ordered his 
daughter, a jolly rosy-cheeked damsel who 
was his sole domestic, to bring us a bottle of 
his quadrimuni; repeating from Horace at 
the same time, ' Deprome quadnmum sahina, 
Thaliarche, merum diota.' This quadrirmim 
was excellent ale of his own brewing, of which 
he told us he had always an nmpliora four 
years old, for the use of himself and friends. 

In the course of our conversation, which 
was interlarded with scraps of Latin, we un- 
derstood that this facetious person was a 
schoolmaster, whose income being small, ho 
was fain to keep a glass of good liquor for 
the entertainment of passengers, by which ho 
made shift to make the two ends of the year 
meet. ' I am this day,' said he, ' the happiest 
old fellow in his majesty's dominions. My 
wife, rest her soul, is in heaven. My daughter 
is to be married next week ; but the two chief 
pleasures of my life are these (pointing to the 
bottle and a largo edition of Horace that lay 
on the table). I am old, 'tis true — what then? 
the more reason I should enjoy the small 
share of . life that remains, as my friend 
Flaccus advises : ' Tu ne quaisieris (scire nefasj 
q\icm onihi, quern tibi finem dii dedennt. 
Carpe diem, quam minimum credula posfero.' 
As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, 
we made no scrui)lo of acquainting him with 
our situation, which when he had learned, he 
enriched us with advices how to behave in 
the world, telling us that he was no stranger 
to the deceits of mankind. In the meantime 
he ordered his daughter to lay a fowl to the 
fire for supper, for he was resolved this night 
to ri^gale his friends — permittens divis ccetera. 
Wliile our entertainment was preparing, oiir 
host recounted the adventures of his o^vn life. 



which, as they contained nothing remarkable, 
I forbear to rehearse. When we had fared 
sumptuously, and dru^k several bottles of his 
quadrimum, I expressed a desire of going to 
rest, which was with some difficulty complied 
with, after he had informed us that we should 
overtake the waggon by noon next day ; and 
that there was room enough in it for half-a- 
dozen, for there were only four passengers as 
yet in that convenience. 

Before my comrade and I fell asleep, we had 
some conversation about the good humour of 
our landlord, which gave Strap such an idea 
of his benevolence, that he positively be- 
lieved we should pay nothing for our lodging 
and entertainment. ' Don't you observe,' 
said he, ' that he has conceived a particu- 
lar affection for us — nay, even treated us 
at supper with extraordinary fare, which, 
to be sure, we should not of ourselves have 
called for ? ' 

I was partly of Strap's opinion ; but the 
experience I had of the world made me sus- 
pend my belief till the morning, when, getting 
up betimes, we breakfasted with our host and 
his daughter on hasty-pudding and ale, and 
desired to know what we had to pay. ' Biddy 
will let you know, gentlemen,' said he ; ' for I 
never mind these matters. Money matters 
are beneath the concern of one who lives upon 
the Horatian plan — Crescentum sequitur cura 
2)ccuniam.' Meanwhile, Biddy, having con- 
sulted a slate that hung in the corner, told us 
our reckoning came to 8s. 7t7. ' Eight shil- 
lings and seven pence ! ' cried Strap, ' 'tis 
impossible! you must be mistaken, young 
woman.' ' Reckon again, child,' says her 
father, very deliberately ; ' perhaps you have 
miscounted.' ' No, indeed, father,' replied she, 
' I know my business better.' I could contain 
my indignation no longer, but said it was 
an unconscionable bill, and demanded to know 
the particulars ; upon which the old man got 
up, muttering, ' Ay, ay, let ns see the parti- 
culars — that's but reasonable.' And, taking 
pen, ink, uud paper, -ttTToto the following 
items : 

To bread and beer . . .06 
To a fowl and sausages . .26 
To four bottles of quadmn. . 2 
To fire and tobacco . . .07 
To lodging . . , .20 
To breakfast . . . .10 

8 7 



As he had not the appearance of a common 
publican, and had raised a sort of veneration 
in me by his demeanour the preceding night, 
it was not in my power to upbraid him as he 
deseiwed ; therefore, I contented myself with 
saying I was sure he did not learn to be an 
extortioner from Horace. He answered, I 
was but a young man and did not know the 
world, or I would not tax him with extor- 
tion, whose only aim was to live coiitentus 
parvo, and keep off importuna pauperies. 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



23 



My fellow traveller could not so easily put 
■up with this imposition ; but swore he 
should either take one-third of the money or 
go without. 

While we were engaged in this dispute, I 
perceived the daughter go out, and, conjectu- 
ring the occasion, immediately paid the exor- 
bitant demand, which was no sooner done 
than Biddy returned with two stout fellows, 
who came in on pretence of taking their 
morning draught, but in reality to frighten 
us into compliance. Just as we departed. 
Strap, who was half- distracted ou account of 
this piece of expense, went up to the school- 
master, and, grinning in his face, pronounced 
with great emphasis — ' Semper avarus eget.' 
To which the pedant replied, with a mali- 
cious smile — ^ Animam rege, qui, nisi jparet, 
imperat.' 

CHAPTER XI. 

We descry the Waggon — get into it — arrive at 
an Inn — our Fellow Travellers described — 
a Mistake is committed by Strap, which 
Xrroduces strange Things. 

WE travelled half-a-mile without exchang- 
ing one word ; my thoughts being en- 
grossed by the knavery of the world, to which 
I must be daily exposed, and the contempla- 
tion of my finances, which began sensibly to 
diminish. At length. Strap, who could hold 
no longer, adressed me thus : ' Well, fools and 
their money are soon parted. If my advice 
had been taken, that old skin-flint should have 
been d — n'd before ho had got more than the 
third of his demand. 'Tis a sure sign you 
came easily by your money, when you squan- 
der it away in this manner. Ah ! God help 
you, how many bristly beards must I have 
mowed before I earned four shillings and 
threepence-halfpenny, which is all thrown to 
the dogs I How many days have I sat weav- 
ing hair till my toes were numbed by the 
cold, my fingers cramped, and my nose as 
blue as the sign of the periwig that hung 
over the door! What the devil was you 
afraid of? I would have engaged to box 
with any one of those fellows who came in 
for a guinea — I'm sure I have beat stouter 
men than either of them.' And, indeed, ray 
companion would have fought anybody when 
his life was in no danger ; but he had a mortal 
aversion to fire-arms and all instruments of 
death. In order to appease him, I assured 
him no part of this extraordinary expense 
should fall upon his shoulders; at which 
declaration he was affronted, and told me he 
would have me to know that, although he 
was a poor barber's boy, j^et ho had a soid 
to spend his money with the best squire of 
the land. 

Having walked all day at a great pace, 
without halting for a refreshment, we de- 
scried, toward the evening, to our inexpres- 
sible joy, the waggon about a quarter of a 



mile before us ; and, by that time we reached 
it, were both of us so weary that I verily 
believe it would have been impracticable for 
us to have walked one mile farther. We, 
therefore, bargained with the driver, whose 
name was Joey, to give us a cast to the next 
stage for a shilling ; at which place we should 
meet the master of the waggon, with whom 
we might agree for the rest of the journey, 

Accordingly the convenience stopped, and 
Joey having placed the ladder. Strap (being 
loaded with our baggage) mounted fii-st ; but, 
just as he was getting in, a tremendous voice 
assailed his ears in these words : ' God's fury ! 
there shall no passengers come here.' 'Ihe 
poor shaver was so disconcerted at this ex- 
clamation, which both he and I imagined 
Ijroceeded from the mouth of a giant, that 
ho descended with great velocity and a coun- 
tenance as white as paper. Joey, perceiving 
our astonishment, called, with an arch sneer, 
'Waunds, coptain, whay woant yau sootier 
the poorwaggoneer to meake a penny ? Coom, 
coom, young man, get oop, get oop, never 
moind the coptain ; I'se not afeard of the 
coptain.' 

This was not encouragement sufSciout to 
Strap, who could not be prevailed upon to 
venture up again ; upon which I attempted, 
though not without a quaking heart, wJien I 
heard the same voice muttering, Idco distant 
thiinder — 'Hell and the devil confound mo, 
if I don't make you smart for this !' How- 
ever, I crept in, and by accident got an empty 
place in the straw, which I immediately took 
possession of, without being able to discern 
the faces of my fellow-travellers in the dark. 
Strap following, with the knapsack on his 
back, chanced to take the other side, and, by 
a jolt of the carriage, pitched directly upon 
the stomach of the captain, who bellowed 
out, in a most dreailful manner, ' Blood and 
thunder ! where's my sword ?' At these 
words my frighted comrade started up, and, 
at one spring, bounced against me with such 
force that I thought he was the supposed son 
of Anak, who intended to press mo to death. 
In the meantime a female voice cried, ' Bless 
me ! what is the matter, my dear r' ' The 
matter,' replied the captain ! ' d — n my blood ! 
my guts are squeezed into a pancake by that 
Scotchman's hump.' Strap, trembling all the 
while ab my back, asked him pardon, and laid 
the blame of what had happened upon the 
jolting of the waggon ; and the woman who 
spoke before went on : ' Ay, ay, my dear, it 
is our own fault; we may thank ourselves 
for all the inconveniences we meet with. I 
thank God I never travelled so before. I am 
sure if my lady or Sir .John were to know 
where we are they would not sleep this night 
for vexation. I wish to God we had writ for 
the chariot ; I know we shaU never be for- 
given.' ' Come, come, my dear,' replied the 
captain, 'it don't signify frettuig now; we 
shall laugh it over as a frolic; I hope you 
will not suffer in your health. I shall make 



24 



Roderick: random. 



my lord very merry with our adventures in 
the diligence.' 

This discourse gave me such a high notion 
of the captain and his lady that I durst not 
venture to join in the conversation ; but im- 
mediately after another female voice began : 
' Some people give themselves a great many 
needless airs ; better folks than any here 
have travelled in waggons before now. Some 
of us have rode in coaches and chariots, with 
three footmen behind them, w ithout making 
so much fuss about it. What then ? We are 
now all upon a footing ; therefore let us be 
sociable and merry. What do you say, Isaac ? 
Is not this a good motion, you doting rogue ? 
Speak, you old cent i:ier cent fornicator ? 
What desperate debt are you thinking of? 
What mortgage arc you planning ? Well, 
Isaac, positively you shall never gain my 
favour till you turn over a new leaf, grow 
honest, and live like a gentleman. In the 
meantime give me a kiss, you old fumbler.' 
These woi'ds, accompanied with a hearty 
smack, enlivened the person to whom they 
were addressed to such a degree that he cried, 
in ti'ansport, though with a faltering voice, 
' Ah ! you wanton baggage — upon my credit, 
you are a waggish girl — he, he, he !' This 
laugh introduced a fit of coiighing, which 
almost suffocated the poor usurer (such we 
afterwards found was the profession of this 
our fellow-traveller). 

About this time I fell asleep, and enjoyed 
a comfortable nap till such time as we arrived 
at the inn where we put up. Here, having 
alighted from the waggon, I had an oppor- 
tunity of viewing the passengers in order as 
they entered. The first who appeared was a 
brisk, airy girl, about twenty years old, Avith 
a silver-laced hat on her head instead of a 
cap, a blue stuff riding-suit, trimmed Avith 
silver veiw much tarnished, and a whip in her 
hand. After her came, limping, an old man, 
with a worsted nightcap buttoned imder his 
chin, and a broad-brimmed hat slouched over 
it, an old rusty blue cloak tied about his neck, 
under which appeared a brown surtout, that 
covered a threiKlbare coat atid waistcoat, and, 
as he afterwards discerned, a dirty fiiannel 
jacket. His eyes were hollow, bleared, and 
gummy ; his face was shrivelled into a thou- 
sand wrinkles, his gums were destitute of 
teeth, his nose sharp and drooping, his chin 
peaked and prominent, so that, when he 
mumped or spoke, they approached one 
another like a pair of nutcrackers : he sup- 
ported himself on an ivory-headed cane, and 
his whole figure was a just emblem of winter, 
famine, and avarice. But how was I surprised, 
when I beheld the formidable captain in the 
shape of a little thin creature, about the age 
of forty, with a long withered visage, very 
much resembling that of a baboon, through 
the upper part of which two little gray eyes 
peeped : he wore his own hair in a queue 
that reached to his rump, which immoderate 
length, I suppose, was the occasion of a bald- 



ness that appeared on the crown of his head 
when he deigned to take off his hat, which 
was very much of the size and cock of 
Pistol's. 

Having laid aside his great-coat, I could 
not help admiring the extraordinary make 
of this man of war : he was about five 
feet and three inches high, sixteen inches of 
which went to his face and long scraggy 
neck : his thighs were about six inches in 
length, his legs resembling spindles or drum- 
sticks, two feet and a half, and his body, 
which put me in mind of extension without 
substance, engrossed the remainder : so that 
on the whole, he appeared like a spider or 
grasshopper erect, and was almost a vox et 
prcetcrea nihil. His dress consisted of a frock 
of what is called bearskin, the skirts of which 
were about half a foot long, an hussar waist- 
coat, scarlet breeches reaching half way down, 
his thighs, worsted stockings rolled up almost 
to his groin, and shoes with wooden heels at 
least two inches high ; he carried a sword 
very near as long as himself in one hand, and 
with the other conducted his lady, who 
seemed to be a woman of his own age, and 
still retained some remains of an agreeable 
person, but so ridiculously affected, that, had 
I not been a novice in the Avorld, I might 
have easily perceived in her the deplorable 
vanity and second-hand airs of a lady's 
woman. 

We were all assembled in the kitchen, 
when Captain Weazel (for that was his name) 
desired a room with a fire for himself and 
spouse, and told the landlord they would sup 
by themselves. The innkeeper replied that he 
could not aS'ord them a room by themselves ; 
and as for supping, he had prepared victuals 
for the passengers in the waggon, without 
respect of persons, but if he could prevail on 
the rest to let him have his choice in a 
separate manner, he should be very well 
pleased. This was no .sooner said than all of 
us declared against the proposal, and Miss 
Jenny (our other female passenger) observed 
that, if Captain AVeazel and his lady had a 
mind to sup by themselves, they might wait 
until wo should have done. At this hint the 
captain put on a martial frown, and looked 
very big, without speaking ; while his yoke- 
follow, with a disdainful toss of her nose, 
muttered something about ' Creature ! ' which 
Miss Jenny overhearing, stepped up to her, 
saying, 'None of j^our names, good Mrs. 
Abigail. Creature, quotha— I'll assure you — 
no such creature as you neither — no ten- 
pound sneaker — no quality-conpler.' Hero 
the captain interposed, with a ' D — e, madam, 
what do you mean by that ? ' ' D — n you, sir, 
who are you?' replied Miss Jenny, 'who 
made you a captain, you pitiful, trencher- 
scraping, pimping curler ? 'Sdeath ! the army 
is come to a fine pass, when such fellows as 
you get commissions. What, I suxjpose you 
think I don't know you ? Egad, you and 
your helpmate are well met — a cast-off 



mistress and a baJd valet-de-chambre are well 
yoked together.' ' Blood and wounds ! ' cried 
Weazel, ' d'ye question the honour of my 
wife, madam ? Hell and d — tion ! No man 
in England durst say so much — I would flay 
him, carbonado him ! Fury and destruction I 
I would have his liver for my supper.' So 
saying, he drew his sword and flourished with 
it, to the great terror of Strap ; Avhile Miss 
Jenny, snapping her fingers, told him she did 
not value his resentment a louse. 

In the midst of this quarrel the master of 
the waggon alighted, who, understanding the 
cause of the disturbance, and fearing the 
captain and his lady would take umbrage and 
leave his carriage, was at great pains to have 
everything made up, which he at last accom- 
plished, and we sat down to supper altogether. 
At bedtime we were shown to our apari^- 
ments; the old usurer. Strap, and I, to one 
room ; the captain, his wife, and Miss Jenny, 
to another. About midnight, my companion's 
bowels being disordered, he got up, in order 
to go backward ; but in his return, mistaking 
one door for another, entered Weazel's 
chamber, and without any hesitation went 
to bed to his wife, who Avas fast asleep, the 
captain being at another end of the room, 
groping for some empty vessel, in lieu of 
his own chamberpot, which was leaky : as he 
did not perceive Strap coming in, he went 
towards his own bed, after having found a 
convenience ; but no sooner did he feel a 
rough head, covered with a cotton nightcap, 
than it came into his mind that he had mis- 
taken Miss Jenny's bed instead of his owti, 
and that the head he felt was that of some 
gallant, with whom she had made an assig- 
nation. Full of his conjecture, and scan- 
dalised at the prostitution of his apartment, 
he snatched up tlie vessel ho had just before 
filled, and emptied it at once on the asto- 
nished barber and his own wife, who waking 
at that instant, broke forth into lamentable 
cries, which not only alarmed the husband 
beyond measure, but frighted poor Strap 
almost out of his senses ; for ho verily be- 
lieved himself bewitched, especially when 
the incensed captain seized him by the throat, 
with a volley of oaths, asking him how he 
durst have the presumption to attempt the 
chastity of his wife. Poor Strap was so 
amazed and confounded, that he could .say 
nothing but — ' I take God to witness she's a 
virgin for me.' 

Mrs. Weazel, enraged to find herself in 
such a pickle through the precipitation of 
her husband, arose in her shift, and with the 
heel of her shoe, which she found by the bed- 
side, belaboured the captain's bald pate -till 
he roared ' Murder.' ' I'll teach you to 
empty your stinkpots on me,' cried she, ' you 
pitiful hop-o'-my-thumb coxcomb. What, I 
warrant you're jealous, j'ou man of lath. Was 
it for this I condescended to take you to my 
bed, you poor, withered, sapless twig ? ' 



The noise occasioned by this adventure 
had brought the master of the waggon and 
me to the door, where we overheard all that 
passed with great satisfaction. In the mean- 
time we were alarmed with the cry of ' Eape ! 
Murder ! Kape ! ' which Miss Jenny pro- 
nounced with great vociferation. ' Oh ! you 
vile abominable old villain,' said she, 'would 
you rob me of my virtue ? But I'll be re- 
venged of you, you old goat ! I will i Help ! 
for heaven's sake ! help ! I shall be ravished ! 
ruined ! help ! ' Some servants of the inn, 
hearing this cry, came running upstairs with 
lights, and such weapons as chance afforded ; 
when we beheld a very diverting scene. lu 
one corner stood the poor captain shivering 
in his shirt, which was all torn to rags ; with 
a woful visage, scratched all over by his wife, 
who had by this time wrapt the counterpane 
about her, and sat sobbing on the side of her 
bed. At the other end lay the old usurer, 
sprawling on Miss Jenny's bed, with his 
flannel jacket over his shirt, and his tawny 
meagre limbs exposed to the air ; while she 
held him fast by the two ears, and loaded 
him with execrations. When ho asked what 
was the matter, she affected to weep, told us 
she was afraid that wicked rogue had ruined 
her in her sleep, and bade us take notice of 
what we saw, for she intended to make use 
of our evidence against him. The poor wretch 
looked like one more dead than alive, and 
begged to be released ; a favour which ho 
had no sooner obtained than he protested she 
was no woman, but a devil incarnate — that 
she had first seduced his flesh to rebel, and 
then betrayed him. ' Yes, cockatrice,' con- 
tinued he, ' you know you laid this snare for 
me— but you shan't succeed — for I will hang 
myself before you shall get a farthing of me.' 
So saying, he crawled to his own bed, gi-oan- 
ing all the wa3^ We then advanced to the 
captain, who told us, ' Gentlemen, here has 
been a d — d mistake ; but I'll be revenged on 
him wlio was the cause of it. That Scotch- 
man who carries the knapsack shall not 
breathe this vital air another day, if my name 
be Weazel. My dear, I ask you ten thousand 
pardons ; you are sensible I could mean no 
harm to you.' ' I know not what you meant,' 
replied she, sighing, ' but I know I have got 
enough to send me to my grave.' At length 
they were reconciled. The wife was compli- 
mented with a share of Miss Jenny's bed 
(her own being overflowed), and the master 
of the waggon invited Weazel to sleep the 
remaining part of the night with him. I 
retired to mine, where I found Strap mortally 
afraid, he having stolen away in the dark 
while the captain and his lady were at 
loggerheads. 



26 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



CHAPTER XII. 



Captain Wea&el challenges Sto-ap, who declines 
the Combat— an Affair between the Captain 
and me— the Usurer is fain to give Miss 
Jenny five Guineas for a Release— loe are in_ 
Danger of losing a Meal — the Behaviour of 
Weazel, Jenny, and Joey, on that Occasion 
— an Account of Captain Weazel and his 
Lady— the Captain's Courage tried— Isaac' s 
Mirth at the Captain's Expense. 

NEXT morning I agreed to give the master 
of the waggon ten shillings for my pas- 
sage to London, provided Strap should be 
allowed to take my place when I should be 
disposed to walk. At the same time I desired 
him to appease the incensed captain, who had 
entered the kitchen with a drawn sword in 
his hand, and threatened with many oaths to 
sacrifice the villain who attempted to violate 
his bed; biit it was to no purpose for the 
master to explain the mistake, and assure 
him of the poor lad's innocence, who stood 
trembling behind me all the while : the more 
submission that appeared in Strap, the more 
implacable seemed the resentment of Weazel, 
who swore he must either fight him or he 
would instantly put him to death. I was 
extremely provoked at this insolence, and 
told him, it could not be supposed that a poor 
barber lad would engage a man of the sword 
at his own weapon ; but I was persuaded he 
would wrestle or box with him. To which 
proposal Strap immediately gave assent, by 
saying, 'ho would box with him for a guinea.' 
Weazel replied with a look of disdain, that 
it was beneath any gentleman of his cha- 
racter to fight like a porter, or even to 
put himself on a footing, in any respect, 
with such a fellow as Strap. 'Odds bodi- 
kins !' cries Joe J'', 'sure, coptain, yaw would 
not commit moorder ! Here's a poor lad that 
is willing to make atonement for his offence ; 
and an that woan't satisfie yaw, offers to fight 
yaw fairly. And yaw woan't box, I dare say, 
he will coodgel with yaw. Woan't yaw, my 
lad ?' Strap, after some hesitation, answered, 
' Yes, yes, I'll cudgel with him.' But this 
expedient being also rejected by the captain, 
I began to smell his character, and, tipping 
Strap the wink, told the captain that I had 
always heard it said, the person who receives 
a challenge should have the choice of the 
weapons; this therefore being the rule in 
point of honour, I would venture to promise 
on the head of my companion, that he would 
even fight Captain Weazel at sharps ; but it 
should be with such sharps as Strap was best 
acquainted with, namely, razors. At my men- 
tioning razors, I could perceive the captain's 
colour change, while Strap, pulling me by the 
sleeve, whispered with great eagerness : ' No, 
no, no ; for the love of God, don't make any 
such bargain.' At length, Weazel, recover- 
ing himself, turned towards me, and with a 
ferocious countenance asked, ' Who the devil 



are you ? Will you fight me ?' With those 
words, putting himself in a posture, I was 
grievously alarmed at seeing the point of a 
sword within half a foot of my breast ; and, 
springing to one side, snatched up a spit that 
stood in the chimney-corner, with which I 
kept my formidable adversary at bay, who 
made a great many half-ionges, skipping back- 
ward at every push, till at last I pinned him 
up in a corner, to the no small diversion of the 
company. While he was in this situation his 
wife entered, and, seeing her husband in these 
dangerous circumstances, uttered a dreadful 
scream : in this emergency, Weazel demanded 
a cessation, which was immediately granted ; 
and at last was contented with the submission 
of Strap, wlio, falling on his knees before him, 
protested the innocence of his intention, and 
asked pardon for the mistake he had com- 
mitted. This affair being ended without 
bloodshed, we went to breakfast, but missed 
two of our company, namely. Miss Jenny and 
the usurer. As for the first, Mrs. Weazel in- 
formed IIS, that she had kept her awake all 
night with her groans ; and that when she 
rose in the morning, Miss Jenny was so much 
indisposed that she could not proceed on her 
journey. At that instant, a message came 
from her to the master of the waggon, who 
immediately went into her chamber, followed 
by us all. She told him in a lamentable tone, 
that she Avas afraid of a miscarriage, owing 
to the fright she received last night from the 
brutality of Isaac ; and, as the event was un- 
certain, desired the usurer might be detained 
to answer for the consequence. Accordingly, 
this ancient Tarquin was found in .the waggon, 
whither he had retired to avoid the shame of 
last night's disgrace, and brought by force 
into her presence. He no sooner appeared 
than she began to weep and sigh most pite- 
onsly, and told us, if she died, she would leave 
her blood upon the head of that ravisher. 
Poor Isaac turned up his eyes and hands to 
heaven, prayed that God would deliver him 
from the machinations of that Jezebel ; and 
assured us, with tears in his eyes, that his 
being found in bed with her was the result of 
her own invitation. The waggoner, under- 
standing the case, advised Isaac to make it 
up, by giving her a sum of money : to which 
advice he replied with great vehemence, ' A 
sum of money ! — a halter for the cockatrice !' 
' Oh ! 'tis very well,' said Miss Jenny ; ' I see 
it is in vain to attempt that flinty heart of 
his by fair means. Joey, be so good as to go 
to the justice, and tell him there is a sick 
person here, who wants to see him on an affair 
of consequence.' At the name of justice Isaac 
trembled, and bidding .Joey stay, asked with 
a quavering voice, ' What she would have ?' 
She told him that, as he had not perpetrated 
his wicked purpose, she would be satisfied 
with a small matter. And though the damage 
she might sustain in her health might be irre- 
parable, she would give him a release for a 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



27 



hundred guineas. ' A hundred guineas !' cried 
he iu an ecstacy, ' a hundred furies ! Where 
should a poor old wretch like me have a hun- 
dred guineas ? If I had so much money, d'je 
think I should be found travelling in a wag- 
gon, at this season of the year ?' ' Come, 
come,' replied Jenny, ' none of your miserly 
artifice here. You think I don't know Isaac 
Eapine, the money-broker, in the Minories. 
Ah ! you old rogue ! many a pawn have you 
had of me and my acquaintance, which was 
never redeemed.' Isaac, finding it was in 
vain to disguise himself, offered twenty shil- 
lings for a discharge, which she absolutely re- 
fused under fifty pounds: at last, however, 
she was brought down to five, which he i^aid 
with great reluctancy, rather than be prose- 
cuted for a rape. After which accommodation, 
the sick person made a shift to get into the 
waggon, and we set forward in great tran- 
quillity ; Strap being accommodated with 
Joey's horse, the driver himself choosing to 
walk. The morning and forenoon we were 
entertained with an account of the valour of 
Captain Weazel, who told us he had once 
knocked down a soldier that made game of 
him ; tweaked a drawer by the nose, who 
found fault with his picking his teeth with a 
fork, at another time ; and that he had more- 
over challenged a cheesemonger, who had the 
presumiDtion to be his rival : for the truth of 
which exploits he ajipealed to his wife. She 
confirmed whatever he said, and observed, 
' The last affair happened that very day on 
which I received a love-letter from Squire 
Gobble , and don't you remember, my dear, I 
was prodigiously sick that very night with 
eating ortolans, when my Lord Diddle took 
notice of my complexion's being altered, and 
my lady was so alarmed that she had well nigh 
fainted ?' 'Yes, my dear,' replied the captain, 
' you know my lord said to me, with a sneer, 
"Billy, Mrs.Weazeliscertainly breeding." And 
I answered cavalierly, " My lord, I wish I could 
return the compliment." Upon which the 
whole company broke out into an immoderate 
fit of laughter ; and my lord, who loves a 
repartee dearly, came round and bussed me.' 
We travelled in this manner five days, with- 
out interruption or meeting anything worth 
notice : Miss Jenny, who soon recovered her 
spirits, entertaining us every day with di- 
verting songs, of which she could sing a great 
number; and rallying her own gallant, 
who, notwithstanding, would never be re- 
conciled to her. On the sixth day, while we 
were about to sit down to dinner, the inn- 
keeper came and told us, that three gentle- 
men, just arrived, had ordered the victuals to 
be carried to their apartment, although he 
had informed them that they were bespoke 
by the passengers in the waggon. To which 
information they had replied, • the passengers 
in the waggon might be d— d, their betters 
must be served before them ; they STipposed 
it would be no hardship on such travellers to 



dine iipon bread and cheese for one day.' 
This was a terrible disappointment to us all ; 
and we laid our heads together how to remedy 
it ; when Miss Jenny observed that Captain 
Weazel, being by profession a soldier, ought 
in this case to protect and prevent us trom 
being insulted. But the Captain excused 
himself, saying, he would not for all the 
world be known to have travelled in a wag- 
gon ! swearing at the same time, that could 
he appear with honour, they should eat his 
sword sooner than his provision. Upon this 
declaration, Miss Jenny, snatching his wea- 
pon, drew it, and ran immediately into the 
kitchen, where she threatened to put the 
cook to death if he did not send the victuals 
into our chamber immediately. The noise 
she made brought the three strangers down, 
one of whom no sooner perceived her than he 
cried, ' Ha ! Jenny Ramper ! what the devil 
brought thee hither ?' ' My dear Jack Rattle !' 
replied she, running into his arms, ' is it you F 
Then Weazel may go to hell for a dinner — I 
shall dine with you.' 

They consented to this proposal with a 
great deal of joy ; and we were on the point 
of being reduced to a very uncomfortable 
meal, when Joey, understanding the whole 
affair, entered the kitchen with a pitchfork 
in his hand, and swore he would be the death 
of any man who should pretend to seize the 
victuals prepared for the waggon. The me- 
nace had like to have produced fatal conse- 
quences ; the three strangers drawing their 
swords, and being joined by their servants, 
and we ranging ourselves on the side of Joey; 
when the landlord, interposing, offered to 
part with his own dinner to keep the peace, 
which was accepted by the strangers ; and 
we sat down at table without any further 
molestation. In the afternoon, I chose to 
walk along with Joey, and Strap took my 
place. Having entered into a conversation 
with this driver, I soon found him to be a 
merry, facetious, good-natured fellow, and 
withal very arch ; he informed me, that Miss 
Jenny was a common girl upon the town, who, 
falling into company with a recruiting officer, 
he carried her down in the stage coach from 
London to Newcastle, where he had been 
arrested for debt, and was now in prison; 
upon which she was fain to return to her 
former way of life, by this conveyance. He 
told me likewise, that one of the gentleman's 
servants, who were left at the inn, having 
accidentally seen Weazel, immediately knew 
him, and acquainted Joey with some particu- 
lars of his character. That he had served my 
Lord Frizzle in quality of valet-de-chambro 
many years, while he lived separate from his 
lady ; but, upon their reconciliation, she ex- 
pressly insisted upon Weazel's being turned 
off, as well as the woman he kept : when his 
lordship, to get rid of them both with a good 
grace, proposed that he should marry his 
mistress, and he would procure a commission 



28 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



for liim in tlio army : this expedient was 
agreed to, and Weazel is now, by his lord- 
ship's interest, ensign in 's regiment. I 

found he and I had the same sentiments with 
regard to Weazel's courage, which he resolved 
to put to the trial, by alarming the passengers 
with the cry of a 'highwayman!' as soon as 
a horseman should appear. 

This scheme we put in practice towards the 
dusk, when we descried a man on horseback 
approaching us. Joey had no sooner inti- 
mated to the people in the waggon, that ho 
was afraid we sliould be all robbed than a 
general consternation arose : Strap jumped 
out of the waggon, and hid himself beh'^id a 
hedge. The usurer put forth ejaculations, 
and made a rustling among the straw, which 
made us conjecture he had hid something 
under it. Mrs. Weazel, wringing her hands, 
uttered lamentable cries : and the captain, to 
our great amazement, began to snore ; but 
this artifice did not succeed ; for Miss Jenny, 
shaking him by the shoulder, bawled out, 
' 'Sdeath ! captain, is this a time to snore, 
when we are going to be robbed ? Get up, 
for shame, and behave like a soldier and man 
of honour !' Weazel pretended to be in a 
great passion for being disturbed, and swore 
he would have his nap out if all the highway- 
men in England surrounded him. ' 1) — n my 
blood ! what are you afraid of ?' continued 
he ; at the same time trembling with such 
agitation that the whole carriage shook. 
This singular piece of behaviour incensed 
Miss Ramper so much that she cried, ' D — n 
your pitiful soul, you are as arrant a poltroon 
as ever was drummed out of a regiment. 
Stop the waggon, Joey — let me get out, 
and by G — d, if I have* rhetoric enough, the 
thief shall not only take your purse, but 
your skin also.' So saying she leaped out 
witJi great agility. By this time the horse- 
man came up with lis, and happened to 
be a gentleman's servant well known to 
Joey, who communicated the scheme, and 
desired him to carry it on a little further, by 
going 1 p to the waggon, and questioning 
those wiuhin. The stranger, consenting for 
the sake of diversion, approached it, and in a 
terrible tone demanded, ' Who have we got 
here ?' Isaac replied, with a lamentable voice, 
' Here's a poor miserable sinner, who has got 
a small family to maintain, and nothing in the 
world wherewithal, but these fifteen shillings, 
which if you rob me of, we must all starve 
together.' ' Who's that sobbing in the other 
corner r' said the supposed highwayman. ' A 
poor unfortunate woman,' answered Mrs. 
Weazle, ' upon whom I beg you, for Christ's 
sake, to have compassion.' ' Are you maid or 
wife,' said he._ 'Wife, to my sorrow,' said 
she. ' Who, or where is your husband r' con- 
tinued he. 'My husband,' replied Mrs. Weazel, 
' is an oflicer in the army, and was left sick at 
the last inn where we dined.' ' You must be 
mistaken, madam,' said he, ' for I myself saw 



him get into the waggon this afternoon. But 
pray what smell is that ? Sure your lapdog 
has befouled himself ; let me catch hold of the 
nasty cur, I'll teach him better manners.' 
Here he laid hold of one of Weazel's legs, and 
l^ulled him out from xindcr his wife's petti- 
coats, where he had concealed himself. The 
poor trembling captain, being detected in his 
inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes, and 
aft'ecting to wake out of sleep, cried, ' What's 
the matter? What's the matter.?' 'The 
matter is not much,' answered the horseman ; 
' I only called in to inquire after your health, 
and so adieu, most noble captain.' So saying, 
he clapped spurs to his horse, and was out of 
sight in a moment. 

It was some time before Weazel could recol- 
lect himself, but at length reassuming the big 
look, he said, ' D — n the fellow ! why did he 
ride away before I had time to ask him how 
his lord and lady do ? Don't you remember 
Tom, my dear ?' addressing himself to his 
wife. ' Yes,' replied she, ' I think I do re- 
member something of the fellow, but you 
know I seldom converse with people of his 
station.' 'Hey-day!' cried Joey, 'do yaw 
knaw the young mon, coptain P' ' Know him,' 
said AVeazol, ' many a time has he filled a glass 
of Burgundy for me, at my Lord Trippett's 
table.' 'And what may his neame be, cop- 
tain P' said Joey. ' His name I — his name,' 
replied Weazel, ' is Tom Einser.' ' Waunds,' 
cried Joey, ' a has changed his own neame 
then ! for I'se lay a wager he was christened 
John Trotter.' This observation raised a 
laugh against the captain, wlio seemed very 
much disconcerted ; when Isaac broke silence, 
and said, ' It is no matter who or what he was, 
since he has not proved the robber we sus- 
pected, and we ought to bless God for our 
narrow escape.' 'Bless God,' said Weazel, 
' bless the devil ! for what ? Had he been a 
highwayman, I should have eaten his blood, 
body, and guts, before he had robbed me, or 
any one in this diligence.' ' Ha, ha, ha !' cried 
Miss Jenny, ' I believe you will eat all you 
kill, indeed, captain.' The usurer was so well 
pleased at the event of this adventure, that 
he could not refrain from being severe, and I 
took notice that Captain Weazel seemed to bo / 
a good Christian, for he had armed himself ' 
with patience and resignation, instead of car- > 
nal weapons; and worked out his salvation ] 
with fear and trembling. This piece of satire 
occasioned a great deal of mirth at Weazel's 
expense, who muttered a great many oaths, 
and threatened to cut Isaac's throat. The 
usurer, taking hold of this menace, said, 
' Gentlemen and ladies, I take yoii all to wit- 
ness, that my life is in danger from this bloody- 
minded officer ; I'U have him bound over to 
the peace.' This second sneer procured ano- 
ther laugh against him, and he remained 
crestfallen during the remaining part of our 
journey. 



RODERICK RANDOM^ 



20 



CHAPTER XIII. 

Btrop and I are terrified hy an Apparition — 
Strap's Conjecture — the Mystery explained 
hy Joey — we arrive at London — our Dress 
and Appearance described — ice are insulted 
in the Street— an Adventure in an Alehouse 
— ice are imposed upon hy a waggish Foot- 
man — Set to rights fcij a Tobacconist — take 
Lodgings — dive for a Dinner — an Accident 
at our Ordinary. 

WE arrived at our inn, supped, and went 
to bed ; but Strap's distemper conti- 
nuing, he "was obliged to rise in the middle of 
Lhe night, and taking the candle in his hand, 
which he had left burning for the purpose, he 
went down to the house of ofRce, whence in a 
short time he returned in a great hurry, with 
his hair standing on end, and a look betoken- 
ing horror and astonishment. Without speak- 
ing a word, he set down the light and jumped, 
into bed behind me, where he lay and trem- 
bled with great violence. When I asked liim 
what was the matter, he replied, with a broken 
accent, ' God have mercy on us ! I have seen 
the devil!' Though my prejudice was not 
quite so strong as his, I was not a little alarmed 
at this exclamation, and much more so when 
I heard the sound of bells approaching our 
chamber, and felt my bedfellow cling close to 
me, uttering these words, ' (Jhrist have mercy 
upon us ; there he comes !' At that instant a 
monstrous overgrown raven entered our cham- 
ber, with bells at his feet, and made directly 
towards our bed. As this creature is reck- 
oned in our country a common vehicle for 
the devil and witches to play their pranks in, 
I verily believed we were haunted ; and, in a 
violent fright, shrank under the bedclothes. 
, This terrible apparition leaped upon the bed, 
and after giving us several severe dabs with 
its beak through the blankets, hopped away, 
and vanished. Strap and I recommended 
ourselves to the protection of Heaven with 
great devotion, and, when we no longer 
heard the noise, ventured to peep iip and take 
breath. But we had not been long freed from 
this phantom, when another appeared, that 
had well nigh deprived us both of our senses. 
We perceived an old man enter the room, 
with a long white beard that reached to his 
middle; there was a certam wild peculiarity 
in his eyes and countenance that did not savour 
of this world ; and his dress consisted of a 
brown stuff coat, buttoned behind and at the 
wrists, with an odd-fashiojied cap of the same 
stuff upon his head. I was so amazed that I 
had not i:)ower to move n?y e.yes from such a 
ghastly object, but lay niotioidess, and saw 
him come straight up to me . when he reached 
the bed, he wrung his hands, and cried, with 
a voice that did not seem to belong to a human 
creature, ' Where is Ralph 1' ' I made no reply : 
upon which he repeated, in an accent still 
more preternatural, ' Where is Ralpho ? ' He 
had no sooner pronounced these words than I 
heard the sound of the b?lls at a distance ; 



which the apparition, having listened to, 
tripped away, and left me almost petrified 
with fear. It was a good while before I could 
recover myself so far as to speak ; and, when 
at length I turned to Strap, I found him in r„ 
fit, which, however, did not last long. Whcr. 
he came to himself, I asked his Ofjinion of 
what had happened ; and he assured mo that 
the first must certainly be the soul of some 
person damned, which appeared by the chain::, 
about his legs (for his fears had magnified the 
creature to the bigness of a horse, and the 
sound of small morice-bells to the clanking of 
massy chains). As for the old man, he took 
it to be the spirit of somebody murdered long- 
ago in this place, which had power granted 
it to torment the assassin in the shape of a 
raven, and that Ealpho was the name of the 
said murderer. Although I had not much 
faith in this interpretation, I was too much 
troubled to enjoy any sleep : and in all my 
future adventures never passed a night so ill. 
In the morning Strap imparted the whole 
affair to Joey, who, after an immoderate fit 
of laughter, explained the matter, by telling 
him that the old man was the landlord's 
father, who had been an idiot some years, and 
divei-ted himself with a tame raven, which, it 
seems, had hopi^ed away from his apartmcnfi 
in the night, and induced him to follow it to 
our chamber ; where he had inquired after it 
under the name of Ealpho. 

Nothing remarkable happened during the 
remaining part of our journey, which conti- 
nued six or seven days longer : at length wo 
entered the great city, and lodged all night at 
the inn where the waggon put up. Next 
morning all the passengers parted different 
ways, while my companion and I sallied out 
to inquire for the member of parliament, to 
whom I had a letter of recommendation from 
Mr. Crab. As we had discharged our lodging 
at the inn. Strap took up our baggage and 
marched behind me in the street with the 
knapsack on his back, as usual, so that we 
made a very whimsical appearance. I had 
dressed myselfto the greatest advantage ; that 
is, put on a clean ru filed sh irt, and my best thread 
stockings : my hair (which was of the deepest 
red) hung down uiDon my shoulders, as lank 
and straight as a pound of candles ; and the 
skirts of my coat reached to the middle of my 
leg ; my waistcoat and breeches were of the 
same piece, and cut in the same taste ; and 
my hat very much resembled a barber's basin, 
in the shallowness of the croAvni and nar- 
rowness of the brim. Strap was habited in a 
much less awkward manner : but a short 
crop-eared wig, that very much resembled 
Scrub's in the play, and the knapsack on his 
back,_added to what is called a queer phiz, 
occasioned by a long chin, a hook nose, and 
high cheekbones, rendered him, on the whole, 
a very fit subject of mirth and pleasantry. As 
he walked along. Strap, at my desire, inquired 
of a carman, whom wo mot, whereabouts 
Mr. Cringer Jived ; and was answered by a 



30 



rod:emck random. 



stcare, accompanied witli the word ' Anan ! ' 
Upon which I came np, in order to explain 
the question, bnt had the misfortune to be 
iminteliigible likewise, the carman damning 
us for a lousy Scotch guard, whipping his 
horses with a ' Gee ho ! ' which nettled me to 
the quick, and roused the indignation of Strap 
so far that, after the fellow was gone a good 
way, he told me he would fight him for a 
farthing. 

While we were deliberating upon what was 
to be done, a hackney coachman, driving 
softly along, and perceiving us standing by 
the kennel, came up close to us, and calling, 
' A coach, master !' by a dexterous manage- 
ment of the reins made his horses stumble in 
the wet, and bedaub us all over with mud. 
After which exploit he drove on, applauding 
himself with a hearty laugh, in which several 
people joined, to my great mortification ; but 
one, more compassionate than the rest, seeing 
us strangers, advised me to go into an ale- 
house, and dry myself. I thanked him for his 
advice, which I immediately complied with ; 
and, going into the house he pointed out, 
called for a pot of beer, and sat down by a 
fire in the public room, where Ave cleaned our- 
selves as well as we could. In the meantime, 
a wag, who sat in a box, smoking his pipe, 
understanding, by our dialect, that we were 
from Scotland, came up to mo. and, with a 
grave countenance, asked how long I had 
been caught. As I did not know the meaning 
of this question, I made no answer ; and he 
went on, saying it could not be a great while, 
for my tail was not yet cut ; at the same time 
taking hold of my hair, and tipping the wink 
to the rest of the company, who seemed 
highly entertained Avith his wit. I was 
incensed at this usage, but afraid of resent- 
ing it, because I happened to be in a strange 
place, and perceived the person who spoke to 
me was a brawny fellow, for whom I thought 
myself by no means a match. However, Strap, 
having either more courage or less caution, 
could not put up with the insults I suffered, 
but told him in a peremptory tone, ' Ho Avas 
an micivd felloAV for making so free Avith his 
betters.' Then the Avit going toward him, 
asked him Avhat he had got in his knapsack ? 
' Is it oatmeal or brimstone, SaAVTiey r'' said 
he, seizing him by the chin, which he shook, 
to the inexpressible diversion of all present. 
My companion, feeling himself assaulted in 
such an opprobrious manner, disengage<l him- 
self in a trice, and lent his antagonist such a 
box on the ear as made him stagger to the 
other side of the room ; and, in a moment, a 
ring was formed for the combatants. Seeing 
Strap beginning to strip, and my blood being 
heated Avith indignation, which banished all 
other thoughts, I undressed myself to the 
skin in an instant, and declared, that as the 
affront that occasioned the quarrel Avas offered 
to m»j I Avould fight it out myself; upon 
■which one or tAVO cried out, ' That's a brave 
Scotch boy ; you shall have fair play.' This 



assurance gave me fresh spirits, and, going up 
to my adversary, Avho by his pale counte- 
nance did not seem much inclined to the 
battle, I struck him so hard on the stomach, 
that he reeled over a bench, and fell to the 
ground. Then I attempted to keep him doAvn, 
in order to improve my success, according to 
the manner of my oAvn country, but was re- 
strained by the spectators, one of AA'hom en- 
deavoured to raise up my opponent, but in 
vain ; for he protested he would not fight, for 
he was not quite recovered of a late illness. 
I was very well pleased with this excuse, and 
immediately dressed myself, having acquired 
the good opinion of the company for my 
bravery, as Avell as of my comrade Strap, Avho 
shook me by the hand, and wished me joy of 
the victory. 

After having drunk our pot, and dried our 
clothes, Ave inquired of the landlord if he 
knew Mr. Cringer, the member of parliament, 
and were amazed at his replying in the nega- 
tive; for we imagined he must be altogether 
as conspicuous here as in the borough he re- 
presented ; but he told us Ave might possibly 
hear of him as Ave jiassed along. We betook 
ourselves therefore to the street, where see- 
ing a footman standing at the door, avo made 
lip to him, and asked if he knew Avhere our 
patron lived ? This member of the parti- 
coloured fraternity, survejdng us both very 
minutely, said he kncAv Mr. Cringer A-ery well, 
and bade us turn down the first street on our 
left, then turn to the right, and then to the 
left again, after Avhich perambulation we 
would observe a lane, through Avhich avc must 
pass, and at the other end Ave should find an 
alley that leads to another street, Avhere avo 
should see the sign of the Thistle and Three 
Pedlars, and there he lodged. We thanked 
him for his information, and went forAvards, 
Strap telling me, that he knew this person to 
be an honest friendly man by his countenance, 
before he opened his mouth ; in Avhich opinion 
I acquiesced, ascribing his good manners to 
the company he daily saAV in the house Avhere 
he served. 

We folloAved his directions punctually, in 
turning to the left, and to the right, and to 
the left again ; but instead of seeing a lane 
before us, found ourselves at the side of the 
river, a circumstance that perplexed us not a 
little ; and my fellow-traveller ventured to 
pronounce, that we had certainly missed our 
way. By this time Ave Avere pretty much 
fatigued Avith our walk, and not knoAving hovv- 
to proceed, I went into a small snuff-shop 
hard by, encouraged by the sign of the Higli- 
lander, where I found, to my inexpressible 
satisfaction, the shopkeeper Avas my country- 
man. Ho was no sooner informed of our 
peregrination, and the directions we had re- 
ceived from the footman, than he informed 
us we had been imposed upon, telling us, Mr. 
Cringer liA'ed in the other end of the toAvn ; 
and that it Avoidd bo to no purpose for us to 
go thither to-day, for by that time ho was 



EOBERICK RANDOM. 



31 



gone to tho House. I then asked, if he could 
recommend us to a lodging-. He readily gave 
us a line to one of his acquaintance who kept 
a chandler's shop not far from St. Martin's 
Lane; there we hired a bed-room, up two 
pair of stairs, at the rate of two shillings 
per week, so very small, that when the 
bed was let down, we were obliged to carry 
out every other piece of furniture that be- 
longed to the apartment, and use the bedstead 
by way of chairs. About dinner-time, our 
landlord asked how we proposed to live ? to 
which interrogation we answered, that we 
would be directed by him. ' Well, then,' says 
he, ' there are two ways of eating in this town 
for people of your condition — the one more 
creditable and expensive than the other : the 
first is to dine at an eating-house frequented 
by well-dressed people only ; and the other 
is called diving, practised by those who are 
either obliged or inclined to live frugally.' I 
gave him to understand that, provided the 
last was not infamous, it would suit much 
better ■with our circumstances than the other. 
' Infamous !' cried he, ' not at all ; there are 
many creditable people, rich people, ay, and 
fine people, that dive every day. I have seen 
, many a pretty gentleman with a laced waist- 
coat dine in that manner very comfortably for 
three pence halfpenny, and go afterwards to 
the coffeehouse, where he made a figure with 
the best lord in tho land ; but your own eyes 
shall bear witness — I will go along with you 
to-day and introduce you.' 

He accordingly conducted us to a certain 
lane, where stopping, he bade us observe him, 
and do as he did, and, walking a few paces, 
dived into a cellar and disappeared in an in- 
stant. I followed his example, and descending 
very successfully, found myself in the middle 
of a cook's shop, almost suffocated with tho 
steams of boiled beef, and surrounded by a 
company of hackney coachmen, chairmen, 
draymen, and a few footmen out of X'l'T'Ce or 
on board-wages ; who sat eating shin of beef, 
tripe, cow-heel, or sausages, at separate 
boards, covered with cloths which turned my 
stomach. "While I stood iq amaze, undeter- 
mined whether to sit down or walk upwards 
again. Strap, in his descent, missing one of 
the steps, tumbled headlong into this infernal 
ordinary, and overturned the cook as she 
carried a porringer of soup to one of the 
guests. In her fall, she dashed the whole 
mess against the legs of a drummer belonging 
to tho foot-guards, who happened to be in 
her way, and scalded him so miserably, that 
he started up, and danced up and down, ut- 
tering a volley of execrations that made my 
hair stand on end. 

While he entertained the company in this 
manner, with an eloquence peculiar to him- 
self, the cook got up, and after a hearty curse 
on the poor author of this mischance, who 
lay under the table with a woful countenance, 
emptied a salt-cellar in her hand, and, stripping 
down the patient's stocking, which brought 



the skin along with it, applied the contents to 
the sore. This poultice was scarce laid on, 
when the drummer, who had begun to abate 
of his exclamations, broke forth into such a 
hideous yell as made the whole company 
tremble ; then, seizing a pewter pint pot that 
stood by him, squeezed tho sides of it to- 
gether, as if it had been made of pliant lea- 
ther, grindmg his teeth at the same time with 
a most horrible grin. Guessing the cause of 
this violent transport, I bade the woman 
wash off the salt, and bathe the part with 
oil, which she did, and procured him immediate 
ease. But here another difficulty occurred, 
which was no other than the landlady's in- 
sisting on his paying for the pot he had 
rendered useless. He said, he would pay for 
nothing but what he had eaten, and bade her 
be thankful for his moderation, or else he 
would prosecute her for damages. Strap, 
foreseeing the whole aft'air would lie at his 
door, promised to satisfy the cook, and called 
for a dram of gin to treat the drummer, 
which entirely appeased him, and composed 
all animosities. After this accommodation, 
our landlord and we sat down at a board, and 
dined upon shin of beef most deliciously ; our 
reckoning amounting to twopence halfpenny 
each, bread and small beer included. 



CHAPTER XIV. 

We visit Strap' s friend — a description of liim 
— his advice — we go to Mr. Cringer's house 
— are deiued admittance — an Accident^ he- 
falls Strap — his hehavtoicr therewpon — an 
extraordinary adventure occurs,in the course 
of which I lose all my money. 

IN the afternoon my companion proposed to 
call at his friend's house, which, we were 
informed, was in the neighbourhood, whither 
we accordingly went, and were so lucky as to 
find him at home. This gentleman, who had 
come from Scotland three or four years before, 
kept a school in to-wTi, where he taught the 
Latin, French, and Italian languages ; but 
what ho chiefly professed was the pronuncia- 
tion of tho English tongue, after a method 
more speedy and uncommon than any prac- 
tised heretofore ; and, indeed, if his scholars 
spoke like their master, the latter part of his 
undertaking was certainly performed to a 
tittle : for although I could easily iinderstand 
every word of what I had heard hitherto 
since I entered England, three parts in four 
of his dialect wore as unintelligible to me as 
if he had spoken in Arabic or Irish. He was 
a middle-sized man, and stooped very much, 
though not above the age of forty ; his face 
was frightfully pitted with the small-pox, 
and his mouth extended from ear to ear. Ho 
was dressed in a nightgown of plaid, fastened 
about his middle with a sergeant's old sash, 
and a tie-periwig with a foretop three inches 
high, in the fashion of King Charles tho 
Second's reign. 



32 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



After he had received Strap, who was re- 
lated to him, very courteously, he inquired of 
him who I was ; and being informed, he took 
me by the hand, telling me he was at school 
with my father. Wlien he understood my 
situation, he assured me that he would do me 
all the service in his power, both by his ad- 
vice and otherwise ; and while he_ spoke these 
words eyed me with great attention, walking 
j-ound me several times, and muttering, ' Oh, 
dear ! oh, dear ! fat a saight is here ! ' I soon 
guessed the reason of his ejaculation, and 
said, ' I suppose, sir, you are not pleased with 
my dress.' ' Dress ! ' answered he, ' you may 
caal it fat you please in your country, but I 
vow to Gad 'tis a masquerade here. No 
Christian will admit such a figure into his 
Loose. Upon my conscience, I wonder the 
dogs did not hunt you. Did you pass through 
St. James's market ? Bless my eyesaight ! 
you look like a cousin-german of an ourang- 
outang.' I began to be a little serious at this 
discourse, and asked him, if he thought I 
should obtain entrance to-morrow at the house 
of Mr. Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended 
for an introduction into business ? ' Mr. Crin- 
ger, Mr. Cringer,' replied he, scratching his 
cheek, 'may be a very honest gentleman 
—I know nothing to the contrary ; but is 
your sole dependence upon him? Who re- 
commended you to him ? ' I pulled out Mr. 
Crab's letter, and told him the foundation of 
my hopes, at which he stared at me, and re- 
peated ' Oh dear ! Oh dear ! ' I began to con- 
ceive bad omens from this behaviour of his, 
and begged he would assist me with his ad- 
vice, which he promised to give very frankly ; 
and as a specimen, directed us to a periwig 
warehouse in the neighbourhood, in order to 
be accommodated ; laying strong injunctions 
on me not to appear before Mr. Cringer till I 
had parted with my carroty locks, which, ho 
said, were sufficient to beget an antipathy 
against me in all mankind. And as we were 
going to pursue this advice, he called me back 
and bade me be sure to deliver my letter into 
Mr. Cringer's oAvn hand. 

As we walked along. Strap triumphed 
greatly in our reception with his friend, who, 
it seems, had assured him he would in a day 
or two provide for him with some good master ; 
' and now,' says he, ' you will see how I will 
fit you with a wig. There's ne'er a barber in 
London (and that's a bold word) can palm a 
rotten caul, or a pennyweight of dead hair, 
upon me.' And, indeed, this zealous ad- 
liercnt did wrangle so long with the mer- 
chant, that he was desired twenty times to 
leave the shop, and see if he could get one 
cheaper elsewhere. At length I made choice 
of a good handsome bob, for which I paid ten 
shillings, and returned to our lodging, where 
Strap in a moment rid me of that hair which 
had given the schoolmaster so much offence. 

We got up next day betimes, having been 
informed that Mr. Cringer gave audience by 
candle-light to all his dependents, he hiiQself 



being obliged to attend the levee of my Lord 
Terrier at break of day, because his lordship 
made one at the minister's between eight and 
nine o'clock. When we came to Mr. Cringer's 
door. Strap, to give me an instance of his 
politeness, ran to the knocker, which he em- 
ployed so loud and so long, that he alarmed 
the whole street ; and a window oi^ening in 
the second story of the next house, a vessel 
was discharged upon him so successfully, 
that the poor barber was wet to the skin ; 
while I, being luckily r± som.e distance, es- 
caped the unsavoury deluge. In the mean- 
time, a footman opening the door, and seeing 
nobody in the street but us, asked, Avith a 
stern countenance, if it was I who made such 
a noise, and what I wanted. I told him I had 
business with his master, whom I desired to 
see. Upon which he slappea the door in my 
face, telling me T must learn better manners 
before I could Lave access to his master. 
Vexed at this disappointment, I turned my 
resentment against Strap, whom I sharply 
reprimanded for his presumption ; but he, 
not in the least regarding what I said, wrung 
the wet out of his periwig, and lifting up a 
large stone, flung it with such force against 
the street door of that house from whence he 
had been bedewed, that the lock giving way, 
it flew wide open, and he took to his heels, 
leaving me to follow him as I could. Lideed, 
there was no time for deliberation ; I there- 
fore pursued him with all the speed I could 
exert, until we found ourselves about the 
dawn in a street we did not know. Here, as 
we wandered along gaping about, a very de- 
cent sort of a man, passing by me, stopped of 
a suddea and took up something, which hav- 
ing examined, he turned and presented to me 
Avith these words : ' Sir, you have dropped 
half-a-crown.' I was not a little surprised at 
this instance of honesty, and told him it did 
not belong to me ; but he bade me recollect, 
and see if all my money was safe ; upon 
which I pulled out my purse, for I had bought 
one since I came to town, and, reckoning my 
money in my hand, which was now reduced 
to five guineas seven shillings and twopence, 
assured him I had k st nothing. ' Well, then,' 
says he, ' so much the better ; this is a god- 
send, and as you two were present when I 
l^icked it up, you are entitled to equal shares 
with me.' I was astonished at these words, 
and looked upon this person to be a prodigy 
of integrity, but absolutely refused to take 
any part of the sum. ' Come, gentlemen,' 
said he, ' you are too modest — I see you are 
strangers; but you shall give mc leave to 
treat you with a whet this cold raw morning.' 
I would have declined the invitation, but 
Strap whispered to me that the gentleman 
would be affronted, and I complied. ' Where 
shall we go ? ' said the stranger ; ' I am quite 
ignorant of this part of the town.' I in- 
formed him that we were in the same situa- 
tion ; upon which he proposed to go into the 
first public-house we should find open; and 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



r>3 



as we walked together, he bogan in this man- 
ner : ' I timl by your tongues you are from 
Scotland, gentlemen; my grandmother by 
the father's side was of your country, and I 
am so prepossessed in its favour, that I never 
meet a Scotchman but my heart -warms. The 
Scots are very brave people. There is scarce 
a great family in the kingdom that cannot 
boast of some exploits performed by its an- 
cestors many hundred years ago. There's your 
Douglasses, Gordons, Campbells, Hamiltons. 
We have no such ancient families here in Eng- 
land. Then you are all very well educated. I 
have known a pedlar talk in Greek and He- 
brew as well as if they had been his mother- 
tongue. And for honesty — I once had a ser- 
vant, hisname wasGregor Macgregor, I would 
have trusted him with untold gold.' 

This eulogium on my native country gained 
my affections so strongly, that I believe I 
could have gone to death to serve the author ; 
and Strap's eyes swam in tears. At length, 
as we passed through a dark narrow lane, we 
perceived a public-house, which we entered, 
and found a man sitting by the fire, smoking 
a pipe, with a pint of purl before him. Our 
new acquaintance asked us if ever we had 
drunk egg-flip ? To which question we an- 
swering in the negative, he assured us of a 
regale, and ordered a quart to be prepared, 
calling for pipes and tobacco at the same 
time. We found this composition very palate- 
able, and drank heartily; the conversation, 
Avhich was introduced by the gentleman, turn- 
ing upon the snares that young inexperienced 
people are exposed to in this metropolis. He 
described a thousand cheats that are daily 
practised upon the ignorant and unwary, and 
warned us of them with so much good nature 
and concern, that we blessed the opportunity 
which threw us in his way. After we had 
put the can about for some time, our new 
friend began to yawn, telling us he had been 
up all night with a sick person ; and proposed 
we should have recourse to some diversion to 
keep him awake. ' Suppose,' said he, ' we 
should take a hand at whist for pastime. 
But let me see ; that won't do, there's only 
three of us ; and I cannot play at any other 
game. The truth is, I seldom or never play, 
but out of complaisance, or at such a time as 
this, when I am in danger of falling asleep.' 

Although I was not much inclined to 
gaming, I felt no aversion to pass an hour 
or two at cards with a friend ; and knowing 
that Strap understood as much of the matter 
as I, made no scruple of saying, ' I wish we 
could find a fourth hand.' While we were in 
this perplexity, the person whom we found in 
the house at our entrance, overhearing our 
discourse, took the pipe from his mouth very 
gravely, and accosted us thus : ' Gentlemen, 
my pipe is out, you see,' shaking the ashes 
into the fire, ' and rather than you should be 
balked, I don't care if I take a hand with 
you for a trifle— but remember I won't play 
for anything of consequence.' We accepted 



his profTur with pleasure. Having cut for 
partners, it fell to my lot to jday with him 
against our friend and Strap, for threepence 
a game. We were so successful, that in a 
short time I was half-a-crown gainer ; when 
the gentleman whom we had met iu the street 
observing he had no luck to-day, proposed i „■ 
leave ofl", or change partners. By this tiir --i 
I was inflamed with my good fortune and tl>e 
expectation of impro^dug it, as I perceived tho 
two strangers played but indiflferently; there- 
fore I voted for giving him his revenge : and 
cutting again. Strap and I, to our mutuf.I 
satisfaction, happened to be partners. My 
good fortune attended me still, and in le?« 
than an hour we had got thirty shillings 
of their money ; for as they lost they gro '.v 
the keener, and doubled stakes every time. 
At last the inconstant goddess began to veer 
about, and we were very soon stripped of all 
our gains, and about forty shillings of our 
own money. This loss mortified me ex- 
tremely, and had a visible efiect on tho 
muscles of Strap's face, which lengthened 
apace ; but our antagonists perceiving our 
condition, kindly permitted us to retrieve 
our loss, and console ourselves with a new 
acquisition. Then my companion wisely sug- 
gested it was time to be gone ; upon which 
the person who had joined us in the house 
began to curse the cards, and muttered that 
v/e were indebted to fortune only for what 
we had got, no part of our success being 
owing to our good play. This insinuation 
nettled me so much that I challenged him to 
a game at piquet for a crown : and he was 
with difiiculty persuaded to accept the invi- 
tation. This contest ended in less than an 
hour to my inexpressible aflliction, who lost 
every shilling of my own money. Strip abso- 
lutely refusing to supply me with a sixpence. 
The gentleman at whose request we had 
come in, perceiving by my disconsolate looks 
the situation of my heart, which well nigh 
burst with grief and resentment, when the 
other stranger got up, and went away with 
my money, began in this manner : — ' I am 
truly afflicted at your bad luck, and would 
willingly repair it, were it in my power. But 
what in the name of goodness could provoke 
you to tempt your fate so long ? It is always 
a maxim ^vdth gamesters to pursue success as 
far as it will go, and to stop whenever for- 
tune shifts about. You are a young man, 
and your passions are too impetuous ; you 
must learn to govern them better. However, 
there is no experience like that which is 
bought ; you will be the better for this the 
longest day you have to live. As for the 
fellow who has got your money, I don't half 
like him. Did not you observe me tip you 
the wink to leave off in time >' I answered, 
' No.' ' No,' continued he ; ' you was too 
eager to mind anything but the game. But, 
harkee,' said he in a whisper, ' are you satis- 
fied of that young man's honesty ? his looks 
are a little suspicious — but I may be mi?- 



RODERICK RANDOMo 



taken ; he made a groat many grimaces while 
he stood behind you : this is a very wicked 
town.' I told him I was very well convinced 
of my comrade's integ'rity, and that the gri- 
maces he mentioned were doubtless owing to 
his anxiety at my loss. 'Oh ho ! if that be 
the case, "^I ask his pardon. Landlord, see 
what's to pay.' The reckoning amounted to 
eighteenpence, which, having discharged, the 
gentleman shook us both by the hand, and, 
sayinp: he should be very glad to see us again, 
departed. 

CHAPTER XV. 

Strap moralises — presents his purse to me — 
we inform our landlord of my misfortune — 
Jia unravels the mystery — I present myself 
to Cringer — he recommends and turns me 
over to Mr. Staytape — I become acquainted 
with a fellow dependent, who explains the 
character of Cringer and Staytape — and 
informs me of the 'method to be pursued at 
the Navy Office and Surgeons' Hall— Strap 
is employed. 

IN our way to our lodging, after a profound 
silence on both sides. Strap, with a hid- 
eous groan, observed that we had brought our 
pigs to a fine market. To this observation I 
made no reply, and he went on : ' God send 
us well out of this place ; we have not been in 
London eight and forty hours, and I believe 
we have met with eight and forty thousand 
misfortunes. Wo have been jeered, re- 
proached, buffeted, and at last stript of our 
noney ; and I suppose by and bye we shall 
oe stript of our skins. Indeed, as to the 
money part of it, that was owing to our 
own folly. Solomon says, " Bray a fool in a 
mortar, and he will never be wise." Ah ! 
Tod help us, an ounce of prudence is worth a 
jound of gold.' This was no time for him to 
a.mper with my disposition, already mad with 
my loss, and inflamed with resentment against 
him for having refused me a little money to 
attempt to retrieve it. I therefore turned 
towards him with a stem countenance, and 
asked, who he called fool ? Being altogether 
unaccustomed to such looks from me, he stood 
still, and stared in my face for some time ; 
then, with some confusion, uttered, ' Fool ! I 
called nobody fool but myself ; I am sure I am 
the greatest fool of the two, for being so much 
concerned at other people's misfortunes ; but 
Nemo onnibiis IwHs sapit — that's all — that's 
all.' Upon which a silence ensued that brought 
us to our lodging, where I threw myself upon 
the bed in an agony of despair, resolved to 
perish rather than apply to my companion, or 
any other body, for relief; but Strap, who 
knew my temper, and whose heart bled ^vithin 
him at my distress, after some pause came to 
the bedside, and, putting a leathern purse 
into my hand, burst into tears, crying, ' I 
know what you think ; but I scorn your 
tlioughts. There's all I have in the world, 



take it, and I'll perhaps get more for yon 
before that be done. If not, I'll beg for you, 
steal for you, go through the wide world with 
you, and starve with you ; for though I be a 
poor cobbler's son, I am no scout.' I was so 
touched with the generous passion of this 
poor creature, that 1 could not refrain frdm 
weeping also, and we mingled our tears to- 
gether for some time. Upon examining the 
purse, I found in it two half-guineas and half- 
a-crown, which I would have returned to him, 
sajdng, he knew better than I how to manage 
it, but he absolutely refused my proposal, and 
told me, it was more reasonable and decent 
that he should depend upon me, who was a 
gentleman, than that I should be controlled 
by him. 

After this friendly contest was over, and 
our minds more at ease, we informed our land- 
lord of what had happened to us, taking care 
to conceal the extremity to which we were re- 
duced. He no sooner heard the story, than 
he assured us we had been grievously imposed 
upon by a couple of sharpers, who were asso- 
ciates ; and that this polite, honest, friendly, 
humane person, who had treated us so civilly, 
was no other than a rascally money-dropper, 
who made it his business to decoy strangers 
in that manner to one of his own haunts, 
where an accomplice or two were always wait- 
ing to assist in pillaging the prey he had run 
down. Here the good man recounted a great 
many stories of people who had been seduced, 
cheated, pilfered, beat — nay, even murdered, 
by such villams. I was confounded at the 
artifice and wickedness of mankind ; and 
Strap, lifting up his eyes and hands to hea- 
ven, prayed that God would deliver him from 
such scenes of iniquity, for surely the devil 
had set up his throne in London. Our land- 
lord being- curious to know what reception we 
had met with at Mr. Cringer's, we acquainted 
him with the particulars, at which he shook 
his head, and told us we had not gone the 
right way to work ; that there was nothing to 
be done with a member of parliament without 
a bribe ; that the servant was commonly in- 
fected with the master's disease, and expected 
to be paid for his work, as well as his betters. 
He therefore advised me to give the footman 
a shilling the next time I should desire admit- 
tance to my patron, or else I should scarce 
find an opportunity to deliver my letter. Ac- 
cordingly, next morning, when the door was 
opened, I slipped a shilling into his hand, and 
told him I had a letter for his master. I found 
the good effects of my liberality ; for the fel- 
low let me in immediately, and, taking the 
letter out of my hand, desired me to wait in 
a kind of passage for an answer. In this 
place I continued standing for three-quarters- 
of-an-hour, during which time I saw a great 
many young fellows whom I formerly knew in 
Scotland pass and repass, with an air of fami- 
liarity, in their way to and from the audience- 
chamber ; while I was fain to stand shivering 
in the cold, and turn my back to them, that 



RVDERIUK RANDOM. 



.•3S 



they might not perceive the lo'wiiess of my 
condition. At length, Mr. Cringer came out 
to see a young gentleman to the door, who 
was no other than Squire Gawky, dressed in a 
very gay suit of clothes ; at parting, Mr. Cringer 
shook him by the hand, and told him he hoped 
to have the pleasure of his company at din- 
ner. Then, turning about towards me, asked 
what were my commands ? AVheu he under- 
stood I was the person who had brought the let- 
ter from Mr. Crab, ho affected to recollect my 
name, which, however, he pretended he could 
not do till he had consulted the letter again ; 
to save him the trouble, I told him my name 
was Random. Upon which he went on, ' Ay 
ay, Random, Random, Random — I think I 
remember the name : ' and very well he might, 
for this very individual, Mr. Cringer, had 
many a time rode before my grandfather's 
cloak-bag, in quality of a footman. ' Well,' 
says he, ' you propose to go on board a man- 
of-war as surgeon's mate.' I replied by a low 
bow. ' I believe it will be a difficult matter,' 
continued he, 'to procure a wan-ant, there 
being already such a swarm of Scotch surgeons 
at the Navy Office, in expectation of the next 
vacancy, that the commissioners are afraid of 
being torn to pieces, and have actually applied 
for a guard to protect them. However, some 
ships will soon bo put in commission, and 
then we shall see what's to be done.' So saj-- 
ing, he left me, exceedingly mortified at the 
difl'crent reception Mr. Gawky and I had met 
with from this upsiart, proud, mean member, 
who, I imagined, would have been glad of an 
opportunity to be grateful for the obligations 
he owed to my family. 

At my return, I was surprised with the agree- 
able news of Strap's being employed, on the re- 
commendation of his friend, the schoolmaster, 
by a periwig-maker in the neighbourhood, 
who allowed him five shillings per week, 
besides bed and board. I continued to dance 
attendance every other morning at the levee 
of Mr. Cringer, during a fortnight ; in which 
time I became acquainted with a young fellow 
of my own country and profession, who also 
depended on the member's interest, but was 
treated with much more respect than I, both 
by the servants and master, and often ad- 
mitted into a parlour, where there was a fire 
for the convenience of the better sort of those 
who waited for him. Thither I was never 
permitted to penetrate, on account of my 
appearance, which was not at all fashionable ; 
but was obliged to stand blowing my fingers 
in a cold lobby, and take the first opportunity 
of Mr. Cringer's going to the door to speak 
with him. 

One day, while I enjoyed this occasion, a 
person was introduced, whom Mr. Cringer no 
sooner saw, than, running towards him, he 
saluted him with a low bow to the very ground, 
and afterwards shaking him by the hand with 
great heartiness and familiarity, called him 
his good friend, and asked very kindly after 
Mrs. Staytape and the young ladies; then, 



after a whisper, which continued some 
minutes, wherein I overheard the word honour 
repeated sevei-al times with great emphasis, 
Ml". Cringer introduced me to this gentleman, 
as to a person whoso advice and as.sistanco I 
might depend upon ; and having given me 
his direction, followed me to the door, where 
he told me 1 need not give myself the trouble 
to call at his house any more, for Mr. Stay- 
tape would do my business. At that instant, 
my fellow-dependent, coming out after me, 
overheard the discourse of Mr. Cringer, and, 
making up to me in the street, accosted me 
very civilly : this address I looked upon as no 
small honour, considering the figure he made; 
for ho was dressed in a blue frock with a gold 
button, a green silk waistcoat, trimmed witli 
gold, black velvet breeches, white silk stock- 
ings, silver buckles, a gold-laced hat, a 
spencer-wig, and a silver-hilted hanger, with 
a fine clouded cane in his hand. ' I perceive,' 
says he, ' you are but lately come from Scot- 
land ; pray what may your business with Mr. 
Cringer be ? I suppose it is no secret, and I 
may possibly give you some advice that will 
be serviceable ; for I have been surgeon's 
second mate on board of a seventy-gun ship, 
and consequently know a good deal of the 
world.' 

I made no scruple to disclose my situation, 
which, when he had learned, he shook his 
head, and told mc he had been pretty much 
in the same circumstances about a year ago ; 
that he had relied on Cringer's promises, until 
his money (which was considerable) as well as 
his credit, was quite exhausted ; and when he 
wrote to his relations for a fresh supply, in- 
stead of money he received nothing but re- 
proaches, and the epithets of idle, debauched 
fellow. That after he had waited at the 
Navj' Office many months for a warrant to no 
purpose, he was fain to pawn some of his 
clothes, which raised a small sum wherewith 
he bribed the secretary. Mho soon procured a 
warrant for him, notwithstanding he had 
affirmed the same day, that there \\as not 
one vacancy. That he had gone on board, 
where he remained nine months, at the end 
of which the ship was put out of commission ; 
and he said the company were to be paid off 
in Broad Street the very next day. That his 
relations being reconciled to him, had charged 
him to pay his devoirs regularly to Mr. 
Cringer, who had informed them by letter 
that his interest alone had procured the 
warrant; in obedience to which command, 
he came to his levee every morning; as 1 
saw, though he looked upon him to be a very 
pitiful scoundrel. In conclusion, he asked 
me if I had yet passed at Surgeons' Hall ? 
To which question I answered, I did not so 
much as know it was necessary. ' Necessary ! ' 
cried he, ' Oh then I find I must instruct you ; 
come along with me, and I'll give you some 
information about that matter.' So saying, 
he carried me into an ale-house, where ho 
called for some beer, and bread and cheese, on 



36 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



which we breakfasted. While wo sat in this 
place, he told me I must first go to tlie Navy 
Office, and write to the Board, desiring them 
tj order a letter for me to Surgeon's Hall, 
that I might be examined, toucliing my skill 
in surgery. That the surgeons, after having 
examined me, would give me my qualification 
sealed up in form of a letter directed to the 
commissioners, which qualification I must de- 
liver to t'iC secretary of the Board, who would 
open it in my presence, and read the contents ; 
after which! must employ my interest to be 
provided for as soon as possible. That the 
expense of his qualification for second mate 
of a third-rate, amounted to thirteen shillings, 
exclusive of the warrant, which cost him half-a- 
guinea and half-a-crown, besides a present to 
the secretary, which consistedof a three-pound- 
twelve piece. Tliis calcidation was like a 
thunderbolt to me, whoso whole fortune did 
not amount to twelve shillings. I accordingly 
made him acquainted with this part of my dis- 
tress, after having thanked him for his informa- 
tion and advice. He condoled me on this occa- 
sion ; but bade me be of good cheer, for he 
had conceived a friendship for mo, and would 
make all things easy. Ho was run out at 
present, but to-morrow or next day, he was 
certain of receiving a considerable sum ; of 
which he would lend me what would be suffi- 
cient to answer my exigencies. This frank 
declaration pleased me so much, that 1 pulled 
out my purse and emptied it before him, 
begging him to take what he pleased for 
pocket-expense, until he should receive his 
own money. With a good deal of pressing, 
he was prevailed upon to take five shillings, 
telling me that he might have what money 
he wanted at any time for the trouble of 
going into the city ; but as he had mot with 
me, he would defer his going thither till to- 
morrow, wlicn I should go along with him, 
and he would put mo in the way of acting for 
myself, without a ser\-ile dependence on that 
rascal Cringcr, much less on the tailor to 
whom he heard him turn mo over. ' How !' 
cried I, ' is Mr. Staytape a tailor ?' ' No less, I 
assure you,' answered he, ' and, I confess, more 
likely to serve you than the member; for, 
provided you can entertain him with politics 
and conumdrums, you may have credit with 
him for as many and as rich clothes as you 
please.' I told him, I was utterly ignorant 
of both, and so incensed at Cringer's usage, 
that I would never set foot within his door 
again. 

After a good deal more conversation, my 
new acquaintance and I parted, having made 
an appointment to meet next day at the same 
place, in order to set out for the city. I went 
immediately to Strap, and related everything 
which had happened, but he did not at all 
approve of my being so forward to lend money 
to a stranger, especially as we had already 
been so much imposed upon by appearances. 
' However,' said he, ' if you are sure he is a 
Scotchman, I believe you are safe.' 



CHAPTER XVI. 

My new acquaintance hrealis an aiopointmeni 
— I proceed, by myself, to the NoAnj Office — ■ 
address myself to a person there, who assist 
me ifith his advice — write to the Board, they 
grant me a letter io the Surgeons at tlie 
Hall — am, xnformed of the beau's name and 
character — find Mm — he makes me his con- 
fidant m ayi amour — desires me to pawn 
my li7ien for his occasions — recover what I 
lent him — some curious observations of Strap 
on that occasion — his vanity. 

IN the morning I rose and went to the place 
of rendezvous, where I waited two hours 
in vain ; and Avas so exasperated against him 
for breaking his appointment, that I set out 
for the city by myself, in hope of finding the 
villain, and being revenged on him for hia 
breach of promise. At length I found myself 
at the Navy Office, which I entered, and saw 
crowds of young fellows walking below, many 
of whom made no better appearance than 
myself. I consulted the physiognomy of each, 
and at last made up to one whose countenance 
I liked, and asked, if he could instruct me in 
the form of the letter which was to be sent to 
the Board to obtain an order for examination ? 
He answered me in broad Scotch, that he 
would show me the copy of what he had writ 
for himself, by direction of another who knew 
the form, and accordingly pulled it out of his 
pocket for my perusal ; and told me that if 
I was expeditious, I might send it in to tne 
Board before dinner, for they did no business 
in the afternoon. He then went with me to 
a coffee-house hard by, where I wrote the 
letter, which was immediately delivered to 
the messenger, who told me I might expect 
an order to-morrow about the same time. 

Having transacted this piece of business, my 
mind was a good deal composed ; and as I had 
met with so much civility from the stranger, 
I desired further acquaintance with him, 
fully resolved, however, not to bo deceived 
by him so much to my prejudice as I had 
been by the beau. He agreed to dine with 
me at the cook's shop which I frequented; 
and on our way thither carried me to 'Change, 
where I was in hopes of finding Mr. Jackson 
(for that was the name of the person who had 
broke his appointment). I sought him there 
to no purpose, and on our way towards the 
other end of the town imparted to mj' com- 
panion his behaviour towards me; upon 
w^hich he gave me to understand, that he was 
no stranger to the name of Beau Jackson (so 
he was called at the Navy Office), although ho 
did not know him personally ; that he had the 
character of a good-natured careless fellow, 
who made no scruple of borrowing from any 
that would lend ; that most people who knew 
liim believed he had a good principle at bot- 
tom, but his extravagance was such, he would 
probably never have it in his power to mani- 
fest the honesty of his intention. This made 
me sw-eat for my five shillings, which I never- 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



37 



theloss did not altog:other despair of recover- 
ing, provided I could find out the debtor. 

This young man likewise added another 
circumstance of Squire Jackson's history, 
which was, that being destitute of all means 
to equip himself for sea, when he received 
his last warrant, he had been recommended 
to a person who lent him a little money, after 
he had signed a will entitling that person to 
lift his wages when they should become due, 
as also to inherit his effects in case of his 
death. That he was still under the tutorage 
and direction of that gentleman, who ad- 
vanced him small sums from time to time 
upon this security, at the rate of fifty per 
cent. But at present his credit was very low, 
because his funds would do little more than 
pay what he had already received, this mode- 
rate interest included. After the stranger 
(whose name was Thompson) had entertained 
me with this account of Jackson, he informed 
me that he himself had passed for third mate 
of a third-rate, about four months ago ; 
since which time he had constantly attended 
at the Navy Office, in hope of a warrant, 
having been assured from the beginning, both 
by a Scotch member, and one of the commis- 
sioners to whom the member recommended 
him, that he should be put into the first 
vacancy ; notwithstanding which promise, ho 
had the mortification to see six or seven ap- 
pointed in the same station almost every 
week — that now, being utterly impoverished, 
his sole hope consisted in the promise of a 
friend lately come to town, to lend him a 
small matter, for a present to the secretary ; 
without which he was persuaded ho might 
wait a thousand years to no purpose. I con- 
ceived a mighty liking for this young fcilow, 
whicli (I believe) proceeded from the simili- 
tude of our fortunes. We spent the wholo 
day together ; and as he lived at Wapping, 
I desired him to take a share of my bed. 

Next day we returned to the Navy Ofiico, 
where, after being called before the Board, 
and questioned about the place of my nativity 
and education, they ordered a letter to bo 
made out for me, which, upon paying half-a- 
crown to the clerk, I received, and delivered 
into the hands of the clerk at Surgeon's Hall, 
together with a shilling for his trouble in 
registering my name. By this time my whole 
stock was diminished to two shillings, and I 
saw not the least prospect of relief, even for 
present subsistence, much less to enable me 
to pay the fees at Surgeons' Hall for my ex- 
amination, which would come on in a fort- 
night. In this state of perplexity, I consulted 
Strap, who assured me he would pawn every- 
thing he had in the world, even to his razors, 
before I should want ■ but this expedient I 
absolutely rejected, telling him, I would a 
thousand times rather Ust for a soldier, of 
which I had some thoughts, than be any longer 
a burden to him. At the word soldier, he 
grew pale as death, and begged on his knees 
I would think no more of that scheme. ' God 



Reserve ns in all our right wits !' cried he, 
' would you turn soldier, and perhaps be sent 
abroad against the Spaniards, where j'ou 
must stand and be shot at like a woodcock ? 
Heaven keep cold lead out of my carcase, and 
let me die in a bed like a Christian, as all my 
forefathers have done ? "What signifies all 
earthly riches and honours, if one enjoys not 
content ? and, hereafter, there is no respect 
of persons. Better be a poor honest barber 
with a good conscience, and time to repent of 
my sins upon my death-bed, than bo cut off 
(God bless us !) bj' a musket-shot, as it were 
in the very flower of one's age, in the pursuit 
of riches and fame. What signify riches, my 
dear friend P do they not make unto them- 
selves wings and fly away ? as the wise man 
saith. I could also mention many other 
sayings in contempt of riches, both from the 
Bible and other good books ; but as I know 
you are not very fond of those things, I shall 
only assure you, that if you take on to bo a 
soldier, I will do the same ; and then if we 
should both be slain, you will not only have 
your own blood to answer for, but mine also : 
and peradventure the lives of all those whom 
we shall kill in battle. Therefore I pray you, 
consider whether you will sit down contented 
with smal .things, and share the fruits of my 
industry in peace, till Providence shall send 
better tidings ; or, by your despair, i)lunge 
both our souls and bodies into everlasting / 
perdition, which God of his infinite mercy 
forbid !' I could not help smiling at this 
haranprue, which was delivered with great 
earnestness, the tears standing in his eyes all 
the time, and promised to do nothing of that 
sort without his consent and concurrence. 
He was much comforted with this declara- 
tion ; and told me in a few days he should re- 
ceive a v/eek's wapes, which should be at my 
service, but advised me in the meantime to go 
in quest of Jack.son, an I recover, if possible, 
what he had borrowed of me. I accordingly 
trudged about/rom one end of the town to the 
other, for several days, without being able to 
learn anything certain concerning him : and, 
one day being extremely hungry, and allured 
by the steams that regaled my nostrils from a 
boiling cellar, I went down with an intention 
to prratify my appetite with a twopennyworth 
of beef ; when, to my no small surpri.se, I 
found Mr. Jackson sitting at dinner with a 
footman. He no sooner perceived me than 
he got up and shook me by the hand, saying, 
' He was glad to see me, for he intended 
to have called at my lodgings in the after- 
noon.' I was so well pleased at this ren- 
counter, and the apologies he made for not 
keeping his appointment, that I forgot my 
resentment, and sat down to dinner, with the 
happy expectation of not only recovering my 
own money before we should part, but also of 
reaping the benefit of his promise to lend me 
wherewithal to pass examination ; and this 
hope my sanguine complexion suggested, 
though the account Thompson gave me of 



36 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



him ought to have moderated my expecta- 
tion. 

AVhenwe had feasted sumptuously, he took 
his leave of the footman, and adjourned with 
me to an ale-house hard by, where, after 
shaking me by the hand again, he began thus : 
' I suppose you think me a sad dog, Mr. Ran- 
dom, and I do confess that appearances are 
against me. But I dare say you will forgive 
me when I tell you, my not coming at the 
time appointed was owing to a peremptory 
message I received from a certain lady, whom, 
harkeo ! (but this is a groat secret) I am to 
marry vci-y soon. You think this strange, 
perhaps, but it is not less true for all that— 
a five thousand pounder, I'll assure you, be- 
sides expectations. For my own part, devil 
take me if I know what any woman can see 
engaging about me — but a whim, you know 
— and then one would not balk one's good 
fortune. You saw that footman who dined 
with us — he's one of the honestest fellows 
that ever wore livery. You must know it 
was by his means I was introduced to her, 
for he made me first acquainted with her 
woman, who is his mistress — ay, many a 
crown has he and his sweetheart had of my 
money — but what of that? things are now 
brought to a bearing. I have — (come a httle 
this way) I have proposed marriage, and the 
day is fixed — she's a charming creature, and 
writes like an angel ! She can repeat all the 
English tragedies as well as e'er a player in 
Drury Lane ! — and, indeed, is so fond of plays, 
that to bo near the stage she has taken lodg- 
ings in a court hard by the theatre ; but you 
shall see — you shall see — here's the last letter 
she sent me.' AVith these words, he put it 
into my hand, and I read (to the best of my 
remembrance) as follows : 

' Deer Creeter — As you are the animablo 
hopjack of my contemplayshins, your aydear 
is infernally skimming before my kej'merycal 
fansee, when Murfy sends his puppies to the 
heys of slipping mortals ; and when Febus 
shines from his merrj' dyuig throne ; where- 
upon I shall canseif old time has lost his 
pinners, as also cubit his harrows, until thou 
enjoy sweet propose in the loaf seek harms of 
thy very faithfool to commend, 

' Clayrender. 
' Wingar Yeard, Droory Lane, January 12th.' 

While I was reading, he seemed to bo in an 
ecstacy, rubbing his hands, and bursting out 
into fits of laughter ; at last he caught hold 
of my hand, and squeezing it, cried, ' There 
is a style for you ! What do you think of 
this billet-doux ?' I answered, ' It might be 
sublime for aught I knew, for it was alto- 
gether above my comprehension.' ' Oh, ho !' 
said he, ' I believe it is — both tender and su- 
blime ; .she's a di\'ine creature ! and so doats 
upon me ! Let me see — what shall I do with 
this money, when I have once got it into my 
hands ? In the first place, I shall do for you. 
I'm a man of few words — but say no more — 
that's determined ; whether would you advise 



me to purchase some post, by which I may 
rise in the state, or lay out my wife's fortune 
in land, and retire to the country at once P' 
I gave my opinion without hesitation, that 
he could not do better than buy an estate 
and improve ; especially since he had already 
seen so much of the world. Then I launched 
out into the praises of a country life, as de- 
scribed by the poets whose works I had read. 
He seemed to relish my advice, but withal 
told me, that although he had seen a great 
deal of the world, both at land and sea, having 
cruised three whole months in the Channel, 
yet he should not be satisfied luitil ho had 
visited France, which he proposed to do be- 
fore he should settle ; and to carry his wife 
along with him. I had nothing to object to 
his proposal ; and asked how soon he hoped 
to be happy. ' As to that,' he replied, ' no- 
thing obstructs my happiness but the want 
.of a little ready cash ; for you must know, 
my friend in the city has gone out of town 
for a week or two, but I unfortunately missed 
my pay at Broad Street, by being detained 
too long by the dear charmer — but there will 
be a recall at Chatham next week, whither 
the ship's books are sent, and I have com- 
missioned a friend in that place to receive 
the money.' ' it' that be all,' said I, 'there's 
no great harm in deferring your marriage a 
few days.' ' Yes, faith ! but there is,' said 
he ; ' you don't know how many rivals I have, 
who would take all advantages against me. 
I would not balk the impatience of her 
passion for the world — the least appearance 
of coldness or indifference would ruin all; 
and such offers don't occur every day.' 

I acquiesced in this observation, and in- 
quired how he intended to proceed. At this 
question ho rubbed his chin, and said, ' Why, 
truly, I must be obliged to some friend or 
other — do you know nobody that would lend 
me a small sum for a day or two ?' I assured 
him, I was such an utter stranger in London, 
that I did not believe I could borrow a guinea 
if my life depended upon it. ' No I' said he, 
' that's hard — that's bard ! 1 wish I had any- 
thing to pawn— upon my soul, yovi have got 
excellent linen (feeling the sleeve of my shirt) ; 
how many shirts of that kind have you got P' 
I answered, ' Six ruffled, and six plain.' At 
which he testified great surprise, and declared 
that no gentleman ought to have more than 
four. 'How many d'ye think I have got r' 
continued he ; ' but this and another, as I 
hope to be saved ! and I dare say we shall be 
able to raise a good sum out of your super- 
fluity : let me sec — let me see — each of these 
shirts is worth sixteen shillings at a mode- 
rate compiitation — now, suppose we pawn 
them for half-price — eight times eight is 
sixty-four, that's three pounds four; that 
will do — give mo your hand.' ' Softly, softly, 
Mr. Jackson,' said I ; ' don't dispose of my 
linen without my consent : fir.st pay me the 
crown you owe me, and then we shall talk of 
other matters.' He protested that he had 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



39 



not above one shilling in his pocket, but that 
he would pay me out of the first of the 
money raised from the shirts. This piece of 
assurance incensed me so much that I swore 
I would not part with him until I had re- 
ceived satisfaction for what I had lent him ; 
and as for the shirts, I would not pawn one of 
them to save him from the gallows. 

At this expression he laughed aloud, and 
then complained it was very hard that I 
should refuse him a trifle that would infallibly 
enable him not only to make his own fortune 
but mine also. ' You talk of pawning my 
shirts,' said I ; ' suppose you should sell this 
hanger, Mr. Jackson ? I believe it would fetch 
a good round sum.' ' No, hang it ! ' said he, 
' I can't appear decently without my hanger, 
lest it should go.' However, seeing me in- 
flexible with regard to my linen, he at length 
unbuckled his hanger, and, showing me tho 
three blue balls, desired me to carry it thither 
and pawn it for two guineas. This office I 
would by no means "have performed, had I 
seen any likeUhood of having my money 
otherwise ; but not willing, out of a piece of 
false delicacy, to neglect tho only opportu- 
nity I should perhaps ever have, I ventured 
into a pawnbroker's shop, where I demanded 
two guineas on the pledge, in the name of 
Thomas Williams. ' "Two guineas ! ' said the 
pawnbroker, looking at the hanger ; ' this 
piece of goods has been here several times 
before for thirty shillings : however, since I 
believe the gentleman to whom it belongs 
will redeem it, he shall have what he wants ; ' 
and accordingly he paid me the money, which 
I caiTicd to the house where I had left Jack- 
son ; and, calling for change, counted out to 
him seven and thirty shillings, reserving the 
other five for myself. A fter looking at the 
money some time, he said, ' Well ! it don't 
signify — this won't do my business ; so you 
may as well take half-a-iruinea, or a whole 
one, as the five shillings you have kept.' I 
thanked him kindly, but refused to accept of 
any more than was mj' duo, because I had no 
prospect of repaying it. Upon which decla^ 
ration, he stared in my face, and told me, I 
was excessively raw, or I would not talk in 
that manner. ' Upon my word,' cried he, ' I 
have a very bad opinion of a young feUow 
who won't borrow of his friend when he is in 
want — 'tis the sign of a sneaking spirit. 
Come, come, Eandom, give me back the five 
shillings, and take tliis half-guinea; and if 
ever you are able to pay me, I believe you 
will : if not, I shall never ask it.' 

When I reflected upon my present necessity, 
I suffered myself to be persuaded, and after 
making my acknowledgments to Mr. Jackson, 
who offered to treat mo with a play, I re- 
turned to my lodgings with a much better 
opinion of this gentleman than I had in the 
morning; and at night imparted my day's 
adventure to Strap, who rejoiced at mj' good 
luck, saying, ' I told you if he was a Scotch- 
man, you was safe enough — and who knows 



but this marriage may make us all. You 
have heard, I suppose, as how a countryman 
of ovirs, a journeyman baker, ran away with 
a great lady of this town, and now keeps his 
coach. I say nothing; but yesterday morn- 
ing as I was shaving a gentleman at his own 
house, there was a young lady in the room, 
and she threw so many sheep's eyes at a cer- 
tain person whom I shall not name, that my 
heart went knock, knock, knock, like a fulling 
mill, and my hand sh — sh — shook so much 
that I sliced a piece of skin off the gentle- 
man's nose ; whereby he uttered a deadly 
oath, and was going to horsewhip me, when 
ehe prevented him, and made my peace. Is 
not a journeyman barber as good as a jour- 
neyman baker? The oniy difference is, tho 
baker uses flour for the belly, and the barber 
uses it for the head : and as the head is a 
more noble member than the belly, so is a 
barber more noble than a baker — for what's 
the belly without the head ? Besides, I am 
told, he could neither read nor write ; now 
you know I can do both, and moreover, spoak 
Latin — but I -will say no more, for I despise 
vanity — nothing is more vain than vanity.' " 
With these words, he pulled out of his pocket 
a wax-candle's end, which he applied to his 
forehead ; and upon examination, I found he 
had combed his own hair over the toupee of 
his wig, and was, indeed, in his whole dress, 
become a very smart shaver. I congratulated 
him on his prospect with a satirical smile, 
which he understood very well ; and, shaking 
his head, observed, I had very little faith, but 
the truth would come to light in spite of my 
incredulity. 



CHAPTER XVII. 

I go to Surgeons' Hall, when I meet loitli 
Mr. Jackson — am examined — afie^-ce dispute 
arises hetuwentivo of the examiners — Jackson 
disguises himself to attract respect — is de- 
tected — in hazard of being sent to Bridewell 
— he treats \is at a Tavern — carries us to a 
Night-house — A troublesome adventure there 
— we are committed to tlie Round-house — ■ 
carried before a Justice — his behaviour. 

WITH the assistance of this faithful ad- 
herent, who gave me almost all the 
money he earned, I preserved my half-guinea 
entire till the day of examination, when I 
went with a quaking heart to Surgeons' HaU, 
in order to undergo that ceremony. Among 
a crowd of young fellows who walked in tho 
outward hall, I perceived Mr. Jackson, to 
whom I immediately went up ; and, inquiring 
into the state of his love afi"air, understood 
it was still undetermined, by reason of his 
friend's absence, and the delay of the recall 
at Chatham, which put it out of his power to 
bring it to a conclusion. I then asked what 
his business was in this place ; he replied, he 
was resolved to have two strings to his bow, 
that in case the one failed, he might use the 
other ; and, with this view, he was to pass 



40 



RODERICK RANDOTJ. 



that night for a hitrhcr qualification. At that 
instant, a j'ounp fellow came out from the 
place of examination, with a pale countenance, 
his lip quivering, ami his looks as wild as if he 
had seen a ghost. He no sooner appeared, 
than we all flocked about hira with the utmost 
eagerness to know what reception he had met 
with ; which, after some pause, he described, 
recounting all the questions they had asked, 
with the answers he made. In this manner 
we obliged no less than twelve to recapitulate, 
which, now the danger was past, they did 
with pleasure, before it fell to my lot : at 
length the beadle called my name, with a 
voice tliat made me tremble. However, there 
was no remedy. I was conducted into a largo 
hall, where I saw about a dozen of grim faces 
sitting at a long table : one of whom bade mo 
come forward, in such an imperio;is tone, 
that I waa actually for a minute or two 
bereft of my senses. The first question ho 
])ut to me was, ' Where was you bom ? ' To 
which I answered, ' In Scotland." ' In Scot- 
land,' said he ; 'I know that very well — wo 
have scarce any other countrymen to examine 
here — jou Scotchmen have overspread us of 
late as the locusts did Egypt. I ask you in 
what part of Scotland was you born ? ' I 
named the place of my nativity, which ho ha4l 
never heard of ; he then proceeded to inter- 
rogate me about my age, the town where I 
served my time, with the term of my ap- 
prenticesliip : and when I informed him that 
I served tlirce years only, he fell into a violent 
po-ssion, swore it was a shame and a scandal 
to send such raw boys into the world as sur- 
geons ; that it was great ]tresumption in me, 
and an affront upon the English, to pretend 
sufficient skill in my business, having served 
so short a time, when every apprentice in 
England was bound seven years at least: 
that my friends would have done better if 
they had made me a weaver or shoemaker ; 
but their pride would have mo a gentleman, 
he supposed, at any rate, and their poverty 
could not afford the necessary education. 
This cxonlium did not at all contribute to 
the recovery of my spirits ; but on the con- 
trary, reduced me to such a situation that I 
was scarcely able to stand ; which being per- 
ceived by a plump gentleman who sat oppo- 
site to me with a skull before him, ho said, 
Mr. Snarler wivs too .severe upon the young 
man ; and, turning towards mo, told me I 
need not bo afraid, for nobody would do me 
any harm : then, bidding me take time to 
recollect myself, ho examiue<l me, touching 
the operation of the trepan, and waa very well 
satisfied with my answers. The next person 
who (juestioned me was a wag, who began by 
asking if I had over seen amputation per- 
formed ; and I replying in the affirmative, ho 
shook his liead and said, ' What I upon a deivl 
subject, I suppose ? If,' continued he, 'dur- 
ing an engagement at sea, a man should bo 
brought to you with his liead shot off, how 
wouiJ you behave ? ' After some hesiUition, I 



owned such a case had never como under my 
observation, neither did I i-cmembor to have 
seen any method of cure projiosed for such 
an accident, in any of the systems of surgery 
I had perused. 

Whether it was owing to the simplicity of 
my answer, or the archness of the question, 
I know not, but every member at the board 
deigned to smile, except Mr. Snarler, who 
seemed to have very little of the animal 
risible in his constitution. The fiicetioua 
member, enconragcd by the success of his last 
joke, went on thus : ' Suppose you was called 
to a patient of a plethoric habit, who had 
been bruised by a fall, what would you do ? ' 
I answered, ' I would bleed him immediately.' 
' What I ' said he, ' before you had tied up 
his arm F ' But this stroke of wit not 
answering his expectation, he desired mo to 
advance to the gentleman who sat next 
him ; and who, with a pert air, asked what 
method of euro I would follow in wounds of 
the intestines. I repeated the method of 
cure as it is prescribed by the best chirur- 
gical writers, which ho heard to an end, and 
then said with a supercilious smile, ' So you 
think with such treatment the patient might 
recover r ' I told him I saw nothing to make 
me think otherwise. ' Tliat may be,' resumed 
he ; 'I won't answer for your foresight ; but 
did vouever know a case of this kind succeed?' 
I acknowledged I did not, and was about to 
tell him I had never seen a wounded intestine ; 
but he stopt me, by saying, with some pre- 
cipitation. ' Nor never will I I affirm that all 
wounds of the intestines, whether great or 
small, are mortal.' ' Pardon me, brother,' 
says the fat gentleman, ' there is very good 
authorit}- — ' Hero he was interrupted by tho 
other, with — ' Sir, excuse me, I despise all 
authority — XulUusin verba — I stand upon my 
own bottom.' ' But sir, sir,' replied his an- 
tagonist, ' tho reason of tho thing shows — ' 
' A fig for reason, cries this sufficient member ; 
' I laugh at reason ; give me ocular demon- 
stration.' The corpulent gentleman began to 
wax warm, and observed, that no man ac- 
quainted with the anatomy of the parts would 
advance such an extravagant assertion. Tliia 
inucndo enraged the other so much, that he 
started up, and in a furious tone exclaimed : 
I What, Sir I do you question my knowledge 
in anatomy .' ' 

By this time, all the examiners had espoused , 
the opinion of one or other of the disputants, I 
and raised their voices altogether, when tho 
chairman commanded silence, and ordered mo 
to withdraw. In less than a quarter of an 
hour, I was called in again, received my 
qualification sealed up, and was ordered to 
pay five shillings. I laid down my half-guinea 
upon the table, and stood some time, until 
one of them batie me begone ; to this I re- 
plied, ' I will when I have got my change : ' 
upon which another throw mo five shillings 
and sixpence, saying, I should not be a true 
Scotchman if I wont away without mychan;;e. 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



41 



I was afterwards obliged to give throe shil- 
linffs uud sixpence to the beadles, and a 
shillinn to an old woman who swept the hall: 
this disbursement sank my tinanco.s to thir- 
teen-pence halfpenny, with which I was 
sneaking cS', wiien Jackson, perceiving it, 
came up to me, and begged I would tarry for 
him, and he would accompany me to the other 
end of the town, as soon as his examination 
should be over. I could not refuse this to a 
person that was so much my friend ; but I 
was astonished at the change of his dress, 
which Wius varied in half-an-hour from what 
I have alro:uly described to a very grotesquo 
fashion. His head was covered with an old 
smoke tie-wig that did not boast one crooked 
hair, and a slouched hat over it, which would 
have very well become a chimney-sweeper, or 
a dustman ; his neck was adorned with a 
black,crapo, the ends of which he ha<l twisted, 
and fixed in the button-hole of a shabby great- 
coat that wrajiped up hia whole body ; his 
white silk stockings wero converted into 
black worste<l hoso ; and his countenance was 
rendered vonenililo by wrinkles, and a beard 
of his own painting. When I expressed my 
surprise at this mctaraorphosi.s, he hiughed, 
and t<)Ul me it was done by the advice and 
assistance of a frioml, who lived over the 
way, and would certainly produce something 
very muc^h to his advantage ; for it gave him 
the appearance of age, which never fails of 
attracting resjiect. I applauded his sagacity, 
and waited with impatience for the effects 
of it. At length he was called in ; but 
whether the oddness of his appearance excited 
a curiosity more than usual in the board, or 
his behaviour was not suitable to his figure. I 
know not, he was discovered to bo an im- 
postor, and put into the hands of the bejulle, 
in order to be sent to Bridewell. So that, 
instejvl of seeing him come out with a cheer- 
ful countenance, and a surgeon's qualification 
in his hand, I perceived hira led through the 
outwanl hall as a prisoner ; and was very 
much alarmed, and anxious to know the 
occasion ; when he called with a lamentable 
voice, and a piteous aspect to mo, and some 
others who knew him, ' For God's sake, gen- 
tlemen, bear witness that I am the same 
individual John Jackson who served as sur- 
geon's secon<l mate on board the Elizabeth, 
or else I shall go to Bridewell !' 

It would have been impossible for the most 
austere hermit that ever lived to have re- 
frained from laughing at his appearance and 
address : wo therefore indulged ourselves a 
good while at his expen.se, and afterwards 

E leaded hLs cause so effectually with the 
eadle, who was gratified with half-a-crown, 
that the prisoner was dismissed, and in a few 
moments renewed his former gaiety — swear- 
ing, since the board ha-l refused his money, 
he would spend every shilling before he went 
to bed, in treating his friends ; at the same 
time inviting ns all to favour him vntli our 



company. It was now ten o'clock at night, 
and, as I had a groat way to walk through 
streets that were utterly unknown to mo, I 
was prevailed on to bo of their party, in 
hopes he would afterwards accompany mo to 
my lodgings, according to his promise. He 
conducted us to his friend's house, who kept 
a tavern over the way, whoro wo continued 
drinking punch, until the liquor mounted up 
to our heads, and made us all extremely frolic- 
some. I, in particular, was so much elevated, 
that nothing would serve me but a wench ; 
at which demand Jackson expressed much 
joy, and assured me I should have my desire 
before we parted. Accordingly, when he had 
paid the reckonmg, we sallie<l out, roaring 
and singing ; and were conducted by our 
leader to a place of nocturnal entertainment, 
where Mr. Jackson's dress attracted the 
assiduities of two or three nymphs, who 
loa<.led him with caresses, in return for the 
arrack punch with which he treated them, 
till at length sleep began to exert his power 
over us all, anil our conductor called ' To paj'.' 
"When the bill was brought, which amounted 
to twelve sliillings, ho put his hand in his 
pocket, but might have saved himself the 
trouble, for his purse was gone. This accident 
disconcerted him a good deal at first ; but, 
after somo recollection, ho seized the two 
ladies who sjit by him, one in each hand, and 
swore if they did not immediately restore hia 
money, he would charge a constable with 
them. The good lady at the bar, secingwhat 
passed, whispered something to the drawer, 
who went out , and then, with great com- 
posure, asked what was the matter ? Jackson 
toM her ho was robbed, and swore if she re- 
fuseil him satisfaction, ho would have her 
an<l herfemalo friends committed to Bridewell. 
' Robbed !' cried she, ' robbed in my house ! 
Gentlemen and ladies, I take j'ou all to wit- 
ness, this person has scandalised my reputa- 
tion.' At that instant, seeing the constable 
and watck enter, she proceeded, ' What ! you 
must not only endeavour by your false as- 
persions to ruin my character, but even com- 
mit an assault upon my family I Mr. Con- 
stable, I charge you with this uncivil person, 
who has been guilty of a riot here ; I sliall 
take care and bring an action against him for 
defamation.' 

While I was reflecting on this melancholy 
event, which liad made me quite sober, one of 
the ladies, b.ing piqued at somo repartee that 
passed between us, cried, ' They are all con- 
cerned !' and desired the constable to take us 
all into custody; an arrest which was per- 
formed instantly, to tho utter astoni.=hmont 
and despair of us all, except Jackson, who 
having been often in such scrapes, was very 
little concerned, and charged the constable, 
in his turn, with the landlfidy and her whole 
bevy ; upon which wo wore carried altogether 
prisoners to the round-house, where Jackson, 
after a word of comfort to ug, informed tho 



42 



RODERICK RAND03T. 



constable of his being robbed, to which he 
said he would swear next morning before the 
justice. In a little time tiie constable, call- 
ing Jackson into another room, spoke to him 
thus : ' I perceive that you and your company 
are strangers, and am very sorry for your 
being inTolved in such an ugly business. I 
have known this woman a great while ; she 
has kept a notorious house in the neighbour- 
hood this many years ; and although often 
complained of as a nuisance, still escapes 
through her interest with the justices, to 
whom she and all of her employment pay 
contribution quarterly for protection. As she 
charged mo with j^ou first, her complaint will 
have the preference, and she can procure evi- 
dence to swear whatsoever she shall please to 
desire of them ; so that, imlcss you can make 
it up before morning, you and your compa- 
nions may think yourselves happily quit for 
a month's hard labour in Bridewell. Nay, if 
she should swear a robbery or an assault 
against you, you will be cofnmitted to New- 
gate, and tried at the next session at the Old 
Bailey for your life.' This last piece of infor- 
mation had such an effect upon Jackson, that 
he agreed to make it up, provided his money 
might be restored. The constable told him, 
that, instead of retrieving what he had lost, 
ho was pretty certain it would cost him some 
more before they could come to any compo- 
sition. But, however, he had compassion on 
him, and would, if he pleased, sound them 
about a mutual release. I'ho unfortunate beau 
thanked him for his friendship, and returning 
to us, acquainted us with the substance of 
this dialogue ; while the constable, desiring 
to speak in private with our lulvorsary, car- 
ried her into the next room, and pleaded our 
cause so etfcctually, that she condescended to 
make him umpire : he accordingly proposed 
an arbitration, to which we gsive our assent ; 
and ho fined each party in three shiUinps, to 
bo laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein wo 
drowned all animosities, to the inexpressible 
jov of my two late acquaintances and mo, 
who had been extremely uneasy over since 
Jackson mentioned Bridewell and Newgate. 
By the time wo hiui finished our bowl — to 
which, by the bye, I ha<J contributed my laat 
shilling — it was morning, and 1 proposed to 
move homeward, when the constable gave mo 
to understand, ho could discharge no pri- 
soners but by order of the justice, before 
whom wo must appear. This renewed my 
chagrin, and I cursed the hour in whioh I 
hatl yioldotl to Jackson's inviUition. 

About nine o'clock, wo wi ri escort<>d to the 
liouso of a certain justice not miuiy miles dis- 
tant from Covent Garden, who no sooner saw 
the constable enter with a train of prisoners 
at his heels, than he sainted him iw follows : 
' So, Mr. Constable, you are a diligent man. 
What den of rogues have yon been scouring ? ' 
Then looking at us, who appcaretl very much 
d^ectcd, ho continued: 'Ay. ay. thieves. I 



see — old oflFenders ; oh, your humble servant, 
Mrs. Harridan ! I suppose these fellows have 
been taken robbing your house. Yes, yes, 
here's an old acquaintance of mine. You 
have used expedition,' said he to me, ' in re- 
turning from transportation ; but we shall 
save you that trouble for the future — the sur- 
geons will fetch you from your next trans- 
portation, at their expense.' I assured his 
worship he was mistaken in me, for ho had 
never seen me in his life before. To this de- 
claration he replied, • How I you impudent 
rascal, dare you say so to my face ? Do you 
think I am to be imposed upon by that 
northern accent which you have assumed ? 
But it shan't avail you — you shall find me too 
far north for you. Here, clerk, write this 
fellow's mittimus. His name is Patrick Gag- 
hagan.' Here Mr. Jackson interjwsed, and 
told him I was a Scotchman lately come to 
town, descendc"! of a good family, ami that 
my name was Random. The justice looked 
upon thia assertion as an outrage upon his 
memory, on which he valued himself exceed- 
ingly ; and strutting up to Jackson, with a 
fierce countenance, put his hands in his side, 
and said, ' Who are you, sir? Do you give 
me the lie? Take notice, gentlemen, here's 
a ft How who affronts me upon the bench ; 
but I'll lay you fast, sirrah, I will — for not- 
withstanding your laced jacket, I believe yoa 
are a notorious felon.' My friend was so 
much abashed at this menace, which was 
thundered out with prrcat vociferation, that 
he changed colour, and remained speechless. 
This confusion his worship took for a symp- 
tom of guilt, and, to complete the discovery, 
continued his threats. ' Now, I am con- 
vinced you are a thief — your face discovers it, 
you tremble all over, your conscience won't 
lie still — you'll be hanged, sirrah,' raising his 
voice, 'you'll be hanged; and happy had it 
been for the world, n.s well as for your own 
miserable soul, if you had been detected, and 
cut off in the beginning of your career. Come 
hither, clerk, and tjiko this man's confession.' 
I was in an a^fony of consternation, when the 
constable, going into another room with his 
worship, acfinainto«l him with the truth of 
the story ; whioh having le4i.mod,he returned 
with a smiling countenance, and, addressing 
himself to us all, said, it was always his way 
to terrify young people when they came bo- 
fore him, that his threats might make a strong 
impression on their minds, and deter them 
from engaging in scenes of riot and debauch- 
ery, which commonly ended before the judge. 
Thus, having cloaked his own want of dis- 
cernment under the disguise of patem.al 
care, wo were dismissed, .and I found mvself 
iva much lightened as if a mountain had been 
lifted off my breast. 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



CHAPTER XVin. 

I rarr\i tni/ qunlificaiion to the Navy Office — 
tlu- nature uf it — tJie beliafiour of tlie Secre- 
tary — Sli^ip's concern for my absence — 
a batt'- ''( him and a blacksmith — 

the ti-' .■ consequences of if — his 

hv lilt — his fi-iend the SI '■ '• /• 

re" < ine to a French o,' rj, 

who entertains me as a journeyman. 

I'WOiVTJ) most willingly have pone home to 
>i< 1-1 , but was told by my comi>anions, 
tliat wo must deliver our letters of qualifica- 
tion at tlio Navy Utfice, before one o'cloi-lc. 
Acoordiii<,'lj-, we wont thither, and g»ve them 
to the seiTctary, who opened and read them, 
and I was mightily pleased to find myself 
qualified for second mate of a third-rate. 
Wlien he had stuck them all together on a 
tile, one of our company asked if there were 
any vacancies , to which interrogation he an- 
swered ' No ! ' Then 1 ventured to incjuire if 
any ship^ wer»» to be put in commission soon. 
At \s ' ■. he surveyed me with a look 

ofini- ii'pt; and, pushing us out of 

his Dttici^, locked the door without deigning 
us another word. We went down stairs, and 
conferred together on our exjicctations, when 
I understood that each of them had been re- 
commended to one or other of the commis- 
sioners, and each of thom i>romise<l the first 
va«inoy that. «hr>uld full : but that none of 
tl t interest, without 

a , . with whom some 

of liio c ricrs went snacks. For 

whifh roa h of them had provided a 

small purse ; and I was a.sked what I pro- 
posed to give ? Tliis was a vexatious ques- 
tion to mo who (far from being in a capacity 
to gratify a ravenous secretary) htu\ not 
wherewithal to purchase a dinner. I there- 
fore answered, I had not yet d'' 1 what 
to givo ; nii'l sticakol ofT towar' i lodg- 
ii; - my fate all thc^ •• iid in- 
v. 1 rnnt^h bittorno-- a-ui:>t tho 
barliarity of i 'father, and tho sordid 
avarire of my : . . ;.>, who left me a jircy to 
contemiit and indigence. 

Full of those disagreeable reflections, I 
arrived at the house where I lodged, and re- 
lieved my landlord from great anxiety on my 
account ; for this honest man believed I h.od 
met \vith '• ■ idont, and that he 

never sh" Straji. who had 

cbmeto vioit iiic in tlie morning, u- ■ 1- 

ing I ha<l been abroail all night, v. -t 

distracted, and after having obtaineti leave of 
his master, had gone in quest of me, though 
ho was even more ignorant of the town than 
I. Not being willing to inform the landlord 
of my adventure, I told him, I hatl met an 
acquaintance at Surgeons' Hall, with whom I 
spent the evening and night ; bat being very 
much infested with bugs. I had not slept 
mucli, and therefore intended to take a little 
repose ; so saying, I went to bed. and desired 
to be awakened if Straxi should happen to 



come while I should be asleep. I was accord- 
ingly roused by my friend himself, who on- 
teri'tl my chamber about three o'clock in tho 
afternoon, and presented a figure to my eyes 
that I could scarce believe real. In short, thia 
oli'ectionato sliaver, setting out towards Sur- 
geons' Hall, had inquired for me there to no 
purpose : from whence ho found his way to 
the Navy OtBce, where he could hoar no tid- 
ings of me, because I was unknown to every- 
body then present ; he afterwards went upon 
"Change, in hopes of seeing me upon tho 
Scotch walk, but without success. At last, 
being almost in despair of finding me, ho rc- 
solve*.! to ask everybody he mot in tho street, 
if perchance anyone could give him informa- 
tion about me ! and actually put his resolu- 
tion in practice, in spite of the scoffs, curses, 
and reproaches with which ho was answered ; 
until a blacksmith's prentice seeing him stop 
a porter with a burden on his back, and hear- 
ing his question, for which he re-Joived a 
hearty curse, called to him, and asked if tho 
person he inquired after was not a Scotch- 
man i' Strap replied with great eagerness, 
' Y'es, and had on a brown coat, with long 
skirts.' ' The same,' said the blacksmith ! ' I 
saw him pass by an hour ago.' ' Did you so '(' 
cried Strap, rubbing his hands, 'Odd! I am 
very glad of that^which way went ho ? ' 
' Towards Tyburn in a cart,' said ho ; 'if you 
make good speed, you may got thither time 
enough to see him hanged.' This piece of 
wit infonsod my friend to such a degree, that 
' i the blacksmith scoundrel, and i)ro- 

I .' would fight him for half-a-farthing. 

'No, no!' said tho other, stripping; 'I'll 
have none of your monev — you Scotchmen 
seldom carry anything about you ; but I'll 
fight you for love.' There was a ring immo- 
diat<'ly formed by the mob : and Strap, finding 
ho could not get off honourably without fight- 
ing, at the same time burning with resentment 
lis adversary, quitted his clothes to 
; of the multitude, and the battle be- 

g!in with great violence on the side of Strap, 
who in a few minutes exhausted his breath 
and spirits on his patient antagonist, who 
su.stained the assault with great coolness, till 
finding the barber quite spent, ho returned 
the blows he had lent him, with such interest, 
that Strap, after having received three falls 
on the hard stones, gave out, and allowed tho 
blacksmith to be the better man. 

Tho victory Itoing thus decided, it was pro- 
pose<l to adjourn to a cellar hard by, and drink 
friends. But when my friend began to gather 
up his clothes, he perceived that some honest 
person or other had made free with his shirt, 
neckcloth, hat, and wig, which were carried 
off; and probably his coat and waistcoat 
would have met with tho same fate, had they 
been worth stealing. It was in vain for him 
to make a noi.se, which only yielded mirth to 
the spectators ; ho was lain to get off in thia 
manner, which ho accomplished with much 
difficulty and appeared before ine all be- 



4-1 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



smeared with blood and dirt. Notwith- 
stamling this misfortune, such was his trans- 
port at finding me safe and sound, that he 
had almost stifled and stunk me to death with 
his embraces. After he had cleaned himself, 
and put on one of my shirts, and a woollen 
nightcap, I recounted to him the particulars 
of my night's campaign, which filled him with 
admiration, and made him repeat with great 
energy an observation which was often in his 
mouth, namely, ' that surely London is the 
devil's drawing-room.' As neither of us had 
dined, he desired me to get up, and the milk- 
woman coming round at that instant, he went 
downstairs, and brought up a quart, with a 
penny loaf, on which we made a comfortable 
meal. He then shared his money with me, 
which amounted to eighteen-pence, and left 
me with an intention to borrow an old wig 
and hat of his friend the schoolmaster. 

He was no sooner gone, than I began to 
consider my situation with great uneasiness, 
and revolved all the schemes my imagination 
coulil suggest, in order to choose and pursue 
some one that would procure me bread ; for 
it is impossible to express the pangs I felt, 
when I reflected on the miserable dependence 
in which I lived at the expense of a poor 
barber's boy, My pride took the alarm, and 
having no hopes of succeeding at the Navy 
Office, I came to a resolution of enlisting in 
the foot-guards next day, be the event what 
it would. This extravagant design, by flat- 
tering my disposition, gave groat .satisfaction ; 
and 1 was charging the enemy at the head of 
my own regiment, when Strap's return inter- 
rupted my reverie. The schoolmxstor had 
made him "a present of tlio tie-wig which he 
wore, when I was introduced to him, together 
with an old liat, whose brims would have 
overshadowed a Colossus. Though Strap had 
ventured to wear them in the dusk, ho did not 
choose to entertain the mob by day ; therefore 
went to work immediately, and reduced them 
botli to a moderate size. While he was om- 
ploycil in this office, he addressed me thus : 
' To bo sure, Mr. Random, you are born a 
gentleman, and have a great deal of learning 
— and, indeed, look like a gentleman ; for, i-s 
to poison, you may hold up your head with 
the best of them. On the other hand, I am a 
poor but honest cobbler's son : my mother 
•was as industrious a woman as ever broke 
broad, till such time as she took to drinkuig, 
which you very well know ; but everybody 
has failings — humanum fst o-rarc. Now, for 
myself, I am a poor journeyman barber, tole- 
rably well made, and understand some Latin, 
and have a smattering of Greek ; but what of 
that y Perhaps I mijrht also say, that I know 
a littlo of the world ; but that is to no pur- 
pose, — though you be gentle, and I simple, it 
does not follow, but that I who am simple may 
do a good office to j-ou who are gentle. Now 
this is the case : my kinsman, the school- 
master — perhaps you did not know how nearly 
he is related to me— I'll satisfy you in that 



presently ; his mother and my grandmother's 
sister's nephew — no, that's not it ! — my grand- 
father's brother's daughter — rabbit it ! I have 
forgot the degree ; but this I know, he and I 
are cousins seven times removed.' My impa- 
tience to know the good office he had done 
me, got the better of my temper, and I inter- 
rupted him at this place with the exclamation, 
' If the schoolmaster or you can be of any 
advantage to me, why don't you tell me with- 
out all this preamble ? ' When I pronounced 
these words with some vehemence. Strap 
looked at me for some time with a grave 
countenance, and then went on : ' I am very 
sorr3' to see such an alteration in your temper 
of late ; you were always fiery, but now you 
are grown as crabbed ;is old Periwinkle the 
drunken tinker, on whom you and I (God 
forgive us '.) playeil so many unlucky tricks 
while we were at school — but 1 will no louger 
detain you in suspense, because (do .b.less) no- 
thing IS more uneasy tlian duubt — di-Oio piocuL 
dubio ml dubiHS. My Inend or relation, or 
which you will, or both, the schoolmaster, 
being informed of the regard I liave for you ; 
for you may be sure I did not fail to let him 
know of your good qualities — by the bye, ho 
has luidertakeu to teach you the pronuncia- 
tion of the English tongue, without which, ho 
says, you will bo unlit for business in this 
country — I say my relation has spoke in your 
behalf to a French aiiothecary who wants a 
journej-man; and on his recommendation you 
may have fifteen puuuda a-year, bed and 
board, whenever you please.' I was too much 
interested in this piece of news to entertain it 
with indifference ; but, jumping up, insisted 
on Strap's immediately accompanying me to 
the house of his friend, that I might not loso 
this opportunity through the least delay or 
neglect on ni}- jiart. 

We were informed, that the schoolmaster 
was in company at a public-house in the 
neighbourhood, whither we repaired, and 
found him drmking with the very individual 
apothecary in question. When he was called 
to the door at our desire, and observed my 
impatience, he broke out into his usual term 
of ai^lmiration : — ' Oh '. I suppose, when you 
hoard of this offer, you did not take leisure 
enough to come downstairs, but leaped out 
of the window: did you overturn no porter 
nor oyster-woman iu your way ? It was a 
mercy of God you did not knock your brains 
out against some post in your career. Oh, my 
conscience ! I believe, had I been in the inmost 
recessesof my habitation— the very ^fcnefraHa 
— your eagerness would have surmounted 
bolts, bars, decency, and everything. Tho 
den of Cacus, or sanctum saiirtorum, could 
not have hid me from you. But come along 
— the gentleman of whom I spoke is in tho 
house ; I will present you to him forthwith.' 
When I entered the room, I perceived four or 
five people smoking, one of whom the school- 
master accosted thus : ' Mr. Lavement, here's 
the young man of whom I spoke to you.' 



RODERICK RAXDOM. 



The apothecary, who was a little old withered 
man, with a forehead about an inch high, a 
nose turned up at the end, large cheek-bones 
that helped to form a pit for his little pray 
eyes, a great bag' of loose skin hanging down 
on each side in wrinkles, like the alforjos of 
a baboon, and a mouth so much accustomed 
to that contraction which produces grinning, 
that he could not pronounce a syllable with- 
out discovering the remains of his teeth, 
which consisted of four yellow fangs, not im- 
properly, by anatomists, called canine. This 
person, I say, after having eyed me some 
time, said, ' Oho, 'tis ver well. Monsieur 
Concordance ; young man, you arc vcr wel- 
come, take one coup of biorro — and come to 
mine house to-morrow morning; Monsieur 
Concordance vil show you de way.' Upon 
tins I made my bow, and as I went out of 
the room could hear him scy, ' Ma Joi ! ccst 
ttn beau garron ; c'est un g-nllard.' 

As I had by mv own ajiplication, while I 
served Crab, a*^qiiired the French tongue well 
enough to read authors written in that 
language, and uiulerstand anything that 
occurred in conversiition, I determined to 
pretend ignorance to my now master, that ho 
and his family, whom I supposed to bo of the 
same country, not being on the reserve 
before me, 1 might possibly discover some- 
thing in discourse, which would either yield 
me amusement or advantage. Next morning 
Mr. Concoribince carried mo to the apothe- 
cary's house, whcro the bargain was made, 
and orders given to provide an apartment for 
mo immediately. But before I entered upon 
business, the schoolmaster recommended mo 
to his tailor, who gave mo credit for a suit of 
clothes, to be mid out of the first moioty of 
my wages, and they were begun upon that 
very day ; he afterwards accommodated mo 
with a new hat on the same terms : so that 
in a few days I hoped to make a very fashion- 
able ai>peaninco. In the meantime. Strap 
conveyed my baggage to the place allotted 
Jjdr me, which was a back room up two pair 
Vb{ stairs, furnished with a jiallet for mo to 
lie upon, a chair without a back, a bottle by 
way of candlestick, and a triangular pieeo 
of gliuss instead of a mirror ; the rest of its 
ornaments having been lately removed to cno 
of the garrets, for the convenience of the 
serN'ant of an Irish captain, who lodged in tho 
first lloor. 



CHAPTEU XEX. 

TJie charaders of Mr. Lavement, his wife and 
daughter — some anecdotes of the family — 
the mother and daughter 7'ivah — / am 
guilty of a mistake that gives me present 
satisfaction, biA is attended with trouble- 
some consequences. 

NEXT day, while I was at work in the shop, 
a bouncing damsel well dressed came in, 
on pretence of finding a vial for some use or 
other ; and taking an opportunity, when she 



thought I did not mind her, of obson-ing me 
narrowly, went away 'vs'ith a silent look of 
disdain. I easilj' guessed her sentiments, and 
my pride took the resolution of entertaining 
the same in<liffereneo and neglect towards 
her. At dinner tlio maids, with whom I 
dined in the kitchen, gave mo to understand 
that this was my master's only daughter, who 
would have a very handsome fortune, on ac- 
count of which, and her beautj', a great many 
young gentleman made their addresses to her 
— that she had been twice on tho brink of 
marriage, but disappointed by the stinginess 
of her father, who refused to part with a 
shilling to promote tho match ; for which 
reason tho young lady did not behuve to her 
father with all tho filial veneration tha'j 
might be expected. In particular she har- 
boured tho most perfect hatred for his 
countrymen ; in which disposition she re- 
sembled her mother, who was an Englijh- 
woman ; and by the hints they dropped, I 
learned tho gray mare was tho bettor horso^ 
that she was a matron of a high spirit, which 
was often manifested at tho expense of her 
dependents ; that she loved diversions, and 
looked upon miss as her rival iu all parties — 
which was indeed the true cause of her dis- 
appointments ; for had tho mother been 
hearty in her interest, tho father would not 
have ventured to refuse her demands. Over 
and above this intelligence, I, of myself, soon 
made more discoveries. Mr. Lavement's 
significant grins at his wife, while she looked 
another way, convinced me that ho was not 
at all content with his lot ; and his behaviour 
in presence of tho captain made mo believe 
his chief torment was jealousy. As for my 
own part, I was considered in no other light 
than that of a menial servant, and had been 
alreafly six days in tho house without being 
honoured with one word from either mother 
or daughter; tho latter (as I imderstood from 
the maids) having at table one day expressed 
some surprise that her papa should entertain 
such an awkward mean-looking journeynnm. 
I was nettled at this piece of information, 
and next Sunday (it being my turn to take 
my diversion), dressed myself in my now 
clothes to tho greatest advantage, and, vanity 
apart, made no contemptible figure. 

After having spent most part of tho day in 
company with Strap and some of his acquai^v- 
tance, I came home in the afternoon, and was 
let in by miss, who not knowmg me, dropped 
alow courtsey as I advanced, which I returned 
with a profound bow, and shut tho door. Hy 
the time I had turned about, she had per- 
ceived her mistake, and changed colour, but 
did not withdraw. The passage being narrow, 
I could not get away without jolting her ; so 
I was forced to remain where I was with my 
eyes fixed to the ground, and my face glowing 
with blushes. At length, her vanity coming 
to her a.ssistanco, she went away tittering, 
and I could hoar her pronounce the word 
' creature I ' From this day forward, she came 



46 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



into the shop fifty times every day npon vari- 
ous pretences, and put in practice so many 
ridiculous airs, that I could easily perceive 
her opinion of mo was chanifcd, and that she 
did not think me altogether an unworthy 
conquest. But my heart was so steeled 
against her charms by pride and resentment, 
Avhich were two chief ingredients in my dis- 
position, that I remained insensible to all her 
arts ; and notwithstanding some advances she 
made, could not be prevailed upon to yield 
her the least attention. This neglect soon 
banished all the favourable impressions she 
felt for me, and the rage of a slighted woman 
took place in her heart ; this she manifested 
not only in all the suggestions her malice 
could invent to my prejudice with her father, 
but also in procuring for me such servile 
employments as she hoped would sufficiently 
humble my spirit. One day in particular, she 
ordered me to brush my master's coat ; but I 
refusing, a smart dialogue ensued, which 
ended in her bursting into tears of rage ; 
when her mother interposing, and examining 
into the merits of the cause, determined it in 
my favour : and this good office I owed not 
to any esteem or consideration she had for 
me, but solely to the desire of mortifying 
her daughter, who on this occasion observed, 
that let people be never so much in the right, 
there were some folks who would never do 
them justice, but, to be sure, they had their 
reasons for it, which some people were not 
ignorant of, although they despised their 
litth' arts. This in.«inuation of some people 
and some folks put me upon observing the 
behaviour of my mistress more narrowly for 
the future : and it was not long before I had 
reason to believe that she looked upon her 
daughter a.s a rival in the affections of Captain 
O'Donnell, who lodged in the house. 

In the meantime, my industiy and know- 
ledge gained mo the goodwill of my master, 
who would often say in French, ' Manhj ! 
cesf un bon garc^on.' He had a great deal of 
business ; but as ho was mostly employed 
among his fellow refugees, his profits were 
small. However, his expense for medicines 
was not great ; for he was the most expert 
man at a succedaneum of any apothecary 
in London, so that I have been sometimes 
amazed to see him, without the least hesi- 
tation, make up a physician's prescription, 
though he had not in his shop one medicine 
mentioned in it. Oyster-shells ho could con- 
vert into crab's eyes ; common oil into oil of 
sweet almonds ; syrup of sugar into balsamic 
syrup; Thames water into n<y!trt cinaamoni ; 
and a hundred more costly preparations were 
produced in an instant, from the cheapest and 
coarsest drugs of the materia viedicn : and 
when any common thing was ordered for a 
patient, he always took care to disguise it in 
colour or taste, or both, in such a manner as 
that it could not possibly be known ; for 
which purpose cochineal and oil of cloves 
wore of ffreat service. Mr. Lavement had 



attempted more than once to introduce a 
vegetable diet into his family, by launching 
out into the praise of roots and greens, 
and decrying the use of flesh, both as a 
physician and philosopher ; but all his rhe- 
toric could not make one proselyte to his 
opinion, and even the wife of his bosom 
declared against the proposal. 

One afternoon, when her husband was 
abroad, and her daughter gone to visit, this 
lady ordered me to call a hackney-coach, in 
which she and the captain drove towards 
Covent Garden. Miss came home in the 
evening, and, supping at her usual hour, went 
to bed. About eleven o'clock my master en- 
tered, and asked if his wife was gone to sleep: 
upon which I told him, my mistress went out 
in the afternoon, and was not yet returned. 
This was like a clap of thunder to the poor 
apothecary, who starting back, cried, ' Mort 
de ma I'ie ! vat you tell a me r My vife not at 
home ! ' At that instant a patient's servant 
arrived with a prescription for a draught, 
which my master taking, went into the shop 
to make it up with his own hand. While he 
rubbed the ingredients in a glass mortar, he 
inquired of me whether or no his wife went 
out alone ; and no sooner heard tiiat she was 
in company with the captain, than with ono 
blow he split the mortar into a thousand 
pieces, and grinning like the head of a bass 
viol, exclaimed, ' Ah, traitre.sso ! ' It would 
have been impossible for me to have pre- 
served my gravity a minute longer, when I 
was happily relieved by n rap at the door, 
which 1 opened, and perceived my mistress 
coming out of the coach. She flounced im- 
mediately into the shop, and addrosse<l her 
husband thus : ' I suppose you thought I was 
lost, my dear. Captain ODonnell has boon 
so good as to treat mo with a play.' The re- 
ply, it may be siipposed, was anj-thing but 
courteous; but the captain, who had been all 
the time at the door discharging the coach, 
entered, and Mr. Lavement, changing his tone, 
saluted him with all the usual politesse of a 
Frenchman. 

Shortly after this event, by the knowledge 
which I acquired of the family secrets, my 
life became much more agreeable ; and as I 
cverj' day improved in my knowle<lge of the 
town, I sho'ik off my awkward air by degrees, 
and acquired the character of o polite jour- 
neyman apothecary. 



CHAPTER XX. 

lam assaulted and dangerously icounrlcd — 
suspect O'Donnell, and am cojxjirmrd in my 
opinion — concert a scheme of revenge, and 
put it in execution — O'Donnell rnhs hia oum 
seii'ant, and disappears — make my ad- 
dresses 1o a lady, nnd am viiraculousl/y 
delivered from her snare. 

ONE night, about twelve o'clock, ns I re- 
turned from visiting a pal icnt at Chelsea, 
I received a blow oa my head from au unseen 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



47 



hand, that stretched me senseless on the 
ground ; and wjia left for desid with three 
stabs of a sword in my h>dy. The ^oans I 
utterol when I recovered the nso of my 
reason ahirmod the people of a solitary ale- 
house that stood near the spot where I lay : 
and they were humane enough to take me in, 
and send for a surgeon, who dressed my 
wounds, and assured me they were not mortal. 
One of them penetrated through the skin and 
muscles of one side of my belly in such a 
manner, that doubtless the asstissin imagined 
he had run me through the entrails. Tne 
second slanted along one of my ribs ; and the 
last, which was intended for the finishing 
stroke, having been directed to my heart, t:ie 
sword snapped upon my breast-bone, and the 
point remained sticking in the skin. When 
I reflected upon this event, I could not per- 
suade myself that I had been assaulted by a 
common footpad, because it is not usual for 
such people to murder those they rob, es- 
pecially when they meet with no resistance ; 
and I found my money, and everj'thing else 
about me but my carcase, safe. I concluded, 
therefore, that I must either have been mis- 
taken for another, or obliged to the private 
resentment of some secret enemy for what 
had happened ; and as I could remember no- 
body who had the least cause of complaint 
against me, except Captain O'DonneU and 
my master's daughter, my suspicion settled 
upon them, though I took care to conceal 
it, that I might the sooner arrive at con- 
firmation. 

With this view, I went home in the chair 
about ten o'clock in the morning ; and as the 
chairman supported me into the house, met 
the captain in the passage, who no sooner saw 
mo than he started back and gave evident 
signs of guilty confusion, which he would 
have accounted for from surprise occasioned 
by the seeing mo in such a condition. My 
master having heard ray story, condoled me 
with a good deal of sympathy, and when he 
understood my wounds were not dangerous, 
ordered mo to be carried upstairs to bed ; 
though not without somo opposition from his 
wife, who was of opinion that it would bo 
bettor for mo to go to an hospital, where I 
should be more carefully attended. My me<ii- 
tation wjis employed in concerting with my- 
self some method of revenge against Squiro 
O'DonneU and his inamorata, whom I looked 
upon lus the author of my misfortune ; when 
miss, who was not at home at my arrival, 
entered my chamber, and saying she was sorry 
for the accident that had befallen me, asked 
if I suspected anybody to be the assassin ; 
upon which I fixed my eyes steadfastly upon 
her, and answered, ' Yes.' She discovered no 
symptom of confusion, but replied hastily, ' If 
that be the case, why don't you take out a 
warrant to have him apprehended ? It will 
cost but a trifle — if you have no money, I'll 
lend you.' This frankness not only cured mo 
of my suspicion with respect to her, but oven 



staggered my belief with regard to f ho captain, 
of who^;e guilt 1 resolved to have further proof 
before 1 should eiiterpri.<e anything in the 
way of revenge. I thanked her kindly for 
her generous ott'er, which, however. 1 h:id no 
occasion to accept, being determined to do 
nothing rashly : for though I could plainly 
perceive the person who attacked me to be a 
soldier, whose face I thought was familiar to 
me, I could not swear with a safe conscience 
to any particular man ; and, gnuiting I could, 
my prosecution of him would not much avail. 

This uncertainty I pretended, lest the cap- 
tain, hearing from her that I knew the person 
who wounded me, might think proper to with- 
draw before I coidd be in a condition to re- 
quite him. In two days I was up and able to 
do a little business, so that Mr. Lavement 
made shift to carry on his practice without 
hiring another journeyman in my room. 

The first thing I attempted towards a cer- 
tain discovery of my secret enemy, was to get 
into O'Donnell's apartment, while he was 
abroad in an undress, and examine his sword, 
the point of which being broken off, I applied 
the fragment that was found sticking in my 
body, and fountl it answered the fractured 
part exactly. There was no room left for 
doubt ; and all that remained was to fix upon 
a scheme of revenge, which almost solely en- 
grossed my thoughts during the space of 
eight nights and days. Sometimes I was 
tempted to fall upon him in the same manner 
as he had practised upon me, and kill him 
outright. But this assault my honour opposed 
as a piece of barbarous cowardice, in which 
he was not to be imitated. At other times I 
entertained thoughts of demanding satisfac- 
tion in an honourable way ; but was diverted 
from this undertaking by considering the un- 
certainty of the event, and the nature of tho 
injury he had done me, which did not entitle 
him to such easy terms. At last I deter- 
minetl to pursue a middle course, and actually 
put my design in execution after this manner. 
Ha^nng secured the assistance of Strap and 
two of his acquaintance whom he could de- 
pond upon, wo provided ourselves with dis- 
guises, and I caused the following letter to 
be delivered to him by one of our associates 
in livery, one Sunday evening : — 

'Sir — If I may be allowed to judge from 
appearance, it will not be disagreeable for 
you to hear that my husband is gone to 
Bagshot to visit a patient, and will not 
return till to-morrow night ; so that, if you 
have anything to propose to me (as your 
behaviour on many occasions has seemed to 
insinuate), you will do well to embrace tho 
present opportunity of seeing. Yours, &c.' 

This letter was signed with tho name of an 
apothecary's wife who lived in Chelsea, of 
whom I had heard O'DonneU was an ad- 
mirer. Everything succeeded to oit wish. 
The hero hastened towards the place of 
a]ipointmcnt, and Avas encountered by us in 
the very place where he bad assaulted m9. 



48 



RODERICK random: 



We rushed upon him all nt once, secured his 
sword, stripped off his clothes even to the 
skin, ■which was scourged with nettles till he 
was blistered from head to foot, notwith- 
standing all the eloquence of his tears and 
supplications. When I was satisfied with 
the .-itripes I had bestowed, we carried off his 
clothes, which we hid in a hedge near the 
place, and left him stark naked to find his 
way home in the best manner ho could, while . 
I took care to be there before him. I after- 
wards understood that, in his way to the 
lodgings of a friend, who lived in the skirts of 
the toA\Ti. he was picked up by the watch, 
who carried him to the round-house, from 
whence he sent for clothes to his lodgings, and 
next morning arrived at the door in a chair, 
wrapt up in a blanket he had borrowed ; for 
his body was so sore and swelled, that ho 
could not boar to be confined in his wearing 
apparel. He wa.s treated with the utmost 
tenderness by my mistress and her daughter, 
who vied with each other in their care and 
attendance of him ; but Lavement himself 
could not forbear expressing his joy, by 
several malicious grins, while he ordered meto 
prepare animgucnt forhiasores. Asto myself, 
nobody can doubt my gratification, when I 
had every day an opportunity of seeing my 
revenge protracted on the body of my ad- 
versary, by the ulcers of which I had been 
the cause ; and, indeed, I not only cnjoved 
tlio satisfaction of having flea'd him alive, 
but another also which I had not foreseen. 
The story of his being attacked and stripped 
in such a place having been inserted in the 
news, gave information to those who found 
his clothes next day, whither to bring them ; 
and accordingly he retrieved everj-thing he 
had lost except a few letters, among which 
was that which I had writ to him in the name 
of the apothecary's wife. 'ITiis, and the 
others, whioh were all on the subject of love 
(for this Hibernian hero was one of those 
people who are called fortune-hunters), fell 
int<i the liands of a certain female author, 
famous for the scandal she has published ; 
who, after having embellished them with some 
ornaments of her own invention, gave them 
to the to.\n in print. I was very much 
shocked on reflection, that I might possibly 
be the occasion of a whole family's unhap- 
piness on account of the letter I had written ; 
but was eased of that apprehension, when I 
understood that the Chelsea apothecary had 
commenced a lawsuit against the printer for 
defamation, and looked upon the wholo as a 
piece of forgery committed by the author, 
who had disappeared. But whatever might 
be his opinion of the matter, our two ladies 
seemed to entertain a different idea oi it : for 
as soon as the pamphlet appeared, I could 
perceive their care of their patient con- 
siderably diminish, till at last it ended in a 
total neglect. It was impossible for him to 
be ignorant of this change, any more than of 
the occasion of it ; but as ho was conscious 



to himself of having deserved worse than con- 
tempt at their hands, he was glad to come off 
so cheaply, and contented himself with mut- 
tering curses and threats against the apothe- 
cary, who, as he imagined, having got an 
inkling of the appointment with his wife, had 
taken revenge of him in the manner de- 
scribed. By the time he had got anew scarf skin, 
his character was become so notorious, that ho 
thought it high time for him todecami) ; and 
his retreat lie performed in one night, without 
beat of drum, after having robbed his own 
servant of everything that belonged to him 
except the clothes he had on his back. 

A few days after he disappeared, Mr. Lave- 
ment, for his own security, took into his 
custody a large old trunk which he had left ; 
and as it was very heavy, made no question 
that the contents were sufficient to indemnify 
him for what O'Donnell owed in loilging. But 
a month being elapsed without hearing any 
tidings of this adventurer, and my m.-vstei* 
being impatient to know what the trunk con- 
tained, he ordered mo to break it open in his 
presence, which task I performed with the 

Eestlo of our great mortar, and discovered, to 
is inexpressible astonishment and mortifi- 
cation, a heap of stones. 

About this time, my friend Strap informed 
me of an offer ho had to go abroad with a 
gentleman in quality of valet ile chamhre, 
and at the same time assured me, that, what- 
ever advantage he might propose to himself 
from this prospect, ho could not bear the 
thoughts of parting from mo, so much was ho 
attached to my fortune. In spite of all tho 
obligations I owed to this poor, honest fellow, 
ingratitude is so natural to the heart of man, 
that I began to be tired of his acquaintance : 
and now that I had contracted other friend- 
ships which appeared more creditable, was 
even ashamed to see a journeyman barber in- 
quiring after me with the familiarity of a 
companion. I therefore, on pretence of con- 
sulting his welfare, insisted upon his accept- 
ing the proposal, which he at last determined 
to embrace, with great reluctance ; and in a 
few days, took his leave of me, shedding a 
flood of tears, which I could not behold with- 
out emotion. I now began to look upon 
mj'solf as a gentleman in reality; learned to 
(lance ; frecjuented plays during the holidays; 
became the oracle of an ale-house, where every 
dispute was referred to my decision ; and at 
length contracted an acquaintance with a 
young lady, who found means to make a con- 
quest of my heart, and upon whom I pre- 
vailed, after much attendance and solicita- 
tion, to give me a promise of marriage. As 
this beautiful creature passed for a rich 
heiress, I blessed my good fortune, and was 
actually on the point of crowning all ray 
wishes by matrimony, when I ma<:le such a 
discovery as effectually turned me from my 
design, and I abandoned all thoughts of mar- 
riage for the future. 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



'iO 



CHAPTER XXI. 

Sqnire Gaxrhj comes to lodge %cith my master 
— is inrolvrd in a trouhh:some affair, out of 
u-hich he is extricated h^j mc — he marnes 
viy mn st er' s daughter — tlicy eoii^pirc against 
me — / am found guilty of theft, and dis- 
charged — deserted by vvy fi-icnds, I hire a 
room in St. Giles's — where, by accident, I 
find thclady to vhom I paid my addresses 
in a mise'able condition — I relieve her. 

WHEN I enjoyed myself at largo in this 
temper of mind, Mr. Lavement let his 
first floor to my countryman and acquaint- 
ance, Squire Gawky, who by this time had 
got a lieutenancy in the army, and such a 
martial ferocity in his appearance, tliat I was 
afraid ho would remember what liappened be- 
tween us in Scotland, and atone for his breach 
of appointment then by his punctuality now ; 
but whether ho had actually forpot me, or was 
willing to make mo bclicvo so, ho betrayed 
not tho least symptom of recognition at sight 
of me, and I remainwl quite cured of my ap- 
prehension ; though I had occasion not long 
after to be conyinced, that howsoever his ex- 
ternals might be altered, he was at bottom 
the same individual Gawkj', whom I have al- 
ready described. For coming home late one 
night from tho house of a patient, I heard a 
noise in tho street, and as 1 approached, per- 
ceived two gentlemen in cu.stody of threo 
watchmen. The prisoners, who were miser- 
ably disfigurc<l with dirt, complained bitterly 
of the loss of their hats and wigs ; and one of 
them, whom by his tongue, I knew to bo a 
Scotchman, lamented mo.^t pitonu.'sly, oflFering 
a guinea for his liberty, which tho watchman 
refusetl, alleging that ono of his companions 
was wounded grievouslj", and that ho must 
stand to tho consequence. My prejudice in 
favour of my native country was so strong, 
that I could not bear to see anybody belong- 
ing to it in distress, and therefore, with one 
blow of my faithful cudgel, knocked down the 
watchman who had hold of tho person for 
whom I was chiefly concerned. Ho wa.s no 
Booner disengaged, than he betook himself to 
his heels, and left mo to maintain the dispute 
as I should think proper; and, indeed, I came 
off but scurvily, for, before I could avail my- 
self of my speed, I received a blow on the 
eye, from one of the other two, that had well 
nigh deprived mo of tho use of that organ. 
However, I made shift to get home, where I 
was informed of Captain Gawky's being rob- 
bed and abused by a company of footpads, 
and wivs ordered by my master to prepare an 
emollient glyster and paregoric draught, in 
order to allay and compose the ferment of his 
spirits, occasioned by the barbarous treatment 
he harl undergone, while he took twelve 
ounces of blood from him immediately. 

When I inquired into the particulars of this 
adventure, and understood by the servant 
that he came in just before me, without hat 
and wig, I made no scruple of believing him 



to be tho person I had released, and was con- 
firmed in my belief upon hearing his voice, 
to which (before that event) I had been so 
long a stranger. 

My eye being considerably swelled and in- 
flamed, I could not reflect upon my enter- 
prise without cursing my own folly, and even 
resolving to declare the truth of tho whole 
story, in order to bo revenged on the cowardly 
wretch for whom I had sulfered : accordingly, 
next da.v after he had told, in presence of my 
master, his wife and daughter, who came to 
visit him, a thousand lies concerning the 
prowess he had shown in making his escape, 
I ventured to explain the mystery, and, call- 
ing in the evidence of my contused eye, up- 
braided him with cowardice and ingratitude. 
Gawky was so astonished at this discourse, 
that he could not answer one wonl, and tho 
rest of the company stared at one another ; 
till at length my mistress reprimanded me for 
my insolent behaviour, and threatened to 
turn mo away for my presumption. Upon 
which. Gawky (having recollected himself) 
observed, as the young man might have mis- 
taken another person for him, ho could for- 
give his insinuations, more especially as ho 
seemed to have suffered for his civility ; but 
advised me to bo more certain in my con- 
jectures for tho future, before I ventured to 
publish them to the prejudice of any man. 
Miss applauded the Captain's generosity in 
pardoning one who had so villanously as- 
persed him, and I began to imagine her praise 
was not at all disinterested. But tho apothe- 
cary, who perhaps had more penetration or 
less partiality than his wife and daughter, 
differed from them in their sentiments of tho 
matter, and expressed himself to me in tho 
shop in this manner : ' Ah mon pan v re Ro- 
denque ! you have more of do veracite dan of | 
do prudence — bot mine vife and dater be 
diablement sage, and Monsieur le Capitaine 
un fanfaron, pardieu!' 

This eulogium on his wife and daughter, 
though spoken ironically by him, was never- 
theless literally just; by espousing tho cause 
of Gawky, the ono obliged a valuable lodger, 
and tho other acquired a husband at a junc- 
ture when one was absolutely necessary. Tho 
young lady insinuated herself so artfully into 
tho a8"ection of this new lodger, that in less 
than a fortnight, on pretence of going to tho 
play, they drove away together to tho Fleet, 
where they were married ; and in the morning 
came homo, where they asked her father's 
and mother's blessing. The prudent parents, 
notwithstanding the precipitation with which 
tho match was earned on, did not think 
fit to refuse their approbation ; for the apo- 
thecary was not ill pleased to find his 
daughter married to a young man of a good 
prospect, who had not mentioned one syllable 
on the article of her dowry ; and his wife was 
rejoiced at being rid of a rival and a spy upon 
her. Whatever face Gawky put on the matter, 
my discovery of the adventure before related, 



50 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



and the reproaches I vented against him, had 
stung him to the soul, and cherished the 
seeds of enmity so strongly in his breast, 
that he imparted his indignation to his wife, 
Avho being as desirous as himself to accom- 
plish the ruin of one that not only slighted 
her caresses, but "was able on any occasion to 
discover particulars not at all advantageous to 
her character, readily joined in a conspiracy 
against me, which (had it taken effect as they 
expected) would infallibly have brought me 
to an ignominious death. 

My master having several times missed 
large quantities of medicines, of which I could 
give no account, at last lost all patience, and 
in plain terms taxed me with having embezzled 
them for my own use. As I could only op- 
pose my single asseveration to his suspicion, 
he told me one day, ' Your vord not be give 
me de satisfaction— me find necessaire to 
chercher for my medicine ; pardonnez moi — 
il faut chercher — me demand le clef of your 
coffre a cette heure.' Tlien raising his voice 
to conceal the fright be was in lest T should 
make any opposition, he went on, ' Oui ! I 
charge you rendez le clef of your coffre— moi 
— si, moi qui vous parle.' I was fired with so 
much resentment and disdain at this accusa- 
tion, that I burst into tears, which he took 
for a sign of guilt ; and pulling out my key, 
told him he might satisfy himself immediately, 
though he would not find it so easy to satisfy 
me for the injury my reputation had suffered 
from his unjust suspicion. He took the key 
and mounted up to my chamber, attended by 
the whole family, saying, ' Eh bien, nous ver- 
rons — nous verrons.' But what was my hor- 
ror and amazement, when, opening my chest, 
he pulled out a handful of the very things 
that were missing, and pronounced, ' Ah, ha , 
vous etes bienvenu — mardy, Mons. Eoderique, 
you be fort innocent !' I had not power to 
utter one word in my own vindication, but 
stood motionless and silent, while everybody 
present made their respective remarks on 
what appeared against me. The servants 
said they were sorry for my misfortune, and 
went away repeating ' Who would have 
thought it ?' My mistress took occasion 
from this detection to rail against the prac- 
tice of employing strangers in general ; and 
Mrs. Gawky, after having observed that she 
never had a good opinion of my fidelity, pro- 
posed to have me carried before the justice, 
and committed to Newgate immediately. 
Her husband was actually upon the stairs in 
his way for a constable, when Mr. Lavement 
knowing the cost and trouble of a prosecution 
to which he must bind himself, and at the same 
time dreading lest some particulars of my 
confession might affect his practice, called 
out. ' Restez, mon fils ! restez, it be veritable- 
ment one grand crime which dis pauvre diable 
have committed— bot peut-etre de good God 
give him de penitence, and me vill not have 
upon mine head de blood of one sinner.' The 
captain and hia lady used all the Christian 



arguments their zeal could suggest to prevail 
upon the apothecary to pursue me to destruc- 
tion, and represented the injustice he did to 
the community of which he was a member, in 
letting a villain escape, who would not fail of 
doing more mischief in the world when he 
should reflect on his coming off so easily 
now ; but their eloquence made no impression 
on my master, who turning to me said, ' Go, 
miserable, go from mine house quick, quick ! 
— and make reparation for your mauvaiso ac- 
tions.' By this time my indignation had 
roused me from the stupefaction in which I 
had hitherto remained, and I began in this 
manner : — ' Sir, appearances I own condemn 
me ; but you are imposed upon as much as I 
am abused : I have fallen a sacrifice to the 
rancour of that scoundrel' (pointing to 
Gawky,) 'who has found means to convey 
your goods hither, that the detection of them 
might blast my reputation, and accomplish 
my destruction. His hatred to me is owing 
to a consciousness of his having wronged me 
in my own country — for which injury he, in 
a cowardly manner refused me the satisfac- 
tion of a gentleman ; he knows, moreover, 
that I am no stranger to his dastardly be- 
haviour in this town, which I have recounted 
before, and he is unwilling that such a testi- 
mony of his ingratitude and pusillanimity 
should live upon the earth ; for this reason 
he is guilty of the most infernal malice to 
bring about my ruin. And I am afraid, 
madam (turning to Mrs. Gawky,) you have 
too easily entered into the sentiments of your 
husband. I have often found you my enemy, 
and am well acquainted with the occasion of 
your being so, which I don't at ijresent think 
proper to declare ; but I would advise you, 
for your own sake, not to drive me to ex- 
tremity.' This address enraged her so much, 
that with a face as red as scarlet, and the eyes 
of a fury, she strutted up to me, and putting 
her hands in her sides, spat in my face, say- 
ing, I was a scandalous villain, but she defied 
my malice ; and that unless her papa would 
prosecute me like a thief as I was, she would 
not stay another night under his roof. At 
the same time. Gawky assuming a big 
look, told me, he scorned what lies I could 
invent against him; but that, if I pre- 
tended to asperse his wife, he would put 
mo to death. To this threat I answered, 
' I wish I could meet with thee in a de- 
sort, that I might have an opportunity of 
punishing thee for thy perfidy towards me, 
and rid the world of such a rascal. What 
hinders me this moment,' said I, seizing an 
old bottle that stood by, ' from doing myself 
that justice ?' I had no sooner armed myself 
in this manner, than Gawky and his father- 
in-law retired in such a hurry, that the one 
overturned the other, and they rolled together 
down stairs, while my mistress swooned away 
with fear, and her daughter asked if I in- 
tended to murder her. I gave her to under- 
stand, that nothing was farther from my 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



51 



intention, that I would leave her to the stings 
of her own conscience ; but was firmly re- 
solved to slit her husband's nose, whenever 
fortune should offer a convenient opportu- 
nity. Then going down stairs, I met Lave- 
ment coming up trembling with the pestle in 
his hand, and Gawky behind armed with his 
sword, pushing him forward. I demanded a 
parley : and having assured him of my pa- 
cific disposition, Gawky exclaimed, ' Ah, 
villain ! you have killed my dear wife.' And 
the apothecary cried, ' Ah, coquin ! vere is 
my shild ?' ' The lady,' said I, ' is above 
stairs, unhurt by me, and will, a few months 
hence, 1 believe reward your concern.' Here 
she called to them, and desired they would 
let the wretch go, and trouble themselves no 
further about him. To which request her 
father consented, observing, nevertheless, 
that my conversation was ' very mysterious.' 

Finding it impossible to vindicate my in- 
nocence, I left the house immediately, and 
went to the schoolmaster, with an intention 
of clearing myself to hmi, and asking his ad- 
vice with regard to my future conduct; but, 
to my inexpressible vexation, he was gone to 
the country, where he would stay two or 
three days. I returned with a design of con- 
sulting some acquaintance I had acquired in 
the neighbourhood ; but my story had taken 
air through the officionsness of the servants, 
and not one of my friends would vouchsafe 
me a hearing. Thus I found myself, by the 
iniquity of mankind, in a much more deplo- 
rable condition than ever : for though I had 
been formerly as poor, my reputation was 
without blemish, and my health unimpaired 
till now ; but at present my good name was 
lost, my money gone, my frien^ls were alien- 
ated, my body was infected by an odious dis- 
temper ; and my faithful Strap, who alone 
could yield me pity and assistance, absent I 
knew not where. 

The first resolution I could take in this 
melancholy conjuncture, was to remove my 
clothes to the house of the person with whom 
I had formerly lodged, where I remained two 
days in hopes of getting another place by the 
interest of Mr. Concordance, to whom I 
made no doubt of being able to vindicate my 
character ; but in this supposition I reckoned 
without my host, for Lavement took care to 
be beforehand with me ; and when I attempted 
to explain the whole affair to the schoolmas- 
ter, I found him so prepossessed against me, 
that he would scarce hear me to an end ; but 
when I had finished my justification, shook 
his head, and beginning with his usual excla- 
mation said, ' That won't go down with me. 
I am very sorry I should have the misfortune 
of being concerned in the affair, but, how- 
ever, shall be more cautious for the future — 
I will trust no man from henceforward — no, 
not my father who begat me, nor the brother 
who lay with me in my mother's womb : 
should Daniel rise I'rom the dead. I would 



think him an impostor ; and were the genius 
of truth to appear, would question its vera- 
city!' I told him, that one day it was pos- 
sible he might be convinced of the injury I 
had suffered, and repent of his premature 
determination. To which remark he an- 
swered, the proof of my innocence would 
make his bowels vibrate with joy; ' but till 
that shall happen,' continued he, ' I must beg 
to have no manner of connection with you — 
my reputation is at stake. I shall be looked 
upon as your accomplice and abettor — 
people will say Jonathan Wild was but a 
type of me — boys will hoot nt me as I pass 
along; and the cinder-wenches belch forth 
reproaches wafted in a gale impregnated with 
gin : I shall be notorious — the very butt of 
slander, and sink of infamy!' I was not in 
a humour to relish the climax of expressions 
upon which this gentleman valued himself in 
all his discourses ; but, without any ceremony, 
took my leave, cursed with every sentiment 
of horror which my situation could suggest. 
I considered, however, in the intervals of my 
despondence, that I must in some shape suit 
my expense to my calamitous circumstances, 
and with that view hired an apartment in a 
garret near St. Giles's, at the rate of nine- 
pence per week. 

One day, when I sat in this solitary retreat, 
musiag upon the unhappiness of my fate, I 
was alarmed by a groan that issued from a 
chamber contiguous to mine, into which I 
immediately ran, and found a woman stretched 
on a miserable truckle bed, without any visi- 
ble signs of life. Having applied a smelling- 
bottle to her nose, the blood began to revisit 
her cheeks, and she opened her eyes; but, good 
heaven ! what were the emotions of my soul, 
when I discovered her to be the same indi- 
vidual lady who had triumphed over my heart, 
and to whose fate I had almost been insepa- 
rably joined ! Her deplorable situation filled 
my breast with compassion. She knew me 
immediately ; and, straining me gently inker 
arms, shed a torrent of tears, which I could 
not help increasing. At length, casting a 
languishing look at me, she pronounced with 
a feeble voice, 'Dear Mr. Eandom, I do not 
deserve this concern at your hands. I am a 
vile creature, who had a base design upon 
your person — suffer me to expiate that", and all 
my other crimes, by a miserable death, which 
wiU not fail to overtake me in a few hours.' 
I encouraged her as much as I could, told her 
I forgave aU her intentions with regard to me ; 
and that, although my circumstances were 
extremely low, I would share my last farthing 
with her. I begged in the meantime to know 
the immediate cause of that fit from which 
she had just recovered, and said, I would en- 
deavour by my skill to prevent any more such 
attacks. She seemed very much affected with 
this expression, took my hand, and pressed it 
to her lijDS, saying, ' You are too generous ! I 
wish I could live to express my gratitude — 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



but alas I I perish for want.' Then shutting 
her eyes, she relapsed into another swoon. 
Such extremity of distress must have waked 
the most obdurate heart to sympathy and 
compassion ; what effect then must it have 
had on mine, that was naturally prone to 
every tender passion ? I ran downstairs, and 
sent my landlady to a chepiist's shop for some 
cinnamon water, while I, returning to this 
unfortunate creature's chamber, used all the 
means in my power to bring her to herself ; 
this aim with much difficulty I accomplished, 
and made her drink a glass of the cordial to 
recruit her spirits : then I prepared a little 
mulled red wine and a toast, which having 
taken, she found herself thorouglily revived, 
and informed me, that she had not tasted food 
for eight and forty hours before. As I was 
impatient to know the occasion and nature of 
her calamity, she gave me to understand, that 
she was a woman of the town by profession ; 
that in the course of her adventures she found 
herself dangerously infected with a distem- 
per, to which all of her class are particularly 
subject ; that her malady gaining ground 
every day, she became loathsome to herself, 
and offensive to others : when she resolved to 
retire to some obscure corner, where she might 
be cured with as little noise and expense as 
possible ; that she had accordingly chosen 
this ])laco of retreat, and jiut herself into the 
hands of an advertising doctor, who having 
fleeced her of all the money she had, or could 
procure, left her three days ago in a worse 
condition than that in which ho found her ; 
that except the clothes on her back, she had 
pawned or sold everything that belonged to 
her to satisfy that rapacious quack, and quiet 
the clamour of her landlady, who still persisted 
in lier threats to turn her out into the street. 
After having moralised upon these particu- 
lars, I proposed that she should lodge in the 
same room with me, an expedient that would 
save some money : and assured her, I would 
undertake to cure her as well as my own, dur- 
ing which she should partake of all the con- 
veniences that I could afford to myself. She 
embraced my offer with unfeigned acknow- 
ledgment, and I began to put it in practice 
immediately. I found her not only an agree- 
able companion, whoso conversation greatly 
alleviated my chagrin, but also a careful 
nurse, who served me with the utmost fide- 
lity and affection. One day, while I testified 
my surprise that a woman of her beauty, good 
sense, and education (for she had a large por- 
tion of each), could be reduced to such an 
infamous and miserable way of life, she an- 
swered with a .sigh, ' These very advantages 
were the cause of my undoing.' This remark- 
able reply inflamed my curiosity to such a de- 
gree, that I begged she would favour me with 
the particulars of her story, and she complied 
in those words. 



CHAPTER XXII. 
The History of Miss Williams, 

' lyr Y father was an eminent merchant in the 
ItJ. city, who having, in the course of 
trade, suffered very considerable losses, re- 
tired in his old age with his Avife to a small 
estate in the country, which he had purchased 
with the remains of his fortune. At that time, 
I being but eight years of age, was left in town 
for the convenience of education, boarded with 
an aunt, who was a rigid presbyterian, and 
confined me so closeh' to what she called the 
duties of religion, that in time I grew weary 
of her doctrines, and by degrees conceived an 
aversion for the good books she daily recom- 
mended to my perusal. As I increased in age, 
and appeared with a person not disagreeable, 
I contracted a good de.al of acquaintance 
among my own sex ; one of whom, after hav- 
ing lamented the restraint I was under from 
the narrowness of my aunt's sentiments, told 
me T must now throw otf the prejudices of 
opinion imbibed under her influence and ex- 
ample, and learn to think for myself; for 
which purpose she atlvised me to read Shafts- 
bury, Tindal, Hobbes, and all the authors that 
arc remarkable for their deviation from the 
old way of thinking, and by comparing one 
with the other, I should soon bo aide to form 
a system of my own. I followed her advice ; 
and whether it was owing to my preposses- 
sion against what I had formerly read, or tho 
clearness of argument in these my new in- 
structors, I know not ; but I studied them 
with pleasure, and in a short time became a 
professed freethinker. Proud of my new im- 
provement, I argued in all companies, and 
that with such success, that I soon acquired 
the rcputation-of a philosopher, and few peo- 
ple durst undertake me in a dLspute. I grew 
vain upon my good fortune, and at length 
pretended to make my aunt a proselyte to my 
opinion ; but she no sooner perceived my 
drift, than, taking the alarm, she wrote to my 
father an account of my heresy, and conjured 
him, as he tendered tho good of my soul, to 
remove me immediately from the dangerous 
place where I had contracted such sinful prin- 
ciples. Accordingly, my father ordered mo 
into tho country, where I arrived in tho fif- 
teenth year of my age, and, by his command, 
gave him a detail of all thoarticlesof my faith, 
which he did not find so unreasonable as thoy 
had been represented. Finding myself sud- 
denly deprived of the company and pleasures 
ofthetown, I grew mclancnoly, and it was 
some time before I could relish my situation. 
But solitude became every day more and 
more familiar to me, and I consoled myself 
in my retreat with the enjoyment of a good 
library, at such times as wore not employed 
in the management of the family (for my 
mother had been dead three years), in visiting, 
or some other party of rural diversion. Hav- 
ing more imagination than judgment, I ad- 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



dieted myself too much to poetry and romance; 
and, in short, was looked upon as a very 
extraordinary person by everybody in the 
country where I resided. 

' I had one evening strayed, with a book 
in my hand, into a wood that bordered 
on the high road, at a little distance from my 
father's house, when a certain drunken squire, 
riding by, perc:ived me, and crying, *' Holloa, 
there's a charming creature ! " alighted in a 
moment, caught me in his arms, and treated 
mo so rudely, that I shrieked as loud as I 
could, and in the meantime opposed his 
violence with all the strength that rage and 
resentment could inspire. Duringthis struggle, 
another horseman came up, who, seeing a 
lady so unworthily used, dismounted, and 
flew to ray assistance. The squire, mad with 
disappointment, or provoked with the re- 
proaches of the other gentleman, quitted me, 
and, running to his horse, drew a j)istol from 
the saddle, and fired it at my protector, who 
happily receiving no damage, went up, and, 
with the butt-end of his whip laid him pros- 
trate on the ground before ho could use the 
other, which his antagonist immediately seized, 
and, clapping to the squire's breast threatened 
to put him to death for his cowardice and 
treachery. In this dilemma I interposed 
and begged his life, which was granted to my 
request, after ho had asked pardon, and sworo 
his intention was only to obtain a kiss. 
However, my defender thought proper to 
unload the other pistol, and throw away tho 
flints, before ho gave him his liberty. This 
courteous stranger conducted mo home, where 
my father having learned tho signal scrvico 
ho had done me, loaded him with, caresses, 
and insisted on his lodging that night at our 
house. If the obligation ho had conferred 
upon me justly inspired mo with sentiments 
of gratitude, his appearance and conversation 
seemed to entitle him to somewhat more. 
Ho was about tho ago of two-and-twunty, 
among the tallest of tho middle size ; had 
chesnut-coloured hair, which he wore tied 
up in a ribbon ; a liigh i)olished forehead, a 
no.se mclining to the aquiline, lively blue eyes, 
red pouting lips, teeth as white as snow, and 
a certain openness of countenance — but why 
neotl I describe any more particulars of his 
person ? I hope you will do mo the justice to 
believe I do not flatter, when I say he was the 
exact resemblance of j-ou ; and if I had not 
been well acquainted with his family and 
pedigree, I should have made no scruple of 
concluding that you was his brother. Ho 
spoke little, and seemed to have no reserve ; 
for what he said was ingenuous, sensible, and 
uncommon. In short,' said she, bursting into 
tears, ' he was formed for the ruin of our sex. 
His liehaviour was modest and respectful, 
but his looks were so significant, that I could 
easily observe he secretly blessed the occasion 
that introduced him to my acquaintance. We 
learned from his discourse that he was the 
eldest son of a wealthy gentleman in the 



neighbourhood, to whose name wo were no 
strangers — that he had been to visit an 
acquaintance in the country, from whoso 
house he was returning homo, when my 
shrieks brought him to my rescue. 

' All night long my imagination formed a 
thousand ridiculous expectations : there was 
so much of knight-errantry in this gentle- 
man's coming to the relief of a damsel in 
distress, with whom he immediately became 
enamoured, that ail I had read of love and 
chivalry recurred to my fancy ; and I looked 
upon myself as a princess in some region of 
romance, who being delivered from the power 
of some brutal giant or satyr, by a generous 
Oroondates, was bound in gratitude, as well 
as led by inclination, to yield up my affections 
to him without reserve. In vain did I en- 
deavour to chastise these foolish conceits by 
reflections more reasonable and severe : tho 
amusing images took full possession of my 
mind, and my dreams represented my»horo 
sighing at my feet, in tho language of a de- 
spairing lover. Next morning after brcakfa.'-t 
ho took his leave, when my father begged tho 
favour of further acquaintance with him ; to 
which request ho replied by a compliment to 
him, and a look to mo so full of eloquence ami 
tenderness, that my whole soul received tho 
soft impression. In a short time ho re- 
peated his visit; and as a recital of the par- 
ticular steps ho pursued to ruin me would bo 
tedious and imiicrtinent, let it suffice to say, 
ho made it his business to insinuate himself 
into my esteem, by couA-incing mo of his own 
good sense, and at tho same time flatterinj^' 
my understan<ling. This ta.sk ho performcil 
in the most artful manner, by seeming to co: - 
tradict me often through misapprehension, 
that I might have an opportunity of clearing 
myself the more to my own honour. Having; 
thus secured my good opinion, he began to 
give me some tokens of a particular passion, 
founded on a veneration of the qualities of mr 
mind, and, as an accidental ornament, admirod 
the beauties of my person ; till at length, 
being fully persuaded of his conquest, ho 
chose a i)roper season for the theme, and dis- 
closed his love in terms so ardent and sincere, 
that it was impo.ssible for mo to disguise tho 
sentiments of my heart, and he received my 
approbation with the most lively transporl. 
After this mutual declaration, wo contrived 
to meet more frequently in private interviews, 
where we enjoyed tho conversation of ono 
another, in all the elevation of fancy and im- 
patience of hope that reciprocal adoration 
can inspire. Ho professed his honourabla 
intentions, of which I matle no question ; 
lamented the avaricious disposition of hi-; 
father, who had destined him for the arms of 
another; and vowed eternal fidelity with 
such an appearance of candour and devotinii, 
that I became a dupe to his deceit. Cursed 
be the day on which I gave away my inno- 
cence and peace ! Cursed be my beauty tli.it 
first attracted the attention of the seducer ! 



54 



RODERICK random: 



Cursed be my education, that, by refining my 
sentiments, made my heart the more suscep- 
tible ! Cursed be my good sense, that fixed 
me to one object, and taught me the prefe- 
rence I enjoyed was but my due ! Had I been 
ugly, nobody would have tempted me ; had I 
been ignorant, the charms of my person would 
not have atoned for the coarseness of my 
conversation ; had I been giddy, my vanity 
would have divided my inclinations, and my 
ideas would have been so difi'used, that I 
should never have listened to the enchant- 
ments of one alone. 

' But to return to my unfortunate story. 
After some months, the visits of my lover be- 
came less frequent, and his behaviour less 
warm: I perceived his coldness, my heart 
took the alarm, my tears reproached him, 
and I insisted upon the performance of his 
promise to espouse me, that, whatever 
should happen, my reputation might bo 
safe. He seemed to acquiesce in my pro- 
posal, and left me on pretence of finding a 
proper clergj-man to unite us in the bands of 
wedlock. But alas ! the inconstant had no in- 
tention to return. I waited a whole week 
Avith the utmost impatience ; sometimes 
doubting his honour, at other times invent- 
ing excuses for him, and condemning mj'self 
for harbouring suspicions of his faith. At 
length I understood from a gentleman who 
dinod at our house, that this perfidious wretch 
was on the point of setting out for London 
with his bride, to buy clothes for their ap- 
proaching nuptials. This information dis- 
tracted me ! Rage took possession of my 
soul ; I denounced a thousand imprecations, 
and formed as many schemes of revenjro 
again-t the traitor who hatl luulono me ! 
Then my resentment would subside to silent 
sorrow. I recalled the tranquillity I had 
lost, I wept over my infatuation, and some- 
times a ray of hope would intervene, and for 
n moment cheer my drooping heart ; I would 
revolve all the favourable circumstances of 
his character, repeat the vows ho made, 
ascribe his absence to the vigilance of a sus- 
picious father who compelled liim to a match 
his soul abhorred, and comfort myself with 
the expectation of seeing him before the thing 
shoidd bo brought to any terms of agreement. 
But how vain was my imagination! The 
villain left me without remorse, and in a few 
days the news of his marriage were spread all 
over the country. My horror was then in- 
conceivable ; and had not the desire of revenge 
diverted the resolution, I should infallibly 
have put an end to my miserable life. My 
father observed the sj-mptoms of my despair ; 
and though I have good reason to believe he 
guessed the cause, was at a great deal of 
pains to seem ignorant of my affliction, while 
he endeavoured with parental fondness to 
alleviate my distress. T saw his concern, 
which inoroasod my anguish, and raised my 
fury against the author of my calamity to an 
implacable degree. 



'Having funiished raysoif with a little 
money, I made an elopement from this un- 
happy parent in the night-time, and about 
break of day arrived at a small town, from 
whence a stage coach set out for London, in 
which I embarked, and next day alighted in 
town ; the spirit of revenge having supported 
m« aU the way against every other reflection. 
My first care was to hire a lodging, in which 
I kept myself very retired, having assimied a 
feigned name, that my character and situation 
might be better concealed. It was not long 
before I found out the house of my lover, 
whither I immediately repaired m a transport 
of rage, determined to act some desperate 
deed for the satisfaction of my despair, 
though the hurry of my spirits would not 
permit me to concert or resolve upon a parti- 
cular plan. When I demanded admission to 
Lothario (so let me call him), I was desired to 
send up my name and business ; but this I 
refused, telling the porter I had business for 
his master's private ear; upon which I was 
conducted into a parlour until ho should be 
informed of my request. There I remained 
about a quarter of an hour, when a servant 
entered and told me his master was engaged 
with company, and begged to bo excused at 
that time. My temper could hold out no 
longer: I pulled out a poniard from my 
bosom, where I had concealed it, and rushing 
out, How up stairs like a fury, exclaiming, 
*' Where's thia perfidious villain r could I 
plunge this dagger into his false heart, I 
should then die satisfied I" The noise I made 
alarmed not only the servants, but the com- 
pany also, who hearing my threats came for- 
ward to the staircase to see what was the 
matter. I was seized, disarmed, and with- 
held by two footmen ; and in this situation 
felt the most exquisite torture in beholding 
my undoer approach with liis j'oung wife. I 
could not endure the sight, was deprived of 
my senses, and fell into a severe fit, during 
which I know not how I was treated ; but 
when I recovered the use of reflection, found 
m3-sc'lf on a bed in a paltry apartment, where 
I was attended by an old woman, who asked 
a thousand imi)ertinent questions relating to 
my condition, and informed mo that my be- 
haviour had thro^s-n the whole family into 
confusion ; that Lothario affirmed I was mad, 
and proposed to have mo sent to Bedlam ; 
but my lady persuaded herself there was 
more in my conduct than ho cared should bo 
known, and had taken to her bed on bare 
suspicion, having first ordered that I should 
be narrowly looked to. T hearil all she said 
without making any other reply than desir- 
ing she would do me the favour to call a 
chair; but this she told me could not be done 
without her master's consent, which, liow- 
ever, was easily procured, and I was conveyed 
to my own lodgings in a state of mind that 
bafiles all description. The agitation of my 
thoughts produced a fever, which brought on 
a miscarriage; and I believe it is well lor my 



nCDERICK RAXDOM. 



55 



oonscienco that heaven thus disposed of my 
burden; for let me own to j'ou with penitence 
and horror, if I had brought a living child into 
the world, my frenzy would have prompted 
me to sacrifice the little innocent to my 
resentment of the father's infidelitj*. 

'After this event my rage abated, and my 
hate became more deliberate and calm : when 
one day my landlady informed me that there 
was a gentleman below who desired to see 
me, he having something of consequence to 
icpart, which he was sure would contribute 
to my peace of mind. I was exceedingly 
alarmed at this declaration, which I at- 
tempted to interpret a thousand ways ; and 
before I came to any determination he entered 
my room, with an apology for intruding with- 
out my knowledge or consent. I surveyed 
him some time, and not being able to recol- 
lect his face, demanded, with a faltering ac- 
cent, what his business was with me ? Upon 
which he desired I would give him a particular 
audience, and he did not doubt of communi- 
cating something that would conduce to my 
satisfaction and repose. As I thought myself 
suihcicntly guarded against any violence, I 
granted his request, and bade the woman 
withdraw. The stranger, then advancing, 
gave me to understand that he was well ac- 
quainted with the particulars of my story, 
having been informed of them from Lothario's 
own mouth — that from the time he knew my 
misfortunes he had entertained a detestation 
for the author of them, which had of late been 
increased and inflamed to a desire of revenge, 
by a piece of dishpnourable conduct towards 
him — that hearing of my melancholy situa- 
tion, he had come with an intention of offer- 
ing his assistance and comfort, and was ready 
to espouse my quarrel, and forthwith take 
vengeance on my seducer, provided I would 

rrant him one consideration, which, ho hoped, 
should see no reason to refuse. Had all the 
artifice of hell been employed in composing 
a persuasive, it could not have had a more 
instantaneous or favourable effect than this 
discourse had upon me. I was transported 
with a delirium of gloomy joy. The contract 
was made ; he devoted himself to my revenge, 
undertook to murder Lothario that very night, 
and to bring mo an account of his death be- 
fore morning. Accordingly, about two of the 
clo(!k, he was introduced to my chamber, and 
assured mo that my perfidious lover was no 
more: that although he was not entitled to 
such an honourable proceeding, he had fairly 
challenged him to the field, where he up- 
braided him with his treachery towards me, 
for whom, he told me, his sword was drawn, 
and after a few passes left him weltering in 
his blood. I was so savaged by my wrongs, 
that I delighted in the recital of this adven- 
ture, made him repeat the particulars, and 
feasted my eyes on the blood that remained 
on his clothes and sword. My imagination 
was so engrossed by these ideas, that in my 
sleep I dreamed Lothario aiixieared before roe. 



pale, mangled, and bloody; blamed my rash- 
ness, protested his innocence, and jilcadcd his 
cause so patheticallj', that I was convinced of 
his fidelity, and waked in a fit of horror and 
remorse. I dropped asleep again, and the 
same apparition recurred to my fancy. In 
short, I passed the night in great misery, and 
looked upon my avenger with such abhor- 
rence, that in the morning, perceiving my 
aversion, ho insinuated there was still a pos- 
sibility of Lothario's recovery: it was quite 
true he left him wounded on the ground, but 
not quite dead, and perhaps his hurts might 
not be mortal. At these words I started up, 
bade him fly for intelligence, and if he could 
not bring mo tidings of Lothario's safety, at 
least consult his own, and never return ; for 
I was resolved to surrender myself to justice, 
and declare all I knew of the affair, that, if 
possible, I might expiate my own guilt, by 
incurring the rigours of a sincere repentance 
and ignominious death. He very coolly re- 
presented the unreasonableness of my preju- 
dice against him, who had done nothing but 
what his love of me inspired, and honour jua- 
titied : that now he had, at the risk of his life, 
been subservient to my revenge, I was about 
to discard him as an infamous agent, occasion- 
ally necessary ; and that, even if he should be 
so lucky as to bring news of Lothario's safety, 
it was probable my former resentment might 
revive, and I would upbraid him with having 
failed in his undertaking. I assured him, that 
on the contrary, he should be dearer to me 
than ever, as 1 then should bo convinced he 
acted more on the principles of a man of 
honour than on those of a mercenary assassin, 
and scorned to take away the life of an adver- 
eary, how inveterate soever, which fortune 
had put in his power. " "Well, then, madam," 
said he, " whatever may have happened, I 
shall find it no difficult matter to ac<iuit my- 
self in point of honour ;" and took his leave 
in order to inquire into the consequences of 
his duel. I was now more sensible than ever 
of the degrees of guilt and misery; all the 
affliction I liad sutt'ercd hitherto was owing 
to my own credulity and weakness, and my 
conscience could only accuse me of venial 
crimes; but now that I looked upon myself 
OS a murderer, it is impossible to express the 
terrors of my imagination, which was inces- 
santly haunted by the image of the deceased, 
and my bosom stung with the most exquisite 
agonies, of which I saw no end. At length, 
H ratio (for so I shall call my new friend) 
returned, and telling me I had nothing to fear, 
delivered into my hands a billet containing 
these words . 

" Madam, 

" As I understand it is of consequence to 
your peace, I take this liberty to inform you, 
that the wounds I received from Horatio are 
not mortal. This satisfaction my humanity 
could not deny, even to a person who has en- 
deavoured to disturb the repose as well aa 
destroy the life of " Lothario.' 



50 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



' Being: well acquainted with this hand, I 
had no reason to suspect an imposition in 
this letter, which I read over and over with 
a transport of joy, and caressed Horatio so 
much that he appeared the happiest man 
alive. Thus was I won from despair by the 
menaces of a prreater misfortune than that 
which depressed me. Griefs are like usurpers 
— the most powerful deposes all the rest. 
But my raptures were not lasting : that very 
letter which in a manner re-established my 
tranquillity, in a little time banished my 
peace. His unjust reproaches, while they 
waked my resentment, recalled my former 
happiness, and filled my soul ■with rage and 
sorrow. Horatio, perceiving the situation of 
my mind, endeavoured to divert my chagrin, 
by treating me with all the amusements and 
entertainments of the town. I was gratified 
with every indulgence I could desire ; intro- 
duced into the company of women in my 
own situation, by whom an uncommon defe- 
rence was paid to me ; and I began to lose 
all remembrance of my former condition, 
when an accident brought it back to my 
view with all its interesting circumstances. 
Diverting myself one day with some news- 
papers, which I had not l)cfore perused, 
the following advertisement attracted my 
attention : 

' " Whereas a young gentlewoman disap- 
peared from her father's house, in the county 
of , about the end of September, on ac- 
count (as is supposed) of some uneasiness of 
mind, and has not been as yet heard of. Who- 
ever will give any information about her to 

Mr. of Gray's Inn, shall be handsomely 

rewarded ; or if she will return to the arms 
of her disconsolate parent, she will be re- 
ceived with the utmost tenderness, whatever 
reason she may have to think otherwise, and 
may be the means of prolonging the life 
of a father already weighed down almost to 
the grave with age and sorrow." 

' This pathetic remonstrance had such an 
effect on me, that I was fidly resolved to re- 
turn, like the prodigal son, and implore the 
forgiveness of him who gave me life ; but, 
alas ! upon inquiry, I found he had paid his 
debt to nature a month before, lamenting my 
absence to his last hour, having left his for- 
tune to a stranger, as a mark of his resent- 
ment of my unkind and undutiful behaviour. 
Penetrated with remorse on this occasion, I 
.sank into the most profound melancholy, and 
considered myself as the immediate cause of 
his death. I lost all relish for company ; and, 
indeed, most of my acquaintances no sooner 
perceived my change of temper, than they 
abandoned me. Horatio, disgusted at my 
insensibility, or from some other cause, be- 
came colder and colder every day, till at last 
he left me altogether, without making any 
apology for his conduct, or securing me 
against the miseries of want, as a man of 
honour ought to have done, considering the 
sharo he had in my ruin ; for I afterwards 



learned, that the quarrel between Lothario 
and him was a story trumped up to rid the 
one of my importunities, and give the other 
a recommendation to me, which, it seems, he 
desired, upon seeing me at the house of my 
seducer. Reduced to this extremity, I cursed 
my own simplicity, uttered horrid impreca- 
tions against the treachery of Horatio ; and, 
as I became every day more and more fami- 
liarised to the loss of innocence, resolved to 
be revenged on the sex in general, by pra"- 
tising their own arts upon themselves. Nor 
was an opportunity long wanting: an old 
gentlewoman, under pretence of sympathising, 
visited me, and after having condoled me on 
my misfortunes, and professed a disinterested 
friendship, began to display the art of her 
occupation, in encomiums on my beauty, and 
invectives against the wretch who had for- 
saken me ; insinuating withal, that it would 
be my own fault if I did not still make my 
fortune by the extraordinary qualifications 
with which nature had endowed me. I soon 
understood her drift, and gave her such encou- 
ragement to exjAain herself, that we came to 
an agreement immediately to divide what- 
ever profits might accrue from such gallants 
as she should introduce to my acquain- 
tance. The first stroke of my dissimulation 
was practised upon a certain judge, to 
whom I was recommended by this matron 
as an innocent creature just arrived from tho 
country.' 



CHAPTER XXIII. 

Miss Williams interr\iptcd by a bailiff, who 
carries her to the Marshalsea — I accompany 
her — proi'c she is not the person named in 
the writ— the bailiff is fain to discharge her 
— u-e shift our lodging — her story, and my 
reflections thereupon — progress of a common 
iroman of the toxni — resolves to quit tliat 
way of life. 

HER story was here interrupted by a rap 
at the door, which I no sooner opened, 
than three or four terrible fellows rushed in, 
one of whom accosted my fellow-lodger thus : 
' Madam, your servant — you must do me the 
favour to come along with me ; I have got a 
writ against you.' While tho bailiff (for so he 
was) spoke thus, his followers surrounded the 
prisoner, and began to handle her very 
roughly. This treatment incensed me so 
much, that I snatched np the poker, and 
would certainly have used it in defence of the 
lady, without any regard to the strength and 
number of her adversaries, had she not beg- 
ged me, with a composure of countenance for 
which I could not account, to use no violence 
in her behalf, which could be of no service te 
her, but might be very detrimental to myself. 
Then turning to the leader of this formidable 
troop, she desired to see the writ, and having 
perused it, said with a faltering voice, ' I am 
not the Bcrson whose name is hero in°a« 



RODERICK RAND05T. 



tioncd ; arrest mo at your peril.' ' Ay, ay, 
maclam,' replied the catchpole, ' we shall 
prove your identity. In the meantime, whi- 
ther will you be pleased to be carried, to my 
house, or to jail ? ' ' If I must bo confined,' said 
she, ' I would rather be in your house than 
in a common jail.' ' Well, well,' answered he, 
' if you have money enouph in your pocket, 
you shall be entertained like a princess.' But 
when she acquainted him with her poverty, 
he swore ho never gave credit, and ordered 
one of his myrmidons to call a coach, to carry 
her to the Marshalsea at once. While they 
waited for the convenience, she took me 
aside, and bade me be under no concern on 
her account, for she knew how to extricate 
herself from this difficulty very soon, and 
perhaps gain something by the occasion. Al- 
though her discourse was a mystery to me, I 
was very well pleased with her assurance ; 
and when tho coach came to the door, I 
offered to accompany her to prison, to which 
proposal, after much entreaty, she consented. 
When we arrived at the gate of the Mar- 
shalsea, our conductor alighted, and having 
demanded entrance, presented tho writ to 
the turnkey, who no sooner perceived tho 
name of Elizabeth Gary than he cried, ' Ah, 
ah ! my old acquaintance Bet ! I'm glad to 
see thee with all my heart.' So saying, ho 
opened the coach door, and helped her to dis- 
mount ; but when he observed her face, ho 
started back, saying, ' Who have wo got 
here?" The bailiff, alarmed at this interro- 
gation, cried with some emotion, ' Wlio should 
it bo but tho prisoner, Elizabeth Gary ? ' Tho 
turnkey replied, ' That Elizabeth Gary ! I'll 
bo hanged if that's Elizabeth Gary more than 
my grandmother.' Hero tho lady thought fit 
to interpose, and tell the catchpole, if he had 
taken her word for it at first, ho might have 
saved himself and her a great deal of trouble. 
' It may be so,' answered he, ' but I'll have 
further evidence that you are not tho person, 
before you and I part.' ' Yes, yes,' said she, 
'you shall have further evidence, to your 
cost.' Then wo adjourned into the lodge, 
and called for a bottle of wine, where my 
companion wrote a direction to two of her 
acquaintance, and begged the favour of mo 
to go to their lodgings, and request them to 
come to her immediately. I found them to- 
gether at a house in Brydges Street, Drury 
Lane, and as they were luckily unengaged, 
they set out with me in a hackney-coach 
without hesitation, after I had related the 
circumstances of tho affair, which flattered 
them with hopes of seeing a bailiff troun- 
ced ; for there is an antipathy as natural be- 
tween women of that class and bailiffs, as 
that subsisting between mice and cats. Ac- 
cordingly, when they entered the lodge, they 
embraced the prisoner very affectionately, by 
the name of Nancy Williams, and asked how 
long she had been nabbed, and for what ? On 
hearing tho particulars of her adventure re- 
peated, they offered to swear before a justice 



of peace that sho was not tho person men- 
tioned in tho writ, whom, it seems, they all 
knew ; but the bailiff, who was by this time 
convinced of his mistake, told thorn he would 
not put them to that trouble. ' Ladies,' said 
he, ' there's no harm done — you shall give me 
leave to treat you with another bottle, and 
then we'll part friends.' ' This proposal was 
not at all relished by tho sisterhood ; and 
Miss Williams told him, sure he did not ima- 
gine her such a fool as to be satisfied with a 
paltry glass of sour wine ? Here the turnkey 
interrupted her by affirming with an oatli, 
that tho wino was as good as ever was tipjjed 
over tongue. ' Well,' continued she, ' that 
may bo ; but wore it the best of champagne, 
it is no recompense for tho damage I have 
suffered both in character and health, by 
being wrongfully dragged to jail; at this 
rate, no mnocent person is safe, since an 
officer of justice, out of malice, private pique, 
or mistake, may injure and oppress the sub- 
ject with impunity ; but, thank heaven, I live 
under tho protection of laws that will not 
suffer such insults to pass unpunished, and I 
know very well how to procure redress.' 
Mr. Vulture, for that was tho bailiff's name, 
finding ho had to deal with one who would 
not be imposed upon, began to look very sul- 
len and perplexed, and, leaning his forehead 
on his hand, entered into a deliberation with 
himself, which lasted a few minutes, and then 
broke out in a volley of dreadful curses 
against tho old jade, our landladj', as ho 
called her, for having misinformed him. After 
much wrangling and swearing, tho matter 
was referred to the decision of the turnkey, 
who calling for the other bottle, mulcted tho 
bailiff in all the liquor that had been drunk, 
coach hire, and a couple of guineas for tho 
use of the plaintiff. "The money was imme- 
diately deposited ; Miss Williams gratified 
tho two evidences with one half, and putting 
the other in her pockot, drove home with me, 
leaving the catchpole grumbling over his loss, 
yet pleased in tho main, for having so cheaply 
got clear of a business that might have cost 
him ten times the sum, and his place to boot. 
This guinea was a very seasonable relief to 
us, who were reduced to great necessity, six 
of my shirts, and almost all my clothes, except 
those on my back, having been either pawned 
or sold for our maintenance before this 
happened. As we resented the bchavion ? of 
our landlady, our first care was to proi ido 
ourselves with another lodging, whither -A'o 
removed next day, with an intention to kesji 
ourselves as retired as possible, until o. r 
cure should bo completed. When wo wo: ? 
fixed in our new habitation, I entreated ht • 
to finish the story of her life, which she pur 
sued in this manner : — 

' The success of our experiment on tho 
judge encouraged us to practice the same 
deceit on others ; but this harvest lasted not 
long, my character taking air, and my direc- 
tress deserting me for some new game. Tlicn 



•■^s 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



I took lodgings near Charing-cross, at two 
guineas a week, and began to entertain com- 
pany in a public manner ; but my income 
being too small to defray my expenses, I 
was obliged to retrench, and enter into 
articles with the porters of certain taverns, 
who undertook to find employment enough 
for me, provided I would share my profits 
with them. Accordingly, I was almost every 
night engaged "v^-ith company, among whom 
I was exposed to every mortification, danger, 
and abuse, that flow from drunkenness and 
brutality. As my spirit was not suflaciently 
humbled to the -w-ill, nor my temper calcu- 
lated for the conversation of my gallants, it 
was impossible for me to overcome an aver- 
sion I felt for my profession, which manifested 
itself in a settled gloom on my countenance, 
and disgusted those sons of mirth and riot so 
much, that I was frequently used in a shock- 
ing manner, and kicked down stairs Avith 
disgrace. The messengers, seeing me disa- 
greeable to their benefactors and employers, 
seldom troubled me with a call, and I began 
to find my.self almost totally neglected. 

'To contribute towards my support, I was 
fain to sell my watch, rings, trinkets, -vvith 
the best part of my clothes ; and I was one 
eyening musing by myself on the misery 
before mo, when I received a message from a 
tavern, whither I repaired in a chair, and 
Was introduced to a gentleman dressed like an 
officer, with whom 1 supped in a, sumptuous 
manner. In the morning, when I awoke, I 
found my gallant had got up, and, drawing 
aside the curtain, could not perceive him in 
the room. I waited a full hour for his return, 
and then in the greatest perplexity, rose up 
and rang the bell. "WTien the waiter came to 
the door, he found it locked, and desired atlmit- 
tance, which I granted, after observing, with 
gieat surprise, that the key remained on the in- 
side, as when we went to bod. I no sooner in- 
quired for the captain, than the fellow, staring 
with a distracted look, cried, ' How, madam, 
is ho not a-bed ?' And when he was sati.^fied 
as to that particular, ran into a closet adjoin- 
ing to the chamber, the window of which he 
found open. Through this the adventurer 
had got upon a wall, from whence he dropped 
down into a court and escajied, leaving mc to 
be answerable, not only for the reckoning, 
but also for a large silver tankard and posset- 
bowl, which he had carried off with him. 

' It is impossible to describe the conster- 
nation I was under, when I saw myself de- 
tained as a thief s accomplice ; for I was 
looked upon in that light, and carried before 
a justice, who mistaking my confusion for a 
sign of guilt, committed me, after a short 
examination, to Bridewell, ha^^ng advised me, 
as the only means to save my life, to turn 
evidence, and impeach my confederate. I 
now concluded the vengeance of Heaven had 
overtaken me, and th.-it I must soon finish my 
career by an ignominious death. This re- 
flection sank so deep into my souL that I was 



for some days deprived of my reason, and 
actually believed myself in hell, tormented 
by fiends. Indeed, there needs not a very 
extravagant imagination to form tliat idea ; 
for of all the scenes on earth, that of Bride- 
well approaches nearest the notion I had 
always entertained of the infernal regions. 
Here I saw nothing but rage, anguish and 
impiety, and heard nothing but groans, curses, 
and blasphemy. In the midst of this hellish 
crew, I was subjected to the tjTanny of a 
barbarian, who imposed upon mo tasks that 
I could not possibly perform, and then pun- 
ished my incapacity Avith the utmost rigour 
and inhumanity. I was often whipped into 
a swoon, and lashed out of it, during which 
miserable intervals I was robbed bymyfellow- 
jjrisoners of everything about me, even to my 
cap, shoes, and stockings : I was not only 
destitute of necessaries, out even of food, so 
that my wretchedness was extreme. Not 
one of my acquaintance to whom I imparted 
my situation, would grant mo theleast succour 
or regard, on pretence of my being commit- 
ted for theft ; and my landlord refused to part 
with some of my own clothes which I sent 
for, because I was indebted to him for a 
week's lodgfing. 

' Overwhelmed with calamity, I grow des- 
perate, and rc.«olvcd to put an end to my 
grievances and life together : for this purpose 
I got up in the middle of the night, when I 
thought everybody around mo asleep, am;, 
fixing one end of my handkerchief to a large 
hook in the ceiling, that s«upported the scales 
on which the hemp i.s weighed, I stood upon 
a chair, and making a noose on the other end, 
put my nock into it, with an intention to . 
iuang myself; but before I could adjust the 1 
knot, I was 8nrpri.«!ed and prevented by two ' 
women, wlio hiid been awake all the while, 
and Busiiectod my design. In the morning, 
my attempt was published among the prisoners 
nnd punished with thirty stripes, the pain of 
whicn, co-operating with my disappointment 
And di.-<grace, bereft mo of my senses, and 
throw me into an ocstacy of madness, during 
which I tore the flesh from my bones with my 
teeth, and dashed my heml against the pave- 
ment ; so that they were oViliged to set a 
watch over me, to restrain me from doing 
further mischief to myself and others. This 
fit of frenzy oontinucKl three days, at the end 
of which I grow calm and sullen : but as tho 
desire of making away with myself still re- 
mained, I camo lio ftdetf'rmination of starving 
myself to death, and with that view refused 
all sustenance. 

' WTiether it was owing to the want of 
opposition, or to the weakness of nature, I 
know not : but on the second day of my fast, 
I found mv resolution considerably impaired, 
and the calls of hunger almost insupportable. 
At this critical conjuncture a lady was brought 
into the prison, with whom I had contracted 
an acquaintance while I live<l ■^^•ith Horatio; 
she was then on the same footing aa I wa«. 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



99 



Imt afterwards quaiTclling with her gallant, 
and not finding another to her mind, iute.'ed 
her scheme of life, and set up a cofFee-hoase 
amon? the hundreds of Drury, where she en- 
tertained gentlemen with claret, arrack, and 
the choice of half-a-dozen damsels who lived 
in her house. This servicablo matron having 
ne|,'lccted to gratify a certain justice for the 
connivance she enjoyed, was indicted at the 
quarter sessions, in consequence of which her 
bevy was dispersed, and herself committed to 
Bridewell. She had 'not been long there 
before she learned my disaster, and coming 
up to me, after a compliment of condolence, 
imjuired into the particulars of my fate. 
While we were engaged in discourse together, 
the ma.ster came and told mo, that the fulluw 
on wliose account I had suffered was taken, 
that he had confessed the theft, and cleared 
mo of any concern in the affair ; for which 
reason ho, the master, had orders to dis- 
charge me, and that I was from that moment 
free. 

' This piece of news soon banislied all 
thoughts of death, and had such :ui iiistan- 
tancou-s effect on my countenance, that Mrs. 
Coupler (the lady then present), hoping to 
find her account in mo, very generously offered 
to furnish mo with what necessaries I wanted, 
and take mo into her own house, as soon as 
she could compromise matters ^"ith the jus- 
tices. Tho conditions of her offer were, that 
I should pay three guinotis weekly for my 
board, and a reasonable consideration besides, 
for tho uso of such clothes and omaraouts as 
she should supply mo with, to be deducted 
from tho first i)rotit3 of my occujiation. Tlieso 
were hard terms, but not to bo rejected by 
ono who was turned out helple.-5a and naked 
into tho wide world, without a friend to pity 
or assist her. I therefore embraced hor pro- 
posal, and she beuig bailed in a few hours, 
took me homo with her in a coach. As I was 
by this time conscious of having formerly 
disgusted my afhnirers by my reserved and 
haughty behaviour, I ^ow endeavoured to 
conipier that disposition, anil tho sudden 
chan'j-o of my furtune giving me a flow of 
Bpirti-'^, I appeared in tho most winning and 
gay manner I coidd assume. Having the ad- 
vantafre of a good voice and education, I 
ext'rted my talents to the uttermost, .ind soon 
became the favourite with all company. This 
success alarmed tho ]>ride and jealousy of 
Mrs. Coupler, who could not bear the thcjughts 
of being eclipse<l : she therefore made a 
merit of her envy, and whisjiered among tho 
customers that I was xmsouTid. There needed 
no more to ruin my reputation and blast my 
prosperity; everybody shunned me with 
marks of aversion an<i disdain, and in a very 
short time I was as solitary as ever. . Want 
of gallants was attended with want of money 
to satisfy my malicious landlady, who having 
purposely given me credit to the amount of 
eleven pounds, took out a writ against me, 
and I was arrested in her own house. Though 



tho room was crowded witli people when the 
bailiff entered, not one of them had compassion 
enough to mollify my prosecutrix, far less to 
pay tho debt ; they even laughed at my tears, 
and one of them bade mo bo of good cheer, for 
I should not want admirers in Newgate. 

' At this instant a sea-licutcnant camo in, 
and seeing my plight, began to inquire into 
the circumstancesof my misfortune. "Harkco, 
my girl," he inquired, '" how far have j'ou 
overrun tho constable ? " I told him that the 
debt amounted to cloven pounds, besides tho 
expenses of the writ. " An that bo all," said 
he, " you shan't go to tho bilboes this bout." 
And taking out his purse, he paid tho money, 
discharged tho bailiff, and tolling mo I had 
got into tho wron^ port, advised mo to sock 
out a more convenient harbour, where I could 
be safely hove down ; for which purpose he 
made mo a present of five guineas more. I 
was BO touched with this singular piece of 
generosity, that for some time I had not 
power to thank him. However, as soon as I 
had recollected myself, I begged tho favour of 
him to go with mo to tho ne.xt tavern, where 
I explained tho nature of my disaster, and 
convinced him of tho falsehood of what was 
reported to my prejudice so effectually, that 
he from that moment attached himself to mo, 
and we lived iu groat harmony together, until 
ho was obliged to go to sea, where ho perished 
iu a storm. 

' Having lost my benefactor, and almost con- 
sumed tho remains of his bounty, I saw 
myself in danger of relapsing into my former 
necessity, and began to bo very uneasy at the 
prospect of bailiffs and jails ! when ono of tho 
sisterhood advise<l ^no to take lodgings in a 
part of the town where I was unknown, and 
pass for an heiress, by which artifice I might 
outran somebody to bo my husband, who 
woula possibly bo able to allow mo a hand- 
some maintenance, or at worst screen me 
from tho dread and danger of a prison, by 
becoming liable for whatever dcbti I should 
contract. I approved of this scheme, towards 
tho execution of which my companion clubbed 
her wardrobe, and undertook to live with mo 
in quality of my maid, with tho proviso that 
she should be reimbursed, and handsomely 
considered out of the profits of my success. 
She was immediately detached to look out 
for a convenient place, and that very day 
hired a genteel apartment in Park l.treet, 
whithor I moved in a coach loaded wi i hor 
baggage, and my own. I made my fir. ; ap- 
pearance in a blue riding habit trimmed 7ith 
silver; and my maid acted her part so irt- 
full^-, that in a day or two my fame ^ 'as 
spread all over the neighbourhood, and I M as 
said to be a rich heiress just arrived from t.'o 
country. This report brought a swarm ( f 
gay young fellows about me ; but I sooi' 
found them to be all indigent adventurers 
like myself, who crowded to me like crows to 
a carrion, vfith a view of preying upon my 
fortune. I maintained, however- the a*i)ear- 



60 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



ance of wealth as long as possible, in hopes 
of guimng some admirer more for ray purpose, 
and at length attracted the regard of one who 
would have satisfied my wishes, and managed 
matters so well, that a day was actually fixed 
for our nuptials. In the interim, he begged 
leave to introduce an intimate friend to me, 
which request, as I could not refuse, I had 
the extreme mortification and surprise to see, 
next night, in that friend, my old keeper 
Horatio, who no sooner beheld me than he 
changed colour, but had presence of mind to 
advance and salute me, bidding me (with a 
low voice) be under no apprehension, for he 
would not expose me. In spite of his assurance, 
I could not recover myself so far as to enter- 
tain them, but withdrew to my chamber on 
pretence of a severe headache, to the no small 
concern of my adorer, who took his leave in 
the tenderest manner, and went off with his 
friend. 

' Having imparted my situation to my com- 
panion, she found it high time for us to de- 
camp, and that without any noise, because we 
were not only indebted to our landlady, but 
also to several tradesmen in the neighbour- 
hood. Oar retreat, therefore, was concerted 
and executed in this manner : Having packed 
up all our clothes and moveables in small 
parcels, she (on pretence of fetching cordials 
for me) carried them at several times to the 
house of an acquaintance, where she likewise 
procured a lodging, to which we retired in the 
middle of the night, when every other body 
in the house was asleep. I was now obliged 
to aim at lower game, and accordingly spread 
my nets among tradespeople, but found them 
all too phlegmatic or cautious for my art and 
attractions, till at last I became acquainted 
with you, on whom I practised all my dex- 
terity ; not that I believed you had any for- 
tune, or expectation of one, but that I might 
transfer the burden of such debts as I had in- 
curred, or should contract, from myself to 
another, and at the same time avenge myself 
of your sex, by rendering miserable one who 
bore such resemblance to the wretch who 
ruined me ; but Heaven preserved you from 
my snares by the discovery you made, which 
was owing to the negligence of my maid in 
leaving the chamber-door unlocked when she 
went to buy sugar for breakfast. When I 
found myself detected and forsaken by you, 
I was fain to move my lodging, and dwell 
two pair of stairs higher than before. My 
companion, being disappointed in her expec- 
tations, left me, and I had no other resource 
than to venture forth, like the owls in the 
dark, to pick up a precarious and uncomfor- 
able subsistence. I have often sauntered be- 
tween Ludgate Hill and Charing Cross a whole 
winter night, exposed not only to the incle- 
mency of the weather, but likewise to the 
rage of hunger and thirst, without being so 
happy as to meet with one dupe ; then creep 
up to my garret, in a deplorable draggled 
condition, sneak to bed, and try to bury my 



appetite and sorrows in sleep. When I 
lighted on some rake or tradesman reeling 
home drunk, I frequently suffered the most 
brutal treatment, in spite of which I was 
obliged to affect gaiety and good-humour, 
though my soul was stung with resentment 
and disdain, and my heart loaded with grief 
and affliction. In the course of these noctur- 
nal adventures, I was infected with the dis- 
ease, that in a short time rendered me the 
object of my own abhorrence, and drove me 
to the retreat where your benevolence rescued 
me from the jaws of death.' 

So much candour and good sense appeared 
in this lady's narration, that I made no scruple 
of believing every syllable of what she said, 
and expressed my astonishment at the variety 
of miseries she had undergone in so little 
time, for all her misfortunes had happened 
within the compass of two years ; I compared 
her situation with my own, and found it a 
thousand times more wretched. I had en- 
dured hardships, 'tis true — my whole life had 
been a series of such ; and when I looked for- 
ward, the prospect was not much bettered, 
but then they were become habitual to me, 
and conseqviently I could bear them with less 
difficulty. If one scheme of life should not 
succeed, I could have recourse to another, 
and so to a third, veering about to a thousand 
different shifts, according to the emergencies 
of my fate, without forfeiting the dignity of 
my character beyond a power of retrieving 
it, or subjecting myself wholly to the caprice 
and barbarity of the world. On the other 
hand, she had known and relished the sweets 
of prosperity, .she had been brought up under 
the wings of an indulgent parent, in all the 
delicacies to which her sex and rank entitled 
her ; and without any extravagance of hope, 
entertained herself with the view of uninter- 
rupted happiness through the whole scene of 
life. How fatal then, how tormenting, how 
intolerable, must her reverse of fortune be ! 
— a reverse, that not only robs her of these 
external comforts, and plunges her into all 
the miseries of want, but also murders her 
peace of mind, and entails upon ner the curse 
of eternal infamy ! Of all professions I pro- 
nounced that of a courtesan the most deplor- 
able, and her of all courtesans the most un- 
happy. She allowed my observation to be 
just in the main, but at the same time affirmed 
that notwithstanding the disgraces which had 
fallen to her share, she had not been so un- 
lucky in the condition of a prostitute as many 
others of the same community. ' I have often 
seen,' said she, ' while I strolled about the 
streets at midnight, a number of naked 
wretches reduced to rags and filth, huddled 
together like swine, in the corner of a dark 
alley, -some of whom, but eighteen months 
before, I had known the favourites of the 
town, rolling in affluence, and glittering in all 
the pomp of equipage and dress. Miserable 
wretch that I am ! perhaps the same horrors 
are decreed for me ! No ! ' cried she, after 



RODERICK RAND03r. 



61 



some pause, ' I shall never live to such extre- 
mity of distress ; my own hand shall open a 
way for my deliverance, before I arrive at 
that forlorn period ! ' Her condition filled me 
with sympathy and compassion : I revered 
her qualifications, looked upon her as unfor- 
tunate, not criminal ; and attended her with 
such care and success, that in less than two 
months her health, as well as my own, was 
perfectly re-established. As we often con- 
ferred upon our mutual affairs, and inter- 
changred advice, a thousand different projects 
were formed, which, upon further canvassing, 
appeared impracticable. We would have 
gladly gone to service, but who would take 
us in without recommendation ? At length 
an expedient occurred to her, of which she 
intended to lay hold ; and this was, to pro- 
cure with the first money she should earn, the 
homely garb of a country wench, go to some 
village at a good distance from town, and 
come up in a waggon, as a fresh girl for ser- 
vice : by which means she might be provided 
for, in a manner much more suitable to her 
inclination than her present way of life. 



' CHAPTER XXIV. 

I am reduced to a great misery — assaulted on 
Toiver Hill hy a press-gang, who put me on 
board a tender — my usage there —my arrival 
on board a man-of-war, where I am put in 
irons, and released by the good offices of Mr. 

,' Thompson, who recommends me as assistant 
to the surgeon — he relates his otvn story — 
characters of the captain, surgeon, and first 

i mate. 

I APPLAUDED the resolution of Miss 
Williams, who a few days after, was hired 
in quality of bar-keeper, by one of the ladies 
who had witnessed in her behalf at the 
Marshalsea, and who since that time had got 
credit with a wine merchant, whose favourite 
she was, to set up a convenient house of her 
own. Thither my fellow-lodger repaired, 
after having taken leave of me, with a tor- 
rent of tears, and a thousand protestations of 
eternal gratitude ; assuring me she would re- 
main in this situation no longer than she could 
pick up money sufficient to put her other de- 
sign in execution. 

As for my own part, I saw no resource but 
the army or navy, between which I hesitated 
so long that I found myself reduced to a 
starving condition. My spirit began to ac- 
commodate itself to my beggarly fate, and I 
became so mean as to go down towards Wap- 
ping, with an intention to inquire for an old 
schoolfellow, who, I understood, had got the 
command of a small coasting vessel then in 
the river, and implore his assistance. But 
my destiny prevented this abject piece of be- 
haviour ; for as I crossed Tower Wliarf, a 
squat tawny fellow with a hanger by his side, 
and a cudgel in his hand, came up to me, call- 
ing, ' Yo ho ! brother, you must coma along 



with me.' As I did not like his appearance, 
instead of answering his salutation, I quick- 
ened my pace, in hope of cidding myself of 
his company ; upon which he whistled aloud, 
and immediately another sailor appeared be- 
fore me, who laid hold of me by the collar, 
and began to drag me along. Not being in. 
a humour to relish such treatment, I disen- 
gaged myself of the assailant, and, with one 
blow of my cudgel, laid him motionless on the 
ground ; and perceiving myself surrounded in 
a trice by ten or a dozen more, exerted myself 
with such dexterity and success, that some of 
my opponents were fain to attack me with 
drawn cutlasses ; and after an obstinate en- 
gagement, in which I received a large wound 
on my head, and another on my left cheek, I 
was disarmed, taken prisoner, and carried on 
board a pressing tender, where, after being 
pinioned like a malefactor, I was thrust down 
into the hold among a parcel of miserable 
wretches, the sight of whom well nigh dis- 
tracted me. As the commanding officer had 
not humanity enough to order my wounds to 
be dressed, and I could not use my own hands, 
I desired one of my fellow captives who was 
unfettered, to take a handkerchief out of my 
pocket, and tie it roimd my head, to stop the 
bleeding. He pulled out my handkerchief, 
'tis true, but instead of applying it to the use 
for which I designed it, went to the grating 
of the hatchway, and, with astonishing com- 
posure, sold it before my face to a bumboat 
woman* then on board, for a quart of gin, 
with which he treated his companions, re- 
gardless of my circumstances and entreaties. 
I complained bitterly of this robbery to the 
midshipman on deck, telling him at the same 
time, that unless my hurts were dressed, I 
should bleed to death. But compassion was 
a weakness of which no man could justly ac- 
cuse this person, who, squirting a mouthful 
of dissolved tobacco upon me through the 
gratings, told me ' I was a miitinous dog, and 
that I might die for anything he cared ! ' 
Finding there was no other remedy, I ap- 
pealed to patience, and laid up this usage, 
in my memory, to be called at a more fitting 
opportunity. In the meantime, loss of blood, 
vexation, and want of food, contributed, with 
the noisome stench of the place, to throw me 
into a swoon, out of which I was recovered 
by a tweak of the nose, administered by the 
tar who stood sentinel over us, who at the 
same time regaled me with a draught of flip, 
and comforted me with the hopes of being 
put on board of the Thunder next day, 
where I should be freed of my handcuffs, and 
cured of my wounds by the doctor. I no 
sooner heard him name the Thunder, than 
I asked if he had belonged to that ship long; 
and he giving me to understand he had be- 
longed to her five years, I inquired if he knew 
Lieutenant Bowling ? ' Know Lieutenant 

• A bumhoat woman is onp who soils bread, cheese, 
greens, liquor, and fresh provisions to the sailors, in a 
small boat that lies alongside the ship. 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



Bowling ! ' said he, ' odds my life ! and that 
I do ; and a good seaman he is as ever stepped 
upon forecastle, and a brave fellow as ever 
cracked biscuit — none of your Guinea pigs, 
nor your fresh water, wish- washy, fair-wea- 
ther fowls. Many a taugt gale of wind have 
honest Tom Bowling and I weathered to- 
gether. Here's his health, with all my heart : 
wherever he is, a-loft or a-low, the lieutenant 
needs not be ashamed to show himself.' I 
was so much affected with this eulogium, 
that I could not refrain from tellmg him that 
I was Lieutenant Bowling's kinsman ; in con- 
sequence of which connection, he expressed 
an inclination to serve me,, and when he was 
relieved, brought some cold boiled beef in a 
platter, and biscuit, on which we supped 
plentifully, and afterwards drank another can 
of flip together. While we were thus en- 
gaged, he recounted a great many exploits of 
my uncle, who, I found, was very much be- 
loved by the ship's company, and pitied for 
the misfortune that had happened to him in 
Hispaniola, which I was very glad to be in- 
formed was not so great as I imagined ; for 
Captain Oakum had recovered of his wounds, 
and actually at that time commanded the 
ship. Having by accident, in my pocket, my 
uncle's letter, written from Port Louis, I gave 
it my beiaefactor (whose name was Jack 
Eattlin) for his periisal ; but honest Jack told 
me frankly he could not read, and desired to 
know the contents, which I immediately com- 
municated. When he heard that part of ifc 
in which he says he had written to his land- 
lord in Deal, he cried, ' Body o' mo ! that was 
old Ben Block ; he was dead before the letter 
came to hand. Ey, ey, had Ben been alive. 
Lieutenant Bowling would have had no occa- 
sion to skulk so long. Honest Ben was the 
first man that taught him to hand, reef, and 
steer. Well, well, we must all die, that's 
certain — we must all come to port sooner or 
later, at sea or on shore — we must be fast 
moored one day : death's like the best bower 
anchor, as the saying is — it will bring us all 
up.' I could not but signify my approbation 
of the justness of Jack's reflections, and in- 
quired into the occasion of the quarrel be- 
tween Captain Oakum and my uncle, which 
he explained in this manner : ' Captain Oakum, 
to be sure, is a good man enough — besides, 
he's my commander ; but what's that to me F 
I do my duty, and value no man's anger of a 
rope's end. Now the report goes, as how he's 
a lord, or baron knight's brother, whereby 
(d'ye see me,) he carries a straight arm, and 
keeps aloof from his officers, thof mayhap 
they may be as good men in the main as he. 
Now we lying at anchor in Tuberon Bay, Lieu- 
tenant Bowling had the middle watch, and as 
he always kept a good look out, he made (d'ye 
see) three lights in the offing, whereby he ran 
down to the great cabin for orders, and found 
the captain asleep ; whereupon he waked him, 
which put him in a main high passion, and he 
swore woundi].y at the lieutenant, and called 



him lousy Scotch son of a whore (for, I being 
then sentinel in the steerage, heard all), and 
swab, and lubber, whereby the lieutenant re- 
turned the salute, and they j awed together 
fore and aft a good spell, till at last the cap- 
tain turned out, and, laying hold of a rattan, 
came athwart Mr. Bowling's quarter : whereby 
he told the captain that, if he was not his 
commander, he would heave him overboard, 
and demanded satisfaction ashore; whereby 
in the morning watch, the captain went ashore 
in the pinnace, and afterwards the lieutenant 
carried the cutter ashore ; and so they, leaving 
the boats' crews on their oars, went away to- 
gether ; and so (d'ye see) in less than a quar- 
ter of an hour we heard firing, whereby wo 
made for the place, and found the captain 
lying wounded on the beach, and so brought 
him on board to the doctor, who cured him 
in less than six weeks. But the lieutenant ] 
clapped on all the sail he could bear, and had ; 
got far enough ahead before we knew any- 
thing of the matter ; so that we could never ' 
after get sight of him, for which we were not 
sorry, because the captain Avas mainly wrath, \ 
and would certainly have done him a mis- 
chief; for he afterwards caused him to be 
run on the ship's books, whereby he lost all 
his pay, and, if he should be taken, would be 
tried as a deserter.' 

This account of the captain's behaviour gave 
me no advantageous idea of his character; 
and I could not help lamenting my own fate, 
that had subjected me to such a commander. 
However, making a virtue of necessity, I put 
a good face on the matter, and next daj% was, 
with the other pressed men, put on board of 
the ' Thunder,' lying at the Nore. When we 
came alongside, the mate, who guarded us 
thither, ordered my handcuffs to be taken off, 
that I might get on board the easier ; this 
circumstance being perceived by some of the 
company who stood upon the gangboards 
to see us enter, one of them called to Jack 
Eattlin, who was busied in doing this friendly 
office for me, ' Hey, Jack, what Newgate 
galley have you boarded in the river as you 
came along ? Have we not thieves enowamong 
us already ? ' Another, observing my wounds, 
which remained exposed to the air, told me, 
xay seams were uncaulked, and that I must 
be new payed. A third, seeing my hair 
clotted together with blood, as it were into 
distinct cords, took notice, that my bows 
were manned with the red ropes, instead ot 
my side. A fourth asked me, if I could not 
keep my yards sqiiare without iron braces ? 
And, in short, a thousand witticisms of the 
same nature were passed upon me before I 
could get up the ship's side. 

After we had been all entered upon the 
ship's books, I inquired of one of my ship- 
mates where the surgeon was, that I might 
have my wounds dressed, and had actually 
got as far as the middle deck (for our ship 
carried eighty guns), in my way to the cock- 
pit, when I was met by the game rnidshipman 



BOBERICK RANDOM. 



63 



•frho liaA used 016 so barbarously in the tender : 
he, seeing me free from my chains, asked, 
■with an insolent air, who had released me ? 
To this question, I foolishly answered, with a 
countenance that too plainly declared the 
state of my thoughts, ' Whoever did it, I am 
persuaded did not consult you in the affair.' 
I had no sooner uttered these words, than he 
cried, ' Damn you, you saucy son of a bitch, 
I'll teach you to talk so to your officer.' So 
saying, he bestowed on me several severe 
stripes, with a supple jack he had in his 
hand : and, going to the commanding officer, 
made such a report of me, that I was imme- 
diately put in irons by the master-at-arms, 
and a sentinel placed over me. Honest Rattlin, 
as soon as he heard of my condition, came to 
me, and administered aU the consolation he 
could, and then went to the surgeon in my 
behalf, who sent one of his mates to dress 
my wounds. This mate was no other than 
my old friend Thompson, with whom I became 
acquainted at the Navy Office, as before 
mentioned. If I knew him at first sight, 
it was not easy for him to recognise me, dis- 
figiired -with blood and dirt, and altered by 
the misery I had undergone. Unknown as I 
was to him, he surveyed me with looks of 
compassion, and handled my sores with great 
tenderness. When he had applied what he 
thought proper, and was about to leave me, 
I asked him if my misfortunes had disguised 
me so much that he could not recollect my 
face ? Upon this address he observed me 
with great earnestness for some time, and at 
length protested he could not recollect one 
feature of my countenance. To keep him no 
longer in suspense, I told him my name, 
which when he heard, he embraced me \s ith 
affection, and professed his sorrow at seeing 
me in such a disagreeable situation. I made 
him acquainted with my story, and, when he 
heard how inhumanly I had been used in the 
tender, he left me abruptly, assuring me I 
should see him again soon. I had scarce time 
to wonder at his sudden departiire, when the 
master-at-arms came to the place of my con- 
finement, and bade me follow him to the 
quarter-deck, where I was examined by the 
first lieutenant, who commanded the ship in 
the absence of the captain, touching the 
treatment I had received in the tender from 
my friend the midshipman, who was present 
to confront me. 

I recounted the particulars of his behaviour 
to me, not only in the tender, but since my 
being on board the ship, part of which being 
proved by the evidence of Jack Rattlin and 
others, who had no great devotion for my 
oppressor, I was discharged from confine- 
ment, to make way for him, who was delivered 
to the master-at-arms to take his turn in the 
bilboes. And this was not the only satis- 
faction I enjoyed, for I was, at the request of 
the surgeon, exempted from all other duty 
than that of assisting his mates, in making 
and administerins: medicines to the sick. This 



good office I owed to the friendship of Mr. 
Thompson, who had represented me in such a 
favourable light to the surgeon, that he de- 
manded me of the lieutenant to supply the 
place of his third mate, who was lately dead. 
\Vhen I had obtained this favour, my friend 
Thompson carried me down to the cockpit, 
which is the place allotted for the habitation 
of the surgeon's mates ; and when he had 
shown me their berth (as he called it), I was 
fiUed with astonishment and horror. We de- 
scended by divers ladders to a space as dark 
as a dungeon, which, I understood, was im- 
mersed several feet under water, being im- 
mediately above the hold. I had no sooner 
approached this dismal gulph, than my nose 
was saluted with an intolerable stench of 
putrified cheese and rancid butter, that issued 
from an apartment at the foot of the ladder, 
resembling a chandler's shop, where, by the 
faint glimmering of a candle, I could perceive 
a man with a pale, meagre countenance, 
sitting behind a kind of desk, having spectacles 
on his nose, and a pen in his hand. This (I 
learned of Mr. Thompson) was the ship's 
steward, who sat there to distribute pro- 
vision to the several messes, and to mark 
what each received. He therefore presented 
my name to him, and desired I might be 
entered in his mess ; then, taking a light in 
his hand, conducted me to the place of his 
residence, which was a square of about six 
feet, surrounded with the medicine-chest, 
that of the firstmate, his own, and a board by 
way of table fastened to the after powder 
room ; it was also inclosed with canvas nailed 
round to the beams of the ship, to screen us 
from the cold, as well as from the view of the 
midshipmen and quartermaster, who lodged 
within the cable-tiers on each side of us. In 
this gloomy mansion he entertained me with 
some cold salt pork, which he brought from a 
sort of locker, fixed above the table : and 
calling for the boy of the mess, sent for a can 
of beer, of which he made excellent flip to 
crown the banquet. 

By this time I began to recover my spirits, 
which had been exceedingly depressed with 
the appearance of everything about me, and 
could no longer refrain from asking the par- 
ticulars of Mr. Thompson's fortune since I 
had seen him in London. He told me, that 
being disappointed in his expectations of bor- 
rowing money to gratify the rapacious 
s — t — ry at the Navy Office, he found himself 
utterly unable to subsist any longer in town, 
and had actually offered his service, in quality 
of mate, to the surgeon of a merchant ship, 
bound to Guinea on the slaving trade ; when, 
one morning, a young fellow, of whom he had 
some acquaintance, came to his lodgings, and 
informed him that he had seen a waiyant 
made out in his name at the Navy Office, for 
surgeon's second mate of a third-rate. This 
unexpected piece of good news he could 
scarcely believe to be true, more especially as 
he had been found dualified at Surgeons' Hall 



C4 



RODSniCK RANDOM. 



for third mate only ; but that he might not 
be wanting to himself, he went thither to be 
assured, and actually found it so : where- 
upon, demanding his warrant, itwas delivered 
to him, and the oaths administered imme- 
diately. That very afternoon he went to 
Gravesend in the tilt-boat, from whence he 
took place in the tide-coach for Rochester ; 
n3'.it morning got on board the ' Thunder,' 
foL" which he was appointed, then lying in the 
harbour at Chatham ; and the same day was 
mustered by the clerk of the checque. And 
well it was for him that such expedition was 
used ; for, in less than twelve hours after his 
arrival, another William Thompson came on 
board, affirming that he was the person for 
whom the warrant was expedited, and that 
the other was an impostor. 

My friend was grievously alarmed at this 
accident, the more so, as his namesake had 
very much the advantage over him both in 
assurance and dress. However, to acquit 
himself of the suspicion of imposture, he 
produced several letters written from Scot- 
land to him in that name, and, recollecting 
that his indentures were in a box on board, 
he brought thepi up, and convinced all pre- 
sent that he had not assumed a name which 
did not belong to him. His competitor, en- 
raged that they should hesitate in doing him 
justice, (for to be sure the warrant had been 
designed for him), behaved with so much in- 
decent heat, that the commanding officer 
(who was the same gentleman I had seen) 
and the surgeon were oifended at his pre- 
sumption, and making a point of it with their 
friends in town, in less than a week got the 
first confirmed in his station. ' I have been 
on board,' said he, ' ever since ; and, as this 
way of life is becoming familiar to me, have 
no cause to complain of my situation. The 
surgeon is a good-natured, indolent man ; the 
first mate (who is now on shore on duty) is 
indeed a little proud and choleric, as all 
Welshmen are, but in the main a fiiendly 
honest fellow. The lieutenants I have no 
concern with ; and, as for the captain, he is 
too much of a gentleman to know a sur- 
geon's mate, even by sight. 



CHAPTER XXV. 

The hehav^o^lr of Mr. Morgan — his pride, dis- 
pleasure, and generosity — the economy of 
our mess described — Tiiompson's further 
friendship — the nature of my duty explained 
— the situation of the sick. 

WHILE he was thus discoursing to me, 
we heard a voice on the cockpit ladder 
pronounce with great vehemence, in a 
strange dialect, ' The devil and his dam blow 
me from the top of Monchdenny, if I go to 
him before there is something in my peUy : 
let his nose be as yellow ai satTron, or as plue 
as a pell (loak you), or as gx'eeu as a leek, 'tis 
all one.' To this declaration somebody an- 



swered, ' So it seems my poor messmate must 
part his cable for want of a little assistance. 
His foretopsail is loose already ; and besides 
the doctor ordered you to overhaul him ; — 
but I see you don't mind what your master 
says.' Here he was interrupted with, 'Splut- 
ter and oons ! you lousy tog, who do you call 
my master ? Get you gone to the doctor, and 
tell him my birth, and education, and my abi- 
lities ; and moreover, my behaviour is as 
good as his, or any shontleman's (no dispa- 
ragement to him,) in the whole world. Cot 
pless my soul ! does he think, or conceive, or 
imagine, that I am a horse, or an ass, or a 
goat, to trudge backwards and forwards, and 
upwards and downwards, and by sea and by 
land, at his will and pleasure ? Go your 
ways, you rapscallion, and tell Doctor Atkins 
that I desire and request that he will give a 
look upon the tying man, and order something 
for him, if he be dead or alive, and I will see 
him take it by and by, when my craving sto- 
mach is satisfied, look you.' At this, the 
other went away, saying, ' that if they should 
serve him so when he was dying, by God he 
would be foul of them in the other world.' 
Here Mr. Thompson let me know, that the 
person we heard was Mr. Morgan, the first 
mate, who was just come on board from the 
hospital, whither he had attended some of the 
sick in the morning ; at the same time I saw 
him come into the berth. He was a short 
thick man, with a flice garnished with pim- 
ples, a snub nose turned up at the end, an 
excessive wide mouth, and little fiery eyes, 
surrounded with skin puckered up in innu- 
merable wrinkles. My friend immediately J 
made him acquainted with my case; when he 1 
regarded me with a very lofty look, but with- 
out speaking, set down a bundle he had in his 
hand, and approached the cupboard, which, 
when he had opened, he exclaimed in a great 
passion, ' Cot is my life, all the pork is gone, 
as I am a Christian ! ' Thompson then gave 
him to urderstaud, that, as I had been 
brought on board half famished, he could 
do no less than to entertain me with what 
was in the locker, and the rather as he 
had bid the steward enter me in the 
mess. Whether this disapijointment made 
Mr. Morgan more peevish than usual, or 
he really thought himself too little regarded 
by his fellow mate, I know not, but after 
some pause, he went on in this manner: 
' Mr. "Thompson, perhaps you do not use me 
with all the good manners, and complaisance, 
and respect (look you,) that becomes you, 
because you have not vouchsafed to advise 
with me in this affair. I have in my time 
(look you,) been a man of some weight, and 
substance, and consideration, and have kept 
house and home, and paid scot and lot, and 
the king's taxes ; ay, and maintained a 
family to boot. And moreover, also, I am 
your senior, and your older, and your potter, ^ 
Mr. Thompson.' ^' My elder, I'll allow you to i 
be, but not my better!' cried Thompson, withj 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



soniG heat. ' Cot is my Saviour, and witness 
too,' said Morgan, with great vehemence, 
' that I am more elder, and therefore more 
petter by many years than you.' Fearing 
this dispute might be attended with some bad 
consequence, I interposed, and told Mr. Mor- 
gan I was very sorry for having been the 
occasion of any difference between him and 
the second mate ; and that, rather than cause 
the least breach in their good understanding, 
I would eat my allowance to myself, or seek 
admission into some other company. But 
Thompson, with more spirit than discretion 
I (as I thought), insisted upon my remaining 
where he had appointed me; and observed 
that no man, possessed of generosity and 
compassion, would have any objection to 
it, considering my birth and talents, and 
the misfortunes I had of late so unjustly 
undergone. 

This was touching Mr. Morgan on the 
' right key, who protested with great earnest- 
i ness, that he had no objection to my being 
i received in the mess ; but only complained 
that the ceremony of asking his consent was 
not observed. ' As for a sheltenman in 
' distress,' said he, shaking me by the hand, 'I 
lofe him as I lofe my own powels : for, Cot 
i help me ! I have had vexations enough upon 
; my own pack.' And as I afterwards learned, 
: in so saying, he spoke no more than what was 
: true ; for he had been once settled in a very 
I good situation in Glamorganshire, and was 
' mined by being security for an acquaintance. 
All differences being composed, he untied his 
bundle, which consisted of three bunches of 
I onions, and a great lump of Cheshire cheese, 
I wrap j)cd up in a handkerchief : and, taking 
I some biscuit from the cupboard, fell to with 
I a keen aj)petite, inviting us to share of the 
repast. When he had fed heartily on his 
' homely fare, he filled a large cup, made of a 
cocoa-nut shell, with brandy, and, drinking it 
' off, told us, ' Prandy was the best menstruum 
for onions and sheese.' His hunger being 
appeased, he began to be in better humour ; 
and, being inquisitive about my birth, no 
sooner understood that I was descended of a 
good family, than he discovered a particular 
good-will to me on that account, deducing 
his own pedigree in a direct line from the 
famous Caractacus, king of the Britons, who 
was first the prisoner, and afterwards the 
friend of Claudius CiBsar. Perceiving how 
much I was reduced in point of linen, he 
made me a present of two good ruffied shirts, 
which, with two more of check which I re- 
ceived from Mr. Thompson, enabled me to 
appear with decency. 

Meanwhile the sailor, whom Mr. Morgan 
had sent to the doctor, brought a prescription 
for his messmate, which when the Welshman 
had read, he got xip to prepare it, and asked, 
'if the man was dead or alive.' 'Dead!' 
replied Jack ; ' if he was dead, he would have 
no occasion for doctor's stuff. No, thank 
God, death han't as yet boarded him, but 

D 



they have been yard-arm and yard-arm these 
three glasses.' ' Are his eyes open ?' con- 
tinued the mate. ' His starboard eye,' said 
the sailor, ' is open, but fast jammed in his 
head : and the haulyards of his under jaw 
have given way.' ' Passion of my heart !' 
cried Morgan, ' the man is as pad as one 
would desire to be ! Did you feel his pulses !' 
To this the other replied with 'Aiai!' 
Upon which this Cambro Briton, with great 
earnestness and humanity, ordered the tar to 
run to his messmate, and keep him alive till 
he should come with the medicine, ' and 
then,' said he, 'you shall peradventure pe- 
hold what you shall see.' 

The poor fell»w, with great simplicity, ran 
to the place where the sick man lay, but in 
less than a minute returned with a woful 
countenance, and told us his comrade had 
struck. Morgan, hearing this, exclaimed, 
' Mercy upon my salvation ! why did you not 
stop him till I came ?' ' Stop him !' said the 
other ; ' I hailed him several times, but he 
was too far on his way, and the enemy had 
got possession of his close quarters ; so that 
he did not mind me.' ' Well, well,' said he, 
' we all owe heaven a teath. Go j'our ways, 
you ragamuffin, and take an example and a 
warning, look j-^ou, and repent of your mis- 
teets.' So saying, he pushed the seaman out 
of the berth. 

While he entertained us with reflections 
suitable to this event, we heard the boatswain 
jjipe to dinner ; and immediately the boy be- 
longing to our mess ran to the locker, from 
whence he carried off a large wooden platter, 
and, in a few minutes, returned with it full 
of boiled peas, crying ' Sealdings ' all the 
way as he came. "The cloth, consisting of a 
piece of an old sail, was instantly laid, covered 
with three plates, which by the colour I could 
with difficulty discern to be metal, and as 
many spoons of the same composition, two 
of which were curtailed in the handles, and 
the other abridged in the lip. Mr. Morgan 
himself enriched this mess with a lump of 
salt butter, scooped from an old gallipot, and 
a handful of onions shorn, with some 
pounded pepper. I was not very much 
tempted with the appearance of this dish, of 
which, nevertheless, my messmates ate hear- 
tily, advising me to follow their example, as 
it was banyan day, and we could have no 
meat till next noon. But I had already laid 
in sufficient for the occasion, and therefore 
desired to be excused : expressing a curiosity 
to know the meaning of banyan day. They 
told me, that, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and 
Fridays, the ship's company had no allowance 
of meat, and that these meagre days were 
called banyan days, the reason of which they 
did not know ; but I have since learned they 
take their denomination from a sect of devo- 
tees in some parts of the East Indies, who 
never taste flesh. 

After dinner Thompson led me round the 
ship, showed me the different parts, described 



66 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



their uses, and, as far as he could, made me 
acquainted with the particulars of the disci- 
pline and economy practised on board. He 
then demanded of the boatswain a hammock 
for me, which was shmgin avcry neat manner 
by my friend Jack Kattlin ; and, as I had no 
bed-clothes, procured credit for me with the 
jnirser, for a mattress and two blankets. At 
seven o'clock in the evening Morgan visited 
the sick, and, having ordered what was proper 
for each, I assisted Thompson in making up 
his prescriptions : but when I followed him 
with the medicines into the sick berth, or 
hospital, and observed the situation of 
the patients, I was much less surprised 
that people should die on board, than that 
any sick person should recover. Here I saw 
about fifty miserable distempered wretches, 
suspended in rows, so huddled one upon an- 
other, that not more than fourteon inches 
ppace Avas allotted for each with his bed and 
bedding ; and deprived of the light of the day, 
as weU as of fresh air ; breathing nothing but 
a noisome atmosphere of the morbid steams 
exhaling from their own excrements and dis- 
eased bodies, devoured with vermin hatched 
in the filth that surrounded them, and desti- 
tute of every convenience necessary for people 
in that helpless condition. 



CHAPTER XXVI. 

A disagreeable accident happens to me in the 
discharge of my office — Morgan's nose is 
offended — a dialogue between hhn a7id the 
Ship's steward — upon examination, I find 
more causes of complaint than one — my liair 
is cut off — Morgan's cookery — the manner of 
sleeping on board — I am xvaked in the night 
by a dreadful noise, 

I COULD not comprehend how it was pos- 
sible for the attendants to come near 
those who himg on the inside towards the 
sides of the ship, in order to assist them, as 
they seemed barricadowi by those who lay on 
tlie outside, and entirely out of the reach of 
all visitation ; much less could I conceive how 
my friend Thompson would be able to admi- 
nister clysters, that were ordered for some, in 
that situation ; when I saw him thrust his wig 
in his pocket, and strip himself to his waist- 
coat in a moment, then creep on all fours 
imder the hammocks of the sick, and, forcing 
up his bare pate between two, keep them 
asunder with one shoulder, until he had done 
his duty. Eager to learn the service, I de- 
sired he wovdd give me leave to perform the 
next operation of that kind ; and he con- 
senting, I imdressed myself after his example, 
and crawling along, the ship happened to roll : 
this motion alarming me, I laid hold of the 
first thing that came within my grasp with 
such violence, that I overturned it, and soon 
found, by the smell that issued upon me, 
I had unlocked a box of the most delicious 
perfume. It was well for mo that my nose 



was none of the most delicate, else I know not 
how I might have been affected by this vapour, 
which diffused itself all over the ship, to the 
utter discomposure of everybody who tarried 
on the same deck ! neither was the conse- 
quence of this disgrace confined to my sense 
of smelling only; for I felt my misfortune 
more Avays than one. That I might not, how- 
ever, appear altogether disconcerted in this 
my first essay, I got up, and, pushing my head 
with gi-eat force between two hammocks, 
towards the middle, where the greatest resis- 
tance was, I made an opening indeed, but. not 
understanding the knack of dexterously turn- 
ing my shoulder to maintain my advantage, 
had the mortification to find myself stuck up, 
as it were, in a pillory, and the weight of 
three or four people bearing on each side of 
my neck, so that I was in danger of strangu- 
lation. While I remained in this defenceless 
posture, one of the sick men, rendered peevish 
by his distemper, was so enraged at the smell 
I had occasioned, and the rude shook he had 
received from me in my elevation, that, with 
many bitter reproaches, he seized me by the 
nose, wliich he tweaked so unmercifully, that 
I roared with anguish. Thompson, perceiving 
my condition, ordered one of the Avaiters to 
my assistance, Avho,Avith much difficulty, dis- 
engaged mo from this situation, and hindered 
me from taking vengeance on the sick man, 
whose indisposition Avould not have screened 
him from the effects of my indignation. 

After having made an end of our ministry 
for that time, we descended to the cockpit, 
my friend comforting mo for what had hap- 
pened Avith a homely proverb, Avliich I do not 
choose to repeat. AVheu Ave had descended i 
half-Avay doAvn the ladder, Mr. Morgan, before 1 
ho saw us, Iiaving intelligence by his nose of 
the approach of somethingextraordinai-y, cried, 
' Cot have mercy upon my senses ! I pelicA'e 
the eftemy has poarded us in a stinkpot ! ' 
Then, directing his discourse to the steward, 
from Avhence ho imagined the odour pro- 
ceeded, he reprimanded him severely for the 
freedoms he took among gentlemen of birth, 
and threatened to smoke him like a padger 
with sulphur, if ever he should presume to 
offend his neighbours Avith such smells for 
the future. The stcAvard, conscious of his 
own innocence, replied with some Avarmth, 
' I know of no smells but those of your oAvn 
making.' This repartee introduced a smart 
dialogue, in Avhich the Welshman undertook 
to prove, that, though the stench he com- 
plained of did not floAV from the steward's 
own body, he was nevertheless the author of 
it, by serAring out damaged provisions to tho 
ship's company ; and, in particidar, putrified 
cheese, from the use of Avhich only, he 
affirmed, such unsavoury steams could arise. 
Then he launched out into tho praiso of good 
cheese, of which he gave the analysis ; ex- 
plained the different kinds of that commodity, 
Avith the methods practised to make and pre- 
serve it ; and concluded with observing, that, 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



C7 



in yieldincf pood cheese, the county of Gla- 
morgan might vie with Cheshire itself, and 
was mncli superior to it in tho produce of 
goats and putter. 

I gathered from this conversation, that, if 
I entered in my present pickle, I should be 
no welcome guest, and therefore desired Mr. 
Thompson to go before, and represent my 
calamity ; at which the first mate, expressing 
some concern, went upon deck immediately, 
taking his way through the cable-tier and by 
the main hatchway, to avoid encountering 
me ; desiring me to clean myself as soon as 
possible : for he intended to regale himself 
with a dish of salmagundy and a pipe. Ac- 
cordingly, I set about this disagreeable busi- 
ness, and soon found I had more causes of 
complaint than I at first imagined ; for I 
perceived some guests had honoured me with 
their company, whose visit I did not think 
seasonable : neither did they seem inclined to 
leave me in a hurry, for they were in pos- 
session of my chief quarters, where they fed 
without reserve at the expense of my blood. 
But, considering it would bo easier to extir- 
pate the ferocious colony in the infancy of 
their settlement, than after they should be 
multiplied and naturalised to the soil, I took 
the advice of my friend, who, to prevent such 
misfortunes, went always close shaved, and 
made the boy of our mess cut off my hau% 
which had been gromng since I left tho ser- 
vice of Lavement ; and the second mate lent 
me an old bobwig to supply the loss of that 
covering. This affair being ended, and everj'- 
thing adjusted in the best manner my circum- 
stancJes would permit, tho descendant of 
Caractacus returned, and, ordering the boy 
to bring a piece of salt beef from the brine, 
cut off a slice, and mixed it with an equal 
quantity of onions, whicji seasoning with a 
moderate proportion of pepper and salt, he 
brought it to a consistence with oil and 
vinegar ; then, tasting the dish, assured us 
it was the best salmaguudy that ever he 
made, and recommended it to our palate with 
such heartiness that I could not help doing 
honour to liis preparation. But I had no 
sooner swallowed a mouthful, than I thought 
my entrails were scorched, and endeavoured 
with a deluge of small-beer to allay the heat 
it occasioned. Supper being over, Mr. Morgan 
having smoked a couple of pipes, and supplied 
the moisture he had expended with as many 
cans of flip, of which we all partook, a certain 
yawning began to admonish me that it was 
high time to repair by sleep the injury I had 
suffered from want of rest the preceding 
night ; which being perceived by my com- 
panions, whose time of repose was now 
arrived, they proposed we should turn in, or 
in other words, go to bed. Our hammocks, 
which hung parallel to one another, on the 
outside of the berth, were immediately un- 
lashed, and I beheld my messmates spring 
with groat agility into their respective nests, 
where they seemed to lijo concealed, very much 



at their ease. But it was some time before 
I could prevail upon myself to trust my car- 
case at such a distance from tho ground, in v.. 
narrow bag, out of which, I imagined, I should 
be apt, on the least motion in my sleep, to 
tumble down at the hazard of breaking my 
bones. I suffered myself, however, to be 
persuaded, and taking a leap to get in, threw 
myself quite over, with such violence, that 
had I not luckily got hold of Thompson's 
hammock, I should have pitched upon my 
head on the other side, and in all likelihood 
fractured my skull. 

After some fruitless efforts, I succeeded at 
last ; but the apprehension of the jeopardy in 
which I believed myself withstood all tho 
attacks of sleep till towards the morning- 
watch, when, in spite of my fears, I was over- 
powered with slumber, though I did not long 
enjoy this comfortable situation ; being 
aroused with a noise so loud and shrill, that 
I thought the drums of my ears were burst by 
it ; this was followed by a dreadful summons 
pronounced by a hoarse voise, which I could 
not understand. While I was debating with 
myself, whether or not I should wake my 
companion, and inquire into the occasion of 
this disturbance, I was informed by one of 
the quartermasters who passed by me with a 
lantern in his hand, that the noise which 
alarmed me was occasioned by tho boatswain's 
mates who called up the larboard watch, and 
that I must lay my account with such inter- 
ruption every morning at the same hour. 
Being now more assured of my safety, I ad- 
dressed myself again to rest, and slept till 
eight o'clock, when rising, and breakfasting 
with my comrades on biscuit and brandy, tho 
sick were visited and assisted as before; 
after which visitation my good friend Thomp- 
son explained and performed another piece of 
duty, to which I was a stranger. At a certain 
hour in the morning, the boy of the mess went 
round all the decks, ringing a small hand-bell, 
and, in rhymes composed for the occasion, 
in-^'ited all those who had sores to repair beforo 
the mast, where one of the doctor's mates 
attended, with applications to dress them. 



CHAPTER XXVII. 

I acquire the friendship of tlie Sttrgeon, who 
jirocures a warrant for me, and malces me a 
present of clotlies — a battle between a Mid- 
shiinnaii and me — the Surgeon leaves the 
ship — the Captain comes on board with 
another Surgeon — a dialogue between the 
Captain and Morgan — the sick are ordered 
to be brought upon the Quarter-deck and 
exoAnined — tJie consequences of that order — 
a Madman accuses Morgan, and is set at 
liberty by command of the Captain, whom 
he iTistantly attacks, and pummels witlwut 
mercy, 

WHILE I was busied with my friend in 
this practice, the doctor chanced to pass 
by the place where we were, and stopping to 



68 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



observe me, appeared very vcell satisfied with 
my method of application ; and afterwards sent 
for me to his cabin, where, having examined 
me touching my skill in surgery, and the par- 
ticulars of my fortune, he intei'ested himself 
so far in my behalf, as to promise his assist- 
ance in procuring a warrant for me, seeing I 
had been already found qualified at Surgeons' 
Hall for the station I filled on board ; and in 
this good office he the more cordially engaged 
when he understood I was nephew to Lieu- 
tenant Bowling, for whom he expressed a 
particular regard. In the meantime, I could 
learn from his discourse, that he did not in- 
tand to go to sea again with Captain Oakum, 
having, as he thought, been indifferently 
used by him during the last voyage. 

While I lived tolerably easy, in expectation 
of preferment, I was not altogether without 
mortifications, which I not only sufi'ered from 
the rude insults of the sailors and potty offi- 
cers, among whom I was known by the name 
of Loblolly Boy, but also from the disposition 
of Morgan, who, though friendly in the main, 
was often very troublesome ■with his pride, 
which expected a good deal of submission 
from me, and delighted in recapitulating the 
favours I had received at his hands. 

About six weeks after my arrival on board, 
the surgeon, bidding mo follow him into his 
cabin, presented a warrant to me, by which I 
was appointed surgeon's third mate on board 
the Thunder. This he had procured by his 
interest at the Navy Office ; as also another 
for himself, by virtue of which he was re- 
moved into a second-rate. I acknowledged 
his kindness in the strongest terms my grati- 
tude could suggest, and professed my sorrow 
at the prospect of losing so valuable a friend, 
to whom I hoped to have Tecommended my- 
self still further, by my respectful and diligent 
behaviour. But his generosity rested not 
here ; for before he left the ship he made me 
a pi'csent of a chest and some clothes, that 
enabled me to support the rank to which he 
had raised me. 

I found my spirit revive with my good 
fortune ; and, now I was an officer, resolved 
to maintain the dignity of my station, against 
all opposition or affronts; nor was it long 
before I had occasion to exert my resolution. 
My old enemy, the midshipman (whose name 
was Cramploy), entertaining an implacable 
animosity against me, for the disgrace he had 
suffered on my account, had since that time 
taken all ofiportunities of reviling and ridi- 
culing me, when I was not entitled to retort 
this bad usage ; and, even after I had been 
rated on the books, and mustered as surgeon's 
mate, did not think fit to restrain his inso- 
lence. In particular, being one day present 
while I dressed a wound in a sailor's leg, he 
began to sing a song, which I thought highly 
injurious to the honour of my country, and 
therefore sigidfied my resentment, by observ- 
ing, that the Scots always laid their account 
with finding enemies amongf the ignorant, in- 



significant, and malicious. This unexpected 
piece of assurance enraged him to such a 
degree, that he lent me a blow on the face, 
which I verily thought had demolished my 
cheek-bone. I was not slow in returning the 
obligation, and the affair began to be very 
serious, when by accident Mr. Morgan, and 
one of the master's mates, coming that way, 
interposed, and, inquiring into the cause, en- 
deavoured to promote a reconciliation ; but, 
finding us both exasperated to the uttermost, 
and bent against accommodation, they ad- 
vised us either to leave our dift'erence unde- 
cided, till we should have an opportunity of 
terminating it on shore, like gentlemen, or 
else choose a proper place on board, and 
bring it to an issue by boxing. The last ex- 
pedient was greedily embraced by us both ; 
and, being forthwith conducted to the ground 
proposed, we stripped in a moment, and be- 
gan a furious contest, in which I soon found 
myself inferior to my antagonist, not so much 
in strength and agility, as in skill, which he 
had acquired in the school of Hockley-in-the- 
Hole at Tottenham-court. Many cross but- 
tocks did I sustain, and pegs on the stomach 
without number, till at last, my breath being 
quite gone, as well as my vigour wasted, I 
grow desperate, and collecting all my strength 
in one eiibrt, threw in at once, head, hands, 
and feet, with such violence, that I drove my 
antagonist three paces backward into the 
main hatchway, down which he fell, and 
pitching upon his head and right shoulder, 
remained without sense and motion. Morgan, 
looking do^vn, and seeing him lie in that con- 
dition, cried, ' Upon my conscience, as 
I am a Christian sinner, (look you,) I 
believe his patties are all ofer ; but I take 
you all to witness that there was no 
treachery in the case, and that ho has 
suffered by tho chance of war.' So saying 
he descended to the deck below, to ex- 
amine into the situation of my adversary, 
and left mo very little pleased with my vic- 
tory, as I found myself not only terribly 
bruised, but likewise in danger of being called 
to account for the death of Crauipley ; but 
this fear vanished when my fellow-mate hav- 
ing, by bleeding him in the jugular, brought 
him to himself, and inquired into the state of 
his body, called up to me to be under no con- 
cern, for tho midshipman had received no 
other damage than as pretty a luxation of the 
OS humeri as one woiild desire to see on a 
summer's day. Upon this information I 
crawled down to the cock-pit, and acquainted 
Thompson with the affair, who, providing 
himself with bandages, &c., necessary for the 
occasion, went up to assist Mr. Morgan in the 
reduction of the dislocation. When this was 
successfully performed, they wished me joy 
of the event of the combat ; and the Welsh- 
man, after observing, that, in all likelihood, 
tho ancient Scots and Britons were the same 
people, bade me ' praise Cot for putting mottle 
m my pelly, and strength in my limbs to sup- 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



port it.' I acquired such reputation by this 
rencontre, which lasted twenty minutes, that 
everybody became more cautious in behaviour 
towards me ; thougli Crampley, with his arm 
in a sling, talked very high, and threatened 
to seize the first opportunity of retrieving on 
shore the honour he had lost by an accident, 
from which I could justly claim no merit. 

About this time, Captain Oakum, ha\Tng 
received sailing orders, came on board, and 
brought along with him a surgeon of his own 
country, who soon made us sensible of the loss 
we suffered in the departure of Doctor Atkins; 
for he was grossly ignorant, and intolerably 
assuming, false, vindictive, and unforgiving ; 
a merciless tyrant to his inferiors, an abject 
sycophant to those above him. In the morn- 
ing after the captain came on board, our first 
mate, according to custom, went to wait on 
him with a sick list, which, when this grim 
commander had perused, he cried with a stem 
countenance, ' Blood and oons ! sixty-one sick 
people on board of my ship ! Harkee, you sir, 
I'll have no sick in my ship, by G — d.' The 
Welshman replied, ' he should be very glad to 
find no sick people on board : but, while it 
was otherwise,, he did no more than his duty 
in presenting him with a list.' ' You and 
your list may be d — n'd,' said the captain, 
throwing it at him ; ' I say, there shall be no 
Bick in this ship while I have the command 
of her.' Mr. Morgan, being nettled at this 
treatment, told him his indignation ought to 
be directed to Cot Almighty, who visited his 
people with distempers, and not to him, who 
contributed all in his power towards their 
cure. The bashaw, not being used to such 
behaviour in any of his officers, was enraged 
to fury at this satirical insinuation, and, 
stamping •with his foot, called him insolent 
scoundrel, threatening to have him pinioned 
to the deck, if he should presume to utter 
another syllable. But the blood of Carac- 
tacus being thoroughly heated, disdained to 
be restricted by such a command, and began 
to manifest itself in, ' Captain Oakum, I am 
a shentlcman of birth and parentage (look 
you), and peradventure I am moreover ' — 
Here his harangue was broken off by the 
captain's steward, who, being Morgan's 
countryman, hurried him out of the cabin 
before he had time to exasperate his master 
to a greater degree ; and this would certainly 
have been the case ; for the indignant Welsh- 
man could hardly be hindered by his friend's 
arguments and entreaties from re-entering the 
presence-chamber, and defjang Captain Oakum 
to his teeth. He was, however appeased at 
length, and came down to the berth, where, 
finding Thompson and me at work preparing 
medicines, he bade us leave off our lapour to 
go to play, for the captain, by his sole word, 
and power, and command, had driven sick- 
ness a pegging to the tevil, and there was no 
more malady on board. So saying, he drank 
off a gill of brandy, sighed grievously three 
times, poured forth an ejaculation of ' Cot 



pless my heart, liver, and lungs ! ' and then 
began to sing a Welsh song with great earnest- 
ness of visage, voice, and gesture. I could 
not conceive the meaning of this singular 
phenomenon, and saw by the looks of Thomp- 
son, who at the same time shook his head, 
that he suspected poor Cadwallader's brains 
were unsettled. He, perceiving our amaze- 
ment, told us he would explain the mystery ; 
but at the same time bade us take notice, 
that he had lived poy, patchelor, married man, 
and widower, almost forty years, and in all 
that_ time there was no man, nor mother's 
son in the whole world who durst use him so 
ill as Captain Oakum had done. Then he 
acquainted us with the dialogue that passed 
between them, as I have already related it ; 
and had no sooner finished this narration than 
he received a message from the surgeon, to 
bring the sick-list to the quarter-deck, for the 
captain had ordered all the patients thither 
to be reviewed. 

This inhuman order shocked us extremely, 
as we knew it would be impossible to carry 
some of them on the deck, without imminent 
danger of their lives : but, as we lilcewise knew 
it would be to no purpose for us to remonstrate 
against it, we repaired to the quarter-deck in 
a body, to see this extraordinary muster ; 
Morgan observing by the way, that the cap- 
tain was going to send to the other world a 
great maiay evidences to testify against him- 
self. When we appeared upon deck, the cap- 
tain bade the doctor, who stood bowing at 
his right hand, look at these lazy lubberly 
eons of bitches, who were good for nothing 
on board but to eat the king's provision, and. 
encourage idleness in the skulkers. The sur- 
geon grinned approbation, and, taking the 
list, began to examine the complaints of each 
as they could crawl to the place appointed. 
The first who came under his cognizance was 
a peer fellow just freed of a fever, which had 
weakened him so much that ho could hardly 
stand. Mr. Mackshane (for that was the 
doctor's name), having felt his pulse, pro- 
tested he was as well as any man in the world ; 
and the captain delivered him over to the 
boatswain's mate, with orders that he should 
receive a round dozen at the gangway imme- 
diately, for counterfeiting himself sick ; but, 
before the discipline could be executed, t^e 
man dropped down on the deck, and had well 
nigh perished under the hands of the execu- 
tioner. The next patient to bo considered, 
laboured under a quartan ague, and, being 
then in his interval of health, discovered no 
other symptoms of distemper t'nan a pale 
meagre countenance and emaciated body; 
upon which he was declared fit for duty, and 
turned over to the boatswain ; but, being re- 
solved to disgrace the doctor, died upon the 
forecastle next day, during his cold fit. The 
third complained of a pleuritic stitch, and 
spitting of blood, for which Doctor Mack- 
shane prescribed exercise at the pump to 
promote expectoration ! but whether this 



70 



HODERICK RANDOM. 



■was improper for one in his situation, or that 
it was used to excess, I know not, but in less 
than half-an-hour, he was suft'ocatod with a 
dehv!?e of blood that issued from his lung's. 
A fourth, with much difficulty, climbed to the 
quarter-deck, being' loaded with a monstrous 
ascites, or dropsy, that invaded his chest so 
much, he could scarce fetch his breath ; but 
his disease being interpreted into fat, occa- 
sioned by idleness and excess of eating, he 
was ordered, with a view to promote perspi- 
ration and enlarge his chest, to go aloft imme- 
diately. It wp-3 in vain for this unwieldy 
wretch to allege his utter incapacity; the 
boatswain's driver was commanded to whip 
him up with the cat-and-nine-tails ; the smart 
of this application made him exert himself so 
much, that he actually arrived at the puttock 
shrouds ; but when the enormous weight of 
his body had nothing else to support it than 
his weakened arms, either out of spite or ne- 
cessity, he quitted his hold, and plumped into 
the sea, where he must have been drowned, 
had not a sailor, who was in a boat alongside, 
saved his life, by keeping him afloat till ho 
was hoisted on board by a tackle. 

It would be tedious and disagreeable to 
describe the fate of every miserable object 
that suffered by the inhumanity and ignorance 
of the captain and surgeon, who so wantonly 
sacrificed the lives of their fellow-creatures. 
Many were brought up in the height of fevers, 
and rendered delirious by the injuries they 
received in the way. Some gave up the ghost 
in the pre-sence of their inspectors ; and otherS, 
who were ordered to their duty, languished a 
few days at work among their fellows, and 
then departed without any ceremony. On 
the Avhole, the number of the sick was re- 
duced to less than a dozen ; and the authors 
of this reduction were applauding themselves 
for the se^^^ces they had done to their king 
and country, when the boatswain's mate in- 
formed his honour, that there was a man 
below lashed to his hammock, by direction of 
the doctor's mate, and that he begged hard 
to be released; affirming, he had been so 
maltreated only for a grudge Mr. Morgan 
bore him, and that he was as much in his 
senses as any man aboard. . The captain 
hearing this, darted a severe look at the 
Welsliman, and ordered the man to be brought 
up immediately; upon which, Morgan pro- 
tested with great fervency, that the person 
in question was as mad as a March hare ; and 
begged for the love of Cot, they would at least 
keep his arms pinioned during his examina- 
tion, to i>revent him from doing mischief. This 
request the commander granted for his own 
sake, and the patient was prodiiced, who in- 
sisted upon his being in his right vnts with 
such calmness and strength of argument, 'that 
everybody present was inclined to believe 
him, except Morgan, who affirmed there was 
no trusting to appearances; for he himself 
had been so much imposed upon by his be- 
haviour two days before, that he had actually 



unbound him with his own hands, and had 
well nigh been murdered for his pains : this 
was confirmed by the evidence of one of the 
•waiters, who declared he had pulled this 
patient from the doctor's mate, whom he had 
gotten down, and almost strangled. To this 
the man answered, that the witness w^as a 
creature of Morgan's, and was suborned to 
give his testimony against him by the malice of 
the mate, whom the defendant had affronted, 
by discovering to the people on board, that 
Mr. Morgan's wife kept a gin-shop in Rag- 
fair. This anecdote produced a laugh at tho 
expense of the Welshman, who, shaking his 
head with seme emotion, said, ' Ay, ay, 'tis 
no matter. Cot knows, it is an arrant false- 
hood.' Captain Oakum, without any farther 
hesitation, ordered the fellow to be unfet- 
tered ; at the same time, threatening to make 
Morgan exchange situations with him for his 
spite ; but the Briton no sooner heard the 
decision in favour of the madman, than ho 
got up to the mizon-shrouds, crying to Thomp- 
son and me to get out of his reach, for wo 
should see him play the devil with a ven- 
geance. We did not think fit to disregard 
his caution, and accordingly got up on tho 
poop, whence we beheld the maniac (as soon 
as he was released) fly at the captain like a 
fury, crying, ' I'll let you know, you scoun- 
drel, that I am commander of this vessel,' and 
pummel him without mercy. The surgeon, 
who went to the assistance of his patron, 
shared the same fate ; and it was with the 
utmost difficulty that he was mastered at last, 
after having done great execution among those 
who opposed him. 



CHAPTER XXVni. 

Tlie Captain enraged, threatens to X'ut the 
Madman to death with his oivnhand — is 
diverted from that resolution hy the argu- 
ments and2yersxiasion of the first Lieutenant 
and Surgeon — %cc set sail for St. Helen's, 

join thefi.eet ^mder the command of Sir C 

gle, and proceed for tlie West Indies — 

are overtaken by a terrible tempest — my 
friend Jack BattJin has his leg broken by a 
fall from the mainyard — the behaviour of 
Dr. Mackshane — Jack opposes the amputa- 
tion of his limb, in which he is seconded by 
Morgan and me, who xmdertake the cure and 
perform it successfully. 

THE captain was carried into his cabin, so 
enraged with the treatment he had re- 
ceived, that he ordered the fellow to bo 
brought before him, that he might have tho 
pleasure of pistoling him with his own hand ; 
and would certainly have satisfied his revenge 
in this manner, had not the first lieutenant re- 
monstrated against it, by observing that, in 
all appearance, the fellow was not mad, but 
desperate ; that he had been hired by some 
enemy of the captain's to assassinate him, 
and therefore ought to be kept in irons till ho 



RODERICK RANDOSr. 



71 



could be brouprht to a court-martial, •which, 
no doubt, would sift the affair to the bottom 
(by which means important discoveries mi^ht 
be made), and then sentence the criminal to 
a death adequate to his demerits. This sug- 
gestion, improbable as it was, had the desired 
effect upon the captain, beingr exactly calcu- 
lated for the meridan of his intellects ; more 
especially as Dr. Mackshane espoused this 
opinion, in consequence of his previous decla- 
ration that the man was not mad. Morgan 
finding there was no more damage done, could 
not help discovering by his countenance the 
pleasure he enjoyed on this occasion ; and, 
while he bathed the doctor's face with an em- 
brocation, ventured to ask him, Avhether ho 
thought there were more fools or madmen on 
board ? But he would have been wiser in 
containing this sally, which Ids patient care- 
fully laid up in his memory, to be taken notice 
of at a more fit season. Meanwhile we 
weighed anchor, and, on our way to the 
Downs, the madman, who was treated as a 
prisoner, took an opportunity, wliile the sen- 
tinel attending him was at the head, to leap 
overboard, and frustrate the revenge of the 
captain. We stayed not long at the Downs, 
but took the benefit of the first easterly wind 
to go round to Spithead : where, having received 
provisions "n board for six months, we sailed 
from St. Helen's in the grand fleet bound for 
the West Indies, on the ever-memorable expe- 
dition of Carthagena. 

It was not without great mortification I 
saw myself on the point of being transported 
to such a distant and unhealthy climate, 
destitute of every convenience that could 
render sucli a voyage supportable, and under 
the dominion of an arbitrary tyrant, whoso 
command was almost intolerable ; however, 
as these complaints were common to a great 
many on board, I resolved to submit patiently 
to my fate, and contrive to make myself as 
easy as the nature of the case would allow. 
We got out of the channel with a prospei'ous 
breeze, which died away, leaving us becalmed 
about fifty leagues to the westward of the 
Lizard : but this state of inaction did not 
last long ; for next night our maintop-sail 
was split by the wind, which, in the morning 
increased to a hurricane. I was awakened 
by a most horrible din, occasioned by the play 
of the gun carriages upon the decks above, 
the cracking of cabins, the howling of the 
wind through the shrouds, the confused noise 
of the ship's crew, the pipes of the boatswain 
and his mates, the trumpets of the lieutenants, 
and the clanking of the chain pumps. Mor- 
gan who had never been at sea before, turned 
out in a great hurry, crying, ' Cot have mercy 
and compassion upon us ! I believe we have 
cot upon the confines of Lucifer and the 
d — n'd ! ' while poor Thompson lay quaking 
in his hammock, putting up petitions to 
heaven for our safety, I rose and joined the 
Welshman, with whom (after having fortified 
ourselves with brandy) I went above ; but if 



my sense of hearing was startled before, how 
must my sight have been apalled in behold- 
ing the effects of the storm I The sea was 
swelled into billows mountain-high, on the 
top of which our ship sometimes hung as if 
it were about to be precipitated to the abyss 
below ! Sometimes wo sank between two 
waves that rose on each side higher than our 
topmast-head, and threatened by dashing to- 
gether to overwhelm us in a moment ! Of all 
our fleet, consisting of a hundred and fifty 
sail, scarce twelve appeared, and these driving 
under then* bare poles, at the mercy of the 
tempest. At length the mast of one of them 
gave way, and tumbled overboard with a 
hideous crash ! Nor was the prospect in our 
own ship much more agreeable ; a number 
of officers and sailors ran backward and for- 
ward with distraction in their looks, halloaing 
to one another, and undetermined what they 
should attend to first. Some clung to the 
yards, endeavouring to unbend the sails that 
were split into a thousand pieces flapping in 
the wind; others tried to furl those which 
were yet whole, while the masts, at every 
pitch, bent and quivered like twigs, as if 
they would have shivered into innumerable 
splinters ! While I considered this scene 
with equal terror and astonishment, one of 
the main braces broke, by the shock whereof 
two sailors were flung from the yard's arm 
into the sea, where they perished, and poor 
Jack Rattlin thrown down upon the deck, at 
the expense of a broken leg. Morgan and I 
i-an immediately to his assistance, and found 
a splinter of the shin-bone thrust by the 
violence of the fall through the skin ; as this 
was a case of too great consequence to bo 
treated without the authority of the doctor 
I went down to his cabin to inform him of the 
accident, as well as to bring up dressings 
which we always kept ready prepared. I en- 
tered his apartment witliout any ceremony, 
and, by the glimmering of a lamp, perceived 
him on his Knees before something that very 
much resembled a crucifix; but this I will 
not insist upon, that I may not seem too much 
a slave to common report, which indeerl as- 
sisted my conjecture on this occasion, by re- 
presenting Dr. Mackshane as a member of the 
church of Rome. Be this as it ■will, he got up 
in a sort of confusion, occasioned (I suppose) 
by his being disturbed in his devotion, and in 
a trice snatched the subject of my suspicion 
from my sight. 

After making an apology for my intrusion, 
I acquainted him with the situatien of Eat- 
tlin, but could by no means prevail upon him 
to visit him on deck, where he lay ; he bade 
mo desire the boatswain to order some of the 
men to carry him down to the cockpit, ' and 
in the meantime,' said he, ' I vdU. direct Thomp- 
son to get ready the dressings.' When I sig- 
nified to the boatswain the doctor's desire, he 
swore a terrible oath, that he could not spare 
one man from deck, because he expected the 
mast would go by the board every minute. 



72 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



This piece of information did not at all con- 
tribute to my peace of mind ; however, as my 
friend Eattlin complained very much, with 
the assistance of Morgan I supported him to 
the lower deck, whither Mr. Mackshane, after 
much entreaty, ventured to come, attended by 
Thompson, with a box full of dressings, and 
his own servant, who carried a whole set of 
capital instruments. He examined the frac- 
ture and the wound, and concluding, from a 
livid colour extending itself upon the limb, 
that mortification would ensue, resolved to 
amputate the leg immediately. This was a 
dreadful sentence to the patient, who, recruit- 
ing himself with a quid of tobacco, pronounced 
with a woful countenance, 'What! is there no 
remedy, doctor ! must I be dock'd ? can't you 
splice it ? ' ' Assuredly, Doctor Mackshane,' 
said the first mate, ' with submission, and de- 
ference, and veneration, to your superior 
apilities, and opportunities, and stations, look 
you, I do apprehend, and conjure, and aver, 
that there is no occasion nor necessity to 
smite oft' this poor man's leg.' ' God Almighty 
bless you, dear Welshman ! ' cried Rattlin, 
' may you have fair wind and weather where- 
soever you're bound, and come to an anchor 
in the road of heaven at last ! ' Mackshane, 
very much incensed at his mate's differing in 
opinion from him, so openly, answered, that 
he was not bound to give an account of his 
practice to him ; and in a peremptory tone, 
ordered him to apply the tourniquet. At tho 
sight of which, Jack, starting up, cried, 
' Avast, avast ! d — n my heart, if you clap 
vnur nippers on me, till I know wherefore ! 
iMi-r Eandom, Avon't you lend a hand towards 
saving my precious limb ! Odd's heart, if 
Lieutenant Bowling was here, he would not 
suffer Jack Rattlin'sleg to bo chopped off like 
a piece of old junk.' 

This pathetic address to me, joined to my 
inclination to serve my honest friend, and tho 
reasons I had to believe there was no danger 
in delaying tho amputation, induced mo to 
declare myself of the first mate's opinion, and 
aifirm that the preternatural colour of tho 
skin was owing to an inflammation, occa- 
sioned by a contusion, and common in all 
such cases, without any indication of an ap- 
proaching gangrene. Morgan, who had a 
great opinion of my skill,' manifestly exulted 
in my fellowship, and asked Thompson's sen- 
timents in the matter, in hopes of strengthen- 
ing our association with him too ; but he, 
being of a meek disposition, and either dread- 
ing the enmity of the surgean, or speaking 
the dictates of his own judgment, in a modest 
manner espoused the opinion of Mackshane, 
who by this time having consulted with him- 
self, determined to act in such a manner as 
to screen himself from censure, and at the 
same time revenge himself on us, for our arro- 
gance in contradicting him. With this view, 
he asked, if we would undertake to cure the 
leg at our peril -. that is, be answerable for 
tho consequence. To this question, Morgan 



replied, that the lives of his creatures are in 
the hands of Cot alone ; and it would be great 
presumption in him to undertake for an event 
that was in the power of his Maker, no more 
than the doctor could promise to cure all the 
sick to whom he administered his assistance ; 
but if the patient w-ould put himself under 
our direction, we would do our endeavour to 
bring his distemper to a favourable issue, to 
which at present we saw no obstruction. 

I signified my concurrence ; and Kattlin 
was so overjoyed that, shaking us both by the 
hands, he swore nobody else should touch him, 
and, if he died, his blood should be upon his 
own head. ]\Ir. Mackshane, flattering himself 
with the prospect of our miscarriage, went 
away, and left us to manage it as wo should 
think proper j accordingly, having sawed off 
part of the splinter that stuck through the 
skin, we reduced the fracture, dressed the 
wound, applied the eighteen-tailed bandage, 
and put the leg in a box, secundem artem. 
Everything succeeded according to our wish, 
and we had the satisfaction of not only pre- 
serving the poor fellow's leg, but likewise of 
rendering the doctor contemptible among the 
ship's company, who had all their eyes on ns 
during the course of this euro, wi-ich was 
completed in six weeks. 



CHAPTER XXIX. 

MacJcshane's malice — I am tal-coi np and im- 
^nsoned for a sjyy — Morgan meets ivith the 
same fate — Tlwmj'ison is tampered Acith to 
turn evidence against its — disdains the pro- 
posal, and is m,altreatedfor his integrity — 
Morgan is released to assist the Hurgeon 
during an engagement u-ith some French 
ships of war — I remain fettered on the pioop, 
exposed to the enemy's shot, and grow de- 
lirious ivith fear — am comforted ajter the 
battle by Morgan, u-lw speaks freely of the 
ca2ytain, is overheard by the sentiyiel, ulio 
informs agaitist him, and again imprisoned 
— Thompson grows desperate, and, noticith- 
standing the remonstrances of Morgan and 
me, goes overboard in the night. 

TN" the meantime tho storm subsided into a 
I brisk gale, that carried us into tho warm 
latitudes, where the weather became intole- 
raV)le, and tho crew very sickly. The doctor 
left nothing unattempted towards the com- 
pletion of his vengeance against tho Welsh- 
man and me. He went among the sick, 
under pretence of inquiring into their grie- 
vances, with a view of picking up complaints i 
to our prejudice; but, finding himself fru.s- ^ 
trated in that expectation by the good-will 
we had procured from the patients by our 
diligence and humanity, he took the resolu- 
tion of listening to our conversation, by 
hiding himself behind tho canvas tliat sur- 
rounded our berth ; here too he was detected 
by the boy of our mess, who acquainted us 
with this piece of behaviour, and one night, 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



whilo we wore picking a large bone of salt 
beef, Morgan discerned something stir on the 
outside of our hangings, which immediately 
interpreting to be the doctor, he tipped me 
the wink, and pointed to the place, where I 
could perceive somebody standing ; upon 
which, I snatched up the bone, and levelled 
it with all my force at him, saying, ' Whoever 
you are, take that for your curiosity.' It had 
the desired effect, for we heard the listener 
tumble do^vn, and afterwards crawl to his 
own cabin. I applauded myself much for 
this feat, which turned out one of the most 
unlucky exploits of my life, Mackshane, from 
that time, marking me out for destruction. 

About a week after this exploit, as I was 
going my rounds among the sick, I was 
taken prisoner, and carried to the poop by 
the master-at-arms, where I was loaded with 
irons, and stapled to the deck, on pretence 
that I was a spy on board, and had conspired 
against the captain's life. How ridiculous 
soever this imputation was, I did not fail to 
sutfer by it all the rigour that could be shown 
to the worst of crimnals, being exposed in 
this miserable condition to the scorching 
heat of the sun by day, and the unwholesome 
damps by night, during the space of twelve 
days, in which I was neither brought to trial, 
nor examined touching the probability of the 
charge. I had no sooner recovered the use 
of my reflection, which had been quite over- 
thrown by this accident, than I sent for 
Thompson, vsho, after condoling jne on the 
occasion, hinted, that I owed this misfortune 
to the hatred of the doctor, who had given 
an information against me to the captain, in 
consequence of which I was arrested, and all 
my papers seized. While I was cursing my 
capricious fate, I saw Morgan ascend the 

Eoop, guarded by two corporals, who made 
im sit down by me, that he might bo pin- 
ioned in the same machine. Notwithstanding 
my situation, I could scarce refrain from 
laughing at the countenance of my fellow 
prisojier, who, without speaking one word, 
allowed his feet to be inclosed in the rings 
provided for that purpose ; but, when they 
pretended to fasten him on his back, ho grew 
outrageous, and dra^ving a large couteau 
from his side-pocket, threatened to rip up the 
belly of the first man that should approach 
him, in order to treat him in such an un- 
worthy manner. They were prepared to use 
him very roughly, when the lieutenant on 
the quarter-deck called up to them to let him 
remain as he was. He then crept towards 
me, and, taking me by the hand, bade me 
*put my trust in Cot.' And looking at 
Thompson, who sat by us trembling, with a 
pale visage, told him, there were two more 
rings for his fi et, and he should be glad to 
find him in such good company. But it was 
not the intention of our adversary to include 
the second mate in our fate : him he expected 
to be his drudge in attending the sick, and, 
if possible, his evidence against us : with thia 



view he sounded him afar off, but, finding his 
integrity incorruptible, harrassed him so much 
out of spite, that in a short time this mild 
creature grew weary of his life. 

While I and my fellow prisoner comforted 
each other in our tribulation, the admiral dis- 
covered four sail to leeward, and made signal 
for our ship and four more to chase ; here- 
upon everything was cleared for an engage- 
ment, and Mackshane, foreseeing he should 
have occasion for more assistants than one, 
obtained Morgan's liberty, while I was left 
in this deplorable posture to the chance of 
battle. It was almost dark when we came 
up with the stemmost chase, which we hailed, 
and inquired who thoy were. They gave us 
to understand they were French men-of-war, 
upon which Captain Oakum commanded them 
to send their boat on board of him ! but they 
refused, telling him, if he had any business 
with them, to come on board of their ship : 
he then threatened to pour in a broadside 
upon them, which they promised to return. 
Both sides were as good as their word, and 
the engagement began •with great fury. The 
reader may guess how I passed my time, 
lying in this helpless situation, amidst tho 
terrors of a sea-tight ; expecting every mo- 
ment to be cut asunder, or dashed in pieces 
by the enemy's shot ! I endeavoured to com- 
pose myself as much as possible, by reflecting 
that I was not a whit more exposed than 
those who were stationed about me ; but, 
when I beheld them employed without inter- 
mission in annoying tho foe, and enoouraged 
hj the society and behaviour of one another, 
I could easily perceive a wide difference be- 
tween their condition and mine : however, I 
concealed my agitation as well as I could, till 
the head of the officer of marines, who stood 
near me, being shot off, bounced from tho 
deck athwart my face, leaving me well nigh 
blinded with brains. I could contain my- 
self no longer, but began to bellow with all 
the strength of my lungs ; when a drummer, 
coming towards me, asked if I was wounded, 
and, before I could answer, received a great 
shot in his belly, which tore out his entrails, 
and he fell flat on my breast. This accident 
entirely bereft me of all discretion ; I re- 
doubled my cries, which were drowned in tho 
noiso of the battle ; and, finding myself dis- 
regarded, lost all patience, and became frantic. 
I vented my rage in oaths and execrations, 
till my spirits, being quite exhausted, I re- 
mained quiet, as insensible of the load that 
oppressed me. 

"The engagement lasted till broad day, when 
Captain Oakum, finding ho was like to gain 
neither honour nor advantage by the affair, 
pretended to be undeceived by seeing their 
colours ; and, hailing the ship whom he had 
fought all night, protested he believed them 
Spaniards ; and the guns being silenced on 
each side, ordered the barge to be hoisted out, 
and went on board the French commodore. 
Our loss amounted to ten killed, and eighteen 



74 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



wounded, most part of whom afterwards died. 
My fellow-mates had no sooner despatched 
their business in the cock-pit, than, full of 
friendly concern, they came to visit me, 
Morgan, ascending first, and seeing my face 
almost covered with brains and blood, con- 
cluded I was no longer a man for this world ; 
and, calling to Thompson with great emotion, 
bade him come up, and take his last farewell 
of his comrade and countryman, who was 
posted to a better place, where there were no 
Mackshanes nor Oakums to asperse and tor- 
ment him. ' No,' said he, taking me by the 
hand, ' you are going to a country where there 
is more respect shown to unfortunate shen- 
tlemen, and where you will have the satisfac- 
tion of peholding your adversaries tossing 
upon pillows of puming primstone.' Thomp- 
son, alarmed at this apostrophe, made haste 
to the place where I lay, and sitting down by 
me, with tears in his eyes inquired into the na- 
ture of my calamity. By this time I had recol- 
lected myself so far as to be able to converse 
rationally with my friends, whom, to their 
g^eat satisfaction, I immediately undeceived 
with regard to their apprehension of my 
being mortally wounded. 

After I had got myself disengaged from the 
carnage in which I wallowed, and partaken 
of a refreshment which my friends brought 
along with them, we entered into discourse 
upon the hardships we sustained, and spoko 
very freely of the authors of our misery ; but 
our discourse being overheard by the sentinel 
who guarded mo, he was no sooner relieved 
than he reported to the captain every syllable 
of our conversation, according to the orders 
he had received. The effect of this informa- 
tion soon appeared in the arrival of the 
master-at-arms, who replace! Morgan in his 
former station, and gave the second mate a 
caution to keep a strict guard over his tongue, 
if he did not choose to accompany us in our 
confinement. Thompson, foreseeing that the 
whole slavery of attending the sick and 
wounded, as well as the cruelty of Mackshane, 
must now f.xll upon his shoulders, grew des- 

Eerate at the prospect, and, though I never 
eard him swear before, imprecated dreadful 
curses on the heads of his oppressors, declar- 
ing that he would rather quit life altogether 
than be much longer under the power of such 
barbarians. I was not a little startled at his 
vivacity, and endeavoured to alleviate his 
complaints, by representing the subject of 
my own, with as much aggravation as it 
would boar, by which comparison he might 
BOO tho balance of misfortune lay on ray side, 
and take an example from me of fortitude 
and submission, till such time as we could 
procure redress, which I hoped was not far off, 
considering that we should probably be in a 
harbour in less than three days, where we 
should have an opportunity of preferring our 
complaints to tho admiral. Tlie Welshman 
joined in my remonstrance, and was at groat 
pains to demonstrate that it was every man's 



duty as well as interest to resign himself to 
the divine will, and look upon himself as a 
sentinel upon duty, who is by no means at 
liberty to leave his post before he is relieved. 
Thompson listened attentively to what he 
said, and at last, shedding a flood of tears, 
shook his head, and left us without making 
any reply. About eleven at night he came to 
see us again with a settled gloom on his 
countenance, and gave us to understand that 
he had undergone exces5sive toil since he saw 
us, and in recompense had been grossly abused 
by the doctor, who taxed him with being con- 
federate with us, in a design of taking away 
his life and that of the captain. After some 
time spent in mutual exhortation, he got up, 
and squeezing me by the hand with an un- 
common fervour, cried, ' God bless you both!' 
and left us to wonder at his singular manner 
of parting with lis, which did not fail to make 
a deep impression on us both. 

Next morning, when the hour of visitation 
came round, this unhappy young man was 
missing, and, after strict scareli, supposed to 
have gone overboard in tho night j and this 
was certainly the case. 



CHAPTER XXX. 

We lament the fate of our coyyipanion — the 
captain offers Morgan his liberty, icliich lie 
refuses to accept — ice arc brought before 
him and examined — Morgan is sent back 
into custodi/, whither also I am remanded 
after a curious trial. 

THE news of this event affected my fellow 
prisoner and mo extremely, as our un- 
fortunate companion had justly acquired by 
liis amiable disposition the love and esteem of 
lis both ; and tho more we regretted his un- 
timely fate, the greater horror we conceived 
for the villain who was undoubtedly tho 
occasion of it. This abandoned miscreant did 
not discover the least symptom of concern for 
Thompson's death, although he must have 
been conscious to himself of having driven 
him by ill usage to tho fatal resolution, but 
desired the captain to set Morgan at liberty 
again to look after the patients. Accordingly 
one of the corporals was sent up to unfetter 
him ; but he protested he would not be re- 
leased until he should know for wh.at he was 
confined ; nor would ho be a tennis-ball, nor a 
shuttlecock, nor a tnidge, nor a scullion, to 
any captain under tho sim. Oakum, finding 
him obstinate, and fearing it would not be in 
his power to exercise his tyranny much longer 
with impunity, was willing to show aomo 
appearance of justice, and therefore ordered 
us both to be brought before him on tho 
quarter-deck, where ho sat in state, with his 
clerk on one side, and his counsellor Mack- 
shane on the other. When we approached, 
he honoured us ■with this salutation : ' So, 
gentlemen, d — n my blood ! many a captain 
in the navy would have ordered you both tO' 
bo tucked up to the yard's arm, without 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



75 



either ju(l<?o or jnry, for the crimes yon have 
been guilty of; bnt, d — n my blood, I have 
too much good nature, in allowing such dogs 
as you to make your defence.' ' Captain 
Oakum,' said my fellow-suS'erer, ' certainly 
it is in your power (Cot help the while) to 
tuck us all up at your wiil, desire, and 
pleasures. And perhaps it would bo petter 
for some of us to be tucked up than undergo 
the miseries to which we have been exposed. 
So may the farmer hang his kids for his 
diversion, and amusement, and mirth ; but 
there is such a tiling as justice, if not upon 
earth, surely in heaven, that wdl punish with 
fire and primstone all those who take away 
the lives of innocent people out of wanton- 
ness and parparity (look you). In the mean- 
time I shall be glad to know the crimes laid 
to my charge, and see the person who accuses 
me.' ' That you shall,' said the captain ; 
' here, doctor, what have you to say r ' Mack- 
shane, stepping forward, hemmed a good 
while, in order to clear his throat, and, before 
ho began, Morgan accosted him thus : ' Doctor 
Mackshane, look in my face — look in the face 
of an honest man, who abhors a false witness 
as ho abhors the tevil, and Cot be judge 
between you and me.' The doctor, not mind- 
ing this conjuration, made the following 
Bjiecch, asnearas I can remember: 'I'll tell you 
what, Mr. Morgan ; to be sure what you say ia 
just, in regard to an honest man, and if so bo 
it appears as how yon are an honest man, then 
it is my opinion that you deserve to bo 
acquitted, in relation to that there aflfair ; for 
I tell you what, Captain Oakum is resolved 
for to do everybody justice. As for my own 

tart, all that I have to allege is, that I have 
cen informed you have spoken disrespectful 
words against j'oiir captain, who, to be sure, is 
the most honourable and gonerous commander 
in the king's service, without asparagcmont 
or accei)tion of man, woman, or child.' 

Having uttered this elegant harangue, on 
which he seemed to plume himself, Morgan 
replied, ' I do partly giiess, and conceive, and 
imderstand your moaning, which I ^vi8h could 
be more cxplicitV but, however, I do sup- 

!>oso, I am not to be condemned upon bare 
learsay ; or, if I am convicted of speaking 
disrespectfully of Captain Oakum, I hope 
there is no treason in my words.' ' But 
there's mutiny, by G — d, and that's death by 
the articles of war ! ' crio<l Oakum : ' In the 
meantime, lot the witnesses be called.' Here- 
upon Mackshane' s servant appeared, and the 
boy of our mess, whom they had seduce<i and 
tutored for the purpose. "The first declared, 
that Morgan, as ho descended the cockpit- 
ladder one day, ctirsed the captain, and called 
him a savage beast, sayiiig, he ought to be 
hunted down as an enemy to mankind. ' This,' 
said the clerk, ' is a strong presumption of a 
design, formed against the captain's life. For 
why P It presupposes malice aforethought, 
and a criminal intention a j^rioi-i.' ' Right,' 
said the captain to this miserable grub, who 



had been an attorney's boy, ' you shall have 
law enough : here's Cook and Littlejohn for 
it.' This evidence was confirmed by the boy, 
who afiirmed, he heard the first mate say, 
that the captain had no more bowels than a 
bear, and the surgeon had no more brains 
than an ass. Then the sentinel who heard 
our discourse on the poop was examined, and 
informed the court that the Welshman assured 
me. Captain Oakum and Doctor Mackshane 
would toss upon billows of burning brimstone 
in hell for their barbarity. The clerk ob- 
served, that there was an evident prejudi- 
cation, which confirmed the former suspicion 
of a conspiracy against the life of Captain 
Oakiun ; for, because, how could Morgan so 
positively pronounce that the captain and 
surgeon would be d — n'd, unless he had inten- 
tion to make away with them before they could 
have time to repent ? This sage explanation 
had great weight with our noble commander, 
who exclaimed, ' What have you to say to this, 
TaflFy P you seem to be taken all a-back, 
brother, ha ! ' Morgan was too much of a 
gentleman to disown the text, although he 
absolutely denied the truth of the comment. 
Upon which the captain, strutting up to him 
with a ferocious countenance, said, ' So Mr. 
son of a bitch, you confess you honoured me 
with the names of bear and beast, and pro- 
nounced my damnation ? D — n my heart ! I 
have a good mind to have you brought to a 
court-martial and hang'd, you dog. Here 
Mackshane, having occasion for an assistant, 
intcr])oscd, and begged the captain to pardon 
Mr. Morgan with his wonted goodness, upon 
condition that ho the delinquent shoidd make 
such submission as the nature of his misde- 
meanour demanded. Upon which the Cam- 
bro-Briton, who on this occasion would have 
made no submission to the Great Mogul, sur- 
rounded with his guards, thanked the doctor 
for his mediation, and acknowledged himself 
in the wrong for calling the image of Cot a 
pcast ; ' but,' said ho, ' I spoke by metaphor, 
and parable, and comparison, and types ; as 
wo signify meekness by a lamb, lechery by a 
goat, and craftiness by a fox ; so we liken ig- 
norance to an ass, and brutality to a bear, 
and fury to a tiger ; therefore I made use of 
those similes to express my sentiments (look 
you), and what I said before Cot, I will not 
unsay V)efore man nor peast neither.' 

Oakum was so provoked at this insolence 
(as he termed it,) that he ordered him forth- 
with to be carried to the place of his confine- 
ment, and his clerk to proceed on the exami- 
nation of me. The first question put to mo 
was touching the place of my nativity, which 
I declared to be the north of Scotland. ' The 
north of Ireland more like ! ' cried the cap- 
tain ; * but we shall bring you up presently.' 
He then asked what religion I professed ; and 
when I answered ' the Protestant,' swore I 
was as arrant a Roman as ever went to mass. 
* Come, come, clerk,' continued he, ' catechise 
him a little on this subject,' But before I re- 



76 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



late the particulars of the clerk's inquiries, 
it will not be amiss to inform the reader that 
our commander himself was an Hibernian, 
and, if not shrewdly belied, a Roman Catholic 
to boot. • You say, you are a Protestant,' 
said the clerk ; ' make the sij^ of the cross 
with your finger, so, and swear upon it to 
that affirmation.' When I was about to per- 
form the ceremony, the captain cried with 
some emotion, ' No, no, d — me ! I'll have no 
profanation neither. But go on with your 
interrogations.' Well then,' proceeded my 
examiner, ' how many sacraments are there F' 
To which I replied, ' Two. 'What are they ':•' 
said he. I answered, ' Baptism and the Lord's 
Supper.' ' And so you would explode confirma- 
tion and marriage altogether ? ' said Oakum. 
' I thought this fellow was a rank Roman.' 
The clerk, though ho was bred under an 
attorney, could not refrain from blushing at 
this blunder, which he endeavoured to con- 
ceal, by observing, that these decoys would 
not do with me, who seemed to be an old of- 
fender. He went on with asking, if I believed 
in transubstantiation ; but I treated the no- 
tion of real presence with such disrespect, 
that his patron was scandalised at my im- 
piety, and commanded him ■ to proceed to the 
plot. Whereupon this miserable pettifogger 
told me, there was great reason to suspect me 
of being a spy on board, and that I had en- 
tered into a conspiracy ^\-ith Thompson, and 
others not jet detected, against the life of 
Captain Oakum, which accusation they pre- 
tended to support by the evidence of our boy, 
who declared he had often heard the deceased 
Thompson and me whispering together, and 
could distinguish the words, ' Oakum, rascal, 
poison, pistol ; ' by which expressions it ap- 
peared, we did intend to use sinister means to 
accomplish his destruction. ^ That the death 
of Thompson seemed to confirm this con- 
jecture, who, either feeling the stings of re- 
morse for being engaged in such a horrid 
confederacy, or fearing a discovery, by which 
he must have infallibly sufl"ered an ignomi- 
nious death, had put a fatal period to his own 
existence. But what established the truth of 
the whole was, a book in cyphers found among 
my papers, which exactly tallied vrith one 
found in his chest, after his disappearance. 
This, he observed, was a presumption very 
near positive proof, and would determine any 
jury in Christendom to find me guilty. In 
my o^vn defence, I alleged, that I had been 
dragged on board at first very much against 
my inclination, as I could prove by the evi- 
dence of some people now in the ship, conse- 
quently could have no design of becoming 
spy at that time ; and ever since had been 
entirely out of the reach of any correspon- 
dence that could justly entail that suspicion 
upon me. As for conspiring against my cap- 
tain's lifo, it could not be .supposed that any 
man in his right wits would harbour the least 
thought of such an undertaking, which he 
could not possibly perform without certain 



infamy and ruin to himself, even if he had all 
the inclination in the world. That, allowing 
the boy's evidence to be true (which I affirmed 
was false and malicious), nothing conclusive 
could be gathered from a few incoherent 
words ; neither was the fate of Mr. Thomp- 
son a circumstance more favourable for the 
charge ; for I had in my pocket a letter which 
too well explained that mystery, in a very 
different manner from that which was sup- 
posed. With these words, I produced the 
following letter, which Jack RattUn brought 
to me the very day after Thompson disan- 
peared ; and told me it was committed to his 
care by the deceased, who made him promise 
not to deliver it sooner. The clerk, taking 
it out of my hand, read aloud the contents, 
which were these ; 

' Dear Friend, — I am so much oppressed 
with the fatigue I daily and nightly undergo, 
and the barbarous usage of Doctor Mack- 
shane, who is bent on your destruction as 
well as mine, that I am resolved to free myself 
from this miserable life, and, before you 
receive this, shall be no more. I could have 
wished to die in your good opinion, which I 
am afraid I shall forfeit by the last act of my 
life ; but, if you cannot acquit me, I know 
you will at least preserve some regard for the 
memory of an unfortunate young man who 
loved you. I recommend it to you, to beware 
of Mackshane, whose revenge is implacable. 
I wish all prosperity to you and Mr. Morgan, 
to whom pray offer my last respects, and beg 
to be remembered as your unhappy friend and 
countryman, 

' William Thompson.' 

This letter was no sooner read, than ^lack- 
shane, in a transport of rage, snatched it out 
of the clerk's hands, and tore it into a thou- 
sand pieces, saying, it was a villanous forgery, 
contrived and executed by myself. The cap- 
tain and clerk declared themselves of the 
same opinion, although I insisted of having 
the remains of it compared with other wri- 
tings of Thompson, which they had in their 
possession ; and I was ordered to answer the 
last article of my accusation, namely, the book 
of ciphers found among mj' papers. ' That is 
easily done,' said I. ' What you are pleased 
to call ciphers, are no other than the Greek 
characters, in which, for my amusement, I 
keep a diary of everything remarkable that 
has occurred to my observation since the 
beginning of the voyage, till the day in 
which I was put in irons ; and the same me- 
thod was practised by Mr. Thompson, who 
copied mine.' ' Avery likely story,' cried Mack- 
shane ; ' what occasion was there for using 
Greek characters, if you were not afraid of 
discovering what you had wrote ? But what 
d'ye talk of Greek characters ? D'ye think I 
am so ignorant of the Greek language, as not 
to distinguish its letters from these, which 
are no more Greek than Chinese ? No, no, I 
will not give up my knowledge of the Greek 
for you, nor nonQ that ever cajns from youi; 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



77 



country.' So sayinj?', -vvlth an unparalleled 
effrontery, ho repeated some pribberish, which 
by the sound seemed to be Irish, and made it 
pass for Greek with the captain, who, looking 
at mo with a contemptuous sneer, exclaimed, 
'Ah, ah I have you caught a tartar ? ' I could 
not help smiling at the consummate assurance 
of this Hibernian, and offered to refer the 
dispute to anybody on board who understood 
the Greek alphabet. Upon which Morgan 
was brought back, and, being made acquainted 
with the affair, took the book, and read a 
whole page in English, without hesitation, 
deciding the controversy in my favour. The 
doctor was so far from being out of counte- 
nance at this detection, that he affirmed Mor- 
gan was in the secret, and repeated from his 
own invention. Oakum said. ' Ay, ay, I see 
they are both in a story ; and dismissed my 
fellow-mate to his cockloft, although I pro- 

f)osed that ho and I should read and trans- 
ate, separately, any chapter or verse in the 
Greek Testament in his possession, by which 
it would appear whether we or tho surgeon 
spoke truth. Not being endued with elo- 
quence enough to convince the captain that 
there could be no juggle nor confederacy in 
this expedient, I begged to bo examined by 
some unconcerned person on board, who un- 
derstood Greek. Accordingly, the whole 
ship's company, ofTicers and all, were culled 
upon deck, among whom it was proclaimed 
that, if anyone of them could speak Greek, 
ho or they so qualified should ascend the 
quarter-deck iramediatelj'. 

After some pause, two foremast men camo 
up. and professed their skill in that language, 
which, they said, they acquired during seve- 
ral voyages to tho Levant, among the Greeks 
of the Morea. The captain exulted much in 
this declaration, and juit my journal book 
into the hands of one of them, who candidly 
owned ho could neither read nor write; the 
other acknowlcdgo<l tho same degree of igno- 
rance, but pretended to speak the Greek lingo 
with any man on board ; and, addressing him- 
self to me, pronounced some sentences of a 
barbarous corrupted language, which I did 
not understand. I asserted that the modem 
Greek was as different from that spoken and 
WTitteu by tho ancients, as the English used 
now from tho old Saxon spoke in tho time of 
Hengist : and, as I had only learned the true 
original tongue, in which Homer, Pindar, the 
Evangelists, and other great men of antiquity 
wrote, it could not be supposed that I should 
know anything of an imperfect Gothic dialect 
that rose on the ruins of the former, and scarce 
retained any traces of the old expression : 
but, if Doctor Mackshane, who pretended to 
be master of the Greek language, could main- 
tain a conversation with these seamen, I would 
retract what I had said, and bo content to 
suffer any punishment he should think proper 
to inflict. I had no sooner uttered these 
words than the surgeon, knowing one of the 
fellows to be his countryman, accosted him in 



Irish, and was answered in tho same brogue ; 
then a dialogue ensiied between them, which 
they affirmed to be in Greek, after having se- 
cured the secrecy of tho other tar, who had 
his cue in the language of the Morea from his 
companion, before they would venture to 
assert such an intrepid falsehood. ' I thought,' 
said Oakum, ' we should discover the impos- 
ture at last. Let the rascal bo carried back 
to his confinement. I find he must dangle.' 
Having nothing further to urge in my own 
behalf, before a court so prejudiced with spite, 
and fortified with ignorance against truth, I 
suffered myself to bo reconducted peaceably 
to my fellow-prisoner, who, hearing the par- 
ticulars of my trial, lifted up his hands and 
eyes to Heaven, and uttered a dreadful groan : 
and, not daring to disburden his thoughts 
to me by speech, lest ho might be over- 
heard by the sentinel, burst forth into a 
Welsh song, which he accompanied with a 
thou.sand contortions of face and violent 
gestures of body. * 



CHAPTER XXXI. 

I discover a subornation against me, by means 
of a qiiarrel between two of the evidences ; in. 
consequence of vMch I am set at liberty, and 
prevail upon Morgan to accept of Ms free- 
dom on the same terms — Mackshane's malice 
— we arrive at Jamaica, from whence in a 
short time we beat up to Hispaniola, in 
conjunction unth the West India squadron 
— we take in water, sail again, and. arrive 
at Carthagena — Reflections on our conduct 
there. 

MEANWHILE, a quarrel happening be- 
tween tho two modern Greeks, tho one, 
to be revenged of the other, camo and disco- 
vered to us tho niysteiy of Mackshane's dia- 
logue, as I have explained it above. This 
detection coming to tho cars of the doctor, 
who was sensible that (now we wore in sight 
of Jamaica) wo should have an opportunity 
of clearing ourselves before a court-martial, 
an<l, at tho same time, of making his nialico 
and ignorance conspicuous, he interceded for 
us with the captain so effectually, that iu a 
few hours we were set at liberty, and ordered 
to return to our duty. This was a hajjpy 
event for me, my whole body being blistered 
by the sun, and my limbs benumbed by want 
of motion : but I could scarce persuade the 
Welshman to accept of this indulgence, he 
persisted in his obstinacy to remain in irons, 
until he should be discharged by a court- 
martial, which, ho believed, would also do him 
justice on his enemies. At length I repre- 
sented to him tho precarious issue of a trial, 
the power and interest of his adversaries, and 
flattered his revenge with the hope of wreak- 
ing his resentment with his own hands upon 
Mackshane after our return to England. This 
last argument had more weight with him 
tha.n all tJ}2 rest, and pvQVftUed upon hipi to 



78 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



repair -with me to the cockpit, which I no 
sooner entered, than the idea of my departed 
friend presented itself to my remembrance, 
and filled my eyes with tears. We discharged 
from our mess the boy who had acted so per- 
fidiously, notwithstandinghis tears, intrkiaties, 
and professions of penitence for what he had 
done ; bnt not before he had confessed that 
the surgeon had bribed him to give evidence 
against us, with a pair of stockings and a 
couple of old check shirts, of which his ser- 
vant had since plundered him. 

The keys of our chests and lockers being 
sent to us by the doctor, we detained the mes- 
senger until we had examined the contents ; 
and my fellow-mate, finding all his Cheshire 
cheese consumed to a crust, his brandy ex- 
hausted, and his onions gone, was seized with 
a tit of choler, which he discharged on Mack- 
shane's man in oaths and execrations, threat- 
ening to prosecute him as a thief. The fellow 
swore in his turn, that he never had the keys 
in his possession till that time, when he re- 
ceived them from his master, with orders to 
deliver them to us. ' As Cot is my judge,' 
cried Morgan, ' and my aalfation, and my wit- 
ness, Avhosoever has pilfered my provisions is 
a lousy, pcggarly, rascally knave ! and by tho 
Boul of my grandsiro, I will impeach, and ac- 
cuse, and indict him of a roppory, if I did but 
know who ho is.' Had this misfortune hap- 
pened at sea, where wo could not repair the 
loss, in all probability this descendant of 
Caractacus would have lost his wits entirely ; 
but, when I observed how easy it would be to 
remedy this paltry mi.schance, he became 
more calm, and reconciled himself to tho 
occasion. 

A little while after this transport the sur- 
geon came into the birth, under pretence of 
taking something out of the medicine chest, 
and, with a smiling aspect, wished us joy of 
our deliverance, which, he said, he had been 
at great pains to obtain of tho captain, who 
was very justly incensed at our behaviour ; 
but he, the doctor, had passed his word for our 
future conduct, and he hoped we should give 
him no cause to repent of his kindness. Ho 
expected, no doubt, an acknowledgment from 
us for this pretended piece of service, as well 
as a general amnesty of what was past ; but 
he had to do with people who were not quite 
so apt to forgive injuries as he imagined, or 
to forget that, if our deliverance was owing 
to his mediation, our calamity was occasioned 
by his malice ; I therefore sat silent, while my 
companion answered, ' Ay, ay, 'tis no matter, 
Cot knows the heart ; there is a time for all 
things, as the wise man saith ; there is a time 
for throwing away stones, and to gather them 
up again.' He seemed to be disconcerted at 
this reply, and went away in a pet, muttering 
something about' Ingratitude,' and ' Fellows," 
of which we did not think fit to take any 
notice. 

Our fleet, having joined another that waited 
for us, lay at anchor about a month in the 



harbour of Port Royal In Jamaica, during 
which time somethmg of consequence was 
certainly transacted ; notwithstanding tho in- 
sinuations of some, who affirmed we had no 
business at all in that place ; that, in order to 
take the advantage of the season proper for 
our enterprise, the West India squadron, 
which had previous notice of our coming, 
ought to have joined us at the west end of 
Hispaniola, with necessary stores and refresh- 
ments, from whence we could have sailed di- 
rectly for Carthagena, before the enemy could 
put themselves in a good posture of defence, 
or, indeed, have an inkling of our design. Bo 
this as it will, we sailed from Jamaica, and, in 
ten days or a fortnight, beat up against tho 
wind as far as the Isle of Vache, Avith an inten- 
tion, as was said,to attack theFrench fleet.then 
supposed to be lying near that place ; but be- 
fore we arrived, they had sailed for Europe, 
having first disjiatched an advice-boat to Car- 
thagena, with an acccount of our being in 
those seas, as also of our strength and desti- 
nation. We loitered here some days longer, 
taking in wood and brackish water, in the uso 
whereof, however, our admirid seemed to con- 
sult the health of tho men, by restricting each 
to a quart a day. 

At length wo set sail, and arrived in a bay 
to tho windward of Carthagena, where wo 
came to an anchor, and lay at our case ten 
days longer. Here, again, certain malicious 
jieoiile took occasion to blame the conduct of 
their superiors, by saying, that in so doing 
they not only unprofitably wasted time, 
which was very precious, considering the 
approach of the rainy season, but also allowed 
tho Spaniards to recollect themselves from a 
terror occasioned by tho approach of an 
English fleet, at least three times as numerous 
as ever appeared in that part of tho world 
before. But if I might be allowed to give my 
opinion of the matter, I would ascribe this 
delay to the generosity of our chiefs, who 
scorned to take any advantage that fortune 
might give them even over an enemy. At 
last, however, we weighed, and anchored 
again somewhat nearer the harbour's mouth, 
where we made shift to land our marines, who 
encamped on the beach, in despite of tho 
enemy's shot, which knocked a good many of 
them on tlio head. This piece of conduct, 
in choosing a camp under the walls of an ene- 
my'? fortification, which I believe never hap- 
pened before, was practised, I presume, with 
a view of accustoming tho soldiers to stand 
fire, who were not as yet much used to dis- 
cipline, most of them having been taken from 
the plough-tail a few months before. This 
expedient, again, has furnished matter for 
censure against the ministry, for sending a 
few raw recruits on such an important enter- 
prise, while so many veteran regiments lay 
inactive at home. But surely our governors 
had their reasons for so doing, which possibly 
may be disclosed with other secrets of tho 
deep. Perhaps they wore loth to risk theic 



\ 



RODERICK RANDOM, 



best troops on such desperate service, or tho 
colonel and field officers of the old corps, 
who, generally speaking, enjoyed their com- 
missions as sinecures or pensions, for some 
domestic services rendered to the court, 
refused to embark in such a dangerous 
and precarious undertaking; for which re- 
fusal, no doubt, they are to bo much com- 
mended. 



CHAPTER XXXII. 

Our Land Forces beiiig disembarked, erect a 
fascine hatterij — our ship is ordered, with 
Jour more, to latter the FortofBocca Chica 
— Mackshane's cmvardice — the Chaplain s 
fri-nzy — honest Rattlin loses one hand — 
Ids heroism and rcjlections on the battle — 
CramjAey's belmviour to me during the 
lieat of the Fight 

OUR forces being landed and stationed as 
I have already mentioned, sot about 
erecting a fascine battery to cannonade tho 
principal fort of the enemy ; and in something 
more than three weeks, it was ready to open. 
That we might do tho Spaniards as much 
honour as possible, it was determined, in a 
council of war, that five of our largest ships 
should attack the fort on one side, while tho 
battery, strengthened by two mortars and 
twenty-four cohorns, should ply it on the 
other. 

Accordingly, the signal for our ship 
to engage, among others, was hoisted, we 
being advertised, tho night before, to make 
everything clear for that purpose; and, in 
so doing, a difference happened between 
Captain Oakum and his well-beloved cousin 
and counsellor Mackshano, which had well 
nigh terminated in an open ruptufe. Tho 
doctor, who had imagined there was no more 
danger of being hurt by tho enemy's shot in 
tho cockpit than in tho centre of the earth, 
was lately informed tjiat a surgeon's mate 
had been killed in that part of tho ship by a 
cannon-ball from two small redoubts that 
were destroyed before the disembarkation of 
our soldiers ; and therefore insisted upon 
having a platform raised for the convenience 
of the sick and wounded in the after-hold, 
where he deemed himself more Bccure than 
on tho deck above. Tho captain, offended at 
this extraordinary proposal, accused him of 
pusillanimity, and told him, there was no 
room in tho hold for such an occasion ; or, if 
there was, he could not expect to be indulged 
more than the rest of the surgeons of the 
navy, who used the cockpit for that puii^ose. 
Fear rendering Maokshane obstinate, he per- 
sisted in his demand, and showed his instruc- 
tions, by which it was authorised ; tho cap- 
tain swore these instructions wcro dictated 
by a parcel of lazy poltroons who were never 
at sea ; nevertheless he was obliged to comply, 
and sent for the carpenter to give him orders 
about it. But, before any such measui-e could 



be taken, our signal was thrown out, and tho 
doctor compelled to trust his carcass in the 
cockpit, where Morgan and I were busy iu 
putting our instruments and dressings in 
order. 

Our ship, with others destined for this ser- 
vice, immediately weighed, and in less than 
half-an-hour came to an anchor before the castlo 
of Bocca Chica, with a spring upon our cable, 
and the cannonading (which indeed was 
dreadful) began. The surgeon, after having 
crossed himself, fell flat on the deck ; and the 
chaplain and purser, who were stationed with 
us in quality of assistants, followed his ex- 
ample, while tho Welshman and I sat upon a 
chest looking at one another with great dis- 
composure, scarce able to refrain from tho 
like prestation. And that tho reader may 
know it was not a common occasion that 
alarmed us thus, I must inform him of the 
particulars of this dreadful din that asto- 
nished us. Tiio fire of the Spaniards proceeded 
from eighty-four great guns, besides a mortar 
and small arms, in Bocca Chica; thirty-six 
iu Fort St. Joseph ; twenty in two fascine bat- 
teries, and four men-of-war, mounting ^xty- 
four guns each. This was answered by our 
land-battery mounted with twenty-one can- 
non, two mortars, and twenty-four cohorns, 
and five great ships of seventy or eighty guns, 
that fired without intermission. 

Wo hail not been many minutes engaged, 
when one of tho sailors brought another on 
his back to the cockpit, where he tossed 
him down like a bag of oats, and pulling out 
his pouch, put a large chew of tobacco in his 
mouth Avithout speaking a word. Morgan 
immediately examined the condition of tho 
wounded man, and cried out, ' As I shall 
answer now, the man is as tead as my great 
grandfathei'.' ' Dead,' said his comrade ; ' ho 
may bo dead noAv, for aught I know, but I'll 
be d — d if he was not alive when I took him 
up.' So saying, he was about to return to his 
quarters, when 1 bade him carry the body 
along with him, and throw it overboard. 
' D — n the body ! ' said he, ' I think 'tis fair 
enough if I take care of my own.' My fellow 
mate, siiatcliing up the amputation knife, 
pursued him half-way up the cock-pit ladder, 
crying, ' You lousy rascal, is this the church- 
yard, or the charnel-house, or the sepulchre, 
or the golgotha, of the ship r' — but was 
stopped in his career by one calling, ' Yo ho, 
avast there — scaldings ! ' ' Scaldings ! ' an- 
swered Morgan ; ' Cot knows 'tis hot enough 
indeed : who are you 'f' ' Here's one !' re- 
plied tho voice ; and I immediately knew 
it to be that of my honest friend Jack Rat- 
tlin, who coming towards me, told me, with 
great deliberation, he was come to be docked 
at last, and discovered llie remains of one 
hand, which had been shattered to pieces 
with a grape ?hot. I lamented with un- 
feigned sorrow his misfortune, which he bore 
with heroic courage, observing, that every 
shot had its commission : ' It was well it did 



80 



RODERICK' MANDOM. 



not take him in the head ! or if it had, what 
then ? ho should have died bravely, fighting 
for his king and country. Death was a debt 
which every man owed, and must pay ; and 
that now was as well as another time.* I 
was much pleased and edified with the max- 
ims of this sea-philosopher, who endured the 
amputation of liis left hand without shrink- 
ing, the operation being performed (at his 
request) by me, after Mackshane, who was 
with difficultj' ])revailed to lift his head from 
the ilecfc, had declared there was a necessity 
for his losing the limb. 

While I was employed in dressing the 
stump, I asked Jack's opinion of the battle, 
who, shaking his head, frankly told me, lie 
believed we should do no good : ' For why ? bo- 
cause, instead of dropping anchor close under 
shore, where we should have to deal with 
one corner of Bocca Chica only, wo had 
opened the harboiir, and exposed ourselves 
to the whole fire of the enemy from their 
shipping and Foi-t St. Joseph, as well as from 
the castle we intended to cannonaile ; that, 
besides, we lay at too g^eat a distance to 
damage the walls, and three parts in four of 
our shot did not take i)laoe ; for there wtis 
scarce anybody on board who understood the 
pointing of a gun. Ah ! God help us ! ' con- 
tinued he, ' if your kinsman, Lieutenant 
Bowling, had been here, we should have had 
other guess work.' By this time, our patients 
had increa.sed to such a number, that wo did 
not know which to begin with ; and the first 
mate plainly told the surgeon, that if ho did 
not got up immediately and perform his duty, 
he would complain of his behaviour to the 
admiral, and make application for his war- 
rant. This remonstrance effectually roused 
Mackshane, who was never deaf to an argu- 
ment in which he thought his interest was 
concerned ; he therefore rose up, and in order 
to strengthen his resolution, had recourse 
more than once to a case-bottlo of rum, which 
ho freely communicated to the chaplain, and 
purser, who hatl as much need of such extra- 
ordinary inspiration as himself. Being thus 
supported, ho went to work, and arms and 
logs were hewed down without mercy. The 
fumes of the liquor mounting into the parson's 
brain, conspired, with his former agitation of 
spirits, to make him quite delirious ; ho 
stripped himself to the skin ; and, besmear- 
ing his bsdy with blood, could scarce bo 
withheld from running upon deck in that 
condition. Jack llattlin, scandalised at this 
deportment, endeavoured to allay his tran- 
sports with reason ; but finding all he said 
ineffectual, and great confusion occasioned 
by his frolics, he knocked him down with his 
right hand, and by threats kept him quiet in 
that state of humiliation. But it was not 
In the power of rum to elevate the purser, 
who sat on the floor wringing his hands, and 
cursing the hour in which ho left his peace- 
able profession of a brewer in Rochester, 



to engage in such a life of terror and dis* 
quiet. 

While wo diverted ourselves at the ex- 
pense of this poor devil, a shot happened to 
take us between wind and water, and (its 
course being through the purser's store room) 
made a terrible havoc and noise amcng 
the jars and bottles in its way, and dis- 
concerted Mackshane so much, that he 
dropped his scalpel, and falling down on hi.'5 
knees, pronounced his /'nfer-jios/fT aloud: the 
purser fell backward, and lay without sense 
or motion ; and the chaplain grew so outra- 
geous, that Rattlin with one hand could not 
keep him under ; so that we were obliged to 
confine him in the surgeon's cabin, where 
ho was no doubt guilty of a thousand ex- 
travagancies. Much about this time, my 
old antagonist, Cramploy, camo down, witli 
express orders, as he said, to bring me up to 
the quarter-deck, to dress a slight wound the 
captain had received by a splinter : his rea.son 
for honouring mo in particular with this 
piece of service, being, that in case I should 
be killed or disabled by tho way, my death 
or mutilation woidd ho of less consequence 
to tho ship's company than that of the doctor 
or his first mate. At iuiother time, perhaps, 
I might have disputed this order, to which I 
was not bound to pay the least regard ; but 
as I thought my reputation depended upon 
my compliance, I was resolved to convince 
my rival that I was no more afraid than he 
of exposing myself to danger. With this view 
I provided myself with dressings, and fol- 
lowed him immediately to tlie (juarter-dock, 
through a most infernal scone of slaughter, 
fire, smoke, and uproar I Captain Oakum, 
who leaned against the mizen-mast, no sooner 
saw me approach in my shirt, with the sleeves 
tucked up to my armpits, and my hands dyed 
with blood, than he signified his displeasure 
by a frown, and asked why the doctor himself 
did not come ? I told him that Cramploy had 
singled me out, as if by express command ; at 
which reply he seemed surprised, and threat- 
ened to puni^^h the midshipman for his pre- 
sumption, after tho engagement. In tho 
meantime, I was sent back to my station, 
and ordered to tell Mackshane, that the cap- 
tain expected him immediately. I got safo 
back, and delivered my commission to tho 
doctor, who flatly refused to quit the post as- 
signed to him by his instructions ; whereupon 
Morgan, who I believe, was jealous of my re- 
putation for courage, undertook the affair, 
and ascended with great intrepidity. Tho 
captain, finding the surgeon obstinate, suf- 
fered himself to be dressed, and swore he 
would confine Mackshane as soon as the ser- 
vice should be over. 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



81 



CHAPTER XXXIII. 

A breach being made in the walls, our soldiers 
gii\' the assault, and take the place without 
Opposition — our sailors at the same tintc 
&come masters of all the other strengths 
mar Bocca Chica, and talce possession of 
the harbour — the good consequence of this 
success — u'e moi-e nearer the toum — find two 
forte deserted, and tfie Channel blocked up 
u'it\ sunk vessels ; which however we find 
tneans to clear— land our soldiers at La 
Quinta — repulse a body of militia — attack 
the castle of St. Lazar, and are forced to 
retreat xdth great loss — the remains of our 
anw) are re-emharked — an effort of the 
Admiral to take the town— the economy of 
ottr expedition described. 

HAVING cannonaded tho fort during the 
space of four hours, wo were all ordered 
to slip our cables, and sheer off ; but next day 
the engajjeinont was renewed, and continued 
from the morning till tho afternoon, when tho 
enemy's fire from Bocca Chica slackened, and 
towards evening was quite silenced. A broach 
being made on the other side, by our land bat- 
tery, large enough to admit a middle-sized 
baboon, provided he could find means to 
climb up to it, our general proposed to give 
the assault that very night, and actually or- 
dered a detachment on that duty. Providence 
stood our friend upon this occasion, and put 
it into the hearts of tho Spaniards to abandon 
the fort, which might have been maintained 
by resolute men till tho day of judgment 
against all the force we could exert in tho 
attack. And while our soldiers took posses- 
sion of the enemy's ramparts without resis- 
tance, tho same good luck attended a body of 
sailors, who made themselves masters of Fort 
St. Joseph, the faacuio batteries, and ono 
Spanish man-of-war ; tho other three being 
burnt or sunk by the foo, that they might 
not fall into our hands. Tho taking of those 
forts, in the strength of which the Spaniards 
chiefly confided, made us masters of tho out- 
ward harbour, and occasioned great joy among 
us, as wo laid our accounts at finding little or 
no opposition from the town : and indeed, if 
a few great ships had sailed up immediately, 
before they had recovered from tho confusion 
and despair that our unexpected success had 
produced among them, it is not impossible 
that wo might have finished the affair to our 
satisfaction, without any moro bloodshed ; 
but this step our heroes disdained as a bar- 
barous insult over tho enemy's distress, and 
gave them all tho respite they could desire, 
in order to recollect themselves. 

In the meantime, Mackshane, taking the 
advantage of this general exultation, waited 
on our captain, and ploa<.led his own cause so 
effectually that he was re-established in his 
good graces ; and as for Crampley, there was 
no more notice taken of his behaviour to- 
wards me during the action. But of all the 
consequences of tho victory, none was more 



grateful than plenty of fresh water, after wo 
had languished five weeks on tho allowauoo 
of a purser's quart per dicni, for each man in . 
the Torrid Zone, where the sun was vertical, 
and the expense of bodily fluid so great, that 
a gallon of liquor could scarce supply the 
waste of twenty-four hours ; especially as our 
provision consisted of putrid salt beef, to 
which tho sailors gave tho name of Irish 
horso; salt pork, of New England, which, 
though neither fish nor flesh, savoured of 
both ; bread from the same countrj-, every 
biscuit whereof, like a piece of clockwork, 
moved bj' its own internal impulse, occasioned 
by tho myriads of insects that dwelt within 
it ; and butter served out by tho gill, that | 
tasted like train oil thickened with salt. In- 
stead of small boor, each man was allowed 
three half-quarterns of brandy or rum, which 
wore distributed every morning, diluted with 
a certain quantity of his water, without either 
8ug;ir or fruit to render it palatable, for which 
reason, this composition was by tho sailors 
not inaptly styled Xccesi^ity. Nor was this 
limitation of simple element owing to a scar- 
city of it on board, for there was at this time 
water enough in the ship for a voyage of six 
months, at the rate of half-a-gallon per day to 
each man: but this fast must, I supi)Ose, have 
been enjoined by way of penance on tho ship's 
company for their sins ; or rather wich a view 
to mortify them into a contempt of life, that 
they might thereby become moro resolute and 
regardless of danger. How simply then do 
those people argue, who ascribe tho groat 
mortality among us, to our bad provision and 
•want of water ; and affirm, that a groat many 
valuable lives might have been saved, if tho 
usoloss transports had boon employed in fetch- 
ing fresh stock, turtle, fruit, and other refresh- 
ments from Jamaica and other adjacent islands, 
for tho use of tho army and fleet ! seeing it is 
to be hoped, that those who died wont to a 
better place, and those who survived were 
the moro easily maintained. After all, a suffi- ^ 
cient number remained to fall before tho walls 
of St. Lazar, where they behaved lik» their 
own country mastiffs, which shut their oyos, 
run into tho jaws of a bear, and have their 
heads crushed for their valour. 

But to return to my narration. After having 
put garrisons into tho forts we had taken, and 
re-embarked our soldiers and artillery (a piece 
of service that detained us moro than a week), 
we ventured up to the mouth of tho inner 
harbour, guarded by a largo fortification on 
ono side, and a small redoubt on tho other, 
both of which wore deserted befoi-o our ap- 

E roach, and tho entrance of tho harbour 
locked up by several old galleons, and two 
men-of-war that tho enemy had sunk in tho 
channel. We made shift, however, to open a 
passage for some ships, that favoured a second 
landing of our troops at a place called La 
Quinta, not far from tho town, where, after a 
faint resistance from a body of Spaniards, 
who opposed their disembarkation, they en- 



82 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



camped with a design of besieging the castle 
of St. Lazar, which overlooked and com- 
manded the city. Whether our renowned 
general had nobody in his army who knew 
how to approach'it in form, or that he trusted 
entirely to the fame of his arms, I shall not 
determine ; but, certain it is, a resolution was 
taken in a comicil of war, to attack the place 
with musketiy only. This was put in execu- 
tion, and succeeded accordingly ; the enemy 
giving them such a hearty reception, that the 
greatest part of their detachment took up 
their everlasting residence on the spot. 

Our chief, not relishing this kind of com- 
plaisance in the Spaniards, was wise enough 
to retreat on board with the remains of his 
army, which, from eight thousand able men 
landed on the beach near Bocca Chica, was 
now reduced to fifteen hundred fit for service. 
The sick and wounded were squeezed into 
certain vessels, which vthence obtained the 
name of hospital ships, though methinks they 
scarce deserved such a creditable title, seeing 
few of them could boast of their surgeon, 
nurse, or cook ; and the space between decks 
was so confined that the miserable patients 
had not room to sit upright in their beds. 
Their wounds and stumps, being neglected, 
contracted filth and putrefaction, and millions 
of maggots were hatched amidst the corrup- 
tion of their sores. This inhuman disregard 
was imputed to the scarcity of surgeons ; 
though it is well known that every great ship 
in the fleet could have spared one at least for 
this duty, an expedient which would have 
been more than sufficient to remove this 
shocking inconvenience. But perhaps the 
general was too much of a gentleman to ask 
a favour of this kind from his fellow chief, 
who, on the other hand, would not derogate 
so much from his own dignitj', as to offer 
such assistance unasked ; for, I may venture 
to affirm, that by this time the Demon of Dis- 
cord, with her sooty wings, had breathed her 
influence upon our councils ; and it might bo 
said of these great men (I hope they will par- 
don the comparison) as of Ca3sar and Pompcy, 
the one could not brook a superior, and the 
other was impatient of an equal ; so that, be- 
tween the pride of one and insolence of 
another, the enterprise miscarried, according 
to the proverb, ' Between two stools the back- 
side falls to the ground.' Not that I would 
be thought to liken any public concern to 
that opprobrious part of the human body, 
though I might with truth assert, if I durst 
use such a vulgar idiom, that the nation did 
hang on arse at its disappointment on this 
occasion ; neither would I presume to com- 
pare the capacity of our heroic leaders to any 
such wooden convenience as a joint-stool or a 
close-stool ; but only to signify by this simile, 
the mistake the people committed in trusting 
to the union of two instruments that were 
never joined. 
' A day or two after the attempt on St. Lazar, 
the admiral ordered one of the Spanish men- 



of-war we had taken to be mounted with six- 
teen guns, and manned with detachments 
from our great ships, in order to batter t'le 
town; accordingly, she was towed into the 
inner harbour in the night, and moored witain 
half a mile of the walls, against which she 
began to fire at daybreak ; and continued 
about six hours exposed to the oppositijn of 
at least thirty pieces of cannon, whijh at 
length obliged our men to set her on fiie, and 
get off as well as they could in their boats. 
This piece of conduct afforded matter of spe- 
culation to all the wits, either in the srmy or 
navy, who were at last fain to acknowledge 
it a stroke of policy above their conprehen- 
sion. Some entertained such an irreverent 
opinion of the admiral's understanding, as to 
think he expected the tovm would surrender 
to his floating battery of sixteen guns : othei-a 
imagined his sole intention was to try the 
enemy's strength, by which he should be able 
to compute the number of great ships that 
would be necessary to force the town to a 
capitulation. But this last conjecture soon 
appeared groundless, inasmuch as no ships of 
any kind whatever were afterwards employed 
on that service. A third sort swore, that no 
other cause could be assigned for this under- 
taking than that which induced Don Quixoto 
to attack the "wdndmill. A fourth class (and 
that the most numerous, though, without 
doubt, composed of the sanguine and mali- 
cious), plainly taxed this commander with 
want of honesty as well as sense ; and alleged 
that ho ought to have sacrificed private pique 
to the interest of his country ; that, where 
the lives of so many brave fellow-citizens were 
concerned, he ought to have concurred with 
the general, without being solicited or even 
desired, towards their preservation and ad- 
vantage ; that, if his argumenis could not 
dissuade him from a desperate enterprise, it 
was his duty to have rendered it as practicable 
as possible, without running extreme hazard ; 
that this could have been done, with a good 
prospect of success, by ordering five or six 
large ships to batter the town, while the land 
forces stormed the castle ; by these means a 
considerable diversion would have been made 
in favour of those troops, who, in their march 
to the assault and in the retreat, suffered 
much more from the town than from the 
castle ! that the inhabitants, seeing themselves 
vigorously attacked on all hands, wonld have 
been divided, distracted, and confus(!d,andin 
all probability, unable to resist the assailants. 
But all these suggestions surely proceeded 
from ignorance or malevolence, or else the 
admiral would not have found it such an easy 
matter, at his return to PJngland, to justify his 
conduct to a ministry at once so upright and 
discerning. True it is, that those who under- 
took to vindicate him on the spot, asserted, 
that there was not water enough for our great 
ships near the town : though this was a little 
unfortunately urged, because there happened 
to bo pilots in the fleet perfectly well ac- 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



83 



quainted with the eoundings of the harbour, 
■w^o affirmed there was water enough for five 
oishty-gun ships to lie abreast almost up to 
thft very walls. The disappointments we 
suffered occasioned a universal dejection, 
whieh was not at all alleviated by the objects 
that daily and hourly entertained our eyes, nor 
by the prospect of what must have inevitably 
happened, had we remained much longer in 
tl*is place. Such was the economy in some 
ships that, rather than be at the trouble of 
interring the dead, their commanders ordered 
their men to throw their bodies overboard, 
many without either ballast or winding, 
sheet ; so that numbers of human carcases 
floated in the harbour, untU they were de- 
voured by sharks and carrion crows, which 
aftbrded no agreeable spectacle to those who 
survived. At the same time the wet season 
began, during which a deluge of rain falls, 
from the rising to the setting of the sun, with- 
out intermission ; and that no sooner ceases 
than it begins to thunde, and lighten with 
such continued flashing, that one can see to 
read a very small print by the iUumiuation. ^ 



CHAPTER XXXIV. 

An epidemic Fever rarjcs among us — we aban- 
- don our Conquests — I am seized with 
IHstempcr — write a Petition to the Captain, 
which is rejected — I am in danger of Suffo- 
cation through the Malice of Crampley, and 
relieved by a Serjeant — my Fever increases 
— the Cluiplain wants to confess me — / ob- 
tain a favourable Crisis — Morgan's Affection 
for me proved — the Behavioxir ofMackshane 
and Crampley to^vards me — Captain Oakum 
is removed into another Ship vAth his he- 
loved Doctor — our netw Captain described — 
An Adventure of Morgan. 

THE change of the atmosphere, occasioned 
by this phenomenon, conspired, with the 
stench that surrounded us, the heat of the 
climate, our own constitutions, impoverished 
by bad provisions, and our despair, to intro- 
duce the bilious fever among us, which raged 
with such violence, that three-fourths of those 
whom it invaded died in a deplorable manner ; 
the colour of their skin being, by the extreme 
putrefaction of the juices, changed into that 
of soot. 

Our conductors, finding things in this situa- 
tion, perceived it was high time to relinquish 
our conquests ; and thi.s Ave did, after having 
rendered their artillery useless, and blown up 
their walls with gunpowder. Just as we 
sailed from Bocca Ohica, on our return to 
Jamaica, I found myself threatened vnth the 
symptoms of this terrible distemper ; and 
knowing very well that I stood no chance for 
my life, if I should be obliged to lie in the 
cockpit, which by this time was grown into- 
lerable, even to people in health, by reason of 
the heat and unwholesome smell of decayed 
provision, I wrote a petition to the captain, 



representing my case, and humbly imploring 
his permission to lie among the soldiers in the 
middle deck, for the benefit of the air : .but I 
might have spared myself the trouble ; for 
this humane commander refused my request, 
andordered me tocontinuein the place allotted 
for the surgeon's mates, or else be contented 
to lie in the hospital, which, by the by, was 
three degrees more off'ensive and more suffo- 
cating than our own berth below. Another, 
in my condition, perhaps, would have sub- 
mitted to his fate, and died in a pet ; but I 
could not brook the thought of perishing so 
pitifully, after I had weathered so many gales 
of hard fortune : I therefore, without minding 
Oakum's injunction, prevailed upon the sol- 
diers (whose good-will I had acquired) to 
admit my hammock among them ; and ac- 
tually congratulated myself upon my comfort- 
able situation ; which Crampley no sooner 
understood, than he signified to the captain 
my contempt of his orders, and was invested 
with power to turn me down again into my 
proper habitation. 

This barbarous piece of revenge incensed 
me so much against the author, that I vowed, 
with bitter imprecations, to call him to a 
severe account, if ever it should be in my 
power; and the agitation of my spirits in- 
creased my fever to a violent degree. Wliilo 
I lay gasping for breath in this infernal abode, 
I was visited by a sergeant, the bones of 
whose nose I had reduced and set to rights, 
after they had been demolished by a splinter 
during our last engagement; he, being in- 
formed of my condition, ofi'ered me the use 
of his berth in the middle deck, which was 
enclosed with canvas, and well aired by a 
port-hole that remained open within it. I 
embraced this proposal with joy, and was 
immediately conducted to the place, where I 
was treated, while my illness lasted, ■with the 
utmost tenderness and care by this grateful 
halberdier, who had no other bed for hinjself 
than a hencoop during the whole passage. 
Here I lay and enjoyed the breeze, notwith- 
standing which my malady gained ground, 
and at length my life was despaired of, 
though I never lost hopes of recovery, even 
when I had the mortification to see, from my 
cabin-window, six or seven thrown overboard 
every day, who died of the same distemper. 
This confidence, I am persuaded, conduced a 
great deal to the preservation of my life, 
especially when joined to another resolution 
I took at the beginning, namely, to refuse aU 
medicine, which I could not help thinking co- 
operated with the disease, and, instead of 
resisting putrefaction, promoted a total de- 
generacy of the vital fluid. When my friend 
Morgan, therefore, brought his diaphoretic 
boluses, I put them into my mouth, 'tis true, 
but without any intention of swallowing 
them : and, when he went away, spit them 
out, and washed my mouth with water-gruel. 
I seemingly complied in this matter, that I 
might not affront the blood of Caractacus, by 



84 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



a refusal which might have intimated a diffi- 
denco of his physical capacity, for he acted 
as my physician ; Doctor Mackshane never 
once inquiring about me, or even knowing 
where I was." When my distemper -was at 
the height, Morgan thought my case despe- 
rate, and, after having applied a blister to 
the nape of my neck, squeezed my hand, bid- 
ding me, with a woful countenance, recom- 
mend myself to Cot and my Eeteemer ; then, 
taking his leave, desired the chaplain to come 
and administer some spiritual consolation to 
me ; but, before he arrived, I made shift to 
rid myself of the troublesome application the 
Welshman had bestowed on my back. The 
person, having felt my pulse, inqiiired into 
the nature of my complaints, hemmed a little, 
and began thus : ' Mr. Random, God out of 
his infinite mercy has been pleased to visit 
you with a dreadful distemper, the issue of 
which no man knows. You may be permitted 
to recover and live many days on the face of 
the earth ; and, which is more probable, you 
may be taken away, and cut off in the flower 
of your youth. It is incumbent on you, 
therefore, to prepare for the great change, by 
repenting sincerely of your sins ; of this there 
cannot be a greater sign, than an ingenuous 
confession, which I conjure you to make 
without hesitation or mental reservation ; 
and, when I am convinced of your sincerity, 
I wiU then give you such comfort as the situ- 
ation of your soul will admit of. Without 
doubt, you have been guilty of numberless 
transgressions to which youth is subject, as 
swearing, drunkenness, whoredom, and adul- 
tery : tell me therefore, without reserve, the 
particulars of each, especially of the last, 
that I may be acquainted with the true state 
of your conscience ; for no physician will 
prescribe for his patient until he knows the 
circumstances of his disease.' 

As I was not under any apprehensions of 
death, I could not help smiling at the chap- 
lain's inquisitive remonstrance, which I told 
him savoured more of the Roman than of the 
Protestant church, in recommending auricu- 
lar confession ; a thing, in my opinion, not 
at all necessary to salvation, and which, for 
that reason, I declined. This reply discon- 
certed him a little ; however, he explained 
away his meaning, in making learned distinc- 
tions between what was absolutely necessary 
and what was only convenient; then pro- 
ceeded to ask what religion I professed. I 
answered, that I had not as yet considered 
the difference of religions, consequently had 
not fixed on any one in particular, but that I 
was bred a jiresbyterian. At this word the 
chaplain expressed great astonishment, and 
said, he could not comprehend how a presby- 
terian was entitled to any post under the 
English government. Then he asked if I 
had ever received the sacrament, or taken 
the oaths ; to which questions, I replying in 
the negative, he held up his hands, assured 
me he oould do me no service, ■wished I might 



not be in a state of reprobation, and returned 
to his messmates, who were malring merry 
in the ward-room, round a table well stored 
with bumbo* and wine. This insinuation, 
terrible as it was, had not such an eft'ect 
upon me as the fever, which, soon after he 
had left me, grew outrageous. I began to 
see strange chimeras, and concluded myself 
upon the point of being delirious ; in the 
meantime, being in great danger of suffoca- 
tion, I started up in a kind of frantic fit, 
with an intention to plunge myself into the 
sea ; and, as my friend the sergeant was not 
present, would certainly have cooled myself 
to some purpose, had I not perceived a mois- 
ture upon my thigh, as I endeavoured to get 
out of my hammock : the appearance of this 
revived my hopes, and I had reflection and 
resolution enough to take the advantage of 
this favourable symptom, by tearing the 
shirt from my body, and the sheets from my 
bed, and wrapping myself in a thick blanket, 
in which inclosure, fer about a quarter 
of an hour, felt all the pains of hell : but it 
was not long before I was recompensed for 
my suffering by a profuse sweat, that, burst- 
ing from the whole surface of my skin, in less 
than two hovirs, relieved me from all my 
complaints except that of weakness ; and left 
me as hungry as a kite. I enjoyed a very com- 
fortable nap, after which I was regaling 
myself with the agreeable reverie of future 
happiness, when I heard Morgan, on the out- 
side of the curtain, ask the sergeant if I was 
alive still ? ' Alive ! ' cried the other, ' God 
forbid he should be otherwise ! he has lain 
quiet these five hours, and I do not choose to 
disturb him, for sleep will do him great 
service.' ' Ay,' said my fellow-mate, ' he 
sleeps so sound (look you), that he will not 
waken till the great trump plows — Cot be 
merciful to his soul. He has paid his debt 
like an honest man — ay, and moreover, he is 
at rest from all persecutions, and troubles, 
and afflictions, of Avhich, Cot knows, and I 
know, he had his own share • — • Ochree ! 
Ochree ! he was a promising youth indeed ! ' 
So saying he groaned grievously, and began to 
whine in such a manner, as persuaded me he 
had a real friendship for me. The sergeant, 
alarmed at his words, came into the berth, 
and, while he looked upon me, I smiled, and 
tipped him the wink : he immediately guessed 
my meaning and remaining silent, Morgan 
was confirmed in his opinion of my being 
dead ; whereupon ho approached, with tears 
in his eyes, in order to indulge his grief with 
a sight of the object : and I counterfeited 
death so well, by fixing my eyes and dropping 
my under-jaw, that ho said, ' There he lies, 
no petter than a lump of clay. Cot help me ! ' 
and observed, by the distortion of my face, 
that I must have had a strong struggle. 
I should not have been able to contain 



• Bumbo is a liquor Qoniposed of rum, sugai-, water, and. 
nutmeg, 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



85 



myself much longer, wlien he began to per- 
form the last duty of a friend, in closing my 
eyes and my mouth ; upon which I suddenly 
snapped at his lingers, and discomposed him 
so much that he started back, turned pale as 
ashes, and stared like the picture of horror ; 
although I could not help laughing at his 
appearance, I was concerned for his situation, 
and stretched out my hand, telling him I 
hoped to live and eat some salmagundy of 
his making in England. It was some time 
before he could recollect himself so far as to 
feel my pulse, and inquire into the particulars 
of my disease ; but when he found 1 had 
enjoyed a favourable crisis, he congratulated 
me upon my good fortune ; not failing to 
ascribe it, under Cot, to the blister he had 
applied to my back, at his last visit ; which, 
by the bye, said he, must now be removed 
and dressed ; he was actually going to fetch 
dressings, when I, feigning astonishment, 
said, ' Bless me ! sure you never applied a 
blister to me — there is nothing on my back, I 
assure you.' But he could not be convinced 
tiU. he had examined it, and then endeavoured 
to conceal his confusion, by expressing his 
surprise in finding the skin untouched and 
the plaster missing. In order to excuse 
myself for paying so little regard to his pre- 
scription, I pretended to have been insensible 
when it was put on, and to have pulled it off 
afterwards in a fit of delirium. This apology 
satisfied my friend, who, on this occasion, 
abated a good deal of his stiffness in regard 
to punctilio ; and as we were now safely 
arrived at Jamaica, where I had the benefit 
of fresh provisions and other refreshments, I 
recovered strength every day, and, in a short 
time, my health and vigour were perfectly re- 
established. 

When I got up at first, and was just able 
to crawl about the deck with a staff in my 
hand, I met Doctor Mackshane, who passed 
by me with a disdainful look, and did not 
vouchsafe to honour me with one word. After 
him came Crampley, who, strutting up to 
me with a fierce countenance, pronounced, 
' Here's fine discipline on-board, when such 
lazy, skulking sons of bitches as you are 
allowed, on pretence of sickness, to lollop at 
your ease, while your betters are kept to 
hard duty ! ' The sight and behaviour of this 
malicious scoundrel enraged me so much that 
I could scarce refrain from laying my cudgel 
across his pate ; but when I considered my 
present feebleness, and the enemies I had in 
the ship, who wanted only a pretence to ruin 
me, I restrained my passion, and contented 
myself with telling him, I had not forgot his 
insolence and malice, and that I hoped we 
should meet one day on shore. At this de- 
claration he grinned, shook his fist, and 
swore he longed for nothing more than such 
an opportunity. 

Meanwhile our ship was ordered to be 
heaved down, victualled, and watered, for her 
returpu to England ; an^ our oaptain, for some 



reason or other, not thinking it convenient 
for him to revisit his native country at this 
time, exchanged with a gentleman, who, on 
the other hand, wished for nothing so much 
as to be safe without the tropic : all his care 
and tenderness of himself being insufficient to 
preserve his complexion from the injuries of 
the sun and weather. 

Our tyrant having left the ship, and carried 
his favourite Mackshane along with him, to 
my inexpressible satisfaction, our new com- 
mander came on board in a ten-oared barge, 
overshadowed with a vast umbrella, and ap- 
peared in everything the reverse of Oakum, 
being a tall, thin young man, dressed in this 
manner : a white hat, garnished with a red 
feather, adorned his head, from whence his 
hair flowed upon his shoidders, in ringlets 
tied behind with a ribbon. His coat, consist- 
ing of pink-coloured silk, lined with white, by 
the elegance of the cut retired backward, as 
it were, to discover a white satin waistcoat 
embroidered with gold, unbuttoned at the 
upper part to display a brooch set with 
garnets, that glittered in the breast of his 
shirt, which was of the finest cambric, edged 
with right Mechlin : the knees of his crimson 
velvet breeches scarce descended so low as to 
meet his silk stockings, which rose without 
spot or wrinkle on his meagre legs, from shoes 
of blue Meroquin, studded with diamond 
buckles that flamed forth rivals to the sun ! 
A steel-hilted sword, inlaid with gold, and 
decked with a knot of ribbon which fell down 
in a rich tassel, equipped his side ; and an 
amber-headed cane hung dangling from his 
wrist. But the most remarkable parts of his 
furniture were, a mask on his face, and white 
gloves on his hands, which did not seem to be 
put on with an intention to be pulled off occa- 
sionally, but were fixed with a curious ring 
on the little finger of each hand. 

In this garb. Captain Whiffle, for that was 
his name, took possession of the ship, sur- 
rounded with a crowd of attendants, all of 
whom, in their different degrees, seemed to be 
of their patron's disposition ; and the air was 
so impregnated with perfumes, that one may 
venture to affirm the climate of Arabia Felix 
was not half so sweet-scented. My fellow- 
mate, observing no surgeon among his train, 
thought he had found an occasion too favour- 
able for himself to be neglected ; and, remem- 
bering the old proverb, ' Spare to speak, and 
spare to speed,' resolved to solicit the new 
captain's interest immediately, before any 
other surgeon could be appointed for the ship. 
With this view he repaired to the cabin in his 
ordinary dress, consisting of a check shirt and 
trousers, a brown linen waistcoat, and a 
nightcap of the same (neither of them very 
clean,) which, for his further misfortune, hap- 
pened to smell strong of tobacco. Entering 
without any ceremony into this sacred place, 
he found Captain Whiffle reposing upon a 
couch, with a wrapper of fine chintz about 
his body, and a muslin cap bordered with 



86 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



lace about his head; and after several low 
congees began in this manner : ' Sir, I hope 
you will forgive, and excuse, and pardon, the 
presumption of one who has not the honour 
of being known to you, but who is, never- 
theless, a shentleman porn and pred, and 
moreover, has had misfortunes, Cot help me, 
in the world.' 

Here he was interrupted by the captain, 
who, on seeing him, had started up with great 
amazement, at the novelty of the apparition ; 
and, having recollected himself, pronounced 
with a look and tone signifying disdain, curio- 
sity, and surprise, ' Zauns ! who art thou ? ' 
' I am surgeon's first mate on board of this 
ship,' replied Morgan : ' and I most vehe- 
mently desire and beseech you, with all sub- 
mission, to be pleased to condescend and 
vouchsafe to inquire into my character, and 
my pehaviour, and my deserts, which, under 
Cot, I hope, will entitle me to the vacancy of 
surgeon.' As he proceeded in his speech, he 
continued advancing towards the captain, 
whose nostrils were no sooner saluted with 
the aromatic iiavour that exhaled from him, 
than ho cried with great emotion, ' Heaven 
preserve me ! I am suffocated ! Fellow, fellow, 
away with thee I Curse thee, fellow ! get thee 
gone ! I shaU be stunk to death ! ' At the 
noise of his outcries, his servants ran into 
his apartment, and he accosted them thus : 
' Villains ! cut-throats ! traitors ! I am be- 
trayed ! I am sacrificed ! WiU you not carry 
that monster away ? or must I be stifled Avith 
the stench of him ? oh, oh ! ' With these in- 
terjections ho sank down upon his settee in a 
fit : his valet-de-chambre plied him with a 
smelling-bottle, one footman chafed his tem- 
ples with Hungary water, another sprinkled 
the floor with spirits of lavender, a third 
pushed Morgan out of the cabin ; who 
coming to the place where I was, sat down 
with a demure countenance, and, according 
to his custom, when he received any indignity 
which he durst not revenge, began to sing a 
Welsh ditty. 

I guessed he was under some agitation of 
spirits, and desired to know the cause ; but, 
instead of answering me directly, he asked 
with groat emotion, if I thought him a mon- 
ster and a stinkard ? ' A monster and a- 
stinkard ! ' said I, with some surprise : ' did 
anybody call you so ? ' ' Cot is my judge,' 
replied he, ' Captain Fiflo did call me both ; 
ay, and all the waters in the Tawy will not 
wash it out of my remembrance. I do afiirm 
and avouch, and maintain, with my soul, and 
my pody, and my plood, look you, that I have 
no smells apout me, but such as a Christian 
ought to have, except the effluvia of tobacco, 
which is a cephalic, odoriferous, aromatic 
herb ; and he is a son of a mountain goat who 
says otherwise. As for my being a monster, 
let that be as it is : I am as Cot was pleased 
to create mo, which, peradventure, is more 
than I shall ever aver of him who gave me 
that title j for I will proclaim it before tho 



world, that he is disguised, and transfigured, 
and transmogrified, with aflectation and 
whimseys ; and that he is more like a papoon 
than one of the human race.' 



CHAPTER XXXV. 

Ca/ptain Whiffle sends for me — Ms situation 
described — his surgeon arrives, prescribes for 
him, and pit^ts him to bed — a bed is put up 
for Mr. Simper contiguous to the state room, 
which, with other parts of the captain's be- 
haviour, gives the ship's company a iiery 
unfavourable idea of their commander — I 
am detained in the West Indies by the ad- 
miral, and go on board of the Lizard sloop 
of tear in quality of surgeon's mate, where I 
inake myself known to the surgeon, who 
treats me very kindly — I go on shore, sell 
my ticket, purchase necessaries, and, at my 
return on hoard, am sur2msed at the sight 
of Crampley, who is appointed lieutenant of 
the sloop — we sail on a cridse — take a prize 
in which I arrive at Port Morant under the 
command of my messmate, ivith whom I live 
in great harmony, 

HE Avas going on with an eulogium upon 
the captain, when I received a message 
to clean myself, and go up to the great cabin : 
and with this command I instantly complied, 
sweetening myself with rose-water from the 
medicine chest. When I entered the room, I 
was ordered to stand by the door, until Captain 
Whiflle had reconnoitered me at a distance 
with a spy-glass. He, having consulted one 
sense in this manner, bade me advance gradu- 
ally, that his nose might have intelligence 
before it could be much offended : I therefore 
approached with great caution and success, 
and he was pleased to say, ' Ay, this creature 
is tolerable.' I found him lolling on hia 
couch with a languishing air, his head sup- 
ported by his valet-de-chambre, who from 
time to time applied a smelling-bottle to his 
nose. ' Vergette,' said he in a squeaking tone, 
' dost think this wretch (meaning me) will do 
me no injury ? May I venture to submit my 
arm to him ?' ' Pon my vord,' replied the 
valet, ' I do tink dat dere be great occasion 
for your honour losing one small quantite of 
blodt ; and the young man ave quelque chose 
of de bonne mine.' ' Well, then,' said his 
master, ' I think I must venture.' Then, ad- 
dressing himself to me, ' Hast thou ever 
blooded anybody but brutes ? But I need not 
ask thee, for thou wilt tell me a most d — able 
lie.' ' Brutes, sir !' answered I, pulling down 
his glove, in order to feel his piilse, ' I never 
meddle with brutes.' ' What the devil art 
thou about ?' cried he, ' dost thou intend to 
twist oS" my hand ?' Gad's curse ! my arm is 
benumbed up to the very shoulder ! Heaven 
have mercy upon me ! must I perish under 
tho hands of savages ? What an unfortunate 
dog was I to come on board without my own 
surgeon, Mr. Simper.' I craved pardon for 



RODERICK BANDOMi 



87 



having handled him so roughly, and, with the 
utmost care and tenderness, tied up his arm 
with a fillet of silk. WhUe I was feeling for 
the vein, he desired to know how much blood I 
intended to take from him, and, when I an- 
swered, ' not above twelve ounces,' started up 
with a look full of horror, and bade me be 
gone, swearing I had a design upon his life. 
Vergette appeased him with difficulty, and, 
opening a bureau, took out a pair of scales, 
in one of which was placed a small cup ; 
and, putting them into my hand, told me, the 
captain never lost above an ounce and three 
drams at one time. 

While I prepared for this important evacu- 
ation, there came into the cabin a young man 
gaily dressed, of a very delicate complexion, 
with a kind of languid smile on his face, 
which seemed to have been rendered habitual 
by a long course of affectation. The captain 
no sooner perceived him, than, rising hastily, 
he flew into his arms, crying, ' 0, my dear 
Simper, I am excessively disordered ! I have 
been betrayed, frighted, murdered, by the 
negligence of my servants, who suffered a 
beast, a mule, a bear, to surprise me, and 
stink me into convulsions with the fumes of 
tobacco.' Simper, who by this time, I found, 
was obliged to art for the clearness of his 
complexion, assumed an air of softness and 
sympathy, and lamented with many tender 
expressions of sorrow, the sad accident that 
had thrown him into that condition; then, 
feeling his patient's pulse on the outside of 
his glove, gave it as his opinion, that his dis- 
order was entirely nervous, and that some 
drops of tincture of castor, and liquid lauda- 
num, would be of more service to him than 
bleeding, by bridling the inordinate sallies of 
his spirits, and composing the fermentation 
of his bile, I was therefore sent to prepare 
this prescription, which was administered in 
a glass of sack posset, after the captain had 
been put to bed, and orders sent to the officers 
on the quarter-deck, to let nobody walk on 
that side under which he lay. 

While the captain enjoyed his repose, the 
doctor watched over him, and indeed became 
so necessary, that a cabin was made for him 
contiguous to the state room where Whiffle 
slept, that he might be at hand in case of 
accidents in the night. Next day, our com- 
mander being happily recovered, gave orders 
that none of the lieutenants should appear 
upon deck without a wig, sword, and ruffles ; 
nor any midshipman, or other petty officer, 
bo seen with a check shirt or dirty linen. He 
also prohibited any person whatever, except 
Simper and his own servants, from coming 
into the great cabin without first sending in 
to obtain leave. These singular regulations 
did not prepossess the ship's company in his 
favour : but, on the contrary, gave scandal an 
opportunity to be very busy with his charac- 
ter, and accuse him of maintaining a cor- 
respondence with his surgeon not fit to bo 
named. 



In a few weeks, our ship being under sailing 
orders, I was in hope of revisiting my native 
country, in a very short time, when tlie ad- 
miral's surgeon came on board, and, sending 
for Morgan and me to the quarter-deck, gave 
us to understand there was a great scarcity 
of surgeons in the West Indies ; that he was 
commanded to detain one mate out of every 
great ship that was bound for England ; and 
desired us to agree between ourselves, before 
the next day at that hour, which of us should 
stay behind. We were thunderstruck at this 
proposal, and stared at one another some 
time without speaking ; at length the Welsh- 
man broke silence, and offered to remain in 
the West Indies, provided the admiral would 
give him a surgeon's warrant immediately ; 
but he was told there was no want of chief 
surgeons, and that he must be contented with 
the station of mate, till he should be further 
provided for in due course. Whereupon 
Morgan flatly refused to quit the ship for 
which the commissioners of the navy had ap- 
pointed him ; and the other told him as 
plainly, that if we could not determine 
the afi"air by ourselves before to-morrow 
morning, he must cast lots, and abide by his 
chance. 

^Vhen I recalled to my remembrance the 
miseries I had undergone in England, where 
I had not one friend to promote my interest, 
or favour my advancement in the navy, and 
at the same time reflected on the present 
dearth of surgeons in the West Indies, and 
the unhealthiness of the climate, which every 
day almost reduced the number, I could not 
help thinking my success would be much more 
certain and expeditious by my staj'ing where 
I was, than by returning to Europe. I there- 
fore resolved to comply with a good grace, 
and next day, when we were ordered to throw 
dice, told Morgan he needed not trouble him- 
self, for I would voluntarily submit to the 
admiral's pleasure. This frank declaration 
was commended by the gentleman, who as- 
sured me, it should not fare the worse with 
me for my resignation. Indeed he was as 
good as his word, and that very afternoon 
procured a warrant, appointing me surgeon's 
mate of the Lizard sloop-of-war, which put 
me on a footing with every first mate in the 
service. 

My ticket being made out, I put my chest 
and bedding on board a canoe that lay along- 
side, and, having shook hands with my trusty 
friend the sergeant, and honest Jack Eattlin, 
who was bound for Greenwich Hospital, I 
took my leave of Morgan with many tears, 
after we had exchanged our sleeve buttons as 
remembrances of each other. Having pre- 
sented my new warrant to the captain of the 
Lizard, I inquired for the doctor, whom I no 
sooner saw than I recollected him to be one of 
those young fellows with whom I had been 
committed to the round-house, during our fro- 
lic with Jackson, as I have related before. He 
received me with a ffood deal of courtesy, and, 



88 



-ROBERICK RANDOM. 



■when I put him in mind of our former ac- 
quaintance, expressed great joy at seeing me 
again, and recommended me to an exceeding 
good mess, composed of the gunner and mas- 
ter's mate. As there was not one sick person 
in the ship, I got leave to go ashore next day 
with the gunner, who recommended me to a 
Jew, that bought my ticket at the rate of 
forty per cent discount ; and, having furnished 
myself with the necessaries I wanted, returned 
on board in the evening, and, to my surprise, 
found my old antagonist Crampley walking 
upon deck. Though I did not fear his enmity, 
I was shocked at his appearance, and commu- 
nicated my sentiments on that subject to Mr. 
Tomlins the surgeon, who told me that Cramp- 
ley, by dint of some friends about the admiral, 
had procured a commission, constituting him 
lieutenant on board the Lizard ; and advised 
me, now he was my superior officer, to behave 
with some respect towards him, or else he 
would find a thousand opportunities of using 
me ill. This advice was a bitter potion to me, 
whom pride and resentment had rendered ut- 
terly incapable of the least submission to, or 
even of a reconciliation with, the ■wretch who 
had, on many occasions, treated me so inhu- 
manly : however, I resolved to have as little 
connection as possible with him, and to ingra- 
tiate myself as much as I could with the rest 
of the officers, whose friendship might bo a 
bulwark to defend me from the attempts of 
his malice. 

In less than a week we sailed on a cruise, 
and having weathered the east end of the is- 
land, had the good fortune to take a Spanish 
barcolongo, with her prize, which was an 
English ship bound for Bristol, that sailed 
from Jamaica a fortnight before, without 
convoy. All the prisoners who were well, 
we put on shore on the north side of the is- 
land ; the prizes were manned with English- 
men, and the command of the barcolongo 
given to my friend the master's mate, with 
orders to carry them into Port Morant, and 
there to remain until the Lizard's cruise should 
be ended, at which time she would touch at the 
same place in her way to Port Eoyal. With 
him I was sent to attend the wounded Spa- 
niards as well as Englishmen, who amounted 
to sixteen, and to take care of them on shore 
in a house that was to be hired as an hospital. 
This destination gave me a great deal of plea- 
sure, as I should, for some time, be freed from 
the arrogance of Crampley, whose inveteracy 
against me had already broken out on two or 
three occasions since he was become a lieu- 
tenant. My messmate, who very much re- 
sembled my uncle, both in figure and disposi- 
tion, treated me on board of the prize with 
the utmost civility and confidence : and, 
among other favours, made me a present of 
a silver-hilted hanger, and a pair of pistols 
mounted with the same metal, which fell to 
his share in plundering the enemy. We ar- 
rived safely at Morant, and, going on shore, 
pitched upon an empty storehouse, which we 



hired for the reception of the wounded, who 
were brought to it next day, with beds and 
other necessaries ; and four of the ship's com- 
pany appointed to attend them and obey me. 



CHAPTER XXXVI. 

A strange adventure — in consequence of which 
I am extremely happy — Crampley does me i 
ill offices with the Captain ; hut his malice ' 
*is defeated by the good-nature and friend- 
ship of the surgeon — rve return to Port 
Royal — our Captain gets the command of a 
larger ship, and is succeeded by an old man 
— Brayl is provided for — we receive orders 
to sail for England. 

WHEN my patients were all in a fair way, 
my companion and commander, whose 
name was Brayl, carried me up the country 
to the house of a rich planter, with whom he 
was acquainted, where we were sumptuously 
entertained, and in the evening set out on our 
return to the ship. When we had walked i 
about a mile by moonlight, we perceived a " 
horseman behind us, who coming up, wished 
us good even, and asked which way we went ? 
His voice, which was quite familiar to me, no 
sooner struck my ear, than in spite of all my 
resolution and reflection, my hair bristled up, 
and I was seized with a violent fit of trembling, 
which Brayl misinterpreting, bade me be 
under no concern. I told him he was mis- j 
taken in the cause of my disorder ; and, ad- 
dressing myself to the person on horseback, J 
said, ' I could have sworn by your voice, that 1 
you were a dear friend of mine, if I had not 
been certain of his death.' To this address, 
after some pause, he replied, ' There are many 
voices as well as faces that resemble one an- 
other; but, pray, what was your friend's 
name?' I satisfied him in that particular, 
and gave a short detail of the melancholy 
fate of Thompson, not without many sierhs 
and some tears. A silence ensued, which 
lasted some minutes, and then the conversa- 
tion turned on different subjects, till we 
arrived at a house on the road, where the 
horseman alighted, and bogged with so much 
earnestness that we would go in and drink a 
bowl of punch with him, that we could not 
resist. But, if I was alarmed at his voice, 
what must my amazement be, when I dis- 
covered by the light the very per.son of my 
lamented friend ! Perceiving my confusion, 
which was extreme, he clasped me in his 
arms, and bedewed my face with tears. It 
was some time ere I recovered the use of my 
reason, overpowered with this event, and 
longer still before I could speak. So that all 
I was capable of was to return his embraces, 
and to mingle the overflowings of my joy 
with his ; whilst honest Brayl, aS"ected with 
the scene, wept as fast as either of us, and , 
signified his participation of our happiness I 
by hugging us both, and capering about the 
room like a madman. At length, I retrieved 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



89 



the use of my tongue, and cried, ' Is ib pos- 
sible ! you can be my friend Thompson ? No 
certainly, alas ! he was drowned ; and I am 
now under the deception of a dream !' He 
was at great pains to convince me of his 
being the individual person whom I regretted, 
and bidding me sit down and compose myself, 
promised to explain his sudden disappearance 
from the Thunder, and to account for his 
being at present in the land of the living. 
This task he acquitted himself of, after I had 
drunk a glass of punch, and recollected my 
spirits, by informing us, that with a determi- 
nation to rid himself of a miserable existence, 
he had gone in the night-time to the head, 
while the ship was on her way, from whence 
he slipped down as softly as he could, by the 
bows into the sea, where, after he was heartily 
ducked, he began to repent of his precipita- 
tion ; and, as he could swim very well, kept 
himself above water, in hopes of being taken 
up by some of the ships astern ; that, in this 
situation, ho hailed a large vessel, and begged 
to be taken in, but was answered that she was 
a heavy sailer, and therefore they did not 
choose to lose time bj' bringing to ; however, 
they threw an old chest overboard for his 
convenience, and told him, that some of the 
ships astern would certainly save him ; that 
no other vessel came within sight or cry of 
him for the space of three hours, during 
which time he had the mortification to find 
himself in the middle of the ocean alone, 
without other support or resting-place, but 
what a few crazy boards afforded ; till at last 
he discerned a small sloop steering towards 
him, upon whi«h ho set up his throat, and 
had the good fortune to be heard and 
rescued from the dreary waste by their boat, 
which was hoisted out on purpose. 

' I was no sooner brought on board,' con- 
tinued he, ' than I fainted, and, when I reco- 
vered my senses, found myself in bed, re- 
galed with a most noisome smell of onions 
and cheese, which made me think at first that I 
was in my own hammock, alongside of honest 
Morgan, and that all which had passed was 
no more than a dream. Upon inquiry, I 
understood that I was on board of a schooner 
belonging to Rhode Island, bound for Jamaica, 
with a cargo of geese, pigs, onions, and 
cheese, and that the master's name was 
Eobcrtson, by birth a North Briton, whom I 
knew at first sight to be an old schoolfellow 
of mine. When I discovered myself to him, 
he was transported with surprise and joy, 
and begged to know the occasion of my mis- 
fortune, which I did not think fit to disclose, 
because I knew his notions with regard to 
religion were very severe and confined ; 
therefore contented myself with telling him 
I fell overboard by accident ; but made no 
scruple of explaining the nature of my dis- 
agreeable station, and of acquainting him 
with my determined purpose never to return 
to the Thunder man-of-war. Although he 
was not of my opinion in that particular, 



knowing that I must lose my clothes and 
what pay was due to me, unless I went back 
to my duty ; yet, when I described the cir- 
cumstances of the hellish life I led under the 
tyrannic sway of Oakum and Mackshane; 
and, among other grievances, hinted a dis- 
satisfaction at the irreligious deportment of 
my shipmates, and the want of the true 
presbyterian gospel doctrine ; he changed his 
sentiments, and conjured me with great 
vehemence and zeal to lay aside all thought 
of rising in the navy ; and, that he might 
show how much he had my interest at heart, 
undertook to provide for me in some shape or 
other, before he should leave Jamaica. This 
promise he performed to my heart's desire, 
by recommending me to a gentleman of for- 
tune, with whom I have lived ever since in 
quality of surgeon and overseer to his plan- 
tations. Ho and his lady are now at Kings- 
ton, so that I am, for the present, master of 
this house, to which, from my soul, I bid you 
welcome, and hope you will favour me with 
your company during the remaining part of 
the night.' 

I needed not a second invitation ; but Mr. 
Brayl, who was a diligent and excellent offi- 
cer, could not be persuaded to sleep out of 
the ship ; however, ho supped with us, and, 
after having drunk a cheerful glass, set out 
for the vessel, which was not above three 
miles from the place, escorted by a couple of 
stout negroes, whom Mr. Thompson ordered 
to conduct him. Never were two friends 
more happy in the couversation of each other 
than we, for the time it lasted. I related to 
him the particulars of our attempt upon Car- 
thagena, of which ho had heard but an im- 
perfect account ; and he gratified me with a 
narration of every little incident of his life 
since we parted. He assured me, it was with 
the utmost difficulty he could resist his incli- 
nation of coming down to Port Royal, to see 
Morgan and me, of whom he had heard no 
tidings since the day of our separation : but 
that he was restrained by the fear of being 
detained as a deserter. He told me that, 
when ho heard my voice in the dark, he was 
almost as much surprised as I was at seeing 
him afterwards : and, in the confidence of 
friendship, disclosed a passion he entertained 
for the only daughter of the gentleman with 
whom he lived, who, by his description, was 
a very amiable young lady, and did not dis- 
dain his addresses ; that ho was very much 
favoured by her parents, and did not despair 
of obtaining their consent to the nvatch, 
which would at once render him independent 
of the world. I congratulated him on his 
good fortune, which he protested should never 
make him forget his friends ; and, towi^rds 
morning, we betook ourselves to rest. 

Next day he accompanied me to the ship, 
where Mr. Brayl entertained him at diuher, 
and we having spent the afternoon together, 
he took his leave of us in the wening, after 
he had forced upon me ten pistoles, as a small 



90 



RODERICK RANDOM-. 



token of his affection. In short, while he 
stayed here, we saw one another every day, 
and g'enerally ate at the same table, which 
was plentifully supplied by him with all kinds 
of poultry, butcher's meat, orang'es, limes, 
lemons, pine-apples, Madeira wine, and ex- 
cellent rum ; so that this small interval of ten 
days was by far the most agreeable period of 
my life. 

At length the Lizard arrived ; and my pa- 
tients being all fit for duty, they and I were 
ordered on board of her, where I understood 
from Mr. Tomlins that there was a shyness 
between the lieutenant and him on my ac- 
count ; the rancorous villain having taken 
the opportunity of my absence, to fill the 
captain's ears with a thousand scandalous 
stories to my prejudice ; among other things 
affirming, that I had been once transported 
for theft, and that when I was in the Thun- 
der man-of-war, I hiul been whipped for the 
same crime. The surgeon, on the other 
hand, having heard my whole story from my 
own mouth, defended me strenuously, and, in 
the course of that good-natured office recounted 
all the instances of Crampley's malice against 
me while I remained on board of that ship. 
Which declaration, while it satisfied the cap- 
tain of my innocence, made the lieutenant as 
much my defender's enemy as mine. Tlio in- 
fernal behaviour of Cramplcy, with reijard to 
me, added such fuel to my former resentment, 
tfiat, at certain times, I was quite beside my- 
self with the desire of revenge, and wjm oven 
tempted to pistol him on the quarter-deck, 
though an infamous death must inevitably 
have been my reward. But the surgeon, who 
was my confidant, argued against such a des- 
perate action so effectually, that I stified the 
flame which consumed mo for the present, 
and resolved to wait for a more convenient 
opportunity. In the meantime, that Mi\ 
Tomlins mipht be the more convinced of the 
wrongs I suftored by this fellow's slander, I 
begged he would go and visit Mr. Thompson, 
whose wonderful escape I ha/l made him ac- 
quainted with, and inquire of him into the 
particulars of my conduct, while he was my 
fellow-mate. 

This request the surgeon complied with, 
more through curiosity to see a person whoso 
fate had been so extraordinary, than to con- 
firm his good opinion of me, which he assured 
mo was already firmly established. Ho there- 
fore set outfor the dwelling-place of my friend, 
with a letter of introduction from me ; and, 
being received with all the civiUty and kind- 
ness I expected, returned to the ship, not only 
satisfied with my character beyond the power 
of doubt or insinuation, but also charmed 
with the affability and conversation of 
Thompson, who loaded him and me with pre- 
sents of fresh stock, liquors, and fruit. As 
he would not venture to come and see us on 
boardj.lest Crampley should know and detain 
him ; when the time of our departure ap- 
proached, I obtained leave to go and bid him 



farewell. After wo had vowed an everlasting 
friendship, he pressed upon me a purse, Avith 
four doubloons, which I refused as long as I 
could without giving umbrage ; and, having 
cordially embraced each other, I returned on 
board, where I found a small box, with a let- 
ter directed for me, to the care of Mr. Tom- 
lins. Knowing the superscription to be of 
Thompson's handwriting, I opened it with 
some surprise, and learned that this generous 
friend, not content with loading me with the 
presents already mentioned, had sent, for my 
use and acceptance, half a dozen fine shirts, 
and as many linen waistcoats and caps, with 
twelve pair of new thread stockings. Being 
thus provided with money and all necessaries 
for the comfort of life, I began to look upon 
myself as a gentleman of some consequence, 
and felt my pride dilate a jiacc. 

Next day we sailed for Port Royal, where 
wo arrived s.afely with our jirizes ; and, us 
there was nothing to do on board, I wont 
ashore, and ha^-ing purchased a laced waist- 
coat, with some other clothes, at a sale, made 
a swaggering figure for some days among the 
taverns, where I ventured to play a little at 
hazard, and came off with fifty pistoles in my 
pocket. Meanwhile our captain was pro- 
moted to a ship of twenty guns, and the 
command of the Lizard given to a man turned 
of fourscore, who had been lieutenant sinco 
the reign of King ^Villiam, and, notwith- 
stan<ling his long service, would have prob.a- 
bly died in that station, had ho not applied 
some prize-money he had lately received, to 
make interest with his superiors. My friend 
Brayl was also made an olhccr about the 
same time, after he had served in quality of a 
midshipman and mato for five and twenty 
years. Soon after thoso alterations, the ad- 
miral pitched upon our ship to carry homo 
dispatches for tho ministry ; and we set sail 
for England, having first scrubbed her bot- 
tom, and taken in provision and water for the 
occasion. 



CHAPTER XXXVII. 

Wc depart for Europe — a misunderstanding 
aHscs between tlie Captain and Surgeon, 
through the scandalous aspersions of Cramp- 
ley — the Captaindies — Cramplcy tyrannises 
over the Surgeon, who falls a Victim to his 
Cruelty — I cm also ill-used — the Ship 
strikes — the bcliaviour of Crampley and 
the Seamen on that occasion — / get on 
shore, challenge the Cajytain to single 
Combat — am trca/'hcrously knocked down, 
vounded, and robbed. 

NOW that I could return to my native 
country in a creditaljlo way, I felt exces- 
sive pleasure in finding myself out of sight of 
that fatal island, which has been tho grave of 
so many Europeans : and, as I was accommo- 
dated with everything to render the passage 
agreeable, I resolved to enjoy myself as much 
as the insolence of Crampley would permit. 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



91 



This insidious slanderer had found means al- 
ready to cause a misunderstanding between 
the surgeon and captain, who, by his age and 
infirmities, was rendered intolerably peevish, 
his disposition having also been soured by a 
long course of disappointments. He had a 
particular aversion to all young men, especi- 
ally to surgeons, whom he considered unne- 
cessary animals on board of a ship ; and, in 
consequence of these sentiments, never con- 
sulted the doctor, notwithstanding his being 
seized with a violent fit of the gout and 
gravel ; but applied to a cask of Holland gin, 
which was his sovereign prescription against 
all distempers : whether ho was at this time 
too sparing, or took an overdose of his cordial, 
certain it is, he departed in the night, without 
any ceremony, which indeed was a thing ho 
always despised, and was found stiff next 
I morning, to the no small satisfaction of 
; Crampley, who succeeded to the command of 
; the vessel. For that very reason, Mr. Tom- 
lins and I had no causo to rejoice at this 
event, fearing thftt the tyranny of our new 
commander would now be as unlimited as his 
power. The first day of his command justi- 
fied our apprehensions : for, on pretence that 
the decks were too much crowded, he ordered 
the surgeon's hencoops, with all his fowls, to 
bo thrown overboard ; and at tho same time 
prohibited him and mo from w^alking on tho 
quarter-deck. 

Mr. Tomlins could not help complaining of 
those injuries, and in tho course of his expos- 
tulation tlropped son;o hasty words, of which 
Crampley taking hold, confined him to his 
cabin, where, in a few day.s, for want of air, 
he was attacked by a fever, which soon put an 
end to his life, after ho had made his will, by 
which ho bequeathed all his estate, personal 
and real, to his sister, and left to mo his 
watch and instruments as memorials of his 
friendship. I was penetrated with grief on 
this melancholy occasion ; the more because 
there was nobody on board to whom I could 
communicate my sorrows, or of whom I could 
receive the least consolation or advice. Cramp- 
ley was so far from discovering tho lea.st 
remorse for his barbarity, at the news of the 
surgeon's death, that he insulted his memory 
in the most abusive manner, and affirmed ho 
had poisoned himself out of pure fear, dread- 
ing to be brought to a court-martial for mu- 
tiny ; for whioh reason, he would not suff"er 
tho service of tho dead to be read over his 
body before it was thrown overboard. 

Nothing but a speedy deliverance could 
have supported me under the brutal sway of 
this bashaw, who, to render my life the more 
irksome, signified to my messmates a desiro 
that I should be expelled from their society. 
This was no sooner hinted, than they granted 
his request; and I was fain to eat in a 
solitary manner by myself during the rest 
of the passage, which, however, soon drew to 
a period. 
Wo had been seren weeks at eea, when tho 



gunner told tho captain that, by his reckon- 
ing, we must be in soundings, and desired he 
would order the lead to be heaved. Crampley 
swore ho did not know how to keep tho ship's 
way, for we were not within a hundred leagues 
of soundings, and therefore he would not give 
himself tho trouble to cast tho lead. Accord- 
ingly we continued our course all that aftei*- 
noon and night, without shortening sail, 
although the gunner pretended to discover 
SciUy iigrht ; and next morning protested in 
form.against the captain's conduct ; for which 
he was put in confinement. We discovered 
no land all that day, and Crampley vv'as still 
so infatuated as to neglect sounding ; but at 
three o'clock in the morning the ship struck, 
and remained fast on a sand-bank. This 
accident alarmed the whole crew ; the boat 
was immediately hoisted out, but as we could 
not discern which way the shore lay, we 
were obliged to wait for daylight. In tho 
meantime, tho wind increased, and tho waves 
beat against the sloop with such violence, 
that we expected she would have gone to 
pieces. The gimner was released and con- 
sulted : he advised tho captain to cut away 
the mast, in order to lighten her; this ex- 
pedient was performed without success : tho 
sailors, seeing things in a desperate situation, 
according to custom, broke up the chests 
belonging to tho ofliccrs, dressetl themselves 
in their clothes, drank their liquors without 
ceremony, and drunkenness, tumult, and 
confusion ensued. 

In the midst of this uproar, I went below 
to secure my own cff"ect.'>, and found tho 
carpenter's mato hewing down tho purser's 
cabin with his hatchet, whistling all the 
while with great composure. When I asked 
his intention in so doing, he replied, very 
calmly, ' I only want to taste the purser's 
rum, that's all, master.' At that instant tho 
purser coming down, and seeing his efl"octs 
going to wreck, complained bitterly of tho 
injustice done to him, and asked the fellow 
what occasion ho had for liquor, when, in all 
likelihood, ho woidd bo in eternity in a few 
minutes. ' All's one for that,' said tho 
plunderer, ' let us live while we can.' ' Mise- 
rable wretch that thou art ! ' cried the purser, 
' what must be thy lot in another world, if 
thou diest in tho commission of robbery?' 
' Why, hell, I suppose,' replied the other, with 
great deliberation, while tho purser fell on 
his knees, and begged of Heaven that wo 
might not all perish for the sake of one 
Jonas. 

During this dialogue I clothed myself in 
my best apparel, girded on my hanger, stuck 
my pistols, loaded, in my belt, disposed of all 
my valuable moveables about my person, and 
came upon deck with a resolution of taking 
the first opportunity to get on shore, which, 
when the day broke, appeared at the distance 
of three miles ahead. Crampley, finding his 
efforts to get the ship off ineffectual, deter- 
mined to consult his own safety, by going into 



92 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



tho boat, •which he had no sooner done, than 
the ship's company followed so fast, that she 
would have sunk along'side, had not some one 
wiser than the rest cut the rope and put off. 
But before this happened, I had made several 
attempts to get in, and was always balked 
by the captain, who was so eager in excluding 
me, that he did not mind the endeavours of 
any other body. Enraged at this inhuman 
partiality, and seeing the rope cut, I pulled 
one of my pistols from my belt, and cooking 
it, swore I would shoot any man who would 
presume to obstruct my entrance. So saying, 
I leaped with my full exertion, and got on 
board of the boat with the loss of tho skin of 
my shins. I chanced in my descent to over- 
turn Crampley, who no sooner got up than 
he struck at me several times with a cutlass, 
and ordered the men to throw me overboard ; 
but they were too anxious about their own 
safety to mind what he said. ITiough the 
boat was very deeply loaded, and tho sea 
terribly high, we made shift to get upon dry 
land in less than an hour after wo parted from 
tho sloop. As soon as I set my foot on trrra 
firma, my indignation, which had boiled so 
long within me, broke out against Crampley, 
whom I immediately challenged to single 
combat, presenting my pistols, that ho might 
take his choice : he took one without hesi- 
tation, and, before I could cock the other, 
fired in my face, throwing the pistol after the 
shot. I felt myself stunned, and imagining 
tho bullet had entered my brain, discharged 
mine as quick as possible, that I might not 
die unrovunged : then flying upon my anta- 
gonist, knocked out several of his fore-tcetli 
with the butt-end of the piece, and would 
certainly have made an end of him with that 
instrument, had he not disengaged himself, 
and seized his cutlass, which he hafl given to 
his servant when ho received the pistol. 
Seeing him armed in this manner, I drew my 
hanger, and, having flung my pistol at his 
head, closed with him in a transport of fury, 
and thrust my weapon into his mouth, which 
it enlarged on one side to his ear. Whether 
the smart of this wound disconcerted liim, or 
the unevenncss of the ground made him reel, 
I know not, but he staggered some paces back : 
I followed close, and with one stroke cut tho 
tendons of tho back of his hand, upon which 
his cutlass dropped, and he remained defence- 
less. I know not with what cruelty my rage 
might have inspired me, if I had not at tliat 
instant been felled to tho ground by a blow 
on tho back part of my head, which deprived 
nie of all sensation. In this deplnrablo situ- 
ation, exposed to the rage of an incensed 
barbarian, and tho rapine of an inhuman 
crew, I remained for some time ; and whether 
any disputes arose among them during the 
state of my annihilation, I cannot pretend to 
determine ; but in one particular they seemed 
to have boon unanimous, and acted with equal 
dexterity and dispatch ; for when I recovered 
the use of my understauding, I fouud myself 



alone in a desolate placC, stripped of my 
clothes, money, watch, buckles, and every- 
thing but my shoes, stockings, breeches and 
shirt. AVhat a discovery must this have 
been to me, who, but an hour before, was 
worth sixty guineas in cash ! I cursed the 
hour of my birth, the parents that gave mo 
being, the sea that did not swallow me up, 
the poniard of the enemy, which could not 
find the way to my heart, the villany of those 
who had left me in that miserable condition ; 
and in the ecstacy of despair resolved to lie 
still where I was, and perish. 



CHAPTER XXXVIII. 

I get np and crawl into a ham, where I am 
•in danger of perishing, through the fear of 
the country people — their inhumanity — / 
am succoured by a reputed u-itch — her story 
— her advice — she recommends me as a I'alct 
to a single lady, wJwse clMracter she ex- 
plains. 

BUT as I lay ruminating, my passion in- 
sensibly abated ; I considered my situation 
in quite another light, from that in which it 
appeared to me at first, and the result of my 
deliberation was to rise if I could, and crawl 
to the next inhabited place for assistance. 
With some difficulty I got upon my legs, and 
having examined my body, found I hatl re- 
ceived no other injury than two large con- 
tused wounds, one on tho fore and another 
on tho hinder part of my head, which seemed 
to be occasioned by the same weapon— 
namely, the butt-end of a pistol. I looked 
towards tho sea, but could discern no remains 
of the ship ; so that I concluded she was 
gone to pieces, and that those who remained 
in her had perished : but, as I afterwards 
learned, the gunner, wlio had more sjxgacity 
than Crampley, observing that it was flood 
when he left her, and that she would probably 
float at high water, made no noise about 
getting on shore, but continued on deck, in 
liopes of bringing her safe into some harbour, 
after her commander should have deserted 
her, for which piece of service ho expected, 
no doubt, to be handsomely rewarded. This 
scheme ho accordingly executed, and was 
promised great things by tho Admiralty for 
saving his Majesty's ship : but I never heard 
he reaped the fruits of his expectation. As 
for my o\vn part, I directed my course towards 
a small cottage I perceived, and in the road 
picked up a seaman's old jacket, which I sup- 
pose tho thief who dressed himself in my 
clothes had thrown away: this was a very 
comfortable acquisition to me, who was 
almost stiff with cold : I therefore put it on, 
and, as my natural heat revived, my wounds, 
which had left off bleeding, burst out afresh ; 
so that, finding myself excessively exhausted, 
I was about to lie down in tho fields, when I 
discovered a bam on my left hand, within 
a few yards of me ; thither I made shift to 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



93 



stajjger, and finding' the door open, went in, 
but saw nobody ; however, I threw myself 
upon a truss of straw, hoping to be soon re- 
lieved by some person or other. I had not 
lain hero many minutes, when I saw a coun- 
tryman come m with a pitchfoik in his hand, 
which he was upon the point of thrusting 
into the straw that concealed me, and in all 
probability would have done my business, 
hatl I not uttered a dreadful groan, after 
having essayed in vain to speak. This melan- 
choly note alarmed the clown, who started 
back, and discovering a body all besmeared 
with blood, stood trembling, with the pitch- 
fork extended before him, his hair bristling 
up, his eyes staring, his nostrils dilated, and 
his mouth wide open. At another time I 
should have been much diverted by this figure, 
which presen'ed the same attitude very near 
ten minutes, during which time I made many 
unsuccessful cffort.s to implore hLs compassion 
and assistance; but my tongue failed mo, 
and my language was only a repetition of 
groans. At length an old man arrived, who, 
seeing the other in such a posture, cried, 
' Mercy upon en ! the leaad's bewitched ! — ■ 
why, Dick, beest thou besayd thyself!' Dick, 
without moving his eyes from the object that 
terrified him, replied, 'O vather! vather ! 
here bo either the devil or a dead mon : I 
doant know which o'en, but a groans 
woundily.' The father, whoso eyesight was 
none of the best, puUed out his spectacles, 
and, having applied them to his nose, recon- 
noitered mo over his son's shoulder : but no 
sooner did ho behold me, than he was seized 
with a fit of shaking, even more violent than 
Dick's, and, with a broken accent, atldros-sod 
mo thus : ' In the namo of the Vather, Zun, 
and Holy Ghost, I charge you, an you been 
Satan, to bo gone to the Red Zea ; bnt an j'ou 
bo a moordered mon, speak, that you may 
liave a Christum burial.' 

As I was not in a condition to satisfy him 
in thi.s particular, ho repeated his conjura- 
tion to no purpose ; and they continued a 
pood while in the agonies of fear. At length 
the father proposed that the son should 
draw nearer, and take a more distinct view of 
the apparition ; but Dick was of opinion that 
Ilia father should advance first, as beinj 
an old man past his labour, and, if ho received 
any mischief, the loss would bo the smaller; 
wherea.s ho himself might escape, and bo 
useful, in his generation. This prudential 
reason had no effect upon the senior, who 
still kept Dick between me and him. In the 
meantime I endeavoured to raise ono hand 
as a signal of distress, but had only strength 
sufficient to produce a rustling among the 
straw, which discomposed the young peasant 
so much, that he sprang out at the door, and 
overthrew his father in his flight. The old 
gentleman would not spend time in getting 
up, but crawled backwards liko a crab, with 
groat speed, till he had got over the threshold, 
mumbling exorcisms all the way. I was 



exceedingly mortified to find myself in danger 
of perishing through the ignorance and 
cowardice of these clowns ; and felt my 
spirits decay apace, when an old woman en- 
tered the barn, fellowed by the two fugitives, 
and with great intrepidity advanced to the 
place where I lay, saying, ' If it bo the devil 
I fearen not, and for a dead mon a can do us 
no harm.' When sho saw my condition, sho 
cried, ' Hero be no devil, but in j'our en 
fool's head. Here be a poor miserable wretch 
bleeding to death, and if a dies, we must bo 
at the charge of burying him ; therefore, 
Dick, go vetch the old wheelbarrow and put 
en in, and carry en to goodman Hodge's back- 
door ; ho is more able than wo to lay out 
money upon poor vagrants.' Her advice was 
taken, and immediately put in execution ; I 
W!vs rolled to the other farmer's door, whcro 
I was tumbled out liko a heap of dung ; and 
should certainly have fallen a jirey to the 
hogs, if my groans had not disturbed tho 
family, and brought some of them out to view 
my situation. But Hodge resembled the Jew 
more than tho good Samaritan, and ordered 
mo to bo carried to tho house of the parson, 
whoso business it was to practise as well as to 
preach charity ; observing that it was suffi- 
cient for him to pay his quota towards tho 
maintenance of tho poor belonging to his own 
parish. When I was set down at tho vicar's 
gate, ho fell into a mighty j a-^sion, and threat- 
ened to excommunicato him who sent, as well 
as those who brought me, unless they would 
move mo immodiatolj' to another place. About 
this time I fainted with the fatigue I had un- 
dergono, and afterwards understood that I 
was bandied from door to door through a 
whole village, nobody having humanity enough 
to administer tho least relief to mo, until an 
old woman, who was suspected of witchcraft 
by the neighbourhood, hearing of my distress, 
received mo into her house, and, having dressed 
my wounds, brought mo to myself with cor- 
dials of her own preparing. I was treated 
with great caro and tenderness by this grave 
matron, who, after I had recovered some 
strength, desired to know the particulars of 
my last disa.ster. This piece of satisfaction I 
could not refuse to one who had saved my life, 
therefore related all my adventures witl.')ut 
exaggeration or reserve. She seemed sur- 
prised at the vicissitudes I had undergone, 
and drew a happy presage of my future lifo 
from my past suffering, then launched out 
into tho praise of adversity, with so much ar- 
dour and good sense, that I concluded she was 
a person who had seen better days, and con- 
ceived a longing desire to hear her story. She 
perceived my drift by some words I dropped, 
and smiling told mo, there was nothing either 
entertaining or extraordinary in the course of 
her fortune; but, however, sho would com- 
municate it to me, in consideration of the 
confidence I had reposed in her. ' It is of lit- 
tle consequence,' said she, ' to tell the names 
of my parents, who are dead many yoai's ago; 



94 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



let it suffice to assure you, they were wealthy, 
and had no other child than me ; so that I 
was looked upon as heiress to a considerable 
estate, and teased with addresses on that ac- 
count. Amon^ the number of my admirers, 
there was a young gentleman of no fortune, 
whose sole dependence was on his promotion 
in the army, in which, at that time, he bore a 
lieutenant's commission. I conceived an affec- 
tion for this amiable officer, which, in a short 
time, increased to a violent passion, and with- 
out entering into minute circumstances, mar- 
ried him privately. We had not enjoyed one 
another long in stolen interviews, when he 
was ordered with his regiment to Flanders ; 
but, before he set out, it was agreed between 
us, that we should declare our marriage to my 
father by letter, and implore his pardon for 
the step we had taken -svithout his approba- 
tion. This discovery was made while I was 
abroad visiting, and just as I was about to re- 
turn home, I received a letter from my father, 
importing that, since I had acted so unduti- 
fully and meanly as to marry a beggar, with- 
out his privity or consent, to the disgrace of 
his family, as well as the disappointment of 
his hopes, he renotmced me to the miserable 
fate I had entailed upon myself, and charged 
me never to set foot within his doors ag^in. 
This rigid sentence was confirmed by my 
motlier, who, in a postscript, gave me to un- 
derstand that her sentimeuta were exactly 
conformable to those of my father, and that 
I might save myself the trouble of making 
any aiiplicatious, for her resolutions were un- 
alterable. Thunderstruck with my evil fortune 
I called a coach, and drove to my husbands 
lodgings, where I found him waiting the event 
of his letter. Though ho could easily divine 
by my looks the issue of his declaration, ho 
read with great steadiness the epistle I had 
received ; and with a smile full of tenderness, 
which I shiill never forget, embraced me, say- 
ing, I believe the good lady your mother might 
have spared herself tlu: trauhle of the last part 
of lier postscript. Well, my dear Betty, you, 
must lay aside all tltoughts of a coach, till I 
can j>rocure the command of a regiment. This 
unconcerned behaviour, while it enabled mo 
to support my reverse of fortune, at the same 
time endeared him to mo the more, by convin- 
cing me of his disinterested views in espous- 
ing me. I was next day boarded in company 
with the wife of another officef, who had long 
been the friend and confidant of my husband, 
at a viUago not far from London, where they 
parted with us in the most melting manner, 
went to Flanders, and were killed in sight of 
one another at the battle of the "Wood. 

' Why should I tiro you with a description 
of our unutterable sorrow at the fatal news 
of this event, the remembrance of which now 
fills my aged eyes witli tears ! When our 
grief subsided a" little, and reflection came to 
our aid, wo found ourselves deserted by the 
whole world, and in danger of perishing by 
want ; whereupon we made application for 
the pension, and were put upon the list. 



Then, vowing eternal friendship, sold our 
jewels and superfluous clothes, retii-ed to this 
place (which is in the county of Sussex) 
bought this little house, where wo lived many 
years in a solitary manner, indulging our mu- 
tual sorrow, till it pleased Heaven to call away 
my companion two years ago ; since which 
time I have lingered out an unhappy being, 
in hopes of a speedy dissolution, when I pro- 
mise myself the eternal reward of all my cares. 
In the meantime,' continued she, ' I must in- 
form you of the character I bear among my 
neighbours. My conversation being ditt'erent 
from that of the inliabitants of the village, 
my recluse way of life, mj- skill in curing dis- 
tempers, which I acquired from books since 
I settled here, and lastly, my age having 
made the common people look upon me as 
something preternatural, and I am actually, 
at this hour, believed to bo a witch. The 
parson of the parish, whose acquaintance I 
have not ])ecn at much pains to cultivate, 
taking umbrage at my supposed disrespect, 
has contributed not a little towards the con- 
firmation of this opinion, by dropping certain 
hints to my prejudice among the vulgar, who 
are also very much scandalised at my enter- 
taining this poor tabby cat witli the collar 
about her neck, which was a favourite of my 
deceased companion.' 

The whole behaviour of this venerable per- 
son was so primitive, innocent, sensible, and 
humane, that I contracted a filial respect for 
her, and begged her advice with regard to my 
future conduct, as soon as I was in a condi- 
tion to act for myself. She dissuaded mo 
from a design I had formed of travelling to 
London, in hopes of retrieving my clothes 
and pay, by returning to my ship, which by 
this time I read in the newspaper was safely 
arrived in the River Thames : ' because,' said 
she, ' you run the hazard of being treated not J 
only as a deserter in quitting the sloop, but \ 
also as a mutineer, in assaulting your com- 
manding officer, to the malice of whoso re- 
venge you will moreover bo exposed.' Sho 
then promised to recommend mo as ser\'aut 
to a single lady of her acquaintance, who lived 
in the neighbourhood with her nephew, who 
was a young foxhunter of great fortune, 
where I might be very happy, provided I j 
could bear with the disposition and manners 1 
of my mistress, which were somewhat whim- 
sical and particular. But, above all things, 
she counselled mo to conceal my story, tho 
knowledge of which would effectually poison 
my entertainment ; for it was a maxim among 
most people of condition, that no gentleman 
in distress ought to be admitted into a family 
as a domestic, lest he become proud, lazy, and 
insolent. I was fain to embrace this humblo 
proposal, because my affairs were desperate ; 
and in a few days was hired by this lady, to 
serve in quality of her footman, having been 
represented by my hostess as a young man 
who was bred up to the sea by his relations 
against his will, and had suffered shipwreck, 
which had increased hia disgust to that way 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



of life so much, that ho rather chose to go to 
eervico on shore, than enter himself on board 
of any other ship. Before I took possession 
of my new place, she gave me a sketch of my 
mistress's character, that I might know better 
how to regulate my conduct. 

' Your lady,' said she, ' is a maiden of forty 
years, not so remarkable for her beauty as 
her learning and taste, which is famous all 
over the country. Indeed, she is a perfect 
female virtuoso, and so eager after the pursuit 
of knowledge that she neglects her person 
even to a de<jree of sluttishnoss ; this negli- 
gence, together with her contempt of the 
male part of tlio creation, gives her nephew 
no great concern, aa by these means he will 
probably keep her fortune, which is consider- 
able, in the family. Ho therefore permits her 
to live in her own way, which is something 
extraordinary, and gratifies her in all her 
whimsical desires. Her apartment is at some 
distance from the other inhabited parts ot the 
house; and consists of a dining-room, bod- 
chamher, and study; she keeps a cook maid, 
a waiting-woman, and footman, of her own, 
and seldom eats or converses with any of the 
family but her niece, who is a very lovely 
crwiture, and humours her aunt often to the 
prejudice of her own health, by sitting up 
with her whole nights together ; for your 
mistress is too much of a philosopher to bo 
swayed by the customs ot tho world, and 
never sleeps nor oats like other peojtlo. 
Among other odd notions, she professes the 
princiides of Rosicrucius, and believes tlio 
earth, air, and sea, are inhabited by invisible 
beiag.s, -Nntli whom it Ls possible for tho hu- 
man speiics to eulertaiu correspondence and 
intimacy, on tho easy condition of living 
chaste. As she hopes ono day to bo admitted 
into an acqu;untance of this kind, she no 
Booner lioard of mo and my cat, than she paid 
mo a visit, with a view, as she has since 
owned, to bo introduced to my familiar; and 
was greatly mortified to find herself disap- 
pointed in her expectation. Being, by this 
visionary turn of mind, abstracted as it were 
from tho world, sho cannot advert to tho 
common occurrences of life; and therefore is 
frciiuontlysoabsentas to commit very strange 
mistakes and extravagancies, which you will 
do well to rectify and repair, as your prudence 
shall suggest.' 

CHAPTER XXXIX. 

My Reception by that Ladu—I become aia- 
moured of No ret ssa— recount the pariicii- 
lars of my lastviisfortimc — acquire the ijood 
opinion of my Mistress— an Account of the 
young Squire— I am made arquaiatcd with 
more particulars of Narcissa's Situation- 
conceive a mortal hatred against Sir 
Timothy — examine my Lady's library and 
performances— lier extravagant behaviour. 

FKAUGHT with these useful instructions, I 
repaired to the place of her habitation, 
and was introduced by the waiting- woman to 



95 



the presence of my lady, who had not before 
seen mo. She sat in her study, with one foot 
on tho ground, and tho other upon a high 
stool at somo distance from her seat ; her 
Bandy locks hung down, in a disorder I can- 
not call beautiful, from her head, which was 
deprived of its coif, for the benefit of scratch- 
ing with one hand, while sho held tho stump 
of a pen m tho other. Her forehead was 
high and wrinkled ; her eyes were large, gray, 
and prominent; her nose was long, sharp, 
and aciuiline; her mouth of vast capacity 
her visage meagre and freckled, and her dim 
peaked like a shoemaker's paring knife: her 
upper lip contained a large quantity of plain 
bpanish, which, by continual falling, had em- 
broidered her neck, that was not naturally 
very white, and the breast of her gown, that 
flowed loose about her with a negUgence truly 
poetic, discovering linen that was very fine, 
and, to all appearance, never u-ashed but in 
Lastahan streams. Around her lay heaps of 
books, globes, quadrants, telescopes, and 
other learned apparatus ; her snnft"-box stood 
at her right hand ; at lier left hand lay her 
handkerchief, sulKciently used, and a" con- 
venience to spit in appeared on one side of 
her chair. Sho being in a reverie when wo 
entered, tho maid did not think proj)er to 
distui'b her ; so that we waited some minutes 
unobserved, during which time sho bit tho 
qudl several times, altered her position, made 
UKuiy wry laces, and, at length, with an air 
ot triumph, repeated aloud : 

' Nor dare th' immortal gods my rape oppose !' 

Having committed her success to paper, 
she turned towards tho door, and perceiving 
us, cried, ' Wliat's tho matter r' ' Here's the 
young man,' replied my conductress, ' whom 
JMrs. Sagely recommouded as a footman to 
your la.lyship.' On this information she stared 
in my face for a considerable time, and then 
asked my name, which I thouirht proper to 
conceal under that of John Brawn. After 
having surveyed me with a curious eye, she 
broke out into ' O ! ay, thou wiust shipwrecked 
I remember. Whether didst thou como on 
shore on tho back of a whale or a dolphin ?' 
To this I answered, I had swam ashoro with- 
out any assistance. Then she demanded to 
know if I had ever been at the Hellespont, 
and swam from Sestos to Abydos. I rei)lied 
in the negative ; upon which she bade tho 
maid order a suit of new livery for me, and 
instruct mo in the articles of my duty : so 
saying, she spit in her snulf-box, and wiped 
her nose with her cap, which lay on tho table, 
instead of a handkerchief. 

We returned to tho kitchen, whore I was 
regaled by the maids, who seemed to vie with 
each other in expressing their regard for mo; 
and from them I understood, that my business 
<!onsisted in cleaning knives and forks, laying 
the cloth, waiting at table, carrying messages, 
and attending my lady when she went abroad! 
1 here was a very good suit of livery in the 



06 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



house, which had belonged to my predecessor 
deceased, and it fitted mo exactly ; so that 
there was no occasion for employing a tailor 
on my account. I had not been long equipped 
in this manner, when my lady's bell rung ; 
upon which, I ran up stairs, and found her 
stalking about the room in her shift and 
under petticoat only ; I would immediately 
have retired as became me, but she bade me 
come in, and air a clean shift for her ; which 
operation I having performed ■\vith some 
backwardness, she put it on before me with- 
out any ceremony, and I verily believe was 
ignorant of my sex all that time, as being 
quite absorbed in contemplation. About four 
o'clock in the afternoon I was ordered to lay 
the cloth, and place two covers, which I 
imderstood were for my mistress and her 
niece, whom I had not as yet seen. Though 
I wixs not very dexterous at this work, I per- 
formed it pretty well for a beginner, and, 
when dinner was upon the table, saw my 
mistress approach, accompanied by the young 
lady, whose name for the present shall be 
Narcissa. So much sweetness appeared in 
the countenance and carriage of this amiable 
ai)parition, that my heart was captivated at 
hrst sight, and while dinner lasted, I gazeil 
upon her without intermission. Her ago 
seemed to bo seventeen, her stature tall, her 
shape unex,ceptionable, her hair, that fell down 
upon her ivory neck in ringlets, black as jet ; 
her arched eyebrows of the same colour ; her 
eyes piercing, yet tender; her lips of the 
consistence and hue of cherries ; her com- 
plf'xion clear, delicate and healthy ; her aspect 
noble, ingenuous, and humane ; and the whole 
])Cr8on so ravisJiingly delightful, that it was 
impossible for any creature endued with 
sensibility, to see without admiring, and ad- 
mire ■without loving her to excess. I began 
to curse the servile station that placed mo so 
far beneath the regard of this idol of my 
adoration ! and j'ot I blessed my fate, that 
enabled mo to enjoy daily the sight of so 
much perfection ! When she spoke I listened 
with pleasure ; but when she spoke to me, 
my soul was thrilled with an ettacy of tumul- 
tuous joy. I was oven so happy as to bo the 
subject of their conversation ; for Narcissa, 
having obser\-ed me, said to her aunt, ' I see 
your new footman is come.' Then addressing 
herself to me, asked, with ineffable compla- 
cency, if I was the person who had been bo 
cruelly used by robbers? When I had satisfied 
her in this, she expressed a desire of knowing 
the other particulars of my fortune, both 
before and since my being ship^vrecked : 
hereupon (as Mrs. Sagely ha<:l conn8elle<i me) 
I told her that I had been bound apprentice 
to the master of a ship, contrary to my incli- 
nation, which ship had foundered at sea; 
that I and four more, who chanced to be on 
deck when she went down, made shift to 
swim to the shore, when my companions, 
after having overpowered me, stripped me to 
the shirt, and left me, as they imagined, dead 



of tho wounds I received in my own defence. 
Then I related tho circumstances of being 
found in a barn, with the inhuman treatment 
I met with from the country people and par- 
son ; the description of which, I perceived, 
drew tears from the charming creature's eyes. 
When I had finished my recital, my mistress, 
said, ' 3f a /oi .' le c/arron est bicn fnit !' To 
which opinion Narcissa assented, with a com- 
pliment to my understanding, in the same 
language, that flattered my vanity extremely. 

■The conversation, among other subjects, 
turned upon the young squire, whom mj' lady 
inquired after under the title of the Savage ; 
and was informed by her niece that he was 
still in bed, repairing the fatigiie of last 
night's debauch, and recruiting strength and 
spirits to undergo a fox chase to-morrow 
morning, in company with Sir Timothy 
Thicket, Squire Bumper, and a great many 
other gentlemen of the same stamp, whom 
he had invited on that occasion ! so that by 
daybreak tho whole house woiihl be in an 
uproar. This was a very disagreeable piece 
of news to tho riVh(oso, who protested sho 
would stuff her ears with cotton when sho 
went to bed, and take a dose of opium to 
make her sleep the more sound, tluit sho 
might not be disturbed and distracted by tho 
clamour of the brutes. 

When their dinner was over, I and mj' fel- 
low servants sat down to ours in the kitchen, 
where I undersi ood that Sir Timothy Thicket 
was a wealthy kjiight in the neighbourhood, 
between whom and Narcissa a match had 
been projeote<l by her brother, who promised 
at tho same time to espouse Sir Timothy's 
sister; by which means, as their fortunes 
wore pretty equal, the young Lxdies would bo 
provided for, and their brothers be never tho 
poorer ; but that tho ladies did not concur in 
the scheme, eaoh of them entertaining a 
hearty contempt for tho j)erson allotte<l to 
her for a husband by this agreement. This 
information begat in me a mortal aversion to 
Sir Timothy, whom I looked ujion as my rival, 
and cursed in my heart for his presumption. 

Nextmoming.by daybreak, beingawakenod 
by the noise of the hunters and hounds, I 
rose to view the cavalcade, and luyl a sight 
of my competitor, whose accomjilishmenta 
(the estate excluded) did not seem brilliant 
enough to give mo much uneasiness with 
respect to Narcissa, who, I flattered myself, 
was not to be won by such qualifications as 
he was m-^^torof, either as to person or mind. 
My mistress, notwithstanding her precaution, 
was so much disturbed by her nephews com- 
pany, that she did not rise till five o'clock in 
the afternoon ; so that I had an opportunity 
of examining her study at leisure, to which 
examination I was stronglj' prompted by my 
curiosity. Here I found a thousand scraps of 
her own poetry, consisting of three, four, ten, 
twelve, and twenty lines, on an infinity of 
Kubjocts, which, as whim inspired, she had 
begun, without constancy or capacity to 



RODERICK RAXDOM. 



!)7 



bring to any ilegroo of composition : but, what 
was very extraordinary in a female poet, 
there was not the least mention made of lore 
in any of her performances. I counted fragr- 
monts of five tragodios, the titles of which 
were, 'The Stern Philosopher,' 'The Double 
Murder,' 'The Sacrilegious 'fraitor,' 'The 
Fall of Lucifer,' and ' The Last Day.' t'rom 
whence I prathered, that her disposition was 
gloomy, and her imar^ination delighted with 
object:* of horror. Her library was composed 
of the best Ens^lish historians, poets, and 
philosophers ; of all the French critics and 
poets, and of a few books in Italian, chiefly 
poetry, at the head of which were Tasso and 
Ariosto, pretty much used. Besides these, 
translations of the cla.ssic3 into French, but 
not one book in Greek or Latin ; a circum- 
stance that discovered her ignorance in these 
languages. 

After having taken a full view of this col- 
lection, I retired, and at the usual time was 
l)reparing to lay the cloth, when I was told 
by the maid that her mistress wa-s still in bed, 
and had been so affected with the notes of 
the hounds in the morning, that she actually 
believed herself a hare beset by the hunters, 
and begcred a few greens to munch for break- 
fast. When I expressed my surprise at this 
unaccountable inia?ination, she gave mo to 
understand that her lady was very much sub- 
ject to whims of this nature ; sometimes 
fancying herself m\ animal, sometimes a pieco 
of furniture, daring which conceited trans- 
formations it was very dangerous to como 
near her, especially when she represented a 
beast ; for tliat lately, in the character of a 
cat, she had flown at her, and scratched her 
face in a terrible manner: that somo months 
ago, she prophcsicil tlie general conflagration 
was at hand, and nothing would be able to 
quench it but her water, which therefore she 
kept so long, that her life was in danger ; and 
she must needs have died of the retention, 
had they not found an expedient to make her 
evacuate, by kindling a bonfire under her 
chamber window, and persuading her that 
the house was in flames : upon which, with 
great deliberation, she bade them bring all 
the tubs and vessels they could find to be filled 
for the preservation of the house, into one of 
which she immediately discharged the cause 
of her distemper. I was also informed that 
nothing contributed so much to the recovery 
of her reason as music, which was always ad- 
ministered on those occasions by Narcissa, 
who played perfectly well on the harpsichord, 
and to whom she (the maid) was just then 
going to intimate her aunt's di.sorder. 

She was no sooner gone than I was sum- 
moned by the bell to my lady's chamber, 
where I found her sitting squat on her hams 
on the floor, in the manner of puss when she 
listens to the outcries of her pursuers. When 
I appeared, she started up with an alarmed 
look, and sprang to the other side of the room 
to avoid me, whom, without doubt, she mis- 



took for a beagle thirsting after her life. 
Perceiving her extreme confusion, I retired, 
and on the staircase met the adorable Narcissa 
coming up, to whom I imparted the situation 
of my mistress ; she said not a word, but 
smiling with unspeakable grace, went into 
her aunfs apartment, and in a little time my 
ears were ravished with the eff'ects of her 
skill. She accompanied the instrument with 
a voice so sweet and melodious, that I did not 
wonder at the surprising change it produced 
on the spirits of my mi.stress which were soon 
composed to peace and sober reflection. 

About seven o'clock, the hunters arrived 
with the skins of* two foxes and one badger, 
carried before them as trophies of their 
success ; and when they were about to sit 
down to dinner (or supper) Sir Timothy 
Thicket desired that Narcissa would honour 
the table with her presence ; but this request, 
notwithstanding her brother's threats and en- 
treaties, she refused, on pretence of attending 
her aunt, who was indisposed ; so I enjoj-ed 
the satisfaction of seeing my rival mortified : 
but this disappointment made no great im- 
pression on him, who consoled himself with 
the bottle, of which the whole company be- 
came so enamoured that, after a most horrid 
uproar of laughing, singing, swearing, dancing, 
and fighting, they were all carried to bed in a 
state of utter oblivion. My duty being alto- 
gether detached from the squire and hia 
family, I led a pretty easy and comfortable 
life, drinking daily intoxicating draughts of 
love from the charms of Narcissa, which 
brightened on my contemplation every day 
more and more. Inglorious as my station 
was, I became blind to my own unworthinesa, 
and even conceived hopes of one day enjoying 
this amiable creature, whose aff'ability greatly 
encouraged these presumptuous thoughts. 



CHAPTER XL. 

My mistress is surprised at my learning — com- 
municates her performances to me — Ii7nj)art 
some of mine to her — am mortified at her 
faint praise — Narcissa approves of my con- 
duct — I gain an involuntary conquest over 
tlie cookwenchand dairymaid — their mutual 
rcsentmeiit ctkZ insinuations — the jealousy 
of their lovers. 

DURING this season of love and tranquillity, 
my muse, which had lain dormant so 
long, awoke, and produced several small per- 
formances on the subject of my flame. But, 
as it concerned me nearly to remain undis- 
covered in my character and sentiments, I 
was under a necessity of mortifying my desire 
of praise, by confining my works to my own 
perusal and applause. In the meantime I strove 
to insinviate myself into the good opinion of 
both ladies ; and succeeded so well, by my dili- 
gence and dutiful behaviour, that in a little 
time I was at least a favourite servant ; and 
frequently enjoyed the satisfaction of hearing 



98 



RODERICK RANDOIL 



myself mentioned in French and Italian, -with 
some de^ee of warmth and surprise by the 
dear object of all my wishes, as a person who 
had so much of the gentleman in my appear- 
ance and discourse, that she could not for her 
soul treat me like a common lacquey. My 
prudence and modesty were not long proof 
against these bewitching compliments. One 
day, while I waited at dinner, the conver- 
sation turned upon a knotty passage of 
Tasso's Gierusalem, which, it seems, had 
puzzled them both : after a great many un- 
satisfactorj' conjectures, my mistress, taking 
the book out of her pocket, turned up the 
place in question, and read the sentence over 
and over without success ; at length, de- 
spairing of finding the author's meaning, she 
turned to me, saying ' Come hither, Bruno ; 
let us see what fortune will do for us : I will 
interpret to thee what goes before, and what 
follows this obscure paragraph, the particular 
words of which I will also explain, that thou 
mayst, by comparing one with another, guess 
the sense of that which perplexes us.' I was 
too vain to let slip this opportunity of dis- 
playing my talents ; therefore, without hesi- 
tation, read and explained the whole of that 
which had disconcerted them, to the utter 
astonishment of both. Narcissa's face and 
lovely neck were ovcrspreatl with blushes, 
from which I drew a favourable omen, while 
her aunt, after having stared at me a good 
while with a look of amazement, exclaimed, 
' In the name of heaven who art thou ? ' I 
told her I hatl picked up a smattering of 
Italian, during a voyage up the Straits. At 
this explanation she shook her head, and 
observed that no smattorer could road as I 
had done. She then desired to know if I 
imderstood French. To which (juoslion I an- 
swered in the affirmative. Slie asked if I 
was acquainted with the Latin and Greek P I 
replied, ' A little.' ' Oho ! ' continued she, 
'and with philosophy and mathematics, I 
suppose '( ' I o^vned I knew something of 
each. Then she repeated her stare and inter- 
rogation. I began to repent of my vanity, 
and in order to repair the fault I committed, 
said, it was not to be wondered at if I had a 
tolerable education, for learning was so cheap 
in my country, that every peasant was a 
scholar ; but I hoped her ladyship would 
think my understanding no exception to my 
character. She was pleased to answer, ' No, 
no, God forbid.' But during the rest of the 
time they sat at table, they behaved with 
remarkable reserve. 

'J'his alteration gave me great uneasiness ; 
and I passed the night without sleep, in 
melancholy reflections on the vanity of young 
men, Avhich prompts them to commit so many 
foolish actions, contrary to their own sober 
judj^'ment. Next day, however, instead of 
profiting by this self-condemnation, I yielded 
still more to the dictates of the principle I 
had endeavoured to chastise, and if fortune 
had not befriended me more than prudence 



could expect, I should have been treated with 
the contempt it deserved. After breakfast 
my lady, who was a true author, bade me 
follow lier into the study, where she expressed 
herself thus : ' Since you are so learned, you 
cannot be void of taste ; therefore I aiii to 
desire your opinion of a small performance in 
poetry, which I lately composed. You must 
know tliat I have planned a tragedy, the 
subject of which shall be, the murdeV of a 
prince before the altar, where he is busy at 
his devotions. After the deed is perpetrated, 
the regicide -will harangue the people with 
the bloody dagger in his hand ; and I have 
already composed a speech, which, I think, 
will suit the character extremely. Here it 
is.' Then, taking up a scrap of papex-, she 
read, with violent emphasis and gesture, as 

follows : — 

' Thus have I sent the simple Kin? to hell, 
AVithout or eotUii. shroud, or passini; IkU : 
To me wliat arj- divine and human laws ? 
I court no sanetion but nij- own applause ! 
Rapes', roblierios, treasons, yield mv soul delight, 
And human carnage pratifles my si^ht : 
I draj; the parent hv the hoary iiair. 
And toss the sprawlini; infant <m my spe.ir, 
"While the fond mother's eries n j-ale mine ear. 
1 liRht, I vanijuish, murder friends and foes ; 
Nor dare the immortal UDds my ra(;e oppose." 

Though I did great violence to my under- 
standing in praising thi,s vmnatural rhapsody, 
I nevertheless extolled it as a production that 
of itself deserved immortal fame; and be- 
sought her ladyship to bless the world with 
the fruits of those uncommon talents Heaven 
had bestowed upon her. She smiled with a 
look of self-complacency, and encouraged liy 
the incense I had offered, communicated all 
her poetical works, which I apjilaurled, one by 
one, with as little candour as I had shown at 
first. Satiated with my flattery, which I 
hope my situation justified, she could not in 
conscience refuse me an opportunityof shining 
in my turn ; an<l, therefore, after a compli- 
ment to my nice discernment and taste, ob- 
served, that doubtless I must have produced 
something in that way myself, which she 
desired to sec. This was temptation I coidd 
by no means resist. I owned that while I 
was at college I WToto some small detached 
pieces, at the desire of a friend who was in 
love ; and at her request repeated the follow- 
ing verses, which indeed my love for Narcissa 
had inspired : — 

ox CTLIA, 

PLiYINO ON TUr. lllRPSKHOBn AND f!I;<OISO. 

When Sappho stniek the quivering wire, 
The throbbini; breast was all on fire: 

And whi M slif r.ii-cil the voral lay. 
The laptlvo soul wa~ eliann'il away 

Itut had the nymph pn>.<;p»«rd with those 
Thy softer, chaster, power to please i 
Thy beauteous air of spritrhtly youth, 
Thy native smiles of artli«» truth ; 

The worm of crief had never preyed 
On the forsaken lovesick maid : ' 
Nor had she mourn 'd a hapless tiamp, 
Kor dash'd on roi'ks her tender frame. 

My mistress paid me a cold compliment on 
the versification, which, .she said, was elegant 
enough, but the subject beneath the pen of a 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



99 



true poet. I was extremely nettled at her 
indifference, and looked at Narcissa, who by 
this time hatl joined us, for her approbation ; 
but she declined giving her opinion, protest- 
ing she was no judge of these matters ; so 
that I was forced to retire very mucli balked 
in my expectation, which was generally a 
little too sanguine. In the afternoon, how- 
ever, the waiting-maid assured mo that Nar- 
cissa had expressed her approbation of my 
performance \vith great warmth, and desired 
her to procure a copy of it as for herself, that 
she (Narcissa) might have an opportunity to 
peruse it at pleasure. I was elated to an ex- 
travagant pitch at this intelligence, and im- 
mediately transcribed a fair copy of my Ode, 
which was carried to the dear charmer, 
together with another on the same subject, 
as follows : — 

Tlr. '•••'• 
I I" 

If" 

GliiiL' s» ifi thiuugU all mj viul frame ! 

Tor while I (fare my bo^nni clows. 
My blooj in til ws ; 

llopo. fi ar, iiji ,11, 

Anu Moods of !■ a my soul I 

My faltorinK fonttuo attpmpts in vain 
In MMithinK murmurs to romplnin ; 
-My tcmuuc «iini' s<trpt muKic ties, 
My niurmuPi sink in lirukcu >i8hs. 

Conilomn'd to ■ re, 

And rvcr drop 

I nlii-artl I m'.\ : >igh, 

I'nfrioadcd live, luiidlifU dii : 

Whether or not Narcissa discovered my 
passion, I could not learn from her behaviour, 
whioli, though alv^'ays benevolent t<j me, was 
henceforth more reserved and less choorful. 
"While my tlioughts aspired to a sphere so far 
above me, I ha<l unwittingly madea com juest of 
the cookwcnch and dairymaid, who became so 
jealous of each other that, if their sentiments 
had been refined by education, it is probable 
one or otlicr of them woidd have had recourse 
to poison or steel, to be avenged of her rival ; 
but, as their minds were happily adapted to 
their humble station, their mutual enmity was 
confined to scolding and fisticuffs, in which 
exercise they were both well skilled. My 
good fortune did not long remain a secret ; for 
it was disclosed by the frequent broils of these 
heroines, who kept no decorum in their en- 
counters. The coachman and gardener, who 
paid their devoirs to my admirers, each to his 
respective choice, alarmed at my success, laid 
their hoiuls together, in order to concert a 
plan of revenge ; and the former, having been 
educated at the academy at Tottenham Court, 
undertook to challenge me to single combat. 
Ho accordingly, with many opprobrious in- 
vectives, bade mo defiance, and offered to box 
me for twenty guineas. I told him that, 
although I believed myself a match for him 
even at that work, I would not descend so far 
below the dignity of a geutlciiian as to fight 
like a porter ; but if he had anything to say 
to me, 1 was his man at blundei'bu.ss, musket, 
pistol, Bword, hatchet, spit, cleaver, fork, or 
ueedle ; nay, I swore, that, should he give his 



tongue any more saucy liberties at my ex- 
pense, I would crop his cars without any 
ceremony. This rhodomontade, delivered with 
a stern countenance and resolute tone, had 
the desired effect upon my antagonist, who, 
with some confusion, sneaked off, and gave 
his friend an account of his reception. 

The story, taking air among the servants, 
procured for me the title of Gentleman John, 
with which I was sometimes honoured, oven 
by my mistress and Narcissa, who hatl been 
informed of the whole affair by the chiimber- 
maid. In the meantime, the rival queens 
expressed their passion by all the Avays in 
their power: the cook entertained me with 
choice bits, the dairymaid with strokings: 
the first would often encourage mo to declare 
myself, by complimenting me upon my courage 
and learning, and observing, that, if she had 
a husband, like me, to maintain order and 
keep accounts, she could make a great deal 
of money, by setting up an eating-house in 
London for gentlemen's servants on board 
wages. The other courted my affecfion by 
.showing her own importance, and telling mo 
that many a substantial farmer in the neigh- 
bourhood would bo glad to marry her, but 
she was resolved to jileaso her eye, if she 
should plague her heart. Then .she would 
launch out into the praise of my proper per- 
son, and say, slio was sure I would make a 
pood husband, for I was very good-natured. 
1 began to be uneasy at the importunities of 
the.<o inamoratas, whom, at anotlior time, 
lU'rhaps, I might have pleased witliout the 
disagreeable sauce of matrimony ; but, atpr&- 
.'^'•iif, my whole soul wius engrossed by Nar- 
cissa, an<l I could not bear the thoughts of 
doing anything derogatory to the paseion I 
entertained for her. 



CHAPTER XLI. 

Narcissa bcintj in danger from the hrutality 
of Sir TitiKilliy, is rescued by me, wlw re- 
venge myself on my rival — I declare my 
passion, and retreat to the seaside — am 
surrounded by smugglers, and carried to 
Boulogne— find my uncle Lieutenant Bow- 
ling in great distress, and relieve him — oitr 
conversation. 

AT certain intervals my ambition would 
revive ; I would despise myself for my 
tamo resignation to my sordid fate, and re- 
volve a hundred schemes for assuming the 
character of a gentleman, to which I thought 
myself entitled by birth aud education. In 
tliese fruitless suggestions time stole away 
unperceived, and I had already remained 
eiglit months in the station of a footman, 
when an accident happened that put an end 
to my servitude, and, for the present, banished 
all hopes of succeeding in my love. 

Narci-ssa went one day to visit Miss Thicket, 
who lived with her brother within less than 
a mile of oiu- house, and was persuaded to 



100 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



walk home in the cool of the eveninf», accom- 
panied by Sir Timothy, wlio, having a good 
deal of the brute in him, was instigrated to use 
some unbecoming familiarities with her, en- 
couraged by the solitariness of a field through 
which they passed. The lovely creature was 
incensed at his rude behaviour, for which she 
reproached him in such a manner that he lost 
all regard to decency, and actually oflfered 
violence to this i)attem of innocence and 
beauty. But Heaven would not suffer so 
much goodness to be violated, and sent me, 
who, passing by accident near the place, was 
alarmed with her cries, to her succour. What 
were the emotions of my soul, when I beheld 
IS'arcissa almost sinking beneath the brutal 
force of this satyr ! I flow like lightning to 
her rescue, and ho, perceiving me, quitted his 
prey, and drew his hanger to chastise my 
presumption. My indignation was too high 
to admit one thought of fear, so that, rushing 
mpon him, I struck his weapon out of his 
hand, and used my cudgel so successfully that 
he fell to the ground, and lay, to all appear- 
ance, without sense. Then I turned to Nar- 
cissa, who had swooned, and sitting do^\-n by 
her, gently raised lier head, and supported it 
on my bosom, while, with my hand around 
her waist, I kept her in that position. My 
soul was thrilled with tumultuous joy, at 
feoUng the object of my dearest wishes within 
my arms ; and, while she lay insensible, I 
could not refrain from applying my cheeks to 
hers, and ravishing a kiss. In a little time 
the blood began to revisit her face, she opened 
her enchanting eyes, and, having recollected 
her late situation, said, with a look full ot 
tender acknowledgment, ' Dear John, I am 
eternally obliged to you ! ' So saying, she 
made an effort to ri.^e, in which I assisted hor, 
and she proceeded to the house, leaning upon 
mo all the way. I was a thousand times 
tempted by thLs opportunity to declare my 
passion, but the dread of disobliging her 
restrained my tongue. Wo had not moved a 
hundred paces from the scene of her distress, 
when I perceived Sir Timothy rise and walk 
homeward — a circumstance which, though it 
pave mo some satisfaction, inasmuch as I 
thereby knew I had not killed him, filled mo 
with just .apprehension of his resentment, 
which 1 found my.self in no condition to with- 
stand; especially when I considered his inti- 
macy with our squire, to whom I knew he 
could justify himself for what he had done, 
by imputing it to his love, and desiring his 
bi'other liDiin to take the same liberty with 
his sister, without imy fear of offence. 

When wo arrived at the house, Narcissa 
assured mo she would exert all hor influence 
in protecting me from the reveniro of Thicket, 
and likewise engage her aunt in my favour, 
At the same time, pulling out her purse, 
offered it as .1 small consideration for the ser- 
vice I had done her. But I stood too much 
upon the punctilios of love to incur the least 
suspicion of being mercenary, and refused the 



present, by saying I had merited nothing by 
barely doing my duty. She seemed astonished 
at my disinterestedness, and blushed -. I felt 
the same suffusion, and, \%'ith a downcast eye 
and broken accent, told her I had one request 
to make, which, if her generosity would 
grant, I should think myself fully recompensed 
for an age of misery. She changed colour at 
this preamble, and, with great confusion, 
replied, she hoped my good sense would 
hinder me from asking anything she waa 
bound in honour to refuse, and therefore bade 
me signify my desire. Upon which I kneeled, 
and begged to kiss her hand. She immedi- 
ately, with an averted look, stretched it out : 
I imprinted on it an ardent kiss, and, bathing 
it with my tears, cried, ' Dear Madam, I am 
an unfortunate gentleman, and love you to 
distraction, but would have died a thousand 
deaths rather than make this declaration 
imder such a servile appearance, were I not 
determined to yield to the rigour of my fate, 
to fly from your bewitching presence, and 
bury my presumptuous passion in eternal 
silence.' With these words I rose, and went 
away before she could recover her spirits so 
far as to make any reply. 

ISIy first care was to go and consult Mrs. 
Sagol}', with whom I had maintaincdafriendly 
correspondence ever since I left her house. 
When she understood my situation, the good 
woman, with real concern, condoled with me 
on my unhappy fate, and approved of my re- 
solution to leave the country, as being per- 
fectly well acquainted with the barbarous 
disposition of my rival, 'who, by this time, 
said she, ' has no doubt meditated a scheme 
of revenge. Indeed, I cannot see how you 
will be able to elude his vengeance; being 
himself in the commission, he will immediately 
grant warrants for apprehending you ; and, 
as almost all the people in this country are 
dependent on him or his friend, it will bo im- 
possible for you to find shelter among them. 
If you should be apprehended, he will 
commit you to jail, whore you may pos- 
sibly in great mi.-;ery languish till the next 
assizes, and then be tnuisportcd for assaulting 
a magistrate.' 

While she thus warned mc of my danger, 
we hoard a knocking at the door, which 
threw us both into great consternation, as, in 
all probability, it was occasioned by my pur- 
suers ; whereupon this generous old lady, 
jiutting two guineas into my hand, with tears 
in her eyes, bade me, for God's sake, get out 
at the back-floor, and consult my safety as 
Providence should direct me. There was no 
time for deliberation. I followed her advice, 
.ind escaped by the benefit of a dark night to 
the seaside, where, while I ruminated on my 
next excursion, I was all of a sudden siur- 
rounded by armed men, who, having boimd 
my hands and feet, bade me make no noise 
on pain of being shot, and carried mo on 
board of a vessel, which I soon perceived to 
1 3 a smugsrling cutter. This discovery gave 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



101 



me some satisfaction at first, because I con- 
cludeil myself safe from the resentment of Sir 
Timothy; but, when I found myself in the 
hands of ruffians, who threatened to execute 
me for a spy, 1 would have thought myself 
happily quit for a year's imprisonment, or 
even transportation. It was in vain for me 
to protest my innocence : I could not persuade 
them that I had taken a solitary walk to their 
haunt, at suth an hour, merely for my own 
amusement ; and I did not think it my inte- 
rest to disclose the true cause of my retreat, 
because I was afraid they would have made 
their peace with justice by surrenderinj^ me 
to the penalty of the law. What confirmed 
their suspicion was, the appearance of a 
custom-house yacht, which gave them chase, 
and had well nijjh m ule a prize of their ves- 
sel ; when they were delivered from their fears 
by a thick fog', which effectually screened them, 
and favoured their arrival at I3oulo^'ue. But, 
before they got out of sight of their pursuer, 
they held a council of war about me, and 
some of the most ferocious among them would 
have thrown me overboard as a traitor who 
ha<l betrayed them to their enemies ; but 
others, more considerate, alleged, that if they 
pnt me to death, and should afterwards bo 
taken, they could expect no mercy from the 
legislature, which would never pardon out- 
lawry aiz'jravatod by murder. It was there- 
fore di'f cniiincd by a plurality of votes, that 
I should bo set on shore in Frauce, and left 
to find my way back to England, as I should 
think proper, this being punishment suttioient 
for the bare suspicion of a crime in itself not 
capital. 

Although this favourable determination 
gave me great pleasure, the apprehension of 
being robbed would not suffer mo to be per- 
fectly at ease. To prevent this calamity, aa 
soon as I was untied, in consequence of the 
aforesaid decision, I tore a small hole in one 
of my stockings, into which I dropped six 
guineas, reserving half a ])ioce and some sil- 
ver in my pocket, that, finding sometliing, 
they might not be tempted to make any fur- 
ther inquiry. This was a very necessary pro- 
caution, for, when we came within sight of 
the French shore, one of the smugglers told 
me, I must pay for my passage. To this de- 
claration I replied, that my passage was none 
of my own seeking ; therefore they could not 
expect a reward from me for transporting mo 
into a strange country by force. ' D — me ! ' 
said the outlaw, ' none of your palaver ; but 
let me see what money you have got.' So 
saying, ho thrust his hand into my pocket 
without any ceremony, and emptied it of the 
contents ; then, casting an eye at my hat 
and wig, which captivated his fancy, he took 
them off, and, clapping his own on my head, 
declared, that a fair exchange was no rob- 
bery. I wa."", fain to put up with the bargain, 
which was by no means favourable to me ; 
and a little while after wo went all on shore 
together. 



I resolved to take my leave of these despe- 
radoes without much ceremony, when one of 
them cautioned me against appearing to their 
prejudice if ever I returned to England, un- 
less I had a mind to be murdered ; for which 
service, he assured me, the gang never wanted 
agents. I promised to observe his advice, and 
departed for the Upper Town, where I in- 
quired for a cabaret, or public-house, into 
wliich I went, with an intention of taking 
some refreshment. In the kitchen, five Dutch 
sailors sat at breakfast, with a large loaf, a 
firkin of butter, and a keg of brandy, the 
bung of which they often applied to their 
mouths with great perseverance and satisfac- 
tion. At some distance from them I per- 
ceived another person in the same garb, sit- 
ting in a pensive solitary manner, entertaining 
himself with a whiff of tobacco, from the 
stump of a pipe as black as jet. The appear- 
ance of distress never failed to attract my 
regard and compassion. I approached this 
forlorn t<'ir with a view to offer him my as- 
sistance, and, notwithstanding the alteration 
of dress and disguise of a long beard, I dis- 
covered in him my long 16st and lamented 
uncle and benefactor. Lieutenant Bowling ! 
Good Heaven ! what were the agitations of 
my soul, between the joy of finding again 
such a valuable friend, and the sorrow of 
seeing him in such a low condition ! Tho 
tears gushed down my cheeks ; I stood mo- 
tionless and silent for some time. At length, 
recovering the use of speech, I exclaimed, 
' Gracious God I Mr. Bowling ! ' My uncle 
no sooner heard his name mentioned, than 
he started up, crying, with some surprise, 
'Holla!' and, after having looked at me 
steadfastly, without being able to recollect 
me, said, ' Did you call me, brother ? ' I told 
him I had something extraordinary to com- 
municate, and desired him to give me the 
hearing for a few minutes in another room ; 
but he would by no means consent to this pro- 
posal, saying, ' Avast there, friend : none of 
your tricks upon travellers ; — if you have any- 
thing to say to me, do it above board ; — you 
need not be afraid of being overheard ; — here 
are none who understand our lingo.' Though 
I was loth to discover myself before com- 
pany, I could no longer refrain from telling 
him I was his own nephew, Roderick Random. 
On this information, he considered me with 
great earnestness and aistonishment, and, re- 
calling my features, which, though enlarged, 
were not entirely altered since he had seen 
me, came up, and shook mo by the hand very 
cordially, protesting ho was glad to see me 
well. After some pause, he went on thus : 
' And yet, my lad, I am sorry to see you imder 
such colours ; the more so, as it is not in my 
power, at present, to change them for the 
better, times being very hard with me.' With 
these words I could perceive a tear trickle down 
his furrowed cheek, which affected me so 
much that I wept bitterly. 

Imagining my sorrow was the effect of my 



102 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



own misfortunes, he comforted me with observ- 
ing, that life was a voyage in which we must 
expect to meet with all weathers; sometimes 
it was calm, sometimes rough ; that a fair 
gale often succeeded a storm ; that the wind 
did not always sit one way, and that despair 
signified nothing; but that resolution and 
skill were better than a stout vessel : for 
why ? because they require no carpenter, and 
grow stronger the more labour they undergo. 
I dried up my tears, which I assured him were 
not shed for my own distress, but for his, and 
begged leave to accompany him into another 
room, where we could converse more at our 
ease. There I recounted to him the ungene- 
rous usage I had met with from Potion ; at 
which relation ho started up, stalked across 
the room three or four times in a great hurry, 
and, grasping his cudgel, cried, ' I would I 
were alongside of him — that's all — I would I 
were alongside of him ! ' I then gave him a 
detail of my adventures and sufferings, which 
affected him more than I could have imagined ; 
and concluded with telling him that Captain 
Oakum was still alive, and that he might re- 
turn to England when he would to solicit his 
affairs, without danger or molestation. He 
was wonderfully pleased with this piece of in- 
formation, of which, however, he said he could 
not at present avail himself, for want of money 
to pay for his passage to London. Tliis objec- 
tion I soon removed, by putting five guineas 
into his hand, and telling him I thought my. 
self extremely happy in having an opportu- 
nity of manifesting my gratitude to him in 
his necessity. But it was with the utmost 
difHculty I could prevail upon him to accept 
of two, which he affirmed were more than 
sufficient to defray the necessary expense. 

After this friendly contest was over, ho pro- 
posed we should have a mess of something ; 
' For,' said he, ' it has been banyan day with 
me a great while. You must know I was 
shipwrecked, five days ago, near a place called 
Lisieux, in company with those Dutchmen 
who are now drinking below ; and having but 
little money when I came ashore, it was soon 
spent, because I let them have share and 
share while it lasted. Howsomever, 1 should 
have remeniliero 1 the old saying, tJrcry ho(i 
his own apple ; for when they fonnd my hold 
unstowcd, they Avont all hands to shooling 
and begging ; and, because I would not take 
a spell at the same duty, refused to give mo 
the least assistance ; so that I have not broke 
bread these two days. I was shocked at the 
extremity of his distress, and ordered some 
bread, cheese, and wine, to be brought imme- 
diately, to allay his hunger, until a fricasee of 
chickens could bo prepared. WTien he had re- 
cruited his spirits with this homely fare, I 
desired to know the particulars of his pere- 
grination sisce the accident at Capo Tiberoon, 
which were briefly these : The money he had 
about him being all spent at Port Louis, the 
civility and hospitality of the French cooled 
to such a degi-ee, that ho was obliged to list 



on board one of their king's ships as a com- 
mon foremast man, to prevent himself from 
starving on shore. In this situation he con- 
tinued two years, during which time he had 
acquired some knowledge of their language, 
and the reputation of a good seaman ; tho 
ship he belonged to was ordered home to 
France, where she was laid up as unfit for 
service, and he was received on board one of 
Monsieur D'Antin's squadron, in quality of 
quartermaster ; which office he performed in 
a voyage to the West Indies, where he engaged 
with our ship, as before related ; but his con- 
science upbraiding him for serving the ene- 
mies of his country, ho quitted tho ship at tho 
same place where he first listed, and got to 
Cura<^oa in a Dutch vessel ; there he bar- 
gained with a skipper, bound to Europe, to 
work for his passage to Holland, from whence 
he was in hopes of hearing from his friends 
in England ; but was cast away, as he men- 
tioned before, on the French coast, and must 
have been reduced to the necessity of travel- 
ling on foot to Holland, and begging for his 
subsistence on the road, or of entering on 
board of another French man-of-war, at tho 
hazard of being treated as a deserter, if Pro- 
vidence had not sent mo to his succour. 'And 
now, my lad,' continued he, ' I think I shall 
steer my course directly to London, whore I 
do not doubt of being replaced, and of having 
the R taken off me l)y tho Lords of the Ad- 
miralty, to whom I intend to write a petition, 
setting forth my case ; if I succeed, I shall 
have wherewithal to give you some assistance, 
because, when I left the ship, I had two years' 
pay due to me, therefore I desire to know 
whither you are bound : and besides, perhaps, 
I may have interest enough to procure a war- 
rant appointing you surgeon's mate of tho 
ship to which I shall belong — for the bcadlo 
of the Admiralty is my good friend : and he 
and one of the under clerks aro sworn bro- 
thers, and that under clerk has a good deal 
to say with one of the upper clerks, who is 
very well known to the under secretary, who, 
upon his recommendation, I hope, will recom- 
mend my affair to tho first secretary ; and ho 
again will speak to one of the lords in my be- 
half ; so that you see I do not want friends to 
assist me on occasion. As for the fellow 
Crampley, thof I know him not, I am suro 
he is neither seaman nor officer, by what you 
have told me, or else he could never be so 
much mistaken in his reckoning, as to run tho 
ship on shore on the coast of Sussex before ho 
believed him.self in .soundings ; neither, when 
that accident happened, would ho have left 
the ship until she had been stove to pieces, 
especially when the tide was making ; where- 
fore, by this time, I do suppose, he has been 
tried by a court-martial, and executed for his 
cowardice and misconduct.' 

I could not hi'lp smiling at the description 
of my uncle's ladder, by which he proposed to 
climb to the attention of the board of admi- 
ralty ; and, though I knew the world too well 



RODERICK RANDOif. 



103 



to confide in such dependence myself, I would 
not discourage him with doubts, but asked 
if he had no friend in London, who would 
advance a small sum of money to enable him 
to appear as he ought, and make a small pre- 
sent to the under secretary, who might pos- 
sibly dispatch his business the sooner on that 
account. He scratched his head, and after 
some recollection, replied, ' "WTij', yes, I be- 
lieve Daniel Whipcord, the ship-chandler in 
Wapping, would not refuse me such a small 
matter. I know I can have what credit I 
want for lodging, liquor, and clothes ; but as 
to money, I won't be positive. Had honest 
Block been living, I should not have been at 
a loss.' I was heartily sorry to find a worthy 
man so destitute of friends, when he had such 
need of them, and looked upon my own situ- 
ation as less miserable than his, because I was 
bettor acquainted with the selfishness and 
roguery of mankind, consequently less liable 
to disappointment and imposition. 



CHAPTEE XLH. 

He takes his passage in a cxtfler for Deal — we 
are accosted b\i a Priest, who proves to he a 
Scotchman — his profession of fnendship — 
he is affronted hy the Lieutenant, u'ho afler- 
•irards appeases him !>)/ submission — »uj/ 
Uncle embarks — I am introduced by a Priest 
to a Capuchin, in ichose company I set out 
for Paris — the cluiracter of my fellow tra- 
veller — an adventure on the road — I am 
shocked at his beliaviour. 

WHEN our repast was ended, wo walked 
down to the harbour, whore we found 
a cutter that was to sail for Deal in the 
evening, and Mr. Bowling agreed for his 
passjige. In the meantime, we sauntered about 
the town to satisfy our curiosity, our conver- 
sation turning on the subject of my design>-, 
which were not as yet fixed : neither can it bo 
supposed that my mind was at ease, when I 
foujid myself reduced almost to extreme po- 
verty, in the midst of foreigners, among whom 
I hatl not one acquaintance to ailvise or be- 
friend me. My uncle was sensible of my 
forlorn condition, and pressed me to accom- 
pany him to England, where he did not doubt 
of finding some sort of provision for me ; but 
besides tiie other reasons I had for avoiding 
that kingdom, I looked upon it, at this time, 
as the worst country in the universe for 
a poor honest man to live in ; and there- 
fore determined to remain in France, at all 
events. 

I was confirmed in this resolution by a 
reverend priest, who, passing by at this time, 
and overhearing us speak English, accosted 
us in the same language, telling us he was 
our countryman, and wisliing it might be in 
his power to do us any service. We thanked 
this grave person for his courteous oflFer, and 
invited him to drink a glass with us, which he 
did not think proper to refuse, and wo went 



altogether into a tavern of his recommending. 
After having drunk to our healths in a bum- 
per of good Burgundy, he began to inquire 
into our situation, particularly the place of 
our nativity, which we no sooner named than 
he started up, and, wringing our hands with 
great fervour, shed a flood of tears, crying, 
' I come from the same part of the country ! 
perhaps you are my own relations.' I was on 
my guard against his caresses, which I sus- 
pected very much, when I remembered the 
adventure of the money-dropper ; but, with- 
out any appearance of diffidence, observed, 
that, as he was born in that part of the 
country, he must certainly know our families, 
which (howsoever mean our present appear- 
ance might be) were none of the most obscure 
or inconsiderable. Then I discovered our 
names, to which I found he was no stranger ; 
he had known my grandfather personally; 
and, notwithstanding an absence of fifty 
years from Scotland, recounted so many par- 
ticulars of the families in the neighbourhood, 
that my scruples were entirely removed, and 
I thought myself happy in his acquaintance. 
In the course of our conversation, I disclosed 
my condition without reserve, and displayed 
my talents to such advantage, that the old 
father looked upon me with admiration, and 
assured me, that, if I stayed in France, and 
listened to reason, I could not fail of making 
my fortune, to which ho would contribute all 
in his power. 

My uncle began to be jealous of the priest's 
insinuation, and very abruptly declared, that 
if over I should renounce my religion, ho 
would break off all connection and corre- 
spondence with me ; for it was his opinion, 
that no honest man would swerve from the 
principles in which, he was bred, whether 
Turkish, Protestant, or Roman. The father, 
affronted at this declaration, with great ve- 
hemence began along discourse, setting forth 
the danger of obstinacy, and shutting one's _^ 
eyes against the light. Ho said, that igno- 
rance would be no plea towards justification, 
when wo had opportunities of being better 
informed ; and, that, if the minds of people ' 
had not been open to conviction, the Chri.stian 
religion could not have been propagated in 
the world, and we should now be in a state of 
Pagan darkness and barbarity : he endea- 
voured to prove, by some texts of Scripture 
and many quotations from the Fathers, that 
the Pope was the successor of St. Peter, and 
vicar of Jesus Christ ; that the church of 
Rome was the true, holy, catholic church ; \ 
and that the Protestant faith was an impious 
heresy and damnable schism, by which many l 
millions of sonls would suffer everlasting 
perdition. 

When he had finished his sermon, which I 
thought he pronounced with more zeal than 
discretion, he addressed himself to my uncle, 
aad desired to know his objections to what 
had been said. The lieutenant, whose atten- 
tion had been wholly engrossed by his own 



104 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



affairs, took the pipe out of his month, and 
' replied, ' As for me, friend, d'j'e see, I have 
no objection to what you saj^; it may bo 
either truth or false, for what I know ; I med- 
dle with nobody's affairs but my own ; the 
gunner to his linstock, and the steersman to 
the helm, as the Siiying is. I trust to no 
creed but the compass, and do unto every 
man as I would be done by; so that I defy 
the Pope, the Devil, and the Pretender ; and 
hope to be saved as well as another.' This 
^ association of persons gave great offence 
to the friar, who protested, in a mighty 
passion, that if Mr. Bowling had not been 
his countryman, he would have caused him 
to be imprisoned for his insolence ; I ven- 
tured to disapprove of my uncle's rash- 
ness, and appeased the old gentleman, by 
assuring him there was no offence in- 
tended by my kinsman, who, by this 
time sensible of his error, shook the in- 
jured party by the hand, and asked pardon 
for the freedom ho had taken. Matters being 
amicably compromised, ho invited us to come 
and see him in the afternoon at the convent 
to which he belonged, and took his leave for 
the present ; when my uncle recommended it 
stronglj' to mo to persevere in tlie religion of 
my forefathers, whatever advantages I might 
propose to myself by a change, which could 
not fail of disgracing myself, and dishonour- 
ing my family. I assured liim no consideration 
should induce me to forfeit his friend-ship and 
good opinion on that score ; at which lussur- 
ance ho discovered great satisfaction, and 
put me in mind of dinner, wliich wo imme- 
diately bespoke, and when it was ready ate 
together. 

I imagined my acquaintance Avith the 
Scottish priest, if properly managed, might 
turn out to my advantage, and therefore re- 
polved to cultivate it a.s much as I could. 
With this view we visitt><l him at his convent, 
according to his invitation, where he treated 
us with wine and sweetmeats, and showed us 
everything "'.hat wa.s remarkable in the 
monastery. Having been thus entertained, 
wo took our leave, though not before I had 
promised to we him next day; and the time 
fixed for my I'ucle's embarking being come, 
I accompanied him to the harbour, and saw 
him on board. "^Vo parted not without tears, 
after we had eml'-aced and wished one ano- 
ther all manner ^f prosperity: and ho en- 
treated me to writ i to him often, directing to 
Lieutenant Bowlinpr, at the sign of the Union 
Flag, near the HcruMtage, London. 

I returned to the house in which wo had 
met, where I passed I'lo night in a very soli- 
tary manner, reflectrnj; on the severity of my 
fate, and endeavouring ''o project some likely 
scheme of life for tne fn'^ure ; but my inven- 
tion failed me : I saw nothing but insur- 
mountable difficulties in my way, and was 
ready to desjiair at the miserable prospect ! 
That I mii^'ht not, however, neglect any i)ro- 
bable moans, I gut up in \ be morning, and 



went directly to the father, whose advice and 
assistance I implored. He received me very 
kindly, and gave me to understand, that 
there was one way of life in which a person 
of my talents could not fail of making a 
great figure. I guessed his meaning, and told 
him, once for all, I was fully determined 
against any alteration in point of religion ; 
therefore, if his propos.al regarded the church, 
he might save himself the trouble of explain- 
ing it. He shook his head, and .sighed, saying, 
' Ah ! son, son, what a glorious prospect is 
here spoiled by your stubborn prejudice! 
Suffer yourself to be persuaded by rea-son, 
and consult your temporal welfare, as well as 
the concerns of your eternal .soul. I can, by 
my interest, pmcure, your admission as a 
noviciate into this convent, where I will su- 
perintend and direct you with a truly paternal 
affection.' Then he launched out into tho 
praises of a monastic life, which no noise ms- 
turbs, no cares molest, and no danger invades 
— where the heart is weaned from carnal at- 
tachments, tho grosser appetite subdued and 
chastised, and the soul waftcil to divine re- 
gions of philosophy and truth, on the wings 
of studious contemplation. But his eloquence 
w;us lost upon me, wliom two considerations 
enabled to withstand his temptation; namely, 
my promise to my uncle, and my aversion to an 
ecclesiastical life ; for, as to the difference of 
religion, I looked upon it as a thing of too 
small moment to come in competition with n 
man's fortune. Finding me immovable on 
this liciul, he told me, ho was more sorry 
than offended at my noncompliance, and still 
ready to employ his goo<l offices in mj* behalf. 
'The same erroneous maxims,' said he, ' that 
obstruct your promotion in the church, will 
infallil>ly prevent your advancement in tho 
army ; but, if you can brook the condition of 
a servant, I am acquainted ^vith some people 
of rank at Ver.-iailles, to whom I can give 5'ou 
letters of recommendation, that you may be 
entertained by some one of them in quality 
ofmaitre d'Jtolrl ; and I do not doubt that 
j"our qualifications will soon entitle you to a 
better provision.' I ombrar-eil his otf'er with 
great eagerness, and he apjjointed mo to come 
back in tho afternoon, when he would not 
only give me letters, but likewise introduce 
me to a capuchin of his ocqmiintance, who 
intended to set out for Paris next morning in 
whose company I might travel, without being 
at the ciponsc of one livro during tho whole 
journey. This piece of good news gave mo 
infinite pleasure ; I acknowledged my obliga- 
tion to the benevolent father in the most 
grateful expressions ; and lio performed his 
promise to a tittle, in delivering tho letters, 
and making me acquainted with tho capuchin, 
with whom I departed next morning by break 
of day. 

It was not long before I discovered my 
fellow traveller to be a merry facetious fellow, 
who, notwithstanding his profession and ap- 
pearance of mortification, loved good eating 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



105 



and drinking better than his rosary, and paid 
moro adoration to a pretty girl than to the 
Virgin Mary, or St. Genevieve. He was a thick 
brawny young man, with red eyebrows, a 
hook nose, a face covered with freckles ; and 
his name was Fro re Balthazar. His order did 
not permit him to wear linen, so that, having 
little occasion to undi-ess himself, he was none 
of the cleanliest animals in the world ; and his 
constitution was naturally so stronglj' scouted 
that I always thought it convenient to keep 
to the windward of him in our march. As ho 
was perfectly well known on the road, we 
fared sumptuously without any cost, and the 
fatigue of our journey was much alleviated 
by the good humour of my companion, who 
sang an infinite number of catches on the 
subjects of love and wine. We took up our 
lodging the first night at a peasant's house 
not far from Abbeville, where we were enter- 
tained with an excellent ragout, cooked by 
our landlord's daughters, one of whom was 
very liandsome. After hav ing eaten he rtily 
and drank a sutRcicnt quantity of smidl wine, 
•wo were conducted to a barn, whore we found 
a couple of carpets spread upon clean straw 
for our reception. Vn'c had not lain in this 
situation above half-.in-hour, when we heard 
somebody knock softly at the door, u|)on 
which Balthazar got u]), and let in our host's 
two daughters, who wante<l to have some 
private conversation with him in the dark. 
Wien they had whispered together some 
time, the capuchin came to me, and asked if 
I was insensible to love, and so hard-hearted 
as to refuse a share o{ my bed to a pretty 
maid, who had a tciidro for me? I must own, 
to my shame, that I suffered myself to bo 
overcome by mv passion, and with great 
eagornofls soi/.ol tl',- ' ti, when I under- 

stood tiiut tilt! umia Lto was to be my 

betlfellow. In vain did ujy reason suggest 
the respect that I owed to my dear mistress 
Narcissa ; tlio idea of that lovely charmer 
rather increased than allayed the ferment of 
my spirits ; and the young jjaj/saiinc had no 
reason to complain of my remembrance. 
Early in the morning, tho kind creatures left 
ns to our repose, whidi lasted till eight 
o'clock, when we got up, and wore treated at 
breakfaist with chocolate and I'can-de-vie by 
our paramours, of whom we took a tender 
leave, after my companion had confessed and 
given them absolution. 

AVhile we proceeded on our journey, tho 
conversation turned upon tho night's adven- 
ture, being introduced by tho capuchin, who 
asked me how I liked my lodging ; I declared 
my satisfaction, and talked in rapture of the 
agreeable Nanette ; at which he shook his 
head, and smiling said, she was a morceau 
pour la bonne bouche. ' I never valued my- 
self,' continued he, ' upon anything so much 
as the conquest of Nanette ; and, vanity 
apart, I have been pretty fortunate in my 
amours.' This information shocked me not a 
little, as I was well convinced of his inticiacy 



with her sister ; and, though I did not care 
to tax him with downriglit incest, I jirofessed 
my astonishment at his last night's choice, 
when, I supposed, the other was at his devo- 
tion. To this hint he answered, that, besides 
his natural complaisance to the sex, he had 
another reason to distribute Ids favours 
equally between them, namelj', to preserve 
peace in the family, which could not other- 
wise be maintained ; that, moreover, Nanette 
had conceived an affection for me, and he 
loved her too well to balk her inclination ; 
more especially, when he had an opportunity 
of obliging his friend at the same time. I 
thanked him for this instance of his friend- 
ship, though I was extromly disgusted at his 
want of delicacy, and cursed the occasion 
that threw me in his way Libertine as I was, I 
could not bear to see a man behave so wide of 
tho character he assumed. I looked upon 
him as a person of very little worth or 
honesty, and should even have kept a wary 
eye ui>on my pocket, if I had thought he 
coulil have had any temptation to steal. But 
I could not conceive the use of money to a 
cajiuchin, who is obliged, by the rules of his 
onler, to appear like a beggar, and enjoy all 
other necessaries of life i/)'(i^i,s- ; besides, my 
fellow traveller seemed to be o{ a complexion 
too careless and sanguine to give me any 
apprehension on that score ; so that I pro- 
ceeded with great conlidence, in expectation 
of being soon at my journey's epd. 



CHAPTER XLIII. 

We lodge at a House near Amiens, where I am 
robbed by the Capuchin, who escapes while 
I am aslecji — / go to Noyons in search of 
him, but wit}u>ut Success — make my Con- 
dition hiou'ii to several People, but find no 
Relief — <jrow desperate^oin a Company of 
Soldiers — Enlist m </w Regiment of I'icardy 
— we are ordered into Gci'mavy — 1 find the 
Fatigues of the March ahnost intolerable — 
Quarrel witli my Comrade in a disptite 
about Politics — he challenges me to the 
Field — wounds and disar7)is tne. 

THE third night of our pilgrimage we 
passed at a house near Amiens, where 
Balthazar being unknown, we supped upon 
indifferent fare and sour wine, and were fain 
to lie in a garret upon an old mattress, which, 
I believe, had been in the posse.«sion of ten 
thousand myriads of fleas time out of mind. 
We did not invade their territory with im- 
punity; in less than a minute wo were at- 
tacked by stings innumerable, in spite of 
which, however, I fell fast asleep, being ex- 
cessively fatigued with our day's march, and 
did not wake till nine next morning, when, 
seeing myself alone, I started up in a terrible 
fright, and, examining my pockets, found my 
presaging fear too true ! My companion had 
made free with my cash, and left me to seek 
my way to Paris by myself! I ran down 



lOG 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



stairs immediately ; and, with a look full of 
prief and amazement, inquired for the mendi- 
cant, who, they gave me to understand, had set 
out four hours before, after having told them 
I was a little indisposed, and desired I might 
not be disturbed, but be informed when I 
should wake, that he had taken the road to 
Noyons, where he would wait for my coming, 
at the Coq d'Or. I spoke not a word, but 
with a hea\'y heart directed my course to that 
place, at which I arrived in the afternoon, 
fainting with weariness and hunger ; but 
learned, to my utter confusion, that no such 
person had been there ! It was happy for me 
that I had a good deal of resentment in my 
constitution, which animated me on such oc- 
casions against the villany of mankind, and 
enabled me to bear misfortunes, otherwise in- 
tolerable. Boiling with indignation, I dis- 
covered to the host my deplorable condition, 
and inveighed with great bitterness against 
the treachery of Balthazar; at which he 
shrugged up his shoulders, and with a pecu- 
liar grimace on his covmtenancc, said, he was 
sorry for my misfortune, but there was no 
remedy like patience. At that instant some 
guests arrived, to whom he hastened to offer 
his service, leaving me mortified at his indif- 
ference, and fully persuaded that an inn- 
keeper is the same sordid animal all the 
world over. 

While I stood in the porch forlorn and un- 
determined, venting ejaculations of curses 
against the thief who had robbed me, and the 
old priest who recommended him to my 
friendship, a young gentleman richly dressed, 
attended by a valet dc chamhrc and two 
servants in livcrj", arrived at the inn. I 
thought I perceived a great deal of sweetness 
and good-nature in his countenance ; there- 
fore, he had no sooner alighted than I accosted 
him, and, in a few words, erplained my situ- 
ation : he listened with great politeness, and, 
when I made an end of my story, said, ' Well, 
monsieur, what would you have me to do ? ' 
I was effectually abashed at this interrogation, 
which, I believe, no man of common sense or 
generosity could make, and made no other 
compliment than a low bow : he returned the 
compliment still lower, and tripped into an 
apartment, while the landlord let mc know 
that my standing there to interrupt company 
gave offence, and might do him mfinito pre- 
judiee. Ho had no occasion to repeat his 
insinuation ; I moved from the place imme- 
diately, and was so much transported with 
grief, anger, and disdain, that a torrent of 
blood gushed from my nostrils. In this 
ccstacy, I quitted Noyons, and betook mjsolf 
to the field.^, where I wandered about like 
one distracted, till my spirits were quite 
exhausted, and I was obliged to throw myself 
down at the root of a tree, to rest my wearied 
limbs. Hero my rage forsook mo : I began to 
feel the importunate cravings of nature, and 
relapsed into silent sorrow and melancholy 
reflection. I rcTolved all the crimes I bad 



been guilty of, and found them so few and 
venial, that I could not comprehend the j ustice 
of that Providence, which, after having ex- 
posed me to so much wretchedness and danger, 
left me a prey to famine at last in a foreign 
country, where I had not one friend or ac- 
quaintance to close my eyes, and do the last 
offices of humanity to my miserable carcass. 
A thousand times I -Nnshed myself a bear, 
that I might retreat to woods and deserts, far 
from the inhospitable haunts of man, where 
I could live by my own talents, indepen- 
dent of treacherous friends and supercilious 
scorn. 

As I lay in this manner, groaning over my 
hapless fate, I heard the sound or a vioUn, 
and raising my head, perceived a company of 
men and women dancing on the grass at some 
distance from me. I looked upon this to be 
a favourable season for distress to attract 
compassion, when every selfish thought is 
banished, and the heart dilated with mirth 
and social joy ; wherefore I got up, and ap- 
proached those happy people, whom I soon 
discovered to be a party of soldiers, with 
their wives and children, unbending and di- 
verting themselves at this rate, after the 
fatigue of a march. I had never before seen 
such a parcel of scarecrows together, neither 
could I reconcile their meagre and gaunt 
looks, their squalid and ragged attire, and 
every other external sjTnptom of extreme woe, 
with thLs appearance of festivity. I saluted 
them, however, and was received with great 
politeness ; after which they formed a ring, 
and danced around me. This jollity had a 
wonderful effect upon my spirits. I was in- 
fected with their gaiety, and in spite of my 
dismal situation, forgot my cares, and joined 
in their extravagance. When we had recre- 
ated ourselves a good while at this diversion, 
the ladies .spread their manteaus on the 
ground, upon which they emptied their knap- 
sacks of some onions, coarse bread, and a few 
flasks of poor wine : being invited to a share 
of the banquet, I sat down with the rest, and, 
in the whole course of my life, never made a 
more comfortable meal. When our repast 
was ended, wo got up again to dance ; and, 
now that I found myself refreshed, I behaved 
to the admiration of everybody ; I was loaded 
with a thou.iand compliments and professions 
of friendship .- the men commended my person 
and agility, and the women were loud in the 
praise of my bonne grace; the sergeant in 
particular expressed so much regard for me, 
and described the plca.surcs of a soldier's life 
with so much art, that I l)Ogan to listen to 
his proposal cf enlisting me in the service ; 
and the more I considered my own condition, 
the more I was convinceil of the necessity I 
was under to come to a speedy determination. 

Having, therefore, maturely weighed tho 
circumstances j)'>'o 'md am, I signified my 
consent, and was admitted into the regiment 
of Picardy, said to be the oldest corps in 
Europe. The company to which this cow 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



107 



mander hclonpred was quartered at a village 
not far oft', whither we marched next day, and 
I was presented to my captain, who seemed 
very well pleased with my appearance, gave 
me a crown to drink, and ordered me to be 
accommodated with clothes, arms, and ac- 
coutrements. Then I sold my livery suit, 
purchased linen, and, as I was at groat pains 
to learn the exercise, in a very short time be- 
came a complete soldier. 

It was not long before we received orders 
to join several more regiments, and march 
with all expedition into Germany, in order to 
reinforce Mareschal Due de Noailles, who 
was then encamped with his army on the side 
of the River Mayne, to watch the motions 
of the English, Hanoverians, Austrians, and 
Hessians, under the command of the Earl of 
Stair. We began our march accordingly, and 
then I became acquainted with that part of a 
soldier's life to which I had been hitherto a 
stranger. It is impo.-ssiblo to dcsrribe tho 
hunger and thirst I sustained, and the fatigue 
I underwent in a march of so many hundred 
miles ; during which, I was so much chafed 
with the heat and motion of my limbs, that 
in a very short time the inside of my thighs 
and legs were deprived of skin, and I pro- 
ceeded in the utmost torture. This misfor- 
tune I owe<l to the plumpness of my consti- 
tution, which I cursed, and envied tho withered 
condition of my oomnules, whose bodies 
could not spare juice enough to supply a 
common issue, and wore indeed proof ag'ainst 
all manner of friction. The continual pain I 
felt miulo mo fretful, and my peevishness was 
increased by the mortification of my pride 
in seeing those miserable wretches, whom 
a hard gale of wind would have scattered 
through tho air like chaff, bear those 
toils with alacrity under which I was ready 
to sink. 

One day, while we enjoyed a halt, and tho 
soldiers with their wives had gone out to 
dance, according to custom, my comrade 
stayed at home witli me on pretence of frieml- 
ship, and insulted me with his pity and con- 
solation ! He told me that, though I was 
young and tender at present, I should soon 
be seasoned to the service ; and he did not 
doubt but I should have the honour to con- 
tribute in some measure to tho glory of the 
king. 'Have courage, therefore, my child,' 
said he, ' and pray to the good God, that you 
may be as happy as I am, who have had tho 
honour of serving Louis the Great, and of re- 
ceiving many wounds in helping to establish 
his glory.' When I looked upon the contempti- 
ble object that pronounced these words, I 
was amazed at the infatuation that possessed 
him ; and could not help expressing my as- 
tonishment at the absurdity of a rational 
being, who thinks himself highly honoured 
in being permitted to encounter abject po- 
verty, oppression, famine, disease, mutilation, 
and evident death, merely to gratify the 
vicious ambition of a prince, by whom his 



sufferings were disregarded, and his name I 
utterly unknown. I observed that, if his 
situation were the consequence of compulsion, 
I would praise his patience and fortitude in ) 
bearing his lot : if he had taken up arms in 
defence of his injured country, ho was to bo 
applauded for his patriotism : or if ho had . 
fled to this way of life as a refuge from a ^ 
greater evil, he was justifiable in his own con- 
science (though I could have no notion of 
misery more extreme than ho suffered) ; but to 
put his condition on the footing of conducing 
to the glory of his prince, was no more than 
professing himself a desperate slave, who 
voluntarily underwent the utmost wretched- 
ness and peril, and committed tho most fla- 
grant crimes, to soothe the barbarous prido 
of a fellow-creature, his superior in nothing 
but the power ho derived from the submission 
of such wretches as him. The soldier was 
very much affronted at the liberty I took with 
his king, which, he said, nothing but my igno- 
rance could excuse : he atHrmed that tho 
characters of princes were sacred, and ought 
not to bo profaned by the censure of their 
subjects, who were bound by their allegiance 
to obey their commands, of what naturo 
soever, without scruple or repining ; and ad- 
vised me to correct tho rebellious principles I 
ha<l imbibed among the English, who, for 
their insolence to their kings, were notorious 
all over the world, even to a proverb. 

In vindication of my countrymen, I re- 
peated all tho arguments commonly used to 
prove that every man has a natural right to 
liberty ; that allegiance and protection aro 
reciprocal ; that, when tho mutual tie is 
broken by tho tyraimy of the king, he is 
accountable to the people for his breach of 
contract, and subject to the penalties of the 
law ; and that those insurrections of tho 
Engli.sh, which are branded with tho name 
of rebellion by the slaves of arbitrary power, 
were no other than glorious efforts to rescue 
that independence which was their birthright, 
from tho ravenous claws of usurping ambi- 
tion. Tho Frenchman, provoked at the little 
deference I paid to the kingly name, lost all 
patience, and reproached me in such a manner 
that my temper forsook me, and I clenched 
my fist, with an intention to give him a 
hearty box on the ear. Perceiving my de- 
sign, he started back and demanded a parley; 
upon which I checked my indignation, and ho 
gav« mo to understand that a Frenchman 
never forgave a blow ; therefore, if I were 
not weary of my life, I would do well to spare 
him that mortification, and do him the honour 
of measuring his sword with mine, like a 
gentleman. I took his advice and followed 
him to a field hard by, where indeed I was 
ashamed at the pitiful figure of my antagonist, 
who was a poor little shivering creature, 
decrepid with age, and blind of one eye. But 
I soon found the folly of judging from appear- 
ances ; being at the second pass wounded in 
the sword hand, and immediately disarmed 



108 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



with such a jerk, that I thought the joint was 
dislocated. I was no less confounded than 
enraged at this event, especially as my adver- 
sary did not bear his success with all the 
moderation that might have been expected ; 
for he insisted upon my asking pardon for 
affronting his king and him. This proposal 
I would by no means comply with, but told 
him, it was a mean condescension, which no 
gentleman in his circumstances ought to pro- 
pose, nor any in my situation ought to per- 
form; and that, if ho persisted in his 
ungenerous demand, I would in my turn 
claim satisfaction with my musket, when 
we should be more upon a par than with 
the sword, of which he seemed so much 
master. 



CHAPTER XLIV. 

In order to he revenged, I learn the Science of 
Defence — %vejoin Mareschal Due de Noailles 
are engaged icith tlie Allies at Dettingeu, 
and put to fiigM — the behaviour of the 
French Soldiers on that occasion — I indus. 
triously seek another conibat vith the old 
Gascon, and vanquish him in my turn — our 
regiment is put into Winter Quarters at 
Bheims, where I find my friend Strap — oxir 
Recognition — he supplies me nnth Mone\i, 
and procures my Discluirge — xce take a trip 
to Paris; from tchence, by the v:ay of 
Flanders, we set out for London ; where we 
safely arrive. 

HE was disconcerted at this declaration, to 
which he made no reply, but repaired 
to the dancers, among whom he recounted 
his victory with many exaggerations and 
gasconades ; while I, taking up my sword, 
went to my quarters, and examined my wound, 
which I found was of no consequence. The 
same day an Irish drummer, having heard of 
my misfortune, visited me, and after having 
condoled me on the chanee of war, gave mo 
to understand, that ho was master of the 
sword, and would in a very short time in- 
struct me 80 thoroughly in that noble science, 
that I should be able to chastise the old 
Gascon for his insolent boasting at my ex- 
pense. This friendly office he proffered on 
pretence of the regard he had for his country- 
men ; but I afterwards learned the true motive 
was no other than a jealousy he entertained 
of a correspondence between the Frenchman 
and his wife, which he did not think proper 
to resent in person. Be this as it will, I 
accepted his offer and practised his lessons 
with such application, that I soon believed 
myself a match for my conqueror. In the 
meantime we continued our march, and ar- 
rived at the Camp of Mareschal Noailles 
the night before the battle at Dettingen. 
Notwithstanding the fatigue we had under- 
gone, our regiment was one of those that were 
ordered next day to cro<s the river, under the 
command of the Due de Grammont, to take 



possession of a narrow defile, through which 
the allies must of necessity have passed at a 
great disadvantage, or remain where they 
were, and perish for want of provision, if they 
would not condescend to surrender at dis- 
cretion. How they suffered themselves to be 
pent up in this manner it is not my province 
to relate : I shall only observe that, when we 
had taken possession of our ground, I heard 
an old officer in conversation with another 
express a surprise at the conduct of Lord 
Stair, who had the reputation of a good 
general. But it seems, at this time, that 
nobleman was overruled, and only acted iu 
an inferior character ; so that no part of the 
blame could be imputed to him, who declared 
his disapprobation of the step, in consequence 
of which the whole army was in the utmost 
danger ; but Providence or destiny acted 
miracles in their behalf, by disposing the Due 
de Grammont to quit his advantageous post, 
pass the defile, and attack the English, who 
were drawn up in order of battle on the plain, 
and who handled us so roughly that, after 
having lost a great number of men, we turned 
our backs without ceremony, and fled with .such 
precipitation that many hundreds perished 
iu the river through pure fear and confusion: 
for the enemy were so generous that tliey did 
not pursue us one inch of ground ; and, if our 
consternation would have permitted, we might 
have retreated with great order and delibe- 
ration. But, notwithstanding the royal cle- 
mency of the king of Great Britain, who 
headed the allies in person, and, no doubt, 
put a stop to the carnage, our loss amounted 
to five thousand men, among whom wore many 
officers of distinction. Our miscarriage opened 
a passage for the foe to Haynan, whither they 
immediately marched, leaving their sick and 
wounded to the care of the French, wlio next 
day took pos.'^ession of the field of battle, 
ViuVicd the dead, and treated the living with 
humanity. 

Thi.s circumstance was a great consolation 
to us, who thence took occasion to claim the 
victory ; and the genius of the French nation 
never appeared more conspicuous than now, 
in the rhodomont-adcs they uttered on the 
subject of thoir generosity and coura^je. 
Every man (by his own account) performed 
feats that eclipsed all the heroes of antiquity. 
One comj.ared himself to a lion retiring at 
leisure from his cowardly pursuers, wlio keep 
at a wary distance, and gall him with their 
darts. Another likened himself to a bear that 
retreats with his face to the enemy, who dare 
not assail him ; and the third assumed the 
character of a desperate stag, that turns upon 
the hounds and keeps them at bay. There 
was not a private soldier engaged, wh© had 
not by the prowess of his single arm demo- 
lished a whole platoon, or put a squadron of 
horse to flight ; and, among others, the meagre 
Gascon extolled his exploits above those of 
Hercules or Charlemagne. As I still retained 
my resentment for the disgrace I suffered in 



RODERICK RANDOM, 



109 



my last renoontro with him, and, now that I 
thoTipht myself qualified, longed for an oppor- 
tunity to retrieve my honour, I mapmified the 
valour of the English with all the hyperboles 
I could imaf^ine, and described the pusilla- 
nimity of the French in the same style, com- 
pariDfr them to hares flyingbefore greyhounds, 
or mice pursueil by cats; and passed an 
ironical compliment on the speed he exerted 
in his flight, which, considering his age and 
intirmitie.'*, I said was surprising. He was 
stung to the quick by this sarcasm, and, with 
an air of threatening disdain, bade me know 
myself better, and remember the correction 
I had already received from him for my inso- 
lence ; for he might not always be in the 
humour of sparing a wretch who abused his 
goodness. To this inuendo I made no reply 
but by a kick on the breech, which overturned 
him in an instant. Ho started up with 
wonderful agility, and, drawing his sword, 
atta<:ked mo with great fury. Several people 
interposed, but, when ho unformed them of 
its being an affair of honour, they retired, and 
left us to decide the battle by ourselves. I 
sustained his onset with little damage, having 
only received a small scratch on my right 
shoulder, and, seeing his breath and vigour 
almost exhausted, a.«saulted him in my turn, 
closed with him, and wrested his sword out 
of his hand in tlio struggle. Having thus 
acquired the victory, I desired hira to beg 
his life ; to which demand ho made no answer, 
but shrugged up his shoulders to his ears, 
expanded his hands, elevated the skin on his 
forehead and eyebrows, and depressed tho 
comers of his moutli in such a manner, that 
I could scarce refrain from laughing aloud at 
his grotesque appearance. That I might, 
however, mortify his vanity, which triumphed 
without bounds over my misfortune, I thrust 
his sword up to the hilt in something (it was 
was not a tansy), that lay smoking on tlio 
plain, and joined tho rest of tho soldiers with 
an air of tranquillity and indifference. 

There was nothing more of moment at- 
tempted by either of tho armies during tho 
remaining part of tho campaign, which being 
ended, tho English marched back to the Ne- 
therlands ; i)art of our army was detached to 
French Flanders, and our regiment ordered 
into winter (|uarters in Champagne. It was 
tho fate of tho grenadier company, to which 
I now belonged, to lie at Rheims, where I 
found myself in tho utmost want of everj'- 
thing, my pay, which amounted to five sols a 
day, far from supplying mo with necessaries, 
being scarce sufficient to procure a wretched 
subsistence to keep soul and body together ; 
so that I was, by hunger and hard duty, 
brought down to the meagre condition of my 
fellow-soldiers, and my linen reduced from 
three tolerable skirts to two pair of sleeves 
and necks, the bodies having been long ago 
converted into spatterdashes ; and after all, 
I was bettor provided than any private man 
in the regiment. lu this urgency of my 



affairs, I WTote to my undo in England, 
though my hopes from that quarter wero not 
at all sanguine, for the reasons I have already 
explained ; and in the meantime had recourse to 
my old remedy patience, consoling myself with 
tho flattering suggestions of a lively imagina- 
tion, that never abandoned mo in my distress. 
One daj', while I stood sentinel at tho gate 
of a general officer, a certain nobleman came 
to the door, followed by a gentleman in 
mourning, to whom, at parting, I heard him 
say, ' You may depend upon my good offices.' 
This assurance was answered by a low bow 
of the person in black, who, turning to go 
away, discovered to mo tho individual coun- 
tenance of my old friend and adherent Strap. 
I was so much astonished at tho sight, that 
I lost tho power of utterance, and, befbro I 
could recollect myself, ho was gone without 
taking any notice of mo. Indeed, had ho 
stayed, I scarcely should have ventured to 
accost him ; because, though I was perfectly 
well acquainted with tho features of hia face, 
I could not be positively certain as to the 
rest of his person, which was very much 
altered for tho bettor since ho loft mo at 
London, neither could I conceive by what 
means he was enabled to appear in the sphere 
of a gentleman, to which, while I knew him, 
he had not even tho ambition to aspire. But 
I was too much concerned in the affair to 
neglect further information, and tlioroforo 
took the first opportunity of asking the porter 
if ho know tho gentleman to whom tho mar- 
quis spoke. Tho Swiss told mo his name was 
Monsieur d'Estrapes, tliat ho had been valot- 
de-chambre to an English gentleman lately 
deceased, and that ho was very much regarded 
by the marquis for his fidelity to his master, 
between whom and that nobleman a very 
intimate friendship had subsisted. Nothing 
could bo more agreeable to mo than this piece 
of intelligence, which banished all doubt of 
its being my friend, who had found means to 
frenchify his name as well as his behaviour 
since wo parted. As soon, therefore, as I was 
relieved, I went to his lodging, according to a 
direction given mo by tho Swiss, and had tho 
good fortune to find him at home. That I 
might surprise hira the more, I concealed my 
name and business, and only desired tho 
servant of tho house to tell Monsieur d'Es- 
trapes that I begged tho honour of half-an- 
hour's conversation with him. Ho was con- 
founded and di.sma3'ed at this message, when 
he understood it was sent by a soldier ; though 
he was conscious to himself of no crime, all 
thiit he had heard of the Ba.stille appeared to 
his imagination with aggravated horror, and 
it was not before I had waited a considerable 
time that he had resolution enough to bid 
the servant show mo up-stairs. 

When I entered his chamber, he returned 
my bow with great civility, and endeavoured, 
with forced complaisance, to disguise his 
fear, which appeared in the paleness of his 
face, the wildness of his looks, and the shak- 



no 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



ing of hig limbs. I was diverted at hi3 con- 
sternation, which redoubled, when I told hira 
in French, I had business for his private ear, 
and demanded a particular audience. The 
valet being withdrawn, I asked in the same 
language if his name was d'Estrapes, to which 
he answered with a faltering tongue, ' The 
same, at your ser^nco.' ' Are you a French- 
man ?' said I. ' I have not the honour of 
being a Frenchman bom,' replied he, ' but I 
haVe an infinite veneration for the country.' 
I then desired he would' do mo the honour to 
look at me, which he no sooner did than, 
struck with my appearance, he started back, 
and cried in English, ' O Jesus ! — sure it can't ! 
— No 'tis impossible !' I smiled at his inter- 
jections, saying, ' I suppose you are too much 
of a gentleman to own your friend in adver- 
sity.' When he hoard me pronounce these 
words in our own language, ho leaped upon 
mo in a transport of joy, hung about my neck, 
kissed mo from car to ear, and blubbered 
like a great schoollioy who ha<l been whipped. 
Then, observing my Jre.«s, ho set up his 
throat, crying, ' O Lord ! O Lord ! that ever 
I should live to see my dearest friend reduced 
to the condition of a foot soldier in the 
Frencli service ! Why did you consent to my 
leaving you 'f — but I know the reason — you 
thought you had got more creditable friends, 
and grow ashameil f)f my aciinaintance. Ah! 
Lord help us ! thougli I was a little short- 
sighted, I was not altogether ])lind : and 
though I did not complain, I wa.s not the less 
sensible of your uiikiudness, which was in- 
deed tlio only thing that induced me to 
ramble abroad, the Lord knows whither ; but 
I must own it lias been a lucky ramble for 
me, and so I forgive you, and may God 
forgive you ! O Lord I O lA)rd ! is it come to 
this r' I was nettled at the charge, which, 
though just, I could not lielji thinking unsea- 
sonable, and told him with some tnrtness 
that, whether liis suspicions were well or ill 
grouniled, ho might have chosen a more con- 
venient t)pportunity of introducing them; 
and that the (luestion now was whether or no 
ho found himself disposed to lend mo any 
assistance. ' Disposed !' replied he with great 
emotion ; ' I thought you had known me so 
well as to assure yourself without a.sking, 
that I, and all that belongs to me, are at your 
<;onimand. In tlio meantime you shall dine 
with me, and I will tell you something that, 
perhaps, will not be displeasing unto you.' 
Then, w^ringing my hand, he said, ' It makes 
my heart bleed to see you in that garb I' I 
thanked hira for his invitation, which, I 
observed, could not be unwelcome to a person 
who had not eaten a comfortable meal these 
seven months ; but I had another request to 
make, which I begged he would grant before 
dinner, and that was the loan of a shirt ; for 
although my back had been many weeks a 
stranger to any comfort of tliat kind, my 
skin was not yet familiarised to the want of 
it. He stared in my face, -ft-ith a woful coun- 



tenance, at this declaration, which ho could 
scarce believe, until I explained it by unbut- 
toning my coat and disclosing my naked 
body — a circumstance which shocked the 
tender-hearted Strap, who, with tears in his 
eyes, ran to a chest of drawers, and taking 
out some linen, presented to me a very fine 
ruffled Holland shirt and cambric neckcloth, 
assuring me he had three dozen of the same 
kind at my service. 

I was ra\-ished at this piece of good news, 
and, having accommodated myself in a 
moment, hugged my benefactor for his gene- 
rous offer, saj-ing, I was oveijoycd to find 
him nndeliauehed by prosperity, which seldom 
fails to corrupt the heart. He bespoke for 
dinner some soup and bouilli, a couple of 
pullets roasted, and a dish of asparagus, and 
in the interim entertained me with biscuit 
and Burgundy ; after which repast he en- 
treated me to gratify his longing desire of 
knowing evorj* circumstance of my fortune 
since his departure from London. This 
request I complied with, lieginning at the 
adventure of Gawky, and relating every par- 
ticular event in which I ha<l been concerned 
from that day to the present Iiour. During 
the recit.-il. my friend was strongly affectccl, 
according to the various situations described. 
He stared with surprise, glowed with indig- 
nation, gaped with curiosity, smiled with jilea- 
sure, trembled with fear, and wept with 
sorrow, as the vicissitndes of my life inspired 
these different passions ; and. when my st<>ry 
wius ended, signified his amazement on tho 
whole, by lifting uji his eyes and hands, and 

I)rotesting that, though I wiis a yotmg man, I 
lad suffered more than all the blessed martyrs. 
After dinner, I desired in my turn to knovr 
the particulars of his peregrination, and ho 
satisfied me in a few words, by giving mo to 
imderstand that he had lived a year at Paris 
with his master, who, in that time having 
acquired the Ian - wel! a.s the fivshion- 

able exercises, t 'ion, made a tour of 

Franco and Holland, during which excursion 
he was so unfortunate as to meet with throe 
of his own countrymen on their travels, in 
whose company he committed such excesses, 
that his constitution failed, and he fell into a 
consumption ; that by the advice of physicians, 
he went to Monti)elier for tho benefit of good 
air, and recovered so well in six weeks, that 
he returned to Ilheims seemingly in good 
health, where he had not continued above a 
month, when he was seized with a looseness- 
that carried him off in ten days, to the un- 
speakable sorrow of all who knew him, and 
especially of Strap, who had been very 
happy in Ids ser^^ce, and given such satisfac- 
tion, that his master, on his death-bed, re- 
commended him to several persons of dis- 
tinction for his diligence, sobriety, and 
affection, and left him by will his wearing 
apparel, gold watch, sword, rings, ready 
monej", and all tho moveables he had in 
France, to tho value of three hundred pounds 



RODERICK RjiyDOM. 



Ill 



' wliicli I now,' said he, ' in the sight of God 
and n»:in, surrender to your absohite disposal : 
V.-re are my keys ; take them, I beseech you, 

1 God j,dvo you joy of the possession.' My 
i.i.iin was almost 'tnrne<l by this sudden 
change of fortune, which I could scarce 
believe real : however, I positivelj^ refused 
this extravagant proffer of my friend, and 
put him in mind of my being a soldier ; at 
which hint he started, crying, ' Odso ! that's 
true! we must procure your discharge. I 
have some interest with a nobleman who is 
able to do me that favour.' 

We consulted about thi3 affair, and it was 
determined that Monsieur d'Estrapes should 
wait upon the Marquis in the nioniing, and tell 
him he had by accident found his brother, whom 
ho had not seen for many years before, a pri- 
vate soldier in the regiment of Picanly, and 
implore that nobleman's interest for his dis- 
charge. In the meantime, we enjoye<l our- 
selves over a bottle of good Burgundy, and 
spent the evening in concerting s'-hemes for 
our future conduct, in case I .«hould Ijo so 
lucky as to get rid of the army. The business 
was to make ourselves easy for life hy means 
of his legacy, a ta.sk very difBcult, and, in the 
usual methods of laying out money, altogether 
impracticable ; so that, after much canvassing, 
we couM come to no resolution that night ; 
l)ut when weiwirteil, recommende<l the matter 
to the serious attention of ciu-h other. As for 
my own part. I puzzltxl my imagination to no 
punwse. When I thought of tumuig mer- 
chant, the smallness of our .stock, and the ri.nk 
of seas, encniitt.'", and markets, deterretl mo 
from that scheme. If I should settle ti» a 
surgeon in my own country, I would find the 
busiiu'ss alrca<ly ovorstocKod : or, if I pre- 
tended to sot up in England, must labour 
under want of friends and powerful opposi- 
tion, obstacles insurmountable by the most 
shining merit : neither should I succeed in my 
endeavours to ri.*e in the state, inasmuch as 
I could neither flatter nor pimp for courtiers, 
nor prostitute my pen in defence of a wicked 
and contemptible sulministration. Before I 
could form any feasible project, I fell asleep, 
and my fancy was blest witJi the imago of the 
dear Narcis.sa, who seemed to smile ujion mv 
passion, and offer her hand as a reword for ail 
my toiU. 

Early in the morning I went to the lodgings 
of my friend, whom I found exulting over his 
happy invention I for I no sooner ontere<l his 
apartment, than ho iuMresse<l him.self t<i mo 
in these words, with a smile of self-applause : 
'Well, Mr. Random, a lucky thought may come 
into a fool's head sometimes. I have hit it — 
I'll hold you a button my plan is better than 

Sours, for all your learning. But you shall 
avo the preference in this as in all other 
things; therefore proceed, and let us know 
the effects of your meditation ; and then I 
will impart my own simple excogitations.' I 
told him, that not one thought had occurred 
to me which deserved the least notice, aad 



signified my impatience to bo acquainted with 
the fruits of his reflection. ' As wo have not,' 
siiid he, ' money sufhcient to maintain us dur- 
ing a tedious expectation, it is my opinion 
that a bold push must bo made ; and I see 
none so likely to succeed as your uppoiiring in 
the character of a gentleman (which is your 
due), and m;iking your addresses to some lady 
of fortune, who can render you independent 
at once. Nay, don't stare — I affirm that this 
scheme is both prudent and honourable ; for 
I would not have you throw yourself away 
upon an old toothless wheezing dame, whoso 
breath would stink you into a consumption in 
less than three months ; neithfcr would I iul- 
viso you to a.ssume the character of a wealthy 
s<iuire, tvs your common fortune-hunters do, 
by which means many a poor lady is cheated 
into matrimony, and instead of enjoying the 

!>omp and grandeur that was promised, sees 
ler dowry seized by her husband's rapacious 
creditors, and herself reduced to misery and 
despair. No, I know you have a soul that 
iV' ' -uch imposition; and are master of 

i| ;oiis, both of mind and body, which 

alone entitle you to a match that will set you 
above the world. I have clothes in my pos- 
session that a duke need not bo ashamed to 
wear. I believe they will fit you as they are, 
if not there are plenty of tailors in France. 
liot us take a short trip to Paris, and provide 
ourselves with all other noces.saries, then sot 
out for England, whore I intend to do myself 
the honour of attending you iu quality of a 
valet. This expedient will save you the ox- 
l>en.so of a servant, shaving, and dressing ; 
and I doubt not but, by the blessing of God, 
we shall bring matters to a si)ce<ly and fortu- 
nate issue.' Extnivagant as this proposal 
was, I listened to it with jileasuro, b(ioauso it 
flattered my vanity, and indulged a ridiculous 
hope I began to entertain of inspiring Nar- 
cis«a with a mutual flame. 

After breakfast, Mon.siour d'Estrapes went 
to ]>ay his devoirs to the manpiis, and was so 
successful in his ajiplication, that I obtained 
a discharge in a few days, upon which wo set 
out for Paris. Hero I had time to reflect and 
congratulato myself upon this sudden transi- 
tionOf fate, which to bear with moderation 
ro<iuired some degree of philosophy and self- 
denial. This truth will be more obvious, if I 
girve a detail of tlie particulars, to the quiet 
possession of which I was raised in an instant, 
from the most abject misery and contempt, 
Jly wardrobe ctmsisted of five fashionable 
coats full mounted, two of which wore plain, 
one of cut velvet, one trimmed with gold, and 
another with silver lace ; two frocks, one of 
white drab, with large plate buttons, the other 
of blue with gold binding ; ono waistcoat of 
golil brocade ; ono of blue satin, embroidered 
with silver ; one of green silk, trimmed with 
figured broad gold lace ; one of black silk, 
with fringes ; one of white satin, one of black 
cloth, and one of scarlet ; six pair of cloth 
breeches; ono pair of crimson, and another 



112 



RODERICK RANDOM 



of black velvet ; twelve pair of white silk 
stockings, as many of black silk, and the same 
number of white cotton ; one hat, laced with 
gold point d'Espagne, another with silver lace 
scolloped, a third with gold binding, and a 
fourth plain ; three dozen of fine ruffled shirts, 
as many neckcloths ; one dozen of cambric 
handkerchiefs, and the like number of silk. 
The other moveables, which I possessed by 
the generosity and friendship of Strap, were 
a gold watch with a chased case, two valu- 
able diamond rings, two mourning swords, 
one with a silver handle, and a fourth cut 
steel inlaid with gold, a diamond stock buckle, 
and a set of stone buckles for the knees and 
shoes ; a pair of silver-mounted pistols with 
rich housings ; a gold-headed cane, and a 
snuff-box of tortoiseshell, mounted with gold, 
having the picture of a lady in the top. The 
gentleman left many other things of value, 
which my friend had converted into cash be- 
fore I met with him ; so that, over and above 
these particulars, our stock in ready money 
amounted to something more than two hun- 
dred pounds. 

Thus equipped, I put on the gentleman of 
figure, and, attended by my honest friend, 
who was contented with the station of my 
valet, visited the Louvre, examined the gal- 
lery of Luxembourg, and api)cared at Ver- 
sailles, where I had the honour of seeing his 
Most Christian Majesty eat a considerable 
qnantitj' of olives. During the month I spent 
at Paris, I went several times to court, the 
Italian comedy, opera, and playhouse, danced 
at a masquerade, and, in short, saw every- 
thing remarkable in and about that capital. 
Then wo set out for England by the way of 
Flanders, passed throngli Brussels, Ghent, 
and Bruges, and took shipping at Ostend, 
from whence, in fourteen hours, wo arrived 
at Deal, hired a postchaise, and in twelve 
hours more got safe to London, having 
disposed of our heavy baggage in the 
waggon. 

CHAPTER XLV. 

I inquire for my Uncle, and understand he is 
gone to sea — take Lodgings at Chariny Cross 
— go to the PlAy, uhere I meet with an 
1 adventure — Dineat anordinary — the Guests 
described — become acquainted loith Medlar 
and Doctor Wagtail. 

AS soon as we alighted at the inn, I dis- 
patched Strap to inquire for my uncle at 
the Union Flag in Wajjpinp ; and he returned 
in a little time, with an account of Mr. Bow- 
ling's having gone to sea, mate of a merchant 
ship, after a long and unsncco.s.«ful application 
and attendance at tlie Admiralty ; where, it 
seems, the interest he depended upon was 
not sufficient to reinstate him, or recover the 
pay that was due to him when he quitted the 
Thunder. 

Next day I hired very handsome lodgings 
not far from Charing Cross ; and in the even- 



ing dressed myself in a plain suit of the 
true Paris cut, and appeared in a front box 
at the play, where I saw a pood deal of com- 
pany, and was vain enough to believe that 
I was observed with an uncommon degree of 
attention and applause. This silly conceit 
intoxicated me so much, that I was guilty of 
a thousand ridiculous coquetries ; and I dara 
say, how favourable soever the thoughts of 
the company might be at my first appearance, 
they were soon changed by my absurd be- 
haviour into pity or contempt. I rose and 
sat down, covered and uncovered my head 
twenty times between the acts ; pulled out 
my watch, clapped it to my ear, wound it 
up, set it, gave it the hearing again ; dis- 
played my snuff-box, affected to take snuff, 
that I might have an opportunity of showing 
my brilliant, and wiped my nose with a per- 
fumed handkerchief; then dangled my cane, 
and adjusted my sword-knot, and acted many 
more fooleries of the same kijid, in hopes of 
obtaining the character of a pretty fellow, 
in the acquiring of which I found two con- 
siderable obstructions in my disposition — 
namely, a natural reserve and jealous sensi- 
bility. Fain would I have entered into con- 
versation with the people around me : but I 
was restrained by the fear of being censured 
for my a.ssuranco, as well as by reflecting that 
I was more entitled to a, compliment of this 
kind from them, than they to such conde- 
scension from a stranger like me. How often 
did I redden at the fre<iuent whispers and 
loud laughter of my fellow beaux, which I 
imagined wore excited by me ; and how often 
did I envy the hajijiy intiifferenco of those 
choice spirits, who beheld the distr ss of the 
scene without discovering the least symptom 
of approbation or concern. My attention was 
engaged in spite of mj'self, and I could not 
help weeping with the heroine of the stage, 
though I practised a great many shifts to 
conceal this piece of unpolito weakness. 

When the play was ended, I sat waiting for 
an opportunity of luinding some lady to her 
coach ; but everj-one was attended by such a 
number of officious gallants, that for a long 
time I was biriked in my cxi)ectation. At 
length, however, I perceived a very hand- 
some creature, genteelly dressed, sitting by 
herself in a box, at some distance from me ; 
upon which I went up to her, and offered my 
service. She seemed to be iu some confusion, 
thanked me for my complaisance, and with a 
tender look declined giving me the trouble : 
looking at her watch, and testifying her sur- 
prise at the negligence of hnr footman, whom 
slie had ordered to have a chair ready for her 
at that hour. I repeated my entreaty with 
all the elofjuence and compliment I va^ mas- 
ter of; and, in the event, she was prevailed 
upon to accept of a proposal I made, to send 
my ."servant for a chair or coach : accord- 
inu'ly, Strap was detached for that purpose, 
and returned without success. By this time 
the playhouse was quite empty, and we were 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



113 



obliffod to retire. As I led her through the 
jvissii^e, I observed five or six youngr fellows 
fiLshion standing in a comer, one of whom, 
I thougfht, tipped my charmer the wink, 
1 wlion we were passed, I heard them set 
a loud lauj,'h. This note aroused my 
•^ntion, and I was resolved to be fully 
idfied of this lady's character, before I 
uld have any nearer connection with her. 
As no convenience appeared, I proposed lo 
conduct her to a tavern, where we mifjht stay 
a few minutes, until my servant could fetch 
a coach from the Strand. She seemed parti- 
cularly shy of trusting herself in a tavern with 
a stranjjcr ; but at last yielded to my pathetic 
remdnstraiiccs, rather than endanij^er her 
health by remaining in a cold, damp thorou|,'h- 
fare. Having thus far succeeded, I be?ged 
to know what wine she would bo pleased to 
drink a glass of; but she professed the great- 
est aversion to all sorts of strong liquors, and 
it was with much dilKculty that I could per- 
8ua<le her to eat a jelly. 

In the meantime, I endeavoured to alleviate 
the uneasiness she disi-overed, by saying all 
the iigrcoablo things I oonld think of; at which 
she would often sigh, and rcijnrd mo with a 
languishing look, that seemed, however, too 
near akin to the lewd leer of a courtesan. This 
discovery added to my former suspicion, while 
it put me upon my guard against her arts, di- 
Tostcd me of reserve, and enabled me to enter- 
tain her with gaiety and freedom. In the 
course of our conversation, I pressed her to 
allow me the honour of waiting upon her next 
day at her lodgings, a request which .«he, with 
many apologiiM, refused, lest it should pivo 
umbrage to Sir John, who was of adisposition 
apt to bo fretted with trifles. This informa- 
tion, by which I was to understand that her 
hustiand was a knight, did not check my ad- 
dresses, which became more and more importu- 
nate, and I was oven hardy ^ough to ravish a 
kiss. But, O heavens I instead! of banqueting 
on the ambrosial flavour, that her delicacy of 
complexion promised, I was almost suffocated 
with the steams of Geneva ! An exhalation 
of this kind, from a mouth which had just 
before doi;lare<l an utter abhorrence of all spi- 
rituous liquors, not only changed my doubts 
into certainty, but my raptures into loathing ; 
and it would have been impossible for me to 
have preserved common complaisance fivo 
minutes longer, when my servant returned 
with a coach. I took the a<lvantago of this 
occasion, and presented my hand to the lady, 
who put in practice against me the whole ar- 
tillery of her charms, ogling, languishing, 
sighing, and squeezing, with so little reserve, 
that Strap perceived her tenderness, and rub- 
bed his hands with joy as he followed us to 
the door ; but I was proof against all her en- 
dearments, and handed her into the coach 
with an intention to take my leave immedi- 
atel}'. She guessed my design, and invited 
me to her house, whispering, that now Sir 
John was gone to bed, she could have the plea- 



sure of my conversation for half-an-hour with- 
out interruption. I told her there was no 
mortification I would not undergo, rather 
than endanger the repose of her ladyship ; 
and, bidding the coachman drive on, wished 
her a good night. She lost all temper at my 
indiff"erence, and, stopping the coach, at the 
distance of about twenty yards from me. pop- 
ped out her head, and bawled with the lungs 
of a fishwoman, ' D— n you, you dog, won't 
you pay the coach-hire ?' As I made no 
answer, she held forth against me with an 
elofjuenco peculiar to herself; calling me piti- 
ful fellow, scoundrel, and a hundred such ap- 
pellations ; concluding with an oath, that, for 
all my apjjearance, she believed I had get no 
money in my pocket. 

Having thus vented her indignation, she 
ordered her coachman to proceed, and I re- 
turned to the tavern, where I bespoke some- 
thing for supper, very well pleased at the 
issue of this adventure. I disnensed with the 
attendance of the waiter at table, on pretence 
that my own servant was present, and, when 
wo were alone, said to Strap, ' Well, Monsieur 
d'Estrapcs, what d'ye think of this huly?' 
My friend, who had not opened his mouth 
since her departure, could make no other 
reply than the monosyllable ' Think !' which 
he pronounced with a note of tear and asto* 
nishmont. Surprised at this empha.sis, I sur- 
veyed my valet, and, perceiving a wildness in 
his looks, asked if he had seen his grandfather's 
ghost ? ' Ghost I' said he, ' I am sure I have 
seen a devil incarnate ! Who would have 
thought that so much devilish malice and 
Billingsgate could lurk under so much sweet- 
ness of countenance and modesty of beha- 
viour ? Ah ! Gotl help us ! Fronii nnUaJides 
— nimium ne crcde colori — but we ought to 
down on our knees, and bless God for deliver- 
ing us from the jaws of that painted sepulchre!' 
I was pretty much of Strap's opinion, and, 
though I dirl not believe myself in any danger 
from the allurements of that sisterhood, I de- 
termiuetl to act with great circumspection for 
the future, and shun all commerce of that 
kind, as equally prejudicial to my purse and 
constitution. 

My next care was to introduce myself into 
a set of good acquaintance : for which purpose 
I frequented a certain coff"ee-house. noted for 
the resort of good company, English as well 
as foreigners, where my appearance procured 
all the civilities and advances I could desire. 
As there was an ordinary in the same hous^ 
I went upstairs to dinner with the other 
guests, and found myself at a table with thir- 
teen people, the greatest part of whom were 
better dressed than myself. The conversa- 
tion, which was mostly carried on in French, 
turned chiefly on politics ; and I soon found tho 
whole company were in the French interest, 
myself excepted, and a testy old gentleman, 
who contradicted everything that was ad- 
vanced in favour of his Most Christian Ma- 
jesty, with a surliness truly English. But 



114 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



this trusty patriot, who had never been out of 
his own country, and drew all his maxims and 
notions from prejudice and hearsay, was very 
unequal to his antagonists, who were superior 
to him in learning and experience, and often 
took the liberty of travellers in asserting 
tilings which were not strictly true, be- 
cause they thought themselves in no dan- 
ger of being detected by him. The claim 
of the Queen of Spain to the Austrian 
dominions in Italy was fully explained and 
vindicated, by a person who sat opposite to 
me, and, by the solemnity of his manner and 
the richness of his apparel, seemed to be a 
foreign ambassador. This dissertation pro- 
duced another on the Pragmatic Sanction, 
handled with great warmth by a young 
gentleman at my right hand, dressed in a 
green frock, trimmed with gold, who justified 
the French king for his breach of that con- 
tract ; and affirmed that he could not have 
observed it without injuring his own glorj'. 
Although I was not at all convinced by this 
gentleman's arguments, I could not help ad- 
miring his vivacity, which, I imagined, must 
be the effect of his illustrious birth and noble 
education, and accordingly rated him, in my 
conjecture, as a young prince on liis travels. 
The discourse was afterwards .shifted by an 
old gentleman, of a very martial appearance, 
to the last campaign, when the battle of 
Dettingen was fought over again, with so 
many circumstances to the honour of the 
French and disadvantage of the Allies, that 
I began to entertain some doubts of my 
having been there in person, and took the 
liberty to mention some objections to wh»t 
ho advanced. This freedom introduced a 
dispute, which livstcd a good wliile, to the 
mortification of all present ; and was at last 
referred to the determination of a grave 
person,*whom they styled Doctor, and who, 
under a show of great moderation, decided it 
against me, with so little regard to truth, 
that I taxed him Avith partiality in pretty 
severe terms, to the no small entertainment 
of the true English politician, who rejoiced at 
my defence of a cause ho had so often 
espoused without success. 

My opponent, pleased with the victoir he 
had gained, affected a great deal of candour, 
and told me, he should not have been so 
positive, if he had not been at great pains to 
inform himself of each particular. ' Indeed,' 
said he, ' I am convinced that, the previous 
steps considered, things could not happen 
otherwise; for we generals who have seen 
service, though we may not be on the spot 
ourselves, know by the least sketch of the 
disposition what must be the event.' Ho 
then censured, with great freedom, every cir- 
cumstance of the conduct of those who com- 
manded the Allies; from thence made a 
transition to the ministry, which he honoured 
with many invectives, for employing people 
who had neither experience nor capacity, to 
the prejudice of old officers, who had been 



distinguished for both ; dropped many hints ■ 
of his own importance, and concluded with ■ 
observing, that the French and Spauiurda 
knew better how to value generals of merit; 
the good effects of which are seen in the con- 
quests they gain, and the admirable discipline 
of their troops, which are at the same time 
better clothed and paid than any soldiers in 
the universe. These remarks furnished the 
green knight with an opportunity of launch- 
ing out in the praise of the French govern- 
ment in general, civil as w^ell as military ; on 
which occasion he made many odious com- 
parisons to the disadvantage of the English. 
Everybody, almost, assented to the observa- 
tions he made, and the doctor gave his sanc- 
tion, by saying, the peojJe of France wore 
undoubted]}- the happiest subjects in the 
world. I was so much astonished and con- 
founded at their infatuation and effrontery, 
that I had not power to utter one word in 
opposition to their assertions ; but my morose 
associate could not put up with the indignity 
that was offered to Old England, and there- 
fore with a satirical grin addressed himself to 
the general in these words : ' Sir, sir, I have 
often heard it said, SJic's a rilUnunis hird 
that licj'inds her ou-n nest. As for what those 
people who are foreigners say, I don't mind 
it ; they know no better ; but you who were 
bred and liom, and have got your bread, 
under the English government, should havo 
more regard to gratitude, as well as truth, 
in censuring your native country. If the 
ministry have thought fit to lay you aside, I 
suppose they have their own reasons for so 
doing ; and you ought to remember, that you 
still live on the bounty of this nation. As for 
these gentlemen (meaning the i>rinco and am- 
bassador), who make so free with our consti- 
tution, laws, and genius of our people, I 
think they might show a little more respect 
for their benefactors, who, I must own, are 
to blame in harbouring, protecting, and en- 
couraging, such ungrateful vagrants as they 
are.' At these words, the chevalier in green 
started up in a great passion, and laying his 
hand on the hilt of his hanger, exclaimed, 
' Ah ! foxtrc ! ' The Englishman on the other 
hiind, grasping his cane, cried, ' Don't foutn 
me, sirrah, or by Gr— d 111 knock you down.' 
The company interposed, the Frenchman sat 
down again, and his antagonist proceeded — 
' Lookye, Monsieur ; you know very well 
that, had you dared to speak so freely of the 
administration of your own country in Paris, 
as you have done of ours in London, you 
would havo been sent to the Bastille without 
ceremony, where you might have rotted in a 
dungeon, and never seen the light of the sun 
again. Now. sir, take my word for it, although 
our con.stitution screens us from such oppres- 
sion, wo want not laws to chastise the 
authors of seditious discourse ; and, if I hear 
another syllable out of your mouth in con- 
tempt or prejudice of this kingdom, I will 
give you Sk convincing proof of what I ad^ 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



ni 



Tanoe, and havo yon laid by the heels for 
your presumption.' This declaration had an 
effect on the company as sudden as surprising. 
The young prince became as supple as a 

Eaniel, the ambassador trembled, the general 
t silent and abashed, and the doctor, who it 
iecms, had felt the rod of power, grew pale as 
(death, and assured us all, that he had no 
intention to affront any person or people. 

* Your principles, doctor,' resumed ttio old 
gentleman, 'are no secret — I have nothing 
to say ui)on that head ; but am very much 
Buri'riscd, that a man who despises us so much, 
should notwithstanding live among us, when 
he has no visible motive for so doing. A\Tiy 
don't you take np your habitation in your be- 
loved France, where you may rail at England 
without censure ? ' To this remonstrance the 
doctor thought proper to make no reply, and 
an unsocial silence ensnofl ; which I perceiving, 
took notice, that it was pity such idle dis- 
putes, maintained very often through whim 
or diversion, should create any mi.»an<lerstand- 
ing among gentlemen of good sense, and pro- 

, posed to drink down all animosity in another 
bottle. 

Tliis motion was applauded by the whole 
comjiany. The wine was brought, and the 
English champion, declaring he had no spleen 
against any man for differing in opinion from 
him, any more than for difference of com- 
plexion, drank to the good health of all pre- 
sent ; the compliment was returned, and tho 
conversation once more became unreserved 
though more general than before. Among 
other topics, the subject of war was intro- 
duced, on which the general declaimed with 
(freat el()(|nence, recounting many of his own 
exjiloits by way of illustration. In the course 
of his harangue he happened to mention tho 
word ^piiiili'ment, n\)on which the testy gen- 
tleman asked the meaning of that term. ' I'll 
tell you what an epaulement is,' replied he, 
' I never saw an epaulement but once, and 
that was at the siege of Namur. In a coun- 
cil of war. Monsieur Cohorn, the famous 
engineer, affirmed that the place could not be 
t' ion.' ' Yes,' said the Prince of Vandcmont, 
' it may bo taken by an epaulement.' ' This 
was immediately put into execution, and in 
twenty-four hours Marcschal Boufflcrs was 
fain to cajiitulate.' Here he made a full stop, 

I and the old gentleman repeated tho question, 

* But pray what is an epaulement ? ' To this 
interrogation the officer made no immediate 
reply, hnt rang tho bell, and called for tho 
bill, which being l)rought, ho threw down his 
proportion of the reckoning, and, telling the 
company he would show them an epaule- 
ment when his majesty should think fit to en- 
trust him with the command of our army 
abroad, strutted away witli gi-oat dignitj-. I 
could not imagine why he was so shj* of ex- 
plaining one of the most simple terms of 
fortification, which I forthwith described as 
a side-work composed of earth, gabions, or 
fascines ; but I was very much surprised when 



I afterwards understood that his reserve pro- 
ceeded from his ignorance. 

Having paid our bill, we adjourned to fhe 
coffee-room, where my fellow-labourer insisted 
on treating me with a dish, giving me to un- 
derstand, at the same time, that I had ac- 
quired his good opinion, both with respect to 
my principles and understanding. I thanked 
him for his compliment, and, professing myself 
an utter stranger in this part of tho world, 
begged he would have the goodness to inform 
me of the quality and characters of tho peo- 
ple who dined above. This re(^uest was a 
real favour to one of his disposition, which 
was no loss communicative than curious ; he 
therefore complied with great satisfaction, 
and told me, to my extreme astonishment, 
that the supposed young prince was a dancer 
at one of the theatres, and tho amba.?sador 
no other than a fiddler belonging to tho 
opera. ' Tho doctor,' said ho ' is a Roman 
Catholic priest, who sometimes appears in tho 
character of an officer, and assumes tlio name 
of captain ; but more generally takes the 
garb, title, and behaviour of a i)hysician, in 
which capacity he wheedles himself into the 
confidence of weak-minded people, and by 
arguments no less specious than false converts 
them from their religion and allegiance. He 
has been in the hands of justice more than 
once for such practices, but he is a sly dog, 
and manages matters with so much craft, 
that hitherto ho has escaped for a short im- 
prisonment. As for tho general, you may see 
he has owed his promotion more to his inte- 
rest than his capacity ; and, now that tho 
eyes of the ministry aro opened, his friends 
dead or become inconsiderable, he is struck 
off tho list, and obliged to put up with a 
yearly pension. In consequence of this re- 
duction, he is become malcontent, and in- 
veighs against the government in all com- 
panies, with so little discretion, that I am 
surprised at the lenity of the administration, 
in overlooking his insolence; but the truth of 
the matter is, he owes his safety to his weak- 
ness and want of importance. He has seen a 
little, and but a little, service ; and yet, if 
you will take his word for it, there has not 
been a great action performed in the field 
since the Revolution, in which ho was not 
principally concerned. When a story is told 
of any great general, he immediately matches 
it with one of himself, though he is often un- 
happy in his invention, and commits such 
gross blunders in tho detail, that everybody 
is in pain for him. Cajsar, Pompey, and 
Alexander tho Great, are continually in his 
mouth ; and, as he reads a good deal without 
any judgment to digest it, his ideas are con- 
fused, and his harangues as unintelligible as 
infinite ; for, if once he begin, there is no 
chance of his leaving off speaking while one 
person remains to yield attention ; therefore 
the only expedient I know, for putting a 
stop to his loquacity, is to lay hold of some 
incongruity he has uttered, and demand an 



116 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



explanation; or ask the meaning of some 
difficult term that ho knows by name only ; 
this method will effectually put him to si- 
lence, if not to fligrht, as it happened when 
I inquired about an dpaulemenf. Had he 
been ac:iuainted with the signification of 
that word, his triumph would have been in- 
tolerable, and we must have quitted the field 
first, or been worried with impertinence.' 

Having thus gratified my curiosity, the old 
gentleman began to discover his own, in ques- 
tions relating to myself, to which I thought 
proper to return ambiguous answers. ' I pre- 
sume, sir,' said he, 'you have travelled.' I 
answered, ' Yes.' ' I dare say you have found 
it verj' expensive,' said he. I replied, ' To be 
sure, one cannot travel without money.' ' That 
I know by experience,' said he, 'for I myselt 
take a trip to Bath or Tunbridge every sea- 
son ; and one must pay sauce for what he has 
on the road, as well in other countries as in 
this. That's a pretty stone in your ring — give ' 
me leave, sir — the French have attained to a 
wonderful skill in making compositions of this 
kind. Why, now, this looks almost as well as 
a diamond.' ' Almost as well, sir ! ' said I, 
' why not altogether ? I am sure, if you un- 
derstand anything of jewels, you must per- 
ceive, at first sight, that this stone is a real 
diamond, and that of a very tine water. Take 
it in your hand and examine it." Ho did so 
with some confusion, and returned it, saying, 
* I ask your pardon ; I see it is a true brilliant 
of immense value.' I imagined his respect for 
me increased after this inquiry ; therefore, to 
captivate his esteem the more, I told him, I 
■would show him a seal of composition, en- 
graved after a vor\' valuable antique ; upon 
which I pulled out my watch with a rich gold 
chain, adorned with three seals set in gold, 
and an opal ring. He viewed each of them 
with great eagerness, handled the chain, a<l- 
mired the chased case, and observed that the 
whole must have cost me a vast sum of money. 
I affected indifference, and replied in a care- 
less manner, ' Some trifle of sixty or seventy 
guineas.' Ho stared in my face for some time, 
and then asked if 1 was an Englishman ? I 
answered in the negative. ' You are from 
Ireland then, sir, I presume,' said he. I made 
the same reply. ' Oh ! perhaps,' said he, 'you 
were born in one of our settlements abroad.' 
I still answered No. He seemed very much 
surprised, and said, he was sure I was not a 
foreigner. I made no reply, but left him upon 
the tenter-hooka of impatient uncertainty. 
He could not contain his anxiety, but asked 
pardon for the liberties he had taken, and, to 
encourage me the more to disclose my situa- 
tion, displayed his own without reserve. ' I 
am,' said he, ' a single man, have a consider- 
able annuity, on which I live according to my 
inclination, and make the ends of the year 
meet very Comfortably, As I have no estate 
to leave behind. I am not troubled with the 
importunate oflficiousness of relations or le- 
gacy hunters, and I consider the world as 



made for me, not me for the world ; it is my 
maxim, therefore, to enjoy it while I can, and 
let futurity shift for itself.' 

While he thus indulged his own talkative 
vein, and at the same time, no doubt, expected 
a retaliation from me, a young man entered, 
dressed in black velvet and an enormous tie- 
wig, with an air in which natural levity and 
affected solemnity were so jumbled together, 
that on the whole he appeared a burlesque on 
all decorum. This ridicuJous oddity danced up 
to the table at which we sat, and, after a thou- 
sand grimaces, asked my friend by the name of 
Mr. Medlar, if we were not engaged upon bu.Ki- 
ness. My companion put on a surly counte- 
nance, and replied ' No great business, doctor 
—but however' — ' Oh ! then,' cried the physi- 
cian, ' I must beg your indulgence a little ; pray 
pardon me, gentlemen. ' Sir,' said he, address- 
ing himself to me, 'your most humble servant ; 
I hope you will forgive me, sir — I must beg the 
favour to sit — .«ir — sir — I have something of 
consequence to impart to my friend Mr. Med- 
lar — sir, I hope you will excuse my frcedofti in 
whispering, sir.' Before I had time to give 
this complaisant person my permission, Mr. 
Medlar cried, ' I'll have no whispering — if you 
have anything to say to me, speak with an 
audible voice.' The doctor seemed a little 
disconcerted at this exclamation, and, turning 
again to me, ma<ie a thousand ajjologies for 
pretending to make a mystery of anything, a 
piece of caution which he said was owing to 
his ignorance of my connection with Mr. 
Medlar ; but now he understood I was a 
friend, he would communicate what he had 
to say in my hearing. He then began, after 
two or three hems, in this manner : ' You 
must know, sir, I am just come from dinner 
at my Lady Flareit's (then addressing him.self 
to me), a lady «f quality, sir, at whose table I 
have the honour of dining sometimes. There 
was Lady Stately and my Lady Larum, and 
Mrs. Dainty, and Miss Biddy Giggler, upon 
my word, a very good-natured young lady, 
with a very pretty fortune, sir. There was 
also my Lord Straddle, Sir John Shrug, and 
Master Billy Chatter, who is actually a voi \ 
facetious young gentleman. So, sir, her lady- 
ship 'seeing me excessively fatigued, for sho 
was the last of fifteen patients (people of dis- 
tinction, sir) whom 1 had visited this forenoon, 
insisted upon my staying dinner, though upon 
my word I protest 1 had no appetite ; how- 
ever, in compliance with her ladyship's re- 
quest, sir, I .sat down, and the conversation 
turning on different subjects, among other 
things, Mr. Chatter asked very earnestly wlien 
I saw Mr. Medlar. 1 told him I had not had 
the pleasure of seeing you these nineteen 
hours and a half ; for you may remember, sir, 
it was nearly about that time ; I won't be 
positive as to a minute.' ' No,' says he, ' then 
I desire you will go to his lodgings immediately 
after dinner, and see what's the matter with 
him, for he must certainly be very bad from 
ha^•ing eaten last night such a vast quan- 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



117 



_ity of raw oysters.' Tho crusty gentleman, 
Who, from the solemnity of his delivery, ex- 
pcted something extraordinary, no sooner 
heard his conclusion, than he started up 
in a testy humour, crying, ' Pshaw, pshaw ! 
d— n your oysters !' and walked away, after 
a short compliment of, ' Your servant sir,' to 
me. The doctor got up also, saying, ' I tow 
and protest, upon my word, I am actually 
amazed ;' and followed Mr. Medlar to the bar, 
which was hard by, where ho was paying for 
his coffee : there he whispered so loud that I 
could overhear, 'Pray, who is this gentle- 
man:-' His friend replied hastily, *I might 
have known that before now, if it had not 
loeen for your impertinent intrusion,' — and 
walked off very much disappointed. Tho 
ceremonious phyeician returned immediately 
and sat down by me, asking a thousand par- 
dons for leaving me alone ; and giving mo to 
understand that what he had communicated 
to Mr. Me<Uar at the bar, was an affair of the 
last importance, that would admit of no delay. 
He then called for some coffee, and launched 
out into the virtues of that berry, which, ho 
said, in cold phlegmatic constitutions, like 
his, dried up tho superfluous moisture, and 
i)raced the relaxed nerves. He told mo it 
was utterly unknown to tho ancients ; and 
derived its name from an Arabian word, which 
I might easily perceive by the sound and ter- 
mination. From this topic he transferred his 
disquisitions to the verb drink, which ho 
affirmed was improperly applied to tho taking 
of coffee, inasmuch as people did not drink, 
but sip or sipjile that liquor ; that the genuine 
meaning of ilriiiking is to quench one's thirst, 
or commit a debauch by swallowing wine ; 
that the Latin word, which conveyed tho 
same idea, was hihere or potnre, and that of 
tho Greeks pincin or poteeiu, though ho was 
apt to believe they were differently useil on 
different occasions : for example — to drink a 
vast quantity, or, as tho vulgar express it, to 
drink an ocean of liquor, was in Latin potare, 
ami in Greek poteein ; and, on tho other hand, 
to use it moderately, was Inhere and pinein ; 
— that this was only a conjecture of his own, 
which, however, seemed to bo supported by 
the word hihuhnis, which is particularly ap- 
plifd to tho pores of the skin, and can only 
drink a very small quantity of tho circumam- 
bient moisture, by reason of the smallness of 
their diameters; — wherea.s, from the verb 
poteein is derived the substantive j)otnmos, 
which signifies a river, or vast quantity of 
liquor. I could not help smiling at this 
learned and important investigation ; and, to 
recommend myself the more to my new ac- 
quaintance, whose disposition I was by this 
time well informed of, I observed that, what 
he alleged did not, to ihe best of my remem- 
brance, appear in the writings of the ancients ; 
for Horace uses the words poto and biho in- 
differently for the same purpose, as in the 
twentieth Ode of his first Book, 



' Vile potabit moditit tnbinum enntharh— 
— Et pr<rlo dnmitum rtiUito tii bibrt uvam. 

That I had never heard of the verb poteein, 
but that potamos, potenia, and potos, were 
derived from pino, poso, pepoka ; in conse- 
quence of which, the Greek poets never use 
any other word for festal drinking. Homer 
describes Nestor at his cups in these words : 

' Xestora <f ouk tlathmjacht piaonta ptrtmpti.' 

And Anacreon mentions it on the samo occa- 
sion always in every page. 

' Pinonti de oinon hrdun. 
Otnn pino ton oinon. 
0;Vi:' tgiidt pino.' 

And in a thousand other places. Tho doctor, 
who doubtless intended by his criticism to 
give me a high idea of his erudition, was infi- 
nitely surprised to find hiinself schooled by 
one of my appearance ; and after a consider- 
able pause cried, ' Upon my word, you are in 
the right, sir — I find I have not consi- 
dered this affair with my usual accuracy.' 
Then, accosting me in Latin, which he spoke 
very well, the conversation was maintained 
full two hours, on a variety of subjects, in 
that language ; and indeed he spoko so judi- 
ciously, that I was convinced, notwithstand- 
ing his whimsical appearance and attention 
to trifles, that ho was a man of extensive 
knowledge, especially in books ; ho looked 
upon me. as I afterwards understood from 
Mr. Medlar, as a prodigy in learning, and 
proposed that very night, if I wcro not en- 
gaged, to introduce me to several young gen- 
tlemen of fortune and fashion, with whom ho 
had an appointment at tho Bedford coffee- 
house. 



CHAPTER XLVL 

Wagtail introduces me to a set of fine Gentle- 
men ^cith whom I spend the Evening at a 
Tavern — our Conversation — the Character's 
of ni]) new Companions — the Doctor is roasted 
— the Issue of our Debauch. 

I ACCEPTED his offer with pleasure, and 
we went thither in a hackney coach, 
where I saw a great number of gay figures 
fluttering about, most of whom spoko to 
tho doctor with great familiarity. Among 
the rest stood a group of them round the fire, 
whom I immediately knew to bo tho very 
persons who had the night before, by their 
laughing, alarmed ray suspicion of the lady 
who had put herself under my i)rotcction. 
They no sooner perceived me enter with Dr. 
Wagtail (for that was my companion's name) 
than they tittered and whispered one to 
another ; and I was not a littlo surprised ta 
find thaf; they were the gentlemen to whose 
acquaintance he designed to recommend me : 
for, when he observed them together, he told 
me who they were, and desired to know by 
what name he should introduce me. I satisfied 
hiin in that particular, and ho advanced with 



118 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



great gravity, saying, ' Gentlemen, yonr most 
obeilient servant : — give me leave to introduce 
my friend Mr. Kandom to yotir society.* 
Then, turning to me, ' Mr. Random, thi.s is 
Mr. Bragwell— Mr. Banter, sir— Mr. Chatter 
— my friend Mr. Slyboot, and Mr. Ranter, 
sir.' I saluted each of them in order, and 
•when I came to take Mr. Slyboot by the hand, 
I perceived him thrust his tongue in his 
cheek, to the no small entertainment of the 
company ; but I did not think proper to take 
any notice of it on this occasion. Mr. Ranter 
too (who I afterwards learned was a player) 
displayed his talents, by mimicking my air, 
features, and voice, while he returned my 
complimeut : this feat I should not have been 
80 sensible of, had I not seen him behave in 
the same manner to my friend Wagtail, when 
he made up to them at first. But for once I 
let him enjoy the fruits of his dexterity with- 
out question or control, resolved however to 
chastise his insolence at a more convenient 
opportunity. Mr. Slyboot, guessing I was a 
stranger, asked if I had been lately in Franco ? 
and when I answered in the affirmative, 
inijuired if I had seen the Luxembourg Gallery i" 
I told him I had considered it more than once 
with great attention : uuon this a conversa- 
tion ensued, in which I aiscovorcd him to be 
a painter. 

While wo were discoursing upon the parti- 
culars of this famous ])erformance, I over- 
heard Banter a.sk Dr. Wagtail, whore he hati 
picked up this Mr. Random. To which 
question the physician answered, ' Upon my 
word, a mighty i)rotty sort of a gentleman — 
a man of fortune, sir — he luis miule the grand 
tour, and seen the best company in f^uropo, 
sir.' ' What, he told you so, I suppose ?' said 
the other : ' I take him to be neither more nor 
less than a French valel-dc-chamhrc' ' O bar- 
barous, barbarous ! ' cried the doctor ; ' this is 
actually, upon my word, altogether unac- 
countable. I know all his family perfectly 
well, sir ; he is of the Randoms of the north 
— a very ancient house, sir, and a distant 
relation of mine.' I was extremely nettled at 
the conjecture of Mr. Banter, and began to 
entertain a very indifferent opinion of my 
company in general ; but, as I might po.ssibly 
by their moans acqxiire a more extensive and 
agreeable acquaintance, I determined to bear 
these little mortifications as long as I could, 
without injuring the dignity of my character. 
After having talked for some time on the 
weather, plays, politics, and other cotfee-house 
subjects, it was proposed that we should 
spend the evening at a noted taveni in the 
neighbourhood, whither we repaired in a 
body. 

Having taken possession of a room, called 
for French wine, and bespoke supper, the 
glass went about pretty freely, and the cha- 
racters of my associates opened upon me 
more and more. It soon appeared that the 
doctor was entertained as a butt for the 



painter and player to exorciije their wit upon, • 
for the diversion of the company. Mr. Ranter, 
began the game by asking him what was good ' 
for a hoarseness, lowness of spirits, and indi- 
gestion, for he was troubled with all these 
complaints to a very great degree. Wagtail 
immediately undertook to explain the nature 
of his case, and in a very prolix manner lia- 
rangued upon prognostics, dia^ostics, symp- 
tomatics, therapeutics, inanition, and reple- 
tion ; then calculated the force of the stomach 
and lungs in their respective operations ; 
ascribed the player's malady to a disorder in 
these organs, proceeding from hard drinkings 
and vociferations, and prescribed a course of 
stomachics, with abstinence from venerj', 
wine, loud speaking, laughing, singing, cough- 
ing, sneezing, or hallooing. ' Pah, pah I ' 
cried Ranter, interrupting him, ' the remedy 
is worse than the disease — I wish I knew 
where to find some tinder water.' ' Tinder 
water ! ' said the doctor ; ' upon my word, 1 
don't apprehend you, Mr. Rnnt<?r.' ' Water 
extracted from tinder,' rejilied the other; 'a 
universal specific for all di.-' incident 

toman. It was invented by :. 'Jerman 

monk, who, for a valuable consideration, im- 
parted the secret to Paracelsus.' ' Pardon me,' 
cried the painter, ' it was first used by Solomon, 
as appears by a Greek manuscript in his own 
handwriting, lately found at the foot of Mount 
Lebanon, by a peasant who was di^giufr for 
potatoes.' ' Well.' said Wagtail, ' in all my 
vast residing, I never met with such a prcjia- 
ration ! neither did I know till this minute, 
that Solomon understood Greek, or that 
potatoes grew in Palestine.' 

Here Banter interposed, saying, he was 
Burjiriscd that Dr. Wagtail should make the 
least doubt of Solomon's understundingGreok, 
when he is reprtsented to us as the wisest 
and best-educated prince in the world ; tmd 
as for potatoes, they were transplanted tliither 
from Ireland, in the time of the C'ru.sades by 
some knights of that country. ' I pn>l'o-s,' 
said the doctor, 'there is nothing more likely. 
I would actually give a vast sum for a sight 
of that manuscrii)t, which must be ine.eti- 
mal)le ; and, if I understood the jirocess, 
would set about it immediately.' The player 
assured him the process was very simple — 
that ho must cram a hundred-wcijrht of dry 
tinder into a glass retort, and, distilling it by 
the forco of animal heat, it would yield half 
a scruple of insipid water, one drop of which 
is a full dose. ' Upon my integrity I' exclaimed 
the incredulous doctor, ' this is very amazingand 
extraordinary! that a crt/m/ jnw^fMoi should 
j-ield anv water at all. I must, own I have 
always been an enemy to specifics, which I 
thought inconsistent with the nature of the 
animal economy ; but certainly the authority 
of Solomon is not to be questioned. I won- a 
der where I shall find a glass retort large ■ 
enough to contain such a vast quantity of 
tinder, the consumption of which must un- 



KCTDERICK RAXDOM. 



119 



' 'lonbtedly raise tho price of paper, or where 
.ill I find animal heat sufficient even to warm 
Mich a mass!-' Slyboots informed him, that 
he mi.rht have a retort blowTi for him as big 
as a church : and, that the easiest method of 
raisinij the vapour by animal heat, would be 
to place it in the middle of an infirmary for 
feverish patients, who might lie upon mat- 
tresses around and in contact with it. Ho 
had no sooner pronotinced these words, than 
Wafftail exclaimed in a rapture, ' An admi- 
rable cxi)cdient, as I hope to be saved ! I will 
positively put it in practice.' 

This simplicity of tho physician furnished 
excellent diversion for the company, who, in 
their turns, sneered at him in ironical com- 
pliments, which his vanity swallowed as the 
genuine sentiments of their hearts. Mr. 
Chatter, impatient of so long a silence, now 
broke out and entertained us with a catalopuo 
of all the people who danced at tho last 
Hamp.stcad assembly, with a most circum- 
stantial account of the dress and ornaments 
of each, from the lappets of the la<iie3 to the 
shoc-backles of tho men ; concluding with 
telling Bragwell, that his mi.stress Melinda 
was there, and seemed to miss him : and 
Boliciting his company at tho ne\t occasion 
of that kind. 

' No, d — mo,' said Bragwell, ' I have some- 
thing else to miiul than dangling after a 
Carcel of giddy-he;ulod girls; besides, you 
now my temper is so unruly, that I am apt 
to involve myself in scnipos when a woman 
is concerned. The last time I was there, I 
had an affair with Tom Trippit." 'Oh! I 
romeml)or that !' cried Banter ; ' you luggeil 
out before the latlies ; and I commend j-ou 
for so doing, because you had an opportunity 
of showing your manhood without nuining 
any risk." ' Ki.sk !' said the other with a fierce 
countenance, ' d — n my blood I I fear no risks. 
I an't afraid of lugging out against any man 
that wears a head, d — me ! 'Tis well known 
that I have drawn blood more than once, and 
lost some too ; but what does that aignifv ?' 
The player begged this champion to employ 
him as his second the next time he intended 
to kill, for he wanted to see a man die of a 
stab, that he might know how to act such a 
part the more naturally on tho stage. ' Die !' 
replied the hero : ' No, by G — ! I know bet- 
ter things than to incur tho venlict of a 
Middlesex jury — I should look upon my 
fencing- master to bo an ignorant son of a 
b — h, if he had not taught me to prick any 
part of my antagonist's body that I please to 
disable.' ' Oho !' cried Slyboot, ' if that bo 
the case, I have a favour to ask. You must 
know I am emplo.ved to paint a Jesus on the 
cross ; and my purpose is to represent him 
at that point of time when the spear is thrust 
into his side. Now I should lie glad if you 
would, in my presence, pink some imperti- 
nent feUow into convulsions, without en- 
dangerinj^ his life, that I may have an 
opportunity of taking a good clever agony 



from nature : the doctor will direct you whoro 
to enter, and how far to go ; but pray let it 
be as near the left side as possible.' Wagtail, 
who took this proposal seriously, observed, 
that it would be a verj* difficult matter to 
penetrate into the left side of tho thorax 
without hurting the heart, and of consequence 
killing the patient ; but ho believed it was 
possible for a man of a very nice hand and 
exact knowledge of anatomy, to wound the 
diaphragma somewhere about tho skirts, 
which might induce a singiJtus, without 
being attended with death : that he was 
ready to demonstrate the insertion of that 
muscle to Mr. Bragwell ; but desired to have 
no concern with the experiment, which might 
essentially prejudice his reputation, in case 
of a miscarriage. Bragwell was as much 
imposed upon by tho painter's waggery as 
the doctor, and declined engaging in the 
affair, saying he had a very great regard for 
Mr. Slyboot, but had laid it down as a maxim, 
never to fight except when his honour was 
engaged. A thousand jokes of this kind 
were uttered ; the wine circulated, supper 
was served in, we ate heartily, returned to 
the bottle, Bragwell became noisy and trouble- 
some. Banter grew more and more severe, 
Rnntor rehearsed, Slyboot made faces at the 
wholo company, I sang French catches, and 
Chatter kissed me with groat affection ; whilo 
the doctor, with a woful countenance, sat 
silent like a discii)le of Pythagoras. At 
length, it was proposed by Bragwell, that we 
should scour the hundreds, sweat the con- 
stable, maul tho watch, and then reel soberly 
to bed. 

Wliile wo deliberated upon this expedition, 
the waiter came into the room, and a.sked for 
Doctor Wagtail : when he understood ho 
was present, he told him there was a lady 
below to inquire for him, at which message 
tho physician started from his melancholy 
contemplation, and, with a look of extreme 
confusion, assured the company he could not 
possibly be tho person wanted, for ho had no 
connection with any lady whatever, and bado 
the drawer tell her so. ' For shame !' cried 
Banter ; ' would you bo so impolite as to re- 
fu.se a lady a hearing ? perhaps she comes for 
a consultation. It mu.st be some extraordinary 
affair that brings a lady to a tavern at this 
time o'night. Mr. Ranter, pray do the 
doctor's ba.se-mains to the Imly, and squire 
her hither.' The player immediately stag- 
gered out, and returned, le.iding in with 
much ceremony, a tall strapping wench, 
whoso appearance proclaimed her occupa- 
tion. We received her with tho utmost solem- 
nity, and with a good deal of entreaty she was 
persuaded to ait, when a profound silence en- 
sned, during which she fixed her eyes, with a 
disconsolate look, upon the doctor, who was 
utterly confounded at her behaviour, and 
returned her melancholy fourfold ; at length, 
after a good many piteous sighs, .she wiped 
her eyea, wX accosted him thus : ' What ! not 



120 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



one word of comfort ? Will nothing' soften 
that stony heart of thine ? Not all my tears ! 
not all my affliction ! not the inevitable ruin 
thou has brought upon me ! Where are thy 
vows, thou faithless, perjured man ? Hast 
thou no honour — no conscience — no remorse 
for thy perfidious conduct towards me ? 
Answer me, wilt thou at last do me justice, 
or must I have recourse to heaven or hell for 
my revenge ? ' If poor Wagtail was amazed 
before she spoke, what must his confusion be 
on hearing this address ! His natural pale- 
ness changed into a ghastly clay colour, his 
eyes rolled, his lip trembled, and he answered 
in an accent not to be described, ' Upon my 
word, honour, and salvation, madam, you are 
actually mistaken in my person. I have a 
most particular veneration for your sex, and 
am actually incapable of injuring any lady in 
the smallest degree, madam ; besides, madam, 
to the best of my recollection, I never had the 
honour of seeing you before, as I hope to be 
saved, madam ! ' ' How, traitor ! ' cried she, 
' dost thou disown me then ? Mistaken ! no, 
too well I know that fair bewitching face ! 
too well I know that false enchanting tongue ! 
Alas ! gentlemen, since the villain compels 
me by his unkindness, to expose myself and 
him, know that this betrayer, under the spe- 
cious pretence of honourable addresses, won 
my heart, and taking advantage of his con- 
quest, robbed me of my virgin treasure, and 
afterwards abandoned me to my fate ! I am 
now four months gone with child by him, 
turned out of doors by my relations, and left 
a prey to misery and want ! Yes, thou bar- 
barian,' said she, turning to Wagtail, ' thou 
tiger, thou succubus ! too well thou knowest 
my situation. But I will tear out thy faith- 
less heart, and deliver the world from such a 
monster.' So saying, she sprang forward at 
the doctor, who with incredible agility, jumped 
over the table, and ran behind BragweU, while 
the rest of us endeavoured to appease the 
furious heroine. Although everybody in the 
company affected the utmost surprise, I 
could easily perceive it was a scheme con- 
certed among them to produce diversion at 
the doctor's expense; and being under no 
concern about the consequence, I entered into 
the confederacy, and. enjoyed the distress of 
Wagtail, who with tears in his eyes begged 
the protection of the company, declaring him- 
self as innocent of the crime laid to his charge 
as the foetus in utero ; and hinting at the 
same time, that nature had not put it in his 
powerto be guilty of such atrespass. ' Nature !' 
cried the lady, 'there was no nature in the 
case ; he abused me by the help of charms and 
spells ; else how is it possible that any woman 
could have listened to the addresses of such a 
scarecrow ? Were these owlish eyes made 
for ogling; that carrion complexion to be 
admired ; or that mouth, like a horse-shoe, 
to be kissed? No, no, you owe your suc- 
cess to your philtres, to your drugs and 
incantations; and not to your natural talents, 



which are, in every respect, mean and con- 
temptible.' 

The doctor thought he had got an oppor- 
tunity of vindicating himself eflectually ; and 
desired the complainant to compose "herself 
but for half-an-hour, in which he undertook 
to prove the absurdity of believing in the 
power of incantations, which were only idle 
dreams of ignorance and superstition. He 
accordingly pronounced a very learned dis- 
course upon the nature of ideas, the power 
and independence of the mind, the properties 
of stimulating medicines, the difference be- 
tween a proneness to venery, which many 
simples would create, and a passion limited to 
one object, which can only be the result of 
sense and reflection ; and concluded with a 
pathetic remonstrance, setting forth his un- 
happiness in being persecuted with the resent- 
ment of a lady whom he had never injured, 
nor even seen before that occasion, and whose 
faculties were, in all likelihood, so much im- 
paired by her misfortunes that an innocent 
person was in danger of being ruined by her 
disorder. He had no sooner finished his 
harangue, than the forlorn princess renewed 
her lamentations, and cautioned the company 
against his eloquence, which, she said, was 
able to bias the most impartial bench in 
Christendom. Ranter advised him to espouse 
her immediately, as the only means to salve 
his reputation, and offered to accompany him 
to the Fleet for that purpose ; but Slyboot 
proposed that a father should be purchased 
for the child, and a comfortable alimony 
settled on the mother. Ranter promised to 
adopt the infant gratis. Wagtail was ready 
to worship him for his generosity; and, though 
he persisted in protesting his innocence, con- 
descended to everything rather than his un- 
blemished character should be called in ques- 
tion. The lady rejected the proposal, and 
insisted on matrimony. Bragwell took up the 
cudgels for the doctor, and undertook to rid 
him of her importunity for half-a-guinea ; upon 
which Wagtail, with great eagerness, pulled 
out his purse, and put it into the hand of his 
friend, who, taking half a piece out of it, gave 
it to the plaintiff, and bade her thank God for 
her good fortune. When she had received this 
bounty, she affected to weep, and begged, 
since the physician had renounced her, he 
would at least vouchsafe her a parting kiss ; 
this he was prevailed upon to grant with great 
reluctance, and went up with his usual 
solemnity to salute her, when she laid hold of 
his cheek with her teeth, and held fast, while 
he roared with anguish, to the unspeakable 
diversion of all present. When she thought 
proper to release him, she dropped a low 
courtesy to the company, and quitted the 
room, leaving the doctor in the utmost horror, 
not so much on account of the pain, as the 
apprehension of the consequence of the bite ; 
for, by this time, he was convinced of her 
being mad. Banter prescribed the actual cau- 
tery, and put the poker in the fire to be 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



121 



heated, in order to sear the place. The player 
was of opinion that Braf^well should scoop 
out the part affected with the point of his 
sword ; but the painter prevented both these 
dreadful operations, by recommending a bal- 
sam he had in his pocket, which never failed 
to cure the bite of a mad dog ; so saying, he 
pulled out a small bladder of black paint, 
with which he instantly anointed not only 
the sore, but the greatest part of the patient's 
face, and left it in a frightful condition. In 
short, the poor creatiire was so harassed with 
fear and vexation, that I pitied him extremely, 
and sent him home in a chair, contrary to the 
inclination of everybody present. 

This freedom of mine gave umbrage to 
Bragwell, who testified his displeasure by 
swearing a few threats, without making any 
application ; which, being perceived by Sly- 
boot, who sat by me, he, with a view of pro- 
, moting a quarrel, whispered to me, that he 
thought Bragwell used me very ill, but every 
man was the best judge of his own affairs. I 
answered aloud, that I would neither suffer 
Mr. Bragwell nor him to use me iU with 
, , impunity ; and that I stood in no need of his 
: counsel in regard to the regulation of my 
1 conduct. He thought proper to ask a thou- 
! sand pardons, and assure me he meant 
: no offence ; while Bragwell feigned himself 
I asleep, that he might not be obliged to take 
notice of what passed. But the player, who 
, had more animal spirits and less discretion 
than Slyboot, imwiUing to let the affair 
rest where he had dropped it, jogged Mr. 
Bragwell, and told him softly that I had called 
him names, and threatened to cudgel him. 
This particular I understood by his starting 
up and crying, ' Blood and wounds, you lie ! 
No man durst treat me so ignominiously. Mr. 
li Random, did you call me names, and threaten 
I to drub me ?' I denied the imputation, and 
i proposed te punish the scoundrel who endea- 
voured to foment disturbance in the company. 
Bragwell signified his approbation, and drew 
his sword ; I did the same, and accosted the 
actor in these words : ' Lookee, Mr. Ranter ; 
I know you possess all the mimicry and mis- 
chievous qualities of an ape, because I have 
observed you put them all in practice more 
than once to-night, on me and others ; now I 
want to see if you resemble one in nimbleness 
also ; therefore, I desire you leap over this 
' sword without hesitation.' So saying, I held 
it parallel to the horizon, at the distance of 
about three feet from the floor, and called, 
' Once — twice— thrice — and away !' but, in- 
stead of complying with my demand, he 
snatched his hat and hanger, and, assuming 
the looks, swagger, and phrase of Pistol, burst 
out into the following exclamation, ' Ha ! 
must I then perform inglorious prank of 
- sylvan ape in mountain forest caught ! Death 
rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days, and 
, lay my head in fury's lap — Have we not 
Hiren here ?' This buffoonery did not answer 
his expectation, for, by this time, the com- 



pany was bent on seeing him in a new cha- 
racter. Mr. Banter desired me to hold my 
sword a foot or two higher, that he might 
have the better opportunity of exerting him- 
self. The painter told him, if he performed 
well, he would recommend him as a vaulter 
to the proprietors of Sadler's Wells ; and 
Bragwell crying, 'Leap for the King !' applied 
the point of his sword to the player's poste- 
riors with such success, that he sprang over 
in a trice, and, finding the door rmguarded, 
vanished in a twinkling ; glad, no doubt, of 
having paid his share of the reckoning so 
easily. 

It being now near two o'clock in the morn- 
ing, we discharged the bill, and sallied out 
into the street. The painter slunk away 
without taking his leave. Billy Chatter, being 
unable to speak or stand, was sent to a bagnio ; 
and Banter and I accompanied Bragwell to 
Moll King's coffee-house, where after he had 
kicked half a dozen hungry whores, we left 
him asleep on a bench, and directed our course 
towards Charing-cross, near which place both 
he and I lodged. 

The natural dryness of my companion being 
overcome by Hquor, he honoured me by the 
way %vith many compliments and professions 
of friendship, for which I made suitable ac- 
knowledgments, and told him I thought myself 
happy in having, by my behaviour, removed 
the unfavourable opinion he entertained of 
me at first sight. He was surprised at this 
declaration, and begged me to explain myself; 
upon which I mentioned what I had over- 
heard him say of me to Wagtail in the coffee- 
house. He laughed, and made an apology for 
his freedom, assuring me, that my appearance 
had very much prepossessed him in my 
favour ; and what he said was only intended 
as a joke on the doctor's solemnity. I was 
highly pleased at being undeceived in this 
particular, and not a little proud of the good 
opinion of this wit, who shook me by the 
hand at parting, and promised to meet me the 
next day at the ordinary. 

CHAPTER XLVIT. 

Strap communicates to me a conquest he had 
made of a Chandler's Widow— finds himself 
miserahly mistaken — I go to the Opera — 
admire Melinda — am^ cautioned hy Banter 
— go to the Assembly at Hampstead — dance 
with that young la.dy — receive an insolent 
message from Bragwell, whose mettle is soon 
cooled — am, in favour with my Mistress, 
ivhom I visit next day, and am hxihhied out 
of eighteen guineas at cards — Strap tn- 
umphs at my success, hut is astonished at 
iny expense — Banter comes to m,y lodging, is 
very sarcastic at my expense, and borrows 
five guineas from me, as a proof of his 
friendship. 

IN the morning, before I got up, Strap came 
into my chamber, and, finding me awake, 
hemmed several times, scratched his head, 



\ 



122 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



cast his eyes upon the ground, and, with a 
very foolish kiad of simper upon his face, 
gave me to understand he had something 
to communicate. ' By your countenance,' 
said I, ' I expect to hear good tidings.' ' In- 
different,' replied he, tittering, ' that is, here- 
after as it shall be. You must know, I have 
some thoughts of altering my condition.' 
' What ! ' cried I, astonished, ' a matrimonial 
scheme ? O rare Strap ! thou hast got the 
heels of me at last.' ' N — no less, I assure 
you,' said he, bursting into a laugh of self- 
approbation : 'a tallow chandler's widow, 
that lives hard by, has taken a liking to me 
— a fine jolly dame, as plump as a partridge. 
She has a well-furnished house, a brisk trade, 
and a good deal of the ready. I may have 
her for the asking. She told a friend of mine, 
a brother footman, that she would take me 
out of a stinking clout. But I refused to give 
my final answer, till I knew your opinion 
of the matter.' I congratulated Monsieur 
d'Estrapes upon his conquest, and approved 
of the scheme, provided he could be assured 
of those circumstances of her fortune ; but 
advised him to do nothing rashly, and give 
me an opportunity of seeing the lady before 
matters should be brought to a conclusion. 
He assured me he would do nothing without 
my consent and approbation, and that very 
morning, while I was at breakfast, introduced 
his inamorata to my acquaintance. She was 
a short thick woman, about the age of thirty- 
six, and had a particular prominence of beUy, 
which I x^erceived at first sight, not without 
some suspicion of foul play. I desired her, 
however, to sit, and treated her with a dish 
of tea ; the discourse turning on the good 
qualities of Strap, whom I represented as a 
prodigy of sobriety, industry and virtue. 
When she took her leave, he followed her to 
the door, and returned licking his lips, and 
asking if I did not think she was a luscious 
creature. I made no mystery of my appre- 
hension, but declared my sentiments of her 
without reserve ; at which he was not sur- 
prised, telling me had observed the same 
symptom, but was informed by his friend 
that she was only livergrown, and would in 
a few months bo as small in the waist as ever. 
' Tes,' said I, ' a few weeks, I believe, will 
do the business. In. short, Strap, it is my 
opinion, that you are egregiously imposed 
upon ; and that this friend is no other than a 
rascal who wants to palm his trull upon you 
for a wife, that he may at once deliver himself 
from the importunities of the mother and the 
expense of her bantling ; for which reason 
I would not have you trust implicitly to the 
report he makes of her wealth, which is in- 
consistent with his behaviour ; nor run your 
head precipitately into a noose, that you may 
afterwards wish exchanged forthehangman's.' 
He seemed very much startled at my insiniia- 
tion, and promised to look twice before he 
leaped ; saying, with some heat, ' Odds, if I 
find his intention is to betray me, we shall 



see which of us is the better man.' My pre- 
diction was verified in less than a fortnight ; 
her great belly producing an -infant, to the 
unspeakable amazement of Strap, who was, 
before this happened, inclinable to believe I 
had refined a little too much in my penetra- 
tion. His false friend disappeared ; and in a 
few days after an execution was issued against 
her goods a.nd household furniture, which 
were seized by the creditors. 

MeanwhUe I met my friend Banter at the 
ordinary, and in the evening went to the 
Opera with him and Mr. Chatter, who pointed 
out Melinda in one of the boxes, and offered 
to introduce me to her, observing at the same 
time, that she was a reigning toast worth ten 
thousand pounds. This piece of information 
made my heart bound with joy, and I dis- 
covered great eagerness to accept the propo- 
sal; upon which he assured me I should 
dance with her at the next assembly, if ho 
had any influence in that quarter : so saying, 
he went round, spoke to her some minutes, 
and, as I imagined, pointed at me ; then 
returning, told me, to my inexpressible plea- 
sure, that I might depend upon what he had 
promised, for she was now engaged as my 
partner. Banter, in a whisper, gave me to 
imderstand that she was an incorrigible 
coquette, who would grant the same favour 
to any young fellow in England of a tolerable 
appearance, merely to engage him among the 
herd of her admirers, that she might have the 
pleasure of seeing them daily increase ; that 
she was of a cold insensible disposition, dead 
to every passion but vanity, and so blind to 
merit, that he would lay any wager the 
wealthiest fool would carry her at last. I 
attributed a good deal of this intelligence to 
the satirical turn of my friend, or resentment 
for having himself suffered a rebuff from 
the lady in question ; and, at any rate, trusted 
so much to my own accomplishments, as to 
believe no woman could resist the ardour of 
my addresses. 

Pull of this confidence I repaired to Hamp- 
stead, in company with Billy Chatter, my 
Lord Hobble, and Doctor Wagtail. There I 
saw a very brilliant assembly, before whom I 
had the honour to walk a minuet with Me- 
linda, who charmed me with her frank manner 
and easiness of behaviour. Before the coun- 
try dances began. I received a message by a 
person I did not know from Bragwell, who 
was present, importing that nobody who knew 
him presumed to dance with Melinda while 
he was there in person, and that I woiUd do 
well to relinquish her without noise, because 
he had a mind to lead vip a country dance 
with her. This extraordinary intimation, 
which was delivered in the lady's hearing, 
did not at all discompose me, who, by this 
time, was pretty well acquainted with the 
character of my rival. I therefore, without 
the least symptom of concern, bade the gen- 
tleman toll Mr. Bragwell, that, since I was 
so happy as to obtain the lady's consent, I 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



123 



should not be solicitous about his; and de- 
sired the bearer himself to bring me no such 
impertinent messages for the future. Melinda, 
affected a sort of confusion, and pretended to 
wonder that Mr. Bragwell should give himself 
such liberties with regard to her, who had no 
manner of connection with the fellow. I laid 
hold of this opportunity to display my valour, 
and offered to call him to an account for his 
insolence, a proposal which she absolutely re- 
fused, under pretence of consulting my safety; 
though I could perceive, by the sparkling of 
her eyes, that she would not have thought 
herself affronted by being the subject of a 
duel. I was by no means pleased with this 
discovery of her thoughts, which not only 
argued the most unjustifiable vanity, but like- 
wise the most barbarous indifference; how- 
ever, I was allured by her fortune, and resolved 
to gratify her pride, in making her the occa- 
sion of a public quarrel between me and Brag- 
well, who, I was pretty certain, would never 
drive matters to a dangerous extremity. 

While we danced together, I observed this 
formidable rival at one end of the room, en- 
circled with a cluster of beaux, to whom he 
talked with great vehemence, casting many 
big looks at me from time to time. I guessed 
the subject of his discourse, and as soon as I 
had handed my partner to her seat, strutted 
up to the place where ho stood, and, cocking 
my hat in his face, demanded aloud, if he had 
anything to say to me. He answered with a 
sullen tone, ' Nothing, at present, sir ;' and 
turned about upon his heel. ' Well,' said I, 
'you faiow where I am to be found at any 
time.' His cumpEinions stared at one another, 
and I returned to the lady, whose features 
brightened at my approach, and immediately 
a whisper ran through the whole room ; after 
which, so many eyes were turned upon me 
that I Avas ready to sink with confusion. 
When the ball broke up, I led her to her 
coach, and, like a true French gallant, would 
have got up behind it, in order to protect her 
from violence on the road, but she absolutely 
refused my offer, and expressed her concern 
that there was not an empty seat for me 
within the vehicle. 

Next day, in the afternoon, I waited on her 
at her lodgings, by permission, in company 
with Chatter, and was very civiUy received 
by her mother, with whom she lived. There 
were a good many fashionable people present, 
chiefly young fellows, and immediately after 
tea a couple of card tables were set, at one of 
which I had the honour to play with Melinda, 
who in less than three hours, made shift to 
plunder me of eight guineas. I was well 
enough content to lose a little money with a 
good grace, that I might have an opportunity 
in the meantime to say soft things, which are 
stiU most welcome when attended with good 
luck ; but I was by no means satisfied of her 
fair play, a circumstance that shocked me not 
a little, and greatly impaired my opinion of 
her disinterestedness and delicacy. However, 



I was resolved to profit by this behaviour, 
and treat her in my turn with less ceremony ; 
accordingly, I laid close siege to her, and, 
finding her not at aU disgusted with the gross 
incense I offered, that very night made a de- 
claration of love in plain terms. She received 
my addresses with great gaiety, and pretended 
to laugh them off, but at the same time treated 
me with such particular complacency that I 
was persuaded I had made a conquest of her 
heart, and concluded myself the happiest man 
alive. Elevated with these flattering ideas, I 
sat down again to cards after supper, and 
with great cheerfulness suffered myself to be 
cheated of ten guineas more. 

It was late before I took my leave, after be- 
ing favoured with a general invitation ; and, 
when I got into bed, the adventures of the 
day hindered me from sleeping. Sometimes 
I pleased myself with the hopes of possessing 
a fine woman with ten thousand pounds ; then 
I would ruminate on the character I had heard 
of her from Banter, and compare it with the 
circumstances of her conduct towards me, 
which seemed to bear too great a resemblance 
to the picture he had drawn. This intro- 
duced a melancholy reflection on the expense 
I had undergone, and the smaUness of my 
funds to support it, which, by-the-by, were 
none of my own. In short, I found myself 
involved in doubts and perplexities, that kept 
me awake the greatest part of the night. 

In the morning, Strap, with whom I had 
not conversed for two days, presented him- 
self with the utensils for shaving me ; upon 
which, I asked his opinion of the lady whom 
he had seen me conduct to her coach at Hamp- 
stead. ' Odds ! she's a delicious creature !' 
cried he, ' and, as I am informed, a great for- 
tune. I am sorry you did not insist on going 
home with her. I dare say, she would not 
have refused your company ; for she seems to 
be a good-humoured soul.' ' There's a time 
for all things,' said I. ' You must know, 
Strap, I was in company with her till one 
o'clock this morning.' I had no sooner pro- 
nounced these words than he began to caper 
about the room, and snap his fingers, crying 
in a transport, ' The day's our own ! — the 
day's our own !' I gave him to understand 
that his triumph was a little premature, and 
that I had more difficulties to surmount than 
he was aware of; then I recounted to him the 
intelligence I had received frem Banter. At 
which he changed colour, shook his head, and 
observed there was no faith in woman. I told 
him I was resolved to make a bold push not- 
withstanding, although I foresaw it would 
lead me into a great expense ; and bade him 
guess the sum I had lost last night at cards. 
He scratched his chin, and protested his ab- 
horrence of cards, the very name of which 
being mentioned, made him sweat with vexa- 
tion, as it recalled the money-dropper to his 
remembrance. ' But, however,' said he, ' you 
have to do with other guess people now. 
Why, I suppose, if you had a bad run lasi 



124 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



niglit, you would scarce come off for less than 
ten or twelve shillings.' I was mortified at 
this piece of simplicity, which I imagined, at 
that time, was all affected by way of repri- 
mand for my folly ; and asked with some heat, 
if he thought I had spent the evening in a 
cellar with chairmen and hunters ; giving 
him to know, at the same time, that my ex- 
pense had amounted to eighteen guineas. 

It would require the pencil of Hogarth to 
express the astonishment and concern of 
Strap, on hearing this piece of news ; the 
basin, in which he was preparing the lather 
for my chin, dropped out of his hands, and he 
remained some time immovable in that ludi- 
crous attitude, with his mouth open, and his 
eyes thrust forward considerably beyond their 
station; but, remembering my disposition, 
which was touchy and impatient of control, he 
smothered his chagrin, and attempted to re- 
collect himself, With this view he endea- 
voured to laugh, but, in spite of his teeth, 
broke out into a whimper, took up his wash- 
ball and pewter-pot, scrubbed my beard with 
the one, and discharged the other upon my 
face. I took no notice of this confusion, but, 
after he had fuUy recovered himself, put him 
in mind of his right, and assured him of my 
readiness to surrender his effects whenever 
he should think proper to demand them. He 
was nettled at my insinuation, which he 
thought proceeded from my distrust of his 
friendship ; and begged I would never talk to 
him in that strain again, unless I had a mind 
to break his heart. 

This good creature's unalterable friendship 
for me affected me with the most grateful 
sentiments, and acted as a spur to my resola- 
tion of acquiring a fortune, that I might have 
it in my power to manifest my generosity in 
my turn. For this purpose, I determined to 
bring matters to a speedy conclusion with 
Melinda ; well knowing that a few such nights 
as the last would effectually incapacitate me 
from prosecuting that or any other advanta- 
geous amour. 

While my meditation was busied in plan- 
ning out my future conduct, Mr. Banter fa- 
voured me with a visit, and after breakfast 
asked me how I had passed the preceding 
evening. I answered, I was very agreeably 
entertained at a private house. ' Yes,' said 
he, with a sarcastic smile, ' you deserve some- 
thing extraordinary for the price you paid.' 
I was surprised at this remark, and pretended 
ignorance of his meaning. ' Come, come, 
Random,' continued he, ' you need not make 
a mystery of it to me ; the whole town has 
it. I wish that foolish affair between you and 
Bragwell at Hampstead had been less public. 
It has set all the busybodies at work to find 
out your real character and situation ; and 
you cannot imagine what conjectures have 
already circulated at your expense. One sus- 
pects you to be a Jesuit in disguise ; another 
thinks you are an agent from the Pretender ; 
a third believes you to be an upstart game- 



ster, because nobody knows anything of your 
family or fortune ; a fourth is of opinion that i 
you are an Irish fortune-hunter.' This last 
hypothesis touched me so nearly that, to con- 
ceal my confusion, I was fain to interrupt his 
detail, and damn the world for an envious 
meddling community, that would not suffer a 
gentleman to live without molestation. He 
took no notice of this apostrophe, but went 
on. ' For my own part, I neither know nor 
desire to know who or what you are. This I 
am certain of, that few people make a mystery 
of their origin or situation, who can boast of 
anything advantageous in either; and my 
own opinion of the matter is, that you have 
raised yourself, by your industry, from 
nothing to the appearance you now maintain, 
and which you endeavour to support by some 
matrimonial scheme.' Here he fixed his eyes 
steadfastly upon me, and perceiving my face 
covered with blushes, told me, now he was 
confirmed in his opinion. ' Look ye, Random,' 
said he, ' I have divined your plan, and am 
confident it will never succeed. You are too 
honest and too ignorant of the town to prac- 
tise the necessary cheats of your profession, 
and detect the conspiracies that will be formed 
against you. Besides, you are downright 
bashful. What the devil ! set up for a fortune 
hunter before you have conquered the sense 
of shame ! Perhaps you are entitled by your 
merit, and I believe you are, to a richer and a 
better wife than Melinda ; but, take my word 
for it, she is not to be won at that rate ; — or, 
if you are so lucky as to carry her, between 
you and me, you may say, as Teague did, By 
my soul, I have gained a loss ! She would 
take care to spend her fortune in a twink- 
ling, and soon make you sick of her extrava- 
gaftice.' 

I was alarmed by his discourse, while I re- 
sented the freedom of it, and expressed my dis- 
gust by telling him he was mistaken in my 
intentions, and desiring he would give me 
leave to regulate my conduct according to the 
dictates of my own reason. He made an apo- 
logy for the liberty he had taken, and ascribed 
it to the warmth of his friendship for me ; as 
an uncommon instance of Avhich, he borrowed 
five guineas, assuring me, there were very few 
people in the Avorld whom he could so far fa- 
vour with his confidence. I gave him the 
money, and professed myself so well convinced 
of his sincerity, that he had no occasion to put 
it to such extraordinary proofs for the future. 
' I thought,' said he, ' to have asked five pieces 
more, but hearing you were bubbled of eight- 
een last night, I presumed you might bo out 
of cash, and resolved to model my demand 
accordingly.' I could not help admiring the 
cavalier behaviour of this spark, of w hom I 
desired to know his reason for saying I was 
bubbled. He then gave me to understand, 
that before he came to my lodgings, he had 
beat up Tom Tossle, who, having been pre- 
sent, informed him of the particulars, re- 
hearsed all the fine things I said to Melinda, 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



125 



with which he proposed to entertain the town, 
and among other circumstances assured him 
my mistress cheated with so little art, that 
nobody but a mere novice could be imposed 
upon. 

The thoughts of becoming a subject of rail- 
lery for coxcombs, and losing my money to 
boot, stung me to the quick ; but I made a 
virtue of my indignation, and swore that no 
man should with impunity either asperse the 
character of Melinda, or turn my behaviour 
into ridicule. He replied in a dry manner, 
that I would find it a Herculean task to chas- 
tise everybody who should laugh at my ex- 
pense ; and, as for the character of Melinda, 
he did not see how it could suffer by what was 
laid to her charge ; for that cheating at cards, 
far from being reckoned a blemish among peo- 
ple of fashion, was looked upon as an honoui-- 
able indication of superior genius and address. 
' But let us waive this subject,' said he, ' and 
go to the coffee-house, in order to make a 
party for dinner.' 



CHAPTER XLVIII. 

We repair to the coffee-house, where we over- 
hear a curious dispute between Wagtail and 
Medlar, which is referred to our decision — 
the Doctor gives an account of his experi- 
ment — Medlar is roasted by Banter at the 
ordinary — the old gentleman's advice to me. 

BEING as willing to drop the theme as he 
to propose it, I accompanied him thither, 
where we found Mr. Medlar and Dr. Wagtail 
disputing upon the word Custard, which the 
physician affirmed should be spelt with a G, 
observing that it was derived from the Latin 
verb gustare, ' to taste ; ' but Medlar pleaded 
custom in behalf of C, observing, that, by the 
Doctor's rule, we ought to change pudding 
into budding, because it is derived from the 
French word boudin ; and in that case Avhy 
not retain the original orthography and pro- 
nunciation of all the foreign words we have 
adopted, by which means our language would 
become a dissonant jargon without standard 
or propriety ? The controversy was referred 
to us; and Banter, notwithstanding his real 
opinion to the contrary, decided it in favour 
of Wagtail ; upon which the peevish annui- 
tant arose, and uttering the monosyllable 
pif'h ! with great emphasis, removed to ano- 
ther table. 

Wo then inquired of the doctor, what pro- 
gress he had made in the experiment of dis- 
tilling tinder-water; and he told us ho had 
been at all the glass-houses about town, but 
could find nobody who would undertake to 
blow a retort lai-ge enough to hold the third 
part of the quantity prescribed; but he in- 
tended to try the process on as much as woiald 
produce five drops, which would be sufficient 
to prove the specific, and then he would make 
it a parliamentary affair ; that he had already 
purchased a considerable weight of rags, in 



reducing which to tinder, he had met with a 
misfortune, which had obliged l^im to change 
his lodgings ; for he had gathered them in a 
heap on the floor, and set fire to them with a 
candle, on the supposition that the boards 
would sustain no damage, because it is the 
nature of flame to ascend ; but, by some very 
extraordinary accident, the wood was invaded, 
and began to blaze with great violence, which 
disordered him so much, that he had not the 
presence of mind enough to caU for assistance, 
and the whole house must have been con- 
sumed with him in the midst of it, had not 
the smoke that rolled out of the windows 
in clouds alarmed the neighbourhood, and 
brought people to his succour : that he had 
lost a pair of black velvet breeches and a tie- 
wig in the hurry, besides the expense of the 
rags, which were rendered useless by the 
water used to quench the flame, and the 
damageof the floor, which he was compelled 
to repair ; that his landlord, believing him 
distracted, had insisted on his quitting his 
apartment at a minute's warning, and he was 
put to incredible inconvenience ; but now he 
was settled in a very comfortable house, and 
had the use of a large paved yard for pre- 
paring his tinder ; so that he hoped in a very- 
short time to reap the fruits of his labour. 

After having congratulated the doctor on 
his prospect, and read the papers, we repaired 
to an auction of pictures, where we enter- 
tained ourselves an hour or two ; from thence 
we adjourned to the Mall, and, after two or 
three turns, went back to dinner. Banter as- 
suring us, thai; he intended to roast Medlar at 
the ordinary ; and, indeed, we were no sooner 
set than this cynic began to execute his pur- 
pose, by telling the old gentleman that he 
looked extremely well, considering the little 
sleep he had enjoyed last night. To this com- 
pliment Medlar made no reply, but by a stare, 
accompanied with a significant grin ; and Ban- 
ter went on thus ; ' I don't know whether 
most to admire the charity of your mind, or 
the vigour of your body. Upon my soul, Mr. 
Medlar, you do generous things with the best 
taste of any man I know ! You extend your 
compassion to real objects, and exact only 
such returns as they are capable of making. 
You must know, gentlemen,' said he, turning 
to the company, ' I had been up most part of 
the night with a friend who is ill of a fever, 
and, on my return j^ome this morning, 
chanced to pass by a gin shop still open, 
whence issued a confused sound of mirth and 
jollity : upon which, I popped in my head, 
and perceived Mr. Medlar dancing bare- 
headed in the midst of ten or twenty ragged 
bunters, who rejoiced at his expense. But 
indeed, Mr. Medlar, you ought not to sacrifice 
your constitution to your benevolence. Con- 
sider, you groAV old apace; and, therefore, 
have a reverend care of your health, which 
must certainly be very much impaired by 
these nocturnal expeditions.' The testy se- 
nior could no longer contain himself, but cried 



126 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



hastily, ' 'Tia well known that your tongue is 
no slander.' ' I think,' said the other, ' you 
might spare 1*iat observation, as you are very 
sensible, that my tongue has done you signal 
service on many occasions. You may re- 
member, that, when you made your addresses 
to the fat widow who kept a public-house at 
Islington, there was a report spread very 
much to the prejudice of your manhood, 
which coining to the ears of your mistress, 
you were discarded immediately: and I 
brought matters to a reconciliation, by assur- 
ing her you had three bastards at nurse in 
the country. How you ruined your own 
affair afterwards, it is neither my business 
nor inclination to relate.' 

This anecdote, which had no other founda- 
tion than in Banter's own invention, afforded 
a good deal of mirth to everybody present, 
and provoked Mr. Medlar beyond aU suffer- 
ance ; so that he started up in a mighty pas- 
sion, and, forgetting that his mouth was full, 
bespattered those who sat next to him, while_ 
he discharged his indignation in a voUey of 
oaths, and called Banter insignificant puppy, 
impertinent jackanapes, and a hundred such 
appellations ; telling the company he had in- 
vented these false and malicious aspersions, 
because he would not lend him money to 
squander away upon rooks and whores. ' A 
very likely story,' said Banter, ' that I should 
attempt to borrow money of a man who is 
ol)liged to practise a thousand shifts to make 
his weekly allowance hold out till Saturday 
night. Sometimes he sleeps four-and-twenty 
hours at a stretch, by which iroans he saves 
three meals, besides coffee-house expense. 
Sometimes he is fain to put up with bread 
and cheese and small beer for dinner; and 
sometimes he regales on twopennyworth of 
ox cheek in a cellar.' ' You are a lying mis- 
creant!' cried Medlar, in an ecstacy of rage; 
' I can always command money enough to 
pay your tailor's bill, which I am sure is no 
trifle ; and I have a good mind to give you a 
convincing proof of my circumstances, by 
prosecuting you for defamation, sirrah.' By 
this time the violence of his \vrath had de- 
prived him of his appetite, and he sat silent, 
unable to swallow one mouthful, while his 
tormentor enjoyed his mortification, and in- 
creased his chagrin, by advising him to lay 
in plentifully for his next day's fast. 

l)inncr being ended, we came down stairs 
to the coffee room, and Banter went away to 
keep an appointment, saying, he supposed he 
should see Wagtail and mo in the evcnmg at 
the Bedford Coffee-house. He was no sooner 
gone than the old gentleman took me aside, 
and said, he was sorry to see me so intimate 
with that fellow, who was one of the most 
graceless rakes about town, and had already 
wasted a good estate and constitution upon 
hai-lots : that he had been the ruin of many 
a young man, by introducing them into de- 
bauched company, and setting a lewd exam- 
ple of all manner of wickedness ; and that, 



unless I were on my guard, he would strip 
me in a short time both of my money and re- 
putation. I thanked him for his information, 
and promised to conduct myself accordingly, 
wishing, however, his caution had been a few 
hours more early, by which means I might have 
saved five guineas. Notwithstanding this in- 
telligence, I was inclinable to impute some 
part of the charge to Medlar's revenge for 
the liberties taken with him at dinner ; and 
therefore, as soon as I could disengage my- 
self, applied to "Wagtail for his opinion of the 
character in question, resolved to compare 
their accoimts, allowing for the prejudice of 
each, and to form my judgment upon 
both, without adhering strictly to either. 
The doctor assured me, that he was a very 
pretty gentleman of family and fortune; a 
scholar, a wit, a critic, and perfectly well ac- 
quainted with the town ; that his honour and 
courage were unquestionable, though some 
extravagances ho had been guilty of, and his 
talents for satire had procured him enemies, 
and made some people shy of his acquaintance. 
From these different sketches, I concluded 
that Banter was a young fellow of some parts, 
who had spent his fortune, but retained his 
appetites, and fallen out with the world, be- 
cause he could not enjoy it to his wish. 

I went to the Bedford Coffee-house in the 
evening, where I met my friends, fi'om tlicjun 
proceeded to the plaj% and afterwards carricl 
them home to my lodgings, where wo supped 
in gi'eat good humour. 



CHAPTER XLIX. 

I receive a Ch<illeuge — the Consequence of it — 
the Quarrel being made uj), am put ia 
An-cst by the Care and Affection of Strap — 
bxit immediately released upon explaining 
my Affair — tlie Behaviour of Mr. Oregon o <- ' 
his two Friends — I visit Melinda, whom / 
divert mth an account of the Dtiel—prop' 
Marriage — she refers the Matter to I 
Mother, ofvjliom I make a solemn dcma,! 
of her Daughter — the old Lady's behaviour — 
I am discarded — res&nt tlieir Disdain. 

WHEN I was ready to go abroad next day, 
Sti-ap brought me a letter. To Mr. 
Randojn, Esq., these; which, upon opening. T 
found contained a challenge conceived iu 
these very extraordinary terms : 

' Sir, — "VVliereas I am informed that you make 
love to Miss Melimla Goosetrap, this is to lot 
you know that she is under i)romiso of mar- 
riage to mo ; and that I am at this present 
waiting at the back of Montague House, with 
a pair of good pistols in my hand ; and if you 
will keep your appointment, I will make your 
tongue confess (after the breath is out of your 
body) that you do not deserve her so well as 
' Yours, &c. EouRK Oregax.' 

I guessed, from the style and superscription 
of this billet, that my rival was a true Milesian, 
and was not a little imeasy at the contents; 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



127 



especially that part, in which he asserted his 
right to my mistress by promise, a circum- 
stance I did not know how to reconcile to her 
good sense and penetration. However, this 
was no time for me to decline the defiance, 
because th« success of my addresses in a 
great measure depended upon my behaviour 
in that affair. I therefore immediately loaded 
my pistols, and betook myself in a hackney 
coach to the place appointed, where I found 
a tall raw-boned man, with a hard-featured 
countenance and black bushy beard, walking 
by himself, wrapped up in a shabby green 
coat, over which his own hair descended in 
leathern queue from his head, that was covered 
with a greasy hat trimmed with a tarnished 
poinfe iVEspagne. He had no sooner per- 
ceived me advancing than he pulled a pistol 
from his bosom, and, presenting it at 
me, snapped it without the least preamble. 
Alarmed at this rude salutation, I made a 
stand, and, before he could adjust his other 
piece, fired one of mine at him, without doing 
any damage. By this time ho was ready with 
his second, that flashed in the pan without 
going off ; upon which ho called, with a true 
Tipperary cadence, ' Fire away, honey ! ' and 
began to hammer his flint with great deli- 
beration. But I was resolved to make use of 
the advantage fortune had given me, and 
therefore stepped up without throwing away 
my fire, desiring him to ask his life, or pre- 
pare for another world ; but this stout Hi- 
bernian refused to conilescend,andcomi)lained 
bitterly of my having quitted my ground before 
ho could return my shot : saying I ought to 
go back to my .station, and let him have an 
equal chance with me. I endeavoured to per- 
Buaflo him that I had given him a douldo 
chance alreatly -. ami it was my business to 
prevent him from enjoying a third; but now, 
since I had an opportunity, I demanded a 
parley, and desired to know his condition and 
reason for calling me to the field, who, to the 
best of my remembrance, far from having 
done him any injury, had never before seen 
him. He told me that ho was a gentleman of 
fortune, who had spent all ho haS, and, hear- 
ing that Mclinda had got ten thousand pounds, 
he intended to make himself master of that 
sum by espousing her, and he was determined, 
in an honourable way, to cut the throats of 
all those who stood between him and his 
hopes. 

I then demanded to know the foundation 
of his hopes; and now that I had seen 
him, being more and more astonished at the 
circumstance of the promise, desired that ho 
would explain that mystery. He gave me to 
understand, that he trusted entirely to his 
birth and personal merit ; that he had fre- 
quently written to Melinda, setting forth his 
claim and pretensions, but she was never kind 
enough to send an answer, or even to admit 
him into her presence ; and that the promise 
he mentioned in his letter was made by his 
friend Mr. Gahagan, who assured him that no 



woman could resist a man of his appearance. 
I could not forbear laughing to excess at the 
simplicity of my rival, who did not seem to 
relish my mirth, but began to be very serious : 
upon which I endeavoured to appease him, 
by giving him my word and honour that, far 
from prejudicing his addresses to the lady, I 
would represent him to her in the most favour- 
able light I could with any regard to truth ; 
but he must not be surprised if she should 
remain blind to his deserts, for nothing was 
more capricious than a woman's mind, and 
the affection of that sex was seldom purchased 
with virtue alone. That my declaration might 
have the better eff"ect, I took notice of his 
deshabiUe, and, professing sorrow at seeing a 
gentleman reduced, slipped two guineas into 
his hand, at sight of which he threw away his 
pistols, and hugging me in his arms, cried, 
' Arrah, by Jasus, now, you are the best friend 
I have met with these seven long years ! ' 
Wlien I had suffered some minutes in his 
embrace, he quitted me, and picking up his 
rusty arms, wished the devil might burn him 
if ever he should give me any further trouble 
about womankind. 

The quarrel being thus amicably composed, 
I bogged leave to look at his pistols, which I 
found so crazy and so foul, that I believe it 
was happy for him neither of them was dis- 
charged, for one of them would certainly 
have split in the going off, and he would, in 
all probability, have lost his hand in the ex- 
plosion ; but what gave me a lively idea of 
the man's character was, to find, upon exami- 
nation, that one of them had been loaded 
without being primed, and the other primed 
without a charge. 

While wo walked home together, I ex- 
pressed a desire of knowing my new friend's 
history ; and he informed mo of his having 
served in the German army as a volunteer 
against the Turks ; that for his behaviour at 
the siege of Belgrade, he had been honoured 
with an ensign's commission, and afterwards 
promoted to the rank of lieutenant, in which 
station it was his misfortune to affront his 
captain, who challenged him to the field, and 
was killed in the duel , upon which he was 
obliged to retreat ; that he had been in Eng- 
land some years soliciting his friends for 
provision in the British army; but being 
hitherto unsuccessful, was desired by Mr. 
Gahagan to turn his thoughts to matrimony, 
and make his fortune by an advantageous 
match ; in consequence of which advice, he 
had made up to Melinda: and, having 
heard by means of an Irish footman in the 
family, that I was her chief favourite, had 
called me out in hopes of removing by my 
death the greatest obstruction to his desires ; 
but now he was convinced of my honour and 
generosity, he swore by the blessed Virgin, 
he would think of her no more, if there were 
not another woman in the world. As a 
further proof of his veracity, which I did 
not at all doubt, he opened an old iron snuff- 



128 



RODERICK RANDOM, 



box, and pulled out his commission in the 
Imperial army, and his captain's challenge, 
which he preserved as testimonials of his 
character. I was so well con^■inced of this 
poor man's honesty and courajje, that I de- 
termined to speak in his behalf to some of 
my acquaintance, who might recommend his 
case to the consideration of those who could 
provide for him ; and in the meantime to 
accommodate him with a few clothes, by 
which his appearance woidd be much mended, 
and himself enabled to renew his solicitations 
in person. 

As we walked along conversing socially 
together, we were met by a file of musketeers, 
and Strap at their head, who no sooner ap- 
proached than, with a frantic look, he cried, 
' Seize them ! In the name of God seize 
them !' We were accordingly surrounded, 
and I put in arrest by the corporal, who was 
commanding officer ; but Captain Oregan 
disengaged himself, and ran with such speed 
towards Tottenham Court Road that he was 
out of sight in a moment. When my arms 
were delivered up, and myself secured. Strap 
became a little more composed, and asked 
pardon for the liberty he had taken, which 
ho hoped I would excuse, as it proceeded from 
his affection. He then told me that, suspect- 
ing the letter (v/hich by the by was brought 
by the author himself) contained something 
extraordinary, he had peeped through the 
keyhole, and seen me load my pistols ; upon 
which he ran down to Whitehall, and applied 
to the officer on guard for a party to put me 
in arrest, but before he returned, I was gone 
in a coach ; that he had inquired which way 
I went, and, having heard that duels were 
commonly fought at the back of Montague 
House, he conducted the guard to this place, 
whore ho thanked God for having found me 
safe and sound. I gave him to understand 
that I forgave his officious concern for once, 
but cautioned him in pretty severe terms for 
making me the subject of idle conversation 
for the future ; then turning to the corporal, 
thanked him for his care, and gave him a 
crown to drink with his men, assuring him 
that the rencontre was over long before he 
came up, and everything compromised, as he 
might have observed by our behaviour ; as a 
farther jjroof of which, he would find upon 
examination that one of my pistols had been 
discharged : but this civil person, without 
giving himself or me any farther trouble, re- 
ceived the bounty with a thousand bows and 
acknowledgments, and, returning the pistols, 
released me immediately. 

He was not gone a hundred yards, when 
my friend Oregan came uj) in order to rescue 
me, with two tatterdemalions, whom he had 
engaged for that purpose about the purlieus 
of St. Giles's. One of them wafe armed with 
a musket that wanted a lock, and another 
with a rusty broadsword ; but their dress 
surpassed all description. When he umlor- 
stood I was already free, he made an apology 



for his abrupt departure, and introduced me 
to his two companions : First, to Counsellor 
Fitzclabber, who, he told me, was then em- 
ployed in compiling a history of the kings of 
Muuster, from Irish manuscripts ; and then 
to his friend Mr. Gahagan, who was a pro- 
found philosopher and politician, and had 
projected many excellent schemes for the 
good of his coimtry. But it seems these 
literati had been very ill rewarded for their 
ingenious labours ; for, between them both, 
there was but one shirt, and half a pair of 
breeches. I thanked them very kiuidly for 
their readiness to assist me, and, having 
offered my service in my turn, bade them 
good morrow, desiring Oregan to accompany 
me to my lodgings, where he was fitted with 
decent clothes from my wardrobe, so much 
to his satisfaction, that he swore eternal 
gratitude and friendship to me, and, at my 
request, recounted all the adventures of his 
life. 

In the afternoon, I waited on Melinda, 
who received me with great kindness and 
familiarity, and laughed excessively at my 
adventure with the Irishman, to whose wishes 
she was no stranger, having more than a 
dozen letters in her possession, which he 
had -written to her on the subject of love, and 
which, for my entertainment, she submitted 
to my perusal. Having made ourselves merry 
at the expense of this poor admirer, I seized 
the opportunity of her mother's going out of 
the room, and introduced my own passion, 
which I recommended to her with all the 
ardour and eloquence I was master of. I 
flattered, sighed, swore, entreated, and acted 
a thousand extravagancies, in hopes of making 
some impression on her heart ; but she heard 
everything I said without discovering the 
least emotion ; and other company came in 
before she would vouchsafe one serious reply. 
After tea, the cards were brought in accord- 
ing to custom, and it was my good fortune to 
have Melinda for my partner; by which means, 
instead of losing, I came off with five guineas 
clear gain. 

I soon became acquainted with a good many 
people of fashion, and spent my time in the 
modish diversions of the town, sucli as plays, 
operas, masquerades, drums, assemblies, and 
puppet-shows; chiefly in company with ]\lo- 
iinda, whom I cultivated with all tlie eagor- 
ness and address that my prospect could 
inspire, and my education afford. I spared 
neither my person nor my purse to gratify 
her vanity and pride ; my rivals were intimi- 
dated, and indeed outshone ; and, after all, I 
began to fear that the dear creature had not a 
heart to lose. 

At last, finding myself unable to support 
the expense of this amour much longer, I was 
determined to bring the matter to a crisis ; 
and one evening, while we were together by 
ourselves, complained of her indifference, de- 
scribed the tortures of suspense t« a love-sick 
mind, and pressed her to disclose her sen- 



nODERICK RANDOM. 



120 



timents of niatrimony and mo "with such 
earnestness, that she could not, Avith all her 
art, shift the subject, but was obliged to come 
to an oclaircissement. She told me, with a 
careless air, that she had no objection to my 
person, and if I could satisfy her mother in 
other particulars, I shouldnot find her averse to 
the match ; but she was resoh^ed to do nothing 
in such a momentous concern without the ad- 
\ice and consent of her parent. This was no 
very agreeable declaration to me, whose aim 
had been to win her inclination first, and then 
secure my conquest by a private marriage, to 
which I flattered myself she would express no 
reluctance. That I might not, however, desert 
my cause before it was desperate, I waited o«i 
her mother ; and, with great formality, de- 
manded the daughter in marriage. The good 
lady, Avho was a very notable woman, behaved 
with gieat state and civility ; thanked me for 
the honour I intended her family; and said, 
she did not doubt that I was in all respects 
qualified to make a woman happy ; but it 
concerned her as a parent anxious about the 
welfare of her child, to inquire into the parti- 
culars of my fortune, and know what settle- 
ment I proposed to make. To this intimation, 
which would have utterly disconcerted mo if 
I had not expected it, I replied, without hesi- 
tation that, though my fortune was very 
small, I was a gentleman by birth and educa- 
tion, would maintain her daugliter in the 
sphere of a gentlewoman, and settle her own 
dowry on her and her heirs lor over. This 
careful matron did not seem to relish my pro- 
posal, but observed, with a demure counte- 
nance, that there was no necessity for settling 
that upon her child which was her own 
already ; however, if I pleased, her lawyer 
shoidd confer with mine upon the matter ; 
and, in the meantime, she dcsirod I would 
favour her with a perusal of my rent-roll. 
Notwithstanding the vexation I was under, 1 
could scarce forbear laughing in her face at 
the mention of my rent-roll, whioli was indeed 
a severe piece of satire upon my pretensions. 
I frankly owned I had no landed estate ; and 
told her that I could not exactly specify the 
sum I was master of, until I had regulated my 
affairs, which were at present in some dis- 
order ; but that I would take an opportimity 
of satisfying her on that head very soon. 

It was not long before I took my leave, and 
returned to my lodgings in a very melancholy 
moorl, persuaded that I had nothing more to 
expect from that quarter. I was confirmed in 
this opinion next day, when I went back with 
a view of explaining myself more fully to the 
old gentlewoman ; and was told by the foot- 
man that his ladies were not at home, although 
I had seen Melinda through the blinds at a 
parlour window, as I went up to the door. 
Incensed at this affront, I quitted the door 
without saying one word, and as I repassed 
the parlour, bowed to Miss, who still remained 
in the same situation, securely screened, as 
she thought, from my view. 

F 



This disappointment gave mo more uneasi- 
ness on Strap's account than my own, for 
I was in no danger of dying for lovo of 
Melinda ; on the contrary, the remembranco 
of my charming Narcissa was a continual 
check upon my conscience during the whole 
course of my addresses ; and perhaps contri- 
buted to the bad success of my scheme, by 
controlling my raptures and condemning my 
design. 

There was a necessity for informing mj' 
companion of everything that happened to 
me and I performed this piece of duty in an 
affected passion, swcarmg I would bo hi.s 
pack-horse no longer, and desiring him to 
take the management of his affairs into his 
ovra hands. This finesse had the desired 
effect, for, instead of grumbling over my mis- 
carriage, Strap was frightened at the passion 
I feigned, and begged me, for the love of God, 
to be appeased ; observing that, although wo 
had suffered a great loss, it was not irrepa- 
rable ; and if I'ortune frowned to day, she 
might perhaps smile to-morrow. I i>rctendcd 
to acquiesce in his remarks, praise his equa- 
nimity, and promised to improve my mis- 
fortune. Ho, on the other hand, pretended 
to bo perfectly well satisfied with my con- 
duct, and conjured me to follow the dictates 
of mj' own reflection ; but, in spite of all his 
affectation, I could perceive his inward afllic- 
tion, and his visage sensibly increased in 
longitude from that day. 



CHAPTER L. 

I lovg to be revenged on Melinda — apply to 
Jinnter for his Assistance — lie contrives n, 
s'*/iome for that ^mrpofc — which is put in 
Execution unth great Success — / «ioAc an 
Attempt upon the Heart of Miss Gripenxll, 
but am disnjjpointed — grow melanchohj at 
Di;/ Disappointment, and have recourse to 
the Bottle — receive a Billet-doux — am ro,- 
visJied with the Contents — -find myself in- 
7-olved in an Intrigue, xvhich I imagined, 
would make my Fortune — am confounded at 
my mistake, ivhich banishes all Thoughts of 
Matrimony. 

IN the meantime, my attention was wholly 
engrossed in search of another mistress, 
and the desire of being revenged on Melinda, 
in both which schemes I was very much 
assisted by Billy Chatter, who was such a 
necessary creature among the ladies, that in 
all private dances ho engaged the men. To 
him therefore I applied, desiring he would 
introduce me to a partner of some figure, at 
the next private assembly, for the sake of a 
frolic, the intention of which I would after- 
wards communicate. Billy, who had heard 
something of a difference between Mehnda 
and me, immediately smoked part of my de- 
sign, and, thinking I only wanted to alarm 
her jealousy a little, promised to gratify my 
desire, by matching me with a partner worth 



130 



nODERlCK RANDOM. 



thirty thousand poumls, whom tho ladies of 
this end of tho town had lately taken under 
their inana<jemeut and protection. Ui>on 
further inquiry, I found this person's namo 
was Miss Eiddy Gripewell ; that her father, 
who had been a jjawnibroker, died intestate, 
by which means all his substance descended 
to his daughter, who was so little a favourite 
that, could the old man have prevailed with 
his own rapacious disposition to jiart with 
as much money as would have paid the ex- 

fense of a will, she would not have inherited 
he sixth part of his fortune; that during his 
life, far from bein{j educated in a way suitable 
to such great expectations, she was obliged 
to live like a servant wench, and do the most 
menial offices in tho family. But his funeral 
was no sooner performed, than she assumed 
tho fine lady, and found so many peojde of 
both sexes to flatter, caress, and instruct her, 
tliat, for want of discretion and experience, 
she was grown insufferably vain and arrogant, 
and pretended to no less than a duke or earl 
at least for her husband ; that she had tho 
misfortune to be neglected by tho EnglL«h 
<iuality, but a certain poor Scottish lord wai< 
then making interest to be introduced to her 
aciitiaiutance. In the mcautimo, she was 
fallen into the hands of a notable la<ly, who 
]i;ul alrejuly disposed of her to a lieutenant 
of foot, a ilistant relation of her ladyship's, 
liiough Miss JUS yet knew nothing of tho 
affair ; and lastly that, if I proposed to donco 
with her, I must give him leave to represent 
me as a knight, or foreign count at lea«t. I 
was ravished at this jiiece of i: " ion, 

and consented, for one night, to j o a 

French marquis, that I might tho caaier fulfil 
my revenge. 

Having made tho appointment with Chatter 
I went to JJantcr's lodgings, as I had by this 
iinio conceivod a great opinion of liis pene- 
tration and knowledge; and, after I had 
t iijoined secrecy, told him every circumstanco 
of my disgrace with Melinda.'and imparted 
the plan I had projected to mortify that 
l)roud coquette, desiring his advice in impro- 
ving, and assistance in executing tho scheme. 
Nothing could bo more agreeable to his mis- 
antliroj.icul temper than an accoimt of her 
behaviour and my resentment : ho applauded 
my resolution, and proposed that I should 
not only provide myself with a proper partner, 
but also procure such a one for Miss Goose- 
traji, as should infallibly entail upon her the 
ridicule of all her acquaintance, for this 
luir])osc he mentioned his bnrb-r. who he 
said, was an exceeding coxcoi ■• come 

from Paris, who.^o absurd ;. n and 

grimace, would easily pass upon her for the 
spriglitly politesse of a gentleman improved 
by travel. I hugged him for this hint; and 
he lussured me it would l>e no difficult matter 
to make him believe, that Melinda, having 
seen him by accident, was captivated by his 
appoaranco, and longed for his .io.iuaiiit.anee. 
lie actually engaged him on this pretence, 



and i>ainted his good fortune in such colours 
that the poor shaver was quite beside himself 
with joy. He was immediately fitted with a 
tawdry suit of clothes belonging to Banter, 
and by him recommended to Chatter as a 
very pretty fellow, just returned from his 
travels. Master Billy, who acted as a gentle- 
man usher to a great many of tho fair sex in 
and about town, undertook at once to bespeak 
Melinda in his behalf ; and everything 
happened according to my wish. 

At the time appointo'l I appeared dressed 
to tho best advantage ; and, in the character 
of a ilarquis, had the honour of opening tho 
ball witli the rich heiress, who attracted the 
eyes of the whole company by tho prodigious 
number of jewels witli which she was adorncl. 
Among others I perceived Melinda. who could 
no more conceal her cn^y than astonishment 
at my success ; her curiosity was still more 
flagrant and tormenting, for she had never 
seen Miss Gripewell before ; and Chatter, 
who alone could give her any satisfaction on 
that head, was engaged in conversation at 
the other end of tho room. I ob;^ci"\ ed her 
impatience, and exulted in her cliagrin ; and 
after my jnirtner was set, took the ojipor- 
tunity of jKissing by her to make a slight 
bow without stojiping. which c(»mpletcd my 
triumph and her indignation. She changi-Il 
colour, bridled up, assumed an air of disdain, 
and flirted her fan witli such a fury, that it 
went to pieces in a moment, to tho no small 
cn'> "ut of those who sat near and 

ob r. 

At k iigtU thf ■ ! l)arbcr took 

her out. :iiid :i .tli such ri<ii- 

culous :;uice that tho mirth of tho 

whole ' , ..V was oxcitol at his expense, 
amd his j)artner Wii8 so much ashamed tli:it, 
before the country dances began, she retired 
in groat confusiim, under pretence of being 
taken suddenly ill, and waa followo<l by her 
gallant, who no donht imaarined her indisi)o- 
sition was noth' and laid hold of 

the occasion ol ..er homo, to mm- 

fort her, with an ii.->unin<-e of his cut' 
a reciproc:U pjission. They were ii- 
gone than on inquisitive whisper of ' Who is 
he r' ran round tho room ; and Chatter could 
give them no other intelligence about him 
than that ho was a man of fortune just re- 
turned from his travels; I, who alone wa- 
ac^i . ' : witii his real qunlitv, affect cil 
ign ..ell knowinir that female curio-ily 

would not rest : with such a general 

acooimt. and ti .iisi-overy would jiro- 

ceed with a better grace from anybody than 
me. 

Meanwhile, I was tempted by tho richness 
of the prize to practise upon Miss Gripowoll's 
heart, out soon found it too well fortifici 
with pride and indifference to yield to any 
efforts in my own character, and I neither 
would nor could preserve the title I had 
borrowed longer than that ni;rht. 

As I expected, everything came to light 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



131 



next day. Tho barber, in pure eimplicity of 
heart, detected himself to Molinda, and dis- 
covered tho foujidntion of his hopes ; she 
sickened at tho affront, and was aslmnicd to 
shove her face in public for many weeks after 
this accident. Poor Chatter fouml it impos- 
fiblo to justify himself to her satisfaction ; 
was in utter disgrace with Miss Gripewell, 
lor having imposed mo upon her as a noble- 
man ; and suffered very much in his character 
and infltioiK'p amf)ng tho lajlics in general. 

Findini^ my finnncos (limiiii.-=hed more than 
one-half, and my project as little advanccil as 
on th<' first day of niy;i!-rival in towTi. I botran 
t'> despair of my melan- 

choly at tho pri'-, . . -' want. 

To dispel the horrors of this Hend I had re- 
course to tho bottle, and k'^"t ni.,r.> .•..innrniy 
than over. I became p;i ..'d 

to tho jilayhou.se, convert.-' i .. ,,ii in.- ,!■ lora 
behind the scones, grew acquainted with a 
body of templars, and in a short time <'om- 
monced a proffsarnl wit and critic. Indeed, 
I may say, v. • 'nity, that I was much 

hottf-r f;n;i!i' anv one <if niy com- 

] ■ '. of all 

i ! ■ 10 most 

i^fU'Tant and a-^-iniming. Hy means of these 
avocations I p.)t tho better of care, and 
loanied to •)<|i!irate my idea.s in stich a man- 
ner that, whciiorer 1 was attacked by a 
(gloomy rcHoctiuii, I could shove it a.side, and 
•rail in some a;,'roi'ablo reverie to my a.'isist- 
nnco. 'I'hi.-* wim not the c.oso witli Strap, 
who : •al 

tho ^ ,:.ld 

V aim to tho rv^emblaueo ui a mc^o 

While I thus posto<l. in a thoughtless man- 
ner, toward-* povei-ty, I ono day receive<l, by 
the penny \«>-<t, a letter written in a woman's 

hanti. containing a ' * • high-Hown 

comj)limoiit-«, warm -i of love, 

couohed in a ve: a .siyi •, an earnest 

desire of knowii: r or not mj* heart 

wius oii;,':i,'i'd, bv loiiviiig an answer at a 
certain place, directed to H. M., and the 



wh..l.' 



riliod ' Your 



* I.' I was 
traii-i'oit. 1 with joy on !• ^ ao contents 
of this billet-doux, which 1 admired as a 
masterpiece of tenderness and elegance, and 
was alrea<ly up to my ears in lovo with tho 
author, whom my imagination represented 
as a lady of fortune, iu tho bloom of youth 
and beauty. Klevated with this conjecture, 
I wont to work, and exhausted my invention 
in composing an answer suitable to the sub- 
limity of her -tylo and the ardour of her 
sentiments. I expresscii my admiration of 
her wit in tenns the most hyperbolical, and 
while I acknowloflgeil myself unworthy of 
her regard, declared myself enamoured of her 
understanding ; and in the most pathetic 
manner implored the honour of an interview. 
Having finished this performance, and com- 
municated it to Strap, who skipped about for 
joy, I dispatched him with it to tho place 



appointed, which was the honse of a milliner 
not far from Bond Street, and desired him to 
keep watch near the door for some time, that 
ho might discover the pei-son who should call 
for it. In less than an hour he returned with 
n joyful coimtonance, and told me that, soon 
after ho had delivered tho letter, a chairman 
was called, to whom it was given, with direc- 
tions to carry it to tho house of a rich gentle- 
man in thoncighbourhood, whither ho (Strap) 
followed him, and saw him put itintotho hands 
of a waiting- woman, who paid tho messenger, 
and shut tho door ; that, upon iiuiuiry tit an 
alehouse hard by, where he called for a pint 
of beer, he u 1 tho gentleman to whom 

the house bi- ii ad an only daughter, very 

hand.some, who would inherit his whole estate: 
and who certainly was tho autlior of tho billot 
I hiul received, I was of tho samn opinion, 
and, hugging myself m tho happy pros- 
pect, dressed immediately, and pa-ssoil in gre.at 
state tho house that containoil my unknown 
admirer. Nor was my vanity disappointed ; 
for I perceive<l a beautiful j'oung crcaturo 
standing at one of tho windows of tho dining- 
room, who, 1 imagined, observed me with 
more than common curiosity. Tluit 1 mighfc 
indulge her view, and at tho same time feast 
my o\ni, I affected to fctop, and gave orders 
to .Strap, in tho street, jist opposite to her 
station, by which means 1 had an opportunity 
of seeing her more distinctly, and of congratu- 
lating i: ' II having made a concpiest of 
BO muc! ion. In a few moments sho 

retired, auil 1 l<otook myself to tho ordinary 
in a njpturo of hope, which deprived mo of 
my for that meal, and sent me homo 

in 1 ;iig to indulge my contemplation. 

Karly next day, I was favoured with an- 
other epistle fi-om my unknown charmer, 
signifying her unutterable joy at tho receipt 
of mine, which, while it made a tender of my 
heart, convinced her of the value of it. Above 
all things, she professed her extreme jiloiLsuro 
in finding me so much attached to hor under- 
standing, a circumstance tliat not only flat- 
tered her in tho most sonsiblo part, !«utat tho 
same time argued my own sagsicity. As for 
the interview I flesirod, sho iissur«<l me, that 
I could not 1)6 more eager for such an occasion 
than she ; but sho must not only sacrifico a 
little more to decorum, but bo satisfied of my 
honourable intentions, before sho could grant 
that request. Meanwhile she gave mo to 
rmderstanrl that, although sho might owe 
some deference to the opinion of certain 
])0rsons, she was resolved, in an affair that 
BO nearly concerned her happiness, to consult 
her own inclination, prcforalile to the advice 
of the whole world ; especially as she wa.<» 
urged to such condescension by no considera- 
tion of fortune, what fhe depended upon 
being her own without restriction or control. 
Struck with admiration at the philosophy 
and self-denial of my mistres.s, wha seemed 
insensible of the beauty sl.e possessed ; and 
in particular ravisho I with that piece of inteU 



132 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



ligence, by which I learned her fortune was 
independent ; I resumed the pen, launched 
out into encomiums on the dignity of her 
sentiments, affected to undcrvahie the charms 
of external beauty, pretended to ground my 
passion on the qualities of her mind, com- 
plained of her rigour in sacrificing my repose 
to an overscrupulous regard to decorum, 
and declared the purity of my designs in 
the most solemn and pathetic vows. This 
performance being sealed and directed, was 
sent to the place appointed by Strap, who, that 
wo mis^ht be still the more confirmed in our 
belief, renewed his watch, and in a little time 
brought back the same information as before, 
with this addition, that Miss Sparkle (the 
name of my correspondent), looking out at 
the window, no sooner saw the messenger 
arrive, than she shut the casement in a sort 
of beautiful confusion, and disappeared, eager 
no doubt to hear from the dear object of her 
love. 

My doubts now vanished, the long-expected 
port appeared, and I looked upon my.'^elf as 
perfectly secure of that happiness I had been 
in quest of so long. After dinner, I sauntered 
in company witli Dr. Wagtail, to that part of 
the town in which my inamorata lived ; and, 
as ho was a mere register, inquired of him 
into the name, character, and fortune of 
everybody who jiossessed a good house in the 
streets through which we pas.sed. \Mien it 
came to his turn to mention Sir John Sjiurkle, 
lie represented him us a man of an inimen.se 
estate and narrow disposition, who mewed 
up his only cliild, a tine young lady, from tlic 
conversation of mankind, under the strict 
watch and inspection of an old governante, 
who was either so honest, envious, or insa- 
tiable, that noViody luid been as yet able to 
make her a friend, or get access to her charge, 
though numbers attemi)tcd it every day ; not 
so much on account of lier expectations from 
her fatlicr. who, being a widower, might 
marry again and have sons, as for a fi>rtune 
of twelve thousand jionnds left her by an 
uncle, of which she could not be deprived, 
This piece of news, exactly tallying with the 
last part of the letter I had been honoured 
with in the morning, had such an effect on 
me, that any man except Wagtail might have 
observed my emotion ; but his attention was 
too much engrossed by the contomplation of 
his own importance to suffer him to be affected 
with the deportment of any otlier body, unless 
it happened to be so particular that ho could 
not help taking notice of it. 

'\\lien I had disengaged myself from him, 
whose conver.sation grew insipid to me, I 
went home, and made Strap acquainted with 
tlie fruit of my researches. This faithful 
squire was almost choked with transport, 
and even wept with joy ; but whether on 
account of himself or mc, I shall not pretend 
to determine. A'ext day a third billet-doux 
Avas brought to me, containing many expres- 
sions of teuderaes8, mingled with some affect- 



ing doubts about the artifice of man, the 
inconstancy of youth, and the jealousy often 
attending the most sincere passion ; witlial 
desiring I would excuse her, if she should try 
me a little longer, before she declared herself 
beyond the power of retracting. These inte- 
resting scruples added fuel to my flame and 
impatience to my hope ; I redoubled my com- 
plaints of her indifference, and pressedher to 
an assignation with such fervent entreaties, 
that in a few days she consented to meet me 
at the house of that milliner who had for- 
warded all my letters. During the interval 
between the date of her promise and the hour 
of appointment, my jiride soared beyond all 
reason and description ; I lost all remembrauco 
of the gentle Narcissa, and my thoughts wei*o 
wholly employed in planning triumphs over 
the malice and contempt of the world. 

At length the happy hour arrived. I flew to 
the place of rendezvous, and was conducteil 
into an apartment, where I had not waited 
ten minutes, when I heard the rustling of 
silk, and the sound of feet ascending the 
stairs ; my lieart took the alarm, and beat 
quick ; mj- cheeks glowed, my nerves thi-illed, 
and my knees shook with ecstacy ! I per- 
ceived the door opening, saw a gold brocade 
petticoat advance, and sprang forward to em- 
brace my charmer. Heaven and earth ! how 
shall I paint my situation, when I found 
Miss Sparkle converted into a wrinkled hag 
turned of seventj- ! I waa struck dumb with 
amazement, and petrified with horror ! Tliis 
ancient Urganda perceived my disorder, and, 
approaching with a languishing air, seized 
my hand, asking in a squeaking tone, if I was 
indispose<l. Her monstx'cns affectation com- 
plete*! the disgust I had conceived for her at 
her first apiioarance, and it was a long time 
before I could command my.self so much as 
to behave witli common civility : at length, 
however, I recollected myself, and j)ronounced 
an ajiology for my behaviour, which I saiil 
l)roceede<l from a dizziness that seized mo all 
of a sudden. My lioary Dulcinea, who, no 
doubt, had been alarmed at my confusion, no 
sooner learned tlio cause to which I now 
Jiscribed it, than she discovered her joy in a 
thousand amorous coquetries, and assumed 
the sprightly airs of a girl of sixteen. One 
while she ogled me with her dim eyes, 
quenched in rheum ; tlien, as if she was 
ashamed of that freedom, she affected to look 
down, blush, and play with her fan ; then 
to.ss her hcarl that I might not perceive a 
palsy that shook it, ask some childish ques- 
tions with a lisping accent, giggle and grin 
with her mouth shut to conceal the ravages 
of time upon her teeth, leer upon me again, 
sigh piteously, fling herself about in her 
chair to show her agility, and act a great 
many more absurdities that youth and beauty 
can alone excuse. Shocked as I w;i3 at my 
disappointment, ray disposition was incapa- 
ble of affronting any person who loved me ; 
I therefore endeavoured to put a good face 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



133 



on the matter for the prosont, resolved to 
drop the whole aflfair as soon as I should 
got clear of her company ; with this view, I 
uttered some civil things, and in particular 
desired to know the name and condition of 
the lady who had honoured me so much. She 
told mo her name was Withers, that she lived 
with Sir John Sparkle in quality of governess 
to his only daughter, in which situation she 
ha<l picked up a comfortable sufficiency to 
make her easy for life ; that she had the plea- 
sure of seeing me at church, where my ap- 
pearance and deportment made such an im- 
pression upon her heart, that she could enjoy 
no ease until she had inquired into my cha- 
racter, which slie found so amiable in all re- 
spects, that she yielded to the violence of her 
inclination, and ventured to declare her pas- 
sion witli too little regard perhaps to the 
decorum of her sex ; but she hoped I would 
forgive a trespass of which I myself was in 
some measure the cause, and impute her in- 
trusion to the irresistible dictates of love. 
No decayed rake ever swallowed a bolus with 
more reluctance than I felt in making a reply 
suitable to this compliment, when, instead of 
the jewel, I found the crazy casket only in 
my i)ower ; and yet my hopes began to revive 
a little, when I considered, tliat, by carrying 
on the appearance of an intrigue with" the 
duenna, I might possibly obtain access to her 
charge. Encouraged by this suggestion, my 
temper grew more serene, ray reserve wore 
off, I talked en cavalier, and even made love 
to this antiquated coquette, who .leemed ex- 
tremely hapjjy in her adorer, and spreail all 
her allurements to make her imagined con- 
quest more secure. Tlie good woman of the 
house treated us with tea and swoetmeata, 
and afterwards withdrew, like a civil oxperi- 
enced matron as she was. 

L<>ft thus to our mutual endearments. Miss 
Withers (for she was still a maiden) began to 
tjvlk of matrimony, and expressed so much 
impatience in all her behaviour that, had she 
been fifty years younger, I might possibly 
have gratified her longing without having re- 
course to the church ; but this step my virtue 
as well as interest forbade. When the incli- 
nations of an old maid settle upon a young 
fellow, he is persecuted with her addresses ; 
but, should ho once grant her the favour, he 
will never bo able to disentangle himself 
from her importimities and reproaches. It 
was my business to defer the ceremony as 
long as possible, under the most specious 
pretences, with a view of becoming acquainted 
with Miss Sparkle in the meantime; and I 
did not despair of success, when I considered, 
that, in tho course of our correspondence, I 
should in all probability be invited to visit 
my mistress in her own apartment, and by 
these means have an opportunity of con- 
versing with her charming ward. Pleased 
with this prospect, my heart dilated with 
joy; I talked in raptures to the state go- 
vernante, and kissed her shrivelled hand 



with great devotion. She was so much trans- 
ported with her good fortune, that she 
could not contain her ecstacy, but flow upon 
me like a tigress, and pressed hor skinny 
lips to mine ; when (as it was^o doubt con- 
certed by her evil genius) a dose of garlic she 
had swallowed that morning, to dispel wind, 
I suppose, began to operate with such a 
sudden explosion, that human nature, circum- 
st.anced as I was, could not endure the shock 
with any degree of temper. I lost all pa- 
tience and reflection, flung away from her 
in an instant, snatched my hat and cano, 
and ran downstairs as if tho devil had me in 
pursuit, and coiild scarce! j' retain tho convul- 
sion of my bowels, which were grievously of- 
fended by tho perfume that assaulted me. 
Strap, who waited my return with impatience, 
seeing me arrive in the utmost disorder, stood 
motionless with apprehension, and durst not 
inquire into the cause. 

After I had washed my mouth, more than 
once, and recruited mv spirits with a glass of 
wine, I recounted to him every jiarticular of 
what had happened ; to which ho miulo no 
other reply for some time than lifting uji his 
eyes, claspinjr his hands, and uttering a hollow 
groan. At length ho observed, in a melan- 
choly tone, that it was a thousand pities my 
organs were so delicate as to be offended with 
the smell of garlic. ' Ah ! God help us,' s.aid 
he, ' 'tis not the steams of garlic, no, nor of 
something else, that would give me tho least 
uneasiness — see what it is to bo a coblor'a 
son ! ' I replied hastily, ' I wish then you 
would go and retrieve my miscarriage.' At 
this suggestion he started, forced a smile, 
and left the room, shaking his head. Whether 
tho old gentlewoman resented my al)rui)t de- 
l)arture so much that her love changed into 
disdain, or was ashan\od to see mo on account 
of her infirmity, I know not ; but I was never 
troubled again with her passion. 



CHAPTER LI. 

I cuUivate an Acquaintance tvilh two Noble- 
men— am introduced to Earl Strut well— his 
kind Promise and Invitation — the beha- 
viour of his Porter and Lacquey — he re- 
ceives me irith an Appearance of uncommon 
Affection — Undertakes to sjieakin my BchalJ 
to the Minister — informs me of his Success, 
and wishes me Joy — introduces a Conver- 
sntion about Petronis Arbiter— falls in Love 
irith my Watch, v:hich I jiress upon him — I 
make a present of a Diamond Ring to Lord 
Straddle — impart my good Fortune to Strap 
and Banter, who disabuses me, to my fitter 
Mortification. 

BAFFLED hitherto in my matrimonial 
schemes, I began to question my talents 
for tho science of fortune-hunting, and to 
bend my thoughts towards some employment 
under the government. With the view of 
procuring whichj I cultivated the acquaint- 



13't 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



ance of Lords Stracldlo and Swillpot, whose 
fathers were men of interest at court. I 
found these young noblemen as open to my 
ailvanccs as I could desire ; I accompanied 
them in their midnight rambles, and often 
dined with them at taverns, where 1 had the 
honour of paying the reckoning. 

I one day took the opportunity, while I was 
loaded with protestations of friendship, to 
disclose my desire of being f=ettled in some 
sinecure, and to solicit their influence in my 
behalf. Swillpot, squeezing my hand, said, I 
might depend upon his service by G — . Tho 
other swore that no man would be more 
proud than ho to run my errands. Encou- 
raged by these declarations, I ventured to 
express an inclination to be introduced to 
their fathers, who wore able to do my business 
at once. Swillpot frankly owned he had not 
spoken to his father these throe years ; and 
Straddle assured mo, his father, having lately 
disobliged the minister by subscribing his 
name to a protest in the house of peers, was 
thereby rendered incapable of serving his 
friends at present ; but ho undfertook to mako 
me acquainted with Earl Strutwell, who was 
hand and glove with a certain person who 
ruled the roast. This offer I embraced with 
many acknowledgments, and plied him so 
closely, in spite of a thousand evasions, that 
he found himself under a necosisity of keeping 
his word, and actually carried me to tho leveo 
of this great man, where ho left me in a 
crowd of follow-dopcndonts, and was ushered 
to a particular clo.sct audience ; from whence, 
in a few minutes, he returned with his lord- 
ship, who took mo by tho hand, assured mo 
he would do me all the service ho could, and 
desired to see me often. I was charmed with 
my reception, and, although I hod heard that 
a courtier's promise is not to be depended 
upon, I thought I discovered so much sweet- 
ness of temper and candour in this earl's 
countenance, that I did not doubt of finding 
my account in his protection. I resolved 
therefore to profit by this permission, and 
waited on him next audience day, when I was 
favoured with a particular smile, squeeze of 
the hand, and a whisper, signifying that lie 
wanted half-un-hour's conversation with n!0 
in private, when he should bo disengageil, 
and for that purpose desired me to come and 
drink a dish of chocolate with him to-morrow 
morning. 

This invitation, which did not alittle flatter 
my vanity and expectation, I took care to ob- 
serve, and Avent to his lordship's house at the 
time appointed. Having rapped at the gate, 
the porter unbolted and kept it half open, 
placing himself in the gap, like soldiers 
in the breach, to dispute my passage. I 
asked if his lord was stirring? Ho answered 
with a surly aspect, 'No.' 'At what hour 
does he commonly rise ? ' said I. ' Some- 
times sooner, sometimes later,' said he, closing 
the door upon me by degrees. I then told 
him, I was come by his lordship's own ap- 



pointment, to which intimation this Cerberus 
replied, ' I havo received no orders about the 
matter,' and was upon tho point of .shutting 
me out, when I recollected myself all of a 
sudden, and slipping a crown into his hand, 
begged as a favour that he would inquire, and 
let mo know whether or not the carl was up. 
The grim janitor relented at tho touch of my 
money, which he took with all theindiifercnco 
of a tax-gatherer, and showed me into a par- 
lour, where, he said, I might amuse myself 
till such time as his lord should be awake. 
I had not sat ten minutes in this jdace, when 
a footman entered, and, without speaking, 
started at mo ; I interpreted this piece of his 
behaviour into, ' Pray, sir, what is your busi- 
ness F ' and asked tho same question I had put 
to the porter, when I accosted him first. The 
lacquey made the same reply, and disappeared 
before I could get any further intelligence. 
In a little time he returned, on i)retonco of 
poking the fire, and looked at me again with 
great earnestness ; upon which I began to 
perceive his meaning, and, tipping him with 
half-a-orown, desired ho would be so pood aa 
to fall npon some method of letting the earl 
know that I was in the house. Ho made a 
low bow, said, ' Yes, sir,' and vanished. This 
boimty was not thrown away, for in an instant 
he came back, and conducted me to a chamber, 
whore I was received with great kindness 
and famili.arity by his lordship, whom 1 found 
just risen, in his morning-gown and nlijjpers. 
After breakfa-st, ho enteretl into a particidar 
conversation with me about my travels, the 
remarks I had made abroad, and examined mo 
to the full extent of my understanding. Sly 
answers Eoemed to please him very much, he 
frequently squeezed my hand, and, looking at 
me with a singular complacency in his coun- 
tenance, bade me depend upon his good offices 
with the ministry in my behalf. ' '^oung men 
of your qualifications,' said he, ' ought to bo 
cherished by every administration. For my 
ovm part, I see so little merit in the world, 
that I have laid it down as a maxim, to en- 
courage tho least appearance of genius and 
virtue to the utmost of my power : you havo 
a great deal of both ; and will not fail of 
making a figure one day, if I am not mistaken ; 
but you must lay your account with mount- 
ing by gradual stops to the summit of jour 
fortune. Rome iras not built in a thiy. As 
j'ou understand the languages perfectly well, 
how would you like to cross the sea as se- 
cretary to an embassy .- ' I assured his lord- 
ship, ■with great eagerness, that nothing could 
be more agreeable to my inclination ; upon 
which he bade me mako mj'solf easy, my busi- 
ness was done, for he ha^l a place of that kind 
in his view. This piece of generosity affected 
me so much, that I was unable for some time 
to express my gratitude, which at length broke 
out in acknowledgments of my own unwor- 
thiness, and encomiums on his benevolence. 
I could not even help shedding tears at tho 
goodness of this noble lord, who no sooner 



nODERICK RANDOM. 



136 



porccivod them than, ho caught me in his 
arms, and hu{,'ged and kissed me with a seem- 
ingly paternal affection. Confounded at this 
uncommon instance of fondness for a stranger, 
I remained a few moments silent and ashamed ; 
then rose and took my leave, after he liad as- 
sured me that he would speak to the minister 
in my favour that very day ; and desired that 
I would not for the future give myself the 
trouble of attending at hia levee, but. come 
at the same hour every day, when he should 
be at leisure, that is, three times a week. 

Though my hopes were now very sanguine, 
I determined to conceal my prospect from 
everybody, even from Strap, until I should be 
nioro certain of success : and in the meantime 
give my patron no respite from my solici- 
tations. Wien I renewed my visit, I found 
the street-door opened to me as if bj' enchant- 
ment ; but in my passage towards the pre- 
sence-room, I was met by the valot-de-f hiunbre, 
who cast .some furiou'j looks at mo, the mean- 
ing of which I could not comprehend. The 
curl saluted mo at entrance witn a tender em- 
brace, and wished mo joy of his success with 
the Premier, who, ho said, had prefenml his 
recommendation to that of two other noble- 
men very urgent in behalf of thoir respective 
friends, and absolutely promised that I should 
go to a certain foreign court in quality of 80- 
crotary to an ambassador and plenipotentiary, 
who was to set out in a few wcek.s on an affair 
of viust imixntanco to the nation. I wa,"} 
thunderstruck with my good fortune, an<l 
could make no other reply than kneel and 
attempt to kiss my Ijcnefactor's hand, which 
submission he would not jiormit ; but, raising 
mo up, pressed mo to his breast with surjiris- 
ing emotion, and told mo ho had now taken 
upon himself the care of making my fortune. 
AV'liaK^iiIianced the value of the benefit still 
the more, was his making light of the favour, 
and shiftijig tho cunversutiou to another sub- 
ject. 

Among other topics of discourse, that of 
tho Jivllcs Lcttrrs w;u5 introduced, upon which 
Ilia lordship held forth with great taste and 
erudition, and discovered an intimate know- 
ledge of the authors of anti(iuity. 'Here's a 
book,' said he, taking one from his bosom, 
' written with prreat elegance and spirit; and, 
thougli the subject may give offence to some 
narrow-minded people, tho autlior will always 
be held in esteem by every person of wit and 
learning.' So saying, ho put into my hand 
Pctronius Arbiter, and luskcd my opinion of 
his wit and manner. I told him, that, in my 
opinion, ho wrote with great case and vivacity, 
but was with.al so lewd and indecent that ho 
ought to find no quarter or protection among 
IKJoplo of morals and tjisto. ' I own,' replied 
tho earl, ' that his taste in love is geuei-ally 
decried, and indeed condemned by our laws ; 
but perhaps that may be more owing to pre- 
judice and misapprehension than to true rea- 
son and deliberation. Tho best man among _ 



tho ancients is said to have entertained that 
passion ; one of the wisest of their legislators 
has permitted tho indulgence of it in his com- 
monwealth ; the most celebrated poets have 
not scrupled to avow it. At this day it pro- 
vails not only over all tho Eiist, but in most 
parts of Europe ; in our own country, it gains 
ground apace, and in all probability Avill bo- 
come in a short time a more fashionable vice 
than simple fornication. Indeed, there is 
something to be said in \nndication of it ; for, 
notwithstanding the severity of tlio law 
against offenders in this way, it must be con- 
fessed that the practice of this passion is un- 
attended with that curse and burthen upon 
society which proceeds from a race of miser- 
able and deserted bastards, who aro either 
murdered by their parents, deserted to the 
utmost want and \\Tetchodness, or bred up to 
proy upon tho commonwealth : and it like- 
wise prevents tho debauchery of mau^' a 
young maiden, and the prostitution of honest 
men's wives ; not to mention tho consideration 
of health, which is much less liable to bo im- 
paired in tho gratification of this appetite 
than in the exorcise of common vencry, which, 
by ruining tho constitutions of our young 
men, has produced a puny progeny that de- 
generates from generation to generation, 
Naj-, I have been told, that there is another 
motive perhaps more powerful than all these, 
that induces people to cultivate tlus inclina- 
tion ; namely, tho exquisite pleasure attend- 
ing its success.' 

From this discourse, I began to bo appro- 
hoiisivo that his lordship, finding I had tra- 
velled, was afraid I might have been infected 
with this spurious and sordid desire abroad, 
and took this method of sounding my senti- 
ments on tho subject. Fired at this supposed 
suspicion, I argued against it with great 
wurnith, as an appetite unnatural, absurd, and 
of pernicious consofjucnco ; and declared my 
litter detestation find abhorrence of it in those 
lines of the satirist : — 

Ktrmiil Inramr tho wrptoh ronfnund 

Wlici pliiiitrd llr«t that vko mi Ilrltlsh Rroiind 1 
A viic: flint spite of HpiiM iiuil nature reiv'tis. 
And iM>i'i(jiis seiilul liivp, iiiitl miuihiMiil staliut. 

The earl smiled at my indignation, told me 
ho was glad to find my opinion of tho matter 
so conformable to his own, and that what ho 
hatl atlvanccd was only to provoke me to an 
answer, with which ho professed himself per- 
fectly well pleased. 

After I had enjoyed a long audience, I hap- 
pened to look at my watch, in order to regu- 
late my motions by it ; and his lordship, ob- 
serving the chased case, desired to see tho 
device, and examine tho execution, which ho 
approved with some expressions of atlmira- 
tion. Considering tho ol)ligations I lay under 
to his lordship, 1 thought there could not bo 
a fitter opportunity than the present to mani- 
fest, in some shape, my gratitude ; I t'herefore 
begged he would do me the honour to accept 



13d 



nODEPJCK RANDOM. 



of tlio watch as a small testimony of the 
sense I had of his lordship's generosity ; but 
he refused it in a peremptory manner, and 
said he was sorry I should entertain such a 
mercenary opinion of him ; observing at the 
same time, that it was the most beautiful 
piece of workmanship he had ever seen, and 
desiring to know where he could have such 
another. I bogged a thousand pardons for the 
freedom I had taken, which I hoped he would 
impute to nothing else than the highest vene- 
ration for his person — told him, that, as it 
came to my hand by accident in France, I 
could give him no information about the 
maker, for there was no name on the inside ; 
and once more humbly entreated that ho 
■would indulge mo so far as to use it for my 
sake. He was still positive in refusing it ; 
but was pleased to thank mo for my generous 
offer, saying, it was a present that no noble- 
man need be ashamed of receiving : though 
he was resolved to show his disinterestedness 
with regard to me, for whom he had conceived 
a particular friendship ; and insisted (if I were 
willing to part with the watch) upon knowing 
what it had cost, that ho might at least in- 
demnify me, by refunding the money. On 
the other hand, I assured his lordship, that I 
should look upon it as an uncommon mark of 
distinction, if he would take it without fur- 
ther question ; and, rather than disoblige me, 
ho was at last persuaded to put it in his 
pocket, to my no small satisfaction, who took 
my leave immediately, after having received 
a kind squeeze, and an injunction to depend 
upon his promise. 

Buoyed up with this reception, my heart 
opened ; I gave away a guinea among the 
lacqueys, who escorted me to the door, flew 
to the lodgings of Lord Stratldle, upon whom 
I forced mj' diamond ring as an acknowlclg- 
ment for the great .soi-vice ho had done me, and 
from thence hied mo home, with an intent of 
sharing my hiipjiincss with honest Strap. I 
determined, however, to heighten his pleasure, 
by depressing his spirits at first, and tlicn 
bringing in good news with double relish. 
For this purpose, I affected the appearance 
of disappointment and chagrin, and told him 
in an abrupt manner that I had lost the 
watch and diamond. Poor Hugh, who ha<l 
been already harassed into a consumption by 
intelligence of this sort, no sooner heard these 
words, than, unable to contain himself, ho 
cried, with distraction in his looks, " God in 
heaven forbid !' I could carry on the farce 
no longer ; but, laughing in his face, told him 
everything that had i)assed, as above recited. 
His features were immediately unbended, and 
the transition was so affecting, that he wept 
with joy, calling my Lord Strutwell by the 
appellations of Jewel, Phoenix, Rara ovii^; and 
praising God, that there was still some virtue 
left among our nobility. Our mutual con- 
grattilations being over, we gave way to our 
imagination, and anticipated our happiness 



by prosecuting our success through the dif- 
ferent steps of promotion, till I arrived at the 
rank of a prime minister, and ho to that of 
my first secretary. 

Intoxicated with these ideas, I wont to the 
ordinary, where, meeting with Banter, I com- 
municated the whole affair in confidence to 
him, concluding with an assurance that I 
would do him all the service in my power. 
He heard me to an end with great patience, 
then regarding me a good while with a look of 
disdain, pronounced, ' So your business is done, 
you think P ' 'As good as done, I believe,' 
f aid I. ' I'll tell you,' replied he, ' what will 
do it still more effectually — a halter! 'Sdeath ! 
if I hiid been such a gull to two such scoun- 
drels as Strutwell and Straddle, I would, with- 
out any more ado, tuck myself up.' Shocked 
at this exclamation, I desired him with some 
confusion to explain himself; upon which he 
gave me to understand that Straddle was a 
poor contemptible wretch, who lived by bor- 
rowing and pimping for his fellow-peers ; that 
in consequence of this last capacitj-, he had 
doubtless introduced me to Strutwell, who 
was so notorious for a passion for his own sex 
that ho was amazed his character had never 
reached my ears ; and that, far from being able 
to obtain for me the post ho had promised, 
his interest at court was so low, that he could 
scarce i)rovide for a superannuated footman 
once a year in the customs or excise ; that it 
was a common thing for him to amuse stran- 
gers, wliom his jackals ran down, with such 
assurances and caresses as he had bestowed 
on me, until ho had stripped them of their 
cash, and everything valuable about them — 
very often of their chastity, and then leave 
them a prey to want and infamy ; that he al- 
lowed his servants no other wages than that 
l)art of the spoil Avhieh they coidd glAn l)y 
their industrj' ; and the whole of his conduct 
towards me was so glaring, that nobody who 
knew anything of mankind could have been 
imposed upon by his insinuations. 

I leave the reader to judge how I relished 
this piece of information, which precipitated 
me from the most exalted pinnacle of hope to 
the lowest abyss of despondence, and well nigh 
determined mo to take Banter's advice and 
finish my chagrin with a lialtcr. I had no 
room to suspect the veracity of my friend, 
because, upon recollection, I found every cir- 
cumstance of Strutwell's behaviour exactly 
tallying with the character he had described ; 
his hugs, embraces, squeezes, and eager looks, 
were now no longer a mystery ; no more than 
his defence of Petronius, and the jealous frown 
of his valet-de-chambrc, who, it seems, had 
been the favourite pathic of his lord. 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



137 



CHAPTER LII. 

lalfempf to recover- my Watch and Jewel, hut 
to no Purpose — resolve to revenge myself on 
Strutwell hy my Importunity — am reduced 
to my last Guinea — obliged to inform Strap 
of my Necessity, u-lw is almost distracted 
■icith the Ne}cs — hut nevertheless obliged to 
pau'n my best Sword for 2)resent Subsistoicc 
— tluit small Supply being crhousted, I am 
almost stupijied with my Misfortaiws — go 
to the Gaming Table by the Advice of Ban- 
ter, and come off with unexpected Success — 
Strap's Ecstacy — Mrs. Gawky v;aits upon 
me, professes Remorse for her Perfidy, and 
implores my Assistance — I do myself a Piece 
of Justice by /wr Means, and afterwards 
reconcile lier to her Father. 

I WAS so coufoundcJ that I coulil make no 
reply to Banter, who roproacheil me with 
great indignation for havinj,' thrown away 
upon rascals that which, had it boon converted 
into ready money, would have supported the 
rank of a gentleman for some months, and 
enabled me, at the same time, to oVdige my 
friends. Stupified as I was, I could easily 
divine the source of his concern, but sneaked 
away in a solitary manner, without yielding 
the least answer to his expostulations; and 
began to deliberate ^vithin myself in what 
manner I should attempt to retrieve the mov- 
ables I had so foolishly lost. I should have 
thought it no robbery to take them again by 
force, could I have done it without anj' danger 
of being detected ; but, as I could have no 
such opportunity, I resolved to work by fi- 
nesse, and go immediately to the lodgings of 
Straddle, where I was so fortunate as to find 
him. ' My Lord,' said I, ' I have just now re- 
collected, that the diamond I had the honour 
of presenting to you is loosened a little in 
the socket, and there is a young fellow just 
arrived from Paris, who is reckoned the best 
jeweller in Europe; I knew him in France; 
and, if your lordship -vvill give me leave, will 
carry the ring to him to be set to riglits.' His 
lordship was not to be caught in this snare ; 
he thanked mo for my offer, and told mo, that, 
having himself observed the defect, ho had 
alreatly sent it to his own jeweller to bo 
mended ; and, indeed, by this timo I believe 
it wiis in the jeweller's hands, though not in 
order to be mended, for it stood in need of 
no alteration. 

Balked in this piece of politics, I cursed 
my simplicity ; but resolved to play a surer 
game with the earl, which I thus devised. J 
did not doubt of being admitted into familiar 
conversation with him, as before, and hoped 
by some means to get the watch into my hand ; 
then, on pretence of winding or plaj-ing with 
it, drop it on the floor, when, in all probabi- 
lity, the fall would disorder the work so as to 
stop its motion ; this event would furnish 
me with an opportunity of insisting upon 
carrying it away in order to be repaired, and 
then I should be in no hurry to bring it back, 



"VVTiat pity it was I could not find an occasion 
of putting this tine scheme in execution ! 
"NVlien I went to renew my visit to his lord- 
ship, my access to the parlour was as free as 
ever ; but after I had waited for some time, 
the valet-de-chambre came in with his lord's 
compliments, and a desire to see mo to-mor- 
row at his levee, he being at present so much 
indisposed that he could not ^ company. I 
interpreted this message into a bad omen, 
and came away muttering curses against his 
lordship's politeness, and ready to go to log- 
gerheads with myself for being so egregiously 
Qupcd. But, that 1 might have some satis- 
faction for the loss I had sustained, I besieged 
him so closely at his levee, and persecuted 
him with my solicitations ; not without faint 
hopes, indeed, of reaping something more 
from my industry than the bare pleasure of 
making him uneasy; though I could never 
obtain another private hearing during the 
whole course of my attendance ; neither had 
I resolution enough to undeceive Strap, whoso 
looks in a little timo were so whetted with 
impatience, that whenever I came home, his 
eyes devoured me, as it were, with eagerness 
of attention. 

At length, however, finding myself reduced 
to my last guinea, I was compelled to disclose 
my necessity, though I endeavoured to 
sweoten tho discovery by rehearsing to him 
the daily assurances I received from my 
patron. But these promises were not of 
elticacy sufficient to support tho spii-its of my 
friend, who no sooner understood the lowness 
of my finances, than, uttering a dreadful groan, 
ho exclaimed, ' In tho name of God, what shall 
we do 'f' In order to comfort him, I said, that 
many of my acquaintances, who were in a 
worse condition than we, supported, notwith- 
standing, tho character of gentlemen; and 
advising him to thank God that as yet wo had 
incurred no debt, proposed he should pawn 
my sword of steel, inlaid with gold, and trust 
to my discretion for the rest. This expedient 
was wormwood and gall to poor Strap, who, 
in spite of his invincible affection for me, still 
retained notions of economy and expense suit- 
able to the narrowness of his education ; 
nevertheless he complied with my request, 
and raised seven pieces on the sword in a 
twinkling. This supply, inconsiderable as it 
was, made mo as happy for the present, as if 
I liad kept five hundred pounds in bank ; for 
by this time I was so well skilled in procras- 
tinating every troublesome reflection, that 
the prospect of want seldom affected me very 
muclx, let it bo ever so near. And now in- 
deed it was nearer than I imagined. My 
landlord, having occasion for money, put mo in 
mind of my being indebted to him five guineas 
in lodging ; and, telling mo he had a sum to 
make up, begged I would excuse his importu- 
nity, and discharge the debt. Though I could 
ill spare so much cash, my pride took tho 
resolution of disbursing it. This I did in a 
cavalier manner, after he had written a dig- 



If^S 



RODERICK RAXDOM. 



charge, telling him with an air of scorn and 
resentment, I saw he was resolved that I 
should not bo long in his books ; wliile Strap, 
who stood by, and knew my circumstances, 
wrung his hands in secret, gnawed his nether 
lip, and turned yellow with despair. What- 
ever appearance of indifference my vanity 
enabled mo tj^.put on, I was thunderstruck 
with this demand, which I had no sooner 
satisfied, than I hastened into company, with 
a view of beguiling my cares with conversa- 
tion, or drowning them with wine. 

After dinner, a party was accordingly made 
in the coffee-house, from whence we ad- 
journed to the tavern, where, instead of 
sharing the mirth of the companj", I was as 
much chagrined at their good humour as a 
damned soul in hell would be at a glimpse of 
heaven. In vain did I swallow bumper after 
bumper! the wine had lost its effect upon 
me, and, far from raising my dejected spirits, 
could not oven lay me asleep. Banter, who 
was the only ijitimate I had (Strap excepted), 
perceived my anxiety, and, when wo broke 
up, reproached mo with pusillanimity^ for 
being cast down at any disappointment that 
such a rascal as Strutwell could be the occa- 
sion of. I told him I did not at all see how 
Strutwell's being a rascal alleviated my mis- 
fortune; and gave him to understand that 
my present grief did not so much proceed 
from that disappointment, as from the low 
ebb of my fortune, which was sunk to some- 
thing less than two guineas. At this decla- 
ration, ho cried, ' Psha 1 is that all r' and 
assured me, there wore a thousand ways of 
living in town without a fortune, he liimsclf 
having subsisted many years entirely by liia 
wit. I expressed an eager desire of l)cing 
acquainted with some of these methods, and 
he, without further expostulation, bade mo 
follow him. He conducted me to a house 
under the piazzas in Covent Garden, whi(!h 
we entered, and having delivered our swords 
to a grim follow who demanded them at the 
foot of the staircase, ascended to the second 
story, whore I saw multitudes of people 
standing round two gaming-tables, loaded, in 
a manner, with gold and silver. My con- 
ductor told mo this was the house of a 
worthy Scotch lord, who, using tho privilege 
of his peerage, had sot up public gaming- 
tables, from the profits of which he drew a 

; comfortable livelihood. Ho then explained 
tho difference between the sillers and tho 

I hetlors; characterised the first as old rooks, 
and the last as bubbles; and advised mo to ti-y 
my fortune at the silver table, by betting a 
crown at a time. Before I would venture any- 
thing, I considered the company more pai-;i- 
cularly, and there appeared such a gi'oup of 
villanous faces, that I was struck with horror 
and astonishment at the sight ! I signified my 
surprise to JUnter, who whispered iu my ear, 
that tho bulk of those present were sharpers, 
highwaymen, and apprentices, who, having 
embezzled their master's cash, made a despe- 



rate push in this place to make up their defi- 
ciencies. This account did not cncoui-age mo 
to hazard any part of my small pittance : but, 
at length, being teased by the importunities 
of my friend, who assured me there was no 
danger of being ill-used, because people 
were hired by the owner to see justice done 
to everybody, I liogan by risking one shilling, 
and, in less than an honr, my wiunin<» 
amounted to thirty. Convinced by this time 
of the fairness of the game, and animated 
with success, there was no need of further 
persuasion to continue the play : I lent Banter 
(who seldom had any money in liis pocket) a 
guinea, which he carried to the gold table, 
and lost in a moment. Ho would have bor- 
rowed another, but finding me deaf to his 
arguments, went away in a pet. Meanwhile 
my gain advanced to six pieces, and my 
desire of more increased in proportion : so 
that I moved to tho higher table, whore I laid 
half-a-guinca on every throw, and fortune 
still favouring me, I became a sitter, in 
which capacity I remained until it was broatl 
day ; when I found myself, after many vicis- 
situdes, one hundred and fifty guineas in 
pocket. 

Thinking it now high time to retire with 
my booty, I a.sked if anybody would take my 
place, and made a notion to rise ; upon which 
an old Gascon, who sat opposite to me, and 
of whom I had won a little money, started up 
with fury in his looks, crying, ' Rcstcz,fo>tfrc, 
rcstci! it f ant doiuicr vwi inon rai'nnchio I ' 
At the same time, a Jew, who sat near the 
other, insinuated that I was more beholden 
to art than fortime for what I had got ; that 
lie had observed mo wijio the table very often, 
and that some of the divisions appeared to 
bo greasy. This intimation produced a great 
deal of clamour nguiust mo, especially among 
tho losers, who thro.itoned with manj' oaths 
and imprecations, to take me uj) by a warrant 
as a sharper, unless I would compromise tho 
affair by refunding tho greatest part of my 
winning. Tliough I was far from being ea.sy 
under this accusation, I relied upon my iimo- 
cence, threatened in my tnm to prosecute tho 
Jew for defamation, and boldly offered to 
submit my cause to the examination of any 
justice in Westminster ; but they knew them- 
selves too well to put their characters on 
that issue, and finding that I was not to bo 
intimidated into any concession, dropped 
their ]ilea, and made way for mo to v.'ithdraw. 
I would not, however, stir from the table until 
tho Israelite had retracted what he had said 
to m3' disadvantage, and asked pardon before 
the whole assembly. 
As I marohed out with my prize, I hap- 

f>ened to tread on tho toes of a tall raw-boned 
ellow, with a hooked nose, fierce eyes, black 
thick eyebrows, a pigtail wig of the same 
colour, and a formidable h.at pulled over his 
forehead, who stood gnawing his finders in 
the crowd, and no sooner felt tho application 
of my shoo heel, than he roared out in a tre- 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



130 



mendous voice, ' Blood and wounds ! you son 
of a whoro, what's that for ? ' I asked pardon 
■with a great deal of submission, and pro- 
tested I had no intention of hurting him ; 
but the more I humbled myself the more ho 
stormed, and insisted on gentlemanly satis- 
faction, at the same time provoking mo with 
.•scandalous names that I could not put up 
with ; so that I gave loose to my passion, 
returned his Billingsgate, and challenged him 
down to the piazzas. His indignation cooling 
us mine warmed, he refused ray invitation, 
saying he would choose his own time, and 
returned towards the table muttering threats, 
which I neither dreaded nor distinctly heard ; 
but, descending with great deliberation, re- 
ceived my sword from the door-keeper, whom 
I gratified with a guinea, according to tho 
custom of tho place, and went home in a. 
rapture of joy. 

My faithful valet, who had sot up all night 
in the utmost uneiiainess on my account, let 
me in with his face beslubbered with tears, 
:iud followed mo to my chamber, where ho 
.^tood silent like a condemned crimimd, in ex- 
jicctation of hejiring that every shilling was 
spent. I guessed tho situation of his thoughts, 
and, iissnming a sullen look, ba<lo him fetch 
me some water to wash. l£o replied, without 
lifting his eyes from tho ground, ' In my sim- 
ple conjecture, you have moro occasion for 
rest, not having (I suppose) slept these four- 
and-twenty-hours.' ' Bring mo some water !' 
said I, in a peremptory tone ; upon which ho 
sneaked away shrugging his shoulders. Be^ 
fore ho returned, 1 hiul spread my wholo 
stork on the table in the most ostentatious 
nianuer; so that, when it first saluted his 
vie\y, ho stood like one entranced ; and, 
having rubbed his eyes moro than once, to 
juHsuro himself of his being awake, broke out 
into, ' Lord havo mcrcj' upon us, what a vaat 
treasure is hero ! ' ' "lis all our own. Strap, 
said I ; ' take what is necessary, and redeem 
tho sword immediately.' He advanced to- 
wards the table, stopped short by tho way, 
looked at the money and me by turns, and 
with a wildness in his countenance, produced 
from joy checked by distrust, cried, ' I daro 
say it is honestly come by.' To remove his 
scruples, I made him acquaijitcd with tho 
whole story of my success, which, when ho 
heard, he danced about the room in an 
ecstacy, crying, ' God bo praised !— a white 
^louc !— God bo praised I — a white stone ! ' So 
that I was afraid tho change of fortune had 
disordered his intellects, and that he was 
run mad with joy. Extremely concerned 
at this event, I attempted to reason him 
out of hi? frenzy, but to no purpose ; for 
without regarding what I said, ho continued 
to frisk up and down, and repeat his rhajisodv, 
of ' God be praised !— a white stone ! ' At 
last, I rose in tho utmost consternation, and, 
laying violent h;«uds upon him, put a stop to 
his extravagance by fixing him down to a 
Bctteo that was in tho room. This constraioit 



banished his delirium ; ho started as if just 
awoko, and terrified at my behaviour, cried, 
' What is tho matter !' AVhcn he learned tho 
cause of my apprehension, he was ashamed 
of his transports, and told me, that in men- 
tioning tho white stone, he alluded to tho Dies 
J'asii of the Romans, alba lapide notati. 

Having no inclination to sleep, I secured 
my cash, dressed, and was just going abroad, 
when tho servant of tho house told mc, thcro 
wa:3 a gentlewoman at tho door who wanted 
to speak with mo. Surprised at this infor- 
mation, I made Sti-ap show her up, and in 
less than a minute, saw a young woman of a 
shabby decayed appearance enter my room. 
After half-a-dozen cui-tsics, she began to sob, 
and told mo her name was Gawky ; upon 
which information I immediately recollected 
tho features of Miss Lavement, who had been 
tho first occasion of my misfortunes. "Though 
I had all the reason in tho world to resent her 
treacherous behaviour to me, I was moved at 
hor distress, and professing my sorrow at 
seeing her so reduced, desired her to sit, and 
iiKiuired into the particulars of her situation. 
She fell upon her knees and implored my for- 
giveness for tho injuries she had dono mo, 
protcdtuig before God, that sho was forced, 
against Jicr inclination, into that hellish con- 
spiracy which had almost deprived mo of my 
life, by the entreaties of her husband, who, 
having been afterwards renounced by his 
father on account of his marriage with her, 
and unablo to support a family on his pay, 
left his wife at her fathers house, and went 
with the regiment to Germany, where he was 
broke for misbehaviour at tho battle of Det- 
tingon ; sineo which time sho had heard no 
tidings of him. She then gave me to under- 
stand, with many symptoms of penitence, 
that it vfiia her misfortune to bear a child 
four months after marriage, by which event 
her parents were so incensed, that sho was 
turned out of doors with the infant, that died 
soon after: and had hitherto subsisted in a 
miscrablo indigent manner, on tho extorted 
charity of a fow friends, who were now quito 
tired of giving; that, not knowing where or 
how to support herself ono day longer, sho 
had fled for succour even to mo, who, of all 
mankind, had the least cause to assist her, 
relying upon the generosity of my disposition, 
which, sho hoped, would bo pleased with this 
opportunity of avenging itself in the noblest 
manner on tho wretch who had wronged me. 
I was very much affected with her discourse, 
and, having no cause to suspect tho sincerity 
of her repentance, raised hor up, freely par- 
doned all she had dono against mo, and pro- 
mised to befriend her as much as lay in my 
1 lower. 

.Since my last arrival in London, I had 
made no advances to the apothecary, imagin- 
ing it woidd bo impossible for mo to mako 
my innocence appear, so unhappily was my 
accusation circumstanced : Strap indeed had 
laboured to jupstify mo to the bchoolmastor ; 



140 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



but, far from succeeding in his attempt, Mr. 
Concordance dropped all correspondence with 
him, because he refused to quit his connec- 
tion with me. Things being in this situation, 
I thoiight a fairer opportunity of vindicat- 
ing my character could not offer than that 
which now presented itself ; I therefore 
stipulated with Mrs. Gawky, that, before I 
would yield her the least assistance, she 
should do me the justice to clear my reputa- 
tion, by explaining upon oath before a magis- 
trate the whole of the conspiracy, as it had 
been executed against me. "When she had 
given me this satisfaction, I presented her 
with five guineas, a sum so much above her 
expectation, that she could scarce believe the 
evidence of her senses, and was ready to 
worship me for my benevolence. The decla- 
ration, signed with her own hand, I sent to 
her father, who, upon recollecting and com- 
paring the circumstances of my charge, was 
convinced of my integrity, and waited on 
me next day, in company Avith his friend the 
schoolmaster, to whom he had communicated 
my vindication. After mutual salutation, 
Monsieur Lavement began a long apology 
for the unjust treatment I had received ; but 
I saved him a good deal of breath, by inter- 
rupting his harangue, and assuring him that, 
far from entertaining a resentment against 
him, I thought myself obliged to his lenity, 
which allowed me to escape, after such strong 
presumptions of guilt appeared against me. 
Mr. Concordance, thinking it now his turn 
to speak, observed that Mr. Random had too 
much candour and sagacity to be disobliged 
at their conduct, which, all things considered, 
could not have been otherwise, with any 
honesty of intention. 'Indeed,' said he, 'if 
the plot had been unravelled to us by any 
supernatural intelligence ; if it had been 
whispered by a genio, communicated by a 
dream, or revealed by an angel from on high, 
we should have been to blame in crediting 
ocular demonstration j but as we were left 
in the mist of mortalitj', it cannot be ex- 
pected we should be incapable of imposition. 
I do assure you, Mr. Random, no man on 
earth is more pleased than I am at this 
triumph of your character : and, as the news 
of your misfortune panged me to the very en- 
trails, this manifestation of your innocence 
makes my midriff quiver "with j oy. ' I thanked 
him for this concern, desired them to undeceive 
those of their acquaintance who judged 
harshly of me, and, having treated them with 
a glass of Avine, represented to Lavement the 
deplorable condition of his daughter, and 
pleaded her cause so effectuallj', that ho con- 
sented to settle a small annuity on her for 
life : but could not be persuaded to take her 
home, because her mother was so much 
incensed, that she would never see her. 



CHAPTER LlII. 

I purchase new Clothes — rex)rimand Struhvell 
and Straddle — Banter 'proi^oses another ma- 
trimonial Scheme — I accept of his Terms — 
set out for Bath in a Stage-coach with the 
young Lady and her Mother — the Behaviour 
of an Officer _ and Lawyer — our fellow Tra- 
vellers described — n. smart dialogue bettueen 
my Mistress and the Captain. 

HAVING finished this affair to my satis- 
faction, I found myself perfectly at 
ease ; and, looking upon the gambling- table 
as a certain resource for a gentleman in 
want, became more gay than ever. Although 
my clothes were almost as good as new, I 
grew ashamed of wearing them, because I 
thought everybody by this time had got an 
inventory of my wardrobe. For which rea- 
son I disposed of a good part of my apparel to 
a salesman in Monmouth Street for half the 
value, and bought two new suits with the 
money. I likewise purchased a plain gold 
watch, despairing of recovering that which I 
had so foolishly given to Strutwell, whom, 
notwithstanding. I still continued to visit at his 
levee, until the ambassador he had mentioned 
set out with a secretary of his own choosing. 
I thought myself then at liberty to expostulate 
with his lordship, whom I treated with great 
freedom in a, letter, for amusing me with vain 
hopes, when he neither had the power nor 
inclination to provide for me. Nor was I less 
reserved with Straddle, whom I in person re- 
proached for misrepresenting to me the cha- 
racter of Strutwell, which I did not scruple 
to aver was infamous in every respect. He 
seemed very much enraged at my freedom, 
talked a great deal about his quality and 
honour, and began to make some comparisons 
which I thought so injurious to mine, that I 
demanded an explanation with gi-eat warmth, 
and he was mean enough to equivocate, and 
condescend in such a manner that I left 
him with a hearty contempt of his behaviour. 
About this time. Banter, who had observed 
a surprising and sudden alteration in my ap- 
pearance and disposition, began to inquire 
very minutely into the cause ; and, as I did 
not think fit to let him know the true state of 
the affair, lest ho might make free with my 
purse, on the strength of having proposed 
the schemra that filled it, I told him that I 
had received a small supply from a relation 
in the country, who at the same time had 
promised to use all his interest (which was 
not small) in soliciting some post for me that 
should make me easy for life. ' If that bo 
the case,' said Banter, 'perhaps you won't 
care to mortify yourself a little in making 
your fortune another way. I have a relation 
who is to set out for Bath next week, with 
an only daughter, who being sickly and de- 
crepit, intends to drink the waters for the 
recovery of her health. Her father, who was 
a rich Turkey merchant, died about a year 
ago, and left her, with a fortune of twenty 



nODEBICIi BiJVDOlf. 



141 



tiiou.-and pounds, under the sole management 
of her mother, who is my kinswoman. I 
would have put in for the plate myself, but 
there is a breach at present between the old 
woman and me. You must know, that some 
time ago I borrowed a small sum of her,' and 
promised, it seems, to pay it before a certain 
time ; but being disappointed in my expecta- 
tion of money from the country, the day 
elapsed without my being able to take up my 
note ; upon which she wrote a peremptory 
letter, threatening to arrest me, if I did not 
pay the debt immediately. Nettled at this 
precise behaviour, I sent a d — d severe an- 
swer, which enraged her so much that she 
actuallj' took out a v/rit against mo. Where- 
upon, finding ;he thing grow serious, I got a 
friend to advance tho money for me, dis- 
charged the debt, went to her house, and 
abused her for her unfriendly dealing. She 
was provoked by my reproaches, and scolded 
in her turn. The little deformed urchin 
joined her mother with such virulence and 
volubility of tongue, that I was fain to make 
a retreat, after having been honoured with a 
great many scandalous epithets, which gave 
me plainly to understand that I had nothing 
to hope from the esteem of the one, or 
the affection of the other. As they are both 
utter strangers to life, it is a thousand to one 
that the girl will be picked up by some 
scoundrel or other at Bath, if I don't provide 
for her otherwise. You are a well-looking 
fellow, Eandom, and can behave as demurely 
as a quaker. Now, if you will give me an 
obligation of five hundred pounds, to be paid 
six months after your marriage, I will put you 
in a method of carrying her in spite of all 
opposition.' 

This proposal was too advantageous for me 
to be refused. The writing Avas immediately 
drawn up and executed ; and Banter, giving 
me notice of the time when, and tho stage 
coach in which thej' were to set out, I bespoke 
a place in the same convenience ; and, having 
hired a horse for Strap, who was charmed 
with the prospect, set forward accordingly. 

As we embarked before day, I had not tho 
pleasure for some time of seeing Miss Snapper 
(that was the name of my mistress), nor even 
of perceiving the number and sex of my fel- 
low travellers, although I guessed that the 
coach was full, by the difficulty I found in 
seating myself. The first five minutes passed 
in a general silence, when, all of a sudden, 
the coach heeling to one side, a boisterous 
voice pronounced, ' To the right and left, 
cover your flanks, d — me ! whiz ! ' I easily 
discovered by tho tone and matter of this ex- 
clamation that it was uttered by a son of 
Mars ; neither was it hard to conceive the 
profession of another person who sat opposite 
to me, and observed that, we ought to have 
been well satisfied of the security before wo 
entered ixpon the premises. These two sallies 
had not the desired efiect. We continued a 
good while as mute as before, till at length 



the gentleman of the sword, impatient of 
longer silence, made a second effort, by swear- 
ing he had got into a meeting of quakers. ' I 
believe so too,' said a shrill female voice at 
my left hand, ' for the spirit of folly begins to 
move.' ' Out with it then, madam P' replied 
the soldier. ' You seem to have no occasion 
for a midwife,' cried the lady. ' D — mn my 
blood !' exclaimed the other, ' a man can't talk 
to a woman, bi\t she immediately thinks of a 
midwife.' ' True sir,' said she ' I long to bo 
delivered.' ' What of— a mouse, madam ?' 
said he. ' No, sir,' said she, ' of a fool.' ' Aro 
you far gone with a fool P' said he. ' Little 
more than two miles,' said she. 'By Gad, 
you're a wit, madam,' cried the officer. ' I 
wish I could with any justice return the com- 
pliment,' said the lady. ' Zounds, I have 
done,' said ho. ' Your bolt is soon shot, ac- 
cording to the old proverb,' said she. The 
warrior's powder was quite spent ; the lawyer 
advised him to drop the prosecution, and a 
grave matron, who sat on the left hand of tho 
victorious wit, told her she must not let her 
tongue run so fast among strangers. This 
reprimand, softened with the ajipellation of 
child, convinced me that the satirical lady 
was no other than Miss Snapper, and I re- 
solved to regulate my conduct accordinglj-. 
The champion, finding himself so smartly 
handled, changed his battery, and began to 
expatiate on his own exploits. ' You talk of 
shot, madam,' said he ; ' d — me ! I have I Ouh 
given and received some shot in my time — I 
was wounded in the shouliler by a pistol ball 
at Dettingen, where — I say nothing — but by 
G — d ! if it had not been for me — all's one for 
that — I despise boasting, d — me ! whiz !' So 
sajdng, he whistled one part, and hummed an- 
other, of the Black Joke ; then, addressing him- 
self to the lawyer, went on thus ; ' Wouldn't 
you think it d — d hard, after having, at tho 
risk of your life, recovered the standard of a 
regiment that had been lost, to receive no pre- 
ferment for your pains P I don't choose to 
name no names, sink me ! but, howsome- 
ever, this I will refer, by G — d ! and that is 
this — a musketeer of the French guards, 
having taken a standard from a certain comet 
of a certain regiment, d — o ! was retreating 
with his prize as fast as his horse's heels could 
carry him, sink me ! Upon which, I snatched 
up a firelock that belonged to a dead man, 
d — me ! whiz ! and shot his horse under him, 
d — n my blood ! The fellow got upon his feet, 
and began to repose me, upon which I charged 
my bayonet breast high, and ran him through 
tho body by G— d ! One of his comrades, 
coming to his assistance, shot me in the 
shoulder, as I told you before ; and another 
gave me a contusion on the head with the 
butt-end of his carbine ; but, d — me, that did 
not signify. I killed one, put the other to 
flight, and taking up the standard, carried it 
off very deliberately. But the best joke of all 
was the son of a b — ch of a cornet, who had 
surrendered it in a cowardly manner, seeing 



1^ 



RODERICK RANDOM 



it in my possession, demanded it from me in 
the front of the line. ' D — u my blood !' says 
he, ' where did you find my standard r' says 
he. ' D — n my blood !' said I, ' where,' said I, 
' did you loso it r' said I. ' That's nothing to 
you,' says he, ' 'tis my standard,' saj-s he, ' and 
by G — d I'll have it,' says he. ' D — nation 
seize me,' says I, ' if you shall,' says I, ' till I 
have first delivered it to the general,' says I; and 
accordingly I went to the head-quarters after 
the battle, and delivered it to my Lord Stair, 
who promised to do for me ; but I am no more 
than a poor lieutenant stiU, d — n my blood.' 

Having vented this repetition of expletives, 
the lawyer owned he had not been requited 
according to his deserts; observed that the 
labourer is always worthy of his hire, and 
asked if the jjromise was made before wit- 
nesses, because in that case the law would 
compel the general to perform it ; but, vmder- 
standing that the promise was made over a 
bottle, without being restricted to time or 
terms, he pronounced it not valid in law, 
proceeded to inquire into the particulars of 
the battle, and affirmed that, although the 
English had drawn themselves into a pro- 
munirc at first, the French managed their 
cause so lamely in the coiurso of the dispute, 
that they would have been utterly nonsuited, 
had they not obtained a tioUi prosequi. In 
spite of these enlivenuig touches, the conver- 
sation was like to suffer another long inter- 
ruption, when the lieutenjint, unwilling to 
conceal any of his accomplishments that 
could be displayed in his present situation, 
oflForcd to regale the companj' with a song ; 
and, interpreting our silence into a desire of 
hearing, began to warble a fashionable air 
the first stanza of wliich he pronounced thus • 

' Would yiju ta«k the mnoii-tiile hair. 
To you ila^'iant beau repair . 
AVlitre waving with the poplin vow, 
The bantling line will shelter you,' .Jtc. « 

The sense of the rest he perverted as he went 
on with such surprising facility that I coidd 
not help thinking he had been at some pains 
to burlesque the performance. Miss Snapper 
ascribed it to the true cause, namely igno- 
rance ; and, when ho asked her how she re- 
lished his music, answered that, in her opinion, 
the music and the words were much of a piece. 
' Oh, d — n my blood I' said ho, ' I take that as 
a high compliment ; for everybody allows the 
Avords are d — able fine.' ' They may be so,' 
replied the lady, ' for aught I know, but they 
are above my comprehension.' ' I an't 
obliged to find you comprehension, madam, 
cur§e mo !' cried he. ' No, nor to speak sense 
neither,' said she. ' D — n my heart,' said he, 
* I'll speak what I please.' Here the lawyer 
interposed, by telling him, tliere were some 
things he must not speak ; and upon being 
defied to give an instance, mentioned treason 
and defamation. ' As for the king,' cried the 
soldier, ' God bless him — I eat his bread, and 
have lost blood in his cause, therefore I have 
nothing to say to him — but, by G — d, I dare 



say anything to any other man.' ' No,' said 
the lawyer, 'you dare not call me rogue.' 
'D— me, for what?' said the other. 'Be- 
cause,' replied the counsellor, ' I should have 
a good action against you, and recover,' 
' Well, well,' cried the officer, ' if I dare not 
caU you rogue, I dare think you one, d— me !' 
This stroke of wit he accompanied with a 
loud laugh of self-approbation, which unluckily 
did not affect the audience, but effectually 
silenced his antagonist, who did not open 
his mouth for the space of an hour, except to 
clear his pipe with three hems, which, how- 
ever, produced nothing. 



CHAPTER LIV. 

Day hrealcing, Iliave the Pleasure of viewinri 
the Person of Miss Snapper, v:hom I had 
not seen before — the Soldier is nitty upon 
me — isoffended — talks muchof his Valoitr — is 
reprimanded by a grave Gcntlcivoman — we 
are alarmed by the cry of Highwaymen — I 
get out of the Coach, and stand in my ov:n 
defence — they ride off toithout having at- 
tacked vs — I pursue them — ono of them is 
thrown from his Horse and taken — I return 
to the Coach — am complimented by Miss 
»S)iaj)j)C)" — the Captain's Behaviour on this 
Occasion — the Prude reproaches me in a 
Soliloquy — I upbraid her in the same Man- 
ner — the ISeliaviour of Mrs. Snapip)er, at 
Breakfast, disobliges mo — the Lawyer is 
witty upon tlie Officer, who threatens him. 

IN the meantime, the day breaking in upon 
us, discovered to one another the faces of 
their fellow travellers: and I had the good 
fortune to find my mistress not quite so de- 
formed nor disagreeable as she had been re- 
presented to me. Her head, indeed, bore 
some resemblance to a hatchet, the edge being 
rcpi-csentcd by her face ; but she had a cer- 
taiji delicacy in her complexion, and a great 
deal of vivacity in her eyes, which were very 
large and black; and, though the protuber- 
ance of her breast, when considered alone, 
seemed to drag her forwards, it was e.asy 
to perceive an equivalent on her back which 
balanced the other, and kept her body in 
equilibrio. On the whole, I thought I should 
have great reason to congi'atulate mj'self, if 
it should be my fate to possess twenty thou- 
sand pounds encumbered with such a wife. 
I began therefore to deliberate about the 
most probable means of acquiring tlie con- 
quest, and Avas so much engrossed by this 
idea, that I scarce took any notice of the 
rest of the people in the coach, but revolved 
my project in silence ; while the conversa- 
tion was maintained as before by the object 
of my hopes, the son of Mars, and the bar- 
rister, who by this time recollected himself, 
and talked in terms as much as ever. At 
length a dispute happened, which ended in a 
wager, to be determined Ijy me, who was so 
much absorbed in contemplation, that I 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



143 



neither heard the reference nor the question 
which was put to mo by each in his turn. 
Aifronted at ray supposed contempt, the sol- 
dier with great vociferation swore I was 
either dumb or deaf, if not both, and that I 
looked as if I could not say Bo to a goose. 
Aroused at this observation, I fixed my eyes 
upon him, and pronounced with emphasis the 
interjection Bo ! Upon which he cocked his 
hat in a fierce manner, and cried, ' D — me, 
sir, what d'ye mean by that r' Had I intended 
to answer him, Avhich by the by was not my 
tlesign, I should have been anticipated by 
Miss, who told him, my meaning was to show, 
that I could cry Bo to a goose ; and laughed 
very heartily at my laconic reproof. Her ex- 
planation and mirth did not help to appease 
his wrath, which broke out in several martial 
insinuations, such as — ' I do not understand 
such freedoms, d — me ! D — n my blood ! I'm 
a gentleman, and bear the king's commission. 
'Sblood! some people deserve to have their 
noses pulled for their impertinence.' I thought 
to have checked these ejaculations by a 
frown ; because he had talked so much of his 
valour that I had long ago rated him as an 
ass in a lion's skin ; but this expedient did 
not answer my expectation ; he took umbrago 
at the contraction of my brow, swore he did 
not value my sulky looks a fig's end, and pro- 
tested he feared no man breathing. Miss 
Snapper said, she was very glad to find her- 
self in company with a man of so much 
courage, who, she did not doubt, would pro- 
tect us from all the attempts of highwaymen 
during our journey. ' Make yourself perfect- 
ly easy on that head, madam,' replied the 
officer ; ' I have got a pair of pistols (here they 
are), which I took from a horse officer 
at the battle of Dettingen ; they are double 
loaded, and if any highwajanan in England 
robs you of the value of a pin while I have the 
honour of being in your company, d— n my 
heart.' When ho had expressed himself in 
this manner, a prim gentlewoman, who had 
sat silent hitherto, opened her mouth, and 
said, she wondered how any man could be 
so rude as to pull out such weapons be- 
fore ladies. 'D — me, madam,' cried the 
champion, ' if you are so much afraid at 
the sight of a pistol, how d'ye propose 
to stand fire if there should be occasion ? ' 
She then told him that, if she thought 
he could bo so unmannerly as to use fire-arms 
in her presence, whatever might be the occa- 
sion, she would get out of the coach imme- 
diately, and walk to the next village, where 
she might procure a convenience to henself. 
Before he could make anyanswer,myDuloinea 
interposed, and observed that, far from being 
offended at a gentleman's using his arms in 
his own defence, she thought herself very 
lucky in being along with one by whose valour 
she stood a good chance of saving herself from 
being rifled. The prude cast a disdainful look 
at Miss, and said that people, who have but 



little to lose, are sometimes the most solicitous 
about •preserving it. Tiie old lady was af- 
fronted at this inuendo, and took notice, that 
people ought to be very well informed before 
they speak slightingly of other people's for- 
tune, lest they discover their own envj', and 
make themselves ridiculous. Tlie daughter 
declared, that she did not pretend to vie with 
anybody in point of riches ; and if the ladj% 
who insisted upon non-resistance, would pro- 
mise to indemnify us all for the loss we should 
sustain, she would be one of the first to per- 
suade the captain to submission, in case wo 
should be attacked. To this proposal, reason- 
able as it was, the reserved lady made no 
other reply than a scornful glance and a toss 
of her head. I was very well pleased with 
the spirit of my young mistress, and even 
wished for an opportunity of distinguishing 
my courage under her eye, which I believed 
could not fail ofprepossessing her in my favour, 
when all of a sudden Strap rode up to tho 
coach door, and told us in a great fright, that 
two men on horseback Avere crossing the heath 
(for by this time we had passed Hounslow), 
and made directly towards us. 

This piece of information was no sooner de- 
livered, than Mrs. Snapper began to scream, 
her daughter grew pale, the other lad}' pulled 
out her purse to Ijp in readiness, the lawyer's 
teeth chattered, while he pronounced, ' Tis no 
matter — we'll sue tho county and recover.' 
The captain gave evident signs of confusion : 
and I, after having commanded the coachman 
to stop, opened the door, iumped out, and in- 
vited the warrior to follow me. But, finding 
him backward and astonished, I took his pis- 
tols, and, giving them to Strap, who had by 
this time alighted and trembled very much, I 
mounted on horseback ; and, taking my own 
(which I could better depend upon) from the 
holsters, cocked them both, and faced the 
rofcbors, who were now very near us. Seeing 
mo ready to oppose them on horseback, and 
another man armed a-foot, they made a halt 
at some distance to reconnoitre us : and after 
having rode round us twice, myself still facing 
about as they rode, went off tho same way 
they came, at a hand gallop. A gentleman's 
servant coming up with a horse at the samo 
time, I offered him a crown to assist me in pur- 
suing them, which he no sooner accepted, than 
I armed him with the officer's pLstols, and we 
galloped after the thieves, who, trusting to 
the swiftness of their horses, stopped till wo 
came within shot of them, and then, firing at 
us, put their nags to the full speed. We fol- 
lowed them as fast as our beasts could carry 
lis ; bat, not being so well mounted as they, 
our efforts would have been to little purpose, 
had not the horse of one of them stumbled, 
and thrown his rider with such violence over 
his head, that he lay senseless when we came 
up, and was taken without the least oppo- 
sition ; while his comrade consulted his own 
safety in flight, without regarding the distress 



144 



BOBERICK RANDOM. 



of hi3 friend. We scarce had time to make 
ourselves masters of his arms, and tie his 
hands together, before he recovered his senses, 
when, learning his situation, he affected sur- 
prise, demanded to know by A\hat authority 
we used a gentleman in that manner, and had 
the impudence to threaten us with a prose- 
cution for robbery. In the meantime, we 
perceived Strap comin<? up with a crowd of 
people, armed with different kinds of wea- 
pons ; and among the rest a farmer, who no 
sooner perceived the thief, whom we had 
secm-ed, than he cried with great emotion, 
' There's the fellow who robbed me an hour 
ago of twenty pounds, in a canvas bag.' He 
was immediately searched, and the money 
found exactly as it had been described ; upon 
which, we committed him to the charge of 
the countrj'man, who carried him to the town 
of Hounslow, which, it seems, tlic farmer had 
alarmed ; and I, having satisfied the footman 
for his trouble, according to promise, returned 
with Strap to the coach, where I found the 
captain and lawyer busy in administering 
smelling bottles and cordials to the grave 
lady, who had gone into a lit at the noise of 
the tiring. 

\Vh en I had taken my seat, Miss Snapper, who 
from the coach had seen everything that hap- 
pened, made me a compliment on m j' behaviour, 
and said she was glad to see me returned with- 
out having received any injur}' ; her mother too 
owned herself obliged to my resolution : and 
the lawyer told me, that I was entitled by act 
of pai-liament to a rewai-d of forty pounds, 
for having apprehended a highwayman. The 
soldier observed, with a countenance in which 
impudence and shame struggling, i)roduccd 
some disorder, that if I had not been in such 
a d — d hurry to get out of the coach, he would 
have secured the rogues effectually, without 
all this bustle and loss of time, by a scheme 
which my heat and precipitation ruined. ' IJpr 
my own part,' continued he, ' I am always ex- 
tremely cool on these occasions.' ' So it ap- 
peared, by your trembling,' said the young 
lady. ' Death and d — tion ! ' cried he, ' your 
sex protects you, madam ; if any man on earth 
durst tell me so much, I'd send him to hell, 
d — n my heart ! in an instant.' So saying, 
he fixed his eyes upon me, and asked if I had 
seen him tremble ? I answered without hesi- 
tation, ' Yes.' ' D — me, sir,' said he, ' d'ye 
doubt my courage ?' I replied, ' Very much.' 
This declaration quite disconcerted him. He 
looked blank, and pronounced with a falter- 
ing voice, 'Oh! it's very well: d — n my 
blood ! I sh.all find a time.' I signified my 
contempt of him, by thrusting my tongue in 
my cheek, which humbled him so much, that 
he scarce sworo another oath aloud during 
the whole journey. 

The precise lady, having recruited her 
spirits by the help of some strong w.aters, 
began a soliloquy, in wliieh she wondered 
that any man, who pretended to maintain 



the character of a gentleman, could, for the 
sake of a little paltry coin, throw persons of 
honour into such quandaries as might en- 
danger their lives ; and professed her surjirise 
that women were not ashamed to commend 
such brutality. At the same time vowing, 
that for the future she would never set foot 
in a stage coach, if a private convenience 
could be had for love or money. 

Nettled at her remarks, I took the same 
method of conveying my sentiments, and 
wondered in my turn, that any woman of 
common sense should be so unreasonable as 
to expect that people, who had neither ac- 
quaintance nor connection with her, would 
tamely allow themselves to be robbed and 
maltreated, merely to indulge her capricious 
humour. I likewise confessed my astonish- 
ment at her insolence and ingratitude in 
taxing a person with brutality, who deserved 
her approbation and acknowledgment ; and 
vowed that, if ever shi-- should be assaulted 
again, I would leave her to the mercy of the 
spoiler, that she might know the value of 
my protection. 

This person of honour did not think fit to 
carry on the altercation anj' further, but 
seemed to chew the cud of her resentment 
with the crestfallen captain, while I entered 
into discoui-se with my charmer, who was the 
more plciused with my conversation, as she 
had conceived a very indifferent oi)inion of 
my intellects from my former silence. I 
should have had cause to bo equally satisfied 
with the sprightliness of her genius, could 
she have curbed her imagination with judg- 
ment ; but she laboured under such a profu- 
sion of talk, that I dreaded her unruly tongue, 
and felt by anticipation the horrors of an 
eternal clack ! However, when I considered, 
on the other hand, the joys attending the 
possession of twenty thousand pounds, I for- 
got her imperfections, seized occasion by the 
forelock, and endeavoured to insinuate my- 
self into her affection. The careful mother 
kept a strict watch over her, and, though she 
could not help behaving civilly to me, took 
frequent opportunities of discouraging our 
communication, by reprimanding her for 
being so free with strangers, and telling her 
she must learn to spealv less and think more. 
Abridged of the use of sjieech, we conversed 
with our eyes, and I found the young lady 
very eloquent in this kind of discourse. In 
short, I had reason to believe that she was 
sick of the old gentlewoman's tuition, and 
that I should find it no difficult matter to 
supersede her authority. 

When we arrived at the place where wo 
were to breakfast, I alighted, and helped my 
mistress out of the coach, as well as her 
mother, who called for a priv.ate room, to 
which they withdrew, in order to cat by 
themselves. As they retired together, I per- 
ceived that Miss had got more twists from 
nature than I had before observed for she 



BODERICK EAND03T. 



145 



was bent sideways into the figure of an S, so 
that her progrossion very much resembled 
that of a crab. The prude also chose the 
captain for her messmate, and ordered break- 
fast for two only, to be brought into another 
separate room : while the lawyer and 1, de- 
serted by the rest of the company, were fain 
to put up with each other. I was a pood 
deal chagrined at the stately reserve of Mrs. 
Snapper, who, I thought, did not use me with 
all the complaisance I deserved ; and my com- 
panion declared that he had been a traveller 
for twenty years, and never knew the stage 
coach rules so much infringed before. As for 
the honorable gentlewoman, I could not con- 
ceive the meaning of her attachment to the 
lieutenant ; and asked the lawyer if he knew 
for which of the soldier's virtues she admired 
him ? The counsellor facetiously replied, ' I 
suppose the lady knows him to be an able 
conveyancer, and wants him to make a settle- 
ment in tail.' I could not help laughing at 
the archness of the barrister, who entertained 
me during breakfast with a great deal of wit 
of the same kind, at the expense of our fellow- 
travellers ; and among other things said, he 
was sorry to find the young lady satldled with 
such incumbrances. 

When we had made an end of our repast, 
and paid our reckoning, we went into the 
coach, took our places, and bribed the driver 
■with sixpence to revenge us on the rest of 
his fare, by hun-ying them away in the midst 
of their meal. This task he performed to 
our satisfaction, after he had disturbed their 
enjoyment with his importunate clamour. 
The mother and daughter obeyed the sum- 
mons first, and, coming to the coach door, 
were obliged to desire the coachman's assist- 
ance to get in, because the lawyer and I had 
agreed to show our resentment by our neglect. 
They were no sooner seated, than the captain 
appeared, as much heated as if he had been 
pursued a dozen miles by an enemy ; and im- 
mediately after him came the lady, not with- 
out some marks of disorder. Having helped 
her up, ho entered himself, growling a few 
oaths against the coachman for his imperti- 
nent interruption ; and the lawyer comforted 
him by saying, that if he had sutfered a nisi 
2)n«s through the obstinacy of the defendant, 
he might have an opportunity to join issue at 
the next stage. This last expression gave 
offence to the grave gentlewoman, who told 
him, if she was a man, she would make him 
repent of such obscenity, and thanked God 
r.he had never been in such company before. 
At this insinuation the captain thought him- 
self under a necessity of espousing the lady's 
cause ; and accordingly threatened to cut 
off the lawyer's ears, if he should give his 
tongue any such liberties for the future. The 
poor counsellor begged pardon, and universal 
silence ensued. 



CHAPTER LV. 

I resolve to ingratiate myself with the Mother, 
and am favoured by accident — the precise 
Lady finds tier Husband, and quits the 
Coach — the Captain is disappinnted. of his 
dinner — we arrive at Bath — / accompany 
Miss Snapper to the Long-room, vhere she 
is attacked by Beau, Naslt., and turns the 
Laui/h against him — I make love to her, and 
receive a Check — Squire her to an Assembly, 
where I am blessed with a Sight af my dear 
Narcissa, which discomposes me so much, 
tJiat Miss Snapper, obse)-viiuj my disorder, 
is at j)ains to discover the Cause — isjJi^ut'tl 
at the Occasion, and, in our Way home, 
2)ays me a sarcastic Compliment— I am met 
by Miss Williams, who is the Maid and Con- 
fiiUintc of Narcissa — she acquaints me with 
her Lady's regard for me while under the 
disguise of a Servant, and describes the 
Transports of Narcissa on seeing me at the 
Assembly, in the Character of a Gentleman 
— / am surpnsed with an Account of her 
AunVs Marriage, andmake an Appointment 
to meet Miss Williams nt'a'f day. 

DURING this unsocial interval, my pride 
and interest maintained a severe conflict 
on the subject of Miss Snapper, whom the one 
represented as unworthy of notice, and the 
other proposed as the object of my whole at- 
tention : the advantages and disadvantages 
attending such a match were opposed to one 
another by my imagination ; and, at length, 
my judgment gave it so much in favour of 
the first, that I resolved to prosecute my 
scheme with all the address in my power. I 
thought I perceived some concern in her coun- 
tenance, occasioned by my silence, which she, 
no doubt, imputed to my disgust at her mo- 
ther's behaviour ; and, as I believed the old 
woman could not fail of ascribing my mute- 
ness to the same motive, I determined to con- 
tinue that sullen conduct towards her, and 
fall upon some other method of manifesting 
my esteem for the daughter ; nor was it diffi- 
cult for me to make her acquainted with my 
sentiments by the expression of my looks, 
which I modelled into the character of humi- 
lity and love ; and which were answered by 
her with all the sympathy and approbation I 
could desire. But when I began to consider, 
that, without further opportunities of improv- 
ing my success, all the progress I had hitherto 
made would not much avail, and that such 
opportunities could not be enjoyed without 
the mother's permission, I concluded it would 
be requisite to vanquish her coldness and sus- 
picion by my assiduities and respectful beha- 
viour on the road ; and she would, in all like- 
lihood, invite me to visit her at Bath, where 
I did not fear of being able to cultivate her 
acquaintance as much as would be necessary 
to the accomplishment of my purpose. And 
indeed accident furnished me with an oppor- 
tunity of obliging her so piucU that she coulcl 



14G 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



not, with any appearance of good manners, 
forbear to gratify my inclination. 

When we arrived at our dining-place, wo 
found all the eatables at the inn bespoke by a 
certain nobleman, who had got the start of us, 
and, in all likelihood, my mistress and her 
mother must have dined -with Doke Hum- 
phrej', had I not exerted myself in their be- 
half, and bribed the landlord with a glass of 
wine to curtail his lordship's entertainment 
of a couple of fowls and some bacon, which I 
Bent with my compliments to the ladies. They 
accepted mj'^ treat -nath a great many thanks, 
and desired I would favour them with my com- 
pany at dinner, where I amused the old gentle- 
woman so successfully, by maintaining a seem- 
ingly disinterested ease in the midst of my 
civility, that she signified a desire of being 
better acquainted, and hoped I would be so 
kind as to see her sometimes at Bath. While 
I enjoyed myself in this manner, the precise 
lady had the good fortune to meet with her 
husband, who was no other than gentleman, 
or, in other words, valet-de-chamhre, to the 
very nobleman whose coach stood at the door. 
Proud of the interest she had in the house, 
she affected to show her power by introducing 
the captain to her spouse as a person who had 
treated her with great civility, upon which ho 
was invited to a share of their dinner ; while 
the poor lawyer, finding himselt utterly aban- 
doned, made application to me, and was 
through my intercession admitted into our 
company. Having satisfied our a]ipetites, and 
made ourselves merry at the expense of the 
person of honour, the civil captain, and com- 
plaisant husband, I <lid myself the pleasure of 
discharging the liill by stealth, for which I 
received a great many apologies and acknow- 
ledgments from my guests, and we rc-eni- 
barked at the first warning. The officer was 
obligeil, at last, to appease his hunger with a 
luncheon of l>read and cheese, and a pint 
bottle of brandy, whicli ho dispatched in the 
coach, cursing the inappetence of his lordship, 
who had ordered dinner to be put back a 
whole hour. 

Nothing remarkable happened during the 
remaining part of our journey, which was 
finished next day, when I waited on the 
ladies to the house of a relation, in which 
they intended to lodge, and, pas?injf that 
night at the inn, took lodgings in the morning 
for myself. 

The forenoon was spent in visiting every- 
thing that was worth seeing in the place, in 
company with a gentleman to whom Banter 
had given me a letter of introduction ; and 
in the afternoon I waited on the ladies, and 
found Miss a good deal indisposed with the 
fatigue of the journey. As they foresaw they 
should have occasion for a male acquaintance 
to squire them at all public places, I was re- 
ceived with great cordiality, and had the 
mother's permission to conduct them next 
d.ay to tho Long Eoom, which wo no sooner 
entered, than tlae eyes of everybody present 



were turned upon us ; and, when we had 
suffered tlie martyrdom of their looks for 
some time, a whisper circulated at our ex- 
pense, which was accompanied with many 
contemptuous smiles and tittering observa- 
tions, to my utter shame and confusion. I 
did not so much conduct as follow. my charge 
to a place where she seated her mother and 
herself with astonishing composure, notwith- 
standing the unmannerly behanour of the 
whole company, which seemed to be assumed 
merely to put her out of countenance. Tlie 
celebrated Mr. Nash, who commonly attends 
in this place, as master of the ceremonies, 
perceiving tlio disposition of the assembly, 
took uj oa himself the task of gratifying their 
ill-natuie still further, by exposing my mis- 
tress to the edge of his wit. With this view 
he approached us, with many bows and 
grimaces, and, after having welcomed Miss 
Snapper to the place, asked her, in the hearing 
of all present, if she could inform him of tho 
name of Tobit's dog. I was so much in- 
censed at his insolence, that I should certainly 
have kicked him where ho stood, without cere- 
mony, had not the young lady prevented tho 
cfi'ccts of ray indignation, by replj'ing with 
the utmost vivacity, ' His -name was Nash, 
and an impudent dog he was.' This repartee, 
so unexpected and just, raised such a uni- 
versal laugh at the aggressor, that all his 
assurance was insufficient to support him 
under their dei'ision; so tliat, after he had 
endeavoured to compose himself by taking 
snuff and forcing a smile, he was obliged to 
sneak off in a very ludicrous attitude ; while 
my Dulcinea was applauded to the skies for 
the brilliancy of her wit, and her acquain- 
tance immediately courted by tho best people 
of both sexes in the room. 

This event, with which I was infinitely 
pleased at first, did not fail of alarming me, 
upon farther reflection, when I considered, 
that the more she was caressed by persons of 
distinction, the more her pride would bo in- 
flamed, and consequently, tho obstacles to my 
success multiplied and enlarged. Nor were 
my presaging fears untrue. That very night 
I perceived her a little intoxicated with the 
incense she had received, and, though, she 
still behaved with a particular civility to mo, 
I foresaw, that, as soon as her fortune should 
be known, she would be surrounded with a 
swarm of admirers, some one of whom might 
possibly, by excelling me in point of wealth, 
or in the arts of flattery and scandal, sup- 
plant mo in her esteem, and find means to 
make tho mother of his party. I resolved 
therefore to lose no time, and, being invited 
to spend tho evening with them, found an op- 
portunity, in spite of the old gentlewoman's 
vigilance, to explain the meaning of my 
glances in the coach, by paying homage to 
her wit, and professing myself enamoured of 
her person. She blu.shed at my declaration, 
and in a flxvourablo manner disapproved of 
the liberty I had taken, putting me in mind 



nODERICK RANDOM. 



W 



of our being strangers to each other, and 
desiring I would not be the means of inter- 
rupting our acquaintance, by any such un- 
seasonable strokes of gallantry for the future. 
My ardour was effectually checked by this re- 
primand, which was, however, delivered in 
such a gentle manner, that I had no cause to 
be disobliged ; and the arrival of her motlier 
relieved me from a dilemma in which I should 
not have known how to demean myself a 
minute longer. Neither could I resume the 
easiness of carriage with which I came in ; 
my mistress acted on the rcscr%'e, and tho 
conversation beginning to flag, the old lady 
introduced her kinswoman of the house, and 
proposed a hand at whist. 

While we amused ourselves at this diver- 
sion, I understood from the gentlewoman, 
that there was to be an assembly next night, 
at which I begged to have tho honour of 
dancing with Miss. She thanked me for tho 
favour I intended her, assured me slio never 
did dance, but signified a desire of seeing 
the company, when I offered my service, 
wliich was accepted, not a little proud of 
being exempted from appearing with her in a 
situation, that,notwitb.->tandingmy profession 
to tho contrary, was not at all agreeable to 
my inclination. 

Having suj)pcd, and continued tho game, 
till such time as tho successive yawns of tho 
mother warned mo to bo gone, I took my 
leave, and wont homo, where I made Strap 
very happy with an account of my progress. 
Next day I put on my gayest apparel, and 
went to drink tea at Mrs. Snapper's, accord- 
ing to appointment, when I found, to my Ln- 
exjjressiblo satisfaction, that sho was laid up 
with the toothache, and that Miss wivs to bo 
intruste<l to my care. Accordingly, we set out 
for the ball-room jjretty early in tho evening, 
and took possession of a commodious place, 
where we had not sat longer than a quarter of 
an hour, when a gentleman, dressed in a 
gi-een frock, came in, leading a young lady, 
whom I immediately discovered to ho tho 
adorable Narcissa ! Good heaven ! what were 
tho thrillings of my soul at that instant! my 
reflection was overwhelmed with a torrent of 
agitation ! my heart throbbed with surprisuig 
violence ! a sudden mist oversprcafl my eyes ! 
my ears were invaded with a dreadful sound! 
I panted for want of breath, and, in short, 
was for some moments entranced ! This first 
tumult subsiding, a crowd of flattering 
ideas rushed upon my imagination. Every- 
thing that was soft, sensible, and engaging, 
in the character of that dear creatiu-o re- 
curred to my remembrance, and every favour- 
able circumstance of my own qualifications 
appeared in all tho aggravation of self-con- 
ceit, to heighten my expectation I Neither 
was this transport of long duration. The 
dread of her being already disposed of inter- 
vened, and overcast my enchanting reverie ! 
My presaging apprehension represented her 
encircled in the arms of some happy rival, 



and of consequence for ever lost to me. I 
was stung with this suggestion, and, beliov 
ing the person who conducted her to be tho 
husband of this amiable young lady, already 
devotod him to my fury, and stood up to 
mark him for my vengeance ; when I re- 
collected, to my unspeakable joy, her 
brother the fox-hunter, in the person of her 
gallant. 

Undeceived so much to my satisfaction in 
this particular, I gazed in a frenzy of de- 
light on the irresistible charms of his sister, 
who no sooner distinguished me in the crowd, 
than her evident confusion afforded a happy 
omen to my flame. At sight of mo sho 
started, the roses instantly vanished from 
her polished cheeks, and returned in a mo- 
ment with a double glow, that overspread 
her lovely neck, while her enchanting bosom 
heaved with strong emotion. I hailed theso 
favourable symptoms, and, lying in wait for 
her looks, did homage with my eyes. Sho 
seemed to approve mj- declaration, by tho 
complacency of her aspect ; and I was so 
transported with the discovery, that more than 
once I was on the point of making up to her, 
to disclose tho throbbings of my heart in 
persoft, had not that profound veneration, 
which her presence always inspired, restrained 
fho unseasonable impiilsc. All my powers 
being engrossed in this manner, it may easily 
bo imagined how ill I entertained Miss Snap- 
per, on whom I could not now turn iny eyes, 
without making comparisons very little to 
her advantage. It was not even in my power 
to return distinct answers to the questions 
sho asked from time to time, so that she could 
not help observing my absence of mind ; and 
having a turn for observation, watched my 
jjlances, and, tracing them to tho divine ob- 
ject, discovered the cau.so of my disorder. 
That she might, however, bo convinced of tho 
truth of her conjecture, she began to intci"- 
rojjato mo with regard to Narcissa, and, not- 
withstanding all my endeavours to disguise 
my sentiments, perceived my attachment by 
my confusion : upon which, she assumed a 
stateliness of behaviour, and sat silent during 
tho remaining part of tho entertainment. At 
any other time, her suspicion Avonld havo 
alarmed me : but now I wiis elevated by my 
passion above eveiy other consideration. 
The mistress of my soul having retired with 
her brother, I discovered so much uneasiness 
at my situation, that Miss Snapper proposed 
to go homo ; and, while I conducted her to a 
chair, told mo she had too gi'cat a regard for 
mc to keep me any longer in torment. I 
feigned ignorance of her meaning, and, hav- 
ing seen her safely at her lodgings, took 
my leave, and went home iii an ecstasy, where 
I disclosed everything that had happened to 
my confidant and humble servant, Strap, 
who did not relish the accident so well a:? I 
expected ; and observed, that a bird in the 
hand is worth two in the bush. But, how- 
ever,' said he, 'you know best — ^you know 



148 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



best.' Next day, as I Avent to the Pump 
Room, in hopes of seeing or hearing some 
tidings of my fair enslaver, I was met by a 
gentlewoman, who, having looked hard at 
me, cried, ' O Christ, Mr. Random !' surprised 
at this exclamation, I examined the counte- 
nance of the person who spoke, and immedi- 
ately recognised my old sweetheart and fellow 
sufferer. Miss \Villiam3. 

I was mightily pleased to find this unfortu- 
nate woman under such a decent appearance, 
professed my joy at seeing her so well, 
and desired to know where I should have 
the pleasure of her conversation. She was as 
heartily rejoiced at the apparent easiness of 
my fortune, and gave me to know that she, 
as yet, had no habitation that she could 
properly caU her own ; but would wait on me 
at any place I should please to a.ppoint. Un- 
derstanding that she was unengaged for the 
present, I showed her the way to my own lodg- 
ings, where, after a very affectionate salutation , 
she informed me of her being very happy in 
the service of a young lady, to whom she 
was recommended by a former mistress de- 
ceased, into whose family she had recommended 
herself by the honest deceit she had con- 
certed, wiiile she lived with me in the garret 
at London. She then expressed a vehement 
desire to bo acquainted with the vicissitudes 
of my life since we parted, and excused her 
curiosity on account of the concern she had 
for my interest. I forthwith gratified her 
request, and, when I described my situation 
in Sussex, perceived her to attend to my 
story with particular eagerness. She inter- 
rupted me, when I had finished that period, 
with, ' Good God ! is it possible ?' and then 
begged I would be so good as to continue my 
relation ; which I did as briefly as I could, 
burning with impatience to know the cause 
of her surprise, about which I had already 
formed a verj' interesting conjecture. 

When I had brought my adventures down 
to th<3 present day, she seemed very much 
affected with the different circumstances 
of my fortune ; and saying, with a smile, 
she believed my distresses were now at a 
period, proceeded to inform me, that the 
lady Avhom she served was no other than the 
charming Narcissa, who had honoured her 
with her confidence for some time ; in conse- 
quence of which trust, she had often repeated 
the story of John Brown with great admira- 
tion and regard; that she loved to dwell upon 
the particulars of his character, and did not 
scruple to own a tender approbation of his 
flame. I became delirious at this piece of 
intelligence, strained Miss Williams in my 
embraco, called her the angel of my happiness, 
and acted such extravagances, that she might 
have been convinced of my sincerity, had she 
not been satisfied of my honour before. As 
soon as I was in condition to yield attention, 
she described the present situation of her 
mistress, who had no sooner reached her lodg- 
ings the night before, than she closeted her, 



and in a rapture of joy gave her to know 
that she had seen me at the ball, where I 
appeared in the character which she always 
thought my due, with such advantage of 
transformation that, unless my image had 
been engraven on her heart, it would have 
been impossible to know me for the person 
who had worn her aunt's livery ; that by the 
language of my eyes, she was assured of the 
continuance of my passion for her, and con- 
sequently of my being unengaged to any 
other ; and that, though she did not doubt I 
would speedily fall xipon some method of 
being introduced, she was so impatient to 
hear of me, that she (Miss Williams) had 
been sent abroad this very morning, on pur- 
pose to learn the name and character I at 
present bore . My bosom had been hitherto 
a stranger to such a flood of joy as now 
rushed upon it ; my faculties were overborne 
by the tide ; it was some time before I could 
open ni}^ mouth, and much longer ere I could 
utter a coherent sentence. At length, I fer- 
vently requested her to lead me immediately 
to the object of my adoration ; but she 
resisted my importunity, and explained the 
danger of such premature conduct. ' How 
favourable soever,' said she, ' my lady's incli- 
nation towards you may be, you may depend 
upon it, she will not commit the smallest 
trespass on decorum, either in disclosing her 
own, or in receiving a declaration of your 
passion : and, although the great A'eneration 
I have for you has prompted me to reveal 
what she communicated to me in confidence, 
I know so well the severity of her sentiments 
with respect to the punctilios of her sex that, 
if she should learn the least surmise of it, 
she would not only dismiss me as a wretch 
unworthy of her benevolence, but also for 
ever shun the efforts of your love.' I assented 
to the justness of her remonstrance, and 
desired she would assist me with her advice 
and direction -. upon which it was concerted 
between us, that for the present I should be 
contented Avith her telling Narcissa that, in 
the course of her inquiries, she could only 
learn my name : and that, if, in a day or tAVO, 
I could fall upon no other method of being 
introduced to hor mistress, she would deliver 
a letter from me, on pretence of consulting 
her happiness ; and say that I met her in the 
streets, and bribed her to this piece of service. 
Matters being thus adjusted, I kept my old 
acquaintance to breakfast, and learned from 
her conversation, thn,t my rival Sir Timothy 
had drunk himself into an apoplexy, of which 
he died five months ago ; that the savage was 
still unmarried ; and that his aunt had been 
seized Avith a Avhim Avhich he little expected, 
and chosen the schoolmaster of the parish 
for her lord and hiisband : but matrimony 
not agreeing Avith her constitution, she had 
been hectic and dropsical a good Avhile, and 
was now at Bath, in order to drink the Avaters 
for the recoA'cry of her health; that her niece 
had accompanied her thither at her request, 



I 



RODMtCK kANDOM. 



149 



and attended her with the same affection as 
before, notwithstanding the mistake she had 
committed : and that the nephew, who had 
been exasperated at the loss of her fortune, 
did not give his attendance out of good will, 
but purely to have an eye on his sister, lest 
she should likewise throw herself away with- 
out his consent or approbation. Having 
enjoyed ourselves in this manner, and made 
an assignation to meet next day at a certain 
place. Miss Williams took her leave ; and 
Strap's looks being very inquisitive about the 
nature of the communication subsisting 
between us, I made him acquainted with the 
whole affair, to his great astonishment and 
satisfaction. 



CHAPTER LVI. 

I become acquainted with Narcissa's Brother, 
who invites me to his House, where I am 
introduced to that adorable Creature — after 
Dinner, the Squire retires to ta1;e his nap — 
Freeman, guessing the Situation of my 
Thoughts, icithdraus lilcc^vise on jjretencc of 
Busiiiess — I declare my passion to Narcissa 
— am well received— charmed with her Con- 
versation — the Squire detains us to Su^jjjci- 
— I elude his design by a Stratagem, and 
get home sober, 

IN the afternoon, I drank tea at the house 
of Mr. Freeman, to whom I had been 
recommended by Banter ; where I had not 
sat five minutes, till the foxhunter came in, 
and by his familiar behaviour appeared to be 
intimate with my friend. I was, at first, 
imder some concern, lest he should recollect 
my features ; but when I found myself intro- 
duced to him as a gentleman from London, 
A\athout being discovered, I blessed the oppor- 
tunity that brought me into his company ; 
hoping that, in the coiirse of my acquaintance, 
he would invite me to his house ; nor were my 
hopes frustrated, for, as we spent the evening 
together, he grew extremely fond of my conver- 
sation, asked a great many childish questions 
about France and foreign parts ; and seemed 
so highly entertained with my answers, that 
in his cups he shook me often by the hand, 
pronounced me an honest fellow, and in fine 
desired our company at dinner next day, at 
his own house. My imagination was so much 
employed in anticipating the happiness I was 
to enjoy next day, that I slept very little that 
night ; but, rising early in the morning, went 
to the place appointed, where I met my she- 
friend, and imparted to her my success with 
the squire. She was very much pleased at 
the occasion, ' which,' she said, ' could not fail 
of being agreeable to Narcissa, who, in spite 
of her passion for me, had mentioned some 
scruples relating to my true situation and 
character, which the delicacy of her senti- 
ments suggested, and which she believed I 
would find it necessary to remove, though she 
did not know how.' I was a good deal startled 



at this insinuation, because 1 foresaw tho 
difficulty I should find in barely doing myself 
justice : for, although it never was my inten- 
tion to impose myself upon any woman, much 
less on Narcissa, as a man of fortune, I laid 
claim to the character of a gentleman by 
birth, education, and behaviour ; and yet (so 
unlucky had the circumstances of my life 
fallen out) I should find it a very hard matter 
to make good my pretensions even to these, 
especially to the last, which was the most 
essential. Miss Williams was as sensible as I 
of this my disadvantage, but comforted me with 
observing that, when once a wonian has be- 
stowed her affections on a man, she cannot 
help judging of him in all respects with a 
partiality easily influenced in his favour : she 
remarked that, although some situations of 
my life had been low, yet none of them had 
been infamous ; that my indigence had been 
the crime not of me, but of fortune ; and that 
the miseries I had undergone, by improving 
the faculties both of mind and body, qualified 
me the more for any dignified station ; and 
would of consequence recommend me to the 
good graces of any sensible woman : she 
therefore advised me to be always open and 
unreserved to the inquiries of my mistress, 
without unnecessarily betraying the meanest 
occurrences of my fate ; and trust to the 
strength of her love and reflection for the 
rest. 

The sentiments of this sensible young wo- 
man on this, as well as on almost every other 
subject,perfectly agreed "vWth mine. I thanked 
her for the care she took of my interests, and, 
promising to behave mj'self according to her 
directions, we parted, after she had assured 
me that I might depend iipon her best offices 
with her mistress, and that she would from 
time to time communicate to me such intelli- 
gence as she could procure, relating to my 
flame. Having dressed myself to the best 
advantage, I waited for the time of dinner 
with the most fearful impatience ; and, as the 
hour drew nigh, my heart beat with such 
increased velocity, and my spirits contracted 
such disorder, that I began to suspect my 
resolution, and even to wish myself disen- 
gaged. At last Mr. Freeman called at my 
lodgings in his way, and I accompanied him 
to the house where all my happiness was 
deposited. We were very kindly received by 
the squire, who sat smoking his pipe in a 
parlour, and asked if we chose to drink any- 
thing before dinner : though I never had more 
occasion for a cordial, I was ashamed to 
accept his offer, which was also refused by 
mj^ friend. We sat down, however, and en- 
tered into conversation, which lasted half-an- 
hour, so that I had time to recollect myself ; 
and (so capricious were my thoughts) even to 
hope that Narcissa would not appear — when, 
all of a sudden, a servant coming in, gave u.s 
notice that dinner was upon the table, and 
my perturbation returned with such violence 
that I could scarcely conceal it from the com- 



150 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



pauy, as I ascended the staircase. When I 
entered the dining-room, the first object that 
sall^ted my ravished eyes was the divine 
Narcissa, blushing like Aurora, adorned vk'ith 
all the graces that meekness, innocence, and 
beauty can diffuse! I was seized with a 
giddmess, my knees tottered, and I scarce 
had strength enough to perform the ceremony 
of salutation, when her brother, slapping me 
on the shoulder, cried, ' Measter Eandam 
that there is my sister.' I approached her with 
eagerness and fear ; but in the moment of our 
embrace, my soul was agonized with rapture ' 
It was a lucky circumstance for us both, that 
my entertainer was not endued with an un- 
common stock of penetration; for our mutual 
confusion was so manifest, that Mr. Freeman 
perceived it, and as we went home together, 
congratulated me on my good fortune. But 
so far was Bruin from entertaining the least 
suspicion, that he encouraged me to begin a 
conversation with my mistress in a languao-e 
unknown to him, by telling her, that he had 
brought agentleman who could jabberwith her 
in French and other foreign lingos as fast as 
she pleased ; then, turning to me, said, ' Odds 
bobs ! I wish you would hold discourse with 
her in your French or Italiano, and tell me if 
she understands it as well as she woiUd bo 
thought to do. There's her aunt and she will 
chatter together Avhole days in it, and I can't 
have a mouthful of English for love or money.' 
I consulted the look of my amiable mistress, 
and found her averse to his proposal, which 
indeed she declined with a sweetness of denial 
peculiar to herself, as a piece of disrespect to 
that part of the company which did not tui- 
derstand the language in question. As I hatl 
the happiness of sitting opposite to her, I 
feasted my eyes much more than my palate, 
which she tempted in vain Avith the most deli- 
cious bits carved by her fair hand, and recom- 
mended by her persuasive tongue ; but all my 
other appetites were swallowed up in the im- 
mensity of my love, which I fed by gazing inces- 
santly on the delightful object. Dinner was 
scarcely ended, when .the squire became very 
drowsy, and after several dreadful yawns, got 
up, stretched himself, took two or three turns 
across the room, begged wo would allow him 
totakea short nap, and, having laid a strong 
injunction on his sister to detain us till his 
return, went to his repose without further 
ceremony. He had not been gone many 
minutes, Avhen Freeman, guessing the situa- 
tion of my heart, and thinking he could not 
do me a greater favour than to leave me alone 
with Narcissa, pretended to recollect himself 
all of a sudden, and, starting up, begged the 
iady s pardon for half-an-hour, for he had 
unluckily remembered an engagement of some 
consequence, that he must perform at that 
instant: so saying, he took his leave, pro- 
mising to come back time enough for tea, 
leaving my mistress and me in great con- 
tusion. 

Now that I enjoyed an opportunity of dis- 



closing the pantings of my soul, I had not 
power to use it. I studied many pathetic 
declarations, but, when I attempted to give 
them utterance, my tongue denied its office, 
and she sat silent with a downcast look full 
ot anxious alarm, her bosom heaving with 
expectation of some great event. At length 
i endeavoured to put an end to this solemn 
pause, and began with, ' It is very surprising 
madam madam'— Here the sound dying 
away, I made a full stop ; while Narcissa, 
starting, blushed, and, with a timid accent 
answered, "Sir?" Confounded at this note 
ot interrogation, I pronounced with the most 
sheepish bashfulness, ' Madam !' To which 
she replied, ' I beg pardon— I thought you 
had spoken to me.' Another pause ensued— 
i made another effort, and, though my voice 
faltered very much at the beginning, made 
shift to express myself in this manner: 'I 
^^'' i'?^*^^"^' it is very surprising that love : 
should act so inconsistently with itself, as to > 
deprive its votaries of the use of their facul- 
ties, when they have most need of them, 
bmce the happy occasion of being alone with 
you presented itself, I have made many un- 
successful attempts to declare a passion for 
the loveliest of her sex— a passion which took 
possession of my soul, while my cruel fate 
compelled mo to wear a servile disguise so • 
unsuitable to my birth, sentiments, and let 
me add, my deserts; yet favourable in one 
respect, as it furnished me with opportunities 
of seeing and adoring your perfections. Yes, 
madam, it was then your dear idea entered 
my bosom, where it has lived unimpaired ia 
the midst of numberless cares, and ani- 
mated me against a thousand dangers and 
calamities!' 

While I spoke thus, she concealed her face ! 
with her fan, and when I ceased speaking, 
recovering herself from the most beautiful 
confusion, told me she thought herself very 
much obliged by mj favourable opinion of 
her, and that she was very sorry to hear I 
had been unfortunate. Encouraged by this 
gentle reply, I proceeded, owned myself suffi- 
ciently recompensed by her kind compassion 
lor what I had undergone, and declared that 
the future happiness of my life depended 
solely upon her. ' Sir,' said she, ' I should be 
very ungrateful, if after the signal protection 
you once afforded me, I should refuse to con- 
tribute towards your happiness in any reason- 
able condescension.' Transported at this 
acknowledgment, I threw myself at her feet, 
and begged she would regard my passion 
with a favourable eye : she was alarmed at 
my behaviour, entreated me to rise lest her 
brother should discover me in that postm-e, 
and to spare her for the present upon a sub- 
ject for which she was altogether unprepared. 
In consequence of this remonstrance, I rose, 
assuring her I would rather die than disobey 
her : but in the meantime begged her to con- 
sider how precious the minutes of this oppor- 
tunity Avcre, and what restraint I put upon 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



151 



my inclinations, in sacrificing them to her 
desire. She smiled with imspeak'able sweet- 
ness, and said there would be no want of 
opportunities, provided I could maintain the 
good opinion her brother had conceived of 
me; and I, enchanted by her charms, seized 
her hand, which I well nigh devoured with 
kisses. But she checked my boldness with a 
severity of countenance, and desired I would 
not so far forget myself to her, as to endanger 
the esteem she had for me ; she reminded me 
of our being almost strangers to each other, 
and of the necessity there was for her knowing 
me better, before she could take any reso- 
lution in my favour ; and, in short, mingled 
so much good sense and complacency in her 
reproof, that I became as much enamoured of 
her understanding as I had been before of 
her beauty, and asked pardon for my pre- 
sumption with the utmost reverence of con- 
viction. She forgave my offence with her 
usual affability, and sealed my pardon with a 
look so full of bewitching tenderness, that, 
for some minutes, my senses were lost in 
ecstacy ! I afterwards endeavoured to regu- 
late my behaviour according to her desire, 
and turn the conversation upon a more in- 
different subject ; Jput her presence was an 
insurraoiintable obstacle to my design ; wliUe 
I beheld so much excellence, I found it im- 
possilile to call my attention from the con- 
templation of it ! I gazed with unutterable 
fondness ! I grew mad with admiration ! 
'My condition is insupportable !' cried I : ' I 
am distracted with passion ! Why are you 
so exquisitely fair ? — why are yoii so enchant- 
ingly good ? — why has nature dignified you 
with charms so much above the standard of 
woman ? and, wretch that I am, how dares 
my unworthiness aspire to the enjoyment of 
such perfection !' 

She was startled at my ravings, reasoned 
down my transport, and by her irresistible 
eloquence, soothed my soul into a state of 
tranquil felicity ; but, lest I might siiffer a re- 
lapse, industriously promoted other subjects 
to entertain my imagination. She chid me 
for having omitted to inquire about her aunt, 
who (she assured me), in the midst of all her 
absence of temper, and detachment from com- 
mon affairs, often talked of me with uncom- 
mon warmth. I professed my veneration for 
the good lady, excused my omission, by im- 
puting it to the violence of ray love, which 
engrossed my whole soul, and desired to know 
the situation of her health. Upon which, the 
amiable Narcissa repeated what I had heard 
before of her marriage, with all the tender- 
ness for her reiDutation that the subject would 
admit of ; told me she lived with her husband 
hard by, and was so much afflicted with the 
dropsy, and wasted by a consumption, that 
she had small hopes of her recovery. Having 
expressed my sorrow for her distemper, I 
questioned her about my good friend, Mrs. 
Sagel}'', who, I learned to my great satisfac- 
tion, was still in good liealtli, and who had, 



by the encomiums she bestowed upon me after 
I was gone, confirmed the favourable impres- 
sion my behaviour at parting had made on 
Narcissa's heart. This circumstance intro- 
duced an inquiry into the conduct of Sir 
Timothy Thicket who (she informed me) had 
found means to incense her brother so much 
against me that she found it impossible to 
undeceive him : but, on the contrary, suffered 
very much in her own character by his scan- 
dalous insinuations ; that the whole parish 
was alarmed, and actually in pursuit of me ; 
so that she had been in the utmost conster- 
nation on my account, well knowing how little 
my own innocence and her testimony would 
have weighed with the ignorance, prejudice, 
and brutality of those who must have judged 
me, had I been apprehended ; that Sir Timothy, 
having been seized with a fit of apoplexy, from 
which with great difficulty he was recovered, 
began to be apprehensive of death, and to 
prepare himself accordingly for that great 
event ; as a step to which lie sent for her 
brother, owned with great contrition the 
brutal design he had upon her, and of con- 
sequence acquitted me of the assault, rob- 
bery, and correspondence with her, which he 
had laid to my charge ; after which confession 
he lived about a month in a languishing con- 
dition, and was carried oft' by a second assault. 

Every word that this dear creature spoke, 
riveted the chains with which she held me 
enslaved ! My mischievous fancy began to 
work, and the tempest of my passion to wake 
again, when the return of Freeman destroj'ed 
the tempting opiDortunity, and enabled me to 
quell tl:e rising tumult. A little while after, 
the squire staggered into the room, rubbing 
his eyes, and called for his tea, which he drank 
out of a small bowl, qualified with brandy ; 
while we took it in the usual way, Narcissa 
left us in order to visit her aunt ; and when 
Freeman and I proposed to take our leave, 
the foxhunter insisted on our spending the 
evening at his house with such obstinacy of 
affection, that we were obliged to comply. 
For my own part, I should have been glad of 
the invitation, by which, in aU likelihood, I 
should be blessed with more of his sister's 
company, had I not been afraid of risking her 
esteem, by entering into a debauch of drinking 
with him, which, from the knowledge of his 
character, I foresaw would happen : but there 
was no remedy. I was forced to rely upon the 
strength of my constitution, which I hoped 
would resist intoxication longer than the 
squire's, and to trust to the good nature and 
discretion of my mistress for the rest. 

Our entertainer, resolving to begin by times, 
ordered the table to be furnished with liquor 
and glasses immediately after tea, but we ab- 
solutely refused to set in for drinking so soon ; 
and prevailed upon him to pass away an hour 
or two at whist, in which we engaged as soon 
as Narcissa returned. The savage and I hap- 
pened to be partners at first, and, as my 
thoughts were -vyholly employed in a more 



152 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



interesting game, I played so ill that he lost 
all patience, swore bitterly, and threatcnod to 
call for wine, if they would not grant him 
another associate. This desire was gratified, 
and Narcissa and I were of a side ; he won for 
the same reason that made him lose before ; I 
was satisfied, my lovely partner did not re- 
pine, and the time slipped away very agree- 
ablj', nntil w« were told, that supper was 
served in another room. 

The squire was enraged to find the evening 
so unprofitably spent, and wreaked his ven- 
geance on the cards, which he tore, and com- 
mitted to the flames with many execrations ; 
threatening to make us redeem our loss with 
a large glass and quick circulation ; and indeed 
we had no sooner supped, and my charmer 
withdrawn, than he began to put his threats 
in execution. Three bottles of port (for he 
drank no other sort of wine) were placed 
before ns, with as many water glasses, which 
were immediately filled to the brim, after his 
example, by each out of his respective allow- 
ance, and emptied in a trice to the best in 
C'hristcndoiii. Though I swallowed this, and 
the next, as fast as the glass could be re- 
plenished, without hesitation or show of re- 
luctance, I perceived that my brain would not 
be able to bear many bumpers of this sort ; 
and dreading the perseverance of a champion 
who began with such vigour, I determined to 
make up for the deficiency of my strength by 
a stratagem, which I actually put in practice 
when the second course of bottles was called 
for. The wine being strong and head}', I was 
already a good deal discomposed by the dis- 
patch we had made. Freeman's eyes began 
to reel, and Bruin himself was elevated into a 
song, which he uttered with great vocife- 
ration. When I therefore saw the second 
round brought in, I assumed a gay air, enter- 
tained him with a French catch on the subject 
of drinking, which, though he did not under- 
stand it, delighted him highly; and, telling 
him that your choice spirits at Paris never 
troubled themselves with glasses, asked if he 
had not a bowl or cup in the house that would 
contain a whole quart of wine. ' Odds nig- 
gers !' cried he, ' i have a silver caudle cup 
that holds just the quantity, for all the world ; 
fetch it hither, Numps.' The vessel being 
produced, I bade him decant his bottle into 
it, which he having done, I nodded in a very 
deliberate manner, and said, ' Pledge you.' 
He stared at me for some time, and crying, 
' Wliat ! all at one pull, measter Randan ?' I 
answered, ' At one puU, sir, you are no milk- 
sop — we shall do you justice.' ' Shall you ?' 
said he, shaking me by the hand ; ' odds then, 
I'll see it out, an't were a mile to the bottom. 
Here's to our better acquaintance, measter 
Randan.' So saying, he applied it to his lips, 
and emptied it in a breath. I knew the eff'ect 
of it would be almost instantaneous ; there- 
fore, taking the cup, began to discharge my 
bottle into it, telling him he was now quali- 
fied to drink ^vith the Chaip of Tartary. I 



had no sooner pronounced these words than 
he took umbrage at them, and after several 
attempts to spit, made shift to stutter out, 
' A f— t for your Cliams of T— Tartary ! I 
am a f — f — freebom Englishman, worth 
th — three thousand a-year, and v — value no 
man, d— me.' Then, dropping his jaw, and 
fixing his eyes, he hiceuped aloud, and fell 
upon the floor as mute as a flounder. Mr. 
Freeman, heartily glad at his defeat, assisted 
me in carrying him to bed, where we left him 
to the care of his servants, and went home to 
our respective habitations, congratulating 
each other on our good fortune. 



CHAPTER LVII. 

Miss Williams informs me of Narcissa's Ap- 
'probation of m.y Flame — I appease the Squire 
— write to ray Mistress — am blessed with an 
Ans^ver — beg Leare of her Brother to dance 
vAtlo her at a Ball — obtain his Consent and 
hers — enjoy a private Conversation with her 
— am perplexed with Reflections — have the 
Honour of appearinf) her Partner at a Ball 
— we are complimented by a certain Noble- 
man — he discovei's some Symi^toms of a Pas- 
sion for Narcissa — lam st.ung with Jealousy 
— Narcissa, alarmed, retires — I observe 
Melinda in the Company — the Squire is 
captivated by her Beauty. 

I WAS met next morning at the usual place 
by Miss Williams, who gave me joy of the 
progress I had made in the atfection of her mis- 
tress, and blessed me with an account of that 
dear creature's conversation with her, after 
she had retired the night before from our 
company. I could scarce believe her infor- 
mation, when she recounted her expressions 
in my favour, so much more warm and pas- 
sionate were they than my most sanguine 
hopes had presaged; and was particularly 
pleased to hear that she approved of my be- 
haviour to her brother after she withdrew. 
Transported at the news of my happiness, I 
presented my ring to the messenger as a tes- 
timony of my gratitude and satisfaction ; but 
she was above such mercenary considerations, 
and refused my compliment with some resent- 
ment, saying, she was not a little mortified to 
see my opinion of her so low and contemptible. 
I did myself a piece of justice by explaining 
my behaviour on this head, and to convince 
her of my esteem, promised to be ruled by her 
directions in the prosecution of the whole 
afi^air, which I had so much at heart, that the 
repose of my life depended upon the conse- 
quence. 

As I fervently wished for another interview, 
where I might pour out the effusions of my 
love without danger of being interrupted, and 
perhaps reap some endearing return from the 
queen of my desires, I implored her advice 
and assistance in promoting this event : but 
she gave me to understand, that Narcissa 
would make no precipitate coinj)liances of 



nODMlClC RANDOM. 



153 



this kind, and that I would do well to culti- 
vate her brother's acquaintance, in the course 
of which I should not want opportunities of 
removing that reserve which my mistress 
thought herself obliged to maintain during 
the infancy of our correspondence. In the 
meantime she promised to tell her lady that 
I had endeavoured by X3resents and jiersua- 
sions, to prevail upon her (Miss Williams) to 
deliver a letter from me, which she had re- 
fused to charge herself with, until she should 
know Narcissa's sentiments of the matter ; 
and said, by these means she did not doubt 
of being able to open a literary communica- 
tion between us, which could not fail of 
introducing more intimate connections. 

I approved of her counsel, and, our appoint- 
ment being renewed for the next day, left her 
with an intent of falling upon some method 
of being reconciled to the squire, who, I sup- 
posed, would be offended with the trick we 
had put upon him. With this view I con- 
sulted Freeman, who, from his knowledge of 
the foxhunter's disposition, assured me there 
was no other method of pacifying him, than 
that of sacrificing ourselves for one night to 
an equal match with him in drinking. This 
expedient I found myself necessitated to com- 
ply with for the interest of my passion, and 
therefore determined to commit the debauch 
at my own lodgings, that I might run no risk 
of being discovered by Narcissa in a state of 
brutal degeneracy. Mr. Freeman, who was 
to be of the party, went, at my desire, to the 
squire, in order to engage him, while I took 
care to furnish myself for his reception. My 
invitation was accepted, my guests honoured 
me with their company in the evening, when 
Bruin gave me to understand that he had 
drunk many tuns of wine in his life, but was 
never served such a trick as I had played 
upon him the night before. I promised to 
atone for my trespass, and, having ordered to 
every man his bottle, began the contest with 
a bumper to the health of Narcissa. The 
toasts circulated with great devotion, the 
liquor began to operate, our mirth grew noisy, 
and, as Freeman and 1 had the advantage of 
drinking small French claret, the savage was 
effectually tamed before our senses were in 
the least affected, and carried home in an 
apoplexy of drunkenness. 

I was next morning, as iisual, favoured 
with a visit from my kind and punctual 
confidante, who, telling me she was per- 
mitted to receive my letters for her mistress, 
I took up the pen immediately, and, follow- 
ing the ffrst dictates of my passion, wrote as 
follows : 

' Dear Madam, 

' Were it possible for the powers of utterance 
to reveal the soft emotions of my soul, the 
fond anxietj', the glowing hopes, the chilling 
fears, that rule my breast by turns, I should 
need no other witness than this paper, to 
evince the purity and ardour of that flame 
your charms have kindled in my heart. But, 



alas ! expression wrongs my love ! I am in- 
spired with conceptions that no language can 
convey ! Your beauty fills me with wonder, 
your understanding with ravishment, and 
your goodness with adoration I I am trans- 
ported with desire, distracted with doubts, 
and tortured Avith impatience. Suffer me 
then, lovely arbitress of my fate, to approach 
you in person, to breathe in soft murmurs my 
passion to your ear, to offer the sacrifice of a 
heart overflowing with the most genuine and 
disinterested love, to gaze with ecstacy on 
the divine object of my wishes, to hear the 
music of her enchanting tongue, and to re- 
joice in her smiles of approbation, which will 
banish the most intolerable suspense from the 
bosom of 

' Your enraptured, E, — E — .' 

Having finished this effusion, I committed 
it to the care of my faithful friend, with an 
injunction to second my entreaty with all 
her eloquence and influence ; and in the mean- 
time went to dress, with an intention of 
visiting Mrs. Snapper and Miss, whom I had 
utterly neglected, and indeed almost forgotten, 
since my dear Narcissa had resumed the em- 
pire of my soul. The old gentlewoman re- 
ceived me very kindly, and Miss affected a 
frankness and gaiety which, however, I could 
easily perceive -was forced and dissembled ; 
among other things, she pretended to joke me 
upon my passion for Narcissa, which she 
averred was no secret, and asked if I intended 
to dance with her at the next assembly. I 
was a good deal concerned to find myself 
beconiD the town talk on this subject, lest the 
squire, having notice of my inclinations, 
should disapprove of thein, and, by breaking 
oft' all correspondence with me, deprive me of 
the opportunities I now enjoj'ed. But I re- 
solved to use the interest I had Avitli him, 
while it lasted ; and that very night, meet- 
ing him occasionally, asked his permission 
to solicit her company at the ball, which 
he very readily granted, to my inexpressible 
satisfaction. 

Having been kept awake the greatest part 
of the night by a thousand delightful reveries 
that took possession of my fancy, I got up 
by times, and, flying to tlie place of rendez- 
vous, had in a little time the pleasure of 
seeing Miss Williams approach with a smile 
on her countenance, which I interpreted into 
a good omen. Neither was I mistaken in my 
presage. She presented me with a letter 
from the idol of my soul, which, after having 
kissed it devoutlj^ I oijened with the iitmost 
eagerness, and was blessed with her api^roba- 
tion in these terms : 

' Sir, 

' To say I look upon you with indifference 
would he a piece of dissimulation which I 
think no decorum requires, and no custom 
canjustifj'. As my heart never felt an im- 
pression that my tongue was ashamed to de- 
cliire, I will not scruple to own mj'self pleased 
withyourpassion; confident of your integrity, 



154 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



and so well convinced of my own discretion, 
that I should not hesitate in granting you the 
interview you desire, were I not overawed by 
the prying curiosity of a malicious world, the 
censure of which might be fatally prejudicial 
to the reputation of 

Your Narcissa.' 

No anchorite in the ccstacy of devotion 
ever adored a relic with more fervour than 
that with which I kissed this inimitable proof 
of my charmer's candour, generosity, and 
affection ! I read it over a hundred times, 
was ravished with her confession in the be- 
ginning ; but the subscription of Your Nar- 
cissa yielded me such delight as I had never 
felt before ! My happiness was still increased 
by Miss Williams, who blessed me with a 
repetition of her lady's tender expressions in 
my favour, when she received and read my 
letter. In short, I had all the reason in the 
world to believe that this gentle creature's 
bosom was possessed by a j)assion for me, 
as warm, though perhaps not so impetuous as 
mine for her. 

I informed my friend of the squire's con- 
sent to my dancing with Narcissa at the ball, 
and desired her to tell her mistress, that I 
Avould do myself the honour of visiting her 
in tlie afternoon, in consequence of his per- 
mission, when I hoped to find her as indulgent 
as her brother had been complaisant ia that 
particular. Miss Williams expressed a good 
deal of joy at hearing I was so much in 
favour with the foxhunter, and ventured 
to assure me, that my visit would be very agree- 
able to my mistress, the rather because Bruin 
was engaged to dine abroad. This was a cir- 
cumstance which, I scarce need say, pleased 
me. I went immediately to the Long Room, 
where I found him, and, affecting to know 
nothing of his engagement, told him, I would 
do myself the pleasure to wait upon him in 
the afternoon, and to i^resent his sister with 
a ticket for the ball. He shook me by the 
hand, according to custom, and, giving me to 
understand that he was to dine abroad, de- 
sired me to go and and drink tea with Nar- 
cissa notwithstanding, and i^romised to pre- 
pare her for my visit in the meantime. 

Everything succeeding thus to my wish, I 
waited with incredible impatience for the 
time, which no sooner arrived than I hastened 
to the scene, which my fancy had iDreoccupied 
long before. I was introduced accordingly to 
the dear enchantress, whom I found accom- 
jianied by Miss Williams, who, on pretence of 
ordering tea, retired at my approach. This 
fixvourable accident, which alarmed my whole 
soul, disordered her also. I found myself ac- 
tuated by an irresistiljle impulse ; I advanced 
to her with ear/rerncss and awe ; and, profiting 
by the confusion that prevailed over her, 
clasped the fair angel in my arms, and im- 
printed a glowing kiss upon her lips, more 
soft and fragrant than the dewy rosebud just 
bursting from the stem ! Her face was in an 
instant covered with blushes, her eyes 



sparkled ■^^dth resentment ; 1 threw my- 
self at her feet, and implored her pardon. 
Her love became advocate in my cause ; liei 
look softened into forgiveness ; she raised me ' 
up, and chid me with so much sweetness of 
displeasm-e, thati should have been tempted 
to repeat the ofl'ence, had not the coming ini 
of the servant with the tea-board prevented 
my presumption. While we were subject to 
be interrupted or overlieard, wo conversed 
about the approaching ball, at which shec 
promised to grace me as a partner ; but, whenii' 
the equipage was removed, and we werec 
left alone, I resumed the more interesting; 
theme, and expressed myself with such trans- i^ 
port and agitation, that my mistress, fearing,'' 
I should commit some extravagance, rang the ; 
bell for her maid, whom she detained in the ■ 
room, as a check upon my vivacity. I was -, 
not sorry for this precaution, because I could 1 
unbosom myself without reserve before Miss ^ 
Williams, who was the confidante of us both. , 
I therefore gave a loose to the inspirations of ( 
my passion, which operated so successfully 
upon the tender affections of Narcissa, that 
she laid £^side the constraint she had hitherto • 
worn, and blessed me with the most melting 
declaration of her mutual flame ! It Avas im- 
possible for me to forbear taking the advan- 
tage of this endearing condescension. She 
now gently yielded to my embraces : Avhile I, 
encircling all that I held dear within my arms, 
tasted in advance the joys of that paradise I 
hoped in a little time wliolly to possess ! We 
spent the afternoon in all the ecstacy of hope 
that the most fervent love exchanged by mu- 
tual vows could inspire ; and Miss Williams 
was so much affected with our chaste caresses, 
which recalled the sad remembrance of what 
she was, that her eyes were filled with 
tears. 

The evening being pretty far advanced, I 
forced myself from the dear object of my 
flame, who indulged me in a tender embrace 
at parting, and, repairing to my lodgings, 
communicated to my friend Strap every cir- 
cumstance of my happiness, which filled him 
with so much pleasure, that it ran over at his 
eyes ; and he prayed heartily, that no envious 
devil might, as formerly, dash the cup of 
blessing from my lip. When I reflected on 
what had happened, and especially on the un- 
reserved protestations of Narcissa's love, I 
could not help being y^mazed at her omitting 
to inqjiire into the particular circumstances 
of life and fortune of one Avhom she had fa- 
voured with her affection, and I began to bo 
a little anxious about the situation of her 
finances ; well knowing that I slioidd do an 
irreparable injury to the person my soul held 
most dear, if I should espouse her without 
being able to support her in the rank which 
was certainly her due. I had heard, indeed, 
while I served her aunt, that her father had 
left her a considerable sum; and that every- 
body believed she v/ould inherit the greatest 
part of licr kinswoman's dowry, but I did not 



BODEPJCK BANVOM. 



155 



know how far she might be restricted by the 
old g-entleman'swillinthe enjoyment of what 
he left her: and I was too well informed of 
jthe virtuoso's lato conduct, to think my mis- 
stress could have any expectation from that 
I quarter. I confided, however, in the good 
sense and policy of my charmer, who, I %vas 
sure, would not consent to unite her fate with 
mine, before she had fully considered and 
provided for the consequence. 

The ball night being arrived, I dressed my- 
self in a suit I had reserved for some grand 
occasion ; and, having drunk tea with Nar- 
pissa and her brother, conducted my angel to 
the scene, where she, in a moment, eclipsed 
all her female competitors for beauty, and at- 
tracted the admiration of the whole assembly. 
My heart dilated with prideonthisoccasion,and 
my triumph rejected all bounds, when, after we 
had danced together, a certain nobleman, re- 
markable for his figure, and influence in the 
heau monde, came up, and in the hearing of 
all present, honoured us with a very particu- 
lar compliment upon our accomplishments 
and appearance ; but this transport was soon 
checked, when I perceived his lordship attach 
himself with great assiduity to my mistress, 
and say some warm things, which, I thought, 
I savoured too much of passion. It was then 
il began to feel the pangs of jealousy; I 
I dreaded the power and address of my rival; 
i I sickened at his discoirrse ; when she opened 
her lips to answer, my heart died within me ; 
when she smiled, I felt the pains of the 
damned ! I was enraged at his presumption : 
I cursed her complaisance : at length he 
quitted her, and went to the other side of 
the room. Narcissa, suspecting nothing of 
the rage that inflamed me, put some questions 
to me as soon as he was gone, to which I 
made no reply, but assumed a gTim look, 
which too well denoted the agitation of my 
breast, and surprised her not a little. She no 
sooner observed my emotion than she changed 
colour, and asked what ailed me ? but before 
I could make answer, her brother, puUing me 
by the sleeve, bade me take notice of a lady 
who sat fronting us, whom I immediately, to 
my vast astonishment, distinguished to be 
Melinda, accompanied by her mother, and an 
elderly gentleman, whom I did not know. 
' Wounds ! Mr. Eandan,' cried the squire, ' is 
she not a delicate piece of stuff? 'Sdeath! 
I have a good mind — if I thought she was a 
single person.' 

Notwithstanding the perplexity I was in, I 
had reflection enough to foresee that my pas- 
sion might suffer greatly by the presence of 
this lady, who, in all probability, would re- 
venge herself upon me, for having formerly 
disgraced her, by spreading reports to my 
prejudice. I was therefore alarmed at these 
symptoms of the Squire's admiration; and 
for some time did not know what reply to 
make, when he asked my opinion of her 
beauty ; at length I came to a determination, 
and told him that her name was Melinda. 



that she had a fortune 'of ten thousand 
pounds, and was said to be raider promise of 
marriage to a certain lord, who deferred his 
nuptials a few months until he should be of 
age. I thought this piece of intelhgence, 
which I had myself invented, would have 
hindered him elfectually from entertaining 
any further thoughts of her ; but I was egre- 
giously mistaken. The foxhunter had too 
much self-sufficiency to despair of success 
against any competitor on earth. He there- 
fore made light of her engagement, saying, 
with a smile of self-approbation, 'Mayhap 
she will change her mind ; what signifies his 
being a lord ? I think myself as good a man 
as e'er a lord in Christendom, and I'll see if 
a commoner worth three thousand a year 
won't serve her turn.' This determination 
startled mo not a little; I knew he would 
soon discover the contrary of what I ad- 
vanced ; and, as I believed he would find her 
ear open to his addresses, did not doubt of 
meeting with every obstacle in my amour 
that her malice could invent, and her in- 
fluence execute. This reflection increased my 
chagrin — my vexation was evident. Narcissa 
insisted on going home immediately : and, as 
I led her to the door, her noble admirer, with 
a look full of languishment, directed to her a 
profound bow, which stung me to tho soul. 
Before she went into the chair, she asked, 
with an appearance of concern, what was tho 
matter with me ? and I could pronounce no 
more than ' By heaven, I am distracted ! ' 



CHAPTER LVIII. 

Tortured with Jealousy , I go Home, and cdiuse 
Strap — receive a Message from Narcissa, in 
Conseqxience of whicli I hasten to her Apart- 
ment, where her endearing Assurances hanisli 
all my Doubts and Apprehensions — in my 
Retreat discover Somebody in the Dark, 
whom, suspecting to be a Spy, I resolve to 
hill ; but, to ony great Surprise, am con- 
vinced of his being no other than Strap — 
Melinda slanders me — I become acquainted 
with Lord Quiverwit, wlio endeavours io 
sound me vntli regard to Narcissa — the 
Squire is introduced to his Lordship, and 
gro^vs cold towards me — I learn from my 
Confidante, that this Nobleman professes 
honourable Love to my Mistress, who con- 
tinues faithful to me, notivithstanding the 
scandcdoiis Reports she had heard to my 
Prejudice — I am moriified with an Assur- 
ance that her ichole Fortune depends upon 
the Pleasure of her Brother — 3Ir. Freeman 
condoles me on the Decline of my Character, 
which I vindicate so much to his satisfac- 
tion, that he undertakes to combat Fame in 
my behalf. 

HAVING uttered this exclamation, at 
which she sighed, I went home in tho 
condition of a frantic Bedlamite : and, finding 
tho fire in my apartment almost extinguished, 



15G 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



vented my fury itpon poor Strap, whose ear I 
pinched v/ith such violenco, that he roared 
hideously with pain ; and, when I quitted my 
hold, looked so foolishly aghast, that no un- 
conconiel spectator could have scon him 
without being seized with an immoderate fit 
of laughter. It is true, I was soon sensible of 
the injury I had done, and asked pardon for 
the outrage I had committed ; upon which 
my faitliful valet, shaking his head, said, ' I 
forgive you, and may God forgive you !' But 
he could not help shedding somo tears at my 
unkindness. I felt iinspeakable remorse for 
what I had done, cursed my own ingratitude, 
and considered his tears as a reproach that 
my soul, in its present disturbance, could not 
bear. It set all my passions into a ferment : 
I swore horrible oaths without meaning or 
application. I foamed at the mouth, kicked 
the chairs about the room, and played abun- 
dance of mad pranks that frightened my friend 
almost out of his senses. At length my 
transport subsided, I become melancholy, 
and wept insensibly. 

During this state of dejection, I was sur- 
prised with the appearance of Miss Williams, 
whom Strap, blubbering all the while, had 
conducted into the chamber without giving 
me previous notice of her approach. She 
was extremely affected with my condition, 
which she had learned from him, begged me to 
moderate my passion, suspend my conjectures, 
and follow her to Narcissa, who desired to see 
me forthwith. That dear name operated upon 
me like a charm ! I started up, and, without 
opening my lips, was conducted into her 
apartment through the garden, which wo en- 
tered by a private door. I found the adorable 
creature in tears ; I was melted at the sight — 
Ave continued silent for some time — my heart 
was too fall to speak — her snowy bosom 
heaved with fond resentment ; at last she 
sobbing cried, ' What have I done to disoblige 
you ? ' My heai-t was pierced with the tender 
question. I drew near with the utmost re- 
verence of affection. I fell upon my knees 
before her, and, kissing her hand, exclaimed, 
' Oh ! thou art all goodness and perfection ! I 
am undone by want of merit ; I am unworthy 
to possess thy charms, which heaven hath de- 
stined for the arms of some more favourite 
being.' She guessed the cause of my disquiet, 
upbraided me gently for my suspicion, and 
gave me such flattering assurances of her 
eternal fidelity, that all my doubts and fears 
forsook me, and peace and satisfaction reigned 
within my breast. 

At midnight I left the fair nymph to her 
repose, and, being lot out by Miss Williams at 
the garden gate by which I entered, began to 
explore my way homeward in the dark, when 
I heard at my back a noise like that of a ba- 
boon when he mews and chatters. I turned 
instantly, and, perceiving something black, 
concluded I was discovered by some spy, em- 
ployed to watch for that purpose ; aroused 
at this conjecture, by which the reputation of 



\ 



the virtuous Narcissa appeared in jeopardy, 
drew my sword, and would have sacrificed him 
to her fame, had not the voice of Strap re- 
strained my arm ; it was with great difficulty 
he could pronounce, ' D — d — d — do ! mum — 
um — um — murder me if you please.' Such 
an effect had the cold upon his jaws, that his 
teeth rattled like a pair of castanets. Pleased 
to be thus undeceived, I laughed at his con- 
sternation , and asked what brought him thi- 
ther ? Upon which he gave me to understand, 
that his concern for me had induced him to 
follow me to that place, where the same rea- 
son had detained him till now, and he frankly 
owned, that, in spite of the esteem he had for 
Miss Williams, he began to be very uneasy 
about me, considering the disposition in which 
I went abroad ; and, if I had stayed much 
longer, would certainly have alarmed the 
neighbourhood in my behalf. The knowledge 
of this his intention confounded me. I repre- 
sented to him the mischievous consequences 
that would have attended such a rash action, 
and, cautioning him severely against any such 
design for the future, concluded my admoni- 
tion, with an assurance, that, in case he should 
ever act so madly, I would, without hesitation, 
put him to death. ' Have a little patience,' 
cried he, in a lamentable tone ; ' your displea- 
sure will do the business, without your com- 
mitting murder.' I was touched with this 
reproach ; and, as soon as we got home, made 
it my business to appease him, by explaining 
the cause of that transport during which I 
had used him so unworthily. 

Next day when I went into the Long Room, 
I observed several whispers circulate all of a 
sudden, and did not doubt that Melinda had 
been busy with my character ; but I consoled 
myself with the love of Narcissa, upon which 
I rested with the most perfect confidence ; 
and going up to the rowly-powly table, won a 
fow pieces from my suspected rival, who, with 
an easy politeness, entered into conversation 
with me, and, desiring my company to the 
coffee-house, treated me with tea and choco- 
late. I remembered Strutwell, and guarded 
against his insinuating behaviour; nor was 
my suspicion wrong placed ; he artfully turned 
the discourse upon Narcissa, and endeavoured 
by hinting at an intrigue he pretended to be 
engaged in elsewhere, to learn what connec- 
tion there was between her and me. But all 
his finesse was ineffectual ; I was convinced 
of his dissimulation, and gave such general 
answers to his inquiries, that he was forced 
to drop the subject, and talk of something 
else. 

While we conversed in this manner, the 
savage came in with another gentleman, who 
introduced him to his lordship ; and he was 
received with such peculiar marks of distinc- 
tion, that I was persuaded the courtier in- 
tended to use him in some shape or other; 
and from thence I drew an iinlucky omen. 
But I had more cause to be dismayed the fol- 
lowing day, when I saw the squire in company 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



157 



with Melinda and her mothei', who honoured 
'■ me with several disdainful glances ; and when 
I I afterwards threw myself in his way, instead 

■ of the cordial shake of the hand, he returned 
my salute with a cold repetition of ' Servant, 

■ servant ! ' which he pronounced with such in- 
difference, or rather contempt, that if he had 

■ not been Narcissa's brother, I should have 

■ affronted him in public. 

These occurrences disturbed me not a.little ; 
I foresaw the brooding storm, and armed my- 

■ self with resolution for the occasion ; but 
' Narcissa being at stake, I was far from being 

resigned. I could have renounced every other 

comfort of life with some degree of fortitude ; 

' but the prospect of losing her disabled all 

■ my philosophy, and tortured my soul into 
madness. 

; Miss Williams found me, next morning, full 
' of anxious tumult, which did not abate when 

■ she told me that my Lord Quiverwit, having 
professed honourable intentions, had been in- 
troduced to my lovely mistress by her bro- 
ther, who had at the same time, from the 
information of Melinda, spoken of me as an 
Irish fortune-hunter, without either birth or 
estate ; who supported myself in the appear- 
ance of a gentleman by sharping and other 
infamous practices ; and who was of such an 
obscure origin, that I did not even know my 
own extraction. Though I expected all this 
malice, I could not hear it with temper, 
especially as truth was so blended with false- 
hood in the assertion, that it would be almost 
impossible' to separate the one from the other 
in my vindication. But I said nothing on 
this head, being impatient to know how 
Narcissa had been affected with the discovery. 
That generous creature, far from believing 
these imprecations, was no sooner withdrawn 
with her confidante, than she inveighed with 
great warmth against the malevolence of the 
world, to which only she ascribed the whole 
of what had been said to my disadvantage ; 
and, calling every circumstance of my be- 
haviour to her into review before her, found 
everything so polite, honourable, and dis- 
interested, that she could not harbour the 
least doubt of my being the gentleman I 
assumed. ' I have indeed,' said she, ' pur- 
posely forborne to ask the particulars of his 

i life, lest the recapitulation of some misfor- 
tunes, which he has undergone, should give 
him pain ; and, as to the article of his fortune, 
I own myself equally afraid of inquiring into 
it, and of discovering the state of my own, 
lest we should find ourselves both unhappy 
in the explanation ; for, alas ! my provision ■ 
is conditional, and depends entirely on my 
marrying with my brother's consent.' 

I was thunderstruck with this intelligence , 
the light forsook my eyes, the colour vanished 
from my cheeks, and I remained in a state of 
universal trepidation ! My female friend, 
perceiving my disorder, encouraged me with 
assurances of Narcissa's constancy, and the 
hope of some accident favourable to our love ; 



and, as a further consolation, gave mo to 
understand, that she had acquainted my 
mistress with the outlines of my life : and 
that, although she was no stranger to the 
present low state of my finances, her love 
and esteem were rather increased than di- 
minished by the knowledge of my circum- 
stances. I was greatly comforted by this 
assurance, which saved me a world of con- 
fusion and anxiety ; for I must have imparted 
my situation one day to Narcissa, and this 
task I could not have performed without 
shame and disorder. 

As I did not doubt that by this time the 
scandalous aspersions of Melinda were dif- 
fused all over the town, I resolved to collect 
my whole strength of assurance, to browbeat 
the efforts of her malice, and to publish her 
adventure with the frenchified barber by way 
of reprisal. In the meantime, having pro- 
mised to be at the garden-gate about mid- 
night. Miss Williams took her leave, bidding 
me repose myself entirely on the affection of 
my dear Narcissa, which was as perfect as 
inviolable. Before I went abroad, I was 
visited by Freeman, Avho came on purpose to 
inform me of the infamous stories that were 
raised at my expense. I heard them with great 
temper, and in my turn disclosed everything 
that had happened between Melinda and me ; 
and among other circumstances entertained 
him with the story of the barber, letting hiin 
know what share his friend Banter had in 
that affair. He was convinced of the injury 
my reputation had suffered ; and, no longer 
doubting the fountain from whence this de- 
luge of slander had flowed upon me, under- 
took to undeceive the town in my behalf, and 
roll the stream back upon its source ; but in 
the meantime, cautioned me from appearing 
in public, while the prepossession was so 
strong against me, lest I should meet with 
some affront that might have bad conse- 
quences. 



CHAPTER LIX. 

I receive an extraordinary Message at (he 
Door of the Long Room, which I, however, 
enter, and affront the Squire, who threatens 
to take the Law of me — Rehul;e Melinda for 
her Malice — she weeps ivith Vexation — Lord 
Quiverwit is severe upon me — I retort Ids 
Sarcasm — am received vjith the utmost Ten- 
derness hij Narcissa, tvho desires to hear the 
Story of my Life — ive vow eternal Constancy 
to each other — J retire — am waksd ly a 
Messenger, who brings a Challenge from 
Quiverwit, ivhom I meet, engage, and 
vanquish. 

I THANKED him for his advice, which, 
however, my pride and resentment would 
not permit me to follow ; for he no sooner 
left me, in order to do justice to my character 
among his friends and acquaintance, than I 
sallied out, and went directly to the Long 
Room. I wag met at the door by a servant. 



158 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



f 



who presented a billet to me without a sub- 
scription, importing that my presence was 
disagreeable to the company, and desiring I 
would take the hint without further dis- 
turbance, and bestow myself elsewhere for 
the future. This pererai)tory message filled 
me witli indignation. I followed the feUow 
who delivered it, and, seizing him by the 
collar in presence of all the company, 
threatened to put him instantly to death, if 
he did not discover the scoundrel who had 
charged him with such an impudent commis- 
sion, that I might punish him as he deserved. 
The messenger, affrighted at my menaces 
and furious looks, fell upon his knees, and 
told me, that the gentleman who ordered him 
to deliver the letter was no other than 
Narcissa's brother, who, at that time, stood 
at the other end of the room, talking to 
Melinda. I went up to him immediately, 
and in the hearing of his inamorata, accosted 
him in these words ; ' Lookee, squire, were 
it not for one consideration that protects you 
from my resentment, I would cane you 
where you stand, for having had the 
presumption to send me this scurrilous 
intimation ; ' which I tore to pieces and 
threw in his face : at the same time darting 
an angry regard at his mistress, I told her, I 
was sorry she had put it out of my power to 
compliment her upon her invention, but at 
the expense of her good nature and veracity. 
Her admirer, whose courage never rose, but 
in proportion to the wine he had swallowed, 
instead of resenting my address in what is 
called an honourable way, threatened to pro- 
secute me for an assault, and took witnesses 
accordingly : while she, piqued at his pusil- 
lanimous behaviour, and enraged at the sar- 
casm I had uttered against her, endeavoured 
to make her quarrel a public cause, and wept 
aloud with spite and vexation. 

The tears of a lady could not fail of attract- 
ing the notice and concern of the spectators, 
to whom she complained of my rudeness with 
great bitterness, saying, if she were a man, I 
durst not use her so. The greatest part of 
the gentlemen, already prejudiced against 
me, were offended at the liberty I had taken, 
as appeared from their looks ; though none 
of them signified their disgust any other way, 
except my Lord Quiverwit, who ventured to 
say, with a sneer, that I was in the right to 
establish my own character, of which he had 
now no longer any doubt. Nettled at this 
severe equivoque, which raised a laugh at my 
expense, I replied with some warmth, ' I am 
proud of having in that particular got the 
start of your lordship.' He made no answer 
to my repartee, but with a contemptuous 
smile walked off, leaving me in a very dis- 
agreeable situation. In vain did I make up 
to several people of my acquaintance, whose 
conversation, I hoped, would banish my con- 
fusion ; everybody shiinned me like a person 
infected, and I should not have been able to 
bear my disgrace, had not the idea of the 



ever faithful and fond Narcissa come to my 
relief. I quitted the scene of my mortifica- 
tion, and, sauntering about the town, hap- 
pened to wake from my contemplation, when 
I found myself just opposite to a toy-sliop, 
which I entered, and purchased a ring set 
with a ruby in the form of a heart, surrounded 
by diamond sparks, for which I paid ten 
guineas, iiitending it for a present to the 
charmer of my soul. 

I was introduced, at the hour appointed, 
to this divine creature, who, notwithstanding 
what she had heard to my disadvantage, re- 
ceived me with the utmost confidence and 
tenderness ; and, having been informed of 
the general sketches of my life by Miss 
Williams, expressed a desire of knowing 
the particular circumstances, which I re- 
lated with great candour, omitting, how- 
ever, some things which I concluded alto- 
gether improper for her ear, and which the 
reader's reflection will easUy suggest. As 
my story was little else than a recital of mis- 
fortunes, the tear of sympathy ceased not to 
trickle from her enchanting eyes during the 
whole of the narration, which, when I had 
finished, she recompensed me for my trouble 
with the most endearing protestations of 
eternal love. She bewailed her restricted 
condition, as it was the means of retarding 
my happiness ; told me that Lord Quiverwit, 
by her brother's permission, had been to 
drink tea with her that very afternoon, and 
actually proposed marriage ; and, seeing mo 
extremely affected with this piece of informa- 
tion, offered to give me a convincuig i^roof of 
her affection, by espousing mo in private, 
and leaving the rest to fate. I was pene- 
trated with this instance of her regard, but, . 
that I might not be outdone in generosity, I 
resisted the bewitching temptation in con- ' 
sideration of her honour and interest ; at the 
same time I presented my ring as a pledge ] 
of my inviolable attaclunent, and, on my ] 
knees, implored Heaven to shower its curses I 
on my head, if ever my heart should enter- \ 
tain one thought unworthy of the passion I 
then avowed. She received my token, gave 
me in return her picture in miniature, exqui- 
sitely drawn and set in gold; and, in the 
same posture, called Heaven to witness and 
to judge her flame. Our vows being thus 
reciprocally breathed, a confidence of hope 
ensued, and our mutual fondness becoming 
as intimate as innocence would allow, I grew 
insensible of the progress of time, and it was 
morning before I coiild tear myself from this 
darling of my soul ! My good angel foresaw 
what would happen, and permitted me to 
indulge myself on this occasion, in considera- 
tion of the fatal absence I was doomed to 
suffer. 

I went to bed immediately on my retiu-n 
to my lodging, and, having slept about two 
hours, was waked by Strap, who in great 
confusion told me there was a footman below 
with a letter, which he would deliver to 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



m 



nobody but myself. Alarmed at this piece 
of news, I desired my friend to show him np 
to my chamber, and received the following 
letter, which, he said, reqviired an immediate 
answer : 

' Sir, — -Wlien any man injures my honour, 
let the difference of rank between us be ever 
so great, I am contented to wave the privi- 
lege of my quality, and to seek reparation 
from him on equal terms. The insolence of 
your reply to me yesterday, in the Long 
Room, I might have overlooked, had not your 
presumptive emulation in a much more in- 
teresting affair, and a discovery which I made 
this morning, concurred in persuading me to 
chastise you.r audacity with my sword. If 
you therefore have spirit enough to support 
the character you assume, you will not faO. 
to follow the bearer immediately to a con- 
venient place, where you shall be met by 

' QUIVEBWIT.' 

Whether I was enervated by the love and 
favour of Narcissa, or awed by the superior 
■ station of my antagonist, I know not, but I 
never had less inclination to fight than at 
this time. However, finding there was a ne- 
cessity for vindicating the reputation of my 
mistress, as well as for asserting my own 
honour, I forthwith rose, and, dressing in a 
hurry, put on my sword, bade Strap attend 
me, and set out with my conductor, cursing 
my bad fortune all the way, for having been 
observed in my return from my angel ; for so 
I interpreted his lordship's discovery. Wlien 
I came within sight of my rival, his lacquey 
told me he had orders to stop ; upon which I 
commanded Strap to halt also, while I Avalked 
forward ; resolving, if possible, to come to 
an explanation with my challenger, before we 
should come to battle. Nor was an oppor- 
tunity wanting ; for I no sooner approached 
than he asked, with a stern countenance, 
what business I had in Mr. Topehall's garden 
so early in the morning ? ' I don't know, my 
lord,' said I, ' how to answer a question put 
to me with such magisterial haiightiness. If 
your lordship will please to expostulate calmly, 
you will have no cause to repent of your con- 
descension ; otherwise I am not to be intimi- 
dated into any confession.' ' There is no 
room for denial,' answered he ; 'I saw you 
come out with my o^\ti eyes.' ' Did any other 
person see me ? ' said I. ' I neither know 
nor care,' said he ; 'I want no other evidence 
than that of my own senses.' Pleased to hear 
that the suspicion was confined to him alone, 
I endeavoured to appease his jealousy, by 
owning an intrigue with the waiting maid : 
but he had too much discernment to be so 
easily imposed upon, and told mo there was 
only one way to convince him of the truth of 
what I alleged, which was no other than re- 
nouncing all claim to Narcissa upon oath, 
and promising, upon honour, never to speak 
to her for the future. Exasperated at this 
proposal, I unsheathed my sword, saying, 
'Heavens ! what title have yon. or any man 



on earth, tp impose such terms on me ? ' He 

did the same, and making towards me with a 
contracted brow, said I was a villain, and had 
dishonoured Narcissa. ' He's a scandalous 
villain,' I replied, in a transport of fury, ' who 
brands me with that imputation ! She is a 
thousand times more chaste than the mother 
that bore you ; and I will assert her honour 
with my heart's blood ! ' So saying, I rushed 
upon hini with more eagerness than address, 
and, endeavouring to get within his point, 
received a wound in my neck, which redoubled 
my rage. He excelled me in temper as well 
as in skill, by which means he parried my 
thrusts with great calmness, untU I had almost 
exhausted my spirits ; and, when he perceived 
me beginning to flag, attacked me fiercely in 
his turn. Finding himself, however, better 
opposed than he expected, he resolved to 
follow his lounge, and close with me ; accord- 
inglj^, his sword entered my waistcoat, on the 
side of the breast bone, and, running up be- 
tween my shirt and skin, appeared over my 
left shoulder. I imagined that his weapon 
had perforated my lungs, and of consequence 
that the wound was mortal ; therefore, deter- 
mined not to die unrevenged, I seized his shell, 
Avhich was close to my breast, before he 
could disentangle his point, and, keeping it 
fast with my left hand, shortened my own 
sword with my right, iikending to run him 
through the heart ; but he received the thrust 
in the left arm, which penetrated up to the 
shoulder blade. Disappointed in this expec- 
tation, and afraid still that death would frus- 
trate my revenge, I grappled with him, and, 
being much the stronger, threw him upon the 
ground, where I wrested his sword out of his 
hand, and, so great was my confusion, instead 
of turning the point upon him, struck out 
three of his foreteeth with the hilt. In the 
meantime, our servants, seeing us fall, ran up 
to separate and assist us ; but before their 
approach I was upon my feet, and had dis- 
covered that my supposed mortal wound was 
only a slight scratch. The knowledge of my 
own safety disarmed me of a good deal of my 
resentment, and I began to inquire with some 
concern into the situation of my antagonist, 
who remained on the ground bleeding plenti- 
fully at his mouth and arm. I helped his 
footman to raise him, and, having bound up 
his wound with my handkerchief, assured 
him it was not dangerous ; I likewise restored 
his sword, and offered to support him to his 
house. He thanked me with an air of sullen 
dignity : and whispering that I should hear 
from him soon, went away, leaning on his 
servant's ehoulcler. 

I was sm-prised at this promise, which I con- 
strued into a threat, and resolved, if ever he 
should call me out again, to use whatever ad- 
vantage fortune might give me over him in 
another manner. In the meantime, I had 
leisure ta take noticfe ot Sti-ap, whft seemed 
quite stupified with horror : I comforted him 
with an assurance that I had received no 



IGO 



nODBRICK BANDOM. 



damage, and explained the nature of this 
affair as we walked homeward. By the time 
I had got into my apartment, I found the 
wound in my neck stiff and uneasy, and a 
good deal of clotted blood ran do\\Ti upon my 
shirt ; upon which I pulled off my coat and 
waistcoat, and unbuttoned my collar, that I 
might dress it with more ease. My friend no 
sooner perceived my shirt quite dyed with 
blood, than, imagining I had got at least 
twenty thousand wounds, he cried, ' O Jesus I ' 
and fell flat on the floor. I stopped the bleed- 
ing with a little dry lint, and, applying a 
plaster over it, cleaned myself from the gore, 
shifted, and dres.sed, while he lay senseless at 
my feet, so that when he recovered, and saw 
me perfectly well, he could scarce believe his 
own eyes. Now that the danger was passed, 
I was very well pleased with what had hap- 
pened, hoping that it would soon become 
known, and consequently dignify my character 
not a little in this place. I was also proud of 
liaving shown myself, in some shape, worthy 
of thn love of Narcissa, who, I was persuaded, 
would not think the worse of me for what I 
had done. 



CHAPTER LX. 

I am visited 61/ Frecriian, withwiiom I appear 
in Pahlic, and am caressed — am sent for hij 
Lord Qaivcrn-it, wlwse Presence I quit in a 
Passion — yarcissa is carried cjfhy her Bry 
titer — / intend to pursue him, and am dis- 
suaded by m]i Friend — oij/nfyc in Play, and 
lose nil my Money — set ont/or London — try 
my Fortune at the Gnminy Table without 
Success — receive a Letter J'ram Narcissa — 
bilk my Tailor. 

WHILE I entertained myself with these 
reflections, the news of the duel, being 
communicated by some unknown channel, 
spread all over the town. I was visited by 
Freeman, who testified his surprise at finding 
me ; for he was told, that Lord Quivcrwit 
being dead of his wounds, I IiikI absconded, 
in order to avoid the cognizance of the law. 
I asked, if people guessed the occasion of 
the quarrel ; anil, understanding it was attri- 
buted to his lordship's resentment of my 
reply in the Long Room, confirmed tliat con- 
jecture, glad to find Narcissa unsuspected. 
My friend, after I had assured him that my 
antagonist was in no danger, wished me 
joy of the event, than which, he said, nothing 
could happen more opportunely to support 
the idea he had given of my character to his 
friends, among whom he had been very assi- 
duous in my behalf. 

On the strength of this assurance, I wont 
Avith him to the coffee-houso, where I was 
saluted by a great many of those very jiersons 
who liad shunned me the preceding day ; and 
I found evorybody making merry with the 
story of Melinda's French gallant. While I 
remained in this place, I received a message 



from Lord Quivcrwit, desiring, if I were not 
engaged, to see me at his house. 

Thither I immediately repaired, and was 
conducted to an apartment where I was re- 
ceived by his lordship in bed. "When we were 
left by ourselves, he thanked me in vei-y 
polite terms for having used the advantage 
fortune had given mo over him with such 
moderation, and asked pardon for .any offence 
his resentment might liave prompted him to 
commit. ' I would willinglj',' said he, ' make 
you my friend ; but, as it is impossible for 
me to divest myself of my passion for Nar- 
cissa, I am too well convinced of your senti- 
ments, to thiidv we shall ever agree on that 
subject. I took the liberty, therefore, of 
sending for j'ou, in order to own candidly, 
that I cannot help opposing your success 
with that young lady ; though, at the same 
time, I promise to regulate my opposition by 
the dictates of justice and honour. This, 
however, I think proper to advertise you of, 
that she has no independent fortune ; and, if 
you should even succeed in your addresses, 
you will have the mortification to see her re- 
duced to indigence, unless you have Vihere- 
withal to support her — and I am credibly 
informed of your incapacity that way — nay, 
I will confess, tliat, urged by this considera- 
tion, I have actually sent notice to her bro- 
ther of the progress I suspect you have made 
in her affection, and desired him to take his 
precautions accordingly.' Alarmed and pro- 
voked at this information, I told his lord- 
ship, that I did not see how ho could recon- 
cile that piece of conduct with his profession 
of open dealing, and flung away from him in 
a passion. 

As I walked homeward, in liopc of hearing 
from my mistress ivs usual by means of Miss 
Williams, I was surprised with the waving of 
a liandkerchicf from the window of a coach- 
and-six that passed by me at full speed ; and 
upon further observation, I saw a servant on 
horseback riding after it, who, I knew by his 
livery, belonge<l to the squire. Thunderstruck 
with this discovery, the knowledgeof my mi.s- 
fortuno rushed all at once upon my refleiition ! 
I guessed immediately that the signal was 
nnulc by the dear hand of Narcissa, who, be- 
ing hurried away in consc(iuence of Lord 
Qiiiverwit's message to her brother, liad no 
other method of relating her distress, and 
imploring my assistance. Frantic with this 
conjecture, I ran to my lodgings, snatched my 
pistols, and ordered Strap to get post-horses, 
with such incoherence of speech and disorder, 
tliat the poor valet, terrified with the sus- 
picion of another duel, instead of providing 
what I desired, went forthAvith to Freeman, 
wlio, being informed of my behaviour, came 
straight to my apartment, and conjured me 
so pathetically to make him acquainted witli 
the cause of my uneasiness, that I could not 
refuse tolling him my happiness was fled with 
Narcissa, and that I must retrieve her or 
perish. He represented the madness of such 



RODERICK RAXDOM. 



161 



an undertaking, and endeavoured to divert 
me from it witli ^-eat strength of friendship 
and reason. But all his arg^iiments would 
have been inett'ectual, had he not put me in 
mind of the dependence I ought to have on 
tho lovo of Narcissa, and the attachment of 
her maid, who could not fail of finding oppor- 
tunities to advertise mo of their situation ; 
and at the same timo demonstrated the in- 
jury my charmer's reputation must suffer 
from my precipitate retreat. I was convinced 
and composed by these considerations : I ap- 
peared iu public with an air of tranquillity, 
was well received by the best company in 
town, and, my misfortune taking air, condoled 
accordingly : while I had the satisfaction of 
seeing Melinda ro universally discountenanced 
that she was fain .to return to London, in ■ 
order to avoid the scoffs and censuro of the 
ladies at Bath. But, though the hope of hear- 
ing from the darling of my soul supported 
my spirits a littlo while, I began to be very 
imeasy, when, at the end of several weeks, 
1 found that expectation disappointed. In 
short, melancholy and despondence took pos- 
session of my soul ; and, repining at that 
providence which, by acting the stepmother 
towards me, kept mo from the fruition of my 
wishes. I determined, in a fit of despair, to 
risk all I had at the gaming table, with a 
view of acquiring a fortune sufficient to render 
mo independent for life ; or of plunging my- 
self into such a state of miscrj', as would 
effectually crush every ambitious hope that 
now tortured my imagination. 

Actuated by this fatal resolution, I engaged 
in play, and, after some turns of fortune, 
found myself, at the end of three days, worth 
a thousand pounds ; but it was not my inten- 
tion to stop there, for which cause I kept 
Strap ignorant of my success, and continued 
my career until I was reduced to five guineas, 
■which I would have hazarded also, had I not 
been ashamed to fall from a bet of two hun- 
dred pounds to such a petty sum. 

Having thus executed my scheme, I wont 
home, amaaed to find myself so much at case, 
and informed my friend Strap of my mis- 
chance mth such calmness, that he, imagining 
I joked, affected to receive the tidings with 
great oquanimitj-. But both he and I found 
ourselves mistaken very soon. I had misin- 
terpreted my own stupidity into deliberate 
resignation, and he had reason to believe me 
in earnest when ho saw mo next morning 
agitated with the most violent despair, which 
he endeavoured to alleviate with all the con- 
solation in his power. 

In one of my lucid intervals, however, I 
charged him to take a place in the stage coach 
j for London ; and, in tho meantime, paid my 
I debts in Bath, which amounted to thirty shil- 
lings onlj-. Without taking leave of my 
friends, I embarked. Strap having the good 
fortune to find a return horse, and arrived in 
town, without having met A^ath anything re- 
markable on tho road. While we crossed 



Bagshot Heath, I waa seized with a sort of 
inclination to retrieve my fortune, by laying 
passengers under contribution in some such 
place. My thoughts were so circumstanced 
at this time, that I should have digested the 
crime of robbery, so righteously had I con- 
certed my plan, and ventured my life in tho 
execution, had I not been deterred by re- 
flecting upon the infamy that attends de- 
tection. 

Tho apartment I formerly lived in being 
unengaged, I took possession of it, and next 
day went in quest of Banter, who received 
mo with open arms, in expectation of having 
his bond discharged to his liking: but when 
wo understood what had happened, his coun- 
tenance changed of a sudden, and he told me, 
with a dryness of displeasure peculiar to him- 
self, that, if he were in my place, he would 
put it out of fortune's power to play him such 
another trick, and be avenged of his own in- 
discretion at once. Wien I desired him to 
explain his meaning, he pointed to his neck, 
raised himself on his tiptoes, and was going 
away without any further ceremony, when I 
put him in mind of my indigence, and de- 
manded tho live guineas I had formerly lent 
him. ' Five guineas !' cried he ; ' zounds ! had 
j'on acted with common prudence, you might 
have ha<l twenty thousand in your pocket by 
this time. I depended upon five hundred from 
you, as much as if I had had notes for it in 
tho bank ; and by all tho rules of equity, you 
are indebted to me for that sum.' I was 
neither pleased nor convinced by this com- 
putation, and insisted on my right with such 
determined obstinacy, that ho was fain to 
alter his tone, and appease my clamour, by 
assui-ing me, that ho was not master of fivo 
shillings. Society in distress generally pro- 
motes good understanding among people ; 
from being a dun I descended to be a client, 
and asked his advice about repairing my 
losses. Ho counselled mo to have recourse 
again to tho gaming table, whcro 1 succeeded 
80 well before, and put myself in a condition 
by selling my watch. I followed his direc- 
tions, and, having accommodated him with a 
few pieces, went to tho place, where I lost 
every shilling. 

Then I returned to my lodgings full of des- 
perate resolution, and having made Strap 
acquainted with my fate, ordered him to pawn 
my sword immediately, that I might bo en- 
abled to make another effort. This affectionate 
creature no sooner understood my purpose, 
than, seized with insupportable sorrow at the 
prospect of my miser}', he burst into tears, 
and asked what I proposed to do after the 
small sum ho could raise on the sword should 
bo spent. ' On my o^vn account,' said he, ' I 
am quite unconcerned ; for, while God spares 
me health and theso ten fingers, I can earn a 
comfortable subsistence anywhere ; but what 
must become of you, who have less humility 
to stoop, and more appetites to gratify?' 
Here I interrupted him, by saying, with a 



162 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



gloomy aspect, T shoiild never want a resource 
while I had a loaded pistol in possession. 
Stupified with horror at this dreadfid insinu- 
ation, ho stood mute for some time, and then 
broke out into ' God of his infinite mercy- 
enable you to withstand that temptation of 
the devil ! Consider your immortal soul — 
there's no repentance in the grave ! O Lord ! 
that we ever should have come to this ! Are 
we not enjoined to resign ourselves to the 
wUl of Heaven ? — where is your patience F — 
Durum patentia Jranijo — you are but a young 
man — there may be many good things in store 
for you — accidit iiiinmctoquid non spcralur 
in anno — remember your uncle, Mr. Bowling; 
perhaps he is now on his voyage homeward, 
pleasing himself with the hopes of seeing and 
relieving you ; nay, peradventure, he has al- 
ready arrived, for the ship was expected about 
this time.' A ray of hope shot athwart my 
soul at this suggestion ; I thanked my friend 
for this seasonable recollection, and, after 
having promised to take no resolution till his 
return, dismissed him to Wapping for intel- 
ligence. 

In his absence I was visited by Banter, 
who, being informed of my bad luck at play, 
told me that fortune would probably be one 
day weary of xjersecuting me. ' In the mean- 
time,' said he, ' here's a letter for you, which 
I received just now inclosed in one from 
Freeman.' I snatched it with eagerness, and 
knowing the superscription to be of Narcissa's 
handwriting, kissed it with transport, and, 
having opened it, read, 

' It is -with great difficulty that I have 
stolen, from the observation of those spies 
who are set over me, this opportunity of 
telling you, that I was suddenly carried away 
from Bath by my brother, who was informed 
of our correspondence by Lord Quiverwit, 
whom, I since understand, j'ou have wounded 
in a duel on my account. As I am fully con- 
vinced of your honour and love, I hope I 
shall never hear of such desperate proofs of 
either for the future. I am so strictly 
watched, that it will be impossible for yoai 
to see me, until my brother's suspicion shall 
abate, or Heaven contrive some other unfor- 
seen event in our behalf. In the meantime, 
you may depend on the constancy and affec- 
tion of — 

' Your ovra Naecissa. 

' P. S. Miss Williams, who is my fellow 
prisoner, desires to bo remembered to you. 
We are both in good health, and only in pain 
for you, especially as it will be impracticable 
for you to convey any message or letter to 
the place of our confinement ; for which 
reason, pray desist from the attempt, that, by 
miscarrying, might prolong our captivitj'. 

'N .' 

This kind letter afforded me great con- 
.solation : I communicated it to Banter, and, 
at the same time, showed him her picture : 
he a])provcd of her beaufy and good sense, 
and oituld not liclp owning tliat my neglect 



of Miss Snapper was excusable, when such 
a fine creature engrossed my attention. 

I began to be reconciled to my fate, and 
imagined, that, if I could contrive means of 
subsisting untU my rmcle should arrive, in 
case he were not already at home, he would 
enable me to do something effectual in behalf 
ofmy love and fortune; I therefore consulted 
Banter about a present supply, who no sooner 
understood that I had creclit with a tailor, 
than he advised me to take off two or three 
suits of rich clothes, and convert them into 
cash, by selling them at half-price to a sales- 
man in Monmouth Street. I was startled at 
this proposal, which I thought savoured a little | 
of fraud ; but he rendered it palatable, by ' 
observing that, in a few months, I might be 
in a condition to do everybody justice ; and, 
in the meantime, I was acquitted by the 
honesty of my intention. I suffered myself 
to be persuaded by his salvo, by which my 
necessity, rather than my judgment, was 
convinced ; and, when I found there were 
no accounts of the ship in which my 
uncle embarked, actually put the scheme in 
practice, and raised by it five-and-twenty 
guineas, paying him for his advice with the 
odd five. 



CHAPTER LXI. 

I am arrested — carried to the Marshalsea — 
find my old Acquaintance Beau Jackson in 
that Jail — he informs me of his Adventures 
— Strap arrives, and with difficulty is com- 
forted — Jackson introduces me to a Poet — 
/ admire his Conversation and Capacity — 
am deeply affected tvith my Misfortune- 
Strap hires himself as a Journeyman 
Barber. 

BUT this expedient was in a few weeks 
attended with a consequence I did not 
foresee. A player, having purchased one of 
the suits which were exposed to sale, ajri- 
peared in it on the stage one night, while my 
tailor unfortunately happened to be present. 
He knew it immediately, and, inquiring mi- 
nutely into the affair, discovered my whole 
contrivance : upon which he came to my lodg- 
ings, and telling me that he was very mueli 
straightened for want of money, presented 
his bill, which amounted to fifty pounds. Sur- 
prised at which unexpected address, I affected 
to treat him cavalierly, swore some oaths, 
asked if ho doubted my honour, and telling 
him I should take care wliom I dealt with for 
the future, bade him come again in three 
days. He obeyed mo punctually, demanded 
his money, and, finding himself amused with 
bare promises, arrested me that very da.y in 
the street. I was not much shocked at this 
adventure, which, indeed, put an end to a 
state of horrible expectation : but I refused 
to go to a sponging-house, where I heard 
there Avas notliing but the most flagrant im- 
position : and, a coach being called, was 
carried to tho Marshalsea, attended by a 



ttODMlCH: RANDOM. 



m 



bailiff and his follower, who were very much 
disappointed and chagrined at my resolution. 
The turnkey, guessing from my appearance 
that I had money in my pocket, received me 
with the repetition of the Latin VfovA depone, 
and gave me to imderstand, that I must pay 
beforehand for the apartment I should choose 
to dwell in. I desired to see his conveniences, 
and hired a small paltry bed-chamber for a 
crown a week, which, in any other place, 
woidd not have letfor half the money. Having 
taken possession of this dismal habitation, I 
sent for Strap, and my thoughts were busied 
in collecting matter of consolation to that 
faithful squire, when somebody knocked at 
my door, which I no sooner opened, than a 
young fellow entered in very shabby clothes 
and marvellous fonl linen. After a low bow, 
he called me by name, and asked if I had 
forgotten him. His voice assisted me in re- 
collecting his person, v^^hom i soon recognised 
to be my old acquaintance, Jackson, of whom 
mention is made in the first part of my me- 
moirs. I saluted him cordially, expressed my 
satisfaction at finding him alive, and condoled 
him on his present situation, which, however, 
did not seem to affect him much, foi; he 
laughed very heartily at the occasion of our 
meeting so unexpectedly in this place. Our 
mutual compliments being past, I inquired 
about his amour with the lady of fortune, 
which seemed to be so near a happy conclu- 
sion when I had the pleasure of seeing him 
last : and, after an immoderate fit of laughter, 
he gave nie to understand that he had been 
egregiously bit in that affair. ' You must 
know,' said he, ' that a few days after our 
adventure with the bawd and her b — clies, I 
found means to be married to that same fine 
lady you speak of, and passed the night with 
her at her lodgings, so much to her satisfac- 
tion, that early in the morning, after a good 
deal of snivelling and sobbing, she owned, 
that far from being an heiress of great for- 
tune, she was no other than a common woman 
of the town, who had decoyed me into matri- 
mony, in order to enjoy the privilege of a 
fcmme couverte ; and that, unless I made my 
escape immediatelj', I should be arrested for 
a debt of her contractmg, by bailiffs employed 
and instructed for that purpose. Startled at 
tills intimation, I rose in a twinkling, and 
taking leave of my spouse with several hearty 
damns, got safe into the verge of the court, 
where I kept snug, until T was appointed 
surgeon's mate of a man-of-war at Ports- 
mouth ; for which place I set out on Sundaj% 
went on board of my ship, in whicli I sailed to 
the Straits, where I had the good fortune to 
be made siirgeon of a sloop that came home 
a few months after, and was put out of com- 
mission : whereupon I came to London, ima- 
gining myself forgotten, and freed from my 
wife and her creditors ; but had not been in 
town a week, before I was arrested for a debt of 
hers, amounting to twenty pounds, and brought 
to thisplace, where I have been fixed by another 



action since that time. However, you know 
my disposition, I defy care and anxiety; and 
being on the half-pay list, make shift to live 
here tolerably easy.' I congratulated him on his 
philosophy, and, remembering that I was in 
his debt, repaid the money he formerly lent 
me, which, 1 believe, Avas far from being un- 
seasonable. I then inquired about the econo- 
my of the place, which he explained to my 
satisfaction ; and, after we had agreed to 
mess together, he was just now going to give 
orders for dinner when Strap arrived. 

I never in my life saw sorrow so extrava- 
gantly expressed in any countenance as in 
thatof my honest friend, which was, indeed, 
l^articularly adapted by nature for such im- 
pressions. When we were left by ourselves, 
I comniuncated to him my disaster, and en- 
deavoxired to console him with the same ar- 
guments he had formerly used to me, withal 
representing the fair chance I had of being 
relieved in a short time by Mr. Bowling. But 
his grief was unutterable : he seemed to give 
attention withoiit listening, and wrung his 
hands in silence ; so that I was in a fair way 
of b-^ing infected by his behaviour, when 
Jackson returned, and, perceiving the defe- 
rence I paid to Strap, although in a footman'.s 
hpJ)it, distributed his crumbs of comfort with 
such mirth, jollity, and unconcern, that the 
featui'es of the distressed squire relaxed by 
dcgTces ; he recovered the use of speech, and 
began to be a little more reconciled to this 
lamentable event. We dined together on 
boiled beef and greens, brought from a cook's 
shop in the neighbourhood; and, although 
this meal was served up in a manner little 
corresponding with the sphere of life in which 
I had lately lived, I made a virtue of neces- 
sity, ate with good appetite, and treated my 
friends with a bottle of wine, which had the 
desired effect of increasing the good humour 
of my fellow prisoner, and exhilarating the 
spirits of Strap, Avho now talked cavalierly of 
my misfortune. 

After dinner Jackson left xis to oiir private 
affairs ; when I desired my friend to pack up 
all our things, and carry them to some cheap 
lodgings he should choose for himself in the 
neighbourhood of the Marshalsea, after he 
had discharged my lodgings, for which pur- 
pose I gave him money. I likewise recom- 
mended to him the keeping my misfor- 
tune secret, and saying to my landlord, 
or any other who shovild inquire for me, 
that I was gone into the country for a few 
Aveeks : at the same time I laid strong injunc- 
tions upon him to call every second daj' upon 
Banter, in case he should receive any letter 
for me from Narcissa, by the channel of Free- 
man ; and by all means to leave a direction 
for himself at my uncle's lodgings in Wapping, 
by Avhich I might be found when my kinsman 
should arrive. 

When he departed to execute those orders 
(AA'hich by the bye Avere punctually performed 
that very night), I found m^/self ko little sea- 



1C4 



nODERiCK RANDOM. 



soncd to m3' situition, that I dreaded reflec- 
tion, and souj^lit shelter from it in the com- 
pany of the beau, ■\vho, promising to regale 
me with a lecture upon taste, conducted me 
to the common side, where I saw a number 
of naked miserable wretches assembled to- 
gether. We had not been here many minutes, 
Avhon a figure appeared, wrapped in a dii-ty 
rug, tied about his loins with two pieces of 
list, of different colours, knotted together; 
having a black bushy beard, and hw head 
covered with a huge mass cf l)rown perriwig, 
which seems to have been ravished from the 
crown of some scarecrow. This apparition, 
stalking in with great solemnity, made a pro- 
found bow to the audience, who signified their 
approbation by a general response of 'How 
d'ye do, doctor ! ' Ho then turned towar^ls 
us, and honoured Jackson with a particular 
salutation : ujjon which my friend, in a formal 
manner, introduced him to mo by tlie name of 
Mr. Melopoyn. This ceremony being over, ho 
a<lvanced into the middle of the congregation, 
Avhich crowdcdaroundhim.and hemmingthreo 
times, to my utter astonishment, pronounced 
with great significance of voice and gesture, 
a very elegant and ingenious discourse upon 
the difference between genius and taste, illus- 
trating his assertions with apt quotations 
from the best authors, ancient as well as 
modern. When ho had finished his harangue, 
which lasted a full hour, he bowed again to 
the spectators; not one of whom (I was in- 
formoil) un<ler3toofl so jnuch as a sentence of 
what he had utterctl. Thoy manifested, how- 
ever, their a<lmiration and esteem by volun- 
tary contributions, whicli Jack.son told mo, 
one week with another, amounted to eighteen 
pence. This moderate stipend, together wiLh 
some sm.all presents that ho received for mak- 
ing up ditfercnces and deciding eausesamongst 
the prisoners, pist enabled him to breathe and 
w-alk about in the grotescpie figure I have de- 
scribed. I understood also, that ho Avas an 
exci'llcnt poet, and had comiiosed a tragedy, 
which was allowed by everybody who had 
seen it to be a perfomianco of groat merit : 
that his learning was infinite, his morals un- 
exceptionable, and his modesty invincible. 
Such a character couM not fail of attracting 
my regard ; I longed impatiently to bo ac- 
(Hiainteil with him, ami desired Jackson would 
engage him to spend the evening in my a])art- 
uient. My request was granted ; he favoured 
us with his company, and. in the course of our 
conversation iierceiving tliat I had a strong 
p:is.>^ion for the Hi'llrx Lrllri'n, acquittfd liim- 
sclf so well on that subject, that 1 expressed 
H fervent desire of seeing his iiroductions. In 
this point too he gi-atified my inclination ; he 
promised to bring his fragedy to my room 
next day, and in the meantime entertamed 
mo with some detacheil pieces, which gave mo 
a very advantageous idea of his jjoetical ta- 
lent. Among other things I was i)articnlarly 
pleased with some elegies, in imitation of 
Tibullus ; one of which I beg leave to submit 



to the reader, as a specimen of his complexion 
and capacity : — 

Whrrr now iiro all my flattrrins drriims or.joy ? 

Moniiiiia, give iny soul her wonted rest ■■,— 
Since lir>t thy heaiity flxetl niv roving eye, 

lleart-Knawins tares corrode my pensive hrcast ! 

Let happy lovers fly where plrasiires call, 
With tV stive sonis hciriiile the flrotins hour; 

Lead beauty thrciu:.-h the mazes of the l>all, 
Or pros her wanton in love's roseate hower: 

For me, no more I'll ranse the empurpled mead, 
Where shepherd's pipe, nnd virgins dance around. 

Nor wander through the woodbine's frasrant shade, 
To hear the music of the (.-rove resound. 

I'll seek some lonely church, or dreary hall. 
Where fancy piints th'- ilimmirinL' tapiT blue, 

AVlieri' damps hang mouldering' on the ivv'd «i>|l, 
.Vnd sheeted irhosts drink up the midnight dew. 

There, leaftiu-d with hopeless anpiish <ind despair, 

Awhile in silence o'er my fate repine : 
Tiien, with a louft fari'well to love and enrp, 

'lo kindred dust my weary limbs consi;;ii. 

■Wilt thou, Moniuna, shed n (rmcioiis tear 
Oil the cold ;;rave where all nir sorr(i«s rest ? 

Strew vernal dowers, applaud my hive sincere, 
And bid the turf lie easy on my breast ? 

I was wonderfully affected with this pathe- 
tic complaint, which seemed so well calculated 
for myowndisajipointment inlove,that I could 
not help attaching the idea of Narcissa to Iho 
name of Monimia, and of forming such melan- 
choly presages of my passion, that I could 
not recover my tranquillity : and was fain to 
liave recourse to the bottle, which prepared 
nio for a profotind sleep that I could not 
otherwise have enjoyed. Whether these im- 
lircssions invited and intro<luced a train of 
other melancholy reflections, or my fortitude 
was all exhausted in the effort I m.adf against 
despondence, during the fli'*t day of my im- 
prisoiiinent, I cannot dotorniine; but lawoko 
in the horrors, and found my imagination 
haunted with such dismal apparitions, that I 
•was ready to despair : and 1 believe the render 
will own, I had no great cause to congratiUate 
myself, when I considered my situation. I 
wa-s interruptc<l in the midst of these gloomy 
apprehensions by the arriv.al of Strap, who 
contribute<l not a little to tlio re-establish- 
ment of my peace, by letting me kiio->v that lie 
ha<l hired hinuself ius a journeyman barber; 
by which means lie would be able not only to 
save me a considerable expense, but even 
make shift to lay up something for my sub- 
sistence, after my money should be spent, in 
ca.se I should not be relieved before. 



CHArTER LXII. 

I rend Mrlopniin'f! Trnrjnhj, arid cnnccii'f o, 
rost Opinion i\f ^li"^ C, ,i'it<< — 7/,- .•.•.mu;,/.? /a'^ 
,Ji/rf)j/wrcs, • 

WHILE wo ate our breaki'ast together. I 
made him accpiainted with thi* chain c- 
tcr and conilition of the poet, who came in 
with his play at that instant, and, imagining 
•wo Avcrc engaged about bnsines.", could not 
be })revailed upon to sit ; but, leaving his per- 
formance, went away. ISIy friend's tender 
heart was melted at the sight of a gentleman 
and Christian (tor he had a great veneration 



nODERICiC RAND02t. 



105 



for belli thcoc epithets) iu sucli misery ; and 
assented with great cheerfulness to a proposal 
I ma<io of clothiucr him with our superfluities ; 
a task with wliioh he charjred himself, and 
departed immediately to perform it. 

He was no sooner gone than I locked my 
door, and sat down to the tragedy ; which I 
rcatl to the end with vast pleasure, not a little 
amazed at the conduct of the managers who 
had rejected it. Tlio fable, in my opinion, 
was well chosen and naturally conducted, the 
incidents interesting, the characters beauti- 
fully contrasted, strongly marked, and well 
supported ; the diction poetical, spirited, and 
correct ; the unities of the drama maintained 
with the most scrupulous exactness; the open- 
ing gradual ami engaging, the peripeteia sur- 
prising, and the cat i strophe affecting. In 
short, I judged it by the laws of Aristotle and 
Horace, and could (ind nothing in it exception- 
able, but a littlo too much embellishment in 
some few jil.ices, which objection he removed 
to my sati.sfacti(m, by a quotation of Aris- 
totle's Poetics, importing, that the least inte- 
resting parts of a poem ought to bo raised 
and digailicd by the charms and energy of 
diction. 

I revered his genius, and was seized with 
an eager cariositj' to know the particular 
events of a fortune so unworthy of his merit. 
At that instant Strap roturne<l with a bundle 
of clothes, which I sent with my compliments 
to Mr. Melojjojni, as a small token of my 
regard, and desired the favour of his company 
to dinner. He accepted my present and invi- 
tation, and in less than half-an-hour made his 
ai)pr:vranco iu a decent dress, which altered 
his figure very much to his advantage. I per- 
ceived by his countenance, that his heart was 
big with gr.ititudo, and endeavoured to pre- 
vent his aekuowledgmeuls, by asking pardon 
for the liberty I had taken ; ho made no reply, 
but, with an aspect full of a<Uniration and es- 
teem, bowe<l to tho ground, while tho tears 
gushed from his eyes. . AlTectcd with these 
symptom.-; of an ingenuous miml, I shifted tho 
convor.sation, and complimented him on his 
performance, which I assured him afforded 
me inlinite plciisure. My approbation made 
him happy. Dinner being served, and Jackson 
arrived, I begged their jiermission for Straji 
to sit at table with us, after having informed 
them that he Wius a person to whom I was 
extremely obliged : they were kind enough to 
grant that favour, and wo ato together with 
groat harmony and satisfaction. 

Our meal being ended, I expressed my won- 
der at tho littlo regard Mr. Molopojni had 
mot with from tho world : and signified a de- 
sire of hc'iring how ho had been treated by 
the managers of tho playhouses, to whom I 
understood from Jackson, ha had offere<l his 
tragedy without success. ' Tliero is so little 
,cnterlaiuing iu the incidents of my life,' said 
he ' that I am sure tho recit.al will not re- 
compense yonr attention ; but, since you 
discover an inclination to know them, I 



tindcrstand my duty too well to disappoint 
your desire. 

' My father, who was a curate in tho country, 
being by the narrowness of his circumstances 
hindered from maintaining mo at tho univer- 
sity, took tho charge of my education upon 
himself, and laboured with such industry and 
concern in the undertaking, that I had littlo 
cause to regret tho want of public masters. 
Being at great pains to consult my natural 
bias, he discovered in mo betimes an inclina- 
tion for poetry ; upon which ho recommended 
to me an intimate acquaintance with tho 
classics, in the cultivation of which ho assisted 
mo with a paternal zeal and uncommon eru- 
dition. When ho thought mo sufficiently 
acquainted \fH\\ tho ancients, he directed my 
studies to the best modern authors, French 
and Italian, as well as English, and laid a par- 
ticular injunction upon mo to make myself 
master of mj' mother tongue. 

• About the age of eighteen, T grow .ambitious 
of undertaking a work of some consequence ; 
and, with my father's approbation, actually 
planned tho tragedy you have read ; but, be- 
fore I had finished four acts, that indulgent 
parent died, and left my mother and mo in 
very indigent circumstances. A near relation, 
compassionating our distress, took us into his 
family, where I brouglit my fable to a conclu- 
sion ; and soon after that period my mother 
quitted this life. A\nien my sorrow for this 
melancholy event h.id subsided, I told my 
kinsman, who was a farmer, th.at, having paid 
my last duty to my parent, I had now no at- 
tachment to detain me in the country, and 
thorefore was resolved to set out for London, 
and offer mj' play to tho stage, where I did 
not doubt of acipiiring a largo share of famo 
as well as fortune ; in which case I should not 
bo unmindful of my friends and benefactors. 
My cousin was ravished with tho prospect 
of my felicitj-, ami willingly contributed to- 
wards tho expense of fitting mo out for my 
expedition. 

' Accordingly I took a place in tho waggon, 
and arrived in toA\Ti, where I hired an apart- 
ment in a garret, willing to live as frugally as 
possible, until I shoidd know what I had to 
exi)ect froni tho manager, to whom I intended 
to offer my plaj*. For, though I looked upon 
myself as perfectly secure of a good reception, 
imagining that a patentee would bo as eager 
to receive as I to present my production, I 
did not know whether or not he miglit bo 
pre-engaged in favour of another author, a 
circumstance that would certainly retard my 
success. On this consideration, too. I deter- 
termined to be speedy in my application, and 
even to w.ait upon one of the managers the 
very next day. For thus purpose, I inquired 
of my landlonl if he knew where either or 
both of them lived : and he, being curious to 
know my business, and at tho samo time ap- 
jioaring to be a very honest friendly man (a 
tallow chandler), I made him acquainted with 
my design ; upon which he told me that I went 



1G6 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



tho wrong way to work; that I would not 
find such easy access to a manager as I ima- 
gined ; and that if I delivered my performance 
without proper recommendation, it would be 
as one to a thousand if ever it would be 
minded. "Take my advice," said he, "and 
your business is done. One of the patentees 
is a good catholic, as I am, and uses the same 
father who confesses me. I will make_ you 
acquainted with this good priest, who is an 
excellent scholar, and if he should approve of 
your play, his recommendation will go a 
great way in determining Mr. Supple to bring 
it on the stage." I applauded his expedient, 
and was introduced to the friar, who, having 
perused the tragedy, was pleased to signify 
his approbation, and commend^! me in par- 
ticular for having avoided all reflections upon 
religion. He promised to use all his influence 
with his son Supple in my behalf, and to 
inform himself that very day at what time it 
would be proper for mo to wait upon him 
•\\'ith the piece. He was punctual in perform- 
ing his engagement, and next morning gave 
me to understand that he had mentioned my 
aff"air to tho manager, and that I had no more 
to do than to go to his house any time in the 
forenoon, and make use of his name, upon 
which I should find immediate admittance. 
I took his advice, put my performance in my 
bosom, and, having received directions, went 
immediately to the house of Mr. Supple, and 
knocked at tho door, which had a wicket in 
tho middle, faced with a net-work of iron. 
Through this a servant having viewed me for 
some time, demanded to know my business. 
I told him my business M'as with Mr. Supple, 
and that I came from Mr. O'Varnish. He ex- 
amined my appearance once more, then went 
away, returned in a few minutes, and said his 
master was busy, and could not bo seen. Al- 
though I was a little mortified at my disap- 
pointment, I was ])ersuadod that my reception 
was owing to Mr. Supplo's ignorance of my 
errand : and, that I might meeb with no more 
obstructions of the same kind, I desired Mr. 
O'Varnish to be my introductor tho next 
time. He complied with my rc(iuest, and ob- 
tuined iuuncdiate admittance to the manager, 
who received mo with tho utmost civility, 
and i)romised to read my play with the first 
convenience. By his own appointment I called 
again in a fortnight, but ho was gone out : I 
returned in a week after, and tlie poor gentle- 
man was extremely ill : I renewed my visit in 
a fortnight after that, and ho assured me he 
had been so much fatigued with business, that 
ho had not been able as yet to read it to an 
end, but he would take the first opportunity ; 
and, in the meantime, observed that what ho 
had yet seen of it was very entertaining. I 
comforted myself ANith this declaration a few 
weeks longer, at tho end of which I appeared 
iig.'iin before Ins wicket, was let in, and found 
liiui laid up wii.h tho gout. I no sooner en- 
tered his chamber than, looking at me with a 
languishing eye, he said, '■ Mr. Melopojm, I'm 



heartily sorry for an accident that has hap- 
pened during my illness. You must know 
that my eldest boy, finding your manuscript 
upon the table in the dining-room, where I 
used to read it, carried it into tho kitchen, 
and leaving it there, a negligent wench of a 
cook-maid, mistaking it for waste paper, has 
expended it all but a few leaves in singing 
fowls upon the spit. But I hope the misfor- 
tune is not irreparable, since, no doubt, you 
have several copies." 

' I protest to you, my good friend, Mr. Ran- 
dom, I wa-s extremely shocked at this informa- 
tion ; but the good-natured gentleman seemed 
to be so much affected with my misfortune, 
that I suppressed my concern, and told him 
that, although I had not another copv, I 
should bo able to retrieve the loss by -writing 
another from my memory, which was very te- 
nacious. You cannot imagine hov/ well jileased 
Mr. Supple was at this assurance ; ho begged 
I would set about it immediately, and carefully 
revolve and recollect every circumstance be- 
fore I pretended to commit it to paper, that 
it might be the same individual play that ho 
had perused. Encouraged by this injunction, 
which plainly demonstrated how much he in- 
terested himself in the affair. I tasked my re- 
membrance and industry, and in three weeks 
produced the exact image of the former, which 
was conveyed to him by my good friend Father 
O'Varnish, who told me next day, that Mr. 
Supple would revise it superficially, in order 
to judge of its sameness with tho other, and 
then give his final answer. For this examina- 
tion I allotted a week : and, in full confidence 
of seeing it acted in a little while, demanded 
an au<lienco of the manager, when that term 
was expired. But, alas ! the season had slip- 
ped away insensibly. Ho convinced me, that 
if my play had been put into rohoar.sal at that 
time, it could not have been ready for perform- 
ing until the end of March, when the benefit 
nights came on ; consequently, it would have 
interfered with the interest of tho players, 
whom it was not my business to disoblige. 

' I was fain to acquiesce in these reasons, 
which, to bo sure, were extremely just; and 
to reserve my performance for the next season, 
when ho hoped I would not bo so unlucky. 
Although it was a grievous disappointment 
to mo, who, by this time, began to want both 
money and necessaries ; having on the strength 
of my expectation from the theatre, launched 
out into some extravagances, by which the 
sum I brought to town was already almost 
consumed. Indeed, I ought to be ashamed 
at this circumstance of my conduct ; for my 
finances were sufficient, with good economy, 
to have maintained me comfortably a whole 
year. You will perhaps be amazed when I 
tell you that, in six months, I expended not a 
farthing loss than ten guineas : but, when ono 
considers the temptations to which a young 
man is exposed in this great city, especially 
if he be addicted to pleasure, as I am, the 
wonder will vanish, or at least abate. Nor 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



1G7 



was the cause of my concern limited to my 
own situation entirely : I had written an ac- 
count of uiy good reception to my kinsman 
the farmer, and desirod him to depend upon 
me for the tnonoy he had kindly accommodatcil 
me with about the end of February, which 
promise I now found myself imable to per- 
form. However, there v.as no remedy but 
patience : I applied to my landlord, who was 
a very good-natured man, candidly owned my 
distress, and begged his atlvico in laying downi 
some plan for my subsistence ; he readily pro- 
mised to consult his confessor on this subject, 
and, in the meantime, told me, I was welcome 
to lodge and board with him luitil fortune 
should put it in my power to make restitution. 

' Mr. O' Varnish, being informed of my ne- 
cessity, offered to introduce mo to the author 
of a weekly paper, who, ho did not doubt, 
would employ mo in that way, provided ho 
should find mo duly qualified ; but, upon in- 
quiry, I imderstood that this journal was cal- 
culated to foment divisions in the common- 
wealth, and therefore I desired to be excused 
from engaging in it. Ho then proposed that 
I should write something in tho iiootical way, 
which I might dispose of to a bookseller for 
a pretty sum of rciuly money, and, perhaps, 
establish my own character into the bargain. 
This event would infallibly procure friends, 
and my tragedy Avould appear next season to 
the best advantage, by being supported both 
by interest and reputation. I was charmed 
•with this prospect, and having heard what 
friends Mr. Pope acquired by his Piistorals, 
set about a work of that kind, and in less 
than six weeks composed as many eclogues, 
which I forthwith olfered to an eminent book- 
seller, who desired me to leave them for his 
Semsal, and he would givo an answer in two 
ays. At the end of that time, I went to him, 
when heretumed the poems, telling mo, they 
woiUd not answer his purpose, and sweetened 
his refusal by saying there were some good 
olever lines iii them. Not a little dejected at 
this rebuff, which, I learned from Mr. 
O'Vamish, was owing to tho opinion of 
another author, whom this bookseller always 
consulted on these occasions, I applied to 
another person of the same profession, who 
told mo the town was cloyed with pastorals, 
and advised mo, if I intended to profit by my 
talents, to write something satirical or lus- 
cious, such as the Button Hole, Shockey and 
Towzer, Tlie Lcahj Vessel, &c., and yet this 
was a man in years, who wore a reverend 
periwig, looked like a senator, and went regu- 
larly to church. Bo that as it will, I scorned 
to prostitute my pen in tho manner he pro- 
posed, and carried my papers to a third, who 
assured me that poetry was entirely out of 
his way ; and asked me if I had got never a 
piece of secret history, thrown into a series 
of letters, or a volume of adventures, such as 
those of Robinson Crusoe, and Colonel Jack, 
or a collection of Conundrums, wherewith to 

Btertain the plantations. Being quite un- 



furnished for this dealer, I had recourse to 
another with as littlo success ; and I verily 
believe, was rejected by the whole trade. 

' I was afterwards persuaded to offer myself 
an a translator, and acconlingly repaired to a 
person who was said to entertain nuHibers of 
that class in his pay : he assured me, he had 
already a great deal of that work on his hands, 
which he did not know what to do with ; ob- 
served that translations were a mere drug, 
that branch of literature being overstocked 
with an inundation of authors from North 
Britain ; and asked what I would expect per 
sheet for rendering the Latin classics into 
English. That I might not make myself too 
cheap, I determined to set a high price upon 
my qualifications, and demanded half-a-guinea 
for every translated sheet. " Half-a-guinoa !" 
cried he, staring at mo ; then paused a little, 
and said, ho had no occasion for my service 
at present. 1 found my error, and, resolving 
to make amends, fell one-half in my demand j 
upon which ho stared at me again, and told 
me his hands were full. I attempted others 
without finding employment, and was actually 
reduced to a very uncomfortable prospect, 
when I bethought myself of offering my 
talents to the printers of halfpenny ballads, 
and other such occasional essays, as are 
hawked about the streets. With this view, 
I applied to one of the most noted and vocife- 
rous of this tribe, who directed mo to a person 
whom I found entertaining a whole crowd of 
them with gin, bread, and cheese ; he carried 
mo into a little back parlour, very neatly 
furnished, where I signified my desire of being 
enrolled among his writers ; and was asked 
what kind of composition I professed. Under- 
standing that my inclination leaned towards 
poetry, ho expressed his satisfaction, telling 
mo one of his poets had lost his sen.ses, and 
was confined in Bedlam, and tho other was 
become dozed with drinking drams ; so that 
ho had not done anything tolerable thcso 
many weeks. When I proposed that wo 
should enter into terms of agreement, he gave 
mo to understand that his bargains were 
always conditional, and his authors paid in 
proportion to the sale of their works. 

' Having therefore settled those conditions, 
which (I do assure you) were not very advan- 
tageous to me, he assigned me a subject for a 
ballad, which was to be finished in two hours ; 
and I retired to my garret in order to perform 
his injunction. As the theme happened to 
suit my fancy, I completed a pretty sort of an 
ode within tho time prescribed, and brought 
it to him, big with hope of profit and applause. 
He read it in a twinkling, and, to my utter 
astonishment, told me it Avould not do ; though 
indeed ho owned I wrote a good hand, and 
speUod very well, but my language was too 
high flo%vn, and of consequence not at all 
adapted to the capacity and taste of his cus- 
tomers. I promised to rectify that mistake, 
and in half an hour humbled my style to tho 
comprehension of vulgar readers ; he approved 



1C8 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



of the alteration, and gave me some hopes of 
succeeding in time, though he observed that 
my ijerformance was very deficient in tlie 
quaintness of expression that pleases the mul- 
titude : however, to encourage me, he ventured 
the expense of printing and paper, and, if I re- 
member aright, my shareof the sale amounted 
to fourpence halfpenny. 

' From that day I studied the Grub Street 
manner with great diligence, and at length 
became such a proficient, that my works were 
in great request among the most polite of the 
chairmen, draymen, hackney-coachmen, foot- 
men, and servant maids : nay, I have enjoyed 
the pleasure of seeing my pi-oductions adorned 
with cuts, pasted upon the wall as ornaments 
in beer cellars and cobblers' stalls ; and have 
actually heard them sung in clubs of sub- 
stantial tradesmen — but empty praise (you 
know, my dear friend) will not supply the 
cravings of nature. I found myself in danger 
of starving in the midst of all my fame ; for 
of ten songs I composed, it was well it" two 
had the good fortuno to please. For this rea- 
son I turned my thoughts to prose, and, during 
a tract of gloomy weather, published an ap- 
l)arition, on the substance of which I subsisted 
very comfortably a whole month ; I have made 
many a good meal upon a monster ; a rapdflia^ 
often afforded mo great satisfaction ; but a 
murder, well timed, was my never-faUing re- 
source. What then :- I w.as a most miserable 
slave to my employers, who expected to be 
furnished at a minute's warning with proso 
and verse, just as they tliought the circum- 
stances of the times required, whether the in- 
(;lination was absent or present. Upon my 
sincerity, Mr. Random, I have been so much 
])estercd and besieged by those children of 
clamour, that life became a bui'deu to me.' 



CHAPTER LXIII. 

The Continuation and Conclusion of 
Mr. Melopoi/n's Story. 

' r MADE shift, notwithstanding, to maintain 
X myself till the beginning of next winter, 
when I renewed my addresses to my friend 
Mr. Supple, and was most graciously received. 
" I have been thinlcing of your affair, Mr. Me- 
lopoyn," said he, " and am determined to show 
how far I have your interest at heart, by 
introducing you to a young nobleman of my 
acquaintance, wlio is remarkable for his fine 
taste in dramatic writings, and is besides a 
man of such influence that, if once ho should 
approve of your play, his jiatronago will sup- 
port it against all the etforts of envy and 
ignorance ; for, I do assure you, that merit 
alone will not bring success. I have already 
spoken of your performance to Lord Rattle, 
audit you will call at my house in a day or 
two, you shall have a letter of introduction to 
his lordship." I was sensibly touched with 
this mark of Mr. Supple's friendship ; and 
looking upon my affair as already done, went 



home and imparted my good fortuno to my 
landlord, who, to render my appearance more 
acceptable to my p?.tron, procured a suit of 
new clothes for mo on his own credit. 

' Not to trouble you with idle particulars, I 
carried my tragedy to his lordship's lodgings, 
and sent it up along with Mr. Supple's letter 
by one of his servants, who desired me, by his 
lord's order, to return in a week. I did so, 
and was admitted to his lordship, who received 
me very courteously, told me he had perused 
my play, which he thought, on the whole, 
was the best coup-d'essa i he had ever seen ; 
but that he had marked some places in the 
margin, which he imagined might be altered 
for the better. I was transported with this 
reception, and promised (with many acknow- 
ledgments of his lordship's generosity) to be 
governed solely by his advice and dii-ection. 

" Well, then," said he, " write another fair 
copy with the alterations I have proposed, 
and bring it to me as soon as possible ; for I 
am resolved to have it brought on the stage 
this winter." You may be sure I set about 
this tuiik with alacrity ; and although I found 
his lordship's remarks much more numerous 
and of less importance than I expected, I 
thought it was not my interest to dispute 
upon trifles with my patron ; therefore new 
modelled it according to his desire in less 
than a month. 

' When I waited upon him with the manu- 
script, I found one of the actors at breakfast 
with his lordship, who immediately introduced 
him to my acquaintance, and desired him 
to read a scene of my play. This task ho 
performed very much to my satisfaction, with 
regard to emphasis and pronunciation ; but 
he signified his disgust at several words in 
every page, which I presuming to defend. 
Lord Rattle told me, with a peremptory look, I 
must not pretend to dispute with him, who 
had been a player these twenty years, and 
understood the economy of the stage bettor 
than any man living. I was forced to submit; 
and his lordship proposed the same actor 
should read the whole play in the evenuig, 
before some gentlemen of his acquaintance, 
whom he would convene to his lodgings for 
that purpose. 

' I was present at the rep-ding ; and I protest 
to you, my dear friend, I never underwent 
such a severe trial in the whole course of my 
life, as at that juncture ; for although the 
player might be a very honest man and a good 
performer, he was excessively illiterate and 
assuming, and made a thousand frivolous ob- 
jections, which I was not permitted to answer. 
However, the piece was very much applauded 
on the whole ; the gentlemen present, who, I 
understood, were men of fortune, promised to 
countenance and support it as mucli as they 
could ; and Lord Rattle, assuring me that he 
would act the part of a careful nurse to it, 
desired me to carry it home, and alter it im- 
mediately according to their remarks. I was 
fain to acquiesce in his determination, and 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



1G9 



fulfilled his injunctions with all the expedition 
in my power ; bat, before I could present the 
new copy, my good friend Mr. Supple had 
disposed of his property and patent to one Mr. 
Braycr ; so that fresh interest was to bo made 
with the new manager. This task Lord Rattle 
undertook, having some acquaintance with 
him, and recommended my performances so 
strongly that it was received. 

' I looked upon my.s'elf now as upon the oto 
of reaping the fruits of all my labour. I 
waited a few days in expectation of its being 
put in rehearsal, and wondering at the delay, 
applied to my worthy patron, who excused 
Mr. Brayer on account of tho multiplicity of 
business in which he Avas involved, and bado 
mo beware of teasing the patentee. I trea- 
sured up this caution, and exortcl my patience 
three weeks longer ; at the end of which his 
lordship gave mo to understand that Mr. 
Braj'or had read my play, ond owned it had 
indubitable merit ; but, as he had long been 
pre-engaged to anotlior author, ho could not 
possibly represent it that season ; though, if 
I woidd reserve it for the next, and in the 
interim make such alterations as ho had pro- 
posed by ob.servations on the margin, I might 
depend upon his compliance. 

'Thunderstruck at this disappointment, I 
could not, for some minutes, utter one syllable. 
At length, however, I complained bitterly of 
the manager's insincerity in amusing mo so 
long, when ho knew from the beginning that 
he could not gratify my desire. But hi.s lord- 
ship reprimanded mo for my freedom, said 
Mr. Brayer was a man of honour, and im- 
puted his behaviour with respect to mo to 
nothing olso but forgetfulnoss. And indeed I 
have had some reason, since that time, to be 
convinced of his bad memory ; for, in spite of 
appearances, I will not allow myself to in- 
terpret his conduct in any other way. Lord 
Rattle observing mo vcrj' much affected with 
my disappointment, offered his interest to 
bring on my play at tho other house, which I 
eagerly accepting, he forthwith wrote a letter 
of recommendation to Mr. Bcllower, actor and 
prime minister to Mr. Vandal, proprietor of 
that theatre, and desired mo to deliver it with 
my tragedy, without loss of timo. Accord- 
ingly, I hastened to his house, where, after 
having waited a wholo hour in tho lobby, I 
was admitted to hi.s presence, and my per- 
formance received with great state. He told 
me ho was extremely busy at present, but ho 
would peruse it as soon as possible ; and bado 
me call again in a week. I took my leave, not 
a little ii.stonislied at the pert and superci- 
lious behaviour of this stago player, who ha<l 
not treated mo ^Wth good manners ; and began 
to think the dignity of a poet greatly impaired 
since the days of Euripides and Sophocles ; 
but all this M'as nothing in comparison of 
what I have since observed. 

' Well, Mr. Random, I went back at the ap- 
pointed time, and was told that Mr. Bellower 
was engaged, and could not see me. I re- 



peated my visit a few days after, and having 
waited a considerable time was favoured with 
an audience, during which, he said, ho had 
not as yet read my play. Nettled at this 
usage, I could contain myself no longer, but, 
telling him, I imagined he would have paid 
moi-e deference to Lord Rattle's recommen- 
dation, demanded my manuscript with somo 
expression of resentment. " Ay," said he, in a 
theatrical tone, " with all my heart." Then 
pulling out the drawer of the bureau at •which 
ho sat, he took out a bundle, and throw it 
upon a table that was near him, pronouncing 
tho word, " There ! " with great disdain. I 
took it up, and percei\-ing with some surprise, 
that it was a comedy, told him it did not 
belong to me : upon which he ofFei'ed mo 
another, which I also disclaimed. A third 
was produced, and rejected for the samo 
reason. At length he pulled out a wholo 
handful, and spreaxl them before me, saying, 
" There are seven- — take which you please — or 
take them all." I singled out my own, and 
went away, struck dumb with admiration at 
what T had seen — not so much on account of 
his insolence, as of tho number of new plays 
which from this circumstanco I concluded 
were yeaily offered to the stage. You may 
bo sure, I did not fail to carry my complaint 
to my patron, who did not receive it with all 
tho indignation I expected ; but taxed mo 
with precipitation, and told mo I must lay 
my account with bearing tho humours of tho 
players, if I intended to write for tho stage. 
"There is now no other remedy," said he, "but 
to keep it till the next se.isou for Mr. Braj'cr, 
and alter it at your leisure, in tho summer, 
accoriling to his directions." I was now re- 
duced to a terrible altomativo, cither to quit 
all hopes of my tragedy, from which I had 
all along promised myself a large share of 
fortune and reputation, or to encounter eight 
long months of adversity in preparing for and 
expecting its ajipearanco. This last penance, 
painful as it was, seemed most eligible to my 
reflection at that time, and therefore I resolved 
to undergo it. 

' Why should I tire you with particulars of 
no consequence ':' I wrestled with extremo 
poverty until the time of my probation was 
expired ; and went to my Lord Rattle, in order 
to remind him of my aft'air, when I understood, 
to my great concern, that his lordship was 
just on the point of going abroad, and which 
was still more unfortunate for me, Mr. Brayer 
had gone into tho counti-y ; so that my gene- 
rous patron had it not in his power to intro- 
duce mo personally, as ho intended : however, 
ho wrote a very strong letter to tho ma- 
nager in my favour, and put him in mind 
of the promise he had made in behalf of my 
play. 

' As soon as I was certified of Brayer's re- 
turn, I went to his house with this letter, but 
was told he was gone out, I called again 
next day early in the morning, received the 
same answer, and was desired to leave my 



l^o 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



namo and business : 1 did so, and rotumed 
the day after, -when tlie servant still ailirmed 
that his master was gone abroad ; though I 
perceived him, as I retired, observing me 
tiirough a window. Incensed at this dis- 
covery, I went to a coflfee-house hard by, and, 
inclosing his lordship's letter in one from 
myself, demanded a categorical answer. I 
sent it to his house by a porter, who returned 
in a few minutes, and told me Mr. Brayer 
would be glad to see me at that instant. I 
obeyed the summons, and was received with 
such profusion of compliments and apologies, 
that my resentment immediately subsided, 
and I was even in pain for tlie concern which 
this honest man showed at the mistake of his 
servant, who, it seems, had been ordered to 
deny him to everybody but me. Ho ex- 
pressed the utmost veneration for his good 
and noble friend, Lord Rattle, whom he should 
always be proud to serve ; promised to peruse 
the play with all dispatch, and give me a 
meeting upon it : and, as a testimony of his 
esteem, made me a present of a general order 
for the season, by which I should be admitted 
to any part of the theatre. This was a very 
agreeable compliment to mo, whose greatest 
pleasure consisted in seeing dramatic perform- 
ances, and you need not doubt that I often 
availed myself of my privilege. As I had an 
npportunitj" of being behind the scones when 
I pleased, I frequently conversed with Mr. 
Brayer about my play, an<l asked when lio 
meant to put it into rehearsal ; but he had 
always so much business ".ipon his hands, 
that it remained with him unopened a con- 
siderable while; and I became very uneasy 
about the season, tliat wasted apace, when I 
saw in the papers another new play advertised, 
which had been written, oftered, accepted, 
and rehearsed, in the compass of three months. 
You may easily guess how much I was con- 
founded at this event ! I own to you that, 
in the first transports of my anger, I sus- 
pected Mr. Brayer of having acted towards 
me in the most pitiful perfidious manner ; and 
was actually glad at his disappointment in 
the success of his favourite piece, wliich, by 
the strength of art, lingered till the third 
night, and then died in a deplorable manner. 
But now that passion has no share in my 
reflection, I am willing to ascribe his be- 
haviour to his want of memory or want of 
.iudgment, which, you know, are natural de- 
fects, that are more worthy of compassion 
than reproach. 

'About this time I happened to be in com- 
pany with a gentlewoman, who, having heard 
of my trixgedy, told me, she was well ac- 
quainted with the wife of a gentleman who 
was very well known to a lady, who had great 
interest with a person who was intimate with 
Earl Sheorwit : and that, if I pleased, she 
would use her influence in my behalf. As 
this nobleman bad the character of aMiucenas 
in the nation, and could stam]! a value upon 
any work bj' his sole couutenauco and appro- 



bation, I accepted her o&er with eagerness, 
in full confidence of seeing my reputation 
established, and my wishes fulfilled in a very 
short time, provided that I should have the 
good fortune to please his lordship's taste. 
I withdrew the manuscript ti'om the hands of 
Mr. Brayer, and committed it to the care of 
this gentlewoman, who laboured so effectually 
in my interest, that in less than a month it 
was conveyed to the earl, and in a few weeks 
after, I had the satisfaction to hear that he 
had read and approved it verj' much. Trans- 
ported with this piece of intelJigence, I flat- 
tered mj'self with the hopes of his interesting 
himself in its favour; but, hearing no more 
of this matter in three whole months, I began 
(God forgive me !) to suspect the veracity of 
the person who brought me the good tidings ; 
for I thought it impossible that a man of 
his rank and character, who knew the 
difficulty of ^VTiting a good tragedy, and 
understood the dignity of the work, should 
read and applaud an essay of this kind, with- 
out feeling an inclination to befriend the 
author, whom his countenance alone could 
raise above dependence. But it was not long 
before I found my friend very much wronged 
by my opinion. 

' You must know, that the civilities I had 
received from Lord llattle, and the desire ho 
manifested to promote the success of my play, 
encouraged me to write an account of my bad 
fortune to Lis lordship, who condescended so 
far as to desire, lij' letter, a young squire of a 
great estate, with whom he was intimate, to 
espouse my cause, and, in particular, make 
me accjuainied with one Mr. Marmozet, a 
celebrated player, who had lately appeared on 
the stage with astonishing dclaf, and boro 
such sway in the house where he acted, that 
the managers durst not refuse anything he 
recommended. The young gentleman, whom 
Lord Rattle liad employed for this purpose, 
being difiident of his own interest with Mr. 
Marmozet, had recourse to a nobleman of his 
acquaintance, who, at his solicitation, was so 
good as to introduce mo to him ; and the 
conversation turning upon my performance, 
I was not a little surprised, as well as pleased, 
to hear that Earl Shcerwit hail spoken very 
much in its praise, and even sent Mr. Marmozet 
the co])y, with a message, expressing a desire 
that lie would act in it next season. Nor was 
this favourite autor backward in commending 
the piece, which ho mentioned with some 
expressions of regai-d, that I do not choose to 
repeat : assuring me that lie would appear in 
it, provided he should he engaged to play at 
all during the ensuing .season. In the mean- 
time, he desired I would give him leave to 
peruse it in the country, whither ho intended 
to remove next day, that ho might have 
Icisui-e to consider and point out such altera- 
tions as might, perhaps, be necessary for its 
representation ; and took my direction, that 
he might communicate by letter the observa- 
tions ho should make. Trusting to these 



RODERICK RAXDOM. 



171 



assurances, and the interest wlxicli had been 
made in my behalf, I hugged myself in the 
oipeotatlon of seeing it, not only acted, but 
acted to the greatest advantage, and this I 
thought could not fail of recompensing mo in 
an ample manner for the anxiety and afllic- 
tion I had undergone ; but six weeks being 
elapsed, I did not know how to reconcile 
Mr. Marniozet's silence with his promise of 
writing to me in ten days after he set out for 
the country ; however, I was at last favoured 
with a letter, importing that he had made 
some remarks on my tragedy, which he would 
freely impart at meeting, and advised mo to 
put it, without loss of time, into the hands of 
that manager, who had the best company ; aa 
he himself was quite uncertain whether or 
not he should be engaged that winter. I was 
a good deal alarmed at this last part of his 
letter, and advised about it with a fi-iend, 
who told me, it was a plain indication of 
Mr. Marmozet'a desire to get rid of his jn-o- 
mise ; that his pretended uncertainty about 
acting next winter was no other than a scan- 
dalous evasion ; for, to his certain knowledge, 
ho was already engaged, or at least in terms, 
with Mr. Vandal ; and that his design was to 
disappoint mo, in favour of a new comedy, 
which he had purchased of the author, and 
intended to bring upon the stage for his own 
advantage. 

' In short, my dear sir, this person, who, I 
must own, is if a sanguine complexion, han- 
dled the nigral eharaf-ter of Mr. Marmozet with 
such severity, that I began to suspect him of 
some particular ))rejudico, and put myself 
upon my guard against his insinuations. I 
ought to crave pardon for this tedious narra- 
tion of trivial circumstances, which, however 
interesting tlioy may be to me, must certainly 
be very dry and insipid to the ear of one 
unconcerned in the alfair. But I understand 
the meaning of your looks, and will proceed. 
' Well, sir, Mr. Marmozet, upon his return 
to town, treated me with uncommon com- 
plaisance, and invited me to his lodgings, 
where he proposed to communicate his re- 
marks, which, I confess, were more unfavour- 
able than I expected ; but I answered his 
objections, and, as I thought, brought him 
over to ray opinion ; for, on the whole, ho 
signified the highest approbation of the per- 
formance. In the course of our dispute, I 
was not a little surprised to find this poor 
gentleman's memory so treacherous, as to let 
him forget what he had said to me, before ho 
went out of town, in regard to Earl Sheerwit's 
opinion of my plaj% which he now professed 
himself ignorant of; and I Wiis extremely 
mortified at hearing from his own mouth, 
that his interest with Mr. Vandal was so very 
low as to be insufficient of itself to bring a 
new piece upon the stage. I then begged his 
advice, and he counselled me to apply to 
Earl Slieerwit, for a message in my favour to 
the manager, who would not presume to refuse 
anything recommended by so great a man ; 



and lie was so kind as to promise to second 
this message with all his power. I had imme- 
diate recourse to the worthy gentlewoman 
my friend, already mentioned, who opened 
the channels of her conveyance with such 
expedition, that in a few days I had a promise 
of the message, provided I could assure myself 
of Mr. Vandal's being unengaged to any other 
author; for his lordship. did not choose to 
condescend so far, until he should understand 
that there was a probability (at least) of suc- 
ceeding ; at the same time that blessed mo 
with this piece of news, I was startled at an- 
other, by the same channel of communication ; 
which was, that Mr. Marmozet, before ho 
advised me to this application, had informed 
the earl that he had rciid my play, and found 
it altogether xmfit for the stage. Though I 
could not doubt the certainty of this intelli- 
gence, I believed there was some misapi)ro- 
hension in the case ; and, without taking any 
notice of it, told Mr. Marmozet the answer I 
had been favoured with ; and ho promised to 
ask Mr. Vandal the question proposed. I 
waited upon him in a day or two, when he 
gave mo to understand, that Mr. Vandal 
having professed himself free of all engage- 
ments, ho hod put my play into liis hands, 
and represented it as a piece strongly recom- 
mended by Earl Sheerwit, who (he assured 
him) would honour him with a message in its 
favour ; and he desired me to call for an an- 
swer at Mr. Vandal's house in three days. 1 
followed his directions, and foinid the mana- 
ger, who being made accjuainted with my 
business, o^vned that Mr. Marmozet had given 
him a manuscript play, but denied that ho 
had mentioned Earl Sheerwit's name. "When 
I infoi-med him of the circumstances of the 
afl'air, he said, he had no engagement with 
any author; that he would read my tragedy 
forthwith ; and did not believe he should ven- 
ture to reject it in contradiction to his lord- 
ship's opinion, for which he hail the utmost 
veneration, but put it into rehearsal without 
I0.SS of time. I was so much intoxicated with 
this encouragement, that I overlooked the 
mysterious conduct of Mr. Marmozet, and 
attended the manager at the time appointed, 
when, to my infinite confusion, he pronounced 
my play improper for the stage, and rejected 
it accordingly. As soon as I could recollect 
myself from the disorder into which this un- 
expected refusal had thrown me, I expressed 
a desire of hearing his objections, which were 
so groundless, indistinct, and unintelligible, 
that I persuaded myself he had not at all 
perused the piece, but had been prompted by 
somebody whose lessons he had not rightly 
retained. However, I have been since in- 
formed that the poor man's head, which was 
not naturally very clear, had been disordered 
with superstition, and that he laboured under 
the tyranny of a wife, and the terrors of hell- 
fire at the same time. 

' Precipitated in this manner from the highest 
pinnacle of hope to the abyss of despondence, 



172 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



I was ready to sink under the bnrden of my 
affliction, and, in the bitteniess of my ang^uish, 
could not help entertaininf? some doubts of 
Mr. Marmozet's intei^rity, when I recollected 
and compared the circumstances of his con- 
duct towards me. I was encouraged in this 
suspicion by bcinfr told that my Lord Sheer- 
wit had spoken of his character with great 
contempt : and, iu particular, resented his 
insolence in opposing his own t:iste to that of 
his lordshij), concerninpr my tra{,'edy. While 
I hesitated between ditt'erent opinions of the 
matter, that friend, who (as I told you before) 
was a little hotheaded, favoured me with a 
vi.-5it, and, having heard a circumstantial ac- 
count of the whcjlo affair, could not contain 
his indignation, but affirmed without cere- 
mony that Mr. Marmozet was the sole occa- 
sion of my disappointment ; that he acted 
from first to last with the most perfidious 
dissimulation, cajoling me with insinuating 
civilities, while he underhand em])loyed all 
his art and influence to prejudice the ignorant 
manager against my performance ; that no- 
thing could equal his hypocrisy lint his ava- 
rice, which engrossed the faculties of his soul 
so much, that he scrupled not to be guilty of 
the meanest practices to gratify that sordid 
appetite ; that, in consequence of this dispo- 
sition, he had prostituted his honour in be- 
traying my inexperience, and in undermining 
the interest of another author of established 
reputation, whf) had also offereil a tragedy to 
the stage, which he thought would interfere 
with the success of the comedy he h;ul bought, 
and determined to bring ou at all events. 

' I was shocked at the description of such a 
moustei-, which I could not believe existed iu 
the world, bad as it is, and argued against 
the asseverations of my friend, by demon- 
strating the bad policy of such behaviour, 
which could not fail of entailing infamy upon 
the author ; and the small temptation that a 
man of Mr. Marmozet's figure and success 
could have to consult his interest in such a 
grovelling manner, which mu.st create con- 
tempt and abhorrence of him in his patrons, 
and effectually dejirivo him of the counte- 
nance and protection ho now enjoys in such an 
eminent degree. Ho pretended to laugh at 
my simplicity, and asked, if I know for which 
of his virtues he was so much caressed by the 
people of fashion. " It is not," said he, "for 
the qualities of his heart, that this little paiu- 
site is invited to the tables of dukos and 
lords, who hire extraordinary cooks for his 
entertainment. His avarice they see not, his 
ingratitude they feel not, his hypocrisy accom- 
modates itself to their huniours. and is of 
consequence pleasing: but he is chiefly courted 
for his buffoonery, and will bo admitted into 
the choicest parties of quality for his talent 
of mimicking Punch and his wife Joan, when 
a poet of the most excellent genius is not able 
to attract the least regard." God forbid. Mr. 
Random, that I should crt-dit assertions that 
degrade tlie dignity of our superiors so much, 



and represent that poor man as the most ab- 
ject of all beings ! No. I looked upon them 
as the hJ^)erboles of passion ; and though that 
comedy of Avhich he spoke did actually ap- 
pear, I dare not doubt the innocence of Mr. 
Marmozet, who. I am told, is iis much as ever 
in favour with the earl ; a circumstance that, 
surely, could not be, unless he had vindicated 
his character to the satisfaction of his lord- 
ship. Pray forgive this long digression, and 
give me the hearing a little longer ; for, thank 
heaven ! I am now near the goal. 

' Baffled in all my attempts, I despaired of 
seeing my play acted ; and bethought niviself 
of choosing some employment that might 
afford a sure, though mean subsistence ; but 
my landlord, to whom I was by this time con- 
siderably indebted, and who had laid liis ac- 
count with having his money paid all in a 
heap from the profits of my third night, could 
not brook his disajiiiointment, therefore made 
another effort in my behalf, and, by dint of 
interest, procured a mes.sage from a lady of 
fashion to Mr. Braver, who had always jiro- 
fessod a great veneration for her, desiring that 
he would sot uji my play fortliwith, and a.ssur- 
ing him that she and all her friends would 
sujiport it in the ))erformanee. To strengthen 
my interest, siie engaged his best actors iu 
my cause ; and, in short, exerted lierself so 
much, that it wa.s agaui received, and my 
liDpos began to revive. But Mr. Brajcr, 
honest man, was so much cngrosseil by busi- 
ness of vast consequence, though to appear- 
ance he lijvd nothing at all to do, that ho 
could not find time to read it until the seasou 
was pretty far advanced ; and read it ho nmst, 
for notwithstanding his having perused it be- 
fore, his memory did not retain one circum- 
stance of the matter. 

* At length he favoured it with his attention, 
and having proposed certain alterations, sent 
liis duty to the lady who patronised it, and 
promised, on his honour, to bring it on next 
winter, i>rovided these alterations should bo 
mtule, and the copy delivered to him before 
the end of Ajiril. With au aching heart, I 
submitted to these conditions, and i)erfornied 
them accordingly: but fortune owed mo 
another luiforscen mortification ; Mr. Mar- 
mozet, during the sunmier, became joint 
patentee with Mr. Braver, so that, when I 
claimed performaiu'e of articles, I was told 
ho could do nothing without the consent of 
his partner, who was pre-engaged to another 
author. 

' My condition was rendered desperate by 
the death of my good friend and landlord, 
whose executors obtained a judgment against 
my effects, which they seized, turned me out 
into the streets naked, friendless, and forlorn : 
there I was arrested at the suit of m}' tailor, 
and thrown into this prison, where I have 
made shift to live these five weeks on the 
bounty of my fellow prisoners, who, I hope, 
are not the worse for the instruction and 
good olliccs hy which I manifest my (jrati- 



RODERICK RAyDOJJ:. 



173 



tudo : bnt in spite of "all tlioir charitable 
endeavours, my life was scarce tolerable, until 
your uncommon benevolence enabled ine to 
enjoy it with comfort.' 



CHAFIER LXIV. 

I nm seized with a deep Mdaudu>Jij, and J>c- 
come a Sloucn — am relieved by wi/ Uncle — 
/mj precails xipon me to eiir/age u-ith ]tis 
Oivners, as a Surgeon of the Ship uhich he 
coinmanda — he makes me a considerable 
Present — entertains Strap as his Slen.'ard 
— I tnk<' /citiv of my Friends, and <jo an 
Board — the Ship arrives iii the Downs. 

I SHALL not make any reflection on this 
Btory, in the course of which the reader 
must perooivo how ej^-oj^iously the simplicity 
ami milky disposition of this wortliy man had 
been duped and abused by a set of scoundrels, 
wlio wore so habituated to fiiLschood and 
equivocation, that I verily believed they 
would have found the utmost diJfioulty in 
uttering' one syllable of truth, though their 
lives h:ui depended upon their sincerity. Xot- 
witlistandinff all I had suffered from the 
knavery and selfishness of mankind, I was 
amazed and incensed at the base indiffcrenco 
which suiV ' h uncommon merit as ho 
possessed ; -h in obscurity, and stru?- 

f»lo with all lliu miseries of a lo •■ lmmI ; 

and should have Idossed the ■ . that 

secluded mo from such a perfidious world, 
had not the remombraii^ of the amiable 
Narcissa preserved my attachment to that ■ 
society of which she constituted a part. The 
picture of that lovely creature was the con- 
stant companion of my solitude. How often 
did I contomplate the resemblance of those 
enchantinj,' features that first captivate<l my 
heart I how often tlid 1 weep over those en- 
deariiifj' scenes which her imapre recalled ! and 
how often did I curse my perfidious fate for 
ha\'ini; robbed me of the fair orij^inul I In vain 
did my imaj.nn!i'-i'"'n flatter mo with schemes 
of future happiness : surly reason ahvaj's inter- 
posed, and in a moment overthrew the unsub- 
stantial fabric, by chastising^ the oxtravapanco 
of ray hope, and representing my unhappy 
situation in the right point of view. In 
vain did I fly for rofug'e to the amusements of 
the place, and en'.j:i;jo in the parties of Jack- 
son at cai'ds, billiards, nine-pins, and fives; 
a train of melancholy thou<jhts took posses- 
sion of my soul, which even the conversation 
of Molopoyn could not divert. I ordered 
Strap to inquire every day at Banter's lodg- 
ings, in expectation of hearing' again from my 
charmer ; and my disappointment consi<ler- 
ably augmented my chagrin. My affectionate 
valet was infected with my sorrow, and often 
sat with mo whole hours without speaking, 
uttering sigh for sigh, and shedding tear for 
tear. This fellowship increased our distem- 
per ; lie became incapable of business, and 



was discarded by his master ; while I, seeing 
my money melt away without any certainty 
of deliverance, and, in short, all my hopes 
frustrated, grew negligent of life, lost all ap- 
petite, and degenerated into such a sloven, 
tb.at during the space of three months I was 
neither washed, shifted, nor shaved ; so that 
my face, rendered meagre with alistinenco, 
was obscured with dirt, and ovorshadowed 
with hair, aud my whole appearance squalid 
and even frightful ; when, one day. Strap 
brought mo notice, that there was a man be- 
low who wanted to speak with me. Roused 
at this intelligence, ami in full hopes of re- 
ceiving a letter from the dear object of my 
love, I ran downstairs with the utmost pre- 
cipitation, and found to my infinite surprise 
my generous uncle, Mr. Bowling I Trans- 
ported at the sight, I sprang forward to em- 
brace him. Upon which he started aside with 
great agilitj', drew his hanger, and i>ut himself 
ujjon his guard, crying, 'Avast, brother, avast! 
sheer off. Yo ho ! you ttimkey, why don't you 
keej) a lietter look out ? Here's one of yoiir 
crazy prisonei*s broke from his lashings, I do 
suppose.' I could not help laughii.g henrtiiy 
at his mistake: but this I soon rectifietl by 
my voice, whifh he instantly recollected, and 
fihook me by the haml with great affection, 
testifying his concern at seeing mo in such a 
mi-icruble condition. 

I conducted him to my apai-tment, where, 
in presence of Strap, whom I introduced to 
him as one of my best friends, he gave mo to 
understand, that he was just arrived from the 
Coast of ( luinea, after having made a pretty 
successful voy.ige, in which ho had acted aa 
mate, until the sliip was attacked by a P'rench 
jirivatecr; that the captain being killed dur- 
iiig the engagement,' ho had taken tho com- 
maml, ami was so fortunate as to sink tho 
enemy ; after whi>di exjdoit he fell in with a 
morcliaiit ship from Martinico, laden wirh 
sugar, indigo, and some silver; and by virtue 
of his letter of mai-rpje, attacked, took, and 
carried her safe into Kinsale in Ireland, whero 
she was condemned as a lawful prize ; by 
which means he had not only got a pretty sum 
of money, but also acquired tho favour of his 
owners, who had already conferred upon him 
cho command of a large ship, mounted with 
twenty nine-pounders, ready to sail upon a 
very advantageous voyage, which ho was not 
at liberty to discover, And he assured mo 
that it 'vi-us with tho greatest ditticulty ho 
/ound me, in consequence of a direction left 
for him at his lodgings at Wapping. 

I was rejoiced beyond measure at this 
account of his good fortune ; a:id, at his 
desire, recounted all the adventures that had 
ha;>poned to mo since wo parted. When ho 
understood the particulars of Strap's attach- 
ment to me, ho squeezed his hand very cor- 
dially, and promised to mako a man of him ; 
then, giving mo ten guineas for my prescjit 
occasion, took a direction for tho tailor who 
arrested mo, and went away in order to dis- 



174 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



charge the debt, telling me at parting, that 
he would soon fetch up all my leeway with a 
wet sail. 

I was utterly confounded at this sudden 
transition, which atfected me more than any 
reverse I had formerly felt ; and a crowd of 
incoherent ideas rushed so impetuously upon 
iiiy imagina,tion, that mj' reason could neither 
separate nor connect them ; when Strap, whoso 
joy had manifested itself in a thousand fool- 
eries, came into my room witli his shaving 
iitensils, and without any previous intimation, 
began to lather my beard, whistling with great 
emotion all the while. I started from my 
reverie, and, being too well acquainted with 
Strap to trust mysef in his hands while ho 
was under such agitation, desired to be ex- 
cused, sent for another barber, and suffered 
myself to be trimmed. Hnving performed the ' 
cei'emony of ablution, I shifted, and dressing 
in my gayest apparel, waited for the return of 
my uncle, who was agreeably surjirised at my 
suddeu transformation. 

This boueficent kinsman had satisfied my 
ci-cditor, and obtained an order for my dis- 
charge, so that I v.-as no longer a prisoner ; 
but, as I had some reluctance to part with my 
friends and fellows in distress, I i)rovailed 
111)011 Mr. Bowling to favour us with his com- 
pany, and invited Mr. Molopoyn and Jackson 
to spend the evening at my apai"tment, where 
I regaled them with a supi)er, good wine, and 
the news of my release, on which they heartily 
congi-atulutcd me, notwithstanding the loss 
of my company, whicli, they were pleased to 
say, they should severely feel. As for Jackson, 
his misfortune made so little impression on 
himself, and he was altogether so loose, indif- 
ferent, and indiscreet, that I could scarce pity 
his situation : but I had conceived a vene- 
ration and friendsliip for the poet, who was, 
in all respects, an object much more worthy 
of compassion and regard. "Wlien our guests 
witlidrow, and my uncle had retired, witli an 
intention of visiting me next morning, I made 
up a bimdlo of some linen and other neces- 
saries ; and, bidding Strap carry them to Mr. 
Melopoyn's lodgings, went thither myself, and 
pressed it upon his acceptance, with five 
guineas, whicli, witli much difficulty, ho re- 
ceived, assurini^ me at the same time, that ho 
should never liave it in his power to make 
satisfaction. I then asked if I could servo 
him in any other way ; to which he answered, 
' You have already done too much ; ' and, un- 
able to contain the emotions of his soul any 
longer, burst into tears, and wept aloud.' 
Moved at this spectacle, I left him to his re- 
pose ; and, when my imclo retunied in the 
morning, represented his character in such a 
favourable light, that tlie honest seaman was 
affected with his distress, and determined to 
follow my example, in presenting him with 
five pieces more ; upon which, that I might 
save him some confusion, I advised Mr. Bow- 
ling to inclose it in a letter to be delivered by 
Strap, after wo should be gone. 



This was accordingly done. I took a formal 
leave of all my acquaintance in the gaol ; and, 
just as I was about to step into a hackney 
coach at the gate, Jackson calling me, I re- 
turned, and he asked me in a whisper, if I 
could lend him a shilling ! His demand being 
so moderate, and in all likelihood the last he 
^Nould make upon me, I slipped a guinea into 
his hand, which he no sooner ])erceived, than 
he cried, ' O Jesus, a guinea ! ' then laying 
hold of a button of my coat, bi'oke out into 
an immoderate fit of laughter ; and when his 
convulsion v/as ended, told mo I was an honest 
fellow, and let me go. The coachman was 
ordered to drive to Mr. Bowling's lodgings, 
where, when we arrived, he entered into a 
serious discourse with me, on the subject of 
my situation, and proposed that I should sail 
with him in quality of his surgeon ; in which 
case he would put me in a method of getting 
n fortune in a few years by my o^vn industry ; 
and assured me, that I might expect to inherit 
all that he should die i^ossesscd of, provided I 
should survive him. Thougli I was ])enetratcd 
with a sense of his generosity, I was startled 
at a proposal that offered violence to my love, 
and signified my sentiments on that head, 
which ho did not seem to relish ; but observeil 
that love was the finiit of idleness ; that when 
once I should be omploye<l in business, and 
my mind engaged in makuig money, I should 
be no more troubled with these silly notions, 
which none but your fair-weather Jacks, who 
have nothing but their pleasure to mind, 
ought to entertain. I wsis piciued at this in- 
sinuation, which I U>okcd upon as a reproach, 
and, without giving myself time to deliberate, 
accepted his offer. Ho was overjoyed at my 
compliance, carried me immediately to his 
chief owner, with whom a bargain was struck ; 
so that then I could not retract with honour, 
had I been ever so much averse to the agree- 
ment. Tliat I might not have time to cool, 
ho batle me draw out u list of medicines for a 
comjilement of five hundred men, adapted to 
the distempers of hot climates, and sufficient 
for a voyage of eighteen months ; and carry 
it to a certain wholesale apothecary, who 
would also provide mo in two well-qualified 
mates, ^\^lilo I was thus employed Strap 
came in, and looked very blank, when ho un- 
dei-stood my resolution : however, after a 
pause of some minutes, he insisted upon 
going along with me ; and at my desire was 
made ship's steward by Captain Bowling, 
who promised to be at the expense of fitting 
liim out, and to lend him two hundred pound* 
to purchase an adventure. 

AVheu I had delivered my list of medicines, 
chosen a couple of my own countrymen for 
mates, and bespoke a set of chirurgical instru- 
ments, my uncle told me, that by his last 
voyage he l^'ul cleai-ed almost three thousand 
pounds, one-third of which he would immedi- 
ately make over and put into my hands ; that 
he would procure for me credit to the value 
of a.s much more in such goods as would tm"n 



nODERICK RANDOM. 



173 



to befit account is the country to ishioh we 
wore bound ; and thai, althou*,'!! ho looked 
tipon my interest as his own, he Avould keep 
; iho rcmainiuf^ ]xirt of his fortmio in his own 
^disposal, with a view of preservinpr his indo- 
nendencc, and the i)ower of pnnisliing' me, in 
case I should not make a good use of what 
^c had already bestowed. 

Without troublinfT tho reader with an ac- 
count of the eflFect which this surprising 
generosity had upon my mind, I shall only 
say, that his promises were instantly per- 
formed, and an invoice of merchandise pro- 
per for tho voyage presented to mo, that I 
mi;:ht purcliase the goods, and ship them 
with all expedition. In the midst of this 
hurry, the rcniombraneo of my charming 
Nareissa often interposed, and made mc tho 
most miserable of all mortals. 1 was dis- 
tracted with the thought of being torn from 
her, perhaps for ever ; and though the hope 
of seeing her again might havo supported mo 
under the torments of separation, I could not 
rellect upon the anguish she must feel at part- 
ing with me, and tho incessant sorrows to 
which her tender bosom would be exposed 
during my absence, without being pierced 
with the deepest affliction ! As my imagina- 
tion was daily and nightly upon tho rack to 
invent some method of mitigating this cruel 
stroke, or at least of acquitting my love and 
honour in tho opinion of thi.s gentle creature, 
I at length .stumbled upon an exi)ediont, witli 
which the reader will bo made nc(|uainted in 
duo time ; and, in consequence of my deter- 
mination, became less uneasy and disturbed. 

My business being fini.shed, and the ship 
ready to sail, I resolved to make my last ap- 
pearance among my acquaintance at the f>ther 
end of the town, wlu'ro I ha<l not been since 
my impi-isonment ; and as I hail, liy the a<lvico 
of my uncle, taken off some very rich clothes 
for sale, I put on tho gayest suit in my i)08- 
session, and wont in a chair to tho cotfec- 
house I used to frequent, where I found my 
friend Banter so confounded at tho magni- 
ficence of my dress, that, when I made up to 
him, he gazed at mo with a look of astonish- 
ment, without being able, for some minutes, 
to open his lips ; then pulling me aside l)y 
the sleeve, and fixing his eyes on mine, ac- 
costed me thus: 'Random, where the devil 
have you been ! eh 'f What is tho meaning of 
all tliis finery P ( )ho ! I understand you. You 
arc ju.st arrived from tlio country ! what, tho 
roads are good, eh :-' Well, Random, you are 
a bold fellow, and a lucky fellow ! but take 
care, the pitcher goes often to the well, but 
is broke at last.' So saying, he pointed to his 
collar; by which gesture, and tho broken 
hints he had ejaculated, I found ho suspected 
me of haviu'; ri>l>lied on the hij-'hway : and I 
laughed very heartily at his supposition. 
Without explaining myself any further, T told 
him lie was mistaken in his cimjecture ; that 
I ha<l been for some time past with the rel.a- 
tiou of whom ho had frequently heard me 



speak ; and that, as I should set out next day 
upon my travels, I had come to lake my 
leave of my friends, and to receive of liim tho 
money he had borrowed from me, which, now 
that I Avas going abroad, 1 shoidd certainly 
have occasion for. Ho wiis a little discon- 
certed at this demand ; but, recollecting him- 
self in a moment, swore in an affected passion, 
that I had used him extremely ill, and ho 
would never forgive me for haA'ing, l\y this 
short Avarning, put it out of his power to free 
himself of an obligation he could no longer 
boar. I could not help smiling at this pro- 
tended delicacy, which I commended highly, 
tolling him he needed not to bo uneasy on 
that score, for I would give him a direc- 
tion to a merchant in tho city, with 
Avhom I would leave a discharge for tho 
sum, to be delivered upon payment. Ho 
professed much J03' at this expedient, and 
with great eagerness asked the jicrson's name 
and jjlace of abode, which ho forthwith wrote 
in his pocket-book, assuring me, that ho 
should not bo long in my debt. This affair, 
which I knew he would never after think of, 
being settled to his satisfaction, I sent cards 
to all my friends, desiring tho favour of their 
company at a tavern in the evening, when 
they honoured my invitation, and I luid tho 
I)leasure of treating them in a very elegant 
manner, at which they expressed equal admi- 
ration as applause. Having enjoyed oiu-solves 
till midnight, I took my leave of thorn, and 
was well nigh stifled with caresses : next day, 
I set out with Strap in a postchaiso for 
rSravesend, where we went on board ; and tho 
wind serving, weighed anchor in less than 
twelvo hours. Without meeting with any 
accident, we reached tho Downs, where wo 
were obliged to come to an anchor, and wait 
for an easterly wind to carry us out of tho 
Channel. 



CHAPTER LXV. 
I set out for Sussex — consult Mrs. Sageley — 
rchicve nn Intci-ricw with Nareissa — return. 
In Ihc Ship — ire fjct clear of the Channel — I 
learn our Destination — tec are chased by a, 
larije Ship — the company are dismayed, and. 
encouraged by the Captain's speech — our 
pnrsuer happens to he an English Man of 
War — u-c arri^•e at the Coast of Guinea, 
purchase four hundred Negroes — sail for 
Paraguay, get safe into the Hirer of Plate, 
and stll uur Cargo to great Aduantage. 

IT was now I put in execution the scheme I 
had projected at London ; and asking 
leave of the captain for Strap and me to stay 
on shore till the wind should become favour- 
able, my request was granted, because he had 
oriiersto remain in the Downs until ho should 
receive some dispatchc's from London, which 
he did not expect in less than a week. Having 
imparted my resolution to my trusty valet, 
who (though ho endeavoured to dissuade me 
from such a rash undertaking) would not quit 



176 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



me in the enterprise, I liired liorses, and set 
out immediately for that part of Sussex 
•where my charmer was confined, which was 
not above thirty miles distant from Deal, 
where Ave mounted. As I was perfectly well 
acqiiainted with the extent of the squire's 
estate and influence, I halted within five 
miles of his house, where we remained till 
the twilight, at which time we set forward, 
and, by the favour of a dark nig-ht, reached a 
copse about half-a-mile from the village where 
Mrs. Sagely lived. Here Ave left our horses 
tied to a tree, and Avent directly to the house 
of my old benefactress. Strap trembling all 
the way, and venting ejaculatory petitions to 
heaven for our safety. Her habitation being 
quite solitary, we arrived at the door without 
being observed, AAdien I ordered my companion 
to enter by himself; and, in case there should 
be company with her, deliver a letter which 
I had writ for that purpose, and say that a 
friend of hers in London, understanding that 
he intended to travel this road, had committed 
it to his care. He rapped at the door, to 
Avhich the good old matron coming, told him 
that, being a lone Avoman, he must excuse 
her, if she did not open it, until ho had 
declared his name and business. He an- 
SAvercd, that his name was unknoAvn to her, 
and that his business Avas to deliver a letter, 
Avhich (to free her from all apprehension) he 
Avould convey to her through the space be- 
tAveen the door and threshold. This he in- 
stantly performed : and she no sooner read 
the contents, Avhich specified my being pre- 
sent, than she cried, ' If the ijcrson Avho Avroto 
this letter be at hand, let him speak, that I 
may be assured by his voice Avhether or not I 
may safely admit him.' I forthAvith applied 
my moutla to the keyhole, and pronounced, 
' Dear mother, you need not be afraid, it is I, 
so much indebted to your goodness, who noAV 
crave admittance.' She knev\^ my voice, and 
opening the door immediately, received me 
Avith a truly maternal affection, manifesting, 
by the tears she let fall, her concern lest I 
should be discoA^ered, for she had been in- 
formed of everything that had happened 
between Narcissa and me from the dear cap- 
tive's OAvn mouth. When I explained the 
motive of my journey, Avhich Avas no other 
than a desire of seeing the object of my love 
before I should quit the kingdom, that I 
might in person convince her of the necessity 
I Avas imder to leave her, reconcile her to that 
event, by describing the advantages that in 
all probaljility Avould attend it, repeat my 
voAv.s of eternal constancy, and enjoy the me- 
lancholy pleasure of a tender embrace at 
parting. I say, when I had thus signified my 
intention, Mrs. Sagely told me, that Narcissa, 
upon her return from Bath, had been so 
strictly Avatched, that nobody but one or tAVO 
of the servants, devoted to her brother, Avas 
admitted to her presence ; that afterAvards she 
had been a little enlarged, and Avas permitted 
to see company; during Avhich indulgence, 



she had been several times at the cottage ; but 
of late she had been betrayed by one of the 
servants, Avho discovered to the squire, that 
he had once carried a letter from her to the 
post-house directed to me ; upon Avhich in- 
formation she was noAV more confined than 
ever, and that I could have no chance of see- 
ing her, unless I Avould run the risk of getting 
into the garden, Avhero she and her maid were 
every day allowed to take the air, and lie hid 
until I should have an opportunity of speaking 
to them — an adventure attended Avith such 
danger, that no man in his right wits Avould 
attempt it. This enterprise, hazardous as it 
was, I resolved to perform, in spite of all the 
arguments of Mrs. Sagely, who reasoned, 
chid, and entreated by turns ; and the tears 
and prayers of Strap, Avho conjured me on 
his knees, to have more regard to myself as 
Avell as to him, than to attempt my own de- 
struction in such a precipitate manner. I 
Avas deaf to everything but the suggestions 
of my loA'e ; and ordering him to return 
immediately Avith the horses to the inn from 
Avhonce we set out, and Avait for my coming 
in that place, he at first peremptorily refused 
to leaA^e me, until I persuaded him, that if 
our horses should remain Avhcre they Avero 
till daylight, they Avould certainly be dis- 
covered, and the Avhole country alarmed. On 
this consideration, ho took his leave in a 
sorrowful plight, kissed my hand, and, Aveep- 
ing, cried, ' God knows if ever I shall see 
you again.' My kind landlady, finding me 
obstinate, gave me her best advice how to 
behave in the execution of my project : and 
after liaA'ing persuaded me to take a little 
refreshment, accommodated me with a bed, 
and left me to my repose. Early in the morn- 
ing I arose, and armed with a couple of loaded 
pistols and a hanger, Avent to the back piart 
of the squire's garden, climbed over the Avail, 
and, according to Mrs. Sagely's direction, 
concealed myself in a thicket, hard by an al- 
coA'e that terminated a walk at a good dis- 
tance from the house, which (I was told) my 
mistress mostly frequented. Here I absconded 
from five o'clock in the morning to six in 
the evening, Avithoiit seeing a human crea- 
ture ; at last I perceived tAvo AVoman ap- 
proaching, Avhom, by my throbbing heart, I 
soon recognised to be the adorable Narcissa 
and Miss Williams. I felt the strongest 
agitation of soul at the sight ; and guessing 
that they Avould repose themselves in the 
alcove, stepped into it unperceived, and laid 
upon the stone table a picture of myself in '■ 
miniature, for Avliich I had sat in London, 
purposing to leave it Avith Narcissa before I 
shoidd go abroad. I exposed it in this man- 
ner, as an introduction to my oAvn appearance, 
Avhich, Avithout some previous intimation, I 
Avas afraid might have an unlucky effect upon 
the delicate nerves of my fair enslaA^er ; and 
then withdrcAV into the thicket, Avhere I 
could hear their discourse, and suit myself 
to the circumstances of the occasion. As 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



177 



they advanced, I observed an air of melan- 
\ choly in the countenance of Narcissa, blended 
\with such unspeakable sweetness, that I 
\could scarce refrain from flying into her arms, 
Wd kissing away the pearly drop that stood 
collected in each bewitching eye. According 
b my expectation, she entered the alcove, 
md perceiving something on the table, took 
i\up. No sooner did she cast her eye upon 
tfc features, than, startled at the rcsein- 
blbce, she cried, ' Good God !' and the roses 
ini^ntly vanished from her cheeks. Her 
conVlante, alarmed at this exclarnation, 
loolifd at the picture ; and, struck with the 
lilveiipss, exclaimed, ' O Jesus ! the very 
features of Mr. Eandoni !' Narcissa, having 
recoll\cted herself a little, said, ' AVhatover 
angel brought it hither as a comfort to me 
in my tfHiction, I am thankful for the benefit, 
and wili preserve it as the dearest object of 
my card So saying, she kissed it with sur- 
prising ardour, shed a flood of tears, and 
then depoiited the lifeless imago in her lovely 
bosom. Ivansported at these symptoms of 
her unaltered attection, I was about to throw 
myself at ^er feet, when Miss Williams, 
Avhose reflection was less engaged than that 
of her misti'sss, observed that the picture 
could not transport itself hither, and that 
she could not l,elp thinking I was not far off. 
The gentle Narcissa, starting at this con- 
jecture, answered, ' Heaven forbid ! for al- 
though nothing in the universe could yield 
me satisfaction equal to that of his presence 
for one poor moment, in a proper place, I 
would rather forfeit his comjiany — almost for 
ever, than see him here, where his life would 
be exposed to so much danger.' I coirld no 
longer restrain the impulse of my passion, 
but, brealdng from my concealment, stood 
before her, when she uttered a fearful shriek, 
and fainted in the arms of her companion. I 
flew towards the treasure of my soul, clasped 
her in my embrace, and with the warmth of 
my kisses, brought her again to life. Oh that 
I were endowetl with the expression of a 
Raphael, the graces of a Guide, the magic 
touches of a Titian, that I might represent 
the fond concern, the chastened rapture, and 
ingenuous blush, that mingled on her beau- 
teous face, when she opened her eyes upon 
me, and pronounced, ' O heavens ! is it you ?' 
I am afraid I have already encroached 
upon the reader's patience vnth the par- 
ticulars of this amour, on which (I own) I 
cannot help being impertinently circumstan- 
tial. I shall therefore omit the less material 
passages of this interview, during which I 
Convinced her reason, though I could not 
appease the sad presages of her love, with 
regard to the long voyage and dangers I must 
undergo. When we had spent an hour 
(which was all she could spare from the bar- 
barity of her brother's vigilance) in lamenting 
•ver our hard fate, and in repeating our reci- 
procal vows. Miss Williams reminded us of 
the necessity there was for 'Our immediate 



parting ; and, sure, lovers never parted with 
such sorrow and reluctance as we. But be- 
cause my words are incapable of doing justice 
to this affecting circumstance, I am obliged 
to draw a veil over it, and observe, that I 
returned in the dark to the house of Mrs. 
Sagely, who was overjoyed to hear of my 
success, and opposed the tumults of my grief 
with such strength of reason, that my mind 
regained, in some measure, its tranquillity ; 
and that very night, after having forced upon 
the good gentlewoman a purse of twenty 
guineas, as a token of my gratitude and 
esteem, I took my leave of her, and set out 
on foot for the inn, where my arrival freed 
honest Strap from the horrors of unutterable 
dread. 

We took horse immediately, and alighted 
early ne^t morning at Deal, where I found 
my uncle in great concern on account of my 
absence, because he had received his des- 
patches, and must have weighed with the first 
fair wind, whether I had been on board or 
not. Nest day, a brisk easterly gale springing 
up, we set sail, and in eight and forty hours 
got clear of the Channel. 

Wlien we were about two hundred leagues 
to westward of the Land's End, the captain, 
taking me apart into the cabin, told me that, 
now he v.'as permitted by his instructions, ho 
would disclose the intent and destination of 
our voyage. ' The shiii,' said he, ' which has 
been fitted out at a great expense, is bound 
for the coast of Guinea, where wo shall ex- 
change part of our cargo for slaves and gold 
dust ; from whence we will transport our 
negroes to Buenos Aja-es in New Spain, where 
(by virtue of passports, obtained from our 
own court, and that of Madrid) we will dis- 
pose of them and the goods that remain on 
board for silver, by means of our supercargo, 
who is perfectly well acquainted with the 
coast, the lingo, and inhabitants.' Being thus 
let into the secret of our expedition, I bor- 
rowed of the supercargo a Spanish grammar, 
dictionary, and some other books of the samo 
language, which I studied with such applica- 
tion that, before we arrived in New Spain, I 
could maintain a conversation with him in 
that tongue. Being ai-rived in the warm 
latitudes, I ordered (with the captain's con- 
sent) the whole ship's company to be blooded 
and purged, myself undergoing the same eva- 
cuation, in order to prevent those dangerous 
fevers to which northern constitutions are 
subject in hot climates ; and I have reason to 
believe, that this precaiition was not unser- 
viceable, for we lost but one sailor during our 
whole passage to the coast. 

One day, when we had been about five 
weeks at sea, we descried to windward a largo 
ship bearing down upon us with all the sail 
.she could carry. Upon which, my uncle or- 
dered the studding-sails to be hoisted, and the 
ship to bo cleared for engaging ; but, finding 
that (to use the seaman's phrase) we were 
very mi^ch wronged by the ship which had us 



178 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



1 



iu chase, and which by this time had hoisted 
French colours, he comniaiided the studdiiig'- 
sails to bo taken in, the courses to be clewed 
up, the main topsail to be backed, the tom- 
pions to ho taken out of the guns, and every 
man to roi^air to his quarters. While every- 
body was busied in the performance of these 
orders. Strap came upon the quarter-deck, 
trembling nnd looking aghast, and, with a 
voice half-suppressed by fear, asked if I 
thought we were a match for the vessel in 
pursuit of us. Observing his consternation, 
I said, ' What ! are you afraid. Strap ?' 'Afraid ! 
(ho replied) ; n-n-no ; what should I be afraid 
of? I thank God I have a clear conscience ; 
but I believe it will be a bloody battle, and I 
wish you may not have occasion for another 
hand to assist you in the cock-pit.' I imme- 
diately perceived his drift, and making the 
captain acquainted with his situation, desired 
he might be stationed below with me and my 
mates. My uncle, incensed at his pusillani- 
mity, bade me send him down instantly, that 
his fear might not infect the ship's company ; 
whereupon, I told the poor steward that I 
had begged him for my assistant, and desired 
him to go down and help my mates to get 
ready the instruments and dressings. Not- 
withstanding the satisfaction he must have 
felt at these tidings, he affected a shyness of 
quitting the upper deck ; and said, he hoped 
I did not imagine he was afraid to do his 
duty above board ; for he believed himself as 
well prepared for death as any man in the 
ship, no disparagement to me or the captain. 
I Avas disgusted at this affectation ; and, in 
order to punish his hypocrisy, assured him he 
might take his choice, either of going down 
to the cockpit with me, or of staying \ipon 
deck during the engagement. Alarmed at 
this indifference, he replied, ' Well, to oblige 
you, I'll go down, but remember it is more 
for your sake than my own.' So saying, he 
disappeared in a twinkling, without waiting 
for an answer. 

By this time, we could observe two tier of 
guns in the ship Avhich pursued us, and which 
was now but two short miles astern. This 
discovery had an evident effect upon the 
sailors, who did not scruple to say, that we 
should be torn to pieces, and blown out of 
the Avater, and that, if in ease any of them 
should lose their precious limbs, they must 
go a begging for life, for there was no provi- 
sion made by the merchants for those poor 
souls who are maimed in their service. The 
captain, understanding this backwardness, 
ordered the crew abaft, and spoke to them 
thus : ' My lads, I am told you hang an 
a — se. I have gone to sea thirty years, a man 
and a boy, and never saw English sailors 
afraid boForr-. ]\Iayliap you may think I want 
to expose you for the lucre of gain. Whosoever 
thinks so, thinks a d — ncd lie, for my whole 
cargo is insured ; so that, in case I should be 
taken, my loss would not be great. The 
enemy is stronger than we, to be sure. What 



then ? have we not a chance for carrying 
away one of her masts, and so get clear ofj 
her ? If we find her too hard for us, 'tis bufi 
striking at last. If any man is hurt in th( 
engagement, I promise on tlio word of ai 
honest seaman, to make him a rccompcnie 
according to his loss. So now, you tbt 
are iazy, lubberly, cowardly dogs, get awi.V 
and skulk in the hold and bread-room ; 3id 
you, that are jolly boys, stand by me, ind 
let us give one broadside for the honoir of 
Old England.' This eloquent haranr^ue Av^s so 
well adapted to the disposition of his he;rors, 
that one and all of them, pulling off theiihats, 
waved them over their heads, and sJutecl 
him with three cheers ; upon which h3 sent 
his boy for two large case-bottles of kandy : 
and, having treated every man with t dram, 
they repaired to their quarters, anc" waited 
impatiently for the word of command I must 
do my ixncle the justice to say, thit in the 
whole of his disposition, he behavei with the 
utmost intrepidity, conduct, and deliberation. 
The enemy being very near, he oriiered me to 
my station, and Avas just going to give the 
word for hoisting the colours and firing, 
when the supposed Frenchman hauled down 
his Avhite pennant, jack, and ensign, hoisted 
English ones, and fired a gur a-head of lis. 
This Avas a joyful event to Captain BoAvling, 
Avho immediately shoAved his colours, and fired 
a gun to leew^ard ; upon Avhich the other ship 
ran alongside of us, hailed him, and, giving 
him to know that she Avas aa English man-of- 
war of forty guns, ordered him to hoist out his 
boat and come on board. This command he 
obeyed Avith the more alacrity, because, upon 
inquiry, he found that slie was commanded 
by an old messmate of his. who was overjoyed 
to see him, detained him to dinner, and sent 
his barge for the supercargo and me, Avho Avere 
very much caressed on his account. As this 
commander Avas destined to cruise upon the 
French in the latitude of Martinico, his stem 
and quarters were adorned Avith white fleurs- 
de-lis, and the Avhole shell of the ship so much 
disguised for a decoy to the enemy, that it 
was no wonder my uncle did not knoA\' her, 
although he had sailed on board of her many 
years. We kept company with her four days. 
during Avhich time the captains were never 
asunder, and then parted, our course lying 
different from hers. 

In less than a fortnight after our separation, 
Ave made the land of Guinea, nqar the mouth 
of the Eiver Gambia ; and trading along the 
coast as far to the sonthAvard of the Line as 
Angola and Eengula, in less than six months 
disposed of the greatest part of our cargo, and 
purchased four hundred negroes, my adven- 
ture having been laid out in gold dust. 

Our complement being made up, Ave tnok our 
departure from Cape Ncgroe, and arrived in 
the Kio de la Plata in six weeks, having met 
with nothing remarkable in our vo3'age, ex- 
cept an eijidemic fcA'er, not unlike the jail 
distemper, Avhich broke out among our slaves, 






RODERICK RANDOM. 



179 



'fnd carried off a good many of the ship's com- 
any ; among whom I lost one of my mates, 
lid poor Strap had well nigh given up the 
.giost. Having produced our passport to the 
Skauish governor, wo were received with 
ri^at courtesy, sold our slaves in a very few 
daVs, and could have put off five times the 
nubber at our own price ; thovigh we Avere 
oblted to smuggle the rest of our merchan- 
dise! consisting of European bale-goods, which 
how\ver we made shift to dispose of at a 
greatiad vantage . 



CHAPTER LXVI. 

I am h.vited to the Villa of a Spanish Don, 
V}lic'r\'ive meet vHth an English Oentleman, 
and ni^ke a very interesting discovery — we 
leave Buenos Ayres, and airive at Jamaica. 

OUE ship being freed from the disagreeable 
lading of negroes, to whom indeed I 
had been a miserable slave since our leaving 
the coast of Guinea, I began to enjoy myself, 
and breathe with pleasure the pure air of 
Paraguay, this part of which is reckoned the 
Montpelier of South America, and has ob- 
tained, on account of its climate, the name 
of Buenos Ayres. It was in this delicious 
place that I gave myself entirely up to the 
thoughts of my dear Nareissa, whose image 
still kept possession of my breast, and whose 
charms, enhanced by absence, appeared to 
my imagination, if possible, more engaging 
than ever ! I calculated the profits of my 
voyage, which even exceeded my expecta- 
tion ; resolved to purchase a liandsome 
sinecure upon my arrival in England, and 
if I should find the squire as averse to 
me as ever, marry his sister by stealth; 
and in case our family should increase, rely 
upon the generosity of my uncle, who was 
by this time worth a considerable sum. 

While I amiised myself with these agree- 
able projects, and the transporting hopes of 
enjoyinj<- Nareissa, we were very much ca- 
ressed by the Spanish gentlemen, who fre- 
quently formed parties of pleasure for our 
entertainment, in which we made excursions 
a good way into the country. Among those 
who signalised themselves by their civility to 
us, was one Don Antonio de Ribera, a very 
polite young gentleman, with whom I had 
contracted an intimate friendship, who in- 
vited us one day to his country house, and, 
as a fiu'ther inducement to our compliance, 
promised to procure for us the company of 
an English Signer, who had been settled in 
those parts many years, and acquired the 
love and esteem of the whole province by his 
affability, good sense, and honourable beha- 
viour. 

We accepted his invitation, and set out for 
his villa, where we had not been longer than 
an hour, when the person arrived, in whose 
favour I had been so much prepossessed. He 
was a tall man, remarkably well shaped, of 



a fine mien and appearance, commanding re- 
spect, and seemed to be turned of forty ; the 
features of his face were saddened with a 
reserve and gra^-ity, which in other countries 
would have been thought the effect of melan- 
choly ; but here appeared to have been con- 
tracted by his commerce with the Spaniards, 
who are remarkable for that severity of 
countenance. Understanding from Don An- 
tonio that we were his countrymen, he 
saluted us all round very complacently, and 
fixing his eyes very attentively on me, uttered 
a deep sigh. I had been struck with a pro- 
found veneration for him at liis first coming 
into the room ; and no sooner observed this 
expression of his sorrow, directed, as it were, 
in a particular manner to me, than my heart 
took part in his grief ; I sympathised involun- 
tarily, and sighed in my turn. Having asked 
leave of our entertainer, he accosted us in 
English, professed his satisfaction at seeing 
so many of his countrymen in such a remote 
place, and asked the captain, who went by the 
name of Signer Thoma, from what part of 
Britain he had sailed, and whither he was 
bound. My uncle told him that we had sailed 
from the River Thames, and were bound for 
the same place by the way of Jamaica, where 
we intended to take in a lading of sugar. 

Having satisfied himself in these and other 
jDarticulars about the state of the war, he 
gave us to understand, that he had a longing 
desire to revisit his native country, in conse- 
quence of which he had already transmitted 
to Europe the gi-eatest part of his fortune in 
neutral bottoms, and would willingly embark 
the rest of it with himself in our ship, pro- 
vided the captain had no objection to such a 
passenger. My uncle very prudently rejjlied, 
that for his part he should be glad of his 
company, if he could procure the consent of 
the governor, without which he durst not 
admit him on board, Avhatever inclination he 
had to oblige him. The gentleman approved 
of his discretion, and telling him that there 
would be no difficulty in obtaining the con- 
nivance of the governor, who Avas his good 
friend, shifted the conversation to another 
subject. 

I was overjoyed to hear his intention, and 
already interested myself so much in his 
favour that, had he been disappointed, I should 
have been very unhappy. In the course of 
our entertainment, he eyed me with uncom- 
mon attachment ; I felt a surprising attraction 
towards him ; when he spoke, I listened with 
attention and reverence ; the dig-nity of his 
deportment filled me with affection and awe'; 
and, in short, the emotions of my soul, in 
presence of this stranger, were strong and un- 
accountable. 

Having spent the best part of the day with 
us, he took his leave, telling Captain Thoma, 
that he should hear from him in a short time. 
He was no sooner gone than I asked a thou- 
sand questions about him of Don Antonio, 
who could give me no other satisfaction than 



180 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



I 



that his name was Don Rodrigo, that he had 
lived fifteen or sixteen years in these parts, 
M^as reputed rich, and supposed to have been 
imfoi'tunate in his younger years, because lie 
•\vas observed to nourish a pensive melancholy, 
even from the time of his first settlement 
among them ; but that nobody had ventured 
to inquire into the cause of his sorrow, in 
consideration of his peace, which might suffer 
in the recapitulation of his misfortunes. 

I was seized with an irresistible desire ot 
knowing the particulars of his fate, and enj oy ed 
not one hour of repose during the whole night, 
by reason of the eager conceptions that inspired 
mo with regard to his story, which I resolved 
(if possible) to learn. Next morning, while 
wo were at breakfast, three mules, richly ca- 
parisoned, arrived with a message from Don 
liodrigo, desiring our company, and tliat of 
Don Antonio, at his house, which was situated 
about ten miles farther up in the country. I 
was pleased with this invitation, in conse- 
quence of which we mounted the mules which 
he had provided for us, and alighted at his 
house before noon. Here we were splendidly 
entertained by the generous stranger, who 
still seemed to show a particular regard for 
me, and after dinner made me a present of a 
ring, set with a beautiful amethyst, the pro- 
duction of that country, saying, at the same 
time, that ho was once blessed with a son, 
who, had he lived, would have been nearly of 
niy age. This observation, delivered with a 
profound sigh, made my heart throb with vio- 
lence : a crowd of confused ideas rushed upon 
my imagination, which, while I endeavoured 
to unravel, my uncle perceived my absence of 
thought, and tapping mo on the shoulder, 
said, ' Oons, are you asleep, Eory ?' Before 
I had time to reply, Don Rodrigo, with un- 
common eagerness of voice and look, pro- 
nounced, ' Pray, captain, what is the young 
gentleman's name?' 'His name,' said my 
nncle, • is Roderick Random.' ' Gracious 
Powers ! ' cried the stranger, starting up — 
' And his mother's ? ' ' His mother,' answered 
the captain, amazed, ' was called Charlotte 
Bowling.' '0 bounteous Heaven !' exclaimed 
Don Rodrigo, springing across tho table, and 
clasping me in his arms, ' my son ! my son ! 
have I found thee again ? do I hold theo in 
my embrace, after having lost and despaired 
of seeing thee so long?' So saying, hefell 
upon my neck, and wept aloud with joy ; 
while the power of nature operating strongly 
in my breast. I was lost in rapture, and while 
Jie pressed me to his heart, let fall a shower 
of tears in his bosom. His utterance was 
choked up a good while by the agitation of 
his soul ; at length he broke out into ' Mys- 
terious Providence ! — O my dear Charlotte, 
there yet remains a pledge of our love ! and 
suchapledge ! — so found! O infinite Goodness, 
let me adore thy all-wise decrees ! ' Having 
thus expressed himself, he kneeled upon the 
floor, lifted up his eyes and hands to heaven, 
and remained some minutes in a silent ecstacy 



i 



of devotion. I put myself in the samo posture, 
adored the all-good Dispenser in a prayer o: 
mental thanksgiving : and when his ejacv 
lation was ended, did homage to my fathe', 
and craved his paternal blessing. He hugged 
me again withnnutterable fondness, and havi ig 
implored the protection of Heaven upon ny 
head, raised me from the ground, and pre- 
sented me as his son to the company, vho* 
wept in concert over this aft'ecting scene. 
Among the rest, my uncle did not foil to 
discover the goodness and joy of his leart. 
Albeit unused to tlto mcltiuij mood, he blub-' 
bered with great tenderness, and wringing my 
father's hand, cried, ' Brother Random, I'm 
rejoiced to see you — God be praised I'or this 
happy meeting!' Don Rodrigo, nnderscanding 
that he was his brother-in-law, embraced him 
affectionately, saying ' Are you my Ckarlotte'a 
brother ? Alas ! unhappy Charlotte ! but 
why should I repine ? we shall meet again, 
never more to part ! Brother, you are truly 
welcome. Dear son, I am transported with 
unspeakable joy ! This day is a jubilee — 
my friends and servants shall share my 
satisfaction.' 

While he dispatched messengers to the 
gentlemen in the neighbourhood, to announce 
this event, and gave orders for a grand 
entertainment, I was so much affected with 
the tumults of passion, which assailed mo 
on this great, sudden, and unexpected occa- 
sion, that I fell sick, fevered, and in less than 
three hours became quite delirious ; so that 
the i^reparations were countermanded, and 
the joy of the family converted into grief 
and despair. Physicians were instantly called, 
I was plentifully blooded in the foot, my 
lower extremities were bathed in a decoction 
of salutiferous herbs : in ten hours after I 
was taken ill I enjoyed a critical sweat, and 
next day felt no remains of the distemper, 
but an agreeable lassitude, which did not i 
hinder me from getting up. During the l| 
progress of this fever, which, from the term ' 
of its duration, is called ephemera, my father 
never once quitted my bedside, but adminis- J j 
tered the prescriptions of the physicians with 1| 
the most pious care ; while Captain Bowling 
manifested his concern by the like attendance. 
I no sooner found myself delivered from the 
disease, than I bethought myself of my honest 
friend Strap ; and resolving to make him 
happy forthwith in the knowledge of my good 
fortune, told my father in general, that I had 
been iniinitely obliged to this faithful adherent, 
and begged he would indulge me so far as to 
send for him, without letting him know my 
happiness, until he could receive an account 
of it from my own mouth. 

My request was instantly complied with, 
and a messenger with a spare mule despatched \ 
to tho ship, carrying orders from the captain 
to the mate, to send the steward by the ^ 
bearer. My health being, in the meantime, 
re-established, and my mind composed, I 
began to relish this important turn of my 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



181 



brttine, in reflecting; upon tlie advantafres 
ivitli wliicli it must be attended ; and, as the 
lea of my lovely Narcissa always joined 
liself to eveiy scene of happiness I could 
imagine, I entertained myself now with the 
pMspect of possessing her in that distin- 
gitshed sphere to which she was entitled by 
hei, birth and qualifications. Having often 
mei^tioned her name while I was deprived of 
my senses, my father guessed that there was 
an ii^timate connection between lis, and dis- 
covering the picture which hung in my 
bosom by a ribbon, did not doubt that it was 
the resemblance of my amiable mistress. In 
this belief he was confirmed by my uncle, who 
told him that it was the picture of a young- 
woman, to whom I was under promise of 
marriage. Alarmed at this piece of informa- 
tion, Ddii Rodrigo took the first opportunity 
of questioning mo about the particulars of 
this affair, which when I had candidly re- 
counted, he approved of my xjassion, and 
promised to contribute all in his power 
towards its success. ThoLighl never doubted 
■ his generosity, I was transported on this 
occasion, and, throwing myself at his feet, 
told him, he had now completed my happiness, 
for, Avithout the possession of Narcissa, I 
should be miserable among all the pleasures 
of life. He raised me with a smile of paternal 
fondness ; said he knew what it was to be in 
love ; and observed that, if he had been as 
tenderly beloved by his father as I was by 
mine, he should not now perhaps have cause 
— Here he was interrupted by a sigh, the tear 
rushed mto his eye, suppressed the dictates 
of his grief, and, the time being opportune, 
desired me to relate the passages of my life, 
which my uncle had told him were manifold 
and surprising. I recounted the most material 
circumstances of my fortune, to which he 
listened with wonder and attention, mani- 
festing from time to time those diflerent 
emotions which my different situations may 
be supposed to have raised in a parent's 
breast; and, when my detail was ended, 
blessed God for the adversity I had under- 
gone, which, he said, enlarged the under- 
standing, improved the heart, steeled the 
constitution, and qualified a young man for 
all the duties and enjoyments of life much 
better than any education which afiluence 
could bestow. 

When I had thus satisfied his curiosity, I 
discovered an inclination to hear the par- 
ticulars of his story, whicli he gratified by 
beginning with his marriage, and proceeded 
to the day of his disappearing, as I have 
related in the first part of my memoirs. 
' Careless of life,' continued he, ' and unable 
to live in a place where every object recalled 
the memory of my dear Charlotte, whom I 
had lost through the barbarity of an unnatural 
parent, I took my leave of you, my child, 
then an infant, witli a heart full of unutterable 
woe, but little suspecting that my father's 
unkindness would liave descended to my 



innocent orphan; and setting out alone at 
midnight for the nearest seaport, early next 
morning got on board a ship, bound, as I had 
heard, for France ; and, bargaining with the 
master for my passage, bade a long adieu to 
my native country, and put to sea with the 
first fair wind. The place of our destination 
was Granville, but we had the misfortune to 
run upon a ridge of rocks near the Island of 
Alderney, called the Caskets, where the sea 
running high, the ship went to pieces, the 
boat sunk alongside, and every soul on board 
perished, except myself, who, by the assis- 
tance of a grating, got ashore on the coast of 
Normandy. I went directly to Caen, where 
I was so lucky as to meet with a count, whom 
I had formerly known in my travels : with 
this gentleman I set out for Paris, where I 
was recommended b}^ him and other friends, 
as tutor to a young nobleman, whom I accom- 
panied to the court of Spain. There we re- 
mained a whole year, at the end of which, my 
pupil being recalled by liis father, I quitted 
my ofiice, and .stayed behind, by the advice of 
a certain Spanish grandee, who took me into 
his protection, and introduced me to another 
nobleman, who was afterwards created vice- 
roy of Peru. He insisted on my attending 
him to his government of the Indies, where, 
however, by reason of my religion, it was not 
in his power to make my fortune any other 
way than by encouraging me to trade, which 
I had not long prosecuted when my patron 
died, and I found myself in the midst of 
strangers, without one friend to support or 
protect me. Urged by this consideration, I 
sold my efli'ects, and removed to this country, 
the governor of which, having- been appointed 
by the viceroy, was my intimate acquaintance. 
Hero has heaven prospered my endeavours, 
during a residence of sixteen years, in Avhich 
my tranquillity was never invaded but by the 
remembrance of your mother, whose death I 
have in secret mourned Avithout ceasing, and 
the reflection of you, whoso fate I could never 
learn, notwithstanding all my inquiries by 
means of my friends in France, who, after 
the most strict examination, could give me no 
other account than that you went abroad six 
j'ears ago, and was never after heard of. I 
could not rest satisfied with this imperfect in- 
formation, and, though my hope of fijiding- 
you Vfas but languid, resolved to go in quest 
of you in person ; for which pui-pose, I have 
remitted to Holland the value of twenty thou- 
sand pounds, and am in possession of fifteen 
thousand more, with which I intended to em- 
bark myself on board of Captain Bowling, 
before I discovered this amazing stroke of 
Providence, which, you may be sure, has not 
altered my intention.' 

My father, having entertained us with this 
agreeable sketch of his life, withdrew in order 
to relieve Don Antonio, who, in his absence, 
had done the honours of his house ; and I 
was just dressed for my appearance among 
the guests, when Strap arrived from the shiii. 



1S2 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



He no sooner entered the grand apartment 
in which I was, and saw the magnificence of 
my apparel, than his speech was lost in amaze- 
ment, and he gapod in silence at the objects 
that surrounded him. I took him by the hand, 
observed that I had sent for him to be a wit- 
ness and shaver of my hajjpiuess, and told 
him I had found a father. At these words he 
started, and, after having- continued some mi- 
nutes with his mouth and eyes wide open, cried, 
' Ah ! — odd, I know what ! go thy ways, poor 
Narcissa, and go thy ways somebody else — ■ 
well — Lord, what a thing is love ! God help 
us ! are all our mad pranks and protestations 
come to this ? And have you fixed your habi- 
tation in this distant land ? God prosper you 
— I find we must part at last — for I would not 
leave my poor carcase so far from my native 
home, for all the wealth of the universe ! ' 
Witli those ejaculations, he began to sob and 
make wry faces ; upon which I assiired him 
of his mistake, both in regard to Narcissa and 
my staying in Paraguay, and informed him, 
as briefly as I could, of the great event that 
had happened. Never was rapture more ludi- 
ci'ously expressed than in the behaviour of 
this worthy creature, who cried, lau;.;hed, 
whistled, sung, and danced, all in a breath. 
His transport was scarce over, when my fa- 
ther entered, who no sooner understood that 
this was Strap, than he took him by the hand, 
saying, ' Is this the honest man who befriended 
you so much in your distress ? You are wel- 
come to my house, and I will soon put it in 
the power of my son to reward yoa for your 
good offices in his behalf ; in the meantime go 
with us, and partake of the repast that is pro- 
vided.' Strap, wild as he was with joy, would 
by no means accept of the proffered honour, 
crying, ' God forbid ! I know my distance — 
your worship shall excuse me.' And Don 
Rodrigo, firiding his modesty invincible, re- 
commended him to his major-domo, to be 
treated with the utmost respect ; wdiile he 
carried me in a large saloon, where I was pre- 
sented to a nunieroiis company, who loaded 
me with compliments and caresses, and con- 
gratulated my father in terms not proper for 
me to repeat. 

Without specifying the particulars of our 
entertainment, let it suffice to say, it was at 
the same time elegant and sumptuous, and 
the rejoicings lasted two days ; after which, 
Don Rodrigo settled his aft'airs, converted his 
effects into silver and gold, visited and took 
leave of all his friends, who were grieved at 
his departure, and honoured me with conside- 
rable presents ; and, coming on board of my 
uncle's ship, with the first fair wind we sailed 
from the Rio de la Plata, and in two months 
came safe to an anchor in the harbour of 
Kingston, in the Island of Jamaica. 



k 



CHAPTER LXVII. 

I visit my old Friend Thompson — we set sa 

for Europe — me,et with an odd Adventure- 
arrive in England — J ride across the Coiin'')-^ 
from Portsmoidh to Sussex — converse u-'d% 
Mrs. Sagely, who informs nie of NarcisM'a 
being in London — in consequence of thi^ In- 
telligence, I proceed to Canterhury — meei 
with my old friend Morgan — arrive in Lon- 
don — visit Narcissa — introduce my Faihef 
to her — he is charmed tvith her good sense 
and beauty — we come to a Determinatioi^ 
of demanding her Brother's Consent to oiw', 
Marriage. 

I INQUIRED, as soon as I got ashore, 
about my generous companion, Mr. Thomp- 
son, and hearing that he lived in a flou-'- 
rishing condition upon the estate left him by 
his wife's father, who had been dead some 
years, I took horse immediatelj'', with the 
consent of Don Rodrigo, who had heard 
me mention him with great regard, and 
in a few hours reached the place of his 
habitation. 

I should much wrong the delicacy of Mr. 
Thompson's sentiments to say barely he was 
glad to see me : he felt all that the most sen- 
sible and disinterested friendship could feel 
on this occasion, introduced me to his wife, 
a very amiable young lady, who had already 
blessed him with two fine children, and being 
as yet ignorant of my circumstances, frankly 
offered me the assistance of his purse and 
interest. I thanked him for his generous in- 
tention, and made him acquainted with my 
situation, on which he congratulated me with 
great joy, and, after I had stayed with him a 
whole day and night, accompanied me back 
to Kins'ston, to wait upon my father, whom 
he invited to his house. Don Rodrigo com- 
plied with his request, and, having been hard- 
somely entertained during the space of a 
week, returned extremely well satisfied with 
the behaviour of my friend and his lady, to 
whom, at parting, he presented a very valu- 
able diamond ring, as a token of his esteem. 
During the course of my conversation witli 
Mr. Thompson, he gave me to understand, 
that his old commander Captain Oakum was 
dead some months, and that, immediately 
after his death, a discovery had been made of 
some valuable effects that he had feloniously 
secreted out of a prize by the assistance of 
Dr . Mackshane, who was now actually in 
prison on that account, and, being destitute 
of friends, subsisted solely on the charity of 
my friend, whose bounty he had implored in 
the most abject manner, after having been 
the barbarous occasion of driving him to that 
terrible extremity on board of the Thunder, 
which we have formerly related. Whatsoever 
this wretch had been guilty of, I applauded 
Mr. Thompson's generosity towards him in 
his distress, which wrought so much upon mo 
jvlso, that I sent him ten pistoles, in such r- 



liODMiCK UANDOM. 



183 



ttrivate manner that he could never ]:now his 
Ijcnefactor. 

^ While my father and I wore caressed 
among the gentlemen on shore, Captain 
Eowling had written to his owners, by the 
packet, which sailed a few days alter our 
arrival, signifying his prosperous voyage 
hitherto, and desiring them to insure his ship 
and cavgo homeward bound ; after which pre- 
caution he applied himself so heartily to the 
task of loading his ship that, with the assis- 
tance of Mr. Thompson, she was full in less 
than six weeks. This kind gentleman likewise 
procured for Don Rodrigo bills upon London 
for the greatest part of his gold and silver, by 
which means it was secured against the risk 
of the seas and the enemy ; and, before we 
sailed, supplied us with such large quantities 
of all kinds of stock, that not only we, but 
the ship's company, fared sumptuously during 
the voyage. 

Eveiything being ready, we took our leave 
of our kind entertainers, and, going on board 
at Port Royal, set sail for England on the 
first day of June. "We beat up to windward, 
with fine easy weather, and one night be- 
lieving ourselves near Cape Tiberon, lay to, 
with an intention to wood and water next 
morning in the bay. While Ave remained in 
this situation, a sailor, having drunk more 
new rum than he could carry, staggered over- 
board, and, notwithstanding all the means 
that could be used to preserve him, went to 
the bottom, and disappeared. About two 
hours after this melancholy accident happened, 
as I enjoyed the cool air on the quarter-deck, 
I heard a voice rising as it were out of the 
sea, and calling, ' Ho, the ship ahoy ! ' Upon 
which one of the men upon the forecastle 
cried, ' I'll be d — n'd if that an't Jack Marlin- 
spike, who went overboard ! ' Not a little 
surprised at this event, I jumped into the 
boat that lay alongside, with the second mate 
and four men, and rowing towards the place 
from whence the voice (which repeated the 
hail) seemed to proceed, we perceived some ■ 
thing floating upon the water. When avo 
had roAved a little further, Ave discerned it to 
be a man riding upon a hencoop, who, seeing 
us approach, pronounced Avith a hoarse voice, 
' D— n your bloods ! Avhy did you not answer 
when I hailed ? ' Our mate, Avho was a 
veritable seaman, hearing his salute, said, 
' By G — , my lads, this is none of our man. 
This is the devil — pull aAvay for the ship.' 
The felloAVS obeyed his command Avithout 
question, and were already some fathoms 
on our return, Avhen I insisted on their 
taking up the poor creature, and prevailed 
iipon them to go back to the wreck, which 
Avhcn Ave came near the second tim_e, and 
signified our intention, we received an an- 
SAver of ' Avast, avast — what ship, brother 'f' 
Being satisfied in this particular, he cried, 
' D — n the ship, I Avas in hopes it had been my 
OAvn — where are you bound ?' We satisfied 
his curiosity in this particular too ; upon 



Avhich ho suffpred himself to be taken on 
board, and, after having been comforted with 
a dram, told us, he belonged to the Vesuvio 
man-of-Avar, upon a cruise off the island of 
Hispaniola ; that ha had fallen overboard 
about four-and-twenty hours ago, and the 
ship being imder sail, they did not choose to 
bring to, but tossed a hencoop overboard 
for his convenience, upon Avhich ho Avas in 
good hopes of reaching the Capo next morn- 
ing : howsomever, he AA'as as well content to 
be aboard of us, because he did not doubt 
that Ave should meet his ship ; and if he had 
gone ashore in the bay, he might haA'e been 
taken prisoner by the French. My uncle and 
father Avere very much diverted Avith the ac- 
count of this fellow's iinconcerncd behaviour; 
and, in tAvo days, meeting with the Vesuvio, 
as he expected, sent him on board of her, 
according to his desire. 

Having beat up successfully the windAvard 
passage, we stretched to the northAvard, and 
falling in with a westerly wind, in eight Aveeks 
arrived in soundings, and in tAvo days after 
made the Lizard. It is impossible to express 
the joy I felt at the sight of English ground ! 
Don Rodrigo was not unmoved, and Strap 
shed tears of gladness. The sailors profited 
by our satisfaction, the shoe that was nailed 
to the mast being quite filled Avith our libe- 
rality. My uncle resolved to run up into the 
DoAvns at once, but the wind shifting when 
we were abreast of the Isle of Wight, he waa 
obliged to turn into St. Helen's, and come to 
Spithead, to the great mortification of the 
croAV, thirty of Avhom were immediately 
pressed on board a man-of-war. 

My father and I went ashore immediately 
at_ Portsmouth, leaving Strap with the cap- 
tain to go round with the ship and take care 
of our efi'ects ; and I discovered so much im- 
patience to see my charming Narcissa, that 
my father permitted me to ride across the 
country to her brother's house ; Avhile he 
should hire a post-chaise for London, where 
he Avould wait for mo at a place to Avhich I 
directed him. 

Fired with all the eagerness of passion, I 
took post that very night, and in the morning 
reached an inn about three miles from the 
squire's habitation ; here I remained till next 
morning, allaying the torture of my impa- 
tience with the rapturous hope of seeing that 
divine creature after an absence of eighteen 
months, Avhioh, far from impairing, had raised 
my love to the most exalted pitch ! Neither 
were my reflections free from apprehensions, 
that sometimes intervened in spite of all my 
hope, and represented her as having yielded 
to the importunity of her brother and blessed 
the arras of a happy rivnl. My thoughts Avere 
oven maddened Avith the fear of her death ; 
and, Avheu I arrived in the dark at the house 
of Mrs. Sagely, I had not for some time 
courage to desire admittance, lest my soul 
should be shocked Avith dismal tidings. At 
length, hoAvever, I knocked, and no sooner 



18'1 



nonmiGic random. 



certified the good gentlewoman of my voice, 
than she opened the door, and received me 
with the most all'octionate embrace, that 
brought tears into her aged eyes : ' For 
heaven's sake, dear mother,' cried I, ' tell mo 
how is Narcissa ? is she the same that I left 
her F' She blessed my ears with saying, ' She 
is ::s beautiful, in as good health, and as much 
j^ours as ever.' Transported at this assur- 
ance, I begged to know if I could not see her 
that very night ; when this sage matron gave 
mc to understand that my mistress was in 
London, and that things were strangely al- 
tered in the squire's house since ray departure ; 
that ho had been married a whole year to 
Mclintla, who at first found means to wean 
his attention so much from Narcissa, that he 
became quite careless of that lovely sister, 
comforting himself with the clause in his 
father's will, by which she should forfeit her 
fortune, by marrying without his consent ; 
that my mistress, being but indifl'erently 
treated by her sister-in-law, had made use of 
her freedom some months ago, and gone to 
town, where she was lodged with Miss Wil- 
liams, in exijectation of my arrival ; and had 
been pestered with the addresses of Lord 
Quivcrwit, who, finding her heart engaged, 
had fallen upon a great many shifts to per- 
siiade her that I was dead ; but, finding all 
his artifices unsuccessful, and despairing of 
gaining her affection, he had consoled him- 
self for her indifference, by marrying another 
Lady some weeks ago, who had already left 
him on account of some family' uneasiness. 
Besides this interesting information, she 
told me there was not a great deal of harmony 
between Melinda and the squire, who was so 
much disgusted at the number of gallants 
who continiicd to hover about her even after 
her marriage, that hehadhuri'iedher down into 
the country, much against her own inclina- 
tion, where their mutual animosities had 
risen to such a height, that they preserved 
no decency before company or servants, but 
abused one another in the grossest terms. 

This good old gentlewoman, to give me a 
convincing proof of my dear Narcissa's unal- 
terable love, gratified mo with a sight of the 
last letter she had favoured her with, in 
which I was mentioned with so much honour, 
tenderness, and concern, that my soul was 
fired with impatience, and I determined to 
ride all niglit, that I might have it the 
sooner in my power to make her happy. 
Mrs. Sagely, perceiving my eagerness, and 
her maternal afTection being equally divided 
between Narcissa and me, begged leave to 
remind me of the sentiments with which 
I went abroad, that would not permit me for 
any selfish gratification to prejudice the for- 
tune of that amiable young lady, who must 
entirely depend upon me, after having be- 
stowed herself in marriage. I thanked her 
for her kind concern, and as briefly as pos- 
sible described my flourishing situation, which 
afforded this humane person infinite wonder 



and satisfaction. I told her, that now I had 
an opportunity to manifest my gratitude for ! 
the many obligations I oAved, I Avould endea- 
vour to make her old age comfortable and 
easy ; as a step to which I proposed she should 
come and live v/ith Narcissa and me. This • 
venerable gentlewoman was so much afli"ected 
with my words, that the tears ran down her ' 
ancient cheeks ; she thanked heaven that 1 1 
had not belied the presages she had made, on i 
her first acquaintance with me ; acknowledg- 
ing my generosity, as she called it, in the ; 
most elegant and pathetic expressions ; but ; 
declined my proposal, on account of her at- • 
tachment to the dear melancholy cottage i 
whore she had so peacefully consumed her • 
solitary widowhood. Finding her immov- 
able on this subject, I insisted on her accej^t- 
ing a present of thirty guineas, and took my 
leave, resolving to accommodate her with 
the same sum annually, for the more cora- 
fortalde support of the infirmities of old ago. 
Having rode all night, I found myself at 
Canterbury in the morning, where I alighted 
to procure fresh horses; and, as I walkcil 
into the inn, perceived an apothecary's on 
the other side of tlie street, with the name 
of Morgan over the door ; alarmed at this 
discovery, I could not help thinkrug that my 
old messmate had settled in this place, and 
upon inquiry found my conjecture true, and 
that he was married lately to a widow in that 
city, by whom ho had got three thousand 
pounds. Rejoiced at this intelligence, I went 
to his shopi as soon as it was open, and found 
my friend behind the counter, busy in pre- 
paring a clyster. I saluted him at entrance, 
with, 'Your servant, Mr. Morgan.' Upon 
Avhich he looked at me, and replying, ' Your 
most humble servant, good sir,' rubbed his 
ingredients in the mortar Avithout any emo- 
tion. ' What ! ' said I, ' Morgan, have yon 
forgot your old messmate ? ' At these words 
he looked nii again, and starting, cried, ' As 
Cot is my- — sure it cannot — yes, by my salfa- 
tion, I pelieve it is my dear friend Sir. Ran- 
tom.' He was no sooner convinced of my 
identity, than he threw doAvn the pestle, 
overset the mortar, and jumping over the 
board, swept up the contents with his clothes, 
flew about my neck, hugged me affectionately, 
and daubed me all over Avith turpentine and 
the yolks of eggs which he had been mixing 
Avhon I came in. Our mutual congratidations 
being over, he told me, that he found himself 
a widower upon his return from the West 
Indies ; that he had got interest to be aji- 
l^ointcd surgeon of a man-of-war, in Avhich 
capacity he had served some years, until he 
married an apothecary's Avidow, Avith whom 
he noAV enjoyed a pretty good sum of money, 
peace, and quiet, and an indifferent good 
trade'. He was very desirous of hearing my 
adventures, which I assured him I had not 
time to relate, but told him in general, my 
circumstances Avere very good, and thati 
hoped to see him Avhen I should not be in 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



185 



gncli a hurry as at present. He insisted, 
however, on my staying' breakfast, and intro- 
duced nie to his ■svife, who seemed to be a 
decent sensible woman, pretty well stricken 
in years. In the course of our conversation, 
he showed the sleeve-buttons I had exchanged 
with him at our parting in the West Indies, 
and was not a little proud to see that I had 
preserved his with the same care. When I 
informed him of Mackshane's condition, he 
seemed at first to exult over his distress ; but, 
after a little recollection, said, ' Well, he has 
paid for his malice ; I forgife him, and may 
Cot forgife him likewise.' He expressed great 
concern for the soul of Captain Oakum, which 
he believed was now gnashing its teeth : but 
it was some time before I could convince him 
of Thompson's being alive, at whose good 
fortune, nevertheless, he was extremely glad. 
Having renewed our protestations of friend- 
ship, I bade the honest Welshman and his 
spouse farewell, and, taking post-horses, ar- 
rived at London that same night, where I 
found my father in good health, to whom I 
imparted what I had learned of Narcissa. 
This indulgent parent approved of my inten- 
tion of marrying her, even without a fortune, 
provided her brother's consent could not be 
obtained ; promised to make over to me in a 
few days a sufficiency to maintain her in a 
fashionable manner, and expressed a desire of 
seeing this amiable creature, who had capti- 
vated me so much. As I had not slept the 
night before, and was besides fatigued with 
my journey, I found myself under a necessity 
of taking some repose, and went to bed ac- 
cordingly : next morning, about teu o'clock, 
took a chair, and according to Mrs. Sagely's 
directions, went to my charmer's lodgings, 
and inquired for Miss Williams. I had not 
waited in the parlour longer than a minute, 
when this young woman entered, and no 
sooner nerceived me, than she shrieked and 
ran bacUfc-rd : but I got between her and the 
door, and clasping her in my arms, brought 
herto herself withan embrace. ' Good heaven,' 
cried she, ' Mr. Random, is it you indeed ! my 
mistress will run distracted with joy.' I told 
her, it was from an apprehension that my 
sudden appearance might have had some bad 
effect on my dear Narcissa, that I had desired 
to see her first, in order to concert some 
method of acquainting her mistress gradually 
with my arrival. She approved of my con- 
duct, and, after having yielded to the sugges- 
tions of her own friendship, in asking if my 
voyage had been successful, charged herseli' 
with that office, and left me glowing with 
desire of seeing and embracing the object of 
my love. In a very little time I heard some- 
body coming down the stairs in haste, and the 
voice of my angel pronounce, with an eager 
tone, ' heaven! is it possible! where is he?' 
How wore my faculties aroused at this well- 
known sound ! and how was my soul trans- 
ported when she broke in upon my view in 
all the bloom of ripened beauty ! Grace ivas 



in all her steps, heaven in her eye, ia every 
gesture diijuity and love ! You, whose souls 
are susceptible of the most delicate impres- 
sions, whose tender bosoms have felt the 
affecting vicissitudes of love, who have suf- 
fered an absence of eighteen long months from 
the dear object of your hope, and found at 
your return the melting fair as kind and con- 
stant as your heart can wish, do mo justice 
on this occasion, and conceive what unutter- 
able rapture possessed us both, while wo flew 
into each other's arms I This was no time 
for speech : locked in a mutual embrace, we 
continued some minutes in a silent trance of 
joy ! Wlien I thus encircled all my soul held 
dear — whUe I hung over her beauties — beheld 
her eyes sparkle, and every feature flush with 
virtuous fondness, — -when I saw her enchant- 
ing bosom heave with undissembled rapture, 
and knew myself the happy cause — heavens ! 
what was my situation ! I am tempted to- 
commit my paper to the flames, and to re- 
nounce my pen for ever, because its most 
ardent and lucky expression so poorly de- 
scribes the emotions of my soul. ' O adorable 
Narcissa I ' cried I, ' O miracle of beauty, love 
and truth ! I at last fold thee in my arms ! I 
at last can call thee mine ! No jealous brother 
shall thwart our happiness again ; fortune 
hath at length recompensed me for all my 
suft'erings, and enabled me to do justice to my 
love.' The dear creature smiled inefi'ably 
charming, and, with a look of bewitching ten- 
derness, said, 'And shall we never part again ?' 
' Never,' I replied, ' thou wondrous pattern of 
all earthly perfection I never, until death 
shall divide us ! By this ambrosial kiss, a 
thousand times more fragrant than the breeze 
that sweeps the orange grove, I never more 
will leave thee ! ' 

As my first transport abated, my passion 
grew turbulent and unrulj% I was giddy with 
standing on the brink of bliss, and all my vir- 
tue and philosophy were scarce sufficient to 
restrain the inordinate sallies of desire. Nar- 
cissa perceived the conflict within me, and 
with her usual dignity of prudence, called off 
my imagination from the object in view, and 
with eager expressions of interested curiosity, 
desired to know the particulars of my voyage. 
In this I gratified her inclination, bringing 
my story down to the present hour. She was 
infinitely surprised at the circumstance of 
finding my father, which brought tears into 
her lovely eyes. She was transported at hear- 
ing that he approved of my flame, discovered 
a longing desire of being introduced to him, 
congratulated herself and me upon my good 
fortune, and observed, that this great and 
tinexpected stroke of fate seemed to have 
been brought about by the immediate direc- 
tion of Providence. Having entertained our- 
selves some hours with the genuine effusions 
of our souls, I obtained her consent to com- 
plete my happiness as soon as my father should 
judge it proper ; and, applying with my own 
bands a valuable necklace, composed of dia- 



IRfi 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



monds and amethysts set alternately, -wliioli 
an old Spanish lady at Paraguay had presented 
mo with, I took my leave, promisinjj to re- 
turn in the afternoon with Don Rodrigo. 
When I wont home, this generous parent in- 
quired very affectionately about the health of 
my dear Narcissa, to whom, that I miyht be 
the more n,[ireeable, he ])ut into my hand a 
deed, by which I found myself in possession of 
fifteen thousand pounds, exclusive of the pro- 
fits of my own merchandise, which amounted 
to three thousand more. After dinner I ac- 
companied him to the lodgings of my mis- 
tress, who, being dressed for the occasion, 
made a most dazzling- appearance. I could 
perceive him struck with her figure, which I 
really think was the most beautiful that ever 
was created under the sun. He embraced her 
tenderly, and told her he was proud of having 
a son who had spirit to attempt, and qualifi- 
cations to engage the affections of such a fine 
lady. She blushed at this compliment, and, 
with eyes fuU of the softest languishment 
turned upon me, said, she should have been 
unworthy of Mr. Random's attention, had she 
been blind to his extraordinary merit. I made 
no other answer than a low bow. My father, 
sighing, pronounced, ' Such was once my Char- 
lotte ; ' while the tear rushed into his eye, and 
the tender heart of Narcissa manifested itself 
in two precious drops of sympathy, which, 
but for his presence, I would have kissed 
away. Without repeating the particulars of 
our conversation, I shall only observe, that 
Don Rodrigo was as much charmed with her 
good sense as with her appearance, and she 
was no less pleased with his understanding 
and polite address. It was determined that 
ho should write to the squire, signifying his 
approbation of my passion for his sister, and 
offering a settlement which he should have no 
reason to reject ; and that, if ho should refuse 
the proposal, wo would crown our mutual 
wishes without any further regard to his will. 



CHAPTER LXVin. 

My Fatlier makes a present to Narcissa — the 
Letter is dispatched to lier Brother — I ap- 
pear among my Acquaintance — Banter's 
Behaviour — The Squire refuses his Consent 
• — My Uncle comes to Toum — approves of my 
Choice — I am married — We meet the Scjiiire 
and /(.is Lady at the Play — cnir Acquaint- 
ance is courted. 

AFTER having spent the evening to the 
satisfaction of all present, my father 
addressed himself thus to Narcissa. '"Madam, 
give me leave to consider you hereafter as 
my daughter, in which capacity I insist upon 
your accepting this first instance of my pa- 
ternal duty and affection.' With these words 
he jiut into her hand a bank note of five 
hundred poiinds, which she no sooner ex- 
amined, tlian with a low oourtosy she replied, 



' Dear sn-, though I have not the least occa- 
sion for this supply, I have too great a vene- 
ration for you to refuse this proof of your 
generosity and esteem, which I the more 
freely receive, because I already look upon: 
Mr. Random's interest as inseparably con- 
nected with mine.' Ho was extremely A\-elll 
pleased with her frank and ingenuous reply,; 
upon which we saluted, and Avished her good 
night. The letter, at my request, Avas dis- 
patched to Sussex by an express, ana, in the- 
meantime, Don Rodrigo, to grace my nup-. 
tials, hired a ready -furnished house, and set- 
up a very handsome equipage. ' 
Though I passed the greatest part of the- 
day with the darling of my soul, I found, 
leisure sometimes to be among my former ac-- 
quaintance, who were astonished at the mag-; 
nificence of my appearance. Banter in par-r 
ticular was confounded at the strange vicissi-i 
tudes of my fortune, the causes of which he 
endeavoured in vain to discover, until I 
thought fit to disclose the whole secret of my 
last voyage, partly in consideration of our 
former intimacy, and partly to prevent un-i 
favourable conjectures, which he and others, 
in all probability, would have made in regard 
to _my circumstances. He professed great 
satisfaction at this piece of news ; and I had 
no cause to believe him insincere, when I con- 
sidered that he would now look upon himself 
as acquitted of the debt lie owed me, and at 
the same time flatter himself with the hopes 
of borrowing more. I carried him home to 
dinner with me, and my father liked his con. i 
versation so much, that, upon hearing his 
difficulties, he desired me to accommodate 
him for the present, and inquire if he would 
accept of a commission in the army, towards 
the purchase of which he would willingly 
lend him money. Accordingly, I gave my 
friend an opportunity of being alone with 
me, when, as I expected, he told n^ that he 
was just on the point of being reflHiciled to 
an old rich uncle, whose heir he was, but 
wanted a few pieces for immediate expense,! 
which he desired I would lend him and take 
his bond for the whole. His demand was 
limited to ten guineas ; and when I puti 
twenty into his hand, he stared at me for' 
some moments ; then, putting it into his 
purse, said, ' Ay, 'tis all one — j'ou shall have 
the whole in a very short time.' When I had 
taken his note, to save the expense of a bond, I 
I expressed some surprise that a fellow of liisi 
spirit should loiter away his time in idleness,? 
and asked why he did not choose to make hiai: 
fortune in the army. ' What !' said he,P; 
' throw away money upon a subaltern's com- 1 
mission, to be under the command of a parcel 
of scoundrels, who have raised themselves '- 
above me by the most infamous practices, - 
No, I love independency too well to sacrifioe'l 
my life, health, and pleasure, for such a 
pitiful consideration.* Finding him adverse 
to this way of life, I changed the subject, 
and returned to Don Rodrigo, who had juat 



RODERICK EANVOM. 



187 



received the following epistle from the 
squire : 

' Sir, — Concerniag a letter which I re- 
ceived, subscribed R. Eandom, this is the 
answer. As for you, I know nothing' of you. 
Your son, or pretended son, I have seen ; if 
he marries my sister, at his jjeril be it ; I do 
declare that he shall not have one farthing of 
her fortune, whicli becomes my property, if 
she takes a husband without my consent. 
Your settlement, I do believe, is all a sham, 
and yourself no better than you should be ; 
but if j'ou had all the Avealth of the Indies, 
your son shall never match in our family 
with the consent of 

Okson Topehall. 

■ My father was not much surprised at this 

■ polite ietter, after having heard the character 

■ of the author; and as for me, I was even 
pleased at his refusal, because I had now an 

' opportunity of sho-ndng my disinterested 
love. By his permission I waited on my 
charmer : and liaving imparted the contents 
of her brother's letter, at which she wept 
bitterlj'-, in spite of all my consolation and 
caresses, the time of our marriage was fixed 
at the distance of two days. During this 
interval, in which mj' soul was wound up to 
the last stretch of rapturoiis expectation, 
Narcissa endeavoured to reconcile some of her 
relations in town to her marriage with mo ; 
but, finding them all deaf to her remon- 
strances, either out of envy or prejudice, she 
told me with the most enchanting sweetness, 
while the tears bedewed her lovely cheeks, 
' Sure the world will no longer question your 
generosity, when you take a poor forlorn 
beggar to your arms ? Aifected with her 
sorrow, I pressed the fair mourner to my 
breast, and swore that she was more dear and 
welcome on that account, because she had 
sacrificed her friends and fortune to her love 
for me. My uncle, for whose character she 
had a great veneration, being by this time 
come to town, I introdiiced him to my bride ; 
and, although he was not very much subject 
to refined sensations, he was struck dumb 
with admiration at her beauty. After having 
kissed and gazed at her for some time, he 
turned to me, sajdng. ' Odds bobs, Eory ! 
here's a notable prize indeed, finely built and 
gloriously rigged, i' faith ! If she an't well 
manned when you have the command of her, 
sirrah, you deserve to go to sea in a cockle- 
shell. No offence, I hope, niece ! you must 
not mind what I say, being (as the saying is) 
a plain seafaring man, thof mayhap I have as 
much regard for you as another.' She receiA'ed 
him with great civility, told him she had longed 
a great while to see a person to whom she was 
so much indebted for his generosity to Mr. 
Eandom ; that she looked upon him as her 
uncle, by which name she begged leave to 
call him for the future : and that she was 
very sure he could say nothing that would 
give her the least offence. The honest cap- 
tain was transported at her courteous be- 



haviour, and insisted upon giving her away 
at the ceremony, swearing that he loved her 
as well as if she was his own chUd, and that 
he would give two thousand giiineas to the 
first fruit of our love, as soon as it could 
squeak. Everything being settled for the 
solemnisation of our nuptials, which were to 
be performed privately at my father's house, 
the auspicious hour arrived, when Don Eod- 
rigo and my uncle went in the coach to fetch 
the bride and Miss Williams ; leaving me with 
a parson. Banter, and Strap, neither of whom 
had as yet seen my charming mistress. My 
faithful valet, who was on the rack of impa- 
tience to behold a lady of whom he had heard 
so much, no sooner understood that the coach 
was returned, than he placed himself at a 
window to have a peep at her as she alighted ; 
and, when he saw her, clapped his hands to- 
gether, turned up the white of his eyes, and, 
with his mouth wide open, remained in a sort 
of ecstacy, which broke out into ' Dca eerie ! 
qualis in Enrotce ripis, avt 'per juga Cijiifhi 
cxcrcet Diana choros ? ' The doctor and Ban- 
ter were surprised to hear my man speak 
Latin ; but when my father led Narcissa into 
the room, the object of their admiration was 
soon changed, as appeared in the counte- 
nances of both. Indeed, they must have 
been the most insensible of all beings, could 
they have beheld without emotion the divine 
creature that approached ! She was dressed 
in a sack of white satin, embroidered on the 
breast with gold ; the crown of her head was 
covered with a small French cap, from whence 
descended her beaiitiful hair in ringlets that 
waved i.pon her snowy neck, which dignified 
the necklace I had given her : her looks 
glowed with modesty and love ; and her 
bosom, through the veil of gauze that shaded 
it, afforded a prospect of Elysium ! I received 
this inestimable gift of Providence as became 
me ; and in a little time the clergyman did 
his office, my uncle, at his own earnest re- 
quest, acting the part of a father to my dear 
Narcissa, who trembled very much, and had 
scarce spirits sufficient to support her under 
this great change of situation. Soon as she 
was mine by the laws of heaven and earth, I 
printed a burning kiss upon her lips ; my 
father embraced her tenderly, my luicle hug- 
ged her with great affection, and I presented 
her to my friend Banter, who saliited her in 
a very polite manner ; Miss Williams himg 
round her neck, and wept plentifully ; whilo 
Strap fell upon his knees, and begged to kiss 
hislady's hand, which shepresented with great 
affability. I shall not pretend to describe my 
own feelings at this juncture ; let it siiffice to 
say that, after having supped and entertained 
ourselves till ten o'clock, I caiitioned my Nar- 
cissa against exposing her health by sitting 
up too late, and she was prevailed upon to 
withdraw with her maid to an apartment 
destined for us. When she left tlic room, her 
face was OA'erspread with a blush that set all 
my blood in a state of fermentation, and 



188 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



made every pulse beat with tenfold vigour ! 
She was so cruel as to let me remain in this 
condition a full half-hour : when, no longer 
able to restrain my impatience, I broke from 
the company, burst into her chamber, pushed 
out her confidante, and locked the door, and 
found her- — O heaven and earth ! — a feast a 
thousand times more delicious than my most 
sanguine hopes presaged ! But lot me not 
profimo the chaste mysteries of Hymen. I 
was the happiest of men ! 

In the morning I was awaked by three or 
four drums, Avhich Banter had placed under 
the window ; upon -which I withdrew the 
curtain, and enjoyed the unspeakable satis- 
faction of contemplating those angelic charms 
which were now in my possession ! Beauty ! 
which', whether sleeping or awol-e, shot forth 
Xieculiar (jraces ! Tlie light darting upon my 
Narcissa's eyes, she awoke also, and, recol- 
lecting her situation, hid her blushes in my 
bosom. I was distracted with joy ! I could 
not believe the evidence of my senses, and 
looked upon all that had happened as the fic- 
tions of a dream I In the meantime my uncle 
knocked at the door, and bade me turn out, 
for I had had a long spell. I rose accordingly, 
and sent Miss Williams to her mistress, my- 
self receiving the congratulation of Captain 
Bowling, who rallied me in his sea phrase 
with great success. In less than an hour, 
Don Rodrigo led my wife into breakfast, 
where she received the compliments of the 
company on her looks, which, they said, if 
possible, were improved by matrimony. As 
her delicate cars were offended with none of 
those indecent ambiguities which are too 
often spoken on such occasions, she behaved 
with dignitj', unaffected modesty, and ease ; 
and, as a testimony of my affection and es- 
teem, I presented her, in presence of them 
all, with a deed, by which I settled the whole 
fortime I was possessed of on her and her 
heirs for ever. She accepted it with a glance 
of most tender acknowledgment, observed, 
that she could not bo surprised at a.uything 
of this kind I should dn, and desired my 
father to take the trouble of keeping it, 
sajring, ' Next to my own Mr. Random, 
yon are the person in whom I ought to 
have the greatest confidence.' Charmed 
with her prudent and ingenuous manner of 
proceeding, lie took the paper, and assured 
her that it should not lose its value while in 
his custody. 

As wo had not many visits to give and 
receive, the little time we stayed in tovim 
was spent in going to public diversions, Avhero 
I have the vanity to think Narcissa was 
seldom eclipsed. One night, in ]>articular, 
we sent our footman to keep one of the stage 
boxes, v.'hich we no sooner entered, than wo 
perceived in the opposite box the squire and 
his lady, v.'lio seemed not a little surprised at 
seeing us. I was pleased at this opportunity 
of confronting them; the more, because 
Melinda was robbed of all her admirers by 



my wife, who happened that night to out' 
shine her sister both in beauty and dress. 
She was piqued at Narcissa's victory, tossed 
her head a thousand different ways, flirted 
her fan, looked at us with disdain, then 
whispered to her husband, and broke out 
into an affected giggle ; but all her arts 
proved ineffectual, either to discompose Mrs. 
Random, or to conceal her own mortification, 
which at length forced lier aAvay long before 
the play was done. The news of oiir mar- 
riage being .spread, Avith many circumstances 
to our disadvantage, by the iudusti-y of this 
malignant creature, a certain set of persons 
fond of scandal began to inquire into the 
particulars of my fortune, which they no 
sooner iinderstood to be independent, than the 
tables were turned, and onr acquaintaijf e M'as 
courted as much as it had been despised be- 
fore ; but Narcissa had too miich dignity of 
pride to encourage this change of conduct, 
especially in her relations, whom she could 
never be prevailed upon to see, after the 
malicious reports they had raised to her 
prejudice. 



CHAPTER LXIX. 

My father intends to revisit the Place of his 
Nativity — we projwsc to accom^Miiy him-- 
my Uncle renews his will in my favour, de- 
termining to go to Sea again — we set out 
for Scotland — arrive at Edinburgh — 2)«r- 
chase our paternal Estate — proceed to it — 
hrilt at the Town where I ivas educated — 
take vp my bond to Crab — the Behaviour of 
Potion and his Wife, and one of my Feynale 
Cousins — our Rereptinn at the Estate — 
Strap marries Miss Williams, andis settled 
by iny Father to his own iotisfaction — / 
am more and more happy. 

y father intending to revisit his native 
country, and pay the tribute of a few 
tears at my mother's grave, Narcissa and I 
resolve to accompanj' him in the execution of 
his pious office, and accordingly prepared for 
the journej^; in which, however, my uncle 
would not engage, being resolved to try his 
fortune once more at sea. In the meantime 
he renewed his will in favour of my wife 
and me, and doiiosited it in the hands of his 
brotlier-in-law : while I (that I might not be 
Avauting to my own interest) summoned the 
squire to produce his father's will at Doctors' 
Commons, and employed a proctor to manage 
the affair in my absence. 

Everything being thus settled, we took 
leave of all our friends in London, and set 
out for Scotland, Don Rodrigo, Narcissa, Miss 
Williams, and I, in the coach, and Strap, 
with two men in livery, on horseback ; as we 
made easy stages, my charmer held it out 
very well, till Ave arrived at Edinburgh, 
■where we proposed to rest ourselves some 
weeks. 

Here Don Rodrigo having intelligence tha,t 



RODERICK RANDOM. 



l&J 



the foxliunter had spent his estate, which 
was to be exposed to sale by public aiiction, 
te determined to make a purchase of the 
ppot -where he was born, and actually bought 
^'1 the land that belonged to his father. 

In a few days after this bargain was made, 

e left Edinburgh, in order to go and take 
lossessiou ; and by the way halted one night 
that town where I Avas educated. Upon 

.qniry, I found that Mr. Crab Avas dead ; 

hereupon I sent for his executor, paid the 
sum I owed with interest, and took up my 
bond. Mr. Potion and his wife, hearing of 
my arrival, had the assurance to come to the 
inn where we lodged, and send up their 
names, with a desire of being permitted to 
pay their respects to my father and me : but 
their sordid behaviour towards me, when I 
was an orphan, had made too deep an im- 
pression on my mind to be effaced by this 
mean mercenarj' iiiece of condescension ; I 
therefore rejected their mess.age with disdain, 
and bade Strap tell them, that ray father and 
I desired to have no communication with such 
low-minded wretches as thoy were. 

They had not been gone half-an-hour, when 
a Avoman, without anj"- ccremonj', opened the 
door of the room where we sat, and, making 
towards mj' father, accosted him Avith, ' Uncle, 
your servant — I am glad to see you.' This 
was no other than one of my female cousins, 
mentioned in the first part of my memoirs, 
to Avhom Don Kodrigo replied, ' Pray, Avho 
are you, madam ?' " Oh !' cried she, ' my 
cousin Eory there knows mo very AA^ell. Pon't 
you remember me, Rory r' ' Yes, madam,' 
said I ; ' for my oAvn part, I shall never for- 
get you. Sir, this is one of the young ladies, 
who (as I haA'e formerly told you) treated me 
80 humanely in my childhood !' Whe"i. T. 
pronounced these Avords, my father's resent- 
ment gloAved in his A'isage, and he ordered her 
to be gone, with such a commanding aspect, 
that she retired in a fright, muttering curses 
as she Avent doAvnstairs. We afterAvards 
learned that she Avas married to an ensign, 
who had already spent all her fortune ; and 
that her sister had borne a child to her 
mother's footman, Avho is noAV her husband, 
and keeps a petty alehouse in the country. 

The fame of our flourishing condition 
having arriA'cd at this place before ns, Ave 
got notice that the magistrates intended next 
day to compliment us Avith the freedom of 
their tov.-n ; upon AA'hich my father, consider- 
ing their complaisance in the right point of 
view, ordered the horses to the coach early 
in the morning. 

We proceeded to our estate, which lay 
about twenty miles from this place ; and, 
when we came Avifcliin half-a-league of the 
house, were met by a prodigious number of 
poor tenants, men, Avomon, and children, Avho 
toslificd tlieir joy by loud acclamations, and 
accompanied our coach to the gate. As there 
IS no part of tlie world in Avhich the peasants 
are more attached to thejr lords than in Scot- 



land, we were almost do vonrod by their affec- 
tion. My father had always been their 
favourite, and now that he appeared their 
master, after having been thought dead so 
long, their joy broke out into a thousand 
o.xtravagances. When Ave entered the court- 
yard, Ave were surrounded by a vast number, 
Avho eroAvded together so closely to see us 
that several Avere in danger of being squeezed 
to death ; those Avho were near Don fiodrigo 
fell upon their knees, and kissed his hand, or 
the hem of his garrient, praying aloud for 
long life and prosperity to him ; others ap- 
proached jSTarcissa and me in the same 
manner ; while the rest clapped their hands 
at a distance, and invoked heaven to shower 
its choicest blessings on our heads ! In short, 
the whole scene, though rude, Avas so affecting 
that the gentle partner of my heart wept over 
it, and ni}^ father himself could not refrain 
from dropping a tear. 

Having Avelcumcd his daughter and me t^ 
his house, he ordered some bullocks to bo 
killed, and some hog.*heads of ale to be brought 
from the neighbouring village, to regale these 
honest people, Avho had not enjoyed such a 
holiday for many years before. 

Next day Ave Avere visited b.y the gentlemen 
in the neighbourhood, most of them oiir rela- 
tions, one of Avliom brought along with Iiim 
mjf cousin, the foxliunter, who had stayed at 
his house since he Avas obliged to leaA^e his 
ovra I My father Avas generous enough to 
receiA'c him kindly, and even promised to 
purchase for him a commission in the army, 
for winch he expressed great thankfulness 
a-nd joy. 

My charming Narcissa was imiversallj' ad- 
mired and loved for herbcautj', affability, and 
: . 1 sense ; and so well pleased with the 
situation of the place, and the company 
round, t'nat she has not as j'ot discovered the 
least desire of changing her habitation. 

We had not been many days settled, when 
I prcA^ailcd upon my father to pay a visit to 
the village Avhere I had been at school. Hero 
Avo Avere received by the principrd inhabitants, 
Avho entertained us in the church, where Mr. 
Syntax the schoolmaster (my tyrant being 
dead) pronounced a Latin oration in honour 
of our family. And none exerted themselves 
more than Strap's father and relations, Avho 
looked upon the honest valet as the first gen- 
tleman of their race, and honoured his bene- 
factors accordingly. Having receiA'ed the 
homage of this place, Ave retired, leaving 
forty pounds for the benefit of the poor of 
the parish ; and that very night. Strap being 
a little elevated, Avith the regard that h;id 
been shoAvn to him, and to me on his account, 
A'cntured to tell me, that he had a sneaking 
kin(hiess for Miss Williams, and that, if his 
lady and I would iise our interest in his be- 
half, he did not doubt that slie would listen 
to his addresses. Surprised at this proposal, 
I asked if he knOAV the story of that unfortu- 
nate young gentlewoman : upon Avhich he 



190 



llODHRICK RAmOM. 



rcpliod, ' Yes, yes, 1 know what you mean — 
she has been unhappy, I grant you — but what 
of that ? I am convinced of her reformation ; 
or else you and my good lady would not 
treat her with such respect. As for the cen- 
sure of the world, I value it not a fig's 
end — besides, the world knows nothing of 
the matter.' I commended his philosophy, 
and interested Narcissa in his cause; who 
interceded so effectually, that in a little time 
Miss Williams yielded her consent, and they 
were married with the approbation of Don 
liodrigo, who gave him five hundred pounds 
to stock a farm, and made him overseer of his 
estate. My generous bedfellow gave her 
m^id the same sum; so that they live 
in great peace and plenty within half-a- 
mile of lis, and daily put up prayers for our 
prpsei'vation. 

If there be siTch a thing as true happiness 
on earth, I enjoy it. The impetuous trans- 



ports of Tiy passion are now settled anc"! 
mellowed into endearing fondness and trar 
quillity of love, rooted by that intimate con 
nection and interchange of hearts which nough 
but virtuous wedlock can produce. Fortuni 
seems determined to maka umple amends fo 
her former cruelty ; for rny proctor Avrite 
that, notwithstanding the clause in mj' father 
in-law's will, on which the sqiiire founds his 
claim, I shall certainly recover my wife's 
fortune, in consequence of a codicil annexed, 
which explains that clause, and limits he: 
restriction to the age of nineteen, after Avhicl 
she was at her own disposal. I would hav( 
set out for London immediately after rcceiviuj 
this piece of intelligence, but my dear angefl 
has been qualmish of late, and begins to grow 
remarkably round in the waist ; so that E 
cannot leave her in such an interesting situa- 
tion, which I hope will produce something to 
crown my felicity. 



THE END- 



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lETlLLIC PEMAKEE TO THE QTJEEI. 




VICTORIA WORKS, BIRMINGHAM. 



JOSEPH GILLOTT 

Respectfully directs the attention of the Commercial Public, and of all 
who use Steel Pens, to the incomparable excellence of his productions, 
which, for QUALITY OF MATERIAL, EASY ACTION, and 
GREAT DURABILITY, will ensure universal preference. 

Every Packet hears the Facsimile of his Signature — 




Tiiey can be obtained, Eetail, of every Dealer in the World. 



■WHOLESALE : 

AT THE WORKS, GRAHAM STREET, BIRMINGHAM; 

AND AT THE BRANCH ESTABLISHMENTS: 

91, JOHN STREET, NEW YORK; 

AND 

37, GRACECHXJRCH STREET. LONDON, E.G. 



HUMOROUS AND AMUSING BOOKS WORTH HAVING. 

(See SATURDAY REVIEW, October 29.) 
In one vol., choicely printed, 

Piccadilly Riddle Book: an entirely New Collection of the best Pnns, 

C!onundrums, and other 'SmallTalk.' Gathered together by the Honourable Hugh BowJoBT, 
and illustrated by nearly One Hundred Comic Designs from his pencU. 

Preparing, in 4to., eiquisitely printed on ivory paper, 

Puck on Pegasus. Entirely New Edition, greatly enlarged, with 

additional illustrations by Noel Paton, Millais, John Tkmniel, Uiohaud Doylb, M. Ellen 
Edwajids, and other distlnguisbed artists. 

— - ——■■■- 

THACKERAY AUD GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. 
In small Svo., cloth, very neat, price 4.t. 6d. 

Thackeray's Humour. Illustrated by the Pencil of George Cruikshank. 

Twenty-four Humorous Designs executed by this inimitable artist in the years 1839-40, as illus- 
trations to ' The Fatal Boots' and 'The Diaky or Bariikk Coi,' with letterpress descriptions 
suggested by the late Mr. Thackeray. 

THE ENGLISH GUSTAVE DORE. 
This day, in ito., handsomely printed, cloth gilt, price 7s. 6d. ; with plates nncoloured, 6». 

The Hatchet Throwers; with Thirty-six Illustrations, coloured after the 

Inimitably Grotesque Drawings of Ernest Griset. 

Oomprises the astonishing adventures of Three Ancient Mariners, the Brothers Brass of Bristol, Blr. 
Corker, and Mungo Midge. 

' A Miuichausen sort of book. The drawings by M. Griset are very powerful and eccentric.'— Saturday 
Review. 

This day, in crown Svo., uniform with 'Biolow Papers,' price Zs. dd. 

Wit and Humour. By the ' Autocrat of the Breakfast Table.' A volume 

of delightfully humorous Poems, very similar to the mirthful verses of Tom Hood. Readers will 
not be disappointed with this work 

Cheap edition, handsomely printed, price 1». 

Vere Vereker; a Comic Story, by Thomas Hood, with Punning Ulustra- 

TI0N8 by William Buunton. 

One of the most amusing volumes which have been published for a long time. For a piece of broad 
humour, of the highlyseusatioual kmd, it is perhaps the best piece of literary fun by Tum Uood. 

In 1 vol., Svo., handsomely printed, 

A Pedlar's Wallet. By Dudley Costello. With Illustrations. 

Immediately, at all the Libraries, 

Cent, per Cent.: a Story written upon a Bill Stamp. By Blanchard 

Jbrrold. With numerous coloured illustrations in the style of the late Mr. Leech's charming; 
designs. 
A Story of 'The "Vampires of London,' as they were pithily termed in » recent notorious case, and one of 
undoubted interest. 

AJN ENTIRELY NEW BOOK OF DELIGHTFUL FAIRY TALES. 

Now ready, square 12mo., handsomely printed on toned paper, in cloth, green and gold, 

price 4ji. 6d. plain, bs. 6d. coloured ;by post &d extra). 

Family Fairy Tales ; or, Glimpses of Elfland at Heatherston Hall. Edited 

by Cholmondeley Pe.vnkll, Autliorof 'Puck on Pegasus,' &c., adorned with beautiful pictures 
of ' My Lord Lion,' ' King Uggermugger,' and other great folks. 
This charming volume of Original Tales has been universally praised by the critical press. 

Pansie : a Child Story, the Last Literary Effort of Nathaniel Hawthorne. 

12mo. , price Cd. 

Eip Van Winkle ; and the « Story of Sleepy Hollow.' By Washington 

Irvinq. Foolscap 8vo., very neatly printed on toned paper, illustrated cover, 6d. 

*,* Where any difficulty occurs in the supply, postag:* stamps may be remitted direct te the nnd«r> 
ngned, who will forward per return. The name of the Publisher MUST IN ALL CASES be pven. 
John Camdrn Hottrn. 74 end 7r>. Piccadillv. J,ondon. 



BOOKS OF HISTORY, BIOGRAPHY, <tc., WORTH HAVINO. 

(See THE TIMES, January 22.) 

Anecdotes of the Green Room and Stage; or, Leaves from an Actor's 

liote-Book, at Home and Abroad. By George Vande.vhoff. Post Svo., pp. 336, price '2s. 

Includes original anecdotes of the Keans (father and sod), the two Kembles, Macready, Cooke, Liston, 
Farren, Elliston, Braham and his Sons, Phelps, Buckstone, Webster, Charles Matthews, Siddons, V^tris, 
Helen Faucit, Mrs. Nisbet. Mis.s Ciiahman, Miss O'Neil, Mrs. Glover, Mrs. Charles Kean, Rachel, Kistori, 
and many other dramatic celebrities. 

Berjeau's (P. C.) Book of Dogs; the Varieties of Dogs as they are found 

in Old Sculptures, Rctures, Engravings, and Books. 1S65. Half morocco, the sides richly 
lettered with gold, 7». 6d. 

In this very interesting volume are 52 plates, facsimiled from rare old Engravings, Paintings, Sculptures, 
&c, in which may bo traced over 100 varieties of dogs known to the ancients. 

This day, elegantly printed, pp. 96, wrapper 1*., cloth 2s., post free, 

Carlyle on the Choice of Books. The Inangural Address of Thomas 

Carlyle, with Memoir, Anecdotes, Two Portraits, and View of his House in Chelsea. 
The * Address' is reprinted from 'The Times,' carefully compared with twelve other reports, and U 
believed to be the most accurate yet printed. 

The leader in the ' DaOy Telegraph,' April 25th, largely quotes from the above ' Memoir.' 

In foolscap 8vo , cloth, price Zs. Cd., beautifully printed, 

Gog and Magog; or, the History of the Guildhall Giants. With some 

Account of the Giants which guard English and Continental Cities. By F. W. Faikholt, F.S.A. 
With illustrations on wood by the author, coloured and plain. 

The critlfjueB which have appeared upon this amusing little work have been nniformly favourable. The 
' Art-Joiuiial' sajrs, in a long article, that it thoroughly explains who these old giants were, the position tlioj 
occupied in [lopiilar mj-tholo^, the origin of their names, and a score of other mutters, all of much iuteruw 
In throwing a Uuht upon fabulous portions of our history. 

Now ready, handsomely printed, price 1». Gd., 

Hints on Hats ; adapted to the Heads of the People. By Henry Melton, 

of Regent Street. With curious woodcuts of the various style of Hats worn at different periods. 

Anecdotes of eminent and fi^hionablo peiw>nagea are given, and a f\md of Interesting information relatiTt 
the History of Costume and change of tastes may be found suitterud through its pages. 

This day, handsomely bound, pp. 550, price 7». 6d., 

History of Playing Cards; with Anecdotes of their Use in Ancient and 

Modern Game.s, Conjuring, Fortune-Tellino, and Card-Siiarpi-vo. "With Sixty curioiu 
illustrations on toned paper. Skill and Sleight of Hand ; Gambling and Calculation ; Cartomancy 
and Cheating; Old Games and Gaming-Houses: Card Revels and Blind Hookey; Piquet and 
Vingt-et-un: Svhist and Cribbage ; Old-Fashioned Tricks. 
A highly-interesting volume.'— Morninq Post. 

Tills day, Svo., pp. 600, handsomely printed, 

The History of Signboards, from the Earliest Times to the Present Day; 

with .\necdotes of Famous Taverns and Remarkable Characters. By Jacob Larwood and John 
Camden Hotten. The volume has been divided into the following sections : General History of 
Signboards; Historic and Commemorative Signs; Heraldic and Emblematic; Animals and 
Monsters ; Birds and Fowls ; Fishes and InsecU ; Flowers, Trees, Herbs, <fec. ; Biblical and 
Religious ; Saints, Martjrrs, <fcc. ; Dignities, Trades, and Professions ; the House and the Table ; 
Dress, Plain and Ornamental; Geography and Topography; Humorous and Comic; Puns and 
Rebuses ; Miscellaneous Signs ; Bonnell Thornton's Signboard Exhibition. 

Nearly 100 most ctirious illustrations on wood are given, showing the various old signs which were fonnerW 
hung from taverns and other houses. The frontispiece represents the faiaoius sirti of ' The Man loaded wi«« 
Mischief.' in the colours of the original painting said to have been executed by Hogarth. 



»,• "Where any difficulty occurs in the supply, postage stamps may be remitted direct to the imder- 
■igned, who will forward per return. The name of the Publisher BTOST IN ALL CASES be given. 

John Camden Hotten, Publisher, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London. 



JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN'S PUBLICATIONS. 



This day, handsomely printed, pp. 580, price 7».*6c?. ; by post 8*., 

HISTORY OF SIGNBOARDS, 

With Anecdotes of Famous Taverns and Remarkable 

Characters. 

BY JACOB LAEWOOD AND JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN. 



A .(V^^pfe 




Old Sign of tbe GoOD (or Silent) WOMAN. 



Cow IX Boots. 

Qdeen's Head ant) Artichoke. 

Pig and Whistle. 

Shouldeb or Mutton and Cat. 

Boll and Three Calves. 

The Royal Bed. 

Q IN TUE Corner. 

And 3,000 other Curious Old Signs. 



Two Sneezing Cats. 
Grave Maurice. 
The STBCGGLiNa Man. 

Cow AND SnUFEERS. 

Three Bad Ones. 
Hole in the "Wall. 
Fiddlek's Arms. 



" A volume abounding in oddity, in information, and in entertainment."— Xonioii 
Review. 

Nearly 100 most curious Illustrations on wood are given, showing the various 
old Signs which were formerly hung from taverns and other houses. The frontis- 
piece represents the famous sign of " The Man Loaded with Mischief," in the coloun 
of the original painting said to have been executed by Hogarth. 



LONDON: JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN, 74 and 75, PICCADILLY. 



'' Durinq the jiast year fee have, received mani/ letters axking us to reconwiena a useful 
kouseieeper's account hooL We beg now to answer the question. Messrs. Virtik and Co. 
have brought out a Housekeeper's Diary which fulfy answers all purjffses."— Toe Quekn. 

SHOWELL'S HOUSEKEEPERS ACCOUNT BOOK. 

Exhibiting every description of expense likely to occur in a family, with Tables 
showing at one view the amount expended Weekly, Quarterly, and the NVhole Year, in 
every department, and the total amount of ca«h received and expended in one year. To 
which is added a Series of Reoeipts, entitled Economicid Cookery. 4to, interleaved with 
Blotting-paper, 2s. 

WORKS BY FRAXK E. SMEDLEY. 
FRANK FAIRLEIGH. 

Crown 8vo, boards, 2.s-. C</. ; cloth, 35. Qd. ; or with 30 Illustrations by Oeoroe Cruikbiiane, 

8vo, cloth, 10a. 6d. 

HARRY COVERDALE'S COURTSHIP. 

Crown 8vo, boards, 2s. GJ. ; cloth, :)s. Gd. ; or with Illustrations by U. K. Browne, 

8vo, cloth, 10s. fl(t 

LEWIS ARUNDEL. 

Crown 8vo, 3»., boards; cloth, 45.; or with Illustrations by H. K. Brownb (Phiz), 

.svo, cloth, Vis. <;./. 

THE COLVILLE FAMILY. 

Frontispiece and Vignetto Titlo by Piiiz. Fcap. boards, Is. (W/. ; cloth, 25. Gt/. 

GATHERED LEAVES. 

A Collection of the Poetical Works of the late Fuavk E. Smedlky, Author of " Frank 
Fairleigh." With a Memorial Preface by F.dshm) Yatks, a Portrait, and numerous 
humorous designs. Printed on superior paper, with Borders. Imperial IGmo, imitation 
half-morocco, gilt edges, %s. Qd. 

Eighth Thousand. Price \s. ; by post, l5. 2d. 

Eggs and Poultry as a Source of Wealth. Illustrated. 

By the same Author, price Is.; by post, \s. 2d. 

Profitable Pigs ; how to Breed, Feed, and Make them Pay. 

^ — — — - — -■--■■ ■ ■ —■ ■^ 

WORKS BY EMMA JANE WORBOISE. 
SIR JULIAN'S WIFE. 

A TALE. Fcap., r,s. 

CAM PION CO U R T. 

Second Edition, fcap., 55. 

THE L I L L I N G S T ONES. 6s. 
LOTTIE LONSDALE. 

Second Edition, fcap., us. 

THE W i F E'S T RIALS. 

Third Edition, fcap., •'?.'>. ('>d. 

LONDON: VIRTUE & Co., 2fi, IVY LANE, PATERNOSTER ROW. 
And may be had of all Booksellers in Town and Country. 



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